Previously: The Statue of Liberty stood in New York. A lot of people lived and worked there. One of them was Trump, who wants us to know how hard-working we all are in America, even in a bad economy. This season, they're here to do their part to raise money for causes who need money even more than ever. That's why 14 "celebrities" are here, putting their careers and lives on hold. Trump cares so much about not spending money that he decides to walk down the street instead of getting in his car, sitting there idling in front of the building. So he's going to honor these "celebrities" and their hard work by "firing the asses off" all of them except the winner. That's right, folks: Trump's back! Did we miss him? Okay, I'll admit I did a little. And now... our "celebrities."
Men: "Four-time Olympic gold medal sprinter Michael Johnson." Okay, he's legit. "Poison front man Bret Michaels" (um, I think they forgot to say "star of Rock of Love"). "Stand-up comedian Sinbad." "Professional wrestler and actor Goldberg." And, if I didn't already know Trump was full of shit, I'd know it with this guy because... who?! And Trump recently said he has to fight the celebrities off with a stick or something. That's just hard to believe when there are so many people I've never heard of. [Ten years ago, Goldberg was the biggest name in professional wrestling. He wrestled for WWE and WCW, and was the first to hold both heavyweight belts! Nowadays... yeah, he's just a failed actor. But he used to be somebody! He used to be a contender! Literally! - Zach] Anyway, . "Four-time World Series-winning baseball star Darryl Strawberry." "Celebrity chef Curtis Stone" (apparently NBC's official "celebrity chef"). "Former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich," who then says, "I'll do anything." Pause. "Legal and ethical and honest."
Women: "Music manager and judge of America's Got Talent Sharon Osbourne," who wants us to make our men feel like a rock star. Well, easy for her to say. "Actress and best-selling author Holly Robinson Peete." "Two-time Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders." Victoria's Secret Angel Selita Ebanks. (Again, Trump really expects us to believe he had to tell celebrities "no" when he cast Selita Ebanks?) [I'm sure "any Victoria's Secret model" was first on his list of who to get. - Z] "Writer and stand-up comedian Carol Leifer. "Former WWE diva and singer Maria Kanellis." Ooh, a multihyphenate. Okay, maybe just a single-hyphenate, but WWE diva-singer is at least an interesting one. And, finally, "Grammy Award-winning singer Cyndi Lauper," who talks about schlepping rugs. Is this really the most interesting stuff they can lead us into the show with? A bunch of other clips, including one of Rod saying "We're prematurely ejaculating" and one of Sharon Osbourne saying, "This is a reality check. Go fuck yourself." Yes, it's bleeped, but still. Then a boardroom fight, and Trump bleepage as he wishes they could answer the goddamn question.
Celebrities show up: Rod's here to prove he isn't guilty, because reality TV is the best way to do that. Bret's operating on one hour of sleep. Maria's not afraid of anyone, even Trump. Announcer guy: The Celebrity Apprentice starts now. I'm so confused about what I've been recapping so far. Cyndi Lauper sings "True Colors" and "Money, money, money, money..." Curtis tells us how exciting it is to stand to Michael Johnson and Goldberg, but it's more exciting to wait for Trump. I can't help it, y'all. I love Curtis Stone and his sexy accent. Trump shows up and tells all the celebrities that they're here to raise money for charity. I'm like: If you didn't already know that, how did you get here? Goldberg's honored to be associated with everyone here, except Rod. Trump tells Rod he has a lot of guts, which Rod appreciates. Bret's charity: American Diabetes Association. He's been a lifelong diabetic (and also a lifelong tool). Trump tells him he was a little late. Sinbad thinks Bret's still a rocker because he has long hair and tight jeans. I think Sinbad's confused. Cyndi's charity is the Stonewall Community Foundation in support of the True Colors Fund. It's for gay, lesbian, transgender awareness, so the camera shows us a stern Goldberg. Cyndi loves New York. Trump tells us it will be men versus women, and Sharon interviews that she can be the nastiest bitch in the world. Trump sends them back to pick their name and to pick project managers: The catch is they get to pick the other team's project manager. He'll meet them in the boardroom.
