The Apprentice S02E16

In honor of the level of mental sophistication at which this finale operated, I have prepared the following summary of events in the first half, for those of you who didn't read the last recap. Its sophistication level has been carefully calibrated using science and calculators in order to perfectly match the episode to which it corresponds. Ahem.

So there was polo, and there was basketball, and there was all this complaining, and then Jen was all, "Kelly is boring!," and Kelly was all, "Jen is mean!," and Trump was like, "Woohoo, fighting; I love fighting!," and George and Carolyn were like, "Oy."

Okay, on with the show. We return to the Boardroom, where everything is tooooootally normal. Pay no attention to the acoustical and lighting changes, nor to the fact that Carolyn's hair has grown several inches during the commercial. That is merely the effect of Trump Hair Tonic, which will make your hair yooge, lustrous, and wealthy. ["You thought it had grown? It looked like a wig to me." -- Wing Chun] Trump asks George what he thought of Kelly, and George says that he found Kelly "too wooden" and "too stiff." (Hee hee.) George complains that Kelly lacks "fire," while Jen, on the other hand, has lots of fire, at least in the "where there's smoke being blown up your ass, there's" sense. Not for nothing, George also thinks Jen is "abrasive as hell," but thinks you can fix that with a little cosmetic sandblasting, which she would need in order to remain in the Trump organization if she's going to stay around very long anyway, because she will be thirty-five before she knows it, and that's when The Doctors come. (Carolyn is actually eighty-three years old.) Trump clarifies that George didn't see a lot of Kelly, and George agrees that he didn't, on this task, but that he's seen Kelly before. He says that he thinks that Jen does have the "drive" and "fire" that Kelly lacks. Interestingly, George is not actually asked for his opinion regarding who should be hired, nor does he offer it. He just says that Jen "could be a good addition to the Trump organization."

Carolyn reports that she watched Kelly on the task, and she thinks that although he made some mistakes, over the history of the two candidates, "Kelly has stood up more than Jen." She says that Kelly has "leadership qualities," and that she'd recommend going with him. Trump asks whether that means Kelly is "a better leader," and Carolyn says, "Without a doubt, a better leader." Trump cautions that Carolyn didn't see Jen on the last task, either. Nevertheless, asked if she "feel[s] strongly," Carolyn says she does. "Strongly, or okay?" Trump asks, filling time desperately. "I feel strongly," Carolyn says...again. Fortunately, Trump does not say anything like, "Really strongly, or just kind of strongly?," because that could have gone on all night, seriously. And now Trump turns, showing the kind of on-air charisma usually limited to the elderly patient in a commercial for electric scooters, and says directly to the camera, "I want your opinion." By which he does not, of course, mean your opinion. Nevertheless, he gets kind of pushy. "What do you think?" he asks -- nay, demands. "Right now!" The camera pulls back. It swings around to show the completely unnecessary wall that we never saw, which no one ever sat in front of, which separates Trump, Carolyn, and George, from...the studio audience! Which begins cheering! Can you believe that? What a fake-out. I was completely fooled. You don't think the whole season was filmed with an audience there, do you? You know, being hauled around on the back of a flatbed truck, staying quiet and just out of camera range? And it's only now that they're able to sound their barbaric "woo"? Anyway, the wall lifts out of the way, and the live crowd tries to look excited. But...it's Kelly and Jen, so no one cares, because they both suck, and we should get that out of the way now. The caption on screen informs us that this is "Lincoln Center," meaning that a certain very tall ex-president is currently spinning in his grave, his stovepipe hat tip-tapping against the top of his coffin. We have a Lincoln Center, people. And we use it for this.

Trump asks the audience who thinks that Jen should win. The applause is fair to middling. "That's not bad, but I'm not sure it's great," Trump correctly states, showing that while he may be stupid, he has not literally taken leave of his senses. And who thinks Kelly should win? Well, the applause there is louder. Oh, and one of the people clapping is Kwame, so put that in your tin foil hat and smoke it. (I kid. I love tin foil hats and all the people who wear them. Don't email me!) Trump takes this in with a slow, medicated nod. Someone says something from the crowd, and in a display of his basic cluelessness, Trump is like, "What? What?" Because he thinks he's funny, which has never been true, ever. I have never seen Donald Trump be intentionally funny. Unintentionally funny, sure. Trump goes on to say that, last year, he was choosing between Bill and Kwame, and that although "they were both exceptional," he was fairly sure coming into the finale that he was going to pick Bill. Which makes a certain amount of sense, since he had seen them do everything but attend the final Boardroom by that time, so why wouldn't he know? What is far stranger, however, is that he goes on to claim that, as of right now, he still doesn't know who he wants to choose. Oh, please. "I don't know what it's going to be," he repeats. Yeah, he's totally in suspense.

