Good lord, do we have to start off with Erica? It takes her a million years to say anything, and when she's done, it wasn't worth the journey. She says David has a lot of "amending" [sic] to do because he tried to get her kicked off, which will not stand, because Dave is merely a fan and doesn't deserve to be here, unlike Erica who is important because ... well, because she did this first, of course. "I'm going to make his life miserable," she says. The best way to do this would probably be just to talk to him, as that's making me pretty miserable. Dave realizes it was tactical mistake to be so blatant about his intentions, but if he's sorely mistaken if he thinks anyone watching this is under the illusion contestants ever get chosen for their brains.
Meanwhile the twins, whose names are Courtney and Erica, are making a strong case for the eradication of all humanity with their arguing and crying. One of them -- I do not know which, and it surely doesn't matter -- accuses the other of calling her a "slut" four times. "You did it again, I cried," she says, many times. One of them threatens to leave, the other apologizes by blaming what she said on alcohol, and then they hug and a dress gets hiked up and we need black bars because I guess they don't wear underwear? Jaclyn calls them dumb: "I've never seen them communicate as normal people," she says. Blakeley says it's like watching Jerry Springer. Good god, if you're getting called out for being dumb and trashy by contestants on fucking Bachelor Pad, then you need to seriously reevaluate your life's choices.
It's a new morning, which means another visit from Chris Harrison who congratulates all of them for still being here and not succumbing to the hot tub herpes soup, I suppose. Chris wants to have sex with Jamie whilst not letting evil Blakeley know that he does, because he's Blakeley's partner, and Blakeley would very likely rip his head off if she found out, and I'm talking literally and yes, I know how to use that word properly.
What we get, outside, there are three rhythmic gymnasts performing a routine, which Harrison says is in honor of the Olympics, but since Bachelor Pad is on at its regular time instead of tape-delayed for six hours, they didn't really do it right. Anyway, the challenge is to perform a routine for some judges, and Erica R. is worried because she is not good at doing things.
Here's where I like the fact that the worst performer will get an automatic vote against them for the Rose Ceremony: it ensures that they have to try at least a little bit and will keep the gay panic to a minimum. They get juuusst enough laughing in at how ridiculous it is to make sure no one will accuse them of being, YOU KNOW, FRUITY, and then get down to the serious business of waving a ribbon around in the air. Dave in particular is taking it seriously, because he's worried about old money voting out the new money. On the women's side, Donna figures she has an advantage because she started doing gymnastics when she was eight. I do think that her boob job means her center of gravity has changed a LOT since then. Blakeley and Jamie are also performing well and are her chief competition.
And then the contestants are shown the costumes they'll have to wear. Ah, there's the gay panic. I would encourage any of the contestants to watch gymnastics at the Olympics; they will see athletes who can kick their asses without breaking a sweat. Many of the women are equally dismayed by the outfits they have to wear, mainly because we're reminded you don't see a lot of gymnasts with breast augmentation. However! Once the women stop bitching and get on their leotards, they look rather cute. And then the men come out in their singlets and Sarah says she kept looking at their penises.
And the judges are Ashley and J.P., who have not broken up yet, which helps the Bachelor/ette/Pad franchise illustrate the maxim that even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and then a U.S. gymnastics Olympic medalist whose name I won't put here so that it doesn't turn up on Google searches because I'd hate for her kids to someday find out she was on Bachelor Pad, for any reason. Erica R. thinks it's outrageous that a gymnast should be judging gymnastics, I guess.
The women go first, and as much as I hate rhythmic gymnastics, I would easily rather watch people who are good at it. Reid calls it the least graceful thing he's ever seen, and Kalon can't believe how bad it is because all women have to be good at is shopping and gymnastics. Kalon's embracing of his supposed villain status is hilarious if only because of how much he and the show have overestimated how much people actually care.
