In honor of the level of mental sophistication at which this finale operated, I have prepared the following summary of events in the first half, for those of you who didn't read the last recap. Its sophistication level has been carefully calibrated using science and calculators in order to perfectly match the episode to which it corresponds. Ahem.
So there was polo, and there was basketball, and there was all this complaining, and then Jen was all, "Kelly is boring!," and Kelly was all, "Jen is mean!," and Trump was like, "Woohoo, fighting; I love fighting!," and George and Carolyn were like, "Oy."
Okay, on with the show. We return to the Boardroom, where everything is tooooootally normal. Pay no attention to the acoustical and lighting changes, nor to the fact that Carolyn's hair has grown several inches during the commercial. That is merely the effect of Trump Hair Tonic, which will make your hair yooge, lustrous, and wealthy. ["You thought it had grown? It looked like a wig to me." -- Wing Chun] Trump asks George what he thought of Kelly, and George says that he found Kelly "too wooden" and "too stiff." (Hee hee.) George complains that Kelly lacks "fire," while Jen, on the other hand, has lots of fire, at least in the "where there's smoke being blown up your ass, there's" sense. Not for nothing, George also thinks Jen is "abrasive as hell," but thinks you can fix that with a little cosmetic sandblasting, which she would need in order to remain in the Trump organization if she's going to stay around very long anyway, because she will be thirty-five before she knows it, and that's when The Doctors come. (Carolyn is actually eighty-three years old.) Trump clarifies that George didn't see a lot of Kelly, and George agrees that he didn't, on this task, but that he's seen Kelly before. He says that he thinks that Jen does have the "drive" and "fire" that Kelly lacks. Interestingly, George is not actually asked for his opinion regarding who should be hired, nor does he offer it. He just says that Jen "could be a good addition to the Trump organization."
Carolyn reports that she watched Kelly on the task, and she thinks that although he made some mistakes, over the history of the two candidates, "Kelly has stood up more than Jen." She says that Kelly has "leadership qualities," and that she'd recommend going with him. Trump asks whether that means Kelly is "a better leader," and Carolyn says, "Without a doubt, a better leader." Trump cautions that Carolyn didn't see Jen on the last task, either. Nevertheless, asked if she "feel[s] strongly," Carolyn says she does. "Strongly, or okay?" Trump asks, filling time desperately. "I feel strongly," Carolyn says...again. Fortunately, Trump does not say anything like, "Really strongly, or just kind of strongly?," because that could have gone on all night, seriously. And now Trump turns, showing the kind of on-air charisma usually limited to the elderly patient in a commercial for electric scooters, and says directly to the camera, "I want your opinion." By which he does not, of course, mean your opinion. Nevertheless, he gets kind of pushy. "What do you think?" he asks -- nay, demands. "Right now!" The camera pulls back. It swings around to show the completely unnecessary wall that we never saw, which no one ever sat in front of, which separates Trump, Carolyn, and George, from...the studio audience! Which begins cheering! Can you believe that? What a fake-out. I was completely fooled. You don't think the whole season was filmed with an audience there, do you? You know, being hauled around on the back of a flatbed truck, staying quiet and just out of camera range? And it's only now that they're able to sound their barbaric "woo"? Anyway, the wall lifts out of the way, and the live crowd tries to look excited. But...it's Kelly and Jen, so no one cares, because they both suck, and we should get that out of the way now. The caption on screen informs us that this is "Lincoln Center," meaning that a certain very tall ex-president is currently spinning in his grave, his stovepipe hat tip-tapping against the top of his coffin. We have a Lincoln Center, people. And we use it for this.
Trump asks the audience who thinks that Jen should win. The applause is fair to middling. "That's not bad, but I'm not sure it's great," Trump correctly states, showing that while he may be stupid, he has not literally taken leave of his senses. And who thinks Kelly should win? Well, the applause there is louder. Oh, and one of the people clapping is Kwame, so put that in your tin foil hat and smoke it. (I kid. I love tin foil hats and all the people who wear them. Don't email me!) Trump takes this in with a slow, medicated nod. Someone says something from the crowd, and in a display of his basic cluelessness, Trump is like, "What? What?" Because he thinks he's funny, which has never been true, ever. I have never seen Donald Trump be intentionally funny. Unintentionally funny, sure. Trump goes on to say that, last year, he was choosing between Bill and Kwame, and that although "they were both exceptional," he was fairly sure coming into the finale that he was going to pick Bill. Which makes a certain amount of sense, since he had seen them do everything but attend the final Boardroom by that time, so why wouldn't he know? What is far stranger, however, is that he goes on to claim that, as of right now, he still doesn't know who he wants to choose. Oh, please. "I don't know what it's going to be," he repeats. Yeah, he's totally in suspense.