Trump claims that, in some kind of a tricky and unplanned move of the kind they're always making on three-hour NBC shows timed to the last minute, he's going to bring out his friend and our host Regis Philbin, who was only going to show up for the final hour, to come out early and talk to some people in the audience. The Boardroom door opens behind Trump, and Regis himself comes strolling in, looking like he's never been happier to earn free money for doing nothing in all his life. The audience cheers wildly, and in the audience, Matthew Calamari looks vaguely ill. Oh, yeah, I'm serious, you can totally already tell. Regis pays a compliment to the crowd, because that's always good for your integrity as a performer, and...hey, look. In the audience, Calamari is standing to Assorama. No wonder he looks like he's biting back bile. Trump insists yet again that it wasn't "in the whole deal" for Regis to go out into the audience, but that if he could please just do that, Trump would really appreciate it so much. I love off-the-cuff billionaire-on-billionaire action. The first person Trump sends Regis to interview is Boyfriend Bill.

Regis goes down to the front row, where he locates Boyfriend Bill and talks to him about the fact that he's been through what these candidates are going through right now. Bill's hairline really does seem to be receding quickly. I think Trump is doing something bad to him. Stop it, Trump! Boyfriend Bill starts by stating that Kelly and Jen are "both winners," which is easy for him to say, obviously. He earnestly goes on to explain to Regis that Kelly "really stepped up." In an attempt to snap my heart clean in half, Bill says that Kelly "took accountability for his actions." Oh, did he? Did he, Boyfriend Bill? Because if he also "thought outside the box," we can just end our imaginary romance right now, and I will move on to someone else. Nick is funny, you know. Bill credits Kelly for owning up to mistakes, and says that Kelly also offered results, so Kelly's the man. As Boyfriend Bill is trying to sit down, Trump makes him get back up and asks, "Did you enjoy being The Apprentice?" "I had an amazing, amazing experience," Bill says with a grin, and then adds, "and I still am having an amazing experience with you and many of your staff." Because Boyfriend Bill is just now trying to figure out whether Trump just fired his ass. So Trump makes him sit down, just as Boyfriend Bill is explaining the "softer side" of the big guy. Ew. For once, I think I owe Donald Trump a favor. Carolyn laughs, because she thinks that Bill is as cute as a fuzzy bunny, which he is.

, Trump calls on Allen, Trump's CFO and one of last year's Horsemen, and asks him, "How do you feel?" Allen says that he's been with Trump for many years. And he can no longer hold back his feelings. No, not really. He says that leadership and objectives and "winning at the end" are qualities the apprentice should have. So therefore, everyone has to be fired, and we have to start over. Again, not really. Actually, he thinks that Kelly has those qualities, and should be hired. And Jen should be made to empty the wastebaskets. No, again, I must admit, that last part did not really happen. It's like I'm spinning multiple alternative realities, all of which may now exist out there somewhere. I should stop before I reverse the magnetic poles.

up is Alan Jope, the Unilever guy who was one of the Neo-Horsemen. Isn't the suspense killing you about all of this? Well, the typing is killing me, so here's the deal: Jope likes Kelly. In part because, although he calls Jen and Kelly both "outstanding candidates," he thinks that Kelly is "a heck of a good human being, and these days, [he thinks] that still counts for something." Ouch. Hee. Anyway, Jope is another Kelly-liker.