Curtis, clearly the brightest bulb in this bunch, goes straight to figuring out which woman to choose, as a bunch of the other guys grunt and groan. They decide they're going to choose a weak woman first, and hope she gets eliminated. Bret suggests Cyndi Lauper, who he says is crazy like him. They all agree she's crazy. Sinbad says they decided on Cyndi because they're hoping she can irk the rest of her team, since women never let that go. Bret Michaels knows they'll choose him, and cut to the women, who consider Rod for two seconds before unanimously deciding on Bret. Carol says he's basically a manwhore on Rock of Love. Like, duh. Now, names: Cyndi just goes on and on about history, suggesting names of ships or William Wallace, or Shackleton quotes. Everyone basically likes her, but thinks she's crazy. Cyndi explains she wanted a name with history or weight. They look up synonyms for endurance, and end up deciding on Tenacity. The men focus on the qualities they want, and end up going with Bret's idiotic idea, RockSolid. Rod thinks this healthy camaraderie is much better than politics. Now Trump's ready to see them.
Boardroom. Curtis Stone is the smileyest person in the world. Trump tells the contestants they don't want to be in the boardroom, and introduces Don and Ivanka. The women say their name is Tenacity, which Trump likes. He knew a woman by that name once, and didn't like her. He likes it better than RockSolid. Maria announces Bret is the men's project manager and tears his picture in half. The guys knew it! Sharon says they don't think Bret's weak, but he has had only one hour's sleep. The guys announce Cyndi and lie that they want to take out a strong player, who knows New York. They lie even more and say she's the strongest. Trump explains the challenge: They'll be running a diner, and whoever takes in the most money in terms of sales and tips wins. The diners are at 53rd and Madison and 62nd and Lexington. Cyndi chooses 62nd and Lexington, and the guys agree. Curtis says he'll be of great assistance to Bret. Trump says the winning project manager will win a helluva lot of money for charity; and someone will be fired. And no one wants to be the first one fired.
RockSolid HQ: Bret tells his whole team to call everyone they know in the city to tell them to come to the restaurant. He tells Curtis he's the master. Curtis says they're better off keeping their restaurant exclusive instead of letting people come in off the street and spend twenty dollars. He says he'll get premium food, like truffles, and they can charge high prices. Darryl gets on the phone, because he's "Mr. New York." Tenacity HQ: They don't want to make theirs fancy. They'll just leave it as a diner, then Cyndi explains to us that she was fired from IHOP. They discuss food, but Sharon thinks food doesn't matter, since they're coming here to see celebrities and support charity. She interviews she wants to tell Cyndi to shut the fuck up and let her lead, but she can't do that. Selita says she can cook, but she knows Curtis can cook, too. Oh, really. Maybe the word "chef" clued her in. Cyndi's not thrilled to be the first project manager, because she's not sure how to play this game. She says she thinks you're supposed to sleep with the fishes. Dude, how many drugs has Cyndi Lauper done?
Time to see the restaurants. Curtis wants to check the whole thing out, because he's so excited. He wants to use the food they find in the fridge, so he can make burgers and chicken cutlets. Bret tells us that, at that moment, he looked up and said, "God, I know I've done a lot of rotten things in my life, but thank you for giving me Curtis." Awww, it's like the new Rock of Love, and Curtis wins! Bret says he can barely make a peanut butter sandwich. And he totally defers to Curtis, which isn't always advised, but in this case it's probably for the best. The women enter their restaurant, and are noisy and chaotic. Summer and Carol are going to do fliers. Sharon tries to track someone down to take pictures but can't find anyone, so she goes outside and asks the paparazzi guy, who agrees. Holly takes it upon herself to put together a menu, since Cyndi hasn't given anyone any tasks. Cyndi tells us Holly's great and everything, but very bossy. Because she wants to serve fries with the burgers. Carol interviews that she thinks these women are "some dumb bitches," but there's no explanation why. Other than, you know, they're dumb. Curtis manages to score some truffles to make wild mushroom and truffle risotto.
Back with the women, Cyndi drives Holly crazy by focusing on nothing but photos herself. Holly wants her to make calls and try to get some big donors. Ivanka shows up to visit, and Cyndi tells her she's doing well. After Ivanka leaves, she comments on Cyndi being too focused on the photos. Ivanka asks about their price point, and seems to think it's too low, so they're obviously counting on volume. So they listen, and decide to charge $100 for their burger. The guys decide on $100 right away for a burger, an extra $100 for truffles, $250 for the truffle risotto. Ivanka shows up there , and asks if their focus is on food or fundraising. They say both, and tell her about the $250 risotto. She thinks that's a little out-there for a burger joint, and Curtis begins to worry, but Bret says once he's in, he's all in, and why fill the place up to make only $300?