Trump claims that, in some kind of a tricky and unplanned move of the kind they're always making on three-hour NBC shows timed to the last minute, he's going to bring out his friend and our host Regis Philbin, who was only going to show up for the final hour, to come out early and talk to some people in the audience. The Boardroom door opens behind Trump, and Regis himself comes strolling in, looking like he's never been happier to earn free money for doing nothing in all his life. The audience cheers wildly, and in the audience, Matthew Calamari looks vaguely ill. Oh, yeah, I'm serious, you can totally already tell. Regis pays a compliment to the crowd, because that's always good for your integrity as a performer, and...hey, look. In the audience, Calamari is standing to Assorama. No wonder he looks like he's biting back bile. Trump insists yet again that it wasn't "in the whole deal" for Regis to go out into the audience, but that if he could please just do that, Trump would really appreciate it so much. I love off-the-cuff billionaire-on-billionaire action. The first person Trump sends Regis to interview is Boyfriend Bill.
Regis goes down to the front row, where he locates Boyfriend Bill and talks to him about the fact that he's been through what these candidates are going through right now. Bill's hairline really does seem to be receding quickly. I think Trump is doing something bad to him. Stop it, Trump! Boyfriend Bill starts by stating that Kelly and Jen are "both winners," which is easy for him to say, obviously. He earnestly goes on to explain to Regis that Kelly "really stepped up." In an attempt to snap my heart clean in half, Bill says that Kelly "took accountability for his actions." Oh, did he? Did he, Boyfriend Bill? Because if he also "thought outside the box," we can just end our imaginary romance right now, and I will move on to someone else. Nick is funny, you know. Bill credits Kelly for owning up to mistakes, and says that Kelly also offered results, so Kelly's the man. As Boyfriend Bill is trying to sit down, Trump makes him get back up and asks, "Did you enjoy being The Apprentice?" "I had an amazing, amazing experience," Bill says with a grin, and then adds, "and I still am having an amazing experience with you and many of your staff." Because Boyfriend Bill is just now trying to figure out whether Trump just fired his ass. So Trump makes him sit down, just as Boyfriend Bill is explaining the "softer side" of the big guy. Ew. For once, I think I owe Donald Trump a favor. Carolyn laughs, because she thinks that Bill is as cute as a fuzzy bunny, which he is.
, Trump calls on Allen, Trump's CFO and one of last year's Horsemen, and asks him, "How do you feel?" Allen says that he's been with Trump for many years. And he can no longer hold back his feelings. No, not really. He says that leadership and objectives and "winning at the end" are qualities the apprentice should have. So therefore, everyone has to be fired, and we have to start over. Again, not really. Actually, he thinks that Kelly has those qualities, and should be hired. And Jen should be made to empty the wastebaskets. No, again, I must admit, that last part did not really happen. It's like I'm spinning multiple alternative realities, all of which may now exist out there somewhere. I should stop before I reverse the magnetic poles.
up is Alan Jope, the Unilever guy who was one of the Neo-Horsemen. Isn't the suspense killing you about all of this? Well, the typing is killing me, so here's the deal: Jope likes Kelly. In part because, although he calls Jen and Kelly both "outstanding candidates," he thinks that Kelly is "a heck of a good human being, and these days, [he thinks] that still counts for something." Ouch. Hee. Anyway, Jope is another Kelly-liker.
Trump now asks Regis to go talk to the person who has the best win-loss record on tasks in the history of the show, in case you've forgotten. "She's very beautiful, also. Right, Amy? And everyone thought I was going to pick you because you're beautiful, but it didn't happen." Amy -- who certainly is wearing a lot of hot pink -- opens by complimenting Jen as also quite beautiful. Amy then says that she "wanted to see a woman win this season," and for quite a while, she was pulling for Jen. But ultimately, she decided that Jen was "a little bit [sic] confrontational, afraid to step up and take a leadership responsibility." And she thinks that Kelly is a strong leader whose background will fit great for Trump: "He knows when to step up and lead, he knows when to shut up and listen, and most importantly, he knows what it means to hail to the chief." I can't believe she's still sucking up. And furthermore, you would think Amy would have gotten a more attractive dress, because she really is a pretty girl, but that dress looks like a coat, it makes her look bulkily pregnant without making her look resplendently pregnant, and the flat hair is not going her face any favors. Not that it's about that, really. Because this is about merit, people.
Regis now says that when you apply for a job, you need references. So now, we're going to speak to Kelly's former commanding officer, whose name I am not going to try to spell. But Regis just wants the guy to know that the military rules, and not just in the martial-law sense. Everyone applauds for the troops. Yay, troops! The colonel stands up and tells Trump that Kelly is the guy, as he has shown "week after week after week." In other words, rather than giving his experience with Kelly, the officer is giving his opinion of the show, in which case he could have stayed home. He goes on to praise Kelly for the values he got from his family, and from the military, and the values that have made him a success. Kelly, Kelly, goooooo, Kelly! "You'd be remiss not to hire him," says the colonel. As a leader, is Kelly at the top or in the middle? "At the very top," says the colonel. It would have been great if he had said "It was fifteen years ago, hoss. How the hell do I know?" And then Regis throws us to San Diego for a party of some of Kelly's West Point classmates. Who, presumably, will take any opportunity for boozing.
up is Jen's boss, the head of American operations at Clifford Chance. "I guess you're rooting for Jennifer to win it here, right?" Regis asks. "Well," says the boss, "actually, now that I listen to all of these people, I realize that they must all be right, and Kelly is probably better, and I apologize for wasting everyone's time." No, no, he doesn't. Although didn't you think he was kind of going to? In fact, he says (of course) that he's pulling for Jen: "She's smart, she's tough, she's business-savvy -- but boss-to-boss, I'll tell you, you'd be making a mistake if you didn't hire her." And speaking "boss-to-boss," he probably likes her a lot more since he's in New York and she's in Palo Alto. They're not exactly having lunch together. Anyway, he insists that they would be sad to lose Jen, but that they'd be thrilled for her to win. And then we cut to the New York headquarters of Clifford Chance, where Jen doesn't work, where they're having a big party to scream with excitement for her. Oh, good. A room full of lawyers screaming. I see that room when I wake up in a cold sweat at 3 in the morning. Although again, for some reason? No pants.
