Remember last week when the teams ran a hotel, and Dennis was awesome until he got totally wasted (which was about two minutes into the episode)? And then they lost? And then had an intervention? And he was fired? Well, that happened. It was sad, and I hope we can go back to making fun of celebrities this week.
Here we are, as everyone goes back to the viewing room (which I think is all it is, right? Because it sounds like they live in hotel rooms?) to talk about how "brutal" that was. The women say it wasn't a happy win, which is such a freaking lie. They're happy to have won any week. And the men wanted Dennis gone, and now they have it. So I would love for them to all stop pretending they're actually human and go back to being ridiculous. Clint says he's seen drinking problems up close, and "you get angry at booze." What a weird way to say that. [Don't take it out on the booze! - Zach] Melissa talks about how Dennis was the obvious choice, since he was disruptive to both teams, but she loves him. Annie liked him when he was sober, and is sad that he couldn't see that everyone was just concerned. Jesse interviews that losing the task wasn't the issue; there's a bigger problem. He says it was sad to see Dennis leave angry, and he understands the drinking thing, because he's been there, done that. Brian says something assy about how there were really only four people on his team anyway. Because, even when everyone else is trying to be human, he cannot make himself go to that place. Herschel says it was a bittersweet loss. Wait, aren't wins bittersweet, and losses just bitter? Anyway, apparently he's glad not to have Dennis as an anchor around their neck. Dennis's car still drives away. "Money, money..." and we're back to being shallow. Yes!
Since Tionne was last week's winning project manager, she meets with Phil Oliver of Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia. She explains she is the national spokesperson for the disease and has it herself. She says Phil Oliver diagnosed her, which is why his foundation is so important to her. Phil pretends to be surprised to hear that she won, and is giving the foundation $20,000. He tells us he looks at her as his little daughter. Tionne says she wants to win this game to help her charity so that she can grow old and see her grandchildren. [...So she gave the money to her doctor's charity, so that the doctor can do research that will make her live longer? Talk about curing two birds with one stone. - Z]
KOTU is writing down all the ideas they've liked so far. They really like the dirty joke. Clint's acting it out. The woman calls and asks him to do the wash and he says it's okay he did it by hand, as he's holding a container of the All Small and Mighty. All the women love it, and laugh. The executives show up. Joan asks how entertaining they want it, and the executive says that they don't want to offend this woman customer they envision. Joan asks if saying fuck is out of the question and these two uptight executives look shocked(!) and say yes. Joan asks them why they're saying viral then, because viral, to Joan, is like watching Liza Minnelli drunk. I agree. And I love her for freaking these people out. It continues as they ask them how they feel about little people, if you can wash yourself with the detergent, and if the target demo would be offended by sexual innuendo. Well, since these people are two of the three judges, I would guess that answer would be a resounding yes. Khloe interviews that these executives are pretty conservative, and their idea is distasteful so now she doesn't know what they'll do. Dudes, your other judge is Perez Freaking Hilton. Go with distasteful.
After the meeting, KOTU's regrouping. Natalie thinks they're going to have to really clean it up. She thinks they need to get a suburban woman doing actual laundry. Joan disagrees vehemently. Natalie says it might not be funny or viral, but this company wants something clean. Because it's laundry detergent, of course. Natalie interviews that their team realized their original idea was too offensive. Joan acknowledges some women would be offended by the thought of the guy jacking off, so she has a new idea: Clint walks away and they spit on his hamburger. He comes back and eats it. Khloe's all, "What does that have to do with laundry?" Joan doesn't know, so she'll think some more. She definitely gets viral, and even gives some examples. She wants this to be silly, outrageous and sophomoric. She wants a big, fat drag queen. She explains that this is her element, so she's going to argue about it. She's just throwing out ideas: mud-wrestling. Clint says they shouldn't let that meeting frighten them away from his idea. Joan would like to use a drag queen. Clint doesn't want to change the idea. Joan now hates it. She says Clint heard nothing. But they all liked it before.
