Deus Ex Bachelor Pad

S03E05

This date also has keys -- Tony tosses them to Kalon to see if they're for a helicopter -- that turn out to be for a jeep waiting for them outside. While Sarah finds mean-spirited satisfaction out of the fact that Lindzi got jewelry for a date in a Bentley with a millionaire, Blakeley only gets a map and a Jeep on a date with a lumber salesman. Erica, however, figures the Jeep is right up Blakeley's alley, since she's so trashy what with the tattoos and the Hooters job and all. Well, not everyone can pay for breast implants and a socialite's life with a parental allowance, Erica.

So off Tony and Blakeley go on the date, which turns out to be at an Airstream trailer (complete with pink flamingos). Blakeley's good-sport façade is cracking, because she gave up a jewelry-Bentley date for this, and she doesn't like bugs and coyotes and "wood badger monsters." That is a thing she just said: "Wood badger monsters."

Back at the house, Chris has got his Machiavelli Hoodie on as he tries to re-form an alliance with Ed. He's trying to sell Ed on the merits of voting of Lindzi to try to get under Kalon's skin. Ed's intrigued, because he doesn't trust Kalon at all.

Under the stars at the Airstream Of Love, Blakeley seems to making the best of it. "You really make me feel really comfortable," Blakeley tells Tony, adding that she's relieved for not being Chris's partner anymore.

And then she rambles on about how withdrawn she can be at first, because she's been cheated on and left and whatever. Tony says she's been with the wrong dudes, and he's confident he will find the one person he's meant to be with.

Back at the house, Michael and Rachel aren't letting the fact they haven't won a challenge in a while prevent them from making their own date time at the Pad. Things seem to have really settled down at the house. It could be that there are simply fewer people there, and it could also be that they drank all the alcohol and there's none left, which could also explain why Ed is on edge.

Anyway, Michael, Rachel, falling in love with each other, like anyone watching this show is actually invested in whether anyone falls in love.

And back on Trailer Trashy: The Date, Tony turns the radio on in the Jeep, and wouldn't you know it but there is some awful song about how "love, it don't come easy" and if that sounds horrifyingly familiar it's because it's by that Wes guy who decided to be on The Bachelorette to further his musical career, and the fact he apparently has one is just one of the crimes The Bachelor franchise will have to answer for someday. Anyway, Blakeley and Tony dance and kiss, and Blakeley seems more surprised than anyone to find herself digging Tony.

So the players have to carry cups and saucers between tables, adding one each time, and the first one to successfully carry six cups and saucers is the winner. I'm not sure how long ago the Hot Sludge Fundae was, but it's not so long ago that Jaclyn should be unable to remember it and call it "Sludge Dude Judgment Day." Can't wait until she complains that an activity that requires the use of a brain means anyone who has one has an unfair advantage. Meanwhile, Erica whines that they haven't had any activity that would utilize her skills, like maybe there will be a "Whose Mouth Moves The Least When She Talks" competition that she can kick ass in.

OH MY GOD HOW LONG CAN YOU SHOW PEOPLE CARRYING CUPS AND SAUCERS. It takes FOREVER, and eventually comes down to Blakeley versus Sarah, but Sarah cheats by touching her stack on the home stretch and getting disqualified. "Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel," she says, with absolutely zero trace of irony. So Blakeley wins. Chris thinks this is the worst thing that could have happened to him, so let's all take a moment to feel sorry for Chris.

Sarah now hopes Chris wins so he can take her on a date, save her, which would not only keep her in the house but would also stick it to Blakeley. Real nice of Sarah to want to stick it to Blakeley, who deserves it because she ... happened to trust Chris early? Nice, Sarah.

Both Chris and Sarah are also pissed about Blakeley coaching Tony. "She's over the top and can't keep her mouth shut ever," says Chris, with complete un-self-awareness. Although I'd like to point out that Blakeley's "coaching" seems to consist entirely of saying "Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!" over and over again, which is genius strategy right there. Tony wisely heeds her advice to keep going, and winds up winning, so he and Blakeley will each get to pick someone for a one-on-one date.

