Forget It, Rachel. It's Bachelor Pad

S03E08

Nick grins. Harrison reminds us AGAIN of how the votes work. So now it's time for Nick's diatribe, as he talks about how no one among the rejects, no one watching at home, NOT EVEN CHRIS HARRISON HIMSELF, would have ever believed he'd make it there, and despite having done so, he was just slagged off tonight by Jaclyn and Ed for saying he didn't deserve to be there and was inconsequential in the house. No one ever cared how he wanted to vote, he says (of course, a moment ago he was passing off his low profile as an intentional strategy, but whatever, Nick).

As for Rachel? Well, she didn't even want to be his partner. She tried to back out on him three times, knowing it would screw him over. But she didn't, she reminds him, looking increasingly concerned the longer his rant goes on. The rest of the losers, Chris and Sarah especially, are rapt. "Never once did you say, 'you know what? I'm going to stick it out for your sake, Nick,'" he tells her. "Yes, I did," says Rachel softly. He says she didn't, that she kept talking about how she was going to do it for Michael. He says she told him if she and Michael were in the competition together, they'd win for sure. "But I was your partner," he says. "I didn't say that," says Rachel.

"You sure did," he says. "And I decided to keep it." Sure enough, he did. The audience goes nuts, standing and clapping. Even a lot of the rejects are loving it. SWAT gets up to hug Nick, and Chris would like a high-five as well.

Harrison, like a beleaguered judge in a disrespectful courtroom, calls for order, and a shocked Rachel doesn't want to sit to Nick. "You are fucking laughing right now?" she says, telling him he's there because of her. "You're a disgusting human being," she says. Nick, whose quarter-million dollars insulates him from such insults, gets up and strides over to the rejects and asks them how many of them said in interviews that they were there for $125,000 instead of $250,000, huh? He strolls back to the couch where Rachel says she's devastated. Oh, and here come the waterworks. "I thought we've been through a lot," she says, and come to a trust and understanding. Nick, amusingly, is not moved in the least, and gets called a "shmuck" and "disgusting" again. "I'm a shmuck with $250,000," he says, to some well-deserved laughter.

Another commercial break, and when we come back Rachel is still wiping her eyes. Harrison asks Jaclyn how she feels about the opposite scenario happening from what she said should happen. Jaclyn seems to think she was right, because she didn't trust Nick. It goes unremarked-upon that had Rachel voted to Keep like Jaclyn advised, she STILL wouldn't have gotten anything. "She deserved it!" she says. "Why don't I deserve it?" asks Nick, and Jaclyn can't come up with anything better than "You just don't." It's Kalon who then asks if anyone here actually knows what the word "deserve" means because it's just a game and none of them deserve it, and it's like we're peeking behind the curtain at the great and powerful Oz here. You half expect Harrison to take Kalon out with a blowgun.

Harrison asks Erica if it's a "game of lies" and Erica says it is so that's why, since she's such a morally upright person, she's not good at it. Harrison checks in with "America's Sweetheart" to see if she's still sleeping with "America's Douchebag" Kalon, and Lindzi makes everyone concerned for her mental well-being when she says Kalon is a "nice, sweet guy," and that he was "overlooked" on Emily's season. Overlooked? He was rude to Emily more than once and was finally given the heave-ho only when he called Emily's daughter "baggage."

And then Erica Rose decides to warn her about Kalon, but as usual whenever Erica Rose starts talking no one knows where the words are coming from at first because her mouth hardly moves. She needs to hold a ventriloquist's dummy and speak through that. And she warns Lindzi to "be careful" because she's seen Kalon around town with different women like at a movie premiere. When Harrison asks why Kalon and Erica have so much animosity towards each other, she laconically says "Kalon started it," basically, by saying Kalon "targeted" her years ago. Harrison asks Kalon if there's anything he needs to apologize for, and Kalon says, "Nope."

After a commercial break, Harrison brings Michael Stagliano up to the Softball Interview/Image Rehabilitation Seat, and Michael talks about how he was surprised to last more than a couple of episodes, given that he was a returning champion. We watch the Stagliano highlight package that lasts like TEN MINUTES and by this point the "most shocking" turn of events in Bachelor Pad history would be a one-hour episode.

We watch Erica R. go nuclear and take Michael S. down with her, and Michael says he did lie to her and he's not upset that she took him out, but he does think what she said at the time about Holly was uncalled for. Erica babbles about it and I have no idea whether she feels bad about that at all.

And then it turns out that Michael and Rachel aren't really a thing anymore, and he says he didn't feel there was enough there for a long-distance relationship, and Jaclyn accuses him of being a phony, and Erica thinks Rachel was led on as well, and Michael doesn't really have much to say to that.

