Chris Harrison strolls out onto the driveway of the titular Bachelor Pad to welcome everyone to the third season of this half-assed bankrupt-of-ideas ratings grab, where men and women who went on The Bachelor/ette to become famous, or "find love," left with their dignity thoroughly decimated, I mean "broken hearts." And because this show embraces its ridiculousness instead of pretending, like its parent shows, to be entirely sincere, Harrison lists all the different people we'll see tonight, like "the lover" and "the fighter" and "the one you love to hate" when really the only category is "the one you for-real hate".
And although you'd think with only two seasons under its belt this show wouldn't be tweaking with the formula already, but Harrison explains that some super-fans are going to be among the mix. What makes them super-fans is anybody's guess, but probably "utter lack of shame" is probably a key qualifier. "They may even hook up and fall in love with one of their favorite bachelor and bachelorettes," says Harrison, and he said "hook up" first because awww yeah these guys and gals are gonna be straight-up bumpin' uglies on the real, and also because no one has ever fallen in love on this show ever.
Then Harrison kicks it to some montages of some of the people who won't just go away already and are going to be on this show, because we can't get five minutes into a new season without it being A CLIP SHOW. And there's Chris, who tells us we "may remember" him from Emily's season, WHICH ENDED YESTERDAY, although maybe Chris just has a healthy appreciation for how quickly we should be able to forget his eagle-lookin' ass. He talks about having his heart broken by Emily but apparently he's getting over it, because he basically tells us he wants to nail Lindzi.
Spekaing of Lindzi, she was dumped by one of the Geico cavemen and apparently threw herself into her eye makeup. And there's Reid, the guy who kinda looks like Matthew Perry, who proposed to Jillian but got ditched in favor of Ed. And Ed is apparently going to be there, so sounds like it all worked out for him and Jillian. Reid says Ed better not cockblock him this time, because payback is a bitch.
There's Ed! "I won Jillian's heart," he says. He and the Canadian lasted about a year but there breakup had something to do with them still having "a lot of media going on," whatever THAT is supposed to mean, and he acknowledges that some of the stories in the tabloids were true, so let's just assume he banged everything he could stick his dick into. He says he's still definitely living the bachelor lifestyle, by which he means he's not married. Form an orderly queue, ladies.
And then we go to Charlotte, and naturally I thought EMILY AND JEF BROKE UP ALREADY? But we're visiting with Blakeley, who she says is the woman not everybody liked from Ben's season. Not ringing a bell. Oh, right, the VIP "cocktail waitress." Well, she had some sort of epiphany while being on the show that she didn't want to be an escort or whatever now and wanted to get back to her first love of waxing assholes, because that's what she's doing now. She says she's on the show strictly for the money. She hopes some of the women from her season will be on, like Jaclyn. Cue shot of Jaclyn saying "she sucks" in reference to Blakeley.
So now we go to Jaclyn in New York, who says she's hoping to win some money and lose some friends. This nasty broad has friends? She says she and Blakeley aren't "besties" but "frenemies" and however old she is, she is too old to be speaking like that. There's a weird shot where Jaclyn watches a television screen on which is clearly SUPERIMPOSED footage of Blakeley, so Jaclyn can make cracks about Blakeley pole-dancing her way onto the show. She snottily says she has a college education, so clearly she's going farther than Blakeley.
Ugh, it's Kalon, in Houston. "I'm back," he says, after he pulls up in a sports car. This is why the parent shows play it straight: because when the contestants act like they're in on the joke, it's much, much worse than even pretend sincerity. Kalon's pretty sure all of America hates him. If it makes him feel better, all of Canada probably hates him too, at least those among us frostbacks who watch the show. The rest of us take no notice unless you are in the middle of trying to win the Stanley Cup,
Anyway, let's skip over Kalon as much as possible. If he's going to just say things like "Helicopter fuel is expensive" and "I'm going to ruin your fucking summer" what really is the point?
Anyway, let's meet the people who don't mind being known as a fan of The Bachelor/ette. There's Paige, watching the show with a friend, and saying she wants to sleep with Chris or Michael Staglea-- Stagli-- Stag-- she wants to sleep with Chris or Michael S.
Then there's Chris "SWAT", who's a SWAT officer. "I kick ass and take names," he tells us, while we watch a staged takedown so we can all be very impressed with his ass-kicking abilities. Then he lets us in on a secret, which is that he loves The Bachelor/ette. We knew that already, we didn't need to see Chris "SWAT" in his pajamas sipping wine and watching the show while candles burn relaxingly in the foreground. He's hoping to find true love in the Bachelor Pad, which makes me worry about his mental competence more than just about anything else he could have possibly said.
Now we have Donna, 22, who says she is MADE for Bachelor Pad and it is literally [sic] made for her, what with the "hot boys" and money. Donna's interests include working out and jiggling her breasts in half a dozen bikinis. She'll go far! And she wants to "hook up" with that Michael S. guy.