Trump now suggests that we "open up the floor to the audience." The first person who is called on is a guy named John, who cites Kelly's "leadership qualities" and tries to get off a little joke by saying to Regis that Kelly is his "final answer." Dude. You've got to blow on your jokes occasionally, and if a half-inch of dust wafts back in your face? Leave them to die. Just a suggestion.
up, a woman named Lisa stands up and says that Jen and Kelly are both great, but that Kelly has a law degree and and MBA, and he has "practical work experience." She goes on to make some very impenetrable statements about companies, and working in companies, and learning from working for companies in companies and about companies, or something, and I become confused and have to administer oxygen to myself. Thanks, Lisa!
One more: a woman named Karen stands up and says that she likes Jen. She feels like "the lone crusader." She says that Jen has "this quiet power." Yeah. It's the kind of power that makes people think she's not doing anything, when really, she is. That's quite a power she's got there. "She motivated people who didn't like her," Karen insists. Like...who? Who was motivated by Jen? No one was motivated by Jen. Pam and Chris worked on that task because that's who they are, and Stacy worked on it because she's an insufferable suck-up, and I haven't ever seen any evidence that she "doesn't like" Jen. In fact, they probably share a lawyer's self-pity club in which they discuss the pains of being smarter than everyone else.
When Karen has sat down, Trump calls all of this debate "very interesting," and Regis says that they're going to change it up! Make it wacky! Call the whole thing into question! And how? Well, they're going to call the fired candidates back early. Boy, that is pretty wild. Let me get some tranquilizers. Oh, wait. I'll just use the show. As we go to commercials, there's a shot of Jen and Kelly sitting on the couch, waiting, and she's kind of tapping her foot in the air, like, "Well, this is just great."
When we return, Regis insists again that, contrary to the plan, we're going to bring the contestants out early to help Trump out, because he just doesn't know what to do. Here's my question: what were they going to be doing at this point in the show, if not endlessly deliberating the choice? I mean, we've been sitting here for about fifteen minutes; are we losing out on things that were going to happen post-firing? Somehow, I just find it oh-so-slightly difficult to believe that they have changed the plan for the middle part of the show entirely on the fly, just because they're wacky. Not really credible to me. Anyway, Regis introduces all sixteen previously eliminated contestants, who are seated in chairs off to the side. Regis opens by asking Ivana about her well-known dislike of Jen. Does that mean she's for Kelly winning? Ivana says that she does think Kelly deserves to win, but it's toooootally not because she can't stand Jen. She's able to put her personal feelings just completely out of her mind. Because...hey, this is business. "In all fairness, Ivana, you hated Jennifer," Trump says. "'Hate' is a strong word," Ivana says, choosing not to say, as she should have, "I certainly do not hate her." ["Well, she shouldn't have said that she doesn't hate Jen if she does. And, come on. She does." -- Wing Chun] Trump tries to goad Ivana some more into admitting that she hates Jen, and Ivana grits her teeth and calls Jen "a very qualified candidate." Nevertheless, she'd choose Kelly. Well, that was enlightening.
How about Wes? Well, Wes opens with a bit of a psych-out, saying that he would hire Jen to work with him or for him. But! Kelly is someone he would hire to run a company. So...I think what he's saying in his strange, confused, I-haven't-been- the-same-since- I-collided- with-Maria kind of way is that he would hire Jen, but as a worker bee, not a boss. Trump sticks to his "I refuse to have it be a professional decision" thing and says he was under the impression that Wes didn't like Kelly. Wes acknowledges that he threw Kelly off his team, but I am hardly paying attention, because I am mesmerized by Maria, who is sitting to Wes in an overwhelmingly stiff-looking red dress and who, somehow, has her already very-short hair doing something that makes her look a lot more like a man in drag than she did on the show. And it's not like she wasn't already kind of...well, you know. Anyway, Trump teases out of Wes that he respects Kelly in spite of having disliked him enough to throw him off the team. I'm sure that does not really please Trump, who likes everything to end in bitter acrimony, like a marriage does.
Now, Trump calls on Andy who, as we know, can't stand Kelly. Trump once again has to call out Andy for being "killed by the women" -- how embarrassing! -- and then he asks Andy for his opinion. Andy says that he actually favors Raj (hilarious, pipsqueak; MOVE ALONG), but since he can't vote for Raj, he'd "give the edge to Jen," whom he says is "very intelligent" but also "very passionate." And also, she thinks Harvard makes her hot shit, and I'm sure Andy is all about that theory. Essentially, most of the people in the room hate Kelly slightly less than they hate Jen, but Andy hates Jen slightly less than he hates Kelly. Not surprising, given that Kelly reserved his crappiest and most insulting behavior for Andy.
