The aftermath of Reid and Donna going home seems to have thrown the survivors for a bit of loop. Ed in particular speaks of his still being there as though he survived a heart attack and every day above ground is gift. Jaclyn's thrilled that Reid was vanquished. She thinks he's sooo stupid that she calls him "Like, Dummy McDumberstein," like she's going to be hosting a Mensa meeting any day now.
And David is the last fan left. He discusses with Jamie who "went rogue" to vote Donna off, but Jamie's playing her cards close to the chest, because there's no one here she can trust. Dave offers to save her if he wins a challenge, and he hopes she'll do the same thing. She's noncommittal at best.
Harrison walks in to talk to everyone (Jaclyn helpfully explains to us that HARRISON WALKS IN TO TALK TO EVERYONE AFTER WE SEE IT, like is there any goddamn reason in the world for this show to be two fucking hours like SPEED IT UP PLEASE). Harrison reminds them that there are still fourteen of them left in this affront to human dignity we know as Bachelor Pad.
One of Harrison's minions walks in with some surveys for them to answer. Jaclyn, being some sort of super-genius, figures they'll have something to do with the challenge tomorrow. The questions are "Who's the ugliest?" "Who's the fattest?" and other such questions, the answers to which contestants are all too happy to volunteer during talking-head interviews, but balk at when it requires to WRITE THEM DOWN, like maybe this should be called Illiterate Pad. "What kind of sick joke is this?" says someone. That really should be the show's slogan.
After the commercial break, it's the day and we get some ersatz game show music while the contestants file outside to the crappy "GAMESHOW MASHUP" set, which looks like it was designed by the person who got the worst score at a seventh-grade science fair.
Michael figures this is about to get emotional, and he's seen this happen before. Translation: People are going to get pissed off very, very quickly.
The women head to their buzzers first and are quick to answer questions about Rihanna and various iterations of The Bachelor franchise. Sarah quickly jumps to a big lead, and Blakeley takes cranky note of the fact that her supposed partner Chris is cheering just a little too loudly for Sarah. This might be example No. 546 of Chris being a terrible human being.
And now the scores can really change in the "Who Said That?" round! Jaclyn says she "peed herself" when she heard the name of the round. The first question: Who said, "The person in the house that has accomplished the most in life is me. I'm amazing." Everyone but Rachel guesses Ed (she guesses Kalon), so everyone but Rachel is wrong. (Although I'm willing to bet Kalon said it too.)
Who said, "Other than to win the money, Ed is on the show because he doesn't want to be forgotten, since his season was twenty years ago." Turns out it was Chris. Ed defends himself by pointing out that Michael was also on that season, and I hate to tell him that, "This guy is old too!" isn't exactly a denial.
Who said the bachelorette that has accomplished the least is Blakeley? That would be Nick. I don't know who that is. Important to note, I think, that Blakeley guessed Chris. Jaclyn has jumped out into the lead, and Sarah finds it "ironic" that she is in competition with the one woman in the house who is always competing with her. Jesus, that's not even like Alanis Morissette-esque misuse of irony, but the completely OPPOSITE meaning.
Who said the person in the house who would make the worst parent is Erica, because she eats her hair? "Did someone really say that?" asks Erica, who eats her hair in response. I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in the opinion of someone who has surveyed the character deficiencies of this lot and concluded that the worst thing any of them can do is eat their hair, but at any rate, it was Kalon. Good to see he's learned his lesson about making comments about parents and kids.
Anyway, Sarah is back on top of this shit show. Final question is some ridiculous thing about how the first thought he had when he saw the women in their rhythmic gymnastics outfits was "sexy thoughts." The correct answer is David, and Jaclyn gets it right, which may or may not be ironic, but we won't know if Sarah doesn't tell us. But it gives Jaclyn the win.
And now it's the guys' turn. Ed decides that his "losing every challenge" strategy isn't paying off like he'd hoped, so he decides to try to win this one, and he correctly identifies how many people make up a ménage a trios. And then maybe the score clocks went out? Because we don't get to see any scores any more.
Anyway, who said the number of guys she's slept with is "Eleven, no, twelve, no, nine"? Turns out it was Blakeley, who says lied. Since you kinda figure "nine" would make her the prude of the house, I do believe her. And then Harrison asks a question about "making whoopee" and it turns out Sarah fucked a guy on top of a car in a public parking lot, and big surprise that Ed knows about it. Who said she would rather sleep with Chris instead of her current partner because he's so hot? Surprise, surprise, Jamie. Blakeley makes a "who farted?" face. Jamie is also the one who said Jaclyn is the most fake. Jamie tries to save face by telling Jaclyn that they'll take about why she said that. Then it's, who said Jamie is the most annoying? Jamie jovially tells Jaclyn that she hopes it was her, but of course it was Blakeley.
