By Daniel
It's the second week, so we're down to nineteen women, which is still far too many to worry about making any kind of effort to remember their names yet, right? Or acknowledge that they are human beings with hopes and dreams and emotions, right? Judging from the previews, Tierra is this season's villain, which makes her Sauron or Voldemort or Hitler, on this show, relatively speaking.
Yawn Lowe is working out, shirtlessly, obviously, and showering, probably with his shorts on. He is lying to us about how he thinks his wife was in the room last night. Speaking of the women, they're all hanging out in the mansion when Chris comes in and talks about how Sean is the most sincere bachelor ever, which I hate to tell him is like being the best hockey player from Egypt.
The date cards! Sarah, are you ready to fall in love today? AshLee is "fully jealous" that Sarah gets to spend the whole day with him. Sarah, sounding like she's waking up after being chloroformed, says she's really excited, and she says having one arm doesn't mean she can't have any fun.
Seriously, how many goddamn helicopter rides do we have to have on this show before the women stop acting like it's a big deal? Sean gets out, escorts Sarah to the helicopter, and they take off. Leslie says Sean and helicopter is super-duper studly. You guys know he's not flying the thing, right?
Here are other things not affected by Sarah having one arm: Her ability to love. The way Sean will treat her. Plus I imagine there are perks, like spending half as much the rest of us do on oven mitts! Oh god, I'm so sorry. For me, not treating her any differently because she has one arm means I plan to make fun of her just as much.
Sean is impressed that at the cocktail party Sarah went ahead to address her lack of arm right away, and I agree her doing it put him at ease, and her confidence (plus her looks) is why he picked her for this date.
The helicopter lands on a building, and they go to the edge, and Sean announces he brought her here for a champagne toast -- all the way down at the bottom, because they're going to "free-fall" 300 feet. Judging from the previews we already saw, Sean has no idea what "free fall" actually means.
Number of times Sarah says "oh my god" or "oh my gosh": one thousand, three hundred and sixteen.
The two of them get all rigged up while the instructor or whatever says they're going to be dropped at forty feet a second. Sarah is freaking out, so Sean suggests they sit down first into things. Sarah puts her arm around him.
By Daniel
And then they move off, getting lowered down the side in their adult-sized Jolly Jumpers, Sarah screeching and Sean yelling "woo!" the whole time. Then they pulls a few muscles congratulating themselves on what they accomplished, which amounts to letting someone lower them down the side of the building. So add "accomplishment" to the list of words people on this show don't actually correctly understand.
Night falls, and these two are still patting themselves on the back for the profound thing they just did. They're drinking wine, and Sarah wants to share a story: She was in Vegas with her dad, and she wanted to go ziplining. She was really excited, and got all the way through to getting strapped into the equipment, but then she was told that she couldn't do it because of her disability. She was mortified and humiliated and ran from the room, because she wasn't allowed to do something she knew she could do. Argument in favor of not making fun of Sarah: She's probably dealt with more bullshit and challenge over not having something the rest of us take for granted, and that's not nothing. So you know what, Sean? Your patronizing nonsense about how feeling like you wants to protect her is so out of place. Something tells me Sarah's quite fine at taking care of herself.
Back at the mansion, another date card arrives. It's for Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Leslie M., Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Kacie and Tierra. Wait, isn't that everybody? "Let's capture the romance. Sean." It's way too early for me to worry about whether I've spelled all those names correctly. I'll figure it out.
Back on the date, Sarah is explaining that her relationship broke up because she wants more spontaneity. Sean, waits for her to tell her deeply personal story before he explains he's got one more thing to show her. No, not his penis! Stop that, everyone! That comes later! And then it turns out to be the rose, instead of something cool like a Lamborghini to drive around in. Sean is telling us about having butterflies and wanting that first kiss, and then the two of them are kissing. Sarah calls it the most incredible first date of her entire life, and that Sean is incredible. She feels like she's falling in love with him, and she doesn't know how she got so lucky.
Group date! I must say, all the women are crystal clear on the fact that the goal is to wind up with a rose. It's a good thing that we get clips of them explaining that they want a rose. I happy to learn that so many of them are aware of the necessary step to continue in this competition.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
The limos pull up at this ridiculously opulent mansion, Sean waiting for them. There are thirteen women here, which is about twelve too many for Kacie's purposes, because all those girls "mean drama!" Don't be a hater, Kacie. You're better than that.
They go inside and see cameras and makeup tables, meaning they're doing a photo shoot. Sean explains that they're going to be cover models for Harlequin novels, and the person who shows the most chemistry with Sean will be chosen to appear on three actual novels.
Time for Sean to get his chest oiled while the women get their hair down and dress up in clothing that is, preferably, untieable. Tierra is, as I noted, being cast as the villain, the woman who's different with Sean than she is with the rest of the women. We see her rejecting hair extensions because she's "au natural," baby, which a) means "naked" and b) even if it meant "natural" like she thinks it does, it's not a philosophy that she appears to have applied to her chest.