Trump calls out to Chris -- who, incidentally, cleaned up well for this finale and looks awesome. Trump asks him, "How do you feel," and Chris says, "Very well, thank you," which Trump impatiently mocks, because why would Chris think that by asking how he felt, Trump wanted to know how he felt? Idiot. No one cares how you feel! But Trump throws out a patronizing "He's going to be very successful," at which Chris visibly scoffs and says, "I'm already successful." Ha! Yeah. I don't like Chris, but I awarded the point for that one, that's for sure. Chris claims that as between Jen and Kelly, it's a difficult choice because "they're both intelligent," but ultimately, based on experience, he would hire Kelly. And, you'll remember, he could barely bring himself to make a decision in the final Boardroom, and that was before he watched all the episodes, so there's a vote Jen lost somewhere along the way. Trump comments that "Kelly's doing pretty well."
And now John -- who is basically irrelevant at this point -- gets himself on camera by saying that he wants to take up for Jen, who is being "thrown under a bus." And I guess that all it takes to be "thrown under a bus" these days is to see someone else scored higher than you are by a lot of people. Give me a fucking break. Jen talked a million times about being in it to win; if you're going to try to get a job on a reality show by way of a damn competition, it's not moral offense against you for you to lose, even decisively. I'll tell you something else -- John would never have gotten all "Oh, we're hurting her feeeeeelings" if Jen were a guy. Never, never, EVER. This is the kind of thing that is so sexist and patronizing, and John doesn't even know it. Jen's not made of sugar just because she's a woman. She can perfectly well hear people say they believe she was outperformed, which is what's being said, without bursting into tears. John goes so far as to say he's "impressed that she didn't get up and walk off," proving that his standard is that everyone should be assumed to be a crying, whiny baby until proven otherwise. Seriously, get up and leave? Because you're losing? Unbelievable. And, again, totally sexist and totally patronizing, because the same thing would never be suggested of a man in a hundred years. Men sit there all the time and get judged for their performance in a variety of ways, and people don't say, "Oh, how dare you make him sit through that!" Shut up, John, and don't do me any favors. Oh, and he calls her "a phenomenal girl." I don't have strict rules about who can call me a "girl" and who can't (except that it's okay for cute waiters), but I'll tell you this: If I could drink you under the table and argue you under the table and if I could do them sequentially in that order, then you may not. And I suspect that by that standard? Shut up some more, John.
Trump then turns his attention to Kevin and Sandy, praising them and stammering his way through a one of the shittiest introductions I have ever heard. He's seriously barely coherent at this point. Sandy says that, in her opinion, the competition has to be viewed "as a whole." She praises Kelly for his leadership, and his three times out as PM, and says she hopes that Trump "would want to hire a leader." What in gracious's name is Sandy wearing? She looks like she's playing a classical composer in an abstract disco video. Kevin throws in that Jen and Kelly are "both very qualified people," but reminds Trump that, for whatever it's worth, Kelly's record is a lot better. Kelly's 10-4, and Jen is 6-8. Not close. Believing that "the records speak for themselves," Kevin gives it to Kelly.
Oh, Pamela. She doesn't like either of Jen or Kelly, but she makes some kind of pro-Jen argument based on "business ethics," which she doesn't explain, so it doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense. She does praise Jen's "compassion for other people," which is...interesting, and which perhaps one might ask Sandy about. But anyway. Apparently, Pamela has some kind of bonnet-bee about business ethics having to do with Kelly. It would be nifty to know what it was, but that would take away from the time available for random strangers in the audience to yell out their opinions.
Regis tells us that we are going to commercials, and that when we return, Trump will make the final call. I can't even say "it's about time," due to its already being about an hour and a half past time.
And indeed, when we return, Regis gives the introduction for Jen via a series of clips of her awesomeness. And then Jen comes out and gives the dopey two-handed wave to the audience, and finally, she has a seat at the Boardroom table. Trump asks her if she's having fun. "Having a great time," she says, wearing the unmistakably uncomfortable smile of She Whose Chickens Are Coming Home To Roost, And Boy, Do They Cluck Loud. Regis introduces the clip show by which we remind ourselves that we don't like Kelly, either. Kelly now comes out and manages to avoid the two-handed wave, so there's one thing he did right. He goes over and pushes in Jen's chair as they sit down, which, yeah, not so much with the gesture of dominance, dick. For some stupid reason, seeing her chair pulled out causes Trump to turn to Jen and says, "You're actually a much nicer person than people think," to which she answers, "I'm only tough when I have to be." She's nicer? Because people don't pull out chairs for bitches? You know, actually, that would explain a lot.