So now we're finished with the questions, and you notice that the questions were shitty and awkward for the women when both the women and men were being asked them, and you get kind of depressed all over again about how awful this show is. Anyway, Ed and Jaclyn "won," but I don't know that "won" is exactly the right word. Meanwhile, David and Rachel lost (more than everyone else did).
Jamie is in tears in a talking-head because there's a target on her back now because she was so honest. She confides in David, and then Kalon, who displays his usual winning personality and compares her to a dog whose head you pet before you put it down.
Meanwhile, Blakeley confronts Chris about cheering for Sarah, and Chris complains that this is like junior high, although it's worth pointing out that he is horndogging after and cheering for pretty much any woman but his own partner. I mean, Blakeley may be annoying, but that doesn't mean she's wrong.
So there is some pre-date maneuvering going on, and Sarah is saying stuff, but who can be bothered to listen? Sarah gets annoyed when Jaclyn chooses Ed, and says Jaclyn is confusing having a partner on the show with having a life partner. That is way more pathetic, Sarah seems to want to believe, than believing you've got dibs on someone by sleeping with him a full day earlier than Jaclyn did, or something. Jaclyn says he's her partner and she likes him.
And now we get to defile Dodger Stadium by watching Ed and Jaclyn running across the field and butchering "The Star-Spangled Banner." I'm not even American, and it offended me. Then they play slo-pitch and Jaclyn manages to pop the ball into the outfield, and she talks to us about how cute and sensitive Ed is. "Who doesn't have a crush on Ed?" she asks us. Maybe anyone with a maturity level beyond someone whose main criterion for a boyfriend is that he has a car?
And Sarah is STILL ranting about Jaclyn trying to claim Ed. Hey, at least she didn't sleep with him and then try to vote him out, HEY, SARAH? Anyway, Ed and Jaclyn scarf down some Dodger Dogs while we find out that Jaclyn is supposed to give out a rose to some other guy when she gets back to the Pad, since Ed's already safe and all. This seems to be some sort of gasp-inducing monkey wrench for some reason.
Back at house, Chris, who is getting beyond tiresome, tells us that Blakeley's really getting on his nerves. I'm trying to figure out some scenario in which anyone watching this isn't sympathizing with Blakeley, who is commiserating with Rachel in the hot tub.
Chris tells us how sneaky he is. He really has an inflated sense of his own scampiness, doesn't he? Apparently he wants to hook up with someone else without Blakeley finding out? Or something? Ugh, who has the energy.
And we're back on the date, with Ed and Jaclyn eating the same hotdog from opposite ends, so when a moment later Jaclyn starts saying she and Ed are the "power players" in the house, my eye-rolling was severe.
Anyway, they're strategizing over who to give the rose to. Ed wants to give it to Chris, because he trusts Chris. Good call, since Chris is a non-stop object lesson in trustworthiness. Jaclyn's not such a dingbat that she can't see what waste of skin Chris is.
Speaking of which, here's Chris talking about how he really doesn't like Jamie at all, apart from her boobs. Jamie's boobs and annoyingness are on display as she twirls, bikini-clad, in the kitchen, but this is still more of Chris needing to get over himself. And then he winds up cuddling with Chris in bed. "Am I really in this gorgeous, wonderful man's arms?" Jamie asks us. Well, no. You're CLEARLY with Chris, and we don't know who YOU'RE talking about.
I kinda wish I could be there when Jamie sees the part where Chris says she talks so damn much that the only way to shut her up is to kiss her (but there's no SPARK there, he says). Jamie expresses a brief moment of doubt (because on the one hand Chris is a raging asshole) but then goes gooey at his big arms wrapped around her and his body pressed up against her. If you weren't too busy retching, you then heard Jamie say, "I can walk into a room and be like 'That's my man,'" she says. Well, we hope he gives you his football jacket and takes you to prom, Jamie. Christ! Still, I prefer Jamie's sincere stupidity to Chris's calculated minor-assholery.
Anyway, at some point the earth spins some more and it's the day, and Jaclyn announce that they have a rose (and therefore a date) to give out, and she awards the rose to Chris for saving her last week. That unfortunately means he's sticking around for another week.