Tenacity Burger. Holly's doing her fundraising, and says she shines here because she does it all the time, as a mother of a kid with autism. Cyndi says she wants to come through, but she's not friends with a lot of rich people. She says the one rich person she does know is Rosie, who Trump insulted for four months on television. "And he, ironically, is not a thin man." Which is really not the point, but leave it to Cyndi to not exactly express what she's trying to say. Cyndi calls her and then says it wasn't good, so I don't think Rosie's going to show up on Trump's show.
RockSolid Burger. Curtis is focused, working hard on food prep. He makes everyone wear hats. Back at Tenacity Burger, the women are realizing that food prep actually means using a knife and grinding stuff. Gasp! They cut up meat and slice potatoes. So do the men, and Curtis thinks it's hilarious to have the former governor of Illinois as his sous chef. He'll never get the image of him in his little hat out of his mind. Rod says he didn't cook at all as governor of Illinois. "I was cooking up results for people, right?" Uh, cooking up something, I guess. The women squeal as they grind meat and cook up fries. Bret sits his troops down and thanks them for working hard. Sinbad says Bret likes to rally a lot, so he thinks Poison must have hugged a lot, all "We like to rock." I could get used to having comedians on this show.
morning, Sharon Osbourne's on a radio show, inviting everyone to the diner. Cyndi listens with a totally blank face, until they put her on the radio, too. RockSolid's hanging up their "Celebrity Diner" fliers. Bret tells us he's had only four and a half hours of sleep in the past two days, but he says everyone's in Superman mode. Curtis and Goldberg prepare their food, and it actually looks delicious. Rod learns to use a waiter pad. He's looking forward to getting acquainted with America. Then he practices his waiting skills on Darryl and Sinbad, who thinks there's nothing like having Blagojevich take your order. Back at Tenacity Burger, we learn everyone's duties: Everyone has a job inside, except Carol, who's out on a street corner screaming. Shouldn't they have gotten someone that people might actually recognize to do that? Holly says they had to make sure the big donors were the ones catered to, since they're only open for three hours. The place is basically packed with a line down the block, and Maria says everyone was Twittering about it. Cyndi's friend, Steve, plays accordion and Cyndi starts singing "True Colors." The crowd doesn't look all that into it, and Sharon certainly doesn't. She says it's like the fucking Star Wars bar in here. Hee. Though the line cooks -- Summer and Selita -- seem to enjoy it. Cyndi delivers someone the wrong food.
RockSolid Burger's getting it going: Sinbad's on the street. Bret's the project manager and the busboy. Curtis and Goldberg are cooking. Rod's serving, and he greets people with, "I didn't do those things, by the way." Some folks came in and couldn't afford $100, so they left without eating. Basically, there's not a line out the door at RockSolid. Sinbad gets why a man on the street wouldn't stop and, to his credit, he tells people it's not cheap but it's for charity. I still think it has to be smarter to sell three burgers for $100 than thirty for $10, right? But, back at Tenacity Burger, things are hopping, so I guess we'll find out. Cyndi says she felt like she was in a comedy, and we watch her balance food and drinks and then give people the wrong order. Don shows up and asks how Cyndi is, and she's like, "I'm just working, and working, and working." She asks if he'd mind talking and walking. Don says it seems pretty chaotic, probably since Cyndi doesn't know much about doing this. But he did see plenty of Wall Street types there, so he thinks the ladies were tapping their resources accordingly. Maria's running around trying to bus tables and take care of things, and they have a line around the block, but Carol's still on the corner trying to call people in. Maria finally goes out and asks her to come in and help, so she starts taking counter orders.
RockSolid Burger. Sinbad's not having the same luck calling people in as Carol, but he says people are trickling in, and they seem to be leaving happy. Eventually, the restaurant gets slammed. And then Al Roker shows up, thanks to Curtis inviting all his "friends at the Today show." Some folks offer up extra money for their burger. One guy pays $1,000 and some scroungy guy pays $1,500. He's a friend of Bret's, and another friend of his pays up. Bret says everyone made calls and got people in there to throw down money. Don shows up, and Bret tells him it's fantastic: high pressure and screaming, but it's great and means something's happening. Don thinks the men are organized and working well as a team. He thinks Curtis is doing a great job, but has a huge problem if the men lose, since he should know this better than anyone. Tenacity Burger seems to be getting some donations, too, especially from some of Cyndi's friends. She hugs and kisses them and gets teary talking about it later, because it made her realize she's really loved. Sharon's connections brought some big donors in, too. They make a $1,500 sale or two, and one $2,500 sale.
