Previously: Sixteen jackasses lost their jobs and no one cared. Except Trump, so he's going to hire one of them. Last week, David sucked. So did Wade. But the women sucked even more, so Tyana was eliminated. Which means we have at least one more week of Mahsa and David. Kill me now. Up in the suite, the men think Mahsa deserves to go, so they're happy to see Liza walk in. They're less happy to see Mahsa. Even her girlfriends seem annoyed at her, and say she's lacking "a certain polish." That's just a high-society way of saying she's a bitch. Wade tells his gang he's going to be the leader this week, for sure. Steuart says Wade's been nothing but a follower... Um, did I miss the episode in which Steuart was project manager? No? Okay, then. "Money, money, money, money..."
After winning last week, Clint gets his chance to hang out with Steve Forbes. It's all platitudes and two-way praise. Eh, boring. I watch this show for the evil backbiting, not these niceties. So let's make this quick: Success. Business. Advice. Future. Millions. Credit. Income. Big. Blah. Then the candidates are all lined up in a shoe store when Trump comes in with Michael Rupp, CEO and president of Rockport. He explains the challenge is to present a fashion show to their key buyers, including Zappos. The men will present the women's line and the women will present the men's line. Trump's advisers this week are Catherine Roman and Juan Betancourt, executive search consultants (aka headhunters). The candidates just about pee their pants, since looking good to headhunters is almost as good as looking good to Trump. Stephanie and Wade are project managers.
Stephanie tells her team things are going to be different for this task, because they're not going to pick on each other's weaknesses. She puts Kelly in charge of creative, assisted by Poppy and Liza; Mahsa's going to be the time manager; Brandy's going to be emcee because she's beautiful and polished. Kelly tries to get going on the creative, but Stephanie immediately talks over her and comes up with her own idea, "A Day in the Life of Tristan," which has something to do with how much Mahsa loved Legends of the Fall. Stephanie wants to be edgy, so Kelly suggests having the guys come out in boxers and shoes for the finale. She immediately thinks it's too much and regrets it, but everyone else is already excited about the idea.
Octane. Wade's laidback and not causing any drama, so naturally everyone hates him. Wade puts Steuart and Anand in charge of models and clothing, because they're stylish and work well together. Gene and David decide to co-emcee. Wade tells David not to be a smart-ass, and David assures him it's not standup comedy. Wade decides that if David is going to work well with anyone, it's going to be Gene. Everyone's worried about David, especially now that he might be hopped up on painkillers because of his tooth. He says something about how you're a sad sack of shit if you're not wearing Rockports, and everyone looks shocked. Oh, and also? The guys have no theme. Basically, both teams are a disaster. Of course.
Then Catherine shows up to check in on the guys. She's super sweet to Wade, asking him how he feels about fashion (he's comfortable with it). Wade is checking in on his team and seeing how everyone's doing. Catherine thinks he's not doing a ton of work, but that he's really thought out how he's delegated everything. The models show up to strut for Anand and Steuart. Gene laughs that it's like putting wolves in the henhouse. After they choose the models they'd like, Anand and Steuart take the models shopping. What a burden their task is. Over at Fortitude, the male models show up and all of the women get totally giddy. Which is understandable, since these men are beautiful. Juan shows up, and Stephanie kisses his ass, making it all about her and how much she has done. Juan's totally bought in, and says the women are doing great and this challenge is theirs to lose.
Kelly and Poppy are shopping with just one model and the measurements of everyone else (figuring it would be way too much to shop with all eight models). Kelly thinks finding clothes (especially the boxers) is the biggest responsibility on this task. The guys, on the other hand, strut all of their models into the mall as the universal music of taking forever picks up. Anand later tells us who his favorite model was, but he lists all of them, basically. Steuart whispers to Anand that he can't believe he told him about his girlfriend. Anand says they're both screwed. More wacky music plays as they shop and shop and shop, and get more and more stressed. It's much harder than Anand expected it to be. And that's not a euphemism. I hope.
Poppy gets back and talks with hair and makeup people, when Stephanie accosts her about the underwear. Apparently, Kelly and Poppy only got one pair of underwear (thinking the finale was just one guy, I guess), so Stephanie lectures Poppy about this being the most important part: "We need the lineup of naked men." I mean, who can argue with that? Stephanie tells Poppy she has to do something about this. Then she shit-talks with Mahsa about what an incompetent loser Poppy is. They're two peas in a pod, those two. It's more humor and less drama (for now) over at Octane. Anand, to a model: "You still have to get your hair done, right?" Model: "No. This is my hair now." Anand: "I like it. It looks great." Hee. Smooth. David practices his opening and closing, and Wade seems impressed. He's also happy with Gene's preparation.