His date card arrives, and it says something about "action" and then he napalms both Jamie and Blakeley by picking Sarah for the date. Probably hoping they're going somewhere with a parking lot! Chris tells us he'll have a million times more fun with Jamie or Blakeley. Speaking of which, Blakeley accosts him on his way out, and he's all, "Ugh, god" when he realizes she wants to talk. Then when she wants him to promise he'll stay her partner, he tells her he can't make her that promise right now.
Elsewhere, Jamie is boring Kalon to death over it, and then she sees Blakeley breaking down in tears over not going on the date with Chris. Jamie goes to talk to Chris, and her spine completely disappears when she swallows his bullshit story about how he'd like to take her on the date but couldn't, because that would cause problems between Jamie and Blakeley. "It's such a good feeling to know that you're being protected by someone," she tells us. Her little pea brain equates Chris's spurning both his partner and his side-partner as "loyalty" somehow.
Chris manages to get ready for his date without being murdered. "It was hurtful, because I felt like I was betrayed," says Blakeley, who wonders if Chris is thinking with his other head. In the car ride to their date, Sarah wonders if she's now part of a love square. She also thinks there could be a romantic spark between her and Chris. I can see why she'd be interested in him. I mean, if she wants to constantly be wondering if he's going to cheat on her.
So their limo driver stops, wordlessly, in a parking garage. They sit there for a moment and wonder what's going on -- Sarah manages to keep her clothes on -- and then suddenly the driver peels out and screeches through the parking garage and outside through some boxes.
So their date is, of course, one of those learn-how-to-be-action-stars dates, where they stare at each other and work on choreographed fight scenes. There's a pseudo-plot about Chris being a hostage who needs rescuing, and then the two of them kiss, and this movie is even worse than The Expendables.
Back at the house, Harrison comes in with a rose for Ed to give out. Ed gets to give it out, not Chris, because Ed won the challenge. Blakeley immediately starts desperation-flirting with him. Meanwhile, on the date, Chris gets to say, without any need to be called on his bullshit, that if he had a rose he'd give it to her. Then she makes a "rose" with a strawberry and a fork, and he gives it her, and she sadly tells us it's a symbol of what a great partner he is and how loyal he is, and maybe when she gets back to the house she and Jamie can find a dictionary and look up the word "loyalty" in it, because they're in for a surprise.
Back at the house, all the contestants are hanging out, waiting to find out who Ed's going to choose for the rose. Ed, saying he's basing it on trust and friendships, gives it to Rachel. Blakeley makes a sad face, and has to listen to Jaclyn claim it was her decision for Ed to give Rachel the rose.
Meanwhile, Chris and Sarah are making out in a hot tub while Sarah tells us the chemistry between them is very sexual and hot. If they could be bothered to put the champagne glasses down to kiss, I might believe them.
Jamie tells us she wants to break up Blakeley and Chris, and then seems surprised when Blakeley sees right through her friendly overtures and blasts her and gives her the impression she's not at all interested in Chris romantically. That's just fine with Jamie, who can't wait for Chris to finish jamming his tongue down Sarah's throat and come home.
Not that she knows about the tongue-jamming, of course. Nor does she know that Chris is telling Sarah that he doesn't want to go back to the Pad, and instead suggests they get a room. Sarah accepts, and the two of them stroll, in bathrobes, to the front desk and make it happen.
"The best thing I have done is traded in Blakeley and Jamie for Sarah," Chris tells us. It's like buying a new car. You got the nice, new car smell, and it's just so much smoother and nicer and easier for me."
The scenes of Sarah and Chris strolling down to their Hotel Room O' Sin and Partner-Betrayal are cruelly juxtaposed with Jamie talking about how much she needs Chris and wants to be his partner and wants to make him happy. She uses the words "loyal" and "respectful" and "trust" and "rely" and it's all too sad for words. I mean, even for this show.
Morning arrives. Rachel, David and Blakeley in the kitchen discussing how Chris and Sarah didn't come home last night. Blakeley says he pretty much demonstrated his character, and I hate to tell Blakeley that he has not STOPPED behaving like a perfect arse since the show began.
Sarah and Chris stroll in, sort of chuckling to themselves (for everyone's benefit) about what a crazy night they had. Jamie's got a half-smile on her face, and tells us how painful it is that Chris didn't come home but didn't have any explanation for her. Well, maybe you and Blakeley can compare notes?