Anyway, the men put the women to shame, which is too bad, given that the men still need to laugh while they're doing the electric worm and jumping through hula hoops and all that, because THEY'RE ALL MEN, DAMMIT. Donna says she'd like Mike to tie her up and then dance around her, and I really hope any parental figures watching Donna feel a deep sense of shame. (In all likelihood, though, they'd at least watch the twins and realize Donna's not the biggest embarrassment on the show.)
Given how much the show has not spent on Erica R. and Ed, it's not a big surprise that they're voted the worst performance. Apparently "ability to open mouth more than a millimeter" and "ability to stay sober" were respective factors for them. As for the best? Blakeley. She's excited, and says she'll definitely take Chris on the reward date (this is in contrast to Chris, who had said he would take Jamie or Donna, or anyone other than Blakeley, who has turned out to be a drag on super-stud Chris). The men's winner is Magic Mike, which seems to mean the women will be offering him sexual favors tonight? I'm not exactly sure how this program works yet.
Erica R. goes to Mike to drawl out some plea for clemency, and as much as I dislike her, Mike does leave the impression that he's going to save her, which is why she's pissed when he elects to take Rachel, Lindzi and Donna on the date. Mike says since he's already won the money, he's here for a love connection (his selection of Donna, I'd argue, gives you an idea of what he loves). Then Erica R. starts whining about how Donna shouldn't be kept over her, because she's just a fan, and then you realize that you'd lie to Erica R.'s face too. Donna at least seems to actually like Mike.
The date takes the quartet to a theatre that has their names on the marquee, and when they get inside there are a couple dozen extras rhythmically clapping along to some awful post-grunge band, although I will give their Bachelor Pad appearance credit because it means that bands these days aren't so hung up on "credibility" or "talent" or "having good songs" and then Mike takes his dates' tongues for a spin.
Back at the house, Ryan bakes a cake and scatters rose petals on Jamie's bed for her birthday, and spelling out her name in licorice, and if you skipped all episodes up to until now and someone said to you, "One of the men is a virgin. Which one?" it would not be hard to pick.
Meanwhile, Jamie is doing shots and preparing for some Chris coup from Blakeley, who hasn't forgiven Jamie for trying to steal her partner. Sadly, she doesn't appear to be assigning equal responsibility to Chris, although I'm not sure Chris has demonstrated enough brainpower to prove he could, for example, live on his own or cross the street. Still, Jamie's much more into him than she's into Ryan, which is why she's so devastated that Ryan tells her Chris says he's staying with Blakeley and thinks Jamie should stay with Ryan. We haven't seen any of this, naturally, but Jamie takes Ryan at his word, and wonders why, if Chris wants someone to take home to his folks, he would stay with the VIP cocktail waitress. Look I wouldn't take home anyone who was on Bachelor Pad, so careful, there, Jamie.
Back on the date, that awful band is no longer playing, so that's a plus. Mike wants to French his dates some more. First up is Rachel, so they make out for a while, and then Donna -- surprisingly sweet given her "I will literally have sex with everyone to win" demeanor -- gives him a picture she drew of him (a little more Henry Rollins square head-esque than Mike, maybe) and he rewards her by sticking his tongue into her mouth. She says it's the best date she will ever be on. You'd think the best date she ever goes on wouldn't involve her date kissing two other women (who are also on the date) but that's her journey.
Back at the pad, Chris is keeping Jamie happy by kissing her a little while explaining to us that this isn't rocket science: Blakeley has a rose so he needs to keep her happy, but he also wants the other women to like him so he'll lie to Jamie about how much he's into her, essentially. They cuddle while Blakeley is just stone-cold chillin' in the pool and unaware of the machinations set in motion by her deeply disloyal partner.
Meanwhile, Mike hands out the Best Kisser rose to Rachel, and Donna can't even pretend not to be visibly disappointed. Clearly, she figures, Mike isn't as into her as she is to him.
Speaking of not being into people, Chris figures he's got to satisfy Ol' Ball and Chain Blakeley, which he does by interrupting a conversation she's having with Ed and then being douchey about it when she seems to doubt his "Baby, I'm just messing with Jamie so she won't vote me out" explanation.