Trump opens the festivities by asking Jen "why [Trump] should not take Kelly over [her]." The house lights go down, leaving Jen spotlighted as she explains that she has "risen to the top of every organization of which [she's] been a part." She claims to have risen to the top of her class at Princeton. She says she "rose to the top at Harvard" (meeeeaning?), "rose to the top at [her] law firm" (meeeeaning?), and she "lead[s] in a little bit of a quieter way than Kelly." I'd just like to point out that graduating at the top of your class in law school or college does not require leadership. I graduated pretty well-situated from law school, and I didn't do anything to achieve that particular distinction except take exams. So "rising to the top" of an academic class certainly doesn't make you a leader; it makes you academically strong. Which is fine. Academics are nice -- they're academics.
Anyway, trying to answer the criticisms that have been made of her all season, Jen goes on to rattle off a list of her "accomplishments," and it turns out to be one of those situations where you're really better off not naming your accomplishments if they don't sound very good. She claims that she came up with the name for the "Metamorphor" in the first task. Which...is fine, but takes about three seconds. She then claims that she "helped create the ice cream flavor" -- that would be the ice cream flavor that we saw Maria propose, so what do you suppose a weaselly phrase like "helped create" means, exactly? Because she could have been a taster, for all the meaning that has. She brings up the QVC task -- pretty much her one true accomplishment, in which it's hard to dispute she did well. But again, that's presentation, and I don't think there's anyone who disputes that Jen is a very smooth public speaker, or even that she's infinitely better at that particular function than Kelly is. If I were picking a PR representative, I'd totally go with Jen, assuming she didn't have to manage anyone. Anyway, she also says that she washed and groomed dogs, which would be better if Kelly hadn't done exactly the same thing in exactly the same task, making it hard to make that a "pro" for yourself. Jen calls all of these things "quiet leadership." Huh. I think I'll have to call bullshit on the act of yelling "Metamorphor!" being referred to as "quiet leadership." Hip to public opinion of her and the one thing for which she earned most of her early goodwill, Jen brings up "defending a scapegoat on [her] team," and again, I was certainly glad she did that, at least somewhat, although my sense is that that was about how much she couldn't stand Elizabeth more than it was about trying to help Stacie. She refers to her own "strong integrity" in doing "these things," so I guess she's giving herself integrity points for the Red Velvet. Interesting.
Trump points out to Jennifer that "a lot of [her] teammates did not like [her]." Hard to argue with that. Jen says that she was "willing to take an unpopular approach if it meant defending someone who was a scapegoat" (hmm, never bring up the same thing twice in fifteen seconds; it sounds desperate) or "standing up for [her] integrity." Those would be better arguments if those were the reasons no one liked her. No one liked her, it seemed to me, because she didn't do any work and, frustratingly, Trump didn't seem to care. That might not be why Ivana didn't like her, but I think it's why, say, Sandy didn't like her, and I think it's why Kevin didn't like her. And I don't really think that Jen's shouting at Sandy about Jen's superior "intellectual horsepower," which is probably a big part of why Sandy doesn't like her, was a time when it was necessary to defend her integrity. But wait! Maybe it was. Jen goes on: "I was not willing to talk behind people's backs." So apparently, her argument is that she should be admired for being so nasty to people (like Sandy) that they couldn't stand her, because the only alternative is to say the same things behind their backs. Is that the idea? Now that is some high-grade bullshit. I have no use for her, but I wouldn't want her for an enemy, because that is an incredibly audaciously ridiculous argument, and there's a place for those in the world.
Trump returns to one of his favorite themes. "Jennifer," he says. "Kelly went to West Point. You went to Princeton and Harvard. Do you think that gives you or him the advantage -- both great." Jen goes for a totally losing argument by saying that West Point is a fine school, but that Princeton and Harvard and rankings blah dee blah, and that argument's a non-starter, because people will tell you that what matters about West Point won't show up in rankings. So...! Oh, and Jen hurts ears all over America with her pronunciation of "magna cum lawwwwd" from Princeton. Fortunately, she tells us that she graduated in the "top five percent" of her class at Princeton, which is helpful when you're dealing with a person who tells you she graduated with honors from a school that currently has a Grade Inflation Task Force. Jen starts to slide into Kinda Sad when she brings up her undergraduate Pine Prize nomination, and Trump is like, "Yeah, lots of awards, great, great." Refusing, as usual, to listen to what anyone else has to say, Jen simply barges along, telling Trump that she was "a member of the Princeton Honor Society" and -- no fooling -- "president of [her] sorority." And of all those things -- of all the things that Jen just named, there is one that involves leadership. I'll give you a minute to look. Did you find it? It's, "President of my sorority." So if you're wondering why on earth a smart woman would go to a job interview and, with a total lack of irony, bring up being president of her sorority in a job interview she conducts when she's years and years out of undergrad, that's the reason. It's all she's got. She's never run a company, she's never worked for herself, she's never led so much as a book club, according to the résumé she just rattled off for Trump. It's a lot of academic awards -- which, don't get me wrong, are impressive, and she clearly has book smarts out the wazoo, which are nothing to sneeze at -- and then she has her leadership qualifications, which consist of...having been president of her sorority. So she brought it up, because...why not?