After a commercial break, it's Jaclyn's turn in the hot seat, following another too-long-by-half highlight package, dominated by awkward-at-the-time-even-more-so-in-hindsight clips illustrating how much she digs Ed. Through the picture-in-picture, we see her watching the clips, and she doesn't seem too upset by everything, although we don't watch the scenes where Ed explicitly explained he doesn't LIKE like her, and then we go to Jaclyn whining about being betrayed by Rachel, which Jaclyn looks much more upset by as she watches it again.

"It absolutely sucks to relive that," she tells Harrison, and says she played "the most loyal game" in her life, making sure to explain she's never been so loyal in her life, "trust me," whatever THAT'S supposed to mean. "A best friend doing that to you, essentially taking away their best friend's chance to win $250,000, is unforgivable," she says. (Even though Rachel would be doing exactly that IN THE FINAL had she kept Jaclyn! So grow UP, Jaclyn!)

At least she's come down a little bit from her stance that she won't vote for Rachel. Now she's just "torn." And then she complains that Michael got credit for being the puppet master, when she feels she controlled the game. (Footage not found.)

Commercial break, and then it's time to visit with Blakeley, who has been sitting holding hands with Tony up until now. We watch her happiness at being Chris's partner vanish almost immediately when it turns out that Chris is a weird eagle-headed child, and then hero Tony wanting to be the best partner ever for Blakeley, mainly, it would seem, because she's "smoking hot." Blakeley calls him "precautious" which I think I missed first time around, as well as Tony pulling a corny "who's got two thumbs and an incredibly hot woman by his side? THIS guy" joke on their exit limo ride, which should have turned his exit limo ride into an exit hitchhike home.

Blakeley now says she was suspicious of Chris from Day One, and she told "many a people" about it. Harrison asks her why there's so much animosity between her and Jamie. Maybe it's the necklace choke chain thing she's wearing on her head and in her hand and the huge jangly earrings that sound like a janitor's keychain when she moves her head in the slightest.

And now Jaclyn and Jamie are yelling at each other, along the lines of how fake the other one is, to the point that Harrison has to remember that he's supposed to be interviewing Blakeley, so then he asks her about her relationship with Tony, like anyone cares about that. Blakeley says it feels like it's too good to be true. She kind of chokes up, so I guess that means he's paying her cable bill. She says he lets her "be Blakeley" and then Harrison threatens that he's going to talk to Blakeley much more, but we have to have a commercial break.

So based on the fact that Blakeley's interview is spanning a commercial break and that we saw some sort of preview where Tony joins her and talks about how he wants to show how much she means to him and then a standing ovation, we're clearly building to something. Blakeley wants to know where Tony was from the beginning, and Tony says he had a crush on her right away but she went straight to Chris and then he got "friend-zoned," like maybe guys need to stop blaming women for not automatically wanting to sleep with them.

And then Tony joins her up on stage for the big announcement that they're moving in together like CONGRATULATIONS, and the audience can barely work the applause up over a "that's good, I guess?" level. Blakeley's moving to Portland, it seems, and then Tony says he's got one more thing to say. "I care about you more than anyone I've ever been with, and I don't want this to end," and it's always romantic when you talk about all the other people you've ever been with when you're declaring your love for the person you're currently sleeping with.

And then he gets down on one knee, and Blakeley is all, "Are you fucking kidding me?" and he asks her to marry him, and clearly this isn't too much of a surprise because the cameras are set up to pick up the name of the jewelry company in the ring box, and Blakeley says "absolutely" and the crowd gets to its feet and the other Bachelor Pad losers all get up to hug and congratulate them.

And we're only halfway through this shit show, but now it's time to bring out the two couples who can still win the money. Rachel and Nick, and Sarah and Chris stroll out and sit down.

Rachel says she's excited to be here, but there still some "unresolved things" and people she needs to talk to. She says she had strong feelings for Michael and she thought he did for her, but turns out not so much. "You were so into me. All of America saw it," she says, pointing out that he told her he hadn't felt this way about someone since his fiancée, but once the show was done, he turned cold to her. Michael says that once he got off the show, he realized he wasn't falling in love, and he didn't want to get into a long-distance relationship. Well, I guess it's good she didn't quit the game over Michael leaving, hey?

And there is discussion of Michael's trip to see her in a hotel room that Michael apparently thought was closing the book on their relationship, while she felt she was led on with the kissing and the cuddling. Also crushing Rachel (literally, according to her) was later finding out that Michael is now in a long-distance relationship with someone in Chicago, and when she decides he doesn't get to say any more about it, she's all, "OK, Michael, we get it," when it seems kinda like the point is she didn't get it.

And then Nick gets to speak. He's just been sitting there the whole time, fortunately looking less bright orange than he has at times on the show. Of course, he just gets to talk about what it was like filling the void left by Michael. And now that he's in the final four, it's easy for him to pretend that his under-the-radar strategy was totally the plan all along.

