Previously: Bret and Holly were chosen as the final two, and then they began their Snapple tasks. Tonight, says announcer guy, it's the final showdown. And someone will become the... Celebrity Apprentice. A title that means very little, really, unless you want to appear on this show in the future and help judge people. (Though, granted, it means something to charity.) "Money, money, money..." Now with live applause, mostly for Bret, naturally. Curtis, Goldberg, Cyndi, Holly and Sharon also got their shares.
Now we're back in the past (this timeline is so confusing), where Bret's looking like a shrimp to Darryl, and still freaking out about not having a dolly for his video shoots. He decides to use a stool on wheels instead, and says he's a rock 'n' roll MacGyver. The live audience loves it. He talks passionately about how much he wants to find a cure for diabetes, especially now that his daughter's borderline diabetic. He's multitasking, leading Summer and Darryl, helping dress the models (including Darryl), helping with the ad. Darryl thinks people don't give Bret enough credit for how creative he is, and he thinks Bret really pulled it all together. After Bret cuts on the commercial, Ivanka comes in looking glamorous, and they tell her what they're doing. She isn't sure why he'd do two commercials instead of focusing on one great concept. She says we'll see if it was time well-spent.
Holly's team. She's already sending Maria to the edit bay. Because it went so well the last time Holly put Maria in charge of editing video. But Maria goes, saying her whole job is to be supportive. After she leaves, Ivanka shows up to spy on Holly and Curtis. Holly demonstrates her PowerPoint and then tells Ivanka about their commercial, which she says is funny. Ivanka thinks Holly's team seems calmer, but may have played it too safe. We'll have to see about that, too, of course. Holly says autism's a global epidemic. Back with Bret, he has to get to the edit facility, so he leaves Summer and Darryl behind to finish the PowerPoint and three-page ad layout. Bret felt like he was forgetting something when he left, and sure enough, he left the commercial voiceover script behind. We pan out to the live audience, where Trump tells us there's a big night planned: All of our favorite celebrities will be here. Okay, well, probably just the ones from this show, to be fair. And Cyndi will perform.
After commercials, Trump's yelling at the camera some more. He says that to be the Celebrity Apprentice, you have to be smart, driven and have great hair. He says Holly, Bret and he all share those attributes. Back to the past. Holly's team, with less than two hours remaining. She says she's happy to have her teammates here to help her, because she still has the PowerPoint to finish up. But then Curtis reminds Holly he has to go marry one of his best mates tonight. Holly lets him go, but she really wishes he'd followed through and hung in with her. She whines that it's not impossible, but it requires her to be superhuman. "In the end, it's really just me alone." How profound. With one hour and 16 minutes remaining (yeah, right), Bret calls Summer to see if he left his script there. Summer can't find it either, so Bret thinks he's totally screwed in the edit bay. She and Darryl look, but they basically can't figure out Bret's writing, which Summer says is worse than any doctor she's ever seen. Bret tells his editor that everything got "discombuberated." Again. Bret and his editor decide to go forward and make it happen, script or no script. He's going to find a way to make it work. Bret says it's his life story: "Live without a script." He jokes with the editor that Snapple might just fire him from this chair.
Darryl and Summer show up, and Bret tells them to take it in stride, because it's a work in progress. But he's decided that, without a script, he can't make two commercials, so he's going to do just the funny one. Summer watches it, looking confused, and tells us she doesn't get it at all. Then she tells Bret there's a launch event the day. Uh, duh. There always is in the finale. Summer doesn't think Bret's even a little bit concerned about the launch event, because he's so focused on the commercial.
Back in the "live" "boardroom" with Trump, he welcomes back Carol, Sinbad, Rod, Michael, Selita and Cyndi. Cyndi gets a GIANT amount of applause. She's wearing a tight leather thing with big, blond hair, and she's looking awesome. Trump once again tells Rod how brave he is, and he again thanks Trump and repeats he's innocent (the whole audience laughs), but Rod keeps going. Then Trump asks the celebrities who thinks Rod's guilty and no one raises their hand, until finally Michael does. Trump asks Cyndi if she'd go through that stress again. She says she's grateful he let her come on the show and raise awareness and $45,000 for the gay community. Trump says she does a great job and asks what she's performing. She says it's I'm Just Your Fool, a song from her new album that's coming out on June 22, her birthday. He asks Michael if he could have made it to the end if he'd stayed. Michael says he thought so at the time, but watching Bret and Holly, he isn't sure, because it obviously got much more difficult as it went on. Michael says Bret's a warrior, and he knew that coming in. He says Holly is, too, but he didn't get to spend as much time with her.
