By Daniel
Meet Ben Flanjnjnik! He's from one of my favorite seasons of The Bachelor/ette -- i.e. any season I didn't watch -- and apparently he proposed to Ashley, who turned him down, probably because he should have combed his hair better, and then some boat drove him away, and even just a couple of moments in and I'm hoping he does about as well on this boat ride as Fredo Corleone did.
But then he's back in San Francisco building a winery or some shit, and he works hard and drinks hard and eschews shirt sleeves when he's sailing, and scanning the horizon for a potential wife. He's a better, more complete person today, he says, either due to being on The Bachelorette or his father dying, each of which is a tragedy. Looking for women in his vineyards doesn't seem to be working out for him, so he's coming on The Bachelor. I don't know this guy at all, but when you're decently good-looking (although my wife just emphatically told me that Ben is NOT attractive) and own a winery and can play the piano and have a hard time meeting women? You may be beyond hopeless. I mean, I managed to get married, and I don't own a winery. I just play the piano and am devastatingly handsome. Also, if you look at the success rate of The Bachelor and still decide it's a good way to find a spouse, you may be terminally stupid.
We spend about twenty minutes watching highlights of what's coming up tonight on the show, and -- holy shit! When I was told there was going to be a grandmother on tonight's episode, I just kinda assumed it was going to be someone in her mid-30s who had a kid when she was young, and then that kid went on to have a kid young as well -- not someone who looks old enough to be Montgomery Burns' mother.
Anyway, Chris Harrison would have you believe there's no braver thing a person can do than propose to someone. Then he introduces us to some of the women that Ben will be pretending to find interesting for the few weeks. Every season I knock myself out trying to make sure I fit all these dingbats into the first recap, but I'm not going to do that this time, fuck it, it's not worth it. Especially since one-third of them are going to be eliminated or killed or whatever tonight. So if something strikes me as noteworthy or -- more likely -- really annoying, I'll mention it.
Jesus Christ, the very first one is named "Lindzi" and she says, "Horses are kind of my zen." I'm fast-forwarding now. Also she was once dumped by someone via text that said "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU." I call bullshit on that. If it's true -- well, great job picking assholes to date. Meet Ben Flanjaninkinka! Now there is a hunter named Amber from Nebraska, who is a tomboy, but one of those tomboys with breasts, because no one likes the lesbian tomboys, right? And she eats cow balls, and then she licks her lips. There is Kacie, who is -- look, why can't any of them just say "receptionist"? Or "woman who promotes branded liquors in bars"? Why so many "administrative assistants"?
By Daniel
Courtney is a model, and she's the first one to trot out the "girls are competitive with me but I can't be bothered" attitude, because bitches be hatin'! She's excited to be a real bride because she's modeled as a fake bride a bunch of times. Jamie is a nurse, which is a real job that requires a brain, so she probably won't last long. She has a sad story about having to raise her younger siblings herself after her dad died. She's already too good to be on this show.
Lyndsie (sigh) is a daughter of a diplomat and she's from England but is in Arizona or California or someplace now, and her hobby seems to be trafficking in awful stereotypes of all the countries she's lived in. Jenna is a freelance writer in New York who writes about love and drinks wine and can't string a coherent, interesting sentence together, so let's all visit her blog right now! "Ben, I'm coming for you!" she says.
Shawn is a financial advisor in Phoenix with a son. "Everything I do at the end of the day is for him," she says, but finding the love of her life is the missing piece of her puzzle. Is that an autism reference? Nicki is a dental hygienist from Texas who thinks she and Ben will hit it off because they've "both gone through things in our past." Someday I hope to have gone through things in my past! She's already been married once, but it didn't work out, probably because her first husband didn't go through things in his past.
And now Ben Flajhninsgfanas is getting dressed, and he never in a million years would have imagined being in this position. He had his heart broken, but he's ready to move on. "No expectations, and I'm ready," he says. Uh, isn't there one BIG expectation?
Anyway, it's time to start the Potential Sexually Transmitted Disease Minefield Parade! Ben, looking like a clean-shaven version of one of those cavemen from the insurance commercials, sits down to chat with Chris Harrison, and he says it's good to be back. Then he starts talking about the last time he was on the show.
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By Daniel
When I come to, the women have started arriving. "It's go time," says Ben. Rachel, a fashion sales rep from NYC, is happy he's there; as opposed to an axe murderer (I remain unconvinced). Erika is a law student from Chicago. "The verdict is in, and you are guilty ... of being sexy," she says, so I guess she hasn't gotten to the "perjury" part of law school yet.