Athena's still trying to decide what to do. Melissa explains you have to have the "Wow!" factor. Annie wants to show Jesse some viral videos. She shows that the word "midget" gets a lot of hits. She also says she gets her viral videos off Perez Hilton, so she knows how outrageous it needs to be. Melissa asks Jesse if he'd be in the video if it were something he was comfortable with. He says he just doesn't want to be bathed by midgets, and he looks totally uncomfortable. I think he's shy, actually. Why can't one of the women be bathed by midgets? Why does it have to be Jesse? I'm fairly sure people would rather see Brande bathed by anyone. They tell him it will be hilarious. Jesse interviews that he was against it because he doesn't want to embarrass the company. Annie says she doesn't think they'd be offended. Jessie finally relents that as long as they're wearing outfits that look like the small and mighty bottle. He explains that he didn't want to do it, but he relented because of the ladies' enthusiasm. Annie and Tionne are sent to get props and costumes. Melissa explains she actually sent Annie to give Jesse some breathing room, since Annie can be a little intense.
Another little person actor shows up at KOTU. Joan thanks God. Khloe explains that they did hire a little person to be "the masturbator" in their video. Clint tells the actor he'll be shot in a bedroom scene in boxer shorts, if that's okay. The guy's all, "Naked, whatever." Clint tells him they won't go that far. Joan's totally jumped in and is helping out, coaching the actor to act sexy. But the guy just gives a total basic line reading of, "Hey sweetie. You wanna do the dirty laundry with me tonight?" I think it would be difficult to not make that sound like innuendo, but somehow this guy has figured out the way. They do take after take. Clint asks for a "knowing smile," but the guy just does this big cheesy smile. It's a total failure. Joan explains that the actor was not tremendously good, and was very nervous, because Clint's idea is terrible. In the hall, Natalie and Khloe are trying to decide what Plan B will be. They would totally mud wrestle at this point. Natalie's telling Clint they can't use this actor, and Clint agrees, so they let him go. They let the guy go, and it's sort of sad, but it totally had to happen.
Trump's giving us a lesson on going with our gut, and updating us on what's happening in the episode: viral videos. Let's see what happens. Yes, let's.
Athena: Annie calls, and will only talk to Melissa. Annie wants lots of bottles of All in the Laundromat scene. Melissa's like, "Duh!" So then Annie changes her point and says that on viral videos, making something obviously a commercial makes it less viral. Melissa puts her head in her hand and then interviews that she was glad Annie left because Annie tries to be the leader even when she's not. Annie's talking non-stop into the phone and won't listen to Melissa respond. It's even annoying just for me. Melissa pretends, very diplomatically, that Annie's right, so Annie hangs up and tells Tionne, "Good. Stopped that from happening." Wow.
Melissa, Brande, Jesse and the actors arrive at the Laundromat to figure out how they will do the video. Jesse explains that he thinks they all had fun, and then we get shots of him wrestling with them. He says he treats them like any of his friends and then interviews, "They're exactly the same as any one of us, they're just..." -- he puts his hand down out of camera range -- "...that big." Melissa loves the wrestling stuff.
At KOTU, Natalie suggests that a male model could save the day. She interviews that they had issues with their "small individual," and had to let him go. She, Khloe, and Joan want a team meeting to figure out what to do. Clint says they can get him doing it as backup, in case their little person doesn't arrive. So we see clips of Clint acting out the scene, while all of the ladies seethe and hate it. Joan says Clint is kind of small, but the little person thing is gone. Khloe has no idea what the method is to Clint's madness. She doesn't get what any of it has to do with laundry. She finds it to be embarrassing. Clint's talking to the director, when Joan starts screaming and asking what they're doing. He asks her to settle down, and to wait one second. Joan wants him to discuss, not explain, because they haven't okayed anything here. She asks what he's planning to do? Clint interviews that Joan was very resistant to his leadership all day. He says it's insubordinate, which he believes is cause for immediate termination. She yells, and he doesn't respond, so she says he's being superior, and she can match him in superiority. Okay, did I like Joan earlier? That's fading fast. Joan takes off her earrings and tries to sell them. Clint says the plan is to have him and one of the women do it, but none of the women want to be in lingerie. Joan says she's not putting her name on this.
After commercial, we're still at KOTU. The female model has arrived. Khloe talks about it, but she just babbles because she says she knows nothing about what they're doing. Joan asks Clint what she can do, and he says there's nothing right now. Khloe sarcastically says, "As long as you know we're here for you," and rolls her eyes. Joan interviews that Clint dismissed the women, which was fine with her because she will not work with him again. She's so mad she's going to knock his hat off. I don't know that he actually "dismissed" anyone. It seems like he's going with his idea, which is his right as project manager, and all of the women are resistant and complainy, so he's just doing it himself. If they would step up like they should, I'm sure he would have plenty for them to do. But they're fighting him on every turn. Natalie says it was awkward to have nothing to do. They were pretty bored. Shots of Joan sleeping on the couch. Khloe's talking to Herschel, telling him how horrible it all is. Khloe thinks they'll lose, and that Clint should be fired, but she'd actually be okay with any of them being fired because this day has been so weird.