Back in the past, Holly's in the place where they're going to do their presentation. They walk by Bret's label, and don't think it's good because he incorporated himself into the label. They also can't read something about it. Basically, they hate it. Shocker! Bret shows up at his own presentation room, and thinks he should serve from behind the bar. He is surprised he's in such a humongous arena, but he tells himself he can do it. He does a run-through for Darryl and Summer, who give him lots of pointers. Until his daughter, Raine, comes running in shrieking and gives him a giant hug. Summer wipes away tears as Bret calls his daughter "Boo." Summer says the look on Bret's face when he saw his daughter was like he was in a dream. Bret introduces her to Darryl and Summer, who says Raine being borderline diabetic makes her want to win this even more for him. Bret asks if they knew she was coming, and Summer's like, "Are you kidding? I wouldn't be crying like this." Bret says he's going to fight even harder now, because he really wants to win. He hugs her goodbye and tells her how much he loves her.
Trump brings back the four celebrities who came back to help the finalists: Summer, Darryl, Maria and Curtis. Trump asks Summer if she's happy about what being on the show did for her charity. She says it was great, and Lifelock and Norton donated more. Trump apologizes to Maria and then replays her telling Curtis he's arrogant for pooping, ending with Trump saying, "It's, like, disgusting." After watching it, she and Curtis both crack up. Trump asks her what she was thinking, and she says she was disappointed in herself. She thanks him for letting her be on the show and says it was a lapse in judgment. Trump is glad she said that, and Curtis nods, but you can tell he's thinking, "Thanks for showing the conversation about me pooping on national television two weeks in a row. Once was not enough." Trump asks Curtis if he can believe what a big star he's become, and Curtis asks if he wants 10 percent. Trump actually would like 25. Curtis also thanks Trump for letting him come onto the show to talk about Feeding America. Trump tells Darryl the Mets could use him, and asks if he liked the show. Darryl says the show made him decide he could be an entrepreneur, so he's opening a restaurant in Queens. Trump tells Darryl he's a special guy. Then sends us back to the task in the past.
Trump promotes both teas and then sends us back to the show. Oh, and he hopes we're having a great time. In the past boardroom, both teams come in and greet Don and Ivanka, then Trump makes his entrance. Trump asks Bret how Summer and Darryl did. He says they were both amazing, and he can't answer who did better. Trump says that's good, because they've already been fired. Trump tells Darryl he's very proud of him for coming back, and Darryl says he feels good to be back, but he was tired because he's had cancer and has one kidney so his body was worn down. Trump gives the Darryl Strawberry Foundation (for kids with autism) $25,000. Darryl thanks him, and everyone cheers. Trump tells Bret that he's never liked diet drinks, and wonders if that puts Bret at a disadvantage. Bret says no, because he feels the diet market is an exploding brand and that people want that. Ivanka says she would hope the executives would judge the diet differently. Don says Bret had to do a diet drink because of his charity, and that Bret did a good job masking the diet flavor.
Trump asks Holly how she did, and she thought she did well, but Trump and Don want to know why she didn't use any of her celebrities, which could have helped her. She says she was more focused on integrating her charity and less focused on celebrity. Trump asks how much she focused on the drink, and she says she was lucky to have Curtis's palate, and Trump and Ivanka agree that was an advantage. Moving on to Bret's tea name, Trop-A-Rocka. He says they knew it was summer, and he's a rockstar. Bret loves the name, but Trump and Holly both think Compassion Berry is much better. Bret says he thought that's where Holly would go, and agrees it's very strong. Ivanka says Bret integrated himself as a very effective celebrity spokesperson, which helped him a lot. Ivanka loved the description on the side of the drink, which sounded like Bret but also sounded like Snapple. Trump says the executives thought Bret's label was too dark and they loved Holly's. Trump calls it a draw on the three-page ads, because Holly has a better cover but Bret has a better inside spread. (Isn't that two pages versus one? So... not a draw?) Trump asks Curtis and Maria about Holly, and they both love her. Ivanka says the executives loved how she asked questions and said she could be on their board, but that Bret was Snapple. Or Snapple-licious, or whatever. Trump asks Summer if Bret was good, and she says he was. Ivanka and Trump asks Summer who she wants to win, and she won't really answer the question. The live audience heckles her as we go to commercial.