Back at Fortitude, Brandy saves the day by buying eight pairs of black underwear. Then they rehearse for the fashion show, with Kelly instructing the models. Even Mahsa has something nice to say about her (for now). Liza notices a model in shorts has scabs on his legs, which she thinks is going to be a real problem. And just think: He'll also be wearing boxers later. Back at Octane, Gene's in slow-motion Gene mode. David wants to run through their speech, but Gene has nine more shoes to write about. David says he can't baby-sit Gene. When it's time to practice, David and Gene have no idea what they're doing. Catherine's watching it all, in horror. Gene left (probably to finish preparing the speech), but David says he just ran away. Clint thinks Wade better be worried, because this is going to be a disaster. What fun would it be for us if it weren't?
Fashion show. Everyone's seated when Trump shows up in a limo and walks the red carpet. Fortitude goes first. Brandy's well prepared and poised, but pretty boring. She talks all about Tristan's "Day in the Life," one outfit and pair of shoes at a time. Let me tell you: Tristan wears a lot of shoes in one day. Maybe they should have made it "A Weekend in the Life" or something. Backstage, the ladies are stripping the men down to their underwear and greasing them up. Kelly's worrying that this finale could undermine everything they've just done. The crowd reaction to the finale seems mixed, but Trump and Michael Rupp don't look happy.
Octane's turn. Wade tells his team not to worry or stress about this, just to go have fun. David's opening is actually decent, then he passes it to Gene, who reads poorly from his computer. He mispronounces difficult words such as "leather," "color," "breathable," "sling-back," and about a dozen more. Then he mixes up the names of a shoe and a model. The model comes out, and he actually whispers, "Who's this?" David realizes it's going bad, so exits the stage (which can't look good on him in the boardroom, can it? It seems like he should have taken over the dramatic reading). Backstage, the men stress out. Wade shakes his head and actually says, "Unless the women sent naked men out on stage or did something completely stupid, we've absolutely blown this task." Heh. Well, I think they've blown it even though the women sent naked men out on stage. In fact, the women would have had to enact the Spanish tickler on stage to lose this one.
Boardroom. Trump comes in. Dare I hope that he fires everyone? I mean, really ... hasn't he figured out this far in that none of these people should work for him? They all suck. Trump asks Stephanie why Brandy was her emcee, and Stephanie says she represents the definition of Rockport: savvy, sexy, attractive, contemporary. Stephanie thinks Brandy did a fabulous job, and Kelly agrees. Trump asks her if she's emceed before. She has not. Trump thinks she was fantastic. Of course. This is Trump, and she's a woman.
Catherine wonders about the women's choice of the scabby-legged guy to wear shorts. Stephanie deflects instantly: "Kelly and Poppy cast the models." Kelly doesn't know which model, and Trump thinks that's ridiculous. Liza says she did see it and asked Kelly about it, but didn't follow up by mentioning the scabs. Catherine says a number of people in the front row commented on it. Juan asks whose idea it was to have the men come out in their underwear, which was bold but risky. Stephanie tries to say they were really black shorts, but Trump disagrees. Stephanie says they wanted to show off the shoes, and Trump cuts right to it: They blew away the men and he doesn't want to waste more of their time. They're going back to the suite and watching the carnage. Stephanie gets to meet Michael Rupp from Rockport. The women are all hugs and happiness on their way out, as Trump tells the men they were terrible and someone will be fired.
Trump says it wasn't even close, and then asks Wade what that mess was all about. Wade agrees it was a mess, and says he owes Trump an apology. He says he knew it was coming and was embarrassed by it. Trump asks why Wade picks Gene, who's obviously never done this before. Wade says that Gene told him he had public-speaking experience, and he believed him. Trump keeps ridiculing Wade for Gene mispronouncing every word and not making sense. Then he compares him to Brandy. Wade can't disagree, but he really should start throwing Gene under the bus. Trump says he'll use Brandy if he needs a speaker. Wade says he thought Gene would do well, because he has a good voice and carries himself well. Trump agrees, then finally turns to Gene, asking him first why he'd bring in the big computer instead of, oh, I don't know, paper? Trump goes on and on about how bad Gene was at reading and talking, and how he didn't talk about how beautiful the shoes were even though he went into minute details about everything else. Gene says this wasn't the plan, and totally agrees. Trump says that David wasn't great, but he did okay compared to Gene.
