By DeAnn Welker
New York skyline porn, as announcer guy tells us it's down to the wire. We get clips of the season, mostly in the boardroom with people loving and hating each other. Clips of Sharon being sick, Darryl wanting to be fired. Last week, Sharon's team won (with Curtis and Maria), and Cyndi was fired from Holly's team, even though it really should have been Holly. Not that I'm bitter or anything. RockSolid makes their predictions: Maria thinks Cyndi will be fired, but Sharon and Curtis don't. When Sharon sees Holly come in, she screams, "Yes! Yes!" Which surprised me a little. So, the five of them start to celebrate a little including Sharon flashing her bra and singing Do You Think I'm Sexy? Then the phone rings, beckoning all of them back to the boardroom. Bret assumes this is very bad for him. Curtis is in the bathroom, and Bret's like, "Don't do a deuce, Curtis." He is such a twelve-year-old. How can you not love that? "Money, money, money." Have we seen Bret without his bandana in this entire season?
Boardroom. Trump, Don, and Ivanka are all there. Ivanka must have shown up just for this second boardroom, since Richard LeFrak was there a second ago -- if this really happened as they're pretending. Trump congratulates them all, but says he's going to fire one more right now and then the remaining four will be interviewed by former Apprentices Joan and Bill, and then he'll fire two more. The two left will face off in the final task.
He asks Holly first why he shouldn't fire her. She says she works hard, and has been a good project manager. He asks Bret, who says he works hard and is diabetic, so his charity chose him. He asks Curtis, who says he started young fighting for his dream, and Maria smirks because she says they all started young. She wants to keep fighting. Trump asks Holly who's the weakest player left, and she says Maria, because her play comes from the least pure place sometimes. She says Maria sticks up for herself in the boardroom at the expense of others, without provocation, and Maria says it's always supported. Then she says Holly's had a rough life, as a mother, and Trump thinks that's nice and true. Holly agrees. Trump asks "My Sharon" who isn't the strongest player at this table. Sharon asks in what category, and Trump says overall. Ivanka and Don can't believe Sharon can't give an answer, and Don says maybe she's the weakest then. Sharon says it's Maria then, and that's who she really means. Sharon says Holly's strong, good at everything, and she's a lioness fighting for her children. She says she had cancer and watched people die, but that's nothing compared to fighting for your child. Ivanka asks Sharon if she can beat Holly, and Sharon says she doesn't know if she wants to. Uh-oh, Sharon. Trump questions her, and Sharon cries that she doesn't know, because she doesn't know what she'd do if she had a child that wasn't well. She doesn't know if she has the right to take that away from Holly. Ivanka is clearly not happy about this, and says all of their charities have merit.
The good feelings are over when Trump asks Curtis who's the weakest player, and Curtis says Maria, who made some unfounded comments in the boardroom. She says she called him arrogant because he took a crap in their bathroom and stunk it up. Don asks how that's arrogant, and Curtis says this is a good depiction of her character, because it's below the belt. Trump agrees, and then asks Maria if she regrets having said that. She starts blabbering about how he said it was unfounded, but it wasn't because there was a reason. AS IF SHE DOESN'T POOP! Trump asks her if it isn't sort of gross to bring that up. He says this is his boardroom, not a locker room, and then fires her. Of course. She thanks him for the opportunity, and leaves awkwardly. Like we all knew she would. She's crying in her post-interview that the experience was amazing until those last ten minutes when she was fired for Trump not liking her comment. Right. Because she wouldn't been fired anyway. Trump sends the others off to wait for their interviews with Joan and Bill. He, Don, and Ivanka talk about how it's a great group. Don's glad to finally see the emotion come out in all of them.
The four congratulate each other in the waiting room. Holly's excited to sell herself, but Bret's totally nervous. Curtis is the first one called in; he says he plans to be honest, like he's been through the whole game. Commercials. Afterward, Trump greets Joan and Bill, and he asks Joan what she thinks of Bill. He tells her regular Apprentice was the "number one show on television." At Trump's house only. He asks what Joan thinks of the ensemble.