Even if that were true, it would still be a stupid plan. Or at least the part where Chris gets into bed with Blakeley is stupid, given that Jamie's got the top bunk, so she comes into the darkened room and watches them for a moment before crawling up to bed and crying herself to sleep, it seems.
The morning, while Jamie tries to be all "my heart will go on" about it, Blakeley chats with Chris about who else she should bring on the date, and floats Dave's name as a possible. Chris doesn't like that, since Dave had an elimination plan. Once again I'm amazed at the way someone's desire to win a competition is seen as some sort of moral failing. Chris says he's been discussing it with Ed, and Blakeley sarcastically says she's glad they've decided who she should bring. This is despite her RIGHT THIS MOMENT asking him who she should bring.
The date card arrives, and it instructs Blakeley to choose three men to make this date "racy." She picks Chris, Ed and Dave (that last one being a bit of surprise to everyone). And he gets up to hug her. Blakeley tells us -- and I like her reasoning -- that she's doing it to show Chris it's not all up to him. Chris stares at her. CHRIS DISAPPROVES.
But fuck Chris. Fuck that guy. He goes on what is a much cooler date with Blakeley and the other two guys. It's soapbox derby racing, with a trophy and everything. The racers get to decorate their racers, so Chris paints "Team Bliss" (for Blakeley plus Chris) on one side and "250K" on the other. "I'm going to come back with 250K deep in my pockets and be like, 'Hey, bitches, you see this?'" he says. That is a thing he just said.
And then he gets mad at David for painting a rose on his racer and helmet, which he thinks is desperate.
Back at the house, Erica R. and Sarah discuss the possibility of David earning tonight's rose. Erica R. thinks David is craftier than he's been given credit for (of course, Erica R. has been the fans' biggest detractor). There is a talking-head where Erica R. says everyone's surprised at how long David has lasted. Given this is THE SECOND EPISODE, why don't we assume that this actually comes from a little later in the season?
Over at Date of Thunder, the racers line up, and David tells Chris, "I'm going to take you from the rear, no pun intended," and I have no idea what Chris thinks that means.
As it turns out, Ed wins. The race is over fairly quickly, which is great news, because that means we're not forced to watch too much of the horrifying hoodcam, which shows the racers' faces up-close and flappy. Dave's a little bummed that he lost to Ed, who doesn't give a shit about anything other than where his drink is coming from, but he vows to win tonight's rose.
So they head to the individual home (the one the Bachelor/ette stays in when they're filming, unless you throw a tantrum and insist you stay in Charlotte for the show) for the after-party. Blakeley suggests they get "racy" and is it possible that she didn't realize the "racy" reference in the date card was for the soapbox derby?
Anyway, while Dave wheedles his way into Blakeley's good graces by promising her his vote, Ed and Chris talk about whether Chris is really into Blakeley or not. And he's such an unconvincing liar that when she asks him directly about whether he's with her or not, she tells him not to be a smart-ass when he responds by saying he'd be happy if the two of them were in an eight-by-eight storage closet. In the end, despite her reservations, Blakeley gives Chris the rose, which is only going to make Chris's ego problem worse.
And now it is time for drunken shenanigans! There is champagne, women kissing each other, Lindzi snuggling with Kalon, Dave making out with one of the twins (I don't think even the twins know which one is which) and then Ed is, unsurprisingly, drunk off his ass again. "It could be strategy, but who knows?" says Lindzi. How getting bombed is a strategy is beyond me, but it impresses Jaclyn, because she is easily impressed, and she says Ed has "personality fo' days, yo." This is a thing she says. It's at the sad point where Sarah looks around and worries that she will seem pathetic if she's the only woman in the hot tub who does not hook up.
So she takes her top off, jumps in the pool, and winds up in bed with a very drunk Ed. Whew! For a moment there, she was almost pathetic! Close one.