So this episode has been non-stop Chris moaning about how things could not be going worse, and that's happening again. Fortunately Chris Harrison comes in (which is a weird thing to type) to find out who Blakeley's taking on a date. She picks Tony, but since Tony already has a rose, she gets to pick someone else to give a rose to. She picks Kalon, so that becomes the new "worst possible thing" to happen to him.

Then Harrison announces Blakeley can choose which date -- No. 1, not overnight, and No. 2, overnight -- and she picks the second one because she figures "overnight" means Vegas and jets and whatnot, even though the dates on Bachelor Pad have been pretty damn low-rent so far.

So then the date package arrives for Kalon, and it's got a diamond-and-sapphire bracelet and diamond earrings for Lindzi (whom Kalon picks to accompany him) and a Bentley key for him. Blakeley says she's pretty jealous, but kept smiling to pretend she wasn't, even though we see her lose her shit and say "Really? Really?" in front of everybody.

Still, she figures if that's what the non-overnight date gets, the overnight one must be amazing.

So we get all the fun of watching Kalon and Lindzi driving and listening to the pre-programmed GPS leading them to their destination, which turns out to be a bridge that's been blocked off and set up for a romantic dinner, complete with a chandelier, and I guess this kicks off the Kalon character rehabilitation and we're supposed to care that he's happy he and Lindzi have found each other. "Finding you is the most pleasant surprise I could ever have dreamed of," he tells her. And he is "possibly, maybe, potentially, perhaps" in love with Lindzi, instead of forcing it like he had to with Emily, like how romantic to tell Lindzi that he had to "force it" when he was dating another woman on his reality show. Lindzi also likes Kalon, and maybe Lindzi should be checked for some sort of traumatic brain injury that scrambled her senses.

Back at the house, Chris is whining about how everyone doesn't see how awesome he is, and scenes with Kalon and Lindzi cuddling and kissing are intercut with Chris deciding to target Lindzi as "payback" for Kalon. Guess it didn't take long for him to start thinking of himself as some kind of manipulative mastermind again.

Tony's getting ready for his date, and seems to mistakenly think Blakeley's anger at Chris and her choosing of the overnight date means she's totally into Tony. He says she's easily the hottest woman in the house by far, and he thinks they've been growing closer.

The date card arrives, and I'm somewhat confused by the fact that Blakeley chose Tony and now he has to pick Blakeley again to come on the date with him? Are they going to go on two dates?

Anyway, Michael, Rachel, falling in love with each other, like anyone watching this show is actually invested in whether anyone falls in love.

Everyone's making out and snuggling! Well, except for Jaclyn and Ed. Ed seems to be passed out face-down on the couch.

Blakeley and Tony return the morning, and regale everyone with their rustic tales of grillin' up vittles. Sarah asks, "Did you make whoopee?" like WHO EVER SAYS "MAKE WHOOPEE" and Chris is mocking Tony (not to his face) about being brainwashed already by Blakeley.

Chris obviously has to treat Tony with kid gloves, since he wants Tony's spare immunity rose to go to Sarah. He seems receptive, but then he goes to Blakeley for advice. And when it comes time to hand out the rose, Chris interrupts to ask to speak to Tony outside, where he makes a last-ditch speech about how he's doing this all for Sarah, and then Tony goes ahead and gives the rose to Jaclyn, earning a wink and a nod from Blakeley, who then speaks appreciatively about what a loyal and good person Tony is: "He's a domesticated man," she tells us. She may even have some Tony Treats for him for performing so well!

Everyone's in their cocktail party finery, starting to jockey around who's voting for whom. Harrison comes in to talk about the couples that have started to firm up, well, for everyone except for Jaclyn and Ed, who speaks at length about how he promised himself he wasn't going to be getting romantically involved here. This despite the fact that they've been sharing a bed every night. Jaclyn can't hide the hurt on her face, and I'm not sure I can blame her.

And then Harrison throws in this little monkey wrench: Everyone's voting for a woman tonight, and the woman who receives the most votes will pick the man who accompanies her out of the house. So if everyone picks Sarah, she's not likely to eliminate Chris.