First: Curtis. Joan thinks he's riding on being good-looking, because she's had lots of good-looking guys like him walk right past her. Bill says Curtis knows how to build a brand, which Trump should identify with. Curtis tells Bill why he's here: for his charity. When Bill says that's a canned answer, Curtis says he's a natural leader in kitchens. Bill calls him out on only having been project manager once, and Curtis realizes that's not good, but he wants to win for Feeding America. Bill accuses him of being here to sell some pots and pans, and Curtis says all of them come partly to build their profile. Joan won't let Curtis talk about his charity either, and when he says he's a good leader, she asks why he deferred to Bret so much. He says that he did a good job harnessing Bret's energy for creative tasks. He tells her he dislikes Maria most, and would like her to see his nice, clean toilet at home. Joan and Bill think Curtis is a one-trick pony because what he does is very limited.
Joan and Bill aren't in such agreement on Sharon. Joan thinks she wants this more than she's ever wanted anything in her life, but Bill thinks she's out of gas. Bill asks Sharon if she's up to the task, and asks if it's fair to the others. She says she can handle it, if she can handle two years of fighting cancer. She tells him she hasn't been able to pull her weight, but she's somehow here. He says she clearly hasn't raised the most money, but she says she deserves to be here more than anyone. He asks if she's a fighter, and she says no one's given her anything in her life, which is great because she doesn't owe anyone a thing. Joan brings up her saying she wouldn't want to win over Holly. She gets teary and admits that with Holly fighting for her child, it's hard to compete against her. Joan says she admits it. Sharon says she never thought she'd be here, fighting for her charity, because she thought if she started one people would throw money at it, but no one cares about your colon "because it's up your ass and it's not sexy." I'm not touching that one. So to speak. She says she made a deal to give back if she survived. Joan tells Trump that Sharon's not wishy-washy, given everything she's done in her life, and Bill agrees, but says this has been very tough for her.
Trump asks how this cast compares to last year's, and Joan says "not as volatile." Because there's no Annie. [No "whore pit vipers" makes this a dull show. -- Angel] Trump asks about Bret, and Bill says he has the fire and the passion, and he owned up to having made mistakes, which Bill likes. He says that says a lot about his character. Bill asks Bret about being scattered and whether he will be able to focus. Bret says there's one side of him that's creative, and another side that's driven to succeed because of being diabetic. He's here for one reason: so that no one else has to go through what he went through. Bret also says he's rolled with the punches and been agile and willing to change in his career. He says the harder he's worked, the luckier he's gotten. He tells Joan that his life has been focused on taking care of his business and his passion. He says his weakness is he lives on musician/rock star time. He says he's been his own boss forever, for better or worse. He's been running on little sleep. Joan says everyone says how nice he is, and wonders if he needs to be tough. He tells her not to mistake his kindness for weakness, because he's gotten more bees with honey than vinegar. He wants to win by winning, not by throwing someone under the bus. Joan tells Trump that Bret's an artist and wants this, but she didn't see the fire. Bill disagrees, and says he's very passionate about diabetes because of himself and now his daughter.
On to Holly. Joan says Holly's living this, because it's not over for her when she leaves here. She goes home to deal with autism, which makes her strong. Bill thinks her two losses as project manager are a big problem, even though she raised a lot of money in one task. When he interviews her, he asks about the money she raised being a record. She says that's not all she did, though; she's not worried if she goes forward and it's not fundraising. Bill points out she has more losses than anyone else as project manager here, but she says she also has the most at-bats. He tells her she has to deliver a win, though. Joan asks Holly what she will look back on and be the most proud. She says she's learned she's more resilient than she thought, and didn't break down and go home. She says she probably could bump into Maria and it would be fine, but not so much with Cyndi or Carol. But she says this was business for her, not personal. Joan tells Trump that Holly's a mother, who wants this for her child, and everyone else should look out. Bill agrees she's an ass-kisser. Joan would like to see Sharon vs. Holly, because they're both connected to their charities. Bill says Bret's more connected to his charity. Joan agrees he's terrific, too, but she wants him to fight tougher.