Somewhere in New York, Joan Rivers is walking down the street when Trump calls and asks her to go to each place and tell him which one is best. But he doesn't want them to know Trump sent her. He's giving the winning team $10,000. She says she'll grab her pastry chef at God's Love We Deliver, since he knows food, and says she'll do it. She'd love to. At Tenacity Burger, Holly wants to help their big donors jump the line, but everyone else is just doing photos or sitting at the counter helping people (Carol!). Carol thinks Holly should have been the one to bring in the big donors, but she didn't want to do anything that would mess up her manicure.
Joan and her pastry chef show up at the guy's restaurant first, and she gives Sinbad a tip not to trust anyone (apparently he opened for her in Vegas once). Bret doesn't know what drove her down here, other than he told everyone in New York about this. Maybe they didn't watch last season. Rod's busy schmoozing with everyone as the burger Curtis made for Joan just sits there and sits there, for more than six minutes. Joan isn't happy about the service, or the prices, or the fact that her burger's cold. Then Joan heads to Tenacity Burger, where everyone's excited to see her. Carol says she was an inspiration for her to get into comedy. Joan loves the women's menu because it had fair prices, with a bigger price point if you want to give to charity. Joan feels like this is a tough decision, because $10,000 could mean winning or losing to the team.
At RockSolid, Bret needs a soda because he hasn't taken care of his diabetes all day. Sinbad gets him a soda, and Goldberg takes over as the waiter while he drinks up. The women try to fill up their tables as time's running out. Cyndi says she's very proud of this wonderful team of ass-kicking women. Holly says some of the big donors that promised to show up for her got left in the line, and she wasn't able to get out there and bring them in. She says if they lose, she'll wonder how that would have factored in. At RockSolid, Goldberg thanks everyone for coming. Curtis isn't underestimating the girls, but they did raise a lot of money. We'll see about that, won't we?
Boardroom. Don and Ivanka wait. The contestants shuffle in, and then Trump joins. I can't decide who's more of a mess: Cyndi or Bret. Cyndi's hair is ratted all over her head, looking messy and weird. Trump comes in and compliments her hairdo, which ... well, that's all you need to know, really. They bond over their hair. She tells him she thinks their team raised a lot of money, and she thinks they raised more than the men. Sharon says the team is unbelievable, working, working, working all day long. Cyndi and Sharon both say there wasn't a weak player. Trump tries to get them to say there was a weak player, but Cyndi won't say anyone was weak. She says there's nothing they could have done more, even though Trump says she's putting herself on the line. They ask if anyone didn't have any friends come in and donate, and ask specifically about Carol. Cyndi thought Joan came for her, but Don explains she was there for the task, and was at both places. Cyndi, totally loopy, is confused by this. Trump says he'll tell them later who Joan liked better, then moves on to the men.
Trump asks Bret who the weak link is, and Bret says it's very early and he can't choose one. Trump says that's bad for him, although on a restaurant task, things wouldn't be good for Curtis if they lost. Then he says Curtis is beloved by women all over, which he uses as an excuse to say, "Though I bet I've done better than he has." Don, along with America, shakes his head. Donald admits he has certain "advantages." God, I hope he's talking about money. Cyndi tells Trump her friend Edith thinks he's sexy, and Don pipes up, "How old is Edith?" Trump jokingly tells Don to shut up, and calls him a wise guy. Kind of a sweet family moment, actually. Rod talks about how good everyone else was, and then says he couldn't raise money, really. Then he praises Bret, specifically, for being such a good team leader. Trump asks Darryl if he thinks he won, then got distracted by how amazing Darryl Strawberry was. Darryl says he doesn't know if they won, but he thinks they did great as a team. He gives a long speech about being a team.
Trump explains Joan's role, and then says that she liked the women better. So they get $10,000 added to their total. Then he explains that the food Joan was served at the men's diner was good, but cold. She told him it was Rod's fault. Curtis says the food was hot when he served it, and then Rod pretends he can't remember talking to anyone but Joan. God, he is such a liar. If he wants people to believe he didn't commit a crime, maybe he should be honest in situations like this. The women raised $29,559, plus the Joan Rivers $10,000, for $39,559. The men raised $57,905. Trump makes it an even $100,000 for American Diabetes Association, for kids with Type 1 diabetes. Bret tells Trump he managed the restaurant okay, but didn't manage his diabetes very well. Trump can see Bret's emotional, so this must be important to him. He sends them back to the war room, and tells them how fantastic it is that they won $100,000, and equally fantastic that they're in Trump Tower. On the way to the elevator, Goldberg and Bret have a moment about diabetes, and Goldberg asks Bret to please learn a lesson from that and take care of himself. It's sort of oddly sweet. Trump tells the women someone will be fired. Cat fight!
