"After the Final Rose" starts with Chris Harrison INTRODUCING HIMSELF, which is I guess for all those viewers who decided not to watch the finale but wanted to check out ATFR, which my brain always erroneously wants to read as Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
Anyway, Chris Harrison says "late-breaking news" for the fiftieth time tonight. Are Sean and Catherine still together? Did Lindsay actually commit suicide? Also, they're going to reveal the Bachelorette, so stay tuned!
Harrison welcomes Sean out to raucous applause, despite the fact that they've watched him act like an ass for two months straight. One woman yells, "Take your shirt off!" and he says it's not going to happen, dramatically overestimating how much appeal he holds for anyone in any other sense.
He talks about being relieved that the secret is out, because he and Catherine have been in hiding, and she's the "light of my life" and he's "so incredibly blessed." Harrison tells him there were tears in the audience at his beautiful proposal, and forgive me for generalizing, but anyone who was genuinely moved by a proposal on this show is a fucking moron.
Anyway, usually when you have "late-breaking news" you lead with it, but obviously this show has to drag everything out, and Harrison is asking Sean how tough the breakup with Lindsay was, and Sean says he hasn't cried like that since his grandfather died, and if my grandson ever said something like that I swear to god I would rise from the grave and drag him back down to hell with me. Sean, naturally, seems worried that Lindsay is going to be a total wench about it when he sees her again; you know, like AshLee was. Harrison reassures him that -- don't worry -- this night is all about him and Catherine, but they do have to deal with the Lindsay situation.
Harrison asks Sean if he's nervous. He is, because he had "such strong feelings for this woman." He doesn't know what he's going to say. I suppose "Sorry for being such an utter douchebag" is off the table? Also, I am going to continue to ignore the brutal pop-up Tweets this show has insisted on handing us, because people insist on tweeting things like "Lindsay is probably the only runner-up ever who left so like calmly and gracefully lol" so they've managed to make The Bachelor even more inane. They take something that's gross and manage to find new ways to make it grosser. Like Pizza Hut deciding to stick hotdogs in their pizza crusts.
So Lindsay comes out -- her much less raccoon-like eye makeup doing WONDERS for her -- and she appears to NOT be shattered, but asks Sean what happened. He still doesn't know, other than he fell in love with Catherine. Oh, and he didn't ACTUALLY love Lindsay as much but was contractually obligated to pretend to. And I hope Catherine appreciates her alleged future husband here saying things like "I still light up when I think of you" to the other woman Sean almost proposed to. And we learn that both Sean and Lindsay spent that final week in prayer, and this is easily the churchiest season of this show I've ever seen. Sean says "clarity" a few times and then "God reveals things on his own time," which I guess fortunately was RIGHT BEFORE THE PROPOSAL. And now Lindsay is talking about prayer again and how her faith helped her survive the cataclysm of a Sean breakup.
By Daniel
So Lindsay comes out -- her much less raccoon-like eye makeup doing WONDERS for her -- and she appears to NOT be shattered, but asks Sean what happened. He still doesn't know, other than he fell in love with Catherine. Oh, and he didn't ACTUALLY love Lindsay as much but was contractually obligated to pretend to. And I hope Catherine appreciates her alleged future husband here saying things like "I still light up when I think of you" to the other woman Sean almost proposed to. And we learn that both Sean and Lindsay spent that final week in prayer, and this is easily the churchiest season of this show I've ever seen. Sean says "clarity" a few times and then "God reveals things on his own time," which I guess fortunately was RIGHT BEFORE THE PROPOSAL. And now Lindsay is talking about prayer again and how her faith helped her survive the cataclysm of a Sean breakup.
Harrison then kicks it to commercial by saying "America's favorite couple" will be reunited, but then confusingly adds that he's talking about Sean and Catherine.
And then it's back to the smuggest Bachelor ever, "my man Sean," according to Harrison. He asks Sean how excited he is for Catherine to come back out, and Sean is excited to kiss her and hug her and (presumably) grind up on her.
So Catherine comes out, flashing the engagement ring, with Harrison asking her if it was difficult to have this proposal, which is "every girl's dream" but then having to take the ring off and pretend nothing happened. In her answer, Catherine uses the word "surreal" which means that I ignore everything she says subsequently for at least two minutes. Harrison asks Sean what it is about Catherine that he loves, and Sean helpfully says "everything," and he's "incredibly blessed," and even Harrison is like, "Come ON." And Harrison asks her how tough it was for her not to have Sean say "I love you back," and Catherine says, "A lady wants to hear it from the man first," so back she goes on mute, while she babbles on about what was going through her head as she walked towards Sean at Proposal Point.
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By Daniel
When we come back, Harrison tells some lies about how everyone was dying to know what was in the letter Sean received, but never mentions what a total letdown the reality was. Sean says he thought he might be left at the altar, and it took him two paragraphs to figure out she wasn't -- his reading comprehension skills are apparently, and unsurprisingly, terrible.
And the proposal itself -- oh god, they're playing it again. Because Sean and Catherine haven't SEEN it. You'd think the fact THEY WERE THERE is enough, but since there's not enough show to fill two hours every week, let alone three, we sit through it again. Harrison then asks what it's like to watch it again, and what it's like to watch each other watch it again.
And then Sean complains about how she didn't even look at the ring, and tries to pretend that she doesn't care about this kind of thing, despite the fact that basically the FIRST THING he said when he came out tonight was talk about how she finally gets to show off her massive rock.
As for the massive news? Well, Sean explains that although they don't have a date for the wedding, they've decided that since their relationship developed on television, it's fitting that their wedding should also be on television, and ABC will "cover" it. So the news that they just learned in the past twenty-four hours is that the contract has been finalized? That's unbelievably weak. I mean, obviously Sean and Catherine don't just DECIDE that their wedding will be on ABC, but Harrison insists on pretending this is a big surprise. Then there is some "what decade is this " queasiness with Catherine proclaiming she just wants to be Sean's wife, and Sean saying if it were up to him they'd just go down to the courthouse but a wedding is, after all, all about the woman. Harrison says he's actually ordained, so they can do it right now if they want. That, however, wouldn't drag their fifteen minutes out long enough, so of course they won't be doing that.
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By Daniel
And now it's what all of America has been waiting for: The final segment, which means the longest possible time until the Bachelor! No, it's time to introduce the Bachelorette, which, to one's surprise, is Desiree.
She walks out to a standing ovation, and now she is calling all this support a blessing. Jesus, even the cardinals choosing the pope don't drop this many religious references. Anyway, keep in mind that Desiree is currently at her peak likeability, a trait that will get whittled away week by week this summer as she moans about how hard it is to be on this show that no one forced her to do. Harrison asks how she thinks it'll all turn out. She hopes to meet the man of her dreams, obviously. The greater chance is of "brief run of tabloid covers followed by a return to obscurity." Then she appears ready to take on all twenty-five men. Yipes! Like, at once, or would they take turns?
Then Desiree shakes the hands of her adoring public -- seemingly surprised that a Bachelor studio audience is supportive of the whole business -- but unfortunately the show doesn't cut her mike, because we listen to her say "Thank you soooo much" about fifty times. I like her less already. But that's a problem for Summer Recapper Daniel (or maybe someone else, if the good lord sees fit to bring me home before then). It depends on how blessed I am.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He promises to keep in touch with all the friends he made at the best summer camp ever! Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
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