Previously: The men failed colossally at a shoe fashion show, so Gene and Wade were both fired. "It was like watching a horse die." Back in the suite, the women are bickering and fighting, because Kelly's joined everyone else in her hate for Liza now. The women are shocked when the men come back two down. Anand tells David he's a virus to the team and is only "here by the stroke of your ass." Does that mean something? David gets overly cocky and tells Steuart to take him into the boardroom if he loses, because David's so not going home. Then Stephanie meets with Michael Rupp, the CEO of Rockport. She's from Montreal, which explains her funny accent. It's all nice and pleasant and very non-Apprentice, especially because he offers her some sort of opportunity to participate in a training program. So boring I fell asleep.
But Trump arrives to wake me and the candidates up and tell us they've named a bus after him or something. He tells them they're having a pedicab challenge today, and Ivanka gives us the details: They have to pass a test to get their license, design and sell a tour, then pedal their asses off. And the winner is the team who makes the most money. Trump's advisers are Ivanka and his son, Eric. Kelly and Anand step up as project managers. Trump wishes them luck, and sends them off to the training facility. They ride through obstacle courses, holding saucers in one hand, etc. The trainer singles out Kelly and Mahsa, saying he's afraid to let them out on the street. Everyone else gets their licenses. Stephanie can't believe they can't ride a bleeping bike, and says they better sell more than anyone else (especially since Kelly's the PM, so should probably really prove herself to avoid firing).
Octane. Anand loves the idea of a gimmick ride, and their concept will be to turn the pedicabs into Roman chariots, with the riders in outfits. They decide to focus on marketing and presales. David, who is possibly in love with Steuart, starts talking about Steuart being naked and his "beautifulness." Ivanka shows up, and Anand tells her what they're doing. She seems impressed until David pipes up to disagree with Anand: "Only in theory!" All the guys hate David now. He and Clint start shushing each other. David, wearing his chariot helmet, interviews later about how he likes to ruffle feathers. Anand just wants to get their job done.
Fortitude. Mahsa and "the three blondes" (which is her description of them, actually; not mine) are scouting locations for their tour route. While they're in the van scouting, they also come up with a plan to do "Babes on Bikes" in sexy outfits at Wall Street to target working men during the lunch hour. Kelly, on the phone with Mahsa and the blondes trusts Stephanie to go there instead of where there might be, oh, I don't know ... tourists. Back at Octane, they're on the street selling pedicab rides. Well, all of them are except David, who's accosting people more than selling them anything. Clint is horrified that David keeps scaring his customers away.
The day, Anand chooses to stay back and sell more tours as he sends the other guys out to drive. Steuart and Clint seem to be doing a great job giving folks tours, explaining what they're seeing. David, on the other hand, is like, "Everyone on this street has money, unlike me. Which is probably why my wife left." He also discusses his military service, and the Patrick Swayze movie, City of Joy. You can't make this stuff up. His passengers don't seem to be enjoying it at all. The women, who didn't presell, seem to be spending most of their time trying to peddle their pedaling bodies. To businessmen, who I can't imagine need to get anywhere. Though some of them do creep it up looking at the ladies. But even the creepers don't pay for a pedicab ride. Liza explains the obvious: Stephanie picked the wrong location. She wants to change the game, so she starts offering free rides, except they're not free. Kelly calls her ladies together and asks what the hell. Stephanie says everyone's panicking, but this is what sales is like, which is why not everyone's in sales. Actually, the reason we are not all in sales is because we don't all like to be phony.
Some guy with a crush on Poppy comes back for a ride. And then people start to head out of their offices for lunch and business picks up. Stephanie says they really sold from 11:30 to 1, when they always had at least one bike on the road. Kelly thinks everyone hustled, but Poppy was especially good and always had someone in her cart. She's struggling to pedal the guys who think she's sexy. The guys seem to have an easier time pedaling and selling. It doesn't look close, but maybe they're editing to make it look that way. David takes a break to eat pizza or something, and Anand says the only difficult part of this task was dealing with David. As the women are trying to make a last push at selling, Eric shows up to monitor them. He asks if she thinks they're beating the guys right now; she says she hopes so. Kelly tells Eric that Poppy's been the top performer today, and Mahsa's pissed because Poppy is, like, 23! And totally cute! I mean, how dare she be young and cute and good?! After Eric leaves, they all get in Kelly's face about it. Poppy thinks they're acting like children, and Brandy thinks Mahsa is showing her insecurities by constantly saying how amazing she is. They're all riding and riding with five minutes left, blah.
Nighttime in the boardroom. Trumplets and candidates sit down, then King Trump joins them. He asks Anand about their theme and who came up with it. Anand tells him about the chariots, and says he wanted to separate themselves. He says it was Clint's idea, and that Clint's a strong player. He says he's very confident in the job their team did, and he thinks they won. Trump asks Clint how they did, and he says he thinks they may have "pulled one out," but he wants to throw David under the bus anyway. He says David's the most classic, schizophrenic human he's ever met. He "cannot find his bottom in the bathtub." He begs Trump to rid them of David before they go any further.
Trump thinks that's very strong, but Steuart completely agrees and says they've nicknamed David the virus. He says he thinks they've won, but they're three against six, not four against six. Anand agrees that it's been almost impossible to micromanage David in a task like this when they're so outnumbered. David says he knew they didn't like or respect him, and the feeling's mutual. Clint begs him to help them, whether they win, lose or draw. Trump says the game's not played that way. "If you win, I can't fire David." Ivanka asks David what he'll do to mend this if they do win, and he says he can make amends but it's whether the other guys will accept it. He says he can change for what he wants, and he wants to win this. He smart-asses that he can put up with these people for that, and Trump point out that wasn't exactly an apology. Clint and David fight some more, with Clint calling David "loopy" and "nuts." Which is totally mild, but David tells him to watching his words. Whatever.