Michael, feeling dirty, hopes that if they go for Erica, she'll take Chris home. And to help cement that, he wants to plant the seed in Erica's mind that Chris is the one trying to get her voted off.

Ugh, let's check in with Ed and Jaclyn for a painful conversation about how Ed's not into Jaclyn. She starts crying, telling Ed she felt used, adding that she wouldn't be doing what they're doing if she didn't have some feelings for him. Ed, after trying to justify his behavior, finally apologizes.

Back from commercial (after the rules get explained to us again), Michael explains AGAIN their plot. They desperately need Erica to think Michael and Rachel voted for Lindzi, not her. In a conversation with Jaclyn, Erica finds out Chris is voting for her. She goes to confront him about it, and he tries to stick with the story that he's voting for Lindzi, because he's too dumb not to realize what an implausible cover story that is. But not even Chris is too dumb to know it's not in his interest for Erica to know he's voting for her. She warns him that if she's leaving, he's not safe. Then, after finding out from a couple more people (Michael and Ed) that Chris is targeting her, she ups the ante but telling Chris that if she goes home, she's definitely taking him with her.

She has a heated conversation with Sarah (and we have the benefit of knowing Sarah is lying) and they decide they're not fucking friends at all.

Chris seems to have forgiven Kalon enough to sit and wonder how this is all going down, and how to convince Erica that he's not voting for her. Kalon suggests taking Erica into the voting booth with him, and Chris laughs, before going, "Heyyyyy..."

And that's what he does (telling Erica they're making "Bachelor Pad history" like that is even a thing). So now Erica is mad that Michael lied to her, and Michael's foolproof plan is falling apart. She has now upped her threat response, telling the contestants that if she goes home, she's taking the whole house with her. She's going to torch the place!

Everyone gathers for the Rose Ceremony, everyone feeling uneasy, and not the unsettlement that most sane viewers have every single moment watching this show. Rachel says if the woman who leaves takes Michael with her, she won't speak to them ever again. (But naturally it's fine for Michael to try to orchestrate someone else's ouster.) Erica tells us she's livid. It's always best that Erica tell us what emotions she's feeling, since her expression never changes and she speaks like she's just been chloroformed.

So: Blakeley, Tony, Jaclyn and Kalon are safe. So who are the women who are staying? Sarah and Rachel, not a surprise. It's down to Erica and Lindzi for the final rose, and it goes to Lindzi.

Erica's going home (Kalon does the creepy smile thing he does that makes him look like a pervert). Harrison tells Erica to take a moment to decide who she's taking with her, and Erica takes all of a half-second before laying waste to Michael, decrying him for not being a true friend. Rachel wipes away a tear, and Jaclyn and Blakeley look gutted too.

"Hopefully this will make the house a lot more fair," Erica says. Rachel tells Michael she doesn't want to continue, so I guess her backbone got voted out too. Michael encourages her to stick it out. Rachel accuses Erica of stabbing them in the back even though they were totally honest with her. But ... you weren't? So why do this now? "It doesn't matter! He's a manipulator! And the little puppet master lost at his own game!" she yells at everybody.

Erica continues for some time, calling Michael a crappy person and saying the best thing Holly ever did was dump him and marry Blake, because that means she's with a real man. I don't know who those people are. "You're a bad friend and a bad person, and I'm so happy I'm taking you away with me. I could not be happier that I'm serving justice, and this is karma."

By this point, people have started to outright laugh at how awesome Erica thinks she is, so it's time to say their goodbyes. Michael hugs Rachel, who then collapses into the arms of her remaining friends and we hope she'll find the strength to continue.

I really feel they missed an opportunity by not forcing Michael and Erica to share a limousine out! Anyway, Michael seems to have a hard time believing that he got taken out by Erica, while Erica seems to equate what she did with toppling Saddam Hussein.

"I feel really lost right now," says Rachel. God, buck UP, Rachel. "I don't know how I'm going to do this without him." Oh, stop TALKING, Rachel. We're all sad to see Michael go too, but the rest of us aren't competing for a share of a quarter-million dollars.

Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Well, if Michael had to go, at least Erica is also gone. For the greater good. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.