When we're back, Trump repeats his question, and she says she'd choose Bret in this situation because she worked hard for him. Trump asks if Bret was actually a good project manager, and she says she doesn't think it comes down to that in the final. She won't say he was good, and finally says he was decent. Bret says he knows that Summer's heart is with Holly, and her mind and work are with this task. Trump asks what Darryl thinks of Summer's tepid endorsement of Bret. He says he understands her relationship with Holly is real, but he says that Bret was a great project manager. Trump says he expected Summer to say that and, if he were Bret, he would like Darryl. Darryl sticks up for Summer, saying it was her first time with Bret. Trump tells both Summer and Darryl they did a good job, and then brings Curtis and Maria into it, too. He lays it on thick and then tells them to leave, because he's going to be firing someone. Bret holds Summer's chair, and Trump says he wouldn't do that. Trump adds, "Summer, you were great. For Holly!" Hey, when did he get so intentionally funny. Trump does his serious forward stare and "This is tough."
Then, live, Trump says people are wondering if Bret will be here tonight and he will be. The audience goes nuts. Trump says deciding who will win is tough, so it never hurts to get help. He brings back Bill and Joan to give him some tips. They sit across the table from Trump and the Trumpsters, and I sort of wish Joan and Bill would go head to head and one of them would be fired. Joan tells Trump how much more money she makes now, thanks to being on the show. Trump asks her who she would pick, and she says it's tough. Holly's a mother, fighting for her child. But Bret, "you talk about no sick days." She says the determination to come back from death's door is extraordinary. Trump says that, in Bret's situation, 50 percent of the people don't even make it to the hospital. Joan says that, business-wise, it should be Holly, but, screw that, it's Bret. Bill says that he likes both of these two, which is why he chose them last week. He says that the popular opinion isn't always the right one. Joan says Bill's wrong and they do start arguing. Oh my goodness, I'm getting my wish. And Joan points out what I wanted someone to say, which is that Bret's also fighting for his child. Trump asks Rod who he chooses, and Rod says that Trump can't fire Bret because sometimes you have to go with your heart. Rod is such a robot that it's hard to believe he even has a heart.
Back in the "live" "boardroom," Trump introduces Holly, whose family cheers for her in the audience. She hugs all the other "celebrities" -- and, by the way, where is Sharon? Trump tries to make Holly sit, but she says she's standing for Bret, and Trump agrees she should. His parents are there, and his dad's wearing a bandanna, like his. His mom looks a little nervous. He walks in with a very serious-looking limp and gets a huge round of applause, and gets warm applause and hugs from all of the "celebrities," including Holly, who's crying. Trump tells her it's beautiful she's crying, and she says, "Who in America isn't?" Then she says her own son woke up this morning and said, "Mom, I love you but I'm kinda pulling for Bret." Trump asks Bret about his doctors and mentions he spoke with them; Bret says they were amazing, and he also thanks Trump and his family for all of their well-wishes. Trump says that Bret's doctors didn't want him to be here tonight, at all, and Bret agrees. Trump asks him if he's risking his life, and Bret says that lately it seems like just standing up is risking his life. He says he's like a medical experiment, and it's been a rough go. He says he's glad he's here and it is a risk, but, all respect to Holly, he didn't travel all this way to lose.