Annie's back with Athena. She's put All decals on white Converse and tells the actors they're going to look great. Jesse explains that the wardrobe was the most important part, because they need to look like All detergent bottles. Tionne asks if they prefer little people to midget, and one guy says he doesn't find any of it offensive, but another guy raises his eyebrow. He doesn't pipe up, though, so I have no idea if that even happened at that moment or was just edited to look like it annoyed him. One of the actors hates the outfit, because he thinks he looks like an Oompa-Loompa,which he kind of does. They shoot the video, and it's actually very funny. Annie's really happy with Jesse, who jumped in and let them scrub him.
KOTU's shooting the actress in his hotel room when Herschel arrives. Ivanka comes then, too, and Khloe, Natalie and Joan sarcastically explain the concept -- which they all thought was hilarious before the executive meeting, if you'll recall. Ivanka doesn't hate it. Herschel doesn't get it until they explain it to him. Ivanka does think they can't do this without a little person, and wonders why Joan's input wasn't respected. They really paint a one-sided picture for Herschel and Ivanka, which I guess is their right. Herschel comes in and asks Clint what he can do. Clint doesn't know if there's much he can do. Herschel asks him to calm down, but he won't. Herschel says he knew then that Clint didn't want his input. Herschel ends up seeing the scene where the lady comes in and takes off her robe, ready to do the dirty laundry. Herschel doesn't get it. He thinks Clint just misses his wife. None of them think it's funny. They think it's a disgrace. Joan finds it offensive. She thinks Clint's hat must be too tight, which is what causes him to sit in the bed with the Trump book and the tissues. The mud-restling definitely would have been a lot more laundry-related.
KOTU van, on the way to the final edit. Everyone's still being mean to Clint. They're saying that it's all his idea, so he can do the edit himself too. But then Herschel has an idea to put pop-ups over people's head to add what they're thinking. Joan thinks it's great, because it would take away all the seriousness of it.
Athena's also editing their video. Melissa's taking notes. Jesse interviews about how great Melissa is as a project manager: She's sharp, and he has a lot of respect for her. Jesse thinks it's great that these women are laughing when they watch the video, since All's main demographic is women. He says that if you work together, and give it your all (for All), you can't lose. Cut to KOTU, where Clint's alone in the editing room saying he doesn't feel very good about what they have, and he was the project manager. The editing room door is locked, and Joan's pissed that they can't go in. Clint explains that they couldn't have brought anything to the editing process. He's hoping they took that as a nice gesture. Joan would like to put captions saying they don't endorse what's coming.
Athena's video has a lot of bad words, which they're not going to bleep, because it's not on TV. Brande says if they lose it's because All's looking for something more wholesome. She's leaving it up to Melissa, Annie and Jesse, though, because she doesn't know about this kind of thing. They finish it up and have to come up with a title: "Jesse James: Dirty With Midgets." Melissa says if they lose, she will just ask who wants to come to the boardroom with her, and she will take the bullet because there's not one person who didn't do their job.
At KOTU, Clint finally calls his team in to watch the video from the top. He asks them to hold their comments until it's over, and then he'll ask for their input. While it's on, Khloe interviews that she's the age and gender that All's looking for and she doesn't get it. After it's over, Herschel tells Clint he needs to put captions on it. Then he interviews that everyone thinks their baby's the prettiest, no matter how ugly it is. He sees so much that could be done with it. Joan tells Clint the video is very slick, but she has no idea what it's telling her and agrees they need to make it funny. Khloe thinks it's cheesy. Herschel asks if Clint wants to make it better, but Clint thinks that's a mistake. Joan asks if they can add the captions and then Clint can decide, but he thinks that's a waste of time. Joan says everything they suggest, he says no, so they're wasting their time. They get into a fight because he will not listen to anything she says. He interviews that he's been the driving force on this task, and if they lose, he'll take Joan into the boardroom, because he feels they could have been a great team without her. She tells him that she thinks he's bright and smart, but she hopes to never see him again when this is over.