Amber's last name is Bacon, so her friends call her the Baconator, and she is from British Columbia, and for patriotic and bacon-related reasons I will cut her some slack. She's from Port Coquitlam, or as people from Port Coquitlam pronounce it, "Vancouver." Elyse is a personal trainer from Chicago. She's gonna make him sweat.
Then there's Jenna the blogger from New York. Her continued inability to string four articulate words together really isn't promising. The music cues make it sound like we're five minutes into the movie and are getting our first glimpse of the serial killer. She goes inside and bemoans her first-impression performance to the other women, who are already getting too drunk to give a shit.
There's that model Courtney, who doesn't appear to have ever been asked to model sincerity. She sounds like everything's boring to her. "That is a pretty girl," Ben says after she leaves, proving that he doesn't care what any of these boozehounds have to say. Emily is a PhD student in epidemiology in Chapel Hill. Therefore she rubs some hand-sanitizer over her hands and his before kissing him, and I hate to tell her that you don't need to be a fucking doctor in disease transmission to know that you need to protect yourself when you come on this show, and if anything, you'd think she'd know that hand sanitizer isn't going to cut it when everyone's in the hot tub making herpes soup.
Samantha is an advertising account manager who wears a sash announcing she's Miss Pacific Palisades, like that's a real thing. Casey is a trading clerk from Kansas, who has a forgettable ten seconds with Ben. There's Amber T., a critical care nurse (Holy shit! Two nurses!), who spends even less time chatting before looping around because she couldn't find the entrance, and then she pretends that she meant to do it, and not that she's drunk off her ass already.
New limo, and out comes Holly, a pharmaceutical sales rep from Kentucky, wearing a giant-ass hat, and she says Kentucky is known for beautiful women and fast horses. I've heard about the horses!
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By Daniel
There's Jamie, the RN, very charming and cute. "I'm loving the brunettes," Ben tells us. Then there's Shira, which is pronounced She-Ra, and she is a princess of power from Los Angeles, and she claims to know everything about wine, but it turns out she was only joking and is also an idiot. Up is Blakeley. She's a "VIP" cocktail waitress from Charlotte. She's so discombobulated by being told that there are other Southerners there that she says "I'm the only Southerner."
Then there's Sheryl, whose age is listed as an infinity symbol, and she's retired. She's from Pueblo, she needs crutches to walk, and is either the butt of or the perpetrator of the worst joke this show has ever played (apart from just existing). Ben notes the wedding ring on her finger, and she says there's a story about that, which probably involves "the Great War," and she says she watched him all last season and fell madly in love with him, and he gives her a hug, taking care not to break any bones.
Then it turns out that she's just there to pimp out her daughter, Brittney, a medical sales rep from Denver. Haw haw! They made us think the ancient old woman desires love! "That's too cute. I love grandmas."
Then grandma and granddaughter meet everyone inside, and Amber (also another nurse!) makes Canada proud by saying, "It smelled a lot like grandma." That's better than smelling like peach coolers, spermicide and regret! She thinks Brittney is doing this just for sympathy. Then she makes fun of Miss Pacific Palisades too, which is fine with me.
Jesus, I always forget how long this takes. It's like the Boston Marathon of drunken floozies. There's Nicki the dental hygienist, who greets him with an, "I'm glad it's you." I'm always confused by those statements, because some women seem surprised to see who the Bachelor is, while others claim to have come on the show specifically because of who the Bachelor is going to be. I think about it for a moment and then remember I don't care.
Here comes Dianna, a non-profit director from California. She's too tongue-tied to say anything, so maybe she can write something for Jenna's blog some time. Jennifer is an accountant from Oklahoma City, so she gives him numbers: 1,190 miles she traveled to be here, zero is the number of times she's been arrested, 54 is the number of dresses she tried on before picking this one, and one is the number of times she's been in love. Ben considers, then rejects, throwing the number sixty-nine out there.
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By Daniel
Out comes Lyndsie the Londoner, whose accent kinda makes her sound like she's someone who hates British people doing an impression of British people. Then there's Anna, a student from Detroit. All she says is "hi" and walks on past. She's pretty enough that she's probably used to her looks being enough, but old enough -- 25 -- that she may have to learn otherwise. Not tonight, though. "That's a bold move! That's awesome," says Ben.
Tragically, another limousine has arrived. Monica is a dental "consultant," whatever that is, who right off says she misses her dog more than anything. Sod off, Monica. Jaclyn is another advertising account manager. Shawn is the financial advisor -- it's all starting to blur together. There's Kacie, the administrative assistant from Tennessee. She wants him not to sugarcoat anything, and she promises she won't either.
Then instead of a limo comes a horse, being ridden by Lindzi, who thinks she deserves the first-impression rose already for coming in on Levi. "You're cute," she says. "You're beautiful," he says. "I gotta fire my agent," says Levi.
Inside, the women guzzle wine and complain about the one who rode in on a horse. As usual, the vibe is "If I didn't think of something awesome, then it's bullshit."
Anyway, that's it for the women, and once Chris and Ben are done bro'ing it up outside (all "all right, man" and "I love you" and "buddy") then it's time to go inside, where all the women take a break from talking about how cute he is so they can all screech at the sight of him entering the room.
He says he's looking forward to getting to know them, which I think ought to be the kiss of death in terms of marriage potential for all of these women, with the exception maybe of Sheryl.
Anyway, Rachel is glad that Ashley decided to let Ben go, because then she can have him all to herself. She asks if he thinks he's got his future wife here, like THAT'S THE POINT OF THE SHOW, and he refuses to even talk about "wifey" just yet and will just say he's looking for love. Well, the lowered marriage expectations on a show that ends with a proposal is always a good idea. Speaking of good ideas, Rachel quit her job to be here, and then Ben is stupid enough to say he's glad she did it.
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By Daniel
Holy shit, fully NINETY MINUTES of this show is just clips of the women talking about how cute Ben is. Like Nicki here, who sits down with Ben and accepts his -- I want to say compliment? -- that she is "nicely bubbly." They are talking about being clear and clarity or whatever. I'm not into Scientology.
Then there's Lindzi the horse rider, who wants to talk about how awesome her entrance was and what he was thinking when she made her awesome entrance. She says she tried to make wine once, from grapes you bought at the store. Ben manages to not call her a moron to her face. She thinks she could fall in love with him.
Brittney and her grandmother are discussing the competition. Emily calls bringing the grandmother a "cheap shot." Speaking of cheap shots, Emily tells a group of other awful, awful women that Brittney makes herself look better by sitting to someone old and wrinkly.
Ben then gallantly walks Sheryl to her car, while Brittney tells us she's drawn to Ben and excited to get to know him better. Sheryl gets in the limousine while putting in one last plug for her granddaughter. Holy crap! Grandma's crying in the limousine! I'm starting to think Bachelor limousines just have someone sitting in the backseat, off-camera, cutting up onions.
And here's the part of the premiere where the Bachelor whines about having to hand out the first impression rose. But first: premiere filler! There are pushups, tattoo explanations, line-dancing. All the vomiting is happening off-camera, as usual. Some woman blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy. "I am shocked at the level of competition," says Emily, adding that she'll do what it takes to impress him. Then she says he'll get gangsta, which sadly means not shooting people but rapping. No, she is really rapping. Like with the hand gestures and everything. And it sounds like something she might have written to try impress all the kids at a career fair to show them how cool epidemiology can be.
And now the model is whining about how hard she's been working -- she's 28! -- and sounding weary about all her travelling. It actually sounds like she wants to retire. She thinks she had a great conversation with him, whereas any outside observer will see "28" on the screen and feel scandalized that they're revealing contestants' IQs now.
Then Jenna the blogger -- trashed out of her head -- is the first to bring up the "not here for the right reasons" line because one of the other contestants admits to not feeling anything for Ben yet. Jenna -- who, again, is bombed -- tells us she's not here to party. "I don't like her," her victim, Monica, whispers to one of the other women when Jenna leaves. Then she bonds with Blakeley over what an awful person Jenna is, and now they are cuddling, with the other women looking on all Lesbian Alert! At them. Admittedly, Monica is coming across a little Single White Female right now. Jenna is banging the drum of Something Ain't Right with the other women, describing Monica as the woman who "attacked" her "emotionally." She's hyperventilating. "How do you maintain sanity?" she asks us. Shit, you don't even know how to maintain sobriety. Rachel thinks Monica is more into the girls than she is into Ben.
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By Daniel
Oh, this shit going to traverse a commercial break? Jenna wonders how Monica -- having made Jenna cry? I guess? -- can now be smiling. "She is here to stir up shit and cause drama," Jenna tells Rachel. I think the alcohol is self-replicating in Jenna's system.
Then Rachel unwisely makes the two of them sit together while Jenna keeps saying, "Why don't you like me?" and Monica says, "I don't know you!" and then Jenna suggests they share a tampon some time. Monica's not doing herself any favors by now going around saying if Jenna attacks her she will "cut her face off."
