Reid's worried that his failed power play may come back to haunt him. As usual, the machinations in this franchise are discussed in the hushed, solemn tones reserved for funeral services, which is all the more ridiculous when you realize the big tragedy is that Sarah regrets voting for Ed after fucking him. Reid talks to Donna about how screwed he is, but since she's not exactly a tactical genius I'm just going to assume he was blabbing at her because she was sitting down and he was standing up and could easily see down her dress.
Meanwhile, Ed is shocked that people are "flat-out lying" and he doesn't think he can compete, and I'd argue that his raging alcoholism is a bigger detriment to his being able to do anything, and he's so desperate that he's talking to Jaclyn for advice. She is his partner, I realize, but that was because, you'll remember, that no one else wanted her so she got saddled with the guy who drank ALL THE CHAMPAGNE the very first night.
At some point, I guess the day, Harrison strolls in to tell them that the competition isn't at the mansion, which makes some of the idiots clap for some reason. Some sort of flatbed truck picks them up and we get to watch thrilling overhead shots of the truck driving while we listen to some of the contestants theorize about who's going home .
Anyway, the competition is an obstacle course, but it's not even a good obstacle course like you might find on Wipeout, but a totally half-assed version that therefore suits this show really well.
Harrison calls it "Hot Sludge Fundae," where they'll all be covered in the ingredients for a hot fudge sundae. Chris figures they'll do well, and his reasoning is that Blakeley is athletic, even though she's crazy.
So there's a vat of ice cream, a chocolate slide, a pile of whipped cream, bowls of nuts. And then Harrison is all, "Hey, you know how you have partners? Well, don't forget we make up the rules as we go along, so every dude step to your left behind a new woman, and that's your new partner." Jamie's not impressed at being stuck with Ed, but Ed's gotta be happy when Jamie leads the women early while his former partner Jaclyn is way behind.
The women tag off with the men, and Michael -- who is now Sarah's partner in this challenge -- is neck and neck with David, Ed having predictably squandered Jamie's huge lead. This is significant, because as usual, last place gets an automatic vote against them as well as last crack at the penicillin cabinet for the week. Ed slips up climbing up the chocolate slide, and doesn't even finish the course, letting Chris make up for Jaclyn's horrible performance. Ed calls losing at a hot fudge sundae obstacle course the "worst thing that's ever happened" to him, like LET US KNOW WHEN WE SHOULD START FEELING SORRY FOR YOU, ED.
Anyway, David is the winner, beating Michael by a second, so he's safe (along with Rachel). The always-opportunistic Blakeley immediately starts campaigning for a spot on the reward date, reminding him (and us) that she picked him for a date last week, which she tries to pretend was a big magnanimous gesture as opposed to a gamble that she hoped would pay off just as it is now.
The date card arrives: "This is a night to remember. Choose the three women you'll never forget," reads David. He picks Blakeley, acknowledging her selection of him for a date last week. Then he picks Erica R. You might remember that Erica R. has been the most vocal in her opposition to fans being part of this competition? Well, surprise, surprise, she seems to be all turned around on the subject, and says David has gotten smarter since he started the competition. David also picks Jamie, and Chris could not be happier about that. With Blakeley and Jamie out of the house, he's free to piss off EVEN MORE women!
So the date is this fucked-up prom nightmare, in a ballroom replete with dance floor, photo area. The women select from a rack of dresses, with Blakeley wondering if David is more of a boob or a butt guy. Considering that the chests of Erica and Blakeley clearly cost more than my first car, they'd better hope he's not a butt guy. The women manage to display less maturity than high school students while they get dressed, David standing around on the dance floor waiting. Just the usual "I'm not going to be a bitch, I don't know about you" bullshit. Blakeley's not there for love or for friends, clearly.
Meanwhile, Reid has decided that he'll keep messing with Ed to keep him off balance. Messing with Ed's head isn't exactly a Mensa-level challenge, and you do feel kind of bad for him when he tells us that Reid is one of his friends in the house, although that interview could have been shot at ANY time, like before the competition actually started. Regardless, Reid acting like he's some kind of stone-cold Machiavelli is a bit much. Putting one over on the likes of Ed and Chris isn't going to qualify him for evil-genius status any time soon.
Then "prom" starts up, and the less said about it the better. There is awkward dancing, awkward photography, and a forgettable new-country band warbling away on the stage. Blakeley and Erica look perturbed that David is "kissing on" Jamie, according to Blakeley.