And now it's Chris's turn to talk, only he says dumb things like the whole thing with Blakeley and Jamie was tough on him, and his family. Turns out his family gave him an earful about how he treated the women. "The game got a hold of me," he says, and blames his behavior on trying to get over Emily.

Jamie's not impressed, and says Emily was very wise to see right through him, because he wouldn't make any great father. "It's unfortunate that you think that way," says Chris, apparently not so sorry for his shitty behavior to keep from getting angry at someone who was hurt by his shitty behavior.

Harrison decides that his one job -- being the host -- is too much, and decides to let the Bachelor Pad rejects do the interviewing. Jaclyn wants to know why Rachel didn't put up a bigger fight for her. Why did Nick, who landed in the final position out of luck (as opposed to Jaclyn, whose presence in the Bachelor universe is due entirely to talent and hard work), get to decide Jaclyn would leave? "It was by far the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life," says Rachel, who adds that she fought "tooth and nail" to keep them, but Nick points out that Chris and Sarah are awful people (not a direct quote) and he felt they would have had a tougher time against the well-liked Ed and Jaclyn in the final.

Rachel gets choked up as she talks about how loyal Jaclyn is and how she never lied and how she wishes Jaclyn were up there with her. Jaclyn looks moved by that. Besides, who wants to vote for Chris and Sarah? That's like cheering for the Death Star.

Harrison asks Chris if he regrets the controversial things he did that hurt people. Of course he says he doesn't, because he's really just sorry that other people are calling him out on his shit. He shrugs his shoulders and does the "It's a game, I'm here to win" thing, and Blakeley sets him straight: "You came here to win. We have to vote. I just think you should have just thought about that gameplay." Cheers from the crowd.

And now Sarah is speaking up. It's so cute when she pretends she's her own person! Of course, it's to defend Chris, calling him the "kindest, sweetest person," and Blakeley asks her if she's actually sure he'd share the money with her. Jamie and even sweet Paige call him out some more about not actually being sorry, and Chris makes the ridiculous statement that "you can't regret things you can't change," which a) isn't true and b) is something only an arsehole would believe anyway, since it gives him license not to feel bad about shitty things he did.

Harrison asks him what he learned, and Chris says he learned that the game got control of him. And then he apologizes to Jamie, from the bottom of his heart. Jamie's not buying it. Blakeley's rolling his eyes. And now Chris is announcing that he's had enough criticism because he gets it every day from his family, and he asks everyone to vote not for him, but for Sarah, since she deserves it. Seems to me that Sarah knew -- and got a little thrill -- that he was being deceitful to the other women, but didn't care because her being chosen meant she was better than the other two.

And now it's time to vote, which makes me start running through scenarios in my head over what Rachel's promised backstage profanity-laced tirade could be about, since we still haven't seen that.

The rule is "one brain, one vote," so that's why the twins (who we amusingly haven't heard from AT ALL tonight) get just one vote. So there are sixteen votes available, so the first team to get nine moves on to the round.

The vote tally! Michael votes for "Rachel ... also Nick" to chuckles. Jamie shockingly votes for Rachel and Nick. Kalon votes for Sarah and Chris. Ed votes for Nick and Rachel. Blakeley votes for Nick and Rachel. Dave votes for Chris and Sarah. Erica votes for Chris and Sarah. Reid votes for Nick and Rachel (Reid has been quiet tonight too). Lindzi votes for Rachel and Nick. She says it was tough, because I don't think LIndzi wants anyone to dislikes her. Donna, not in a bikini, votes for Nick and Rachel. Tony votes for Nick (called "Captain Protein" on his card) and Rachel. So Nick and Rachel need just one more vote, out of the five left.

So let's go to Jaclyn . She says she played a loyal game, and decided to stick with a loyal game. She voted for Nick and Rachel. Not really a surprise. Chris and Sarah hug Nick and Rachel, and then Rachel and Jaclyn embrace.

After a commercial break, Rachel and Nick are alone on center stage, Chris and Sarah having been moved to the side, Chris clearly wondering how long he has to continue to pretend to like Sarah. Harrison sticks with the storyline that it's such a shocker that this couple that was just thrown together made it to the end, like all the rest of the couples were married for 20 years before coming on the show. And he also reveals that all of the remaining unseen votes were for Nick and Rachel too, so I hope Chris reconsiders a "no regrets, assholes!" strategy time he wants people to vote for him for something.

Anyway, Harrison asks Rachel how it feels to be partnered with someone who she's not really sure she can trust. You mean like with Michael? Naturally, both Nick and Rachel think they are an excellent couple or whatever.

So to go over the rules: they will each vote, separately, to keep or share the money. If they both vote "Share" they split it. If one votes "Keep" and the other "Share," the person who chose "Keep" gets it all. If they both vote "Keep," then the rejects are the ones who get to split the money.