The contestants continue to wait, in the same clothes, until Trump calls them back in to the boardroom. Bret tells the others on the way in how awesome it's been already. Trump tells them how proud they all should be, because they've really done a great job. He says two people will be fired, but there's no loser here. He asks Sharon how her interviews went, and she thought they went well, but felt a little better about Joan, because Bill's hard to read. Trump says Joan felt very strongly about Sharon, but why should he choose her. She says she made a commitment to her charity and has to see it through. That just doesn't sound like passion to me. He asks Bret how his interviews went, and he thought they both went great, though the interviewers took very different approaches. Trump asks him why he should keep him. Bret says he's creative, focused, a hard worker, and he's lived with this disease his entire life and is here in hopes they'll find a cure so kids won't have to go through what he did. He asks Holly, who says she was more comfortable with Joan, and it was tough, but in the end, she was happy with the interviews. Trump asks why he should keep her, and she says that she has passion. He says everyone does, and she agrees, but says there are differing degrees. Trump asks Curtis about his interviews, and which one he preferred. He liked Bill more, because he asked more business questions and Joan focused more on personal. Trump asks him why he should stay. He says he's the best leader in the group, and then says Trump put him in an awkward position, with two people who openly didn't like him, and he won them over. Trump says that Joan said he's a wonderful guy, but not very passionate, and Bill said he's a one-trick pony. He says they both came out pretty strongly against him, and even when Curtis tries to defend himself, Trump says he has to listen to Joan and Bill, who won for him, and he fires him. Curtis says he understands, and thanks Trump for the opportunity to spotlight Feeding America. They shake hands across the table, and Trump tells Curtis it's been an honor. Everyone tells Curtis they love him. Sharon's a little teary again. Curtis says he's never been fired and was disappointed not to raise more money, but he thinks he did a good job. "And if you've gotta be fired, you might as well be fired by Donald Trump, right?"
Back in the boardroom, Trump says Curtis is a nice guy, and they all agree. Then he asks Holly who he should fire. She says probably Bret, because Sharon's passion has come out in the last couple of tasks. Trump says she made it a long way before it came out, though, but Holly says to look at her. "She feels it." Trump says there's no question about that. And I have to say I feel Trump's pain on this final decision because these three all have such personal ties to their charities. Trump asks Bret who he should fire. Bret says he would fire Holly, but before he can say why, Sharon breaks down crying and Trump asks her why. She says she doesn't want to be a loser. Trump asks Sharon who she would fire, and she says she can't because the three of them are so emotionally involved. Trump agrees, and says that makes it tougher for him. Trump asks Sharon if she can compete with, let's say Holly, in the finals, or Bret, who's been a winner in every sense of the word and hasn't lost as project manager. Sharon says she's strong enough; she died and came back. She says she's a fighter. Trump says she's amazing, but it's going to be tough to compete with these two. She agrees they're all fighters, and want it really badly. Trump says that Bill felt strongly that Sharon can't compete with these two right now. She says he doesn't know her and she's gone through much worse than this, and she comes back. Trump tells Holly and Bret that they're both fantastic, then tells Sharon he loves her and she's a special woman, but he fires her. Sharon hugs everyone goodbye, and Holly's crying a little. She says she doesn't cry. Trump says it's not easy; Sharon's a good woman. On her way out, Sharon sweetly tells Trump that his children are a delight. Sharon says she was saying to herself, "Will you stop fucking crying, you silly old bat? It's like, 'Enough.' "
In the boardroom, Trump congratulates Bret and Holly and sends them back to their suite. On the way out, Bret tells Holly he's sorry he has to kill her tomorrow, but right now; let's party. Bret tells Holly he'll get her drunk and hung-over so she can't compete. She says she's not underestimating Bret like everyone else did, but she wants "to beat that Unskinny Bop." They toast to all being fair in love, war, and raising money for their charities.