David is a Bachelor fan and has had dreams of going out with Lindzi and Blakeley. He always wanted to be on the show proper, but will settle for Bachelor Pad. He's an MMA fighter who calls himself "Kamikaze" (suuuuure it's your trainers who gave you that nickname, David) because maybe he's going to blow up everyone in the pad? That wouldn't suck.
Finally there are Erica and Brittany T., who are twins, and their hobbies include doing everything together, like watching the show and speaking in some form of half-English usually spoken by people half their age. They agree that Blakeley's fake boobs are intimidating, but it's OK because she's about to hit menopause. One of them says her worst nightmare is waking up to Kalon. She chillingly says that like she doesn't have any control over whether that happens or not. And the reason it would be a nightmare is not that Kalon is a self-centred asshole, but that he has a "butt chin." Erica says she's a virgin but Brittany is "definitely not a virgin" and then suggests she could sleep her way to the $250,000 and Brittany calls that a plausible strategy and if you'll excuse me I have to go and remove my daughter from civilization forever. They know what's hot and what's attractive and who they want to have sex with, Brittany tells us. "Twins in the house! WHAAAT?" they say.
This show might just break me.
So the limo rides start up. Chris is the first to arrive, and he's excited to be in the mansion for the first time because "there's history in it." Dude, they have to hose it off between seasons and scour it with the strongest anti-bacterials on the market.
Lindzi shows up, not on a horse this time, and she strolls in to meet Chris. "Super-cute guy, super-nice," she says. Here comes Ed, and Lindzi makes fun of his "Rico Suave suit." Then there is Nick, and I don't who that is. And then Rachel comes in. She seems happier to see Lindzi than Lindzi is to see her. Then there is Sarah, from Brad's first season. She apparently got booted because she couldn't tell the difference between Brad and his twin Chad.
Joining them is Ryan, from DeAnna's season. He's the 28-year-old virgin. I don't remember him at all. I think I recapped that season too! Now he's the 32-year-old virgin, he tells us. Someone offers him a drink, but he turns it down because he doesn't drink either. He's going to be a barrel of laughs on this show, then.
In comes Reid, and he and Ed exchange a big hug. Ed is already drunk off his ass, and Reid looks uncomfortable while Ed gives the hilarious drunken anecdote of their familiarity.
In comes Jaclyn, who tells us that you either love her or you hate her, and as usual, when someone says that, it means most reasonable people are coming down on the "hate her" side of the ledger. She says she's comfortable in a situation that requires brains. Why she felt the need to bring that up vis-à-vis Bachelor Pad is a mystery to me, and is undermined anyway just by watching her talk to everyone as she arrives.
And then in comes Tony who I guess was just on this past season with Emily but I don't remember him. Chris is excited to see him, though. Meanwhile, Jaclyn is already working herself up at the imminent arrival of Blakeley. "She talks in baby voices, and she's like 82," she says. She and Rachel decide to be nice to Blakeley and keep her along as much as possible, because this is some sort of strategy that will help them win somehow? I didn't understand, but then again, she's comfortable in a situation that requires brains, so who am I to argue?
Jamie comes in, then Michael, who was co-champ last year? Is this like boxing, where you have to defend your title? He says he's here for love this time. He seems popular with the other contestants, and I seem to remember him being a decently funny guy.
And then Erica (not one of the twins) shows up. She tells Chris Harrison that she's worried Kalon might be there, since they know each other from the Houston social scene and she "went to the tabloids" about him, and he's furious. She also speaks at half the speed a normal person does.
Sure enough, Kalon is the to show up, eye-rollingly (because it's so contrived) treating Chris Harrison like a valet, handing him the keys and breezing by. He and Erica have a discussion about tabloid appropriateness, and I guess she complained because he criticized her for running around naked somewhere? Or something? Ugh, who even has the energy.
And then the fans start to arrive, with Donna arrive (her breasts arriving a few minutes sooner) and she hyperventilates at meeting Chris Harrison and his saying of her name. Inside, the veterans are discussing the imminent arrival of the fans. There is a strange hostility to the fans, with no one pointing out that first, without the fans, NONE OF THEM WOULD ENJOY THE D-LIST FAME THEY HAVE and second, it's not like any of them had to achieve anything special to earn their first ticket on the show. Part of Sarah's problem is Donna's "slutty dress" with her boobs out. Hey, leave Donna alone!
Chris SWAT swings on in, as does Paige, who does play the babbling dingbat that Rachel was worried about. Erica doesn't see Paige as a big threat, and Jaclyn mocks her dressing. The other guy contestant shows up, and then it's time for Brittany and Erica to be let off the leash. Chris tells them they'll be competing as one unit, and mocks them to their faces because they're too dumb to know so. "There's only room for one set of twins in this house, and it's not those two girls," says Houston Erica, touching her breasts.
