That's Entertainment(.com)!

S12E08

Hello, everyone! It's me, Potes! This week, I am subbing for Joe R., who is plum tuckered out from two days of delivering candy to thousands of children across the country. Yes, you heard me right. Joe R. is the Easter Bunny. It's seasonal work, but an honest living, and one that brings joy and cavities to the youth of our nation. Joe R., we salute you! And now on to the show.

Previously on this crazy fucking show that feels the need to bless us with THREE HOUR EPISODES every so often: NYC guidebooks! The men won by a measly $14 (though, really, $35,014 if you discount the bonus prize the women got for having a better book) and Teresa took on Miss Electric Youth herself, leaving Debbie Gibson to shake her love to the unemployment line. Now we can all forget about Debbie Gibson again, hooray. Because the women have sucked so bad, Trump mixed up the teams for the "Walk with Walgreens" challenge. Arsenio, Clay and Paul got to directly experience the pain in the ass that is Aubrey, while Lisa stayed true to her belief that Dayana is a useless idiot. And then in the boardroom Arsenio lost his freaking mind! His team won, but Aubrey went MIA as part of her constant bid for attention. While all this hullabaloo was happening, Dee was fired. He WAS gonna take it anymore, apparently. Back in the holding room, Aresenio kept freaking the fuck out and also made reference to Aubrey's stank ass. Good times, everyone.

Post-Pinkslip Aftermath:
As Arsenio's team tries to strategize about what to do with Aubrey if she ever comes back, Lisa and Penn enter. Lisa of course takes Aubrey's side in the whole Team Unanimous debacle, and is quite disparaging about Clay and Arsenio in the process. I really wish someone would take Lisa into the boardroom on the grounds that she is a completely hostile psycho. The only reason she's so valuable is because no one else on her teams thus far has been functionally literate. But she's not just mean, she's a complete emotional wreck, and those qualities together make for the worst kind of person. Could you imagine her as, like, your office manager? I also don't think she's very funny, but that's a whole separate matter.

We get to hear some more about how Arsenio's cousin died of AIDS, and Aubrey's narcissism, and Arsenio freaks out some more. OH, but then he starts yelling, "Fuck that whore," repeatedly, which is not at all cool. Lisa then takes him down for this, which makes me like her for one hot second, but then Arsenio makes a somewhat decent point when he says that she's the last person who should lecture anyone on their language. Ugh, just fire them both. That's the answer to every debate on this show. Lisa tells Arsenio not to ruin his entire career by making the women of America hate him. Paul compares the whole situation to poking beehives, which actually sounds like a more pleasant way to spend a Sunday evening.

By Potes

Oh Jesus, and then Lou and Dayana enter, and Lisa loses her mind again when she realizes that Dee has been fired. She screams at them that they are both fucking useless. Well, at least she didn't call anyone a whore. This show is just full of horrible people. Except for Dayana and Clay, both of whom I enjoy immensely. Dayana is totally not stupid, and also the hottest woman on the planet, and has the magical gift of being able to keep her shit together always. And remember how Clay said that Victoria Gotti was hotter than Aubrey? That was truly the beginning of his redemption tour. Lou mouth-twitches, as is his custom, as he tells us he won't take Lisa's bullshit. And, credits. Oh, and then Arsenio Skypes with Magic Johnson about the challenge check, and Magic is like, "Thanks, I burp out $50,000 five times a day." No, kidding, he's very gracious and excited. Mobile testing units are a great cause. Was it against the rules for Arsenio to solicit a donation from Magic? Because, I mean, apparently he has him on Skype and all.

The Task:
Executives from Entertainment.com are on hand! This is, I think, the online version of those crazy coupon books that you can buy at Christmastime, where you get twelve 20 percent discounts at a dry cleaner you never use. One for every month of the year! What a bargain. The contestants are charged with creating a 60-second commercial promoting the benefits of Entertainment.com, and particularly their mobile app. Ivanka and Don are the advisors, sparing us the trauma of having the two male Trump progeny terrifying us all episode long. Don Junior with his slimy little rat teeth is bad enough, but you throw in the other ghostly one and things get too gross to bear. I don't know what kind of relationship Ivanka has with her mother, but she should at the very least be bobby pinning her beehive every day in thanks for saving her all the good DNA. Those three siblings should partake in some testing to help solve the mystery of genetics. Dean and Melissa, the Entertainment.com executives, will judge the final product, and the winning project manager's charity will get 4,000 coupons to a particularly unimpressive local pizza place, 20,000 discounted movie passes and also $60,000. Dayana volunteers to be project manager for Forte without any discussion with her team, which of course puts Lampanelli in a rage. She compares Dayana to Evita, because Lisa thinks all South American countries are the same. Teresa is project manager for Unanimous, because by default she wound up being the sane one of that bunch.