Trump asks Gene if Wade was a terrible project manager, and Gene says he did great. Trump's like, "Yeah, right. He picked two guys who were terrible." He says Wade should have chosen Steuart and Anand, who are smoother guys and would have made a nice presentation. Trump says he never would have chosen David, and Gene couldn't have been worse. He asks why Wade didn't pick Steuart and Anand. Wade says they work well together and are stylish, so he had confidence they'd choose a good wardrobe. Wade says that Gene has a nice voice, as you can hear in the boardroom. Trump, pretty angry at this point, says he doesn't know if Gene has a nice voice, but he couldn't fucking read! He mocks Gene's reading skills some more, and thinks Wade should have tested them. Trump says this is the worst job he's ever seen as an emcee.
Trump turns to his adviser Catherine then and says what struck her is how bad it was during the rehearsal. She wonders why no one stopped it, and points out Clint and Anand as having been right there. Clint says he thought Gene just didn't have the paperwork he needed. Trump gets back on Wade about why he didn't know Gene couldn't do this, and Wade says there was no rehearsal because he kept checking in on Gene. Trump interrupts: "Did you check to see whether or not he could perform?" Wade tries to talk to Gene, and Trump stops him. Then Wade tries to say he felt confident in Gene because he's been eloquent. Trump keeps telling Wade to basically shut up. He thinks it's unacceptable that there was no rehearsal, because they would have known Gene sucked. Gene tries to defend himself and says he can speak, but Trump says even the content of his speech was boring. He says that everyone knew they lost as soon as Gene started talking. Can't he just fire them both? And just throw David in for good measure?
Trump tells the women to turn off the TV. The women are shocked that he didn't ask Wade to bring three people back. They think he's going to just fire someone now, and maybe even more than one person. Trump asks Steuart what he thinks of Gene, and what he thought of the decision to use Gene. Steuart thinks it was a major error, but says he was gone most of the day shopping. Trump says the one thing the executives really liked were the outfits. Wade says he chose the two best guys to do it, but was left with all of these other tools. Trump tells him to give him a break.
Wade literally cannot speak without Trump interrupting him. Juan stifles giggles. Anand and Steuart say they were gone four hours and could see it was a disaster when they came back. Trump also wonders how Wade would pick David, since this isn't comedy. Wade says no one questioned his selection when he made it, and they both said they had experience. Trump asks what David thought of Wade choosing him, and David says he was willing to do it. Steuart says he was more than that; he was adamant, and told Wade he's done it over and over again.
Trump asks Steuart why he didn't put his hat in the ring, and David says, "He wants to harass women." Trump asks what that means, and David says he wanted to go spend time with women and pick out bras and stuff. Anand disagrees with that, saying Wade chose them because he sees them as stylish, which has nothing to do with harassing women. Trump tells David that the word harass is pretty harsh, and that Steuart doesn't have to harass women, because he's good-looking. Oh, right. Because good-looking guys never harass, rape, or hurt women. They don't have to, duh. Women just lie down and take it from them willingly. I mean, I was with him up until now, because Steuart didn't appear to do anything remotely harassing, but the argument that he wouldn't do that because he's so good-looking? Horseshit.
Trump asks Juan how he feels, and Juan thinks there are two individuals he'd consider firing, and an emcee is the most important part of a fashion show. Gene steps up and says he'll take responsibility for his poor performance. Trump asks Gene who he'd fire, and Gene says Trump has to make that call. Gene says he wanted to help Wade, and Trump fires Gene. Then he fires Wade. But, sadly, he doesn't fire David. He does send all the guys out with a last, "You were terrible. Terrible." Wade and Gene ride the elevator of shame together. Juan and Catherine agree completely with Trump, just like good little "advisers."
Wade's taxicab confession: He got fired for putting too much faith in himself, which he swore he wouldn't do. Gene's: He says it doesn't feel good, and he let his project manager and his team down, so he got fired. Rockport Steps tells us that Gene's started his own company: an assisted living facility; and Wade's the best known real estate agent in Minnesota, which has been good. His dream is to own as much real estate as Trump. Yeah, good luck.
week: The teams will create pedicab touring companies. The women turn on the sex appeal, and David turns everyone off. They nickname him the virus, and Clint begs Trump to fire him.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, can't find anyone to root for. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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