Trump, impressed as usual by Jen's barrage of crap, tells Kelly that he "had better get going," not that he's even been allowed to talk yet. So Kelly takes a breath and prepares to talk. But clearly, even though Trump is trying to move to Kelly, Jen again fails to listen to what the guy she's supposed to impress is saying, and simply goes back to talking, putting Trump in the position of forcibly cutting her off: "I have to give [Kelly] a chance." So that's twice she ignored "wrap it up" signals from Trump, making him do the awkward business of shutting her up. Bad form, and again, the kind of klutzy etiquette that lawyers engage in all the time once they get inside The Bubble and forget how normal people deal with each other.
Finally, Kelly gets to talk, and he says he should be chosen based on "experience and consistency." Wow. Inspiring. I can almost hear the sound of trumpets when I think of a man who has shown...consistency, zzzzzzzz. Kelly says that West Point trains leaders, and says that he then got experience in the Army. Trump asks him to focus on business, and Kelly points out that Ace told Trump that military experience does translate into business in that you know both how to follow and lead. Kelly also points out that he's taken his two graduate degrees and started several businesses. No, no, Kelly! Don't point out your education! Trump hates that! He's already fired the most educated person he's ever seen! Kelly rattles off his areas of actual functional business experience -- "marketing, sales, finance" -- but Trump cuts him off. He just wants to know whether Kelly thinks West Point is an advantage over Harvard and Princeton, because that's apparently the theme. Kelly says that he greatly respects Princeton and Harvard, and has nothing negative to say about them. Thus, by refusing to get into the pissing match in the first place, he wins the point without even answering the question, so...the guy is smooth, if nothing else. Kelly returns to his winning record on tasks, comparing his 10-4 to Jen's record of 6-8, meaning that, more often than not, Jen came out of tasks on the losing side.
Trump asks Jen to explain her record, which she does by saying that her team sucked. Which...it did, but on the other hand, she lost the Pepsi task, when there were only three people on he team. That's...getting pretty lonely. She lost the bridal task, when there were only four people on the team. She lost the house task, when there were only five people on the team. In other words, Jen continued to have plenty of losses after she was no longer part of the bitchy-ass women's team and its streak of infighting-related losses. Moreover, because Jen makes the mistake of introducing this problem as part of being on "an all-female team" that had all these problems, Trump quite correctly asks her whether she means to suggest that being on a team of women was a disadvantage, and even though she sort of does, she recovers well by saying that it was this particular team that was the problem, and not because they were women. Jen returns to her argument that the PMs didn't pull her into the Boardroom, and the problem she has there is that Carolyn and, I think, Trump believe that to be partly politics, and it comes off sounding like Jen's trying to cut herself loose from her teams. Which you kind of can't do, because you're kind of on the hook for them whether you want to be or not. It's not just whether you caused the loss. It's what you did to get the win, and to my eye, Jen usually did nothing. And much of the time, she benefited from the fact that there was so much infighting on her teams that people were being dragged to the final table for reasons having nothing to do with performance. She makes this sound good, talking on and on about how a PM has the incentive to pull in the weakest person -- even though we know they usually don't -- they never chose her, blah blah. This is by far her best argument, much better than "Princeton, Harvard, president of my sorority."
Trump turns to Kelly and says, "She's very impressive tonight, Kelly." Rather pointedly, Kelly says, "She is always impressive in the Boardroom, Mr. Trump." Knowing a potentially deflating comment when she hears one, Jen jumps in to say, "I am also impressive in my real life." Trump goes back to Kelly, creating a lot of tension by telling him, "Bad things are happening." Kelly brings up his best argument, which is that at least he does work on every task, whether he's the PM or not. Unable to let anyone else talk for thirty seconds, Jen leaps in, all, "As did I." Which she didn't. Kelly says that he "absolutely respect[s] Jen," and he "think[s] she's very powerful in the Boardroom," and for some reason, this drives Trump back to his weird fetish for getting people to say they hate each other. "Do you hate her?" he asks. "Do you hate her? You hate her, and you respect her." "I don't hate Jen," Kelly asks, giving the only appropriate answer to a truly stupid question. Jen starts to talk, and Trump holds up a hand and says, "It's time." Jen completely ignores him and starts talking again, so he holds up the hand again and says, "It's time." Ignoring him again, Jen says, "Can I make one more point?" He ignores her as the audience applauds. You can see that she puts her hand up again, ignoring Trump's third shot at getting her to shut up.
Trump says it's a very tough call. Jen has great credentials, she beat up on the debate champion...all very impressive. He says that her teammates "did not really like [her]," however. And he adds that she lost a lot. He turns back to Kelly and says that he has a much better win-loss record than Jen, certainly, but Trump isn't sure about his leadership, really, in spite of West Point. He's "just not so sure" that Kelly's going to be a great leader. And if you listen to what Trump does, I don't think he really strings Jen along as much as some people thought, because he says a series of bad things about Kelly, and then he says, "Jennifer, nevertheless...I have to say...you're fired. Kelly, you're hired." The "nevertheless" was pretty much a dead giveaway. You wouldn't say a bad thing about someone and then say you were "nevertheless" firing him.
Aaaanyway, Kelly and Jen shake hands, and then he reaches over and shakes Trump's hand and thanks him. And the crowd goes...well, the crowd goes "yay," at least. Hugs are exchanged among all the contestants. Regis promises us that lots of stuff is still coming up, including lots of gossip, and...Omarosa! Who I can only hope is now just about done, given that we have a whole new crop of former contestants.
