Trading Places

Props to Miss Alli's Mom, who taped this so that I wouldn't be completely hosed by the moronic scheduling decisions of NBC, which seems determined to drive me to drink (not that it takes much) by running the first twenty minutes of this against the last twenty minutes of Survivor. Bite me, NBC. And play nice.

Previously on Raising the Barfly: Times Square brought news that the teams would each be responsible for managing a night at Planet Hollywood. Extremely short skirts and stiletto boots, you will not be shocked to hear, ensued. Oh, and so did efforts to get people so drunk that they wound up in the hospital having 150-proof stomach acid pumped out of their bellies. Business management is all about good judgment, you know. The men, on the other hand, spent a lot of time randomly harassing people on the street, trying to force them to do things no one wants to do. Seduce family, for one thing. Go inside Planet Hollywood, for another. Kwame and Troy pulled an ethically queasy stunt to capitalize on people's absurd hunger to run up to fame and lick it all over until it begs for mercy. Nick and Bill thought the line was crossed; Troy and Kwame insisted they were dancing just on the acceptable side, albeit drunkenly, and with their asses occasionally crossing the invisible plane. The men unsurprisingly got trounced, because the amount of money it takes to get the autograph of a professional athlete is ultimately no match for what it costs in booze to find Heidi funny. The women received a lukewarm talking-to for making every single task into a bordello tour, and ultimately, Kwame brought Nick and Bowie to the final table in the Boardroom. When Trump got his hands on the boys, he was unhappy with Nick for checking out of the task, and unhappy with Kwame for poor management, but he was underwhelmed by Bowie to the point where he was the one to go. Bye, Bowie. You were excellent in the "Dancing In The Streets" video, by the way. "Who will be fired tonight?"

Credits. "Money money money moooo-ney!"

We fade in on S4, where the usual Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch is underway, all the candidates anxious to see who was booted. Assorama bitches in her old red-shirt interview -- which I think is from all the way back at Episode 2 -- that everyone else seems to think they're supposed to like each other, but that she has concluded that every trip to the Boardroom will eliminate someone. She doesn't explain why those things are contradictory, but whatever. I have a feeling she doesn't exactly seek out the harmonious answers to these things. Nick and Kwame return somewhat subdued from the Boardroom, and Amy interviews that she "was really surprised when Bowie didn't come back." She says that everyone had expected that it would be Nick who was fired, which isn't all that illogical, considering that Nick basically punked out on his team halfway through the task. I'm still a little puzzled that that didn't bother Trump more than it did. Nick hugs Heidi, saying that he had expected to be fired himself, and then, of course, heading to the bathroom to wipe the liquid shimmer off his lapel. Heidi then interviews that she thinks the morale on VersaCorp is "pretty bad." What with the four consecutive losses, you know. I'm telling you, nothing gets past this girl. She says she thinks the boys are aware that they're doing something wrong, but that they can't figure out what. Again, I have to compliment her perceptiveness, because otherwise, I would have figured the men didn't feel at all concerned. The Oracle of Heidi, last heard telling us that Sam would not be fired, continues to impress.

Boyfriend Bill and Troy talk outside, and Boyfriend Bill says that he doesn't want to look back on the experience and feel like the guys "cut each other's throats." He and Troy exchange a quick hug of the "I like you just enough to tolerate you for my own purposes, mwah-hah-ha" variety, and Troy says that the men are "still a team." Troy interviews that they're all very competitive guys, and that they're on a streak of four consecutive losses, so obviously, that hurts. There's really not much more for the guys to do except change the name of their team to Job. Elsewhere, Katrina asks Nick whether he's looking to "prove that men can still prevail," and he says he is. "I feel your pain," she grins, for no particular reason. I don't know; maybe she also wants to prove that men can still prevail. Nick interviews that Trump basically put it to him last time to lead the team this time, and he says that when he delivers the win, it'll be especially satisfying and make him look especially good on the heels of the four defeats. The sun -- oh, sorry, the Trump National Sun -- sets and rises. Oooh, pretty -- gold-plated.

The morning, Assorama answers the jangling silver phone. I kind of wish she'd pick it up and say, "This is Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth," but then the show would be over. Actually, if she said, "Hello, you have reached Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, good morning," she'd have a haiku. Anyway, she's told that all the candidates have to meet with Trump in the Boardroom in one hour, and that the project managers should sit directly in front of Donald. Boyfriend Bill is just waking up and looking at his watch. I think they're not so much with the early rising in S4. It's all that late-night "strategizing." Everybody gets up and gets ready, with the blow-drying and the eyeliner and the plotting of one's future as a guest on Hollywood Squares. Kristi interviews that she was excited to "see what was coming ." Hey, it's morning. Maybe there will be Pop-Tarts.