Things escalate quickly, with a drunken Ed stripping down to his underwear and jumping in the pool, and he gets scolded by Sarah, all "We get it, you have a big dick and you're funny," and she orders him to pull himself together when Harrison comes in to call everyone to a meeting.
Ed can't even sit through Harrison's explanation of how the competition works before running out to jump in the pool again. Harrison looks like he's doing his best to not appear angry as he goes to fetch Ed so he can explain how the women will be voting off the men and vice-versa, and they've got to pair up. Some of the couples: Chris is with Blakeley (who goes instant Lady Macbeth on him), Kalon winds up with Donna and Jaclyn gets saddles with Ed, who is worried much less about any competition and much more about getting someone to turn the heat up in the hot tub.
The morning, a hungover Ed snoozes by the pool while Jaclyn tells herself that maybe the upside is no one is really going to consider a drunken buffoon like Ed a threat. Erica R. notes that fans Dave and the twins are partners, so it would be ideal if they lost because they'd lose three fans from the house already. She's also said that a veteran teaming with a fan would be like sleeping with the help, so I can't exactly consider myself sorry that I didn't see her season.
Anyway, it's time for the first challenge! Harrison takes everyone outside to show them large hearts mounted on cranes that will be lifted high in the air, and then slowly tilted forward. The last couple to fall out win the roses, while the first couple to fall out earn points against them already.
The teams get in place, the hearts are lifted and then, bit by bit, tilted forward. Given Erica's pissiness towards the fans, I find it really amusing first of all that she and Nick are the first to fall out -- she lost the first challenge last year too, and thinks it's "not fair" she lost this one too, so I'm starting to think she's not very bright -- and the winners are Dave and Brittany. Amusingly, after just one night, everyone already seems to hate the twins, so their victory isn't sitting well with anybody...
...especially since they win some sort of fantasy date.
They go on a boardwalk date, riding rollercoasters and Ferris wheels, and everywhere they go reminds Dave of some date from the show, while the twins don't seem to remember anything beyond the week, but they remember Courtney taking her clothes off during Ben's season, so they strip down to their bathing suits, which turn out to be largely unnecessary, and go running into the water.
Back at the mansion, Blakeley is talking strategy with Chris, which really means she's lecturing him on keeping his eye on the prize. Since Chris didn't come here to be ordered around by no skirt, he's more than happy later to accept Jamie's invitation to go somewhere private and talk, which quickly winds up a makeout session, interrupted when Jaclyn tattles on them to Blakeley, and Blakeley bust in to break it up. Blakeley starts sniping at Jamie, who gives it right back to her, and in a talking-head, Blakeley cries about how disappointed she is in Chris for letting her down.
Speaking of being let down, Erica R., with a target on her back now, is the focus of a campaign by Dave and the twins for elimination. With their immunity, they feel it's a good time to knock off one of the vets, and Dave is cocky enough to be honest with Erica when she sidles up and asks them who they're talking about eliminating. Chris SWAT is less than happy about Dave's forthrightness, because he's the only vulnerable guy fan.
Erica R. goes crying to Michael and Kalon, who assure her that everything's going to be OK, giving her the confidence she needs to stroll out to the pool and drawl some barely junior-level insults at him. He is an "ugly loser" who doesn't deserve to be here, what with him being a fan.
And the fact that the cocktail party is starting with half-an-hour left means you know we're in for endless scheming. Michael amusingly gets giddy while explaining how the show works, while Chris gets his dander up at those uppity fans. "This is our house, our show," he tells us, forgetting he's actually been at the mansion exactly as long as the fans have. Reid and Paige agree to stick together, making it difficult on him when Michael tells him everyone's voting for Paige. It was either her or Donna, explains Michael, who kinda commendably doesn't bother to pretend the decision had to do with anything other than Donna's capita knockers, which she's promised to cover as little as possible during her time in the pad.
Everyone gathers in the courtyard for the rose ceremony, with Dave and the twins already immune. We're going to go through EVERYONE even though we already know who it's coming down to.
Anyway, the roses: Lindzi. Chris Eagle. Sarah. Ed. Rachel. Reid. Jaclyn. Michael. Jamie. Kalon. Blakeley. Ryan. Donna (saved by her breasts!). Tony. So there's one rose apiece for the men and the women. On the men's side, it's down to Nick and Chris SWAT, and on the women it's down to Paige and Erica.
...And it's Nick and Erica, so Chris SWAT and Paige have to say their goodbyes. Reid feels bad because he failed in his mission to get Paige to stay, and David finally feels like maybe he tipped his hand too early, and figures he might be out the door. As for Paige and Chris SWAT? I say they're better off. First to be eliminated means your chances of infection are relatively small.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He now wishes he didn't always give The Bachelorette automatic Fs, because now he doesn't have a worse grade to give Bachelor Pad. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at danieljdaniel@gmail.com.