By Daniel
Welcome to the seventeenth season of The Bachelor! Seventeen? Can that be right? It doesn't seem possible that we can consider ourselves a literate, intelligent civilization and yet let this creation continue to exist. There haven't been this many Saw movies and I think I'd rather have Saw actually happen to me than The Bachelor franchise.
Meet Sean Lowe, who you may remember, if therapy has done nothing for you, as a former contestant who made a couple of comments that made people think he is judgmental of women who aren't virgins. Or something. I forget.
He drives a jeep and jogs shirtless and he is twenty-nine years old and talks to people on an iPad. He's working out and it sounds like he's doing so because this show is "physically exhausting." It's not exactly easy mentally, either.
We revisit Sean's time on Emily's season, where he made proclamations about love at Speaker's Corner in London. He says he knew that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. And then she chose Arie over him and the world stopped spinning for a little while.
Fortunately (?) for us, it didn't. And luckily there were cameras on hand in Dallas to capture his public moping when he returned home. He talks about how this means God has a different plan for him. He takes inspiration in the marriages of his parents and his sister and brother-in-law, and he loves hanging out with his adorable niece and nephew. He wants to start a family and have a house full of "love and laughter" and we all know that this show is your ticket to a successful marriage, right?
"I'm going to go through this crazy journey again in hopes that I find the one that's meant for me," he says. He hangs out on the beach in the L.A. and stalks some poor couple getting their wedding photos taken, and makes red-flag comments about "my woman," i.e., "I wanna protect my woman" and "I wanna love my woman." You get the sense he's thinking to himself "Don't use the phrase 'baby factory.' Don't use the phrase 'baby factory'" over and over to himself.
Sean chops up strawberries for salad, and he cuts like half the top off to throw out like nice wasting of strawberries, Sean. He announces that he's got a friend coming over, and it's Arie, and they keep calling each other "Dude" and I'm not convinced they actually remember each other's names.
And then they bond over how Emily dumped both of them, and drink beer, and talk more about Emily, and talk about how tough this show is going to be, and lord am I tired of hearing these fame-craving dullards complain about hard it is to be on this show. Looks like Season 17 will continue this show's "all filler, no killer" tradition by padding out the two-hour run time with wacky shenanigans like Sean practicing how to say "Will you accept this rose?" and then he practices breaking up with Arie. And then Sean says, "People describe me as 'the all-American guy,'" and it's a wonder the camera can get both Arie and Sean's massive ego in the frame at the same time. And now Sean is asking Arie about tongue technique and then my heart actually stopped pumping blood to my extremities and I think it then went to commercial.
By Daniel
Sean is getting dressed and getting ready to meet two-dozen-odd women, all of whom will pretend tonight they're genuinely looking for love but who will later reveal they just signed up for fun and were surprised to actually fall in love. More dependable than the seasons.
Chris Harrison comes out to talk his usual bullshit about how everyone's rooting for whatever meatsack is currently starring on the current iteration of the show. Do you know anyone who watches this show non-ironically?
And Harrison introduces the women who specifically signed up to be "Mrs. Sean Lowe" (the use of Ms. anything is strictly forbidden, I imagine). There's bridal stylist Desiree, who is waiting for the person who completes her. There's "Tierra," who is a "leasing consultant," whatever that is, and she has had her heart broken twice. I assume one of those times was when she found out her parents named her "Tierra." And Harrison's lie that these women signed up specifically for Sean is exposed on the second candidate, because some off-camera interviewer tells her, and she freaks out for five minutes.
Robyn is an "oilfield account manager" from Houston who sticks out on this show because she is a) not white and b) seems to have a real job. Diana is 30 years old, which makes her practically a geezer on this show. She's from Salt Lake City and has two kids of her own, so Sean's giving her the boot in favor of some virgin womb, I bet.
Sarah is 26, from Los Angeles, an advertising designer who describes herself as "just an average girl" and she's a terrible actor, judging by the phone call filmed for biographical purposes. Oh, and she has one arm, due to a complication with the umbilical cord when she was born. I guess we're supposed to be impressed that the show selected her to be one. Make her The Bachelorette season, and then I'll be impressed.