Team Unanimous:
In the utter shock of my life, Aubrey and Arsenio totally talk things out like civilized adults. I know! I'm sure he'll be calling her a whore again by the end of the episode, but things appear to have calmed down. But wait! Like, one second later, Aubrey is pouting as everyone else tries to think up kicky slogans, and tells us that she will never like Arsenio. But the team manages come up with a pretty good commercial concept that involves cranky geriatric Paul being an old-school coupon cutter, whose wife and daughter (played by Aubrey) bring him into the future of mobile app coupons. Paul proves he is a stellar team player by agreeing to wear sleeves in the commercial. It's no wonder he's managed to get this far!

The team huddles and Clay outlines a script with some coupon-related double entendre. Just when you thought you couldn't make coupons sexy, leave it to Clay Aiken to bust out the line, "Aren't you glad we don't do it like your parents do it?" If Clay and I knew each other in real life, I have a feeling we'd just laugh and gossip and clutch at each other and drink Pinot noir and constantly harmonize to "On the Wings of Love." We'd get along, is what I'm saying. Anyway, commercial dad Paul will be listening outside his daughter's door (creepy) and thinking she's about to have sex with her boyfriend (creepy) and bust down the door (really creepy) only to find out they're just printing out Entertainment.com coupons or whatever (creepiest). I love it, until we hear the line, "Here, take it in your hand." TOO MUCH! Teresa agrees, and so the team will get rid of one or two of the dirtier bits. Hee, I said "bits."

Actors, a DP and hair and makeup come on the scene, and it's time for Paul to get reluctantly glammed up. He is trimmed and dyed and put into a button-down shirt and sweater, to hilarious effect. Teresa kind of wants to boff him, and Paul kind of wants to boff himself, even. The shoot begins, and Teresa enjoys directing, which she equates with simply telling people what to do. Paul requests that she say, "Action!" She does, and cracks herself up. Aubrey tells us that Teresa is a Muppet Baby, and people put their hands in her and tell her where to go and what to do. And...ew. I just got a very disturbing picture involving Juicy Joe Giudice that I'll never be able to get out of my head.

Though things have been going relatively smoothly so far, Clay notes that Aubrey is a loose cannon and you never know when she's going to start acting like an asshole. She does crack up at her lascivious-sounding line just as Ivanka walks in. Ivanka says that the highlight of her week has been seeing Paul dressed like a dweeb, and she notes that he carries it well. I would like to see him in a sweater vest, honestly. As Teresa explains their commercial concept to Ivanka, Aubrey continuously interrupts in a very loud voice until everyone looks at her. This bid for control does not go unnoticed by Ivanka, who thinks that Aubrey might have been wise to pipe down after the criticism she received in the boardroom last week.

Clay and Arsenio head out to do some editing while Teresa focuses on filming the final commercial scenes. Time is tight, and Aubrey takes this opportunity to badmouth Teresa and Paul for being quasi-useless at the best of times. Meanwhile, Clay and Arsenio take the opportunity to record some voiceovers and zipper sounds for the commercial, and make a ton of dick jokes in the process. The rest of the team comes in, and Aubrey is unimpressed at the amount of work they've done so far. As Team Unanimous races against the clock, Aubrey throws out the last-minute idea that they might not want to use the phrase "old-fashioned" in the commercial, as it is derogatory to the physical coupon books that people probably still use. She suggests changing it to "old-school," which isn't any better at all, but there isn't time to do anything. Clay sees all this as Aubrey's bid to cover her ass. And speaking of ass-covering bids, Teresa is totally ready to throw Clay and Arsenio under the bus for a potentially bad editing job.

Team Unanimous's presentation begins with Teresa telling the Entertainment.com execs how difficult it is to find affordable things to do with your family in this economy. And I mean, coming from her that is rich. The commercial is funny, but perhaps a little too dirty for the circumstances, and the term "old-fashioned" does get a reaction from the execs. Aubrey assures us that Teresa might have kumbaya feelings at the moment, but the second that their team loses, Arsenio and Clay will turn on her just as they did Aubrey. In fact, I think they'd actually turn on Aubrey again. Isn't it wild that there are people in the world to whom Teresa Giudice seems like an enjoyable human being?