When we first return, Regis shows us that Kelly is sitting over with the rest of the candidates, and Trump replays last year by bringing Kelly over to sit at the table. When Kelly goes to get Carolyn's chair, Trump tells him not to. Because Carolyn's "very tough." And I would repeat, the pulling out of chairs is fine in social situations and lovely on dates, but in a Boardroom, it's a dick move, because it's about dominance, not etiquette.
And now, the very, very sad part where the O'Jays sing. I really don't want to talk about it. Because they're old, and the song doesn't sound good, and it hurts me. And there's a guy in the audience dancing with Assorama. And the candidates are dancing. Including Little Stacy, who doesn't know where the claps go. And Jen C., who loses a fake nail. And Maria, who thinks she's doing a "the face I'm making is part of the dance" dance. Fortunately, it lasts about thirty seconds, and then the O'Jays are returned to their Plexiglas box. Assorama gives them a standing ovation all by herself. Did that really happen? I'm going to pretend it didn't.
Now, it's time for Trump to offer Kelly two possible jobs. First, Trump is building the new Trump National Hotel Tower And Wife Dungeon in Las Vegas. There, Kelly will have ready access to hookers, and he will hone his skills pointing at many important documents while cameras roll. On stage, Kelly stares at a model of the TNHTAWD and thinks to himself, "Not." Trump now explains that there is also Trump Place in New York, and if Kelly takes that job, he can work for Trump on other buildings, too. In the clip for this project, Trump claims that Trump Place is "one of the largest land developments anywhere in the world." I think if Trump ever goes bankrupt again and they really want to sanction him, they should require him to report accurately the relative significance of all his projects in the future. Brochures would be required to carry yooge headlines such as, "Pretty big!" "Not too shabby!" "A drop in the bucket!" And, of course, many more. Oh, and Trump Place "will continue through 2010," long after Kelly has gone bald and become a local radio talk-show host.
So what does Kelly want to do? Well, he has a minute to think about it. New York? Vegas? A hippie commune and renunciation of all his worldly goods? Nah. Everyone's doing that. You don't want to follow the crowd.
Apparently, Jill Hennessy wasn't busy, because here she is in the audience as we return from commercials. Huh. That's kind of disheartening. If Paul Rudd were bigger, greasier, and less cute, he would be the guy sitting to her.
Regis tells us that it's time for Kelly to announce which project he wants. Kelly says that as much as he loves Vegas, he took the job to learn from Trump. Awww, hug! And therefore, he wants the job in New York, so that he can be near Trump. Awww, hug! "I'm in love with your answer," Trump says. Awww, hug! But they don't. Trump just says that they'll work on lots of jobs together, blah dee blah. I feel so let down that there was no hug. They shake hands again.
Regis reminds Kelly to keep the traffic moving. HA. Not.
And now, we have...clips! First, a montage called, "Pressure." And just in case you haven't seen Stacie and the Magic 8-Ball yet, they show it again. And then they show Elizabeth freaking out over being Flyer Girl. And Maria flipping out in the Levi's task. All she wanted was to give, give! And Kevin and Elizabeth arguing during the NYPD task. We return to Regis, and Trump then asks about the 8-Ball. Stacie says, as she has before in other arenas, that she wasn't being weird, she was just trying to show passion and pump up the team. She says that she was just playing around with the 8-Ball, and honestly, if I were her, by this time, I'd just have dropped it, because every time she gets into this level of detail, she looks foolish. You're not a freak for playing with a Magic 8-Ball, which is a toy, meant to be played with. Stop explaining. She calls it "a classic example of the weak people getting together to get rid of the strong." Trump shuts her down. "Stacie, you know what?" he says. "Say no more. You were terrific. You were terrific, and they all know it. Okay?" The rest of the group applauds. Because they have some tiny amount of shame.
Regis then moves on the Jen C., who, of course, got hammered for her "fat Jewish ladies" comment. "You took a really terrible hit," Trump says to her. She and her nine remaining fingernails report that if she could take it back, she certainly would. She says that she thinks everybody says silly things that they regret, and she suspects that everybody sympathizes. She insists, though, that she isn't a bigot, blah blah. And then Trump leans forward and says, "We all think you're terrific; we don't believe a word of what you say." Wait, what? Again, Trump has baffled me. She stands up and gives Trump an exaggerated bow. And then Trump totally confuses the situation by then saying, "And I want to say that Jennifer, I think you're terrific." And he's talking to Jen M., but Jen C. very understandably thinks he's still talking to her. And at the end, she thanks him, which is reeeeally embarrassing. And then she figures out he meant the other one, and she makes a very hilarious face, because...I felt for her. That one was not her fault.
During the commercial break, they promote The Contender, which it appears is something like Extreme Makeover: Family Boxing Edition.
And when they return, they're still promoting it, and Sugar Ray Leonard is in the audience to tell us that this upcoming Mark Burnett show is totally the bomb. And it's not a reality show, as it turns out. It's a movie.