Back at the house, everyone else is getting drunk, so now it's Ed's time to shine. He staggers off to bed with Jaclyn on his back, and talks about how he's not wearing underwear, and then fills the house with his animal shouts, ending with, "What was your name again?" If Chris got up to any of his promised high jinx, we don't get to see them.
At the prom, Jamie lays out the sob story for David about how she didn't go to prom because it was around that time in her life that her mom started disappearing for a weekend at a time. Either David is rather incurious or already knows a fuller story, because he doesn't ask for any explanation, but he clearly feels he should give the rose to Jamie, what with her already having one vote against her.
This pisses Blakeley off, who seems to equate her having picked David for a date last week with him OWING her a rose this week (even though you'll recall she didn't give him one), and strongly suggests to him that he give it to her, trying to convince him both by implying she's in grave danger of being kicked off and also by appealing to his sense of duty.
He looks like he's genuinely afraid of Blakeley, but when a card at prom instructs him to pick his single prom date, he chooses Jamie, and sends Erica and Blakeley home in the limo. Blakeley threatens (not to his face) to go back to her alliance, and David had better HOPE he wins every challenge from here on out.
The day, it's Rachel's turn to read a date card: "Choose three guys to get famous..." She reads. She picks Nick. I don't know who that is. Also, Tony. I don't know who that is. And then Michael. He tells us he's excited, and says meeting someone like Rachel is the reason he came back to Bachelor Pad. Chris is, happily, rather disbelieving that Rachel managed to resist the Awesomeness That Is Chris.
So the date is to Madame Tussaud's wax museum, and Tony can't believe that he, just a regular guy from Oregon, is suddenly surrounded by all these celebrities, which makes me feel sad about Oregonians' ability to distinguish motionless wax statues from actual people. There's a section called "The Bachelor Experience" that features Chris Harrison. We're supposed to think it's a wax statue, which is why it's unfortunate that we see his hands in different positions in different shots. He gives the daters a good scare, though, and then tells him that they too are about to get up to all kinds of wacky hidden camera pranks after they get made up to look like statues too.
Back at the house, Jamie has decided to show Chris that she knows how to please a man, which ought to be rather instructive for the hypothetical kids she plans to have, since she says she wants to be able to show her kids (and all of America) how she fell in love. So she goes to Chris to offer himself up to him, and it turns out that what would really please Chris is if she leaves him the fuck alone. Just to be the biggest douche possible, he gives her a "It's not you, it's me" excuse, and she gives him a feeble tongue-lashing before slinking off to cry in her own bed, and I have to say there's much less dignity in it when you have to climb up to the top of a bunkbed like an eleven-year-old, Jesus.
The daters are getting made up to look even more like statues than they already are, getting ready to scare the daylights out of some Bachelor fans. I think that's sad, given how empty their lives must be already.
Some of the fans are more easily fooled than others. There is discussion of the hotness of Michael and Rachel (who genuinely seem to be digging each other), but poor Tony gets a "who?" when the in-on-it photographer asks a fan what she thinks of Tony. When she's reminded who he is, she says he was OK, and asks what the "nicer word for pathetic" is. If anyone has any idea who Nick is, we don't get to see it.
In an utter non-surprise, Rachel gives Michael the rose, which Tony calls an utter mistake. Why that is, I'm not sure, but it may just be because he'd rather be making out with Rachel than riding home in the limo with "Mr. Protein Powder." Who? Oh, Nick. I still don't know who Nick is.
Rachel and Michael cuddle somewhere where there are kegs and wagon wheels, so I'm not sure what's going on. Oh, good, we're getting that patented Bachelor-franchise small talk about becoming attracted to each other. "I like you, Rachel. I'm not going anywhere," Michael tells Rachel. Rachel tells us she doesn't want to be heartbroken again. She wishes she could be less pessimistic about it, not that her pessimism prevents her from making out with Michael.
So this means we have what, forty-five minutes of Rose Ceremony wrangling to "enjoy"? Please excuse me while I just throw myself down the stairs. Sarah reveals to Ed that Reid was behind his attempted ouster last week (and a new ouster attempt this week). Almost sweetly, Ed doesn't believe her: "Are you sure about that?" he asks. He feels betrayed. "I completely trusted him, and it's emotional for me. I believed he was here to support me, and the fact he stabbed me in the back..." Ed tells us. Well, two things: First is that Reid is here to win money, just like you are, Ed. Second: Is it only now occurring to Ed that Reid might want revenge for the Jillian thing (which I don't even remember, because of my brain's defense mechanisms)?
So later Ed confronts Reid about it, and you can tell Ed is serious about things because a) he is (mostly) sober and b) he's so mad that he wants to banish Reid from the hot tub, because I guess this is where Ed makes his important decisions. For Ed, the hot tub is like the office where Don Corleone receives visitors and hears requests on his daughter's wedding day.