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By Daniel
Ashley is another stylist (she has a "P" because we always have too many Ashleys). She says she has no idea why she's still single, but I guarantee you anyone who has listened to her talk has no such confusion. I mean, if the most interesting thing about you is that you're really into Fifty Shades of Grey, you might want to take up some kind of hobby. Maybe reading books that aren't awful Twilight fan fiction would be a good start!
There is Lesley, who works for a political consultancy firm in D.C. but she hates nerds and politicians but she's from Arkansas so she considers herself a Southern belle. Kristy is a Ford model and she announces girls will be jealous of her, because "that's how girls are." There is another Ashley -- oh, pardon me, "AshLee" -- who is a professional organizer, which, judging from the film, consists of hanging up clothes and putting things in boxes. Everything is organized except her love life, she tells us. Her story is that she's adopted and went through several different foster homes. And then she found happiness in a pastor's home. Or something. It would be amazing if she and Sean fell in love.
Now that we have been adequately demoralized about the future of Western society, it's time for Sean to stand in the courtyard while the limos pull up and discharge the half-sauced contestants.
There is much squealing about how cute Sean is, and then the first one is AshLee: Professional Clothes Hanger-Upper, who greets him with a hug and a laser-intense stare. Jackie, 25, is a cosmetics consultant from Florida. She puts on some special lipstick and leaves a big smooch mark on his cheek and he doesn't even take it off. But Selma, up, pulls a hanky out of her boobs and wipes it off. There's Leslie H., a poker dealer from L.A. who admits to being nervous, but not so much so that she can't tell him he's cuter in person. Daniella, 24, is a commercial casting associate from San Francisco who does a trying-to-hard high-five fist-bump routine that might have seemed like a good idea in her head.
New limo. Kelly, 28, is a cruise ship entertainer from Nashville. She wrote him a song. She's going to sing it now, of course. It's shitty country music. I don't mean all country music is shitty; I mean this is the kind of country music that is shitty. Katie, 27, is a yoga instructor from Charlotte. They do a little yoga, and we see she's barefoot. There's Ashley P., who starts off by telling him she read Fifty Shades of Grey and then she pulls a tie out of her cleavage and says she wants him to show her how to use this later. Sean looks like he's trying to signal Bachelor security.
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By Daniel
Taryn, 30, is a health-club manager from Troutdale, Oregon. She says she hasn't watched the past few seasons of the show, which earns her points in my book. But wait, they all signed up to be with Sean, right? Catherine, 26, is a graphic designer from Seattle. She is not the first person to call Sean a "hunk" to his face. I really didn't think anyone used that word outside of Archie comics.
New limo! Robyn, the oilfield account manager from Houston is out first. She turns her back to Sean and tries to backflip her way to him -- she starts off strong, and then falls over on the second rotation, but points for trying. At least she didn't pull anything out of her boobs.
Lacey, 24, is a graduate student from Valencia. She brought a heart of lace because a lot of people call her "Lace" and Sean manages to stay conscious during the entire scintillating story. Paige is a Jumbotron operator from New York. Well, someone's got to do it! She says she was on Bachelor Pad 3. Did I recap that one? I actually have to check TWoP to see if I recapped that.
Tierra the leasing consultant is out . She squeals at him for a while, and then shows him a tattoo on her finger of a heart that's open on one side. He stares at her hands for a moment, and then tells her to wait there a moment. He goes into the mansion, leaving Tierra standing there, looking confused, and we go to commercial before finding out what's up.
He goes in to see Chris Harrison, and tells him he'd like to bend the rules a little bit. Tierra's made a real impression on him, he tells Harrison, and wants to give her a rose already. This is probably meant to show how serious about this he is; I think it makes him look like an idiot. "She had this energy about her that was contagious," he said. Look, he's known her for five seconds. Men never say anything like "she had this energy about her that was contagious" about women they think are ugly. He also naively says he hopes that doesn't cause any tension among the women.