Trump finally turns to Kelly, who says their team dynamic is "obviously" better than the guys', and that their theme, "Babes on Bikes," was collaborative, but Brandy came up with it initially. Trump asks Brandy about it, but she credits the whole team, saying they all agreed they hadn't used sex appeal to their advantage. Trump asks Eric what he noticed, and he says there were some people doing a lot and others definitely doing less. He says Brandy and Poppy were working hard at selling and pedaling, but Kelly wasn't doing as much selling even though she failed her license. She disagrees with him about selling, saying they just have different strategies for selling. Trump asks Kelly who was weakest, and she says that, overall, Liza. He asks why, and instead of being honest and saying she's an easy answer because they all hate her, she says Liza's been exposed to this type of business environment the least. Liza disagrees, because she has worked and had her own business.
Trump asks Mahsa if she thinks they won, and she keeps seeing she hopes they won. He pushes her three times, but she won't say she thinks they won. He asks her who was weakest, and she says Liza made the fewest sales. Liza goes nutso in response, and Trump interrupts that maybe they won, so let's find out. Eric says the women made $320. Ivanka says the men made $950. Clint looks pretty upset. Trump tells Kelly that's not a good performance against a totally dysfunctional group of people. She agrees. He congratulates Anand, and says he'll get to meet with Ivanka's friend, Chuck Davis, the CEO of Fandango and Daily Candy. Trump sends them to their suite to watch the women on TV. Just like us, but with champagne.
The women settle in for a fight. Trump tells Kelly she should be ashamed of her team for not beating the men. Trump asks what Kelly attributes it to, or who she attributes it to. Kelly says she thinks everyone did a good job, but she ultimately thinks they chose the wrong location. Trump does question the Wall Street location, and asks who chose the location. Kelly says Stephanie was assigned to pick the location, but Stephanie tries to say it wasn't her idea and she wasn't assigned that. Trump says they didn't have a chance the minute they decided on Wall Street. Trump asks Stephanie why Wall Street, and she says they made this group decision -- Trump interrupts and says there aren't a lot of tourists on Wall Street.
Stephanie tries to shift the blame by saying Kelly was adamant about $50 rides, but Kelly fights back. Stephanie asks how Kelly could have delegated everything to one person, and Trump agrees Kelly's putting a lot on Liza. Kelly, whose voice is annoyingly indecipherable, tries to yell over Stephanie but it's just white noise from both of them. Trump interrupts and asks Mahsa who to fire. She says Mahsa, because it comes down to sales. Trump asks what the hell it is with Liza, and they all say she sold absolutely nothing. Trump points out that, in fairness to her, he couldn't sell on Wall Street either. Ivanka says these men on Wall Street would be fired if their bosses saw them on the back of a pedicab with "Babes on Bikes."
Trump asks Poppy who he'd fire, and she says Liza. Trump asks Liza what it is with her. Liza says it's embarrassing to them because they're choosing her even though she wasn't to blame for the location. Trump asks Mahsa, who knows New York, how she allowed her team to choose Wall Street. Mahsa says they didn't think moms and kids wanted to get on pedicabs with "Babes on Bikes," so they went to the place with the men with money. Stephanie brings up marketing, and Kelly says "we" were responsible for that. Trump says she doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for herself. She says that's not true and talks indecipherably again. Kelly chooses to bring Liza and Stephanie back to the boardroom. Trump sends the rest of them back to the suite.
The three women line up, and Trump asks Kelly what happened. She says it's very black and white: They lost it because of location, which was up to Stephanie. Stephanie says Kelly's lying, and that she was actually only tasked with sales. Kelly says that location is fundamental to sales. They yell, and Trump tells Kelly to shut it, and Stephanie to "just talk." Meaning "Stop screaming." But she doesn't get it, and she keeps talking like a crazy witch. Trump asks Liza who she'd fire, and she says she'd actually fire Kelly because she was project manager and should have known more about the location. Ivanka asks if it might have been obvious to poll pedicab drivers and ask them what works. It's not rocket science. Kelly says that Stephanie told her targeting tourists wouldn't pay off and she believed her because she had the most sales experience on the team. Stephanie says that sales is not location, and that Kelly lived in New York and should have known better than Stephanie.
Eric asks Kelly what she did, and she says she did marketing and sales and tasked people with duties. She put Stephanie in sales, and she failed miserably. Trump has to shush Stephanie from screaming over Kelly this time. Trump asks if Stephanie wasn't really in the position of sales, not location, and shouldn't Kelly have spoken to Mahsa or someone instead of Stephanie about a location in New York? Trump says it's very simple: Kelly failed the task, and is fired. This is the first episode I've really noticed her, and I won't miss that voice. In the lobby, Stephanie tells Kelly she was the wrong girl to turn against. Kelly tells her to shut up, but it's Stephanie, so she totally won't. Trump tells the Trumplets that was "all too obvious," and they shockingly agree.
Taxicab confession: Kelly says that Stephanie lied about picking the location, because she did choose it and was wrong. But Kelly accepts responsibility for letting the location go. Though she's sure karma will get Kelly soon enough. Kelly's "Steps" segment isn't at all about her having a job, but mostly about her wanting a job. Not really a success story is it.
week: David hasn't changed. He's still a loon. And the women get in a big fight: Brandy vs. Mahsa. And Trump tells someone they shouldn't have lied to him. It's getting dirty. And I still hate them all.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, misses Joan Rivers and Annie Duke; it's that bad. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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