And now, in one of those moments of awesomeness that you couldn't have scripted if you had tried, Trump goes to Matthew Calamari, who is Trump's COO. Calamari looks around nervously. "Donald, you know I don't care for Jen very much, to be honest with you, um, because..." He stares at the ceiling. "Wow," he says. He tries again. "Because, uh...well. I'm not doing too good," he says, looking at Regis. We cut to Carolyn, wearing an expression I would call "Oh, sweet Lord, Matthew, I hope you snap out of it, although on the other hand, if you don't, I'm going to cackle into my executive chair until drool runs down my chin." "Why are you looking at me?" Regis says to Calamari helpfully. "I don't know," Calamari says, as George chuckles. And for a minute, it looks like Calamari might pull it together. Trump goes all soft and mushy and tries to help him by saying, "Who do you like, of the two?" "I like Kelly," Calamari finally spits out. "I think that, um..." But now he's in the weeds. Again. About to pass out, I suspect, Calamari plunks back into his chair. "Hey, Regis!" Trump says cheerfully, not all that concerned that someone he works closely with just lived out certain dreams he has had since he was six years old, except that in real life, he did at least get to wear pants. "People think this stuff is easy, right?" Trump laughs.

, Trump sends Regis to Michael Fraizer, the mysterious individual seen bidding $1000 at Jen's auction and, as it happens, the head of Genworth. Fraizer calls Jen and Kelly "two great people" who ran "two great events." But in the end, "Business is all about setting a direction." He says that "Kelly showed broad leadership, and he was a more disciplined executor. Jen worked hard, and the team worked hard, but they were just disorganized, and Kelly would be a great addition to the Trump organization." So, you know. Not exactly "Jen's breath smells and she robbed my house," but you can start to see the writing on the wall.

And now, Trump sends Regis to talk to Troy. Awww, Troy! Before Troy can talk, Trump has to remind him that he's "the country bumpkin that was smarter than the city slickers." Well..."country bumpkin"? Thanks, asshole. "That's what they say, anyways," Troy says, through a smile that says, "I may never own you, but I will soak you for every penny I can get, and one day, I will own the nursing home in which you reside, and you will lose every game of pinochle you play, because I will fix every deck myself." He has to remind us again about the high-school yearbook quote (enough about that, Troy, seriously), and then he says that, as he has observed the two candidates, he thinks that Kelly has "guts and instincts" that "can't be taught." He also praises Kelly's self-discipline, and says he thinks Kelly should be the guy. And if not, it should be Kwame, because it sounds a lot like "Kelly" and Troy loooooooves Kwame.

Trump now asks Regis to go talk to the person who has the best win-loss record on tasks in the history of the show, in case you've forgotten. "She's very beautiful, also. Right, Amy? And everyone thought I was going to pick you because you're beautiful, but it didn't happen." Amy -- who certainly is wearing a lot of hot pink -- opens by complimenting Jen as also quite beautiful. Amy then says that she "wanted to see a woman win this season," and for quite a while, she was pulling for Jen. But ultimately, she decided that Jen was "a little bit [sic] confrontational, afraid to step up and take a leadership responsibility." And she thinks that Kelly is a strong leader whose background will fit great for Trump: "He knows when to step up and lead, he knows when to shut up and listen, and most importantly, he knows what it means to hail to the chief." I can't believe she's still sucking up. And furthermore, you would think Amy would have gotten a more attractive dress, because she really is a pretty girl, but that dress looks like a coat, it makes her look bulkily pregnant without making her look resplendently pregnant, and the flat hair is not going her face any favors. Not that it's about that, really. Because this is about merit, people.

Regis now says that when you apply for a job, you need references. So now, we're going to speak to Kelly's former commanding officer, whose name I am not going to try to spell. But Regis just wants the guy to know that the military rules, and not just in the martial-law sense. Everyone applauds for the troops. Yay, troops! The colonel stands up and tells Trump that Kelly is the guy, as he has shown "week after week after week." In other words, rather than giving his experience with Kelly, the officer is giving his opinion of the show, in which case he could have stayed home. He goes on to praise Kelly for the values he got from his family, and from the military, and the values that have made him a success. Kelly, Kelly, goooooo, Kelly! "You'd be remiss not to hire him," says the colonel. As a leader, is Kelly at the top or in the middle? "At the very top," says the colonel. It would have been great if he had said "It was fifteen years ago, hoss. How the hell do I know?" And then Regis throws us to San Diego for a party of some of Kelly's West Point classmates. Who, presumably, will take any opportunity for boozing.