And now everyone is dressed in their finery, and Harrison strolls in to announce that it's cocktail party time. Sarah gives him the recap of what happened over the past hour and a half, like we and Harrison don't know.
Let the machinations begin! David, having a vote against him, starts working the women, starting with Jaclyn, who suggests he try to arrange Nick's ouster. "Nick"? I don't know who that is. He goes to Blakeley, and then Jamie. And then Michael. Meanwhile, Erica reminds us that David is a fan and therefore scum. We see her, Lindzi and Rachel vote for him. So David needs all the other women to vote for someone else (Nick -- I don't know who that is) and then for Jaclyn to come through on her promise, as challenge-winning tiebreaker, to keep David.
Speaking of this Nick guy, he gets more screen time than he has thus far, as he pledges to Jamie that he'll vote for Blakeley as long as she votes for David. She agrees to the deal, so if she goes through with it, that would be five votes in total for David.
David makes the same vote-for-vote deal that Nick made. She agrees, and actually follows through with voting for Nick's ejection.
So we know it's going to be Blakeley or Jamie, and Nick or David, AND THERE ARE TWENTY-TWO MINUTES LEFT. That's two episodes of Frisky Dingo! So what are we filling this time with? Well, Chris is patting himself on the back for arranging Blakeley to go home, at least until Michael comes up to say he doesn't think he can vote for Blakeley. Michael goes back to the alliance, where everyone is outraged at the gall of Chris trying to engineer the voting-out of one of their own! Michael, displaying a shocking (for this house) understanding of the way past deeds predict future patterns, figures that Chris could come after any one of them .
Chris continues to display unshakeable confidence in his own strategic brilliance. "Nice knowing ya, Blakeley?" he says. Ed, who genuinely likes Chris, decides to tell Chris that he's concerned about the way everyone in the house is starting to think he's a major asshole. Ed gets confused, because Kalon told Ed he'd vote for Jamie, but Chris tells Ed that Kalon told him he'd vote for Blakeley.
Still with me so far? Then Ed, Chris and Kalon meet and all apparently agree to vote for Blakeley. "I have a plan to win this thing, and they should all listen to me if they want a chance at winning," Chris tells us. Yeah, everyone should follow your plan to have you win? Chris, are you even listening to the words you're saying?
So who does Kalon vote for? Jamie. Meanwhile, Ed's confused. For some reason. "Either we need to cut this Chris thing off now, or jeopardize a relationship with someone who's already won this thing," he says. Seems to me like one is a positive thing and the other's a negative thing, so I'd think it would be easy. But hey, we need some tension to go out on, right? I mean, never mind the downside of constantly showing the same clips over and over again means most of us have said, "Wait, we still haven't seen Blakeley wail about how she's broke and needs the money!" and have figured out she's not going home.
Everyone assembles for the Rose Ceremony, with Blakeley cheering me up immensely by promising to "donkey-punch" Chris in the throat if she's still here tomorrow.
So! Sarah. Kalon. Lindzi. Michael. Erica. Tony.
One rose left for a woman, one for a man. Chris smirks. Nick's name is called first, and then Chris stops smiling when Blakeley's name is called. "My two best friends in the house lied to me," Chris whines. This may be my favorite aspect to shows like these: when a liar whines about being lied to. The lack of self-awareness is always deeply satisfying for me. "Now it's like, I don't trust anybody," he says. Blakeley, meanwhile, is cheered by what she sees as a vote of confidence from the alliance for her over Chris.
Oh, but Jamie's got something to say to Chris, that he's sleazy and he's going to regret his actions. It's especially galling to him to be called out like this, since he tried to have Jamie kept tonight, so he dismisses her with an "On your way." Michael tells us Chris is in trouble, and if he doesn't win week's challenge, he'll be going home.
David, being a fan, almost seems honored to be making the same exit he's seen a hundred others make. He wouldn't change a moment of it. "I really did not deserve this experience, and I got to have it," he says, and he chokes up, and it's weird because it appears he's crying tears of gratitude for having had the chance to share the rarefied air of the others.
Jamie says she got used, and she thought she had a good chance at winning. Eventually, she hangs her head, and you know that's when the tears come.
Back at the house, Blakeley leads the survivors' toast. Chris can't be-LIEVE she survived his fiendishly clever assassination attempt. She's a ticking time bomb, he figures. As opposed to Chris, who is so emotionally balanced and secure, I imagine.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He thinks David is wrong: Whoever goes on Bachelor Pad gets exactly what he deserves. (Except when they get money.) Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.