Trump comes into an office, where the executives are sitting. They watch the videos together. And, by the way, captions were added to the KOTU video, so it looks like Clint did listen to them after all. After the video, the All executives agree that the video's a little racy for their constituents. They watch the Jesse video, and don't even crack a smile. Then when the actors swear at the end, the executives actually look angry. Okay, they have absolutely no sense of humor. So they'll find out what Perez Hilton thought. He who draws genitalia on photos of celebrities gets to judge their family-friendly viral? Um, okay then. Idiots. I swear to you that if I already didn't use All, I never would after this. I hope they didn't pay money to be in this show, because these executives make them look humorless and frigid.
Perez has some sort of jingly ringtone. He's sitting in a room with a picture of himself and a dog on the wall behind him. He tells Trump that he just saw the videos, and he has a lot of opinions. He was very disappointed in the KOTU one. He feels they were shortsighted. He thinks they were going for humor, but it wasn't funny. Perez thought Jesse's video was excellent, and started laughing immediately. He wouldn't have watched the KOTU video all the way through if he didn't have to. The executives ask what demographic Athena's video will appeal to. He says he is a gay man, so he found it appealing. Trump had no idea Perez was gay. I can't tell if he's serious, but I think he is. Perez also thinks it will appeal to straight men. The executive says Perez left out women with children, which is where there's a disconnect, since that's their target. Perez doesn't think either video appeals to women with children. They thank him and hang up. [Waitwaitwait -- this is how All does their market research? They ask a gay man if a woman with kids would like a video? Why not make a woman witha kid your frickin' judge? Morons! - Z]
The executives thought the brand message of Athena's video was great. They didn't like "midgets" in the title. And the little people cursing at the end was a poor choice, and not using the actors in the right way. They liked KOTU's video's relaxing music and thought bubbles. They don't know if All wants to be the brand for cheating men. They aren't about a closed-door activity. Um, oh my god. Masturbating is now cheating? I seriously hate these people so much. They say the cheating factor will alienate their consumers, who are used to an open laundry room door. Gah. Gross. HATE. Trump asks who the winner is, but of course they leave us hanging.
Boardroom. The teams join Ivanka and Don. Then Trump comes in. He asks Clint how he did. He says he did okay under the circumstances, which weren't great. Trump asks if Clint's wife will be upset about the video, but he says she has a sense of humor. Trump says she better. Trump asks what Joan thinks of it, and she says she's ashamed to have any part of it. She thought it was dirty and stupid, and didn't handle the project in any way. Ivanka says Joan was very verbal about this from the beginning. She says she let him know she didn't like it, but still said she was there to help. Clint says that Joan did have several ideas, but were incomplete. Joan says she's a writer, so she starts everything with brainstorming. Trump asks if Joan likes Clint. She says she liked him, but never wants to see him again. She says she'd turn her back on him on the red carpet, would never see him perform, and is throwing out every CD of his. Trump laughs. She says she's taking this very personally. Trump asks what Natalie thinks. She says they liked the idea, but after meeting the executives, she felt it was way off. She was hoping they'd start over after that. Trump asks Herschel's opinion, and he says it was silly and he thought Clint just missed his wife. He wouldn't send it to anyone. Ivanka asks if it was too late to choose another direction. Clint says there were no other ideas that he thought were better. He says it would be easier to do his job if there weren't dissent. Joan says she helped. He says it's not true. He won't engage in personal attacks, but she makes it totally personal. She even tries to use that to her benefit, even though Claudia got fired after doing the same thing to her daughter. She might want to remember that.
Melissa interrupts to stick up for her mother, but ends up saying that her mom doesn't let people get a thought out, which is what drives people batty. Trump's all, "So your mom's a pain in the ass?" Melissa: "No." Trump: "She's obnoxious?" Melissa: "No." Trump asks if she thinks she herself is obnoxious. She says no, and Don hilariously says, "Not even a little bit?" Okay, Don, you won me over. I like that Ivanka and Don have so much personality instead of just seeming cold like George or, you know, Trump.
After commercial, we repeat the same thing, and Melissa finishes that she's sarcastic and is offended by the word obnoxious. Trump cuts to the chase, and says Melissa loves her mother and doesn't like to hear Clint talking about her like that. She agrees, but she says she understands the dynamic and understands why their personalities would clash. She says that Clint was trying to tell Joan what's funny. Trump turns to Clint and says that has to be hard to do, since Joan's one of the greatest in the world, maybe ever. God, Trump loves all of these celebrities so much. It's sort of insulting to A-listers. And humanity. [Is Trump actually friends with any A-listers? These may be the greatest celebrities he knows. - Z] Melissa says Clint should have deferred to her mother. Trump says he should have at least listened to Joan.