But naturally, the other contestants are a little perturbed, even if it wasn't, as Catherine says, "literally [sic] an animal attack on the eyeballs." I actually don't even know what that means.
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By Daniel
But there are more women to come, like Amanda the "fit model," from Newport Beach. She has a try-hard routine about the awkward pause in a relationship that she suggests they get out of the way right away. Then there's Keriann, 29, of Boca Raton who is an "entrepreneur" and she wants him to know she drove 2,775 miles for a shot with him. Sean calls it "flattering and humbling."
There's Desiree, the bridal stylist. He can call her Des! She brought some pennies so they could make a wish in the fountain. Sean decides that was really cute.
New limo. Sarah the one-armed advertising executive steps out. Sean maintains an impressive poker face, even if you suspect he's already calculating how many episodes he needs to keep Sarah around so he doesn't seem like an asshole when he sends her home. She asks him if this is how he imagined falling in love. He says it isn't, which raises the question why he's on this show for the second time.
Brooke, 25, is a community organizer from Pittsburgh, and I think we now have more non-white contestants in this pool than we've had in all The Bachelor seasons to this point combined. She asks if he's ready for this "wild and crazy journey." You'll never believe, this but he is!
Then we have Diana the salon owner. He says she looks gorgeous. Well, give her a rose! Let's wrap this up early! Lesley M. the political consultant has a football, and she says she wants to run a play, but it's really an excuse to get Sean to bend over.
HOW MANY FUCKING LIMOUSINES ARE THERE? OK, I'm done with the limousines. I can only stand so much. If anyone of note survives from this limousine, they'll still be around for the episode.
Except -- oh, Jesus, one woman, Lindsay, a substitute teacher, actually gets out wearing a wedding dress, and she kisses him on the lips immediately. You know, as long as Sean is breaking rules, could he eliminate someone before she even gets in the house?
Harrison comes out for his requisite "women, amirite?" speech and then tells Sean that they got a call from someone who wanted to meet him here tonight. Another limousine pulls up, and out gets someone that makes Sean say, "No way!" It's Kacie B. from Ben's season. That's a whole year ago! I'm supposed to still remember her? They hug and say it's great to see each other. Hold up, she's here to be a contestant on the show? Aw, Kacie, I used to like you.
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By Daniel
Anyway, she walks in, and we're supposed to believe that all the other women feel twenty-five contestants is fine but twenty-six is a grievous atrocity. Gotta love Desiree's logic; she wonders why, since Kacie couldn't make things work with Ben, that she thinks things would work with Sean. Of course, some of the women don't actually know who he is until they're told.
Sean joins the party and tells the group that he's never seen so many beautiful women in one place, but he wants them to relax and be themselves. "I would love to find my wife in this group of ladies," he says, and then they toast.
And then it's off to the traditional "bitches be crazy" part of the season premiere. Some women pick Kacie's brain, some women make fun of the girl in the wedding dress. Sean sits down with Kacie, and he asks why she's here. "You're here," she says, and she tells us she'll be shocked if she doesn't get a rose. Sean tells us he's open-minded to exploring things with her, now that he knows she's got feelings for continuing to be on television. I mean, "for him."
Sean chats with Desiree about how personalities are shaped with siblings and someone all in black skulks behind them and I briefly hope that maybe this season of the show will feature more ninjas than we have in seasons past, but it's probably just a member of the crew. And Sean gives Desiree a rose, like has order COMPLETELY BROKEN DOWN on this show? Desiree causes some consternation among the other women. "Are there two first impression roses?" asks one. Kacie calls this a "game-changer." Sadly, I think most of the contestants would be just as confused and edgy if Sean just aimed a laser pointer at the wall and jiggled it around.
We come back from commercial, and Desiree has inexplicably not been murdered by the other women, who were "just mean buggin'," according to Catherine, whatever that means. Sarah says when women started getting roses, it heightened the tension. And there is ludicrously serious discussion over whether Tierra's rose is the first-impression rose or just the first rose. And now Selma has a rose, and now Robyn has a rose, and other women who Sean has determined have "great energy." One of the women makes excuses for him, saying he probably really wants to get to know the women, rather than having a long rose ceremony. Yeah, he wants to get to know the women so much that he's handing out roses earlier than normal. That makes sense.