So off they go, while Harrison polls the rejects on what Nick and Rachel will/should do. Jaclyn says Rachel should vote to keep the money, since she deserves to be there more than Nick does, and pardon my eye-rolling. I mean, even someone in this sympathetic audience boos her for that. She does, however, think Rachel will vote to share. Chris says they'll both vote to share. SWAT asks if he's the only one who'd take the money and run. Of course, you'd have to last more than a couple of episodes to get the chance, SWAT.

Oh, this is painful to watch. Endless speculation coupled with shots of Rachel and Nick looking agonized in their respective voting rooms, like they don't already know what they're going to do.

Rachel and Nick are trotted back out on stage, oversized novelty votes in their hands. Are they ready to reveal their votes? They are. Harrison reminds us again how the voting works, for some reason. I'm willing to bet they already know.

So let's get to it: How did Rachel vote? Instead of just TELLING us, she launches into a spiel about how she came on to the show for both possibilities, love and money. "There was a time I thought I was really close to both," she says (shot of Michael). She tries to pretend that she didn't come here for "half the money" (because $125,000? Fuck that!) but you can't win without a partner, so she voted to share.

The audience applauds Kalon's common sense, and he congratulates Nick, who he says he underestimated. Tony wants to know if Nick now or will ever feel even a little bit bad for hurting someone, and maybe we should ask if he knows what "hurting someone" means because I don't think "not letting someone co-win money in a game" should really count. Nick points out that he didn't set out to hurt anyone, but it was a game and he set out to win. Rachel says he lucked out. Which is equally true.

And now Chris shall speak, hoping for some of that wise-Kalon applause. "This is a game. Feelings have been hurt (unspoken: mostly by Chris). I love you to death, Rachel, I swear to god I do, but Nick, I think you won the game. You did. You won." "I think"? Were we waiting on a ruling from the Eagle?

Erica asks if he would have voted Keep no matter who his partner was, and Nick says it was just this situation. "I don't feel like I owe anyone anything," he says again.

Harrison asks Michael what he thinks. No-win for Michael, who does his best to castigate Nick for, I guess, being the most recent of the two of them to disappoint Rachel. He's critical of him for not being sympathetic to what she's going through. Nick suggests Michael console her then, and gets support from an audience member who yells out that Michael wasn't any more sympathetic than Nick is, and there is more applause.

And now Jaclyn wants to know why Nick is so MEAN all of a sudden. Yeah, that's Jaclyn's job. "At least show her some sort of SOMETHING," she tells him. "I'm not being short. This is the end of the game," he says. Jaclyn, let's not forget, advocated for Rachel to do to Nick what Nick just did to Rachel.

Harrison now turns it on the audience, noting that they seemed very excited by what happened, and Rachel is all, "Yeah, what's up with that?" and someone yells, "We love you, Rachel!" Too little, too late.

Harrison does a little moralizing about how Nick is $250,000 but maybe it cost him in terms of friends. Well, Rachel's probably going to be mad for a while, but the rest of the rejects seem cool with it, and I presume Nick has friends outside the Bachelor universe, as difficult a concept as that may be for Harrison to fathom.

A gleeful Nick steps off backstage, where at some point Rachel chases him down to berate him and remind him that they had a conversation about this. Nick is basically like, "We sure did!" Outside, Ed and Jaclyn are talking about how they feel so bad for Rachel. Backstage, Rachel is yelling for Nick is get his "fucking pathetic ass" out here. And eventually when he does, she says she wants to hear why he made the decision he did. Jesus, he spent the last twenty minutes doing nothing but explaining it!

She accuses him of being heartless. "I don't owe this to anybody. You weren't on board to be my partner," he says. Apparently they agreed a couple of days ago to share the money. She yells at him, calling him pathetic, because there's nothing more noble than chasing backstage after someone who bested you in a stupid reality show and yelling at him (although I assume she was goaded into doing so by a producer). His parting words are "I played this game brilliantly" and then he's off in a limo, all "BP3, anything goes!" and laughing to himself, Rachel sniffling alone backstage in the dark, tinkling piano of doom playing out.

And you know why the audience cheered? Because Nick was right. Because all the decrying of lying and betrayal on this show and others (like Survivor, for example) is such patent nonsense. Why on earth did Jaclyn feel Rachel should have taken her to the final? So Rachel could either a) BEAT HER THERE or b) lose to her?

Happily, the credits are a montage of people talking about how Nick isn't very smart, doesn't play the game well and doesn't deserve to be there. Oh, Jaclyn. If "deserve" played into it, pretty much all of you would be in jail for the murder of brain cells. Instead you just went on television for a while. I suppose I could go back and count all the times I made an "I don't know who that is" joke in regards to Nick, but ... nah.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. This may be his favorite season finale since the last episode of Six Feet Under. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.