Team Forte:
Dayana announces that Penn has to jet off to another show, so will only be around until 4:00. This strikes panic into the heart of Lou Ferrigno for obvious reasons. Lisa is also pissed, and reminds us yet again that Dayana and Lou share one brain cell between them. Penn has to explain to Dayana what an Entertainment book is, which does not bode well. Dayana, with help from the rest of the team, comes up with a concept that involves a couple whose entire relationship is facilitated by Entertainment.com coupons. Like, there was a coupon for Sandals Antigua, and so that's where they went on their honeymoon and so forth. They decide to go with actors for the commercial, and of course Ferrigno is mad because he wanted to star in it. As Dayana's love interest nonetheless! What the fuck is his problem? How is it possible that he's still on this show? Dayana assigns him to work on some banners, and he poutily agrees.

Penn and Lisa work on the script, and Penn commends Lisa on having some idea of how real people who are not comedic magician intelligentsia actually talk. To him, that is a specialized skill. Lisa tells us that she finds Dayana less annoying when she's in charge, because she's not constantly trying to wheedle her ideas in like an annoying kid. Penn tells us that Lisa and Dayana acting respectfully toward one another is the closest thing his atheist self has come to experiencing a miracle. They begin shooting their commercial, and the actors are super cute and everyone is happy. Except for Lou! He suggests that Diana change the camera angle, and she basically ignores him. Lou twitches in response, and I'm sure we'll be hearing about this in the boardroom, and also 110 percent, etc.

The big kicker of Forte's commercial is that while it has been the female member of the couple who has wanted to use Entertainment.com coupons throughout for engagement rings, honeymoon, etc., it ends with the dude looking for baby carriage coupons. AWWWWW. Everyone is pretty happy about how things are going. Except for Lou! He's still mad that Dayana wouldn't cast him in the commercial. He's also mad that Penn is leaving. He should be mad that Don Junior and his rat teeth and oily hair are in the house, skulking around and nibbling bits of the set. Based on looks alone, Don Junior would make an excellent member of the Riverbottom Nightmare Gang. Don Junior thinks that Dayana is relatively in control, but notes that Penn and Lisa still did the bulk of the creative work.

Post rat-tooth visit, Forte wraps up the commercial. Lisa acknowledges that though she generally enjoys being annoyed and angry, she has to cop to the fact that Dayana might be more than just a pretty face, and also brought more to the table than Lou did. Speaking of Lou, he never did those presentation banners like he was supposed to. He is all weird about it, because he's never used a computer, or heard length/width dimensions before. Dayana and Lisa basically end up doing it all. The team transitions to editing, and Dayana admits to us that she's surprised but pleased by the fact that Lisa was totally fine all day. Lou, however, is still being weird. He wants to put some sort of logo on the commercial, which Lisa and Dayana think is not a great idea. In the end, Dayana jokes with Lou about loving the commercial, and Lou responds that if he didn't like it, he'd tell her. Cut to an interview in which Lou says that he doesn't like the commercial. Ugh, just fire him already. Lou thinks that they didn't focus enough on the branding, despite the fact that they say Entertainment.com like six thousand times.

Team Forte's presentation has a big asset with Dayana in a wrap dress, who introduces the commercial. And their commercial is totally cute! I mean, both of the commercials have the lowest production value you could imagine, but that's to be expected. Conceptually, this one seems to me like a better fit. Meanwhile, Lou says that he thinks Lisa has two personalities. No shit, Sherlock. He wants to get the point across that he does not enjoy being called a fucking loser. Getting that point across will most likely involve the phrase, "110 percent," said repeatedly.

The Boardroom:
Trump meets with the Entertainment.com execs, who commend Unanimous for their team spirit and Paul Teutel Senior in particular for dying his moustache. They do ding the commercial for the "old-fashioned" reference, and for being possibly a bit too risqué and not as informative as it could be. They liked the Forte commercial's storyline, and the fact that it covered important information like cost and showed a wide variety of savings. However, the whole thing was not as fun or exciting and using only two characters in the commercial meant that it lacked zip.

In the boardroom, Diana looks unbelievable per usual, and upon Trump's needling admits that Lou was the weak player on the team. His only value was in lifting props, and on the creative end she says he was very quiet. Lisa agrees, and says that Lou brought very little to the table. She also admits that, though it's crazy, she was impressed with Dayana, who is super organized and a great project manager. Lisa throws in that Dayana might not be the most creative person, even though I think this concept was hers, but she was cool and they all had a lot of fun.