day, Holly and Bret meet Trump, Don, Ivanka, and a couple of other executive-looking types. Trump tells them the final task is a combination of everything they've done so far, and it will be about Snapple. With him is Larry Young, the chief executive of Snapple. Larry fills them in on the task: They'll create a new flavor of Snapple tea, extend the advertising campaign with commercial and print ad, and they'll launch the project at an event filled with employees, distributors, and fans. He introduces senior vice president of brand marketing Andrew Springate, who says they'll be judged on originality, creativity, incorporating their charity's mission and message, and maintaining the essence and spirit of the Snapple brand. Holly's super excited to incorporate her fifth child, which is her charity. Trump says the product launch will take place at Arena, and the winner will get $250,000 for charity. Oh, and their Snapple tea will be sold all across the country in support of their charities. Holly's already won $350,000 for her charity, and Bret's won $140,000. Trump says he'll send them help soon, and sends them on their way.
Bret heads to the Snapple "mixology laboratory" so he can have a plan all ready when he meets his teammates. He gets his stuff all laid out and organized, when Summer and Darryl come in. Bret says he was like, "Yes!" when he saw them, which seems weird since it's Bland and the Quitter. Summer thinks it's a hard task to walk into. Darryl wanted to come back and redeem himself. Bret says he has a cold sore from stress, so Summer might have to lead the taste test at the mall. Holly's hoping for Summer to be one of her teammates, because she feels like they really connected (she better not sabotage Bret), but in walk Maria and Curtis. Hey, at least not Cyndi. Maria apologizes for not being Summer. Holly's just happy to have help at this point. Holly explains the task, which they have three days to complete. Maria suggests some ideas, and Holly basically shuts her down. But Maria keeps suggesting stuff anyway. Maria interviews that she's not going to fight for things this time, since it's Holly's task.
Holly's Snapple development scientist shows up, so they can pick their flavor. Bret and Holly have to have totally different flavors, so they have to split all the flavors down the middle and then negotiate. Both teams mix and taste. Curtis tells her which drinks to get rid of if it's coming out in summer, and Holly says she has an advantage with Curtis, who knows the palate thing. Bret's focusing on diet Snapple, which is good, because that totally incorporates his charity, right? He wants cinnamon and passion fruit, as a rock 'n' roll passion thing. Unfortunately, Holly and Curtis really want passion fruit, too. She wants to mix it with strawberry and make Compassion Berry. Summer tells Bret he has to fight hard to keep cinnamon and passion fruit, but he's confused about which day of the task he's on, and wonders how many guys and girls are in the ad. No, really. That happened. Summer tells him to fight for passion fruit, which is his number one. Holly lets Curtis be her negotiator, and he says he'll wipe the floor with Bret to get passion fruit. It's so weird they both decided on the same number one flavor. Oh, the drama of fighting for passion fruit.
Bret says he thought Summer would be a spy, since she's Holly BFF, but she's been smart and strong for him. Curtis comes in to negotiate, which Bret thinks will be tough, since he's a celebrity chef. Bret shows his hand right away, and says what he wants. Curtis thinks Bret's second combinations are pretty weird. Bret tells him he won't give him passion fruit; that would be kicking him right in the nards. His words, not mine. Curtis pretends they wanted all the same stuff, and Bret ultimately gives up the passion fruit. Curtis thinks Bret gave it up a little bit easy, making Curtis think Bret was bluffing. Bret pretends he didn't want passion fruit anyway, then says, "I'm lying. I did." Curtis comes back in and tells Holly it was like taking candy from a baby, and he feels bad. The women are impressed that he got everything on her list. When Summer and Darryl come back in, Bret tells them they lost passion fruit, which doesn't make Summer happy. She wants to see the actual video of the negotiation of Bret giving up. Oh, just wait, Summer. You will.