And now, the "Fights" clip. Elizabeth versus Maria! Jen C. versus Judaism! Raj versus a bagel! Jen versus Sandy! And when we return, Trump still thinks it's really funny that two chicks beat Andy in a fight! Ha ha! Women! Ha ha! Andy says that he "was just lucky to be part of the whole thing." Trump assures Andy that everyone loves him.
And now, a segment devoted to Raj, the Dog. He hits on Anna Kournikova! He gets fired! And then he stops and tries to pick up Robin. He's no Evil Dr. Will, but I maintain that he does have something of an evil thrall. ["Boo." -- Wing Chun] When we come back to the stage, Raj -- decked out this evening in a pink bow tie -- informs Trump that he did indeed have coffee with the lovely Robin. Indeed, in the audience, Robin confirms that it was coffee, while seemingly trying to make Raj admit that it was coffee. I wonder if she really had coffee with him. Because if she did...heh. Evil thrall! She does tell him that he "may need to work on [his] pickup lines." Trump tells Robin that he appreciates her, which is Trump for "You're done talking."
Regis, apropos of nothing, explains that Genworth raised $21,000 for the Alzheimer's Association and donated $250,000 more during Kelly's polo match. And then he promises us that, after the commercials, we will discuss sex.
And when we come back, Regis does indeed introduce us to the clip segment about using sex to sell. Chris sells to the gay guys! Jen and Sandy sell M&Ms! Ivana drops her skirt for $20! I have to say, that is still so horrifying. And the time I hear her claim it was a bikini, I'm going to pop her in the jaw, because...really, really not. When the clip montage is over, Regis asks Trump if he would ever use sex to sell. Trump claims he "would never ever stoop so low." But he says it like he's kidding. And then Regis turns to Ivana, pointing out that at one time, she said she would never use sex to sell a product, and by the end of the season, she was selling peeks. Regis asks her what she was thinking. "What can I say? I'm a spontaneous person!" Ivana says, contradicting other interviews in which she has claimed that she planned the entire thing and it wasn't spontaneous at all. I wonder which one is true. It's so hard when there are a bunch of different stories. Trump asks Ivana whether she regrets doing it. She stammers. "I mean -- to be fair -- you know, I just can't change that about me, I'm going to be a spontaneous person...blah blah blah, big successes, big failures...to be fair, I was wearing a swimsuit [pop!]..." Trump, trying again to bail her out, jumps in: "Would you have done it again?" "Um, in that situation..." Trump decides that enough is enough. "You know what?" he says. "Say no. We're trying to help you. Say no." Ivana laughs and finally says, "No!" Because being known as the girl who dropped her skirt on TV is going to be hilarious in ten years, isn't it?
As Trump continues to tease Ivana about being remembered for being "very smart" and also "having a very good figure," Kevin jumps in. He points out that, as Ivana's teammate on that task, he appreciated her being prepared to "go the extra mile." "Kevin," Trump says cluelessly, "who's asking you about sex?" "Well, I did answer the phone shirtless, Mr. Trump," Kevin says. SHOUT-OUT! Hee hee. Yes, I am claiming that. Having uttered the sentence, "I have to say, after shirtless Kevin, everything else is a real letdown," I am claiming it. Come on, I'm not crazy! Okay, I probably am. I'm still taking it. And then things get kinda weird when Trump tells Kevin he has "a hell of a body." Don't harass Kevin, Trumpy.
For no particular reason except that time is running out, we are forced back into the audience to talk to Assorama. And this just cannot be over soon enough for me. Asked what she thinks of the women, Assorama says that she won't "beat up on Ivana," but claims that there's a double-standard. Because Chris is aggressive and is called a hero, and Pamela is aggressive and gets to be a bitch. Which is a real phenomenon, but that's a very badly executed example, because Chris is not the male Pamela. Maybe Kevin in the NYPD thing, or Kelly a few other times. Who ever thought Chris was a hero? Nobody, that's who. Stupid Assorama, stepping on her own point. Anyway, she goes on to say, "Jennifer, I think you rock!" Which will go miles to restore Jen's credibility, obviously. Assorama says that "it's better to be respected than liked." Of course, Jen was neither, but that's neither here nor there when you're as much of a crazy-butt as Assorama. Finally, she sits down, and Trump says that everyone respects Jen.
Now, Regis tells us that shooting is already over for The Apprentice 3, and now we're getting "a sneak peek." The good news is that we will not be getting men against women. The bad news is that we will be getting "book smarts" versus "street smarts." The good news is that the season isn't nearly so full of Barbies as it was this year. The bad news is that one of the guys looks like a younger version of Jimmy James. And it looks like Quentin Tarantino's puffier cousin is playing. So that will be fun.
After one more set of commercials, Trump congratulates Jennifer again, and then Kelly again, and tells Kelly to go and get in the limo. He shakes hands with everyone and takes off. That wasn't very glorious. But Regis tells us that we'll be able to buy stuff from the show for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation. Oh, or apply for Season 4. And they thank everyone for all of their help. And isn't Trump great? Good night!
It's not often that I can watch something with Donald Trump in it and feel like I was absolutely shocked by how stupid it was. That was quite an accomplishment. I can't wait for season.