In the war room, the men give themselves props for clobbering the women, even though they got the $10,000. Bret says he's had diabetes since he was six and just couldn't let the kids down. Now back to the boardroom, where Trump asks Cyndi what went wrong. She says she doesn't hang out with the rich and famous, but she has one friend who would have dropped a lot of money, but... Trump interrupts her and says it's not about the rich and famous, since they got the $10,000 advantage. Then he asks who the friend is, and Cyndi says Rosie O'Donnell. Trump: "Ugh. She's disgusting." Then it's a back and forth between the two of them, consisting of Cyndi saying she's wonderful and Trump saying she's disgusting. It's hilarious. Trump says Rosie went to his wedding. "Unfortunately someone invited her. That's true." He asks Sharon who she called. Then he asks Holly if she had tips, and wonders why they didn't get the big tips, since they're all beautiful. Ivanka says the men made $46,000 in tips and the women made $24,000. Holly says one of the issues was they left money on the sidewalk, because they had donors out there. Holly says she went to a couple ladies and asked them to go out there. Don asks if that was Carol's job, and Holly says it was Carol's job to hand out fliers, but they had to bring her back in when they had a crowd.
In the war room, Michael jokes about how serious Rod looks when he's watching the boardroom. He says he feels sorry for them. In the boardroom, Carol defends herself, saying she handed out fliers and did what she could. Ivanka asks who determined price points, since their prices were so low that they had people coming in off the street and tying up tables. The men made twice as much money on food. Cyndi says she determined price point. Trump says their location was better, so that's even more reason they should have won. Trump asks who he should fire, and Maria won't say, then Holly won't say either. Trump's like, "You all love each other and all that crap," but who could you do without on the task. Selita won't say, either, so Trump asks Maria again. He says he wishes they could answer the goddamn, fucking question, and I think maybe he should fire everyone who won't answer it. How fun would that be? (Plus, bonus! Shortened season.)
The men laugh, and repeat Trump's bleepage, and Trump bleeps some more. He says it's all bullshit, since they know an answer. Finally, Maria says Carol, since she doesn't know how much money she brought. Holly then says it would be between the project manager and Carol, because she was passing out fliers, which wasn't helpful. But she wishes Cyndi would have seen that. Carol stands up for herself, and says she's creative and they're going to need that. She says she called her big donors, but Jerry Seinfeld was out of town. Don points out that Carol wasn't in the top four in terms of money. The men think that getting rid of their writer, Carol, is a mistake, but they're about to. Carol tries to go after Holly, but Don points out she brought in the most. Sharon says she'd fire Carol, and Cyndi says that would be a mistake. Sharon asks who, then, and she can't answer. Summer says Cyndi or Carol. Trump asks Selita who to fire, and she won't say, so he asks her how she did. She can't defend herself, and they all stick up for her, since she cooked. Ivanka pipes up that they got a $10,000 bonus because her cooking was better than a chef's. Trump tells her he thinks Ivanka saved her very beautiful ass (his words, not mine). Selita gives Summer credit, and says the food was a group collaboration. Trump tells Cyndi to pick two people to come back to the boardroom. He says someone's getting fired. She says she's never fired anyone in her life, and he says she's not firing anyone, but to bring two back. After a bunch of annoying back and forth, in which Trump says he doesn't like firing people (riiiiiiiiiiiiiight) and that they did a good job, he decides not to make Cyndi choose two, and just fires Carol because most of the team chose her. She asks him if he'll consider making a donation to North Shore Animal League, so he says he'll donate $10,000 personally. He tells her life's not fair, and that her team threw her under the bus. Cyndi says she didn't, and then she's sad as Carol leaves. Trump says his obligatory, "That was tough." Trump, Ivanka and Don don't know if it was the right thing to do, but since it was what the team wanted, they think it was right.
Carol's taxi-cab confession: It "super-sucks" being the first celebrity fired. She thinks she would have shined at a creative task, and "those beeyotches are gonna be sorry!" week: Trump thinks the women need to be more competitive. They're creating a storefront experience for Kodak. Holly thinks Cyndi's stupid. Sinbad complains about Bret being late all the time. Power goes out. The guys leave Bret. Or, more accurately, he doesn't show. Trump: "Very interesting."
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, would pay $100 for a Curtis Stone burger. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.