And now Brittany and Erica T., have decided that strategic alliances are something they need (if not a phrase they can say) and so go after noted power players Nick and Tony, who amusingly can barely conceal their contempt while the twins bicker and fail to display the ability to complete a sentence that doesn't have the word "slut" or "like" in it. And even after the bacchanalia has ended and everyone else tries to sleep, the twins are STILL fighting, and it's bad enough that the adults, rather than comforting them, basically tell them to just shut up and go to sleep. Brittany wants to go home, and it may be because of her period? Did I hear that right? Of course, they're playing as a team, so that means Erica T. would to leave as well. This has upside for everyone (except Erica T., I suppose).
The day dawns with the two of them still at it. Mike says he's met a lot of people, but he's never met two people who argue so much or go so quickly from best friends to el-diablo. Erica T. tells us Brittany has been calling the shots for twenty-two years, but now they plan to quit being twins or something. But in the end, Erica acquiesces to leaving, but not before going to see Dave and say goodbye. Dave yawns in response, which was pretty funny, while Kalon and Lindzi, snuggling on a pullout couch or something, whisper, "Which one was that?" The twins leave the game the way they played it: shrilly yelling at each other.
Everyone's happy to see the twins go, but it does take away the obvious choice for who to vote off for the women. Dave -- who hilariously doesn't even remember Erica coming in to say goodbye -- is worried because that was a vote he knew he could swing the way he wanted. He figures he's going home.
But obviously, because ABC's got to stick with the broadcast schedule and keep the teams even, Harrison informs everyone that the rest of the women are safe; tonight, just the women will be voting for the man they want to go home tonight. Kalon tells us Dave is the consensus pick to go home because Dave is the new guy. True, he's not the franchise veteran that Chris and Kalon are, for sure. But he doesn't trust Ryan, and he thinks Dave is newly appreciative for being on borrowed time.
So he plants the "let's vote Ryan" seed in Lindzi's mind, who brings Rachel and Jaclyn on board. And you can easily see Jamie going along with that.
This isn't sitting well with Reid, who wants to take advantage of Ed's loser vote by rallying some of the other women against him, in the guise of stopping Ed and Chris from controlling everything. It's dubious that you can pull off Ed and Chris as "genius strategists," but Sarah's quite pissed that she hooked up with Ed and yet is somehow not included in any kind of alliances. So she votes for Ed, as does Erica (Erica R. is now the only Erica!).
Ed, discovering Reid's plans, feels betrayed, and starts packing. Reid can't believe Sarah told Ed she voted for him before voting was over, and now she regrets it because she's worried no one will trust her. She's in tears during a talking head.
Things appear to come down to Jamie, so she's got on her best Pretty Woman reboot costume while she looks at the pictures of the men. "I can't believe my future is dictated by Jamie. It's not a good feeling," Ed tells us.
Everyone files into the courtyard for the Rose Ceremony, with six roses to hand out to seven men. Sarah is practically in hysterics, having voted for the guy she has a crush on. Again, I'll remind everyone that no one is cast on this show for their brains. Sometimes contestants are smart -- Emily O'Brien comes to mind -- but those are the exceptions that prove the rule, no?
Anyway, here we go: Kalon. Reid. Nick. Tony (who douchily says, "Excuse me, girls," to the other guys as he goes to collect his rose). David. So of course it's down to Ryan and Ed, and Ed survives. "I don't know what happened," Reid tells us, who's afraid this will backfire on him. Ryan allows himself a sidelong glance at his former partner, Jamie, who can't meet his eyes. But as Ryan says his goodbyes and heads to the exit limo, Jamie tells us this is good for her because she can be free and not be tied down to some needy virgin partner.
Ryan's heartbroken to be backstabbed by people he confided in and trusted. "I certainly feel as though I was lied to by Jamie," he says. "As a 32-year-old virgin, I'm always looking for love." Hee.
Ed tells us he was disconcerted to hear his name being thrown around, but he doesn't appear to know who was behind it. So Reid's clean for now, but even Ed can probably stay sober long enough to figure it out.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Not sure how the "twins are sexy" cliché got started, but he's always been firmly against incest. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.