Good lord, this is tedious. We get the two alliances laid out, which are apparently Michael and Rachel, Chris and Blakeley, and Ed and Jaclyn, with everyone else on the other side, except for Kalon and Lindzi, who are the loose cannons. Erica talks about the underdogs banding together to throw out the top dogs "for the first time in Bachelor Pad history" which is a phrase that makes absolutely no sense.
Chris Harrison comes in to pad out some of the bloated two-hour running time by asking how everyone's feeling, as well as going over the rules of the Rose Ceremony, because of the assumption that viewers have the attention span of five-year-olds.
A very agitated Blakeley goes to Chris to try to make sure she's safe. Chris, displaying his winning ways with women yet again, advises her to not "be stupid." She then goes to Tony, getting more nervous by the moment, and Michael sits down with her to reassure her. Of course, we still haven't gotten Blakeley's promised big moment where she admits she needs the money because she's destitute, so maybe that's coming soon.
More machinations! I realize that from the letters of "machinations" you can spell "nachos" which is a great idea right now, considering we still have a half-hour to endure. Donna says she'll be disappointed if she goes home, because everyone is getting action but me, and that is not usually how it goes down.
Apparently it's down to Donna and Blakeley, and it seems like every guy in the house considers himself the swing vote. And suddenly there's Nick making out with Donna (might as well get that action in while she can!), while other men are voting and Nick is talking about Donna's breasts as a reason to keep her, because this is where we are in our culture. Kalon relishes the fact that he's told both Blakeley and Donna what they want to hear, because oh that's right: He thinks America loves to hate him, when really America can't be arsed to actively hate him but have instead just accurately judged him to be a douchebag who isn't worth anyone's energy.
Reid thinks that, with the vote against Ed, now's a good time to get rid of him, so he decides to explain his position to Jaclyn, who's confused, but then again she's confused about where the sun goes at night. He's angling to be her partner once Ed is gone. She starts to cry. "There's a lot of betrayal already and I just hate this game," she says. God, it's annoying when people on reality shows like this refer to "competition" as "betrayal." Reid at least understands that. "I didn't want it to happen this way, but Ed is screwed," says Reid. Jaclyn's put out by Reid's forwardness in discussing partner arrangements. "I didn't expect friends to be stabbing each other in the back," she whines to us, and then she goes crying to Ed to, you know, snitch to him about what Reid was saying. She has decided to make it her mission to make sure every woman in the house votes Reid off tonight, and when we watch her vote, she goes so far as to rip up Reid's picture before sticking it in the ballot box.
Oh, good! Another Reid-Ed confrontation! Let it never be said this isn't the tightest two hours on television. Ed is all "blah blah blah" but then Reid is all "blah blah blah" and now we watch Sarah voting, and we know how conflicted she is. She seems to have forgiven herself for voting for bed-partner Ed, and seems to want to be ruled by Reid's iron fist now. She's all "blah blah blah" as she looks at the pictures of the men.
So everyone gathers in the courtyard/driveway for the ceremony. Michael, David, Rachel and Jamie are safe, and David and Rachel step forward to hand out the roses, as is their due as winners of the competition.
Ed talks some more about betrayal and how he values people more than anything, which is funny considering he admitted earlier that some of the tabloid allegations of his womanizing were true.
Let's begin! Erica. Kalon. Lindzi. Chris. Sarah. Tony. Jaclyn. Nick. I don't know who that is. We take a long time to get down to what we already knew were going to be the two matchups: Reid vs. Ed, and Blakeley vs. Donna.
Blakeley and Donna are holding hands, and Blakeley drops Donna's hand the second Blakeley's name is called. Ed and Reid are not holding hands, and it's not the biggest surprise when Ed's name is called. Jaclyn can't let things go without a pissy lecture about how they need to reevaluate how they're playing, what with the rampant dishonesty. Jaclyn has seen reality show competitions before, right?
Reid and Donna head to their separate limos, with Reid throwing out a pathetic offer to talk to Donna, which she ignores/doesn't hear. On the ride away, Reid admits to feeling like a loser, largely due to losing to Ed again. Donna is a little less analytical about her exit, and is confused that her breasts didn't keep her around: "When I'm not around in my bikini, they're going to be pissed," she says, forgetting that there isn't a woman in the house unwilling to wear a bikini for our entertainment.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He proposes that any reality-show contestant who refers to competition as "betrayal" or "backstabbing" be immediately ejected. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.