There are twists and turns coming in this new episode of Bachelor Pad! From the contestants' reactions, they're on par with Inception, but that's probably not the case... unless you thought that movie was stupid.
Nick tells us that "it seems like so long ago" that they started, I'm going to have to agree. There are four "couples" left, and Chris the Eagle tells everyone in a completely spontaneous manner that whatever happens, it's going to be an unbelievable experience. I have the feeling I'm going to keep agreeing with the letter of what a lot of these dipshits say tonight. Sarah lets us know that there are no alliances "anymore," like they were so forged in steel up until now. Chris, whose treatment of at least one of his partners I believe prompted some sort of humanitarian outcry, says that Nick and Rachel are at a huge disadvantage, since their partnership is based on being thrown together and not on "chemistry." Rachel thanks the group for indulging her, I guess, since she's been whining about wanting to go home ever since Michael's ouster. Nick, for his part, tells us in a talking lobster head that he wishes Rachel would rely on him a bit more, but maybe she figures melanoma is enough for you to have to worry about, guy.
The morning, Tony and Blakely talk about challenges and whatever, and then Blakely tells us how she needs to win challenges because no one in the house can trust Chris "in this game," which makes a lot of sense, because I guess she'd be willing to lose to anyone she trusts? Chris Harrison then enters and blathers for a while until getting to it -- the winners of this morning's competition will have "a lot of power in their hands." I expect this should be read literally, like they're playing for an oversized battery, but Harrison also informs us that after this morning, one couple will be leaving the Pad "forever," and if that banishment comes with a restraining order I really hope Chris is involved. Harrison tells them all to pack, which is always a tease if you ask me, and then Tony tells the camera that he makes Blakely's nerves "come down a little bit," which, I'd suggest he apply to his claim that he's on this asinine show "for [my] son" and also, given the tank top he's wearing, to his claims of heterosexuality. Chris informs us that he and Sarah are "dark horses with their backs against the wall," which seems cruel, if not physically impossible.
So there's a huge scaffolding built over the pool, from which several cables attached to small platforms are dangling. Ed tells us that it's "imperative" that he and Jacklyn win, which makes me think he's automatically going to lose, as does anyone on any of the Bachelor shows who slips up and reveals an IQ over 80. So this contest is a combination of the "mental" and physical -- one person on each team will sit on one of the platforms, while his or her partner answers trivia questions. Each question incorrectly answered will result in one of the cables attached to the partner's seat being cut. After three cut cables, the contestant only will have a metal bar from which to hang; from there on out, it's pure stamina. Whichever couple's representative outlasts the others wins his or her team's right to send another couple home. Three of the couples pick their dude to sit, figuring that their upper-body strength will come in handy, but Nick and Rachel go against the grain. I'm all for doing things differently, but in the short time I've known him, Nick has not exactly made me think he's going to be Bachelor Pad Trivia Rain Man, and sincere apologies to Dustin Hoffman for that one.
So: Which girl was first into her bikini this season? It's Donna, and everyone gets it right. Which person in this season's Pad was from the earliest season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette? The answer is Erica, and only Nick (showing me up) and Sarah get it right, so Ed and Tony each lose a rope, not that one seems to have much of an effect. Which woman in the house this season did not compete in the "Falling For Love" competition? It's one of the twins, but Nick goes wrong, picking Brittany when in fact it was Erica. Rope cut for Rachel. Right before the Hot Sludge Fundae competition, there was a shakeup. Who was David's partner before the switch? It's Jamie, and everyone gets it but Blakely (she went with Sarah). Tony loses a second rope. What was the first competition on Season One of Bachelor Pad? It was Twister, and only Sarah pulls it, so the others lose a rope, and Tony loses his seat and begins his hang. Who took her bikini top off on a group date in Vegas in Season One? I can't believe the answer isn't "everybody," but it's Natalie, and everyone gets it right. Tony looks like his love for his son isn't reaching his deltoids. Which two contestants on Bachelor Pad 2 were mothers? Just like that, Tony falls. Weak sauce, bro. The answer is Ella and Michelle, and the remaining women get it right, while Nick only gets half the answer, leaving Rachel to lose another rope and her seat. Erica R and Michael S (seems appropriate to use grade-school abbreviations) were on Bachelor Pad twice; who is the only other repeat offender? Rachel falls. Sarah gets it right with Gia. At this point, Ed is hanging and Chris hasn't even lost one rope, so let's cut to the chase: Ed falls just as Chris is about to lose his first rope. Harrison invites Chris and Sarah to "think" things over and get back to him with a decision, and I assume there's no rush given that there's still over an hour and a half in this God-forsaken show.
Sarah jumps all over Chris in some gazebo, and then we hear her jabber about the contestants and whatever, which we know will reveal nothing, especially since Sarah says in all seriousness that everyone has "played such a good game." Blakely is in hilarious tears, and Harrison then essentially allows the rest of them to beg for their lives, although he frames it as letting anyone get anything off their chest they'd like to, and it's pretty awesome when Tony tells Chris that he wants to be able to win the money to provide for his son, like, letting you last through this elimination would be one thing, guy, but I'm pretty sure Chris's endgame is to win the cash for himself. If you don't believe me, ask him -- he's said so ten different times this episode already. They then stick in yet another commercial break, which would annoy me if this were a different show and I weren't recapping two hours of it.
Chris says he wants to say a few words (nice to ask Sarah if she'd like to say anything), and he whines about how people didn't trust him and whatever, and lord, Blakely, do you have to hold Tony's arm so it's smashed into your boob? You're scaring him! Not for long, though, as they're the ones going home, and Blakely cries like she just read The Yearling, or had it read to her in any event, like no wonder this is two hours long if they're going to show her crying for five whole minutes. As much of a dick as he is, I kind of enjoy Chris being all "whatever" about this storm of tears, because COME ON. The car ride keeps going and going, like, you can tell it's been hours because Blakeley is dry-eyed, and Tony babbles about his son and his "connection" with Blakely, and they share a kiss that would have passed Standards and Practices even in the 19th century.
Jacklyn whines about how a reward would be really nice, given all the wartime-level emotional trauma they've been through, and then Harrison comes in and tells them they're going to their challenge right now, and the winner will be guaranteed a spot in the final. Jacklyn can't believe her lot in life as the six of them hop into a limo, and they end up at the Palladium in Hollywood, which makes me cringe as to what's going to happen. You see, inside is Night Ranger singing "Sister Christian," which makes me SO SAD for them, especially since they're obviously lip-syncing. Even worse, the six of these idiots, with the aid of a vocal coach, will all be singing the song in front of Night Ranger and a live audience. Harrison sends them all off to rehearse, and Nick says while he can't sing, he's going to go "balls to the wall," which might actually help with that. Of course, I don't have much confidence in anyone who uses the construction "Rachel and I's."
You guys, vocal coaches use silly-seeming techniques to loosen people's voices up! It appears that Sarah's voice could be considered a deadly weapon in many states, not that anyone else's is much better. Nick and Rachel have no idea what the song is about, which in my opinion should eliminate them from the competition immediately. Ed and his stupid hair feel "disorientated." Me too, I guess.
The morning, Chris tells one of the other dudes that he vomited that morning, so nervous was he over Sarah's horrible singing. Soon day turns into night, and the couples are showing up to the theater in front of, the show would like us to believe, hundreds of people, which no. Rachel glams Nick up with some eye makeup as the CGI audience seems to go wild for the couples. Nick and Ed have hair-band wigs on, but Chris the Eagle is too cool for crap like that. Harrison then explains to the crowd what's going on, like if these people didn't answer some vague background casting call then I don't even know what. Same goes for Night Ranger, actually. Nick and Rachel go first, and Rachel at least hits the notes, if weakly. She and Nick also get into the performance aspect of it. Nick's voice is terrible, but his coach earned her money but getting him to carry the tune as well. The other couple can't believe how Nick and Rachel came together "out of nowhere," like the others' bonds have been fine-tuned over months and years, and now it's Ed and Jacklyn. Jacklyn, just after talking about how the competition is theirs to lose, misses her cue and asks to start again, to no avail. The performance is a disaster -- they flub tons of lyrics, for which they try to make up by dry-humping each other, which is not exactly appropriate, as Nick, who has recently learned what the song is about, is all too quick to tell us.
Now it's Chris and Sarah, and unlike with the other two, Chris, the dude, starts things off. As Nick gleefully points out, the mic is set too low, leaving Chris hunched over like an arthritic eagle. Chris can barely carry the tune, which is more than I can say for Sarah, and her dancing is even worse. Everyone knows at this point that Nick and Rachel have it won, so they watch Sarah spaz out like she's auditioning for Hooters while on ginseng and cough syrup, and Chris rips off his shirt for some reason, and then Harrison has to put Night Ranger through a discussion of all the couples.
Nick and Rachel: Good job. Ed and Jacklyn: Horrible. (And by the way, who doesn't know the words to this song?) Chris and Sarah: Most entertaining train wreck. Winners: Nick and Rachel.
Nick giggles that this is the first time he's ever been safe at a Rose Ceremony, which is kind of hilarious, and then we learn that Nick and Rachel will also be deciding which of the other two couples will be joining them in the finals. Jacklyn takes over for Blakely with some boo-hooing about how she let her partner down and whatever, although if she keeps it up for three straight hours we don't actually see it. There's more talk about who "deserves" to be in the final, as if anyone's basing their decisions on that, and then I think Jacklyn actually says that she will literally die if Rachel doesn't choose her? Only one way to find out!
Oh, the two loser couples get to beg for their lives once more! Nick uses the word "imperative" again, which makes me think of Dr. Pfeffer on Seinfeld who called everything "breathtaking," and Rachel tells us she wants to bring Ed and Jacklyn, but Nick thinks Chris and Sarah would be their better strategic decision. Nick seems to be breaking Rachel down with his cold logic, which is hilarious to witness on this show, although when he says that this will give them the win, she asks, "At what price?" like she thinks she'll have to endorse the check in Jacklyn's spinal fluid.
The couples come outside for the final Rose Ceremony, because the producers can't wait one extra second to get the eliminated assholes out of there, and Jacklyn is all, "Of course I deserve to survive, because if I don't I'll be very hurt and pissed off at Rachel," which is a great argument.
Nick babbles for a while at the other two couples about how "incredibly difficult" this is, and Jacklyn has preemptive cry/bitchface, which is good since Nick reveals they'll be going against Chris and Sarah. Ed's basically like, "Oooookay, dickheads," while Jacklyn and Rachel both channel Blakely, and can we get the losers in the car already? Yes, and once inside, Jacklyn lets loose a stream of bleeped invective toward Rachel, and YOU BOTH COULDN'T HAVE WON THE MONEY HELLO. Ed chimes in that Rachel owed Jacklyn, like he's one to talk about caring for Jacklyn's sensitivities, and Rachel tells us how "money is ugly." But not if you use it to take care of your son! Of course Jacklyn now says she'll vote for Chris and Sarah, and I'm not sure how that proves anything other than that Rachel was in a no-win situation thanks to your immaturity, but it's good you're not bitter! Unlike me for having had to watch this crap.
John Ramos is a writer and film producer living in Los Angeles. His current film, "The Trouble With Bliss," starring Michael C. Hall, Lucy Liu, Brie Larson, and Peter Fonda, can be seen on iTunes and other digital platforms and cable VOD everywhere. (Facebook and Twitter here.) You can email him at couchbaron@gmail.com, follow him on Twitter at https://twitter.com/couchbaron, or check out his blog, "Pull Up A Chair," which he'd just love for you to stop by.