Trump says Holly's beautiful, and Bret -- not one to change, even on his death bed -- says she's wearing a baby-making dress and now he understands all the kids. Trump asks Holly what her reaction was when she heard about Bret. She says that she and Bret became very close on the show, so there is no animosity like last year. She says she'd spoken to him after the appendectomy, and when she heard about the brain hemorrhage, she was devastated. She says they all were, and were calling each other. All the "celebrities" nod. Trump says Holly's tears are nice, because it's not like Joan and Annie Duke. He asks if maybe she's lost her front-runner status through something that's no fault of her own. She says that she saw her HollyRod logo on a Snapple bottle today, so she feels great about that, and she did lose some of her drive to win when she sees Bret on People magazine and on Oprah, lucky to be alive. Trump asks Bret if he feels like he'll win because of a sympathy vote. He says he was going to say -- until he saw Holly's dress and realized she was playing the hotness card -- that he'll take any vote he can get, whether it's for sympathy or otherwise. And, I think he should add, that he was a legitimate contender even before this happened. He had more wins than Holly (who had the most losses), and seemed to please the executives on this final task. I wish someone would point that out.
Trump asks them to both talk about their charities. Bret talks about the American Diabetes Association and that this is what he's going through and now his daughter is borderline, too. Holly talks about the HollyRod Foundation, which she emphasizes is not for her child, but is for other children who don't have the resources her family does. Trump reminds everyone that Holly raised $347,000 and some for her foundation, and that the whole cast raised "millions." I'm not sure if that's accurate, since he calls this the number one show all the time. He introduces Cyndi's song, and tells Holly it has to be for Bret if that's okay. Cyndi Lauper's obviously awesome, but this isn't my favorite song. Although George is clapping along in the front row, and Melania is even nodding her head a bit. Cyndi dances right up onto the boardroom table, and Trump tries not to look awkward as she rolls around. She hugs Holly and Bret when she's done, and announcer guy reminds us we'll find out who wins after the commercials.
Trump tells Holly and Bret that one of them will soon be the Celebrity Apprentice. Trump asks Holly why her, and she says she took it on, nervous about leaving her four kids and husband. She says she thought about what she could do if she went on the show and she wanted to bring awareness for autism. She says she's not as mean as she seemed on the show, and she even almost left when her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, but her mom told her to stay and win money for HollyRod. She says she's awesome and passionate, and Trump adds that she's capable. Then he asks Bret why him, and he says it's simple: He came here to win, and he fought with everything he had. He says he was the first project manager, and he won that project and the other one he led. He says he's loyal and he wanted to win, but didn't have to cut anyone's throat to do it. He says he came in late the first day and his rocker time helped him out because he can run on fumes. He says he puts everything in all the time, and Trump agrees he always does. He says he put his neck on the line, which sometimes dragged him back into the boardroom. Trump asks Don what he thinks, and Don says he knew Holly would be here from Day One, but not so much with Bret, who's made him a believer. He says it's really amazing to see him here, and it's going to be a really tough decision. Ivanka agrees, and tells Holly that as a businesswoman and mother, she's a phenomenal woman. She tells Bret that he's a force of nature and it doesn't come down to head versus heart, because he has reason to be here on merit. Uh, thank you for that, FINALLY, Ivanka. Trump says he'll name a winner... after the break. Which includes Trump in a Snapple commercial. We just cannot escape him.
Back in the "boardroom," Trump tells Holly and Bret they both deserve to win and both of their charities deserve to win, so he's spoken to Snapple, who has agreed to match the $250,000, so each charity will get $250,000. Bret's making the audience stand up, and Holly's in tears again. Trump tells her to stop crying, but he still has to choose a winner. Uh, why? They both just got the prize, didn't they? Sort of anti-climactic and feel-good for Trump, isn't it? Trump tells Bret that he's been popular and everyone's loved him, and he's also proven to be very brave, which he appreciates and so does everyone. He tells Holly she's won more money than anyone on either show. He tells her "we all love you," but he hires Bret, who gets super-excited, but hopefully not so excited as to hurt his brain. This is stressful. He and Holly hug, and then all of the other "celebrities" come in to hug them. Trump says he'll be back in the fall with the regular Apprentice. That'll be a nice break from "celebrities," won't it? See you there.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, doesn't think it's really fair that the winner and loser got the same prize. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.