Everyone strolls into the Boardroom. Carolyn and someone who is not George sit at the ends of the table, and then Trump walks in. He tells them that "George is on a big important business trip," which I guess the candidates are not smart enough to understand, and he says that instead, Bernie Diamond -- one of Donald's many lawyers -- will be sitting in. Feh. Bernie is no George. He kind of looks like the guy who would try take George's job and find himself abruptly crushed under the wheels of George's Giant Caddy of Justice. Trump summarizes that it's only the fifth week of a thirteen-week process, and that the men are already toast. (He doesn't say "toast," but again, I think I am on a breakfast theme.) Therefore, there's now going to be what Trump calls a "corporate reshuffle." Kristi and Nick -- in whom Trump obviously has taken a special interest -- will now choose teams. Nick has to start by choosing a woman, and Kristi has to start by choosing a man. Each team will wind up with two men and four women. Nick's first pick is Amy -- good choice. Kristi's first pick is Troy -- not a bad pick, but not the right pick, either. The right pick was Boyfriend Bill, and it would be totally obvious, had she been paying attention. Trump makes a big deal out of how surprised he is by that pick, which I think does two things: (1) insults Troy; and (2) expresses that Trump agrees with me about Boyfriend Bill, because I'm pretty sure he's not saying he can't believe Kristi didn't pick Kwame. Nick leaps at the chance to pick Boyfriend Bill now, for himself. (Oh, not like that.) (That would be a good episode, though. Hey, they did promise nookie week.) Kristi picks Jessie, which I think is a pick based on friendship, because...Jessie? Although honestly, I like so few of the women that I'm not sure once Nick took Amy that there was very much Kristi could have done. Pick...Katrina, maybe, but after that? Yeah. The pickings, they are slim, and they all involve a generous side helping of crazy. Nick takes Katrina, and Kristi takes Kwame. Nick picks Ereka; Kristi picks Heidi. Nick looks back and forth between Tammy and Assorama -- looking like he's thinking there must be another girl he can pick from -- but he finally picks Tammy, leaving Assorama to Kristi's team. The killer thing about that process was that there's a big, big drop-off between the best available guy -- Boyfriend Bill -- and the rest of the guys. There's also a big drop-off between the best woman -- Amy -- and the rest of the women. Kristi managed to miss out on the one of those at which she had a shot, so Nick got both of them. Furthermore, Kristi took Heidi. On purpose. And almost made it look like a sane decision. How can the women be winning when they all seem like dopes? Anyway, Kristi's team is still called Protg, and Nick's is still VersaCorp.

Trump now explains the task: they're being given a thousand dollars, with which they will go and buy whatever items they'd like. Then they'll sell those items at a flea market. Whoever makes the most profit will win. That's it, it's over, and everyone is dismissed. Get out of Trump's way. He has to go home and admire his reflection in the bottom of the bathroom sink. Boyfriend Bill interviews that he's happy about the new team, and that he thinks he's on the better team. Yeah, I think we all think that, Boyfriend Bill.

VersaCorp gets on the move quickly, and we see the team members walking down the street together. Ereka interviews that she loves her new team; it doesn't have tension like the women's team did. You know, the team with Oma-you-know-who-a on it, if you know what she means. Ereka, too, grins that "Nick picked a very strong team." Amy gets down to business in a mini-interview, explaining that the team has decided to make and sell women's clothing and jewelry. (week's task: Open your own sweatshop.) They're on the prowl for ribbon, t-shirts, tank tops, and jewelry. This is so totally high-school spirit week, and they are so making shirts for the whole field hockey team. Eeeeee! VersaCorp lingers in a ribbon store, as the women examine various ribbons. Boyfriend Bill calls on the Space Communicator and says that he has t-shirts for $14 for a dozen. "Yeah, get 'em," Amy puts in, and Nick gives Bill the go-ahead. ["The fashion retailer who lives in my house confirmed that that was an extremely fair wholesale price." -- Wing Chun] Nick, Tammy explains, is deferring to the women to pick and buy the product, which makes sense, after all, considering that it's women's clothing. She interviews that she doesn't think it's smart for Nick to give up this much of the management, because this is his "moment to shine," and he's still trying to bail out his ass from last week. Yeah, Nick sure seems likely to shine in the week of women's clothing and jewelry. Tammy predicts that Nick will be back in the Boardroom and will get fired. Jeez, Tammy, way to have faith in your team. Anyway, VersaCