In the immediate aftermath of Michael's surprise ouster (surprise mainly because the make-it-up-as-we-go-along Bachelor Pad changed the rules), Rachel runs crying up to her room while Jaclyn comforts her. She whines a lot about how she was falling in love or whatever, and doesn't know how she can continue, and the more she whines, the less sympathy I have for her. Jaclyn, meanwhile, calls it a "dirty fucking game" like this is some sort of high-stakes life-and-death situation instead of a rinky-dink low-rent game show where the main goal is to avoid contracting the clap or dying of alcohol poisoning. Really, the biggest bummer is that weapons-grade douchebag Chris is still in the house.
Chris Harrison strolls in to the house to tell everyone about the newest rule change: That from now on people are voting as couples and being voted off as couples. You know, at least until week, when things change again. And since Nick, who I don't know who that is, doesn't have a partner, he's going to be paired up with Rachel, who I'm surprised is barely able to breathe, the way she carried on about Michael's exit. I'm not sure she would have been more upset if Michael had been literally executed.
Then everyone takes some time to talk about what an asshole Chris is, which I can certainly get behind, and that could really occupy the better part of the two hours.
Then we get to commercial, during which my screen just goes yellow and stays that way for about 15 minutes, and even though it was much more enjoyable than the actual show, I've been looking forward to the hilarity of these alcohol-fogged brain-cell-murderers doing the spelling bee for weeks now, like there is no end of evil to this show? Blakely asks, "Who spells anymore?" in a preview. I guess the fact the need doesn't arise at Hooters too much makes her think no one needs to know that double-O's usually aren't represented by owl eyes.
[Note: They walk into an empty auditorium, and everyone is horrified at the idea of an intellectual competition. Everyone is nervous, and Tony says spelling is, "like, the one thing I suck out." It's a basic spelling competition, only they're competing as couples. The judges are "an entourage of Harry Potter kids" (direct quote from Blakely). The kids are the top three spellers from the state of California and will one day be these contestants' bosses.
Ed and Jaclyn have to spell "love," and they are legitimately proud of themselves for not screwing that up. Tony and Blakely get "rose," then we're followed by "kiss," "sexy," "heart," and Kalon is super confident closing the end of the round.
Round Two: "engagement ring," which is two words, but I guess this isn't a Counting Bee. Tony and Blakely get it wrong and receive one strike against them. up are Lindzi and Kalon spelling "jewelry," and Kalon screws it up. We then see yet another clip of them, this time spelling "rose ceremony," which our man Kalon again botches. Sarah rightly calls everyone idiots.
Rachel and Nick get "obsessive" (heh) wrong, Blakely and Tony oblivious spell "elimination" wrong and are out of the game, as this is their third strike in this poorly-edited challenge. Kalon and Lindzi are out on a word we don't know, and then Nick and Rachel go, too.
It's not the tenth round, and Chris and Sarah have one strike against them while. Ed and Jaclyn haven't messed up a single word. Ed and Jaclyn incorrectly spell "aphrodisiac," while Chris and Sarah shocking get "philanderer" right. Ed and Jaclyn, who have far exceeded the expectations of their competitors, viewers and producers, are tasked with "boutonniere," but Jaclyn flubs the second O and they're up to two strikes. Chris and Sarah get "titillating" but they absolutely flub it for their second strikes.
Round Eleven, and each couple has two strikes. I'm actually pretty impressed with the intelligence level right now. But fortunately, Ed and Jaclyn spell "flabbergasted" wrong and there is so much hope restored in this show that Daniel's power comes back on! -- Rachel]
We're right in the midst of the much-anticipated spelling bee, and Chris and Sarah are struggling through "entrepreneur."
They got the word wrong and both couples have three strikes like CRACK A BOOK SOME TIME, YOU MORONS, and then Chris Harrison says it's sudden-death mode but he unfortunately doesn't mean that literally. He makes Jaclyn and Ed spell "soiree" and it might help if he could pronounce it correctly, but when Ed busts out a U after Jaclyn successfully identifies the sibilant opening, I don't think pronunciation was really the problem.
So Chris and Sarah need to spell "lascivious" and Chris confidently says "I" when it should be a "C" and so this torture will continue. Chris Harrison says that's the end of Round 14.
So Ed and Jaclyn have to spell "cockamamie" and of course they have no trouble with the first four letters, and then Ed finishes by confidently wrapping up "cockamay" and Kalon, annoyed, bitches that Ed's been fucking Jaclyn but now may have fucked the rest of them (I'm presuming that's by giving Chris and Sarah a chance to win, and I hate to point out to Kalon that AT LEAST ED AND JACLYN ARE STILL IN THE COMPETITION, UNLIKE YOU).
So Chris and Sarah have to spell "serendipity." Kalon rolls his eyes. Chris and Sarah successfully do so, and they jump around and hug each other. Awesomely, Blakely is actually in tears, while Chris Harrison explains they'll enjoy an overnight date away from the Bachelor Pad, and Harrison says he knows they'll enjoy that, mainly because they won't get murdered in their sleep tonight. Ed and Jaclyn get an overnight date too, for being runners-up, but no roses. Kalon tells us that with Chris and Sarah's immunity, that means the Alliance is going to have to break down and there's no way for them all to remain friends. Blakely feels like Chris is going to come after her.
In the limo on their way to the date, Sarah says she never thought they'd win. "I did," says Chris, and Sarah wonders if that means they're the smartest people in the house, which is like asking if you're the best hockey player in Guam. My yellow screen of death earlier prevented me from seeing that the gang apparently arrived in a school bus and now have to ride it, now layered down by much more self-pity and dread.
Now Chris and Sarah are in a plane, Chris's declaration of their being the smartest couple in the house undermined by the way he talks about how "me and Sarah [sic] just kicked ass in the spelling bee". He then declares it National Chris and Sarah Day. Eh, if it's a day off work, I vote it gets extended to Canada too.
Then they arrive in some sort of old-timey village with an old-timey train. It's a very slow train, which unfortunately gives the two of them plenty of time to blather at each other about how awesome they are and how awesome this is. Sarah tells us she thinks Chris is amazing and she's really falling for him, which makes me feel quite sorry for her, especially since he's talking about how he still has some feelings for Emily. Is he under the impression that she was ever actually interested in him?
They go strolling through a field to a picnic by a lake and they of course just happen to have their bathing suits on underneath their clothes, so they strip down and yell "Serendipity!" and jump in the lake, and Chris IMMEDIATELY starts talking about how cold the water is, totally laying the groundwork for a shrinkage excuse later on.
Back at the house, Rachel is moaning about Michael being gone, Sarah and Chris winning. Jaclyn thinks she's a "stage seven earthquake," whatever that is, but since Rachel is an utter mess and nobody knows who Nick is, Jaclyn starts sounding out the rest of the alliance about possibly voting them out. Everyone seems non-committal about this, but obviously everyone would rather Nick and Rachel rather than themselves.
Rachel and Nick have a discussion about it, and Nick, getting more screen time he's had in five episodes total, is worried that Rachel being checked out means he's in danger too.
And now Chris and Sarah are in some fucking barn somewhere, and Sarah has clearly been coached to ask him about past relationships (i.e. Emily), and Chris feels it was "very brave" of her to ask him, and he likes to talk about it since "it's a healing process that helps me heal." So their relationship is going well, if anyone cares. Sarah at least understands everyone else thinks Chris is a shithead, but she says she gets to see sides of him that no else does. Sarah, "penis" is not a side.
Back at the house, I can only assume that all the other women in the house are at the "Rachel, we love you, but GET OVER IT" stage. She, Jaclyn and Blakely are chatting, and Jaclyn seems to be over her inkling towards voting Rachel and Nick out, but is gravitating to Kalon and Lindzi, mainly because she trusts Rachel more (also, Rachel is a basket case which may make her easier to beat?). Jaclyn tries to justify it by saying she, Blakely and Rachel have "invested" more into the show, whatever that means. And they pinky-swear that they're all going to get rid of Lindzi and Kalon. Well, that's three of five couples (assuming the menfolk listen to the wimmin), which would do it. You know, unless the show just changes the rules at the last moment.
Back at the barn, Sarah is babbling about how what they have is so much more special and unique from what anyone else in the house has. I hate to point out to Sarah that she's girlfriend No. 3 for Chris THIS SEASON. She seems so genuinely into him that I almost feel bad for her, and then she talks about how she just wants to get rugged and sexy with Chris in the barn, and then I start hoping for some kind of horrifying accident involving farm machinery.
And now it's Ed and Jaclyn's turn for an overnight date, and I'm convinced that the overnight date was conceived the second Ed and Jaclyn came second, to exploit some more "Ed's just not that into Jaclyn" drama.
Anyway, with the rest of the house looking on awkwardly as smitten Jaclyn and not-into-it Ed leave on their date. They fly around the California coastline, looking at islands, while we're forced to listen to Jaclyn's lamentations on getting her heart broken. I mean, by this point, Ed has explicitly said he's not interested in a romantic relationship with her. She tells us she's scared Ed will hurt her. "Will" hurt her?