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By Daniel
And now the woman in a wedding dress, who is drunk and barely coherent. She's worried she didn't get her joke about the wedding dress. Really? The whole joke seems to be "I wore a wedding dress." We're not talking Samuel Beckett here. She drunkenly tries to dance with him, and she's worried that he didn't get that either.
Then Fifty Shades is also drunk and starts doing a weird shimmy booty dance thing and somehow manages to keep her breasts in her dress. She tries to interrupt Sean with Paige, who is quizzing him about his cavalier rose distribution, and they make her wait thirty seconds, and she stands there shaking her ass at them the entire time.
Finally she sits down with Sean and pulls the tie out of her boobs again, and Sean says he's got a rape whistle in case he gets in trouble. "That girl's a trip," he tells us. The other women seem to give her even odds to actually take her clothes off. "Fifty Shades of Grey may have become Fifty Shades of Drunk tonight," he tells us. Congratulations to whichever producer fed him that line.
Leslie gets a rose! The free-for-all does seem to have sharpened the women's focus, and there's much more angling for Sean time, interrupting other women, than I remember in season premieres past. Taryn seems to be of the opinion that she's not here to compete with other women. That seems like a terrible understanding of how this show works.
Sarah drops the bravado and talks about how she thinks a lot of guys think dating a woman with one arm will require more emotional work, and at the same time she wonders if the single arm is responsible for her single status.
She finally sits down with Sean and talks about how she loves her dog but is looking for that step in life. Sean says he is too, and manages not to ask her if she knows the drummer for Def Leppard. Sarah brings up her missing arm first, and you half-expect Sean to pretend to be surprised and then talk about how he doesn't notice whether people have two arms or not because he's not that shallow. She says she doesn't want him to feel uncomfortable. He says he doesn't, but he's glad she brought it up, and he wants to get to know her more, and then he gives her a rose. "It's validation that I'm good enough and interesting enough for someone to want to keep me around long enough to get to know me better," she says.
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By Daniel
Harrison announces it's time for the first rose ceremony -- are there even any roses left to give out? Kacie's getting anxious over her roseless status, as is Kelly. Sean tells them that the women far exceeded his expectations, but he's got some hard decisions to make, by which he means he's not completely decided which women have the proper genetic makeup to carry his seed.
At the Rose Ceremony, twelve women already have roses, so there's only seven left to give out. Sean comes out and thanks them all for their patience in waiting all night just to spend a few moments with him. "Ultimately, I would love to find my wife, and tonight I feel more confident than ever that this can work." He talks about tough decisions again, then starts handing out the remaining roses.
Amanda. Lesley M. Kacie. Kristy. Daniella. Taryn (who whispers to him that this is great since she didn't get a chance to talk to him tonight).
One rose left. Among the contenders: Fifty Shades, Wedding Dress and Several Interchangeable Blondes. And the rose goes to... Wedding Dress, who may also be known as Lindsay.
Lauren (a journalist!) is the first out the door, and then someone who I don't know who it is, and then Paige, who now has the ignominious distinction of having been on two Bachelor-universe shows and didn't receive a single rose on either one. Kelly seems more worried about what getting kicked off the first show will do for her romantic prospects in the future. Who's going to want to date someone who sang a song for Sean and got kicked off the first week of The Bachelor? She calls it the most embarrassing thing ever, which makes me think she actually leads a pretty charmed life. She wipes tears from her eyes, and wonders what he saw in other women that he didn't see in her. Ashley H. (is that three?) says she thinks Sean is missing out, and she wants someone to share her world with.
Sean tells the survivors that they're about to embark on a crazy journey, and they toast the upcoming season of insipid conversations, unrealistic expectations, tearful recriminations, and STD medications.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If the Bachelor can just hand out roses whenever he wants, what's ? Keeping women he actually wants to date instead of the producer picks for maximum drama? Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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