Of course, Rachel is also going to hell by not telling Jenna to quit drinking and shut up. Instead, it's all, "You're better than her" bullshit. Jenna wants to know why Monica hates her out of nowhere. "Because that's what women do," says Rachel. God, shut up, Rachel. Maybe women hate you because you're vile. That's a possibility!
Now Jenna is whining that everywhere she goes -- I don't know, people don't like her? I've never met her, and I don't like her. She paints a smile on when Ben sits down, who alludes to how he thought she was crying earlier. Jenna asks how he feels, and he says he's calm. Then she starts rambling about nervousness and calm, and she somehow makes even less sense when she's drunk.
Ben makes a whole lot of bullshit excuses to us on Jenna's behalf, about how he knows what kind of pressure she's feeling. They sound like post-Jenna-elimination comments, though. And now Jenna is crying in the bathroom to the point that I'm not sure if I actively dislike her or if she's got problems that I can't comprehend that deserve some sympathy -- for the root cause, anyway, if not the result.
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By Daniel
And while Jenna wails away -- to herself? She's behind a closed door -- in the bathroom, Ben picks up the first-impression rose and takes Lindzi aside. He insists it's not because of the horse but because of their conversations and how she seems real and down to earth.
And now it's time for the first Rose Ceremony. Rachel says it's nerve-racking, because going into this first Rose Ceremony, any one of them could be going home. Yes, that is the point and true of EVERY rose ceremony. Ben tells the women that he's "not looking forward to this" and goes off with Chris Harrison to start the culling. Jenna -- at least based on the editing this show has presented to us -- is still crying and flushing the toilet.
Then we come back from commercial, and all the women are lined up at the Rose Ceremony and Jenna is missing from it. "Karma's a bitch," whispers Monica. Jenna finally makes her way to the Rose Ceremony, promising us that she's going to "fight through this." Don't do us any favors, Jenna. She takes her place to Anna-of-few-words who I don't think we've heard from other than "Hi" and Monica rolls her eyes.
My GOD I love the Rose Ceremony. It's pointless and cruel PLUS it signals that we're getting closer to the end of the show AND the season! Plus it means that there will be some awful people who I won't have to see on screen until the After the Final Rose special!
Harrison welcomes Ben Flajnsnkniusan to hand out the roses. He thanks them for putting a lot on the line, and how this gets emotional, and love is part of that, because love is an emotion or something like WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT JUST HAND OUT THE GODDAMN ROSES ALREADY.
Jamie gets the first one (apart from Lindzi, I suppose). Then Rachel. Then Blakeley (shot of Monica quietly clapping). Emily. Then Kacie B., and Casey S. up is Brittney, then Erika, then Shawn. Nikki's (Ben compliments her hug. "Get used to it, buddy!" she responds). Jennifer gets a rose. Elyse gets a rose. Samantha gets a rose. There's a Samantha? Oh, right, Miss Pacifica Palisades. Courtney gets a rose because SHE'S SO INTERESTING TO TALK TO. Jaclyn gets a rose. Monica gets a rose. Jenna looks like she might vomit, but she's probably looked that way after every rose handed out.
There's a shot of one more rose left on the table, so I guess Ben is going to hand out five or six more -- oh, hold everything, Chris Harrison is telling us that that's the final rose. Glad we cleared that up. Ben spins the rose around in his fingers while staring at it for five hours before announcing "Jenna." Oh, groan. Hey, any time you get to keep around someone who got so drunk and weepy on the first night that she ALMOST MISSED THE ROSE CEREMONY you have to do it, right? That means the Baconator is gone, as is Anna the Beautiful but Quiet, among others. Harrison comes back out to tell all the losers that their bags are on the curb and they all need to get the fuck out now.
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By Daniel
There are hugs exchanged. The Baconator hugs him and wishes him all the best. She's sanguine about it, but manages to get in a shot by saying she'll find someone who isn't into needy, whiny, crying girls. Amen. Lyndsie the Londoner says she doesn't know why she was eliminated, but likewise, she wants someone who loves her for herself, jokes and all.
Aw, Amber T., the critical care nurse is crying and wishing she'd been more assertive. I do feel bad the women who are so hurt by a first-night elimination that they cry real tears. Then I remember that this show is evil, and will not rest until it has hurt as many women as it possibly can.
Harrison warns us that after the commercial break we'll see some scenes of what we can expect this season. The only reason I'm going to watch is because I bet one of these seasons they're just going to run clips from seasons, daring anyone to notice the difference.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He's really starting to think that Mike Fleiss either hates women or wants everyone to hate women. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.
Find out what happens when Disney characters meet The Bachelor in this video from Hulu's The Morning After:
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