Anyway, the plane lands, and they have a picnic, and broach the elephant in the room, with Ed mumbling a half-hearted apology for how he approached things and Jaclyn wince-inducingly jumping in to make excuses for him about how he was caught off-guard and such. She, naturally, pretends she's happy to keep things going the way they are. And her "Unless..." completely puts the lie to that.
That's when Ed starts spinning a story about how he's pursuing a woman back home, and he came on the show single, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for someone back home. Jaclyn says, "Ugh, all right. That's a doozy." She says she wouldn't have "acted that way" if she knew, and Ed said he figured since she "talks to everybody" she would have known, since it was one of the first things that he talked to Sarah about, and she has to point out she's not Sarah. Yeah, that's part of Ed's problem, sorry Jaclyn.
She cries in an interview and says, "That sucks for me" and I had to keep rewinding it because I thought she said, "Butt sex for me."
She doesn't know what she's done wrong, because she's been "so cool and chill" about everything. What did you do wrong? Well, you agreed to go on this show, twice, for a start.
So who else do we need to check in on? Oh, Tony and Blakely. He's really falling for her, what with her inner and outer beauty, and he wants to show her that he's in it for her, and so he's thrown together some pillows and candles and wine -- all things in abundance in the Pad -- on the ground so they can sit and drink and make out. He hopes there's something that can carry on after the show, what with her being the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up and when he goes to sleep.
They cuddle and he says he'd love to see her in his daily life, and usually the desired response is "I have tons of trust issues," which is what Blakely says, adding that she needs a strong guy to bust through all that. Translation: I expect you to do all the work and put up with my bullshit. She tells us, though, that she really likes Tony and she's confident the two of them will have "something outside of here."
So instead of just ending the Ed and Jaclyn date and putting everyone out of their misery, they continue on to dinner while Jaclyn professes to still be confused by Ed, because he acts like they're in a romantic relationship, but he says they're not. And since this is an overnight date, she's got a decision to make. Seems like that's an easy decision. "If he's going to continue saying he's not romantically involved with anyone in the house, like he did at the last Rose Ceremony, then I need to back away," she says. Jesus, how many TIMES does he need to say it?
So when she starts blathering on about it to him at dinner, Ed can barely hide his annoyance, and asks her what she thinks it means for them to be a team on Bachelor Pad, because it seems to him she wants to be a couple in the Pad. "I feel like this is a Facebook status thing," he says. By this point, he's decided the discussion is stupid and childish, and she tells him he makes him feel like an insignificant piece of shit. She says that within the confines of the show, she feels like they're a couple, but he doesn't. "I don't want to look like a whore," she says.
Ed hilariously just starts digging into dinner. "Well, I don't want to look like an asshole," he says. "I don't want to look like a whore," she says again, and then adds that she wants to make sure they're on the same page. I realize that "I don't want to look like a whore" is a weird thing for someone who voluntarily goes on The Bachelor to say, but if it makes Jaclyn feel better, she doesn't seem like a whore. I mean, whores get paid.
Ed brashly says he's closer to her than anyone on the house so of course he wants to sleep in the same bed. "I trust you more than anybody, and by the way, we have amazing chemistry," he says. Beyond that, he wants to play it middle-of-the-road. He calls it "comforting" when they sleep together and it solidifies their trust. "By us sleeping in the same bed, yes, we are a couple," he tells her. "Why is he acting like such a douche?" Jaclyn asks us? She doesn't ask him that. She kisses him and smiles and stamps WELCOME on her torso and goes out to lie down in front of doors.
And she comes to terms with being Ed's fuck-buddy and we watch them go upstairs to their overnight suite, Jaclyn leaving any bit of dignity downstairs as she does so.
The day, Ed and Jaclyn return to the house with the news that they have immunity roses to give out. Jaclyn, who is now dead inside, basically expects everyone to bow down before them before they bestow the roses. She's gone full mercenary, it seems. So we watch everyone starting to kiss up to Ed and Jaclyn while this pseudo-Godfather music kicks in. Kalon and Lindzi explicitly tell them they'll do whatever they say. "I'm your bitch," says Lindzi. I kinda wish that Ed had gotten mad at Kalon and mumble-yelled, "You can start by being a man!" I mean, the guy doesn't read, but he watches movies, right?
Eventually, Jaclyn and Ed bestow the roses on Tony and Blakely, but not before Ed gives an eyerolller of a speech about how when he gives his word he keeps it and he expects others to do the same. If there's one thing people expect you do on this show, it's keep your word! (It sure isn't spelling the word.)