Tionne interviews that she was surprised he fired her, but she doesn't mind taking chances. She thinks that speaks for itself. Back in the viewing room, where they aren't getting to watch anything, they are all saying how this isn't right. Apparently they think Melissa's team should have won. Joan says she's on the show for two reasons: to raise money for charity, and to work with Melissa. She would be very upset if Melissa were fired. In come Melissa and Brande. She explains she would have been fired if Tionne hadn't volunteered. Everyone feels sorry for Tionne.
Trump asks the three KOTU team members if they're surprised. Clint is. Trump says one of them is . Commercials, including Melissa and Joan in an actual All commercial, where they ask us to go to their website to watch the viral video and put more money in the tills for their charities. But, because I hate All's uptight executives, I'm not even going to link to it, or watch it. Sorry, charities. I'm petty like that. And All should hire some people with a sense of humor.
Back in the boardroom, Trump asks Natalie what she thinks. She thinks it's weird that Clint brought Khloe and Natalie in instead of Joan, who he fought with all day for two days. Trump says it was smart, because he thought Clint would bring Joan in, but Trump wouldn't have fired her, because she was right about what she was saying. Clint says he does take responsibility for his actions. Trump says he respects that. He says he respects everyone on the show, which is why they're here. Right. It's not just because these are the yahoos he could get to do the show. Trump asks if Clint's sold about as many country music albums as anyone. Clint says it's roughly 20 million. Trump says that's amazing, but Clint says it's satisfying. Trump says there's always a reason for success, and then asks if Clint would like to be fired so he can go home and do concerts since he's a busy guy. Clint would like to continue with the game. Trump asks Natalie about a big golf tournament she has coming up soon in Asia. He asks if she would be happy to be fired. She would rather go on, even if she misses the golf tournament. She says there are a lot of golf tournaments, but this is once-in-a-lifetime. She says she'll fight to the end, and miss the appearance fee and prize money.
Trump turns to Khloe. He asks why she missed the task last week, because he had no idea. He says he saw her the other day and asked where she was and would like her to now tell us. She says she had a DUI and her judge wasn't happy she was leaving, because she's supposed to take classes. So she had to fly back and go to the coroner's office, which she says makes no sense since she had to back to L.A. anyway, despite the leave of absence. Trump says a DUI is very serious stuff. She agrees with him and has taken full responsibility since she got it. He's glad about that and hopes it doesn't happen again. She says she's taking DUI classes, and he asks what she's learned. She says she's learned a lot, because she's in a room with people who are 18 to 82, so she hears a lot of different experiences. Trump interrupts and says he hates people who drive under the influence. He loves mothers who go fight against it. He knows three families who have lost children to drunken drivers. He says those families have never been the same. He tells her that he lost a little respect for her when she said that's where she was. No one on staff told him where she was. He says if he had known she'd miss time on the show because of the DUI, she would have never been on the show. Um, hello, Trump? Dennis Rodman. I don't like Khloe at all, so I'm glad he's turning on her, but maybe come up with a better reason. Although, I guess leaving the show for a DUI is a little different than having one nine years ago and just getting drunk on the show constantly. He tells her it's terrible, and that he can't do nothing after what happened to Dennis last week. He asks what her charity is, and she tells him: Brent Shapiro Foundation, which he should know since she won as PM and gave her charity money already. She says it's a drug and alcohol awareness charity. He says it's a great charity, but that what she did goes beyond this task. He's going to give $20,000 to her charity, but she's fired.
In the lobby, Khloe's all "Ta-ta." No, really. That's what she says. She didn't listen to any of what Trump said, I think, or she doesn't care. She hugs both Clint and Natalie, and Clint apologizes, saying he never would have thought in a million years that would happen. She tells him not to worry, and smiles as she gets on the elevator. In the boardroom, Trump hopes she learns. That's a pretty funny contrast to her "Ta-ta" and smiley face. I sort of love Trump right now (I'm not seeing this as hypocrisy, since I really think he wants to help Khloe and Dennis in the same way). In the car, Khloe says Trump made the wrong decision, since she's learned her lesson and has been paying for it every day. She's trying to fix something she did wrong, and says it sucks she had to go out this way, because that's not how she wants people to remember her.
week: Trump shocks the teams, and then things get so rough that he calls in a surprise guest for backup. I'm guessing Dr. Phil. I can't wait. Or, actually, I can and would, in fact, like to wait.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see which celeb we think is going to win!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.