morning. Bret's team shows up to work on their print ad and commercial. Bret wonders how you can make a diabetes message funny, and Darryl thinks you don't. Summer thinks you can be subtle. He wants to do two ads, so they can show them they were so good with their time management they came up with two ads: a sincere one and a funny one. Summer thinks they barely have enough time to shoot one commercial, because they also have to do the three-page ad. Holly shows up in her workspace while Curtis and Maria are on their way to the prop house. Holly's already started working on a script for the commercial, so she starts calling about casting.
Curtis and Maria arrive at the prop house, and he still doesn't tell his friend, Amanda, that he didn't make it this far. Maria thinks it's so funny seeing women swoon over Curtis. Because, you know, she totally pretends she hates him, which is a much more effective way to deal with her crush. Bret's bottles arrive, and Curtis loves the way it looks. Summer says there's no denying what their message will be. Snapple sends one character over for them, the explorer guy, whose name is Arthur. Their funny concept is for Arthur and Bret to be two bad actors hired to do a Snapple commercial. Bret casts Darryl as the director in the commercial, and then they put Darryl on contacting casting. Summer says her full-time job is getting Bret to focus. She gives him a schedule and he says he loves her.
Holly's Snapple actor is Jim, who jokes that he doesn't do nudity. She loves him, and then gets others to cast as more guys in a lab. While Holly's auditioning everyone, Jim interjects with some jokes. Holly can't fire her actors, so she asks Curtis to do it for her. She wants to keep Lauren, Natalie, and Mike. Curtis says he was ready to fire people, since he just got fired. When he tells them who's in it, their commercial guy, Jim, is like, "I thought I was in this? Are you letting me go?" Okay, he's pretty hilarious. Then he asks Curtis if he's a female wrestler. Ha! He's playing racquetball at the end of this commercial, which Arthur's also in.
Back with Bret's team, he says Summer and Darryl are in charge of casting, but he forces them to send a hot girl over instead of the funny girls. When the hot girl shows up, Bret just tells her she'll have to hang out in makeup and wardrobe. It's a few more hot girls, one after the other. Darryl says the hot girls are a major distraction for him, so they have to try to keep him on course. Summer says she needs to talk to Bret about the print ad, but she can't get him to break away. He flirts with the girls about how hot they are. Holly's team is setting up their commercial set, and Curtis has all sorts of real fruit. Holly's happy to have Curtis to do stuff like that without her even telling him to. Curtis helps out with the still photos, so Holly can focus on the commercial. The print ad concept is to have a kid standing on a map of the world made up of puzzle pieces, with a kid holding a Snapple on the piece that's missing. Holly's overshooting, because she learned from last time she had to make a commercial. Holly's decided to go funny and tag the commercial with the connection to autism.
Bret asks Summer to help him write the script for the serious commercial. The concept for that one is for Bret and Arthur to stand there with a camera pushing in on them as they say that Snapple's helping diabetes. They're going to use a thirty-second dolly that will stop right when Bret finishes talking. They don't have a dolly at this place they're working, though, so Bret starts making some calls. He finds out that he's not going to be able to get the dolly without spending a couple hours and buying insurance or something. So he freaks out, and Summer says she gets it, because when you get an idea and find out the important part of it won't happen, it's hard. Holly's team finishes shooting their commercial. Bret's still making calls to keep trying to get a dolly, and he says if they don't get it, they're going to lose. I think that's all editing to make it look like he did worse than ends up doing.
week: Finale! Holly cries about autism. Bret cries about diabetes. Bret's daughter shows up during the task, and Summer wipes away a tear. They both want to win, and the announcer guy tells us they'll both be there, live, and one will hear from Trump that he or she is the new Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, come on! It has to be Bret. It would be such a feel-good happy ending for the guy after what he's been through.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, wants a Snapple. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.