Kalon says he can't believe Ed and Jaclyn didn't give him and Linzi the roses, just because they don't run around like "emotional alcoholics" screaming about their feelings. Maybe it's because you call people, some of whom supposedly are your friends, "emotional alcoholics"? At any rate, this is the worst possible outcome for him and Lindzi, a sentiment that gets tossed around so much it doesn't mean anything anymore.
So it's the cocktail party time, where Harrison comes out to remind them about the voting-as-a-couple rule. And it seems at first like there's a new person in the house, but it turns out that it's just Rachel having restyled her hair and we're seeing her forehead the first time. I guess with Michael gone she's decided no more bangs for her of any kind. She looks really nice!
Rachel tells Nick that they should vote for Kalon and Lindzi, since that's the way the alliance is going. Elsewhere, Kalon is grumbling that they've "played ball" this whole time and this is what they get for it. Guy, at some point on reality show, every alliance ends. He feels he let Lindzi down this week (I assume by blowing the spelling bee?) so he wants to make it up to her by trying to take down Rachel and Nick. He needs to get Blakely and Tony on board, because then Chris and Sarah will be easy.
Kalon makes his pitch, pointing out to Tony and Blakely that he and Lindzi are a real couple, unlike the slapped together Nick and Rachel (and Rachel doesn't want to be there any longer).
Blakely and Tony discuss it, with Tony saying he'd prefer to keep Kalon and Lindzi because Kalon's his "boy" but he knows Blakely's closer to Rachel. And then Nick strolls in and it ought to be clear to Nick what Blakely and Tony were talking about it because Tony overdoes it with "The Nickster!" rather hilariously.
Nick says he wants a "quick chat" to see where their heads are after chatting with Kalon and Lindzi. Blakely says she doesn't know, even though she used to. She wants to see what's on the table, and Tony finishes by saying they want to make the right decision.
And then Rachel comes in to join them, and Nick is all "They don't know where their heads are at!"
Nick doesn't know why anyone would keep Kalon, and Tony sticks up for him, saying Kalon has always been a hundred per cent honest at least with him. Nick starts getting increasingly agitated, since this was Tony's plan and he went along with it. Tony's "We didn't shake on it" is less than comforting, and of course further making Nick angry is the fact that he already voted. Rachel characterizes it as Nick deciding to suddenly turn into a lunatic, which is a bit harsh, but Nick is certainly doing the Widow Stagliano no favors.
Grievances get aired! Yes, Nick admits, he voted for Blakely in the past, and Tony thinks Nick shot "from the mouth" a little bit. Kalon admires his handiwork, and we listen to him cackling out into the Bachelor Pad night.
So Blakely and Tony go to talk about Chris and Sarah to talk about how "feisty" things just got with Nick, while Rachel commiserates with Jaclyn, while still whining about Michael being gone. So she CALLS Michael, much to Nick's chagrin, and he goes wandering off whining to anyone who'll listen about how he can't believe Blakely might want to vote him off now. We don't hear any of Rachel and Michael's conversation other than "hello," though.
Kalon does a little bug-planting with Jaclyn, all "What was Nick's deal?" and "I can't believe Rachel said she wanted to leave here," and then he and Lindzi vote for Nick and Rachel. We don't see who Blakely and Tony vote for. Chris and Sarah for Kalon and Lindzi, and it sounds like he thinks Rachel and Nick are a ticking time bomb that will take care of themselves at some point. Jaclyn's pretty happy at getting decide the fate of someone else, because it's not like she's got any control over how things are going for her personally.
Nick says he's not here to make friends but to win $250,000. Well, he's certainly successful in the not making friends part! As for the other goal, we still have the Rose Ceremony to get through, and Kalon says he's confident his plan to unseat Rachel and Nick went well.
Ed and Jaclyn get the first set of roses, obviously. The pair goes to Rachel and Nick, though, so Kalon couldn't break the alliance. Kalon and Lindzi have been loyal, Jaclyn tells us, but she still can't vote Rachel off, since they're so close.
There's a lack of rancor on Kalon's part -- there are mostly hugs, and then the two of them get into separate limousines. But they're not even out of the driveway before Kalon makes his limousine stop so he can get out and join Lindzi in her limousine so the two of them can snuggle and kiss and Kalon can say that considering what they've left with, they're the biggest winners on the show. "I can't imagine anyone loving anyone more than I do you," he tells her. You know, I'd probably be less suspicious if it were anyone other than Kalon, but part of me -- the cynical part that this show cultivates and hardens into a fist-sized ball of distrust -- thinks this is calculated image-rehabilitation on Kalon's part. Everyone cheering in the driveway, though, has no such doubts, so I suppose there's that.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He may keep this episode on the DVR until his daughter is old enough for him to show her Ed and say, "This is the guy you must avoid at all costs." Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.