You know who didn't have fun, though? That's right, Lou. He says that if Lisa weren't such a delicate lady, he'd throw her through the wall, adding that he does not enjoy being called a fucking loser. Lisa says that Lou shouldn't bring in things external to the boardroom, and backpedals a bit when the Trumps ask if she actually told Lou that he was a fucking loser. She admits that she was angry when she learned that Dee was fired, but doesn't quite cop to whatever specifically mean things that she said. Then the two bitch at each other for a while, and it occurs to me that Lisa could actually probably throw Lou through a wall. That would be a fair fight, between those two. Lisa tells Lou to get ready for an elevator ride. And then, more bitching. Lou says that he doesn't fight with women, and Lisa points out that he just did. And then Lou goes on and on, and Lisa eventually just starts going, "Waaaah." Trump asks Team Unanimous if they heard the loser comment, and no one says that they did. And on replay, here's what happened. Lisa did not call Lou a fucking loser. She called him "fucking useless," which sounds an awful lot like "fucking loser" if you have a hearing impediment, and also is probably just as bad. As a bonus, she also called him (and Dayana, who bore equal brunt of this wrath) "brain-dead."

By Potes

Trump then checks in with Aubrey, who claims to be done sniveling. Arsenio says that he and Aubrey kind of made up, and when Ivanka asks if Aubrey was able to take his criticisms about her performance, he says that he probably got the right results with the wrong language. Trump agrees. Clay tells Trump that everyone got along well on the task, and that Teresa was a pretty good project manager and surprisingly nice. Everyone giggles and coos over Paul's transformation for a while, and then Trump asks Teresa to identify her team's weak link. She can't do it, and says that she'd bring the whole team into the boardroom with her. The last time someone tried to pull this kind of niceness, Trump fired two people. He is the enemy of happiness and harmony! The effort of being so has turned him tangerine! Ivanka points out the thing about Aubrey taking over when she was on set, which clearly irked Teresa. In a very professional way, Ivanka tells Aubrey that she talks too fucking much out of turn, and thus people don't like her all that much. Trump asks Paul who the star of the team was, and Paul names Clay, even if he might not be able to hang with the chopper-making guys or whatever you call them. I'm sure Clay is crying silent tears that he'll never be able to make motorcycles with burly dudes. Though you know if he did that there would be a really moving Jeffrey Osbourne singalong right around hour four.

Meanwhile, there isn't much bitching between Lou and Lisa that we haven't heard already, and yet we are treated to more. In the holding room, Paul Teutul Senior says he would not want to fuck with Lisa Lampanelli. Arsenio adds that he also wouldn't want to be on Lisa's team, because she keeps losing. Team Forte all seem to agree that Lou was the least helpful of the bunch, but Trump pushes on the casting decisions again. The team minus Lou all are in agreement that it was better to have actors, because Penn and Dayana in love is just creepy. In any case, Dayana releases Penn and decides to bring Lisa and Lou into the boardroom with her.

The Trumps confab, and Ivanka nails it when she says, "I never really understand Lou's arguments for...really anything that happens in here." He's so out. Lisa and Dayana reiterate all the reasons that everyone has put forth all season for why Lou should go. You can tell that Lou's spirit is broken when he slips and says that he gives a mere 100 percent. He quickly corrects to his usual 110 percent, but I think we can all see the cracks. Lou points out that Lisa just mouths off constantly and in the 75th pot/kettle moment of the episode, Lisa tells him, "Just because you're talking louder doesn't make you right." Ugh, just fire them both. Again, it is the solution to all Celebrity Apprentice dilemmas. Lou talks about how his hearing impairment makes him a little slower to digest things, and Lisa calls him out for using it as an excuse when it's convenient, which is a manipulative tactic. Lou attempts to call her out in return for calling him a fucking loser, and Lisa responds that that is not manipulation, it's just the truth. Ouch. I feel like the "Scared Straight" kids should just start going to coffee with Lisa Lampanelli. Dayana, as is her custom, remains mostly poised and silent.

In the end, Trump fires Lou for a thousand reasons that we all know, the biggest being disloyalty to his team. Finally! Any remaining Hulk-like rage is condensed into more rabbity mouth-twitching, and he takes the ride of shame back to a place where people hopefully appreciate him a little bit more.

week: Puppets, and also Lisa continues to be her usual psychotic self.

Potes is apparently now a Claymate. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.

By Potes

week: Puppets, and also Lisa continues to be her usual psychotic self.

Potes is apparently now a Claymate. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.