And now the photo shoot! There is a horse, and Lesley M. looks great and Sean can barely contain his boner. The two of them kiss, and Lesley says she felt twelve sets of eyes glaring at her. And now it's some kind of fancy ball scenario, with Tierra deciding she's going to be aggressive. "I feel like this isn't a competition. I'm not going to let any girl stop me from getting the rose," she says.
Elsewhere, Kristy, whose job is "model," is giddy about putting her professional know-how to work, and since she's not Tierra, it's OK for the other woman to compliment her on how hot her scene with Sean was.
And then it's all over! The Harlequin woman singles out Lesley and Selma for praise, but she picks Kristy because everyone in the room could feel the heat between them. "Girl, you can have the cover. I'm going to have the man," Selma says. Likewise, Tierra, having also lost the cover competition, is now acting like she doesn't care about winning the cover competition.
And now it's time for poolside drinking and hurt feelings! Lesley is still groovin' on the kiss she had during the photo shoot, and she tries to ride that into a conversation with Sean. He asks her the real reason she's here tonight. Lesley eye-rolling pretends to reluctantly say she's sincerely here for love. This is what's known as being here for the right reasons. Sean tells us that every time he feels like kissing her, she gets nervous and changes the subject to something lighthearted, like the weather. Kiss her, you wuss! He does not kiss her. And we have to listen to this show's usual weird nonsense where the women act like a kiss from the Bachelor is like an inoculation against elimination.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Daniella is talking some nonsense about Sean getting to know her, which is happening at the exact same time that Lesley has returned to get the kiss that she was hoping for. I'm no romance expert, but any time your date is making out with another woman, the evening is not going as well as you'd hope.
Hey, did you know Kacie has been on this show before? Maybe she could bring it up EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE'S ON CAMERA. Sean tells her it caught him off guard when she stepped out of the limo, and Kacie babbles about realizing how much she liked him. "Kacie is now one of my good girlfriends," Sean says. Sounding like a pimp is not exactly the best way to convey the so-called romance of this show, but Kacie cluelessly and pathetically talks about how great it was to go from "friend zone" to "girlfriend zone," which I hate to tell her usually doesn't involve anything more difficult than letting a guy know you might like to sleep with him.
And now Catherine is explaining to Sean that she's a vegan but she "loves the beef" which either means she's a terrible vegan or really horny. And Selma praises Sean for the way he says "my wife," and all I can imagine is that he's the only man in the past five years to not say "my wife" in a Borat voice.
And now Daniella is complaining about Tierra, but Sean says Tierra made a big impression on him, but he appears to be worried that "the interaction with the other girls" is starting to get to her, so Big Daddy Sean is going to let her know she don't need to worry about what all those other broads think, which is big of him. She says she feels a connection with him, and then offers the brilliant analysis that if she got the rose tonight, that would mean Sean wants to keep her around a while longer. "I feel like if I'm hungry, that means I should eat some food," she adds.
At the house, another date card arrives, and it's for Desiree. Jackie is disappointed because her birthday is coming up, and you hate to tell her that with nineteen women in the house, there are good odds we're going to see a few birthdays.
Back on the date, Katey seems to be a little discombobulated about the fact that several women are vying for one person's attention. "I just feel like this is not the right setting for me," she tells Sean, adding that she feels like she needs to go home. Sean walks her out, and we all wonder what exactly the hell she expected was going to happen. Kacie is "super-stoked" because now there are only seventeen women to beat instead of eighteen.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
And now it's time for Sean to hand out the rose, which he gives to Kacie, because it takes a lot of courage to come on this show again. I think there a lot of personality traits that might indicate, but none of them is courage. None is anything positive. "I wanted to punch her. I'm like, 'seriously?'" says Tierra. Yeah, Tierra makes a good point! Tierra says, "I feel like when the sun goes down, it means that it's night."
Now it's date night with Desiree, and -- unusually -- Chris Harrison is there, slipping into his awesome bro-speak. Sean explains that he wanted to set up a little prank because he wants a woman (or "girl," as women are without-exception called on this show) with a great sense of humour. So here's what Punk'd Bachelor is going to be about: They're at a modern art gallery, and one of the pieces is going to get damaged and Desiree made to believe she's responsible for it. You see, once he and his wife are eighty years old and they are not as fuckably good-looking as they used to be, he wants to fall back on a sense of humor.
The limo delivers an admittedly adorable Desiree to the fake art gallery, full of actors looking at the works on the walls, with artist "Sven Watofsky" being introduced with his piece de resistance, the $1.5-million "Poulet un Petit." The curator asks Sean and Desiree if they'd like to have a sneak peek at the work, and they head to back room to look at the piece. One of the producers come in on the pretext of pulling Sean away for an interview, and by this point, Desiree has been so nice that Sean's second-guessing pulling a prank on her.
Meanwhile, the curator is genuinely hilariously explaining to Desiree that the piece is Sven's reaction to the Chernobyl disaster, and was made from stained glass from churches near the area, and then the curator leaves to get a photographer, leaving Desiree alone with the art, which soon falls from the wall, shattering on the floor. Desiree heads for the door, at which point the photographer comes in, followed by Sven, all "You did this?" and "Who is going to pay for this?" and then like ten seconds later Sean comes in and lets her off the hook IMMEDIATELY, and everyone watching feels vaguely unsettled by the alleged comic relief portion of this episode.
And then it's dinner time, and he has cooked steak back at his place. They toast to "no more pranks" and then start talking about their parents' strong relationships, which is as deathly dull as it sounds. "Des isn't forward. She's comfortable in his own skin," says Sean, adding she's feelin' him and he's feelin' her. And then it's on with the bathing suits for the hot tub and more talk about what marriage means. Sean controversially thinks love and marriage go hand-in-hand. Then he lets her in on a secret, but it's not a real secret; he just tells her that she's seen every side of him. He offers her the rose, and she pretends to be unsure because of his rude prank, which he apologizes for, and then of course she's j/k and takes the rose and tells us she already thinks of him as her boyfriend, and then they start making out in the swimming pool. Because, as Desiree also explains, she's feelin' him and he's feelin' her, and now they are literally feelin' each other.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Cocktail party. I am literally in the middle of thinking, "God, I hope it's too soon for someone to say 'It's starting to feel more real'" when someone says, "It's starting to feel more real."
At this point, I realize that my own cocktail is completely empty, and by the time I get back from the kitchen, Sean is telling one of the four women who didn't get a date that it doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with her, and then they joke about getting fat and losing their hair, and you can see Sean trying not to throw up.
And every time I look away from the television screen, Sean is with a different woman than he was before. We need to thin the herd but quick. Maybe we could start by getting rid of Amanda, whose demeanor suggests she's at a funeral. She sits there glaring, arms folded. Then again, this show isn't exactly above editing people to look awful. And then someone says tonight is "literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen," and I start to get my hopes up.
When we get back from commercial, everyone is still alive, as far as I can see. "The mood is a little off," says Lesley M., blaming Amanda for bringing everyone down with her "weird, dark energy." Interestingly, Robyn, who is African-American, has noticed the show seems a little more diverse this time out, and she's not sure if Sean is actually into black women. Awesomely, she comes right out and asks him that. Not quite that directly, but close enough. Sean tells us that most people look at him and assume he's into white blonde women, and I hate to tell him that most people look at him and don't ever worry about who he's into, but he keeps on and explains how he will sleep with anything: Hispanics, Persian. His last girlfriend was black. All that he cares about is that she's hot with a great rack. I mean, "her mind." Robyn is completely relieved that Sean doesn't confess to being a racist.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
By Daniel
Selma teaches him some Arabic, Amanda sneers, the rest of the women talk about how Amanda is not right for him at all. She brightens up noticeably when Sean walks in, and he pulls her aside to ask her how the group date went, and ... I don't know, she loved it? I missed it. I suppose the rewind button is right there on the remote control, but ... nah. More important, we're starting to hear the "if Sean picks her, I have to question whether I'm right for him" argument, which is always a fun one. "If the Bachelor likes this other woman, I have to wonder if he'll marry me," is what that is, essentially. Tierra: "I feel like that when it's Monday, the day will be Tuesday."
Rose ceremony! Chris Harrison points out that Sarah, Kacie and Desiree (you mean "Dez"?) already have roses. Sean comes galumphing out like a Budweiser Clydesdale and thanks everyone for their patience, but assures them that their discomfort is completely worth it to him if he finds his wife at the end of all this.
Roses. AshLee or Ashley or Ashleigh, I have no idea. Lindsay. Robyn. Jackie. Lesley M. Selma. Catherine. Harlequin cover model Kristy. Leslie H. Tierra. Taryn. Daniella. Final rose goes to Amanda, meaning her "weird, dark energy" will be around for at least another week.
Goodbye, Brooke! She says she wasn't expecting to be sent home, but she's still ready to find love. "Love just was not here. It wasn't." Diana is also going home, with Sean awkwardly saying he didn't think it was right to keep him from her girls if he didn't see something long-term with her. That seems like a decision she can make better for herself, but it's not like Sean doesn't already seem to assume he gets to make all the decisions in a relationship.
During the credits, Lesley endears herself to me by demonstrating a rudimentary knowledge of Greek mythology, suggesting that she might have actually cracked a book once or twice in her life.
Tierra: "I feel like that when the credits start to roll, it means that the show is ending.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. If he's not too distracted by cleavage, AMANDA, to notice your dress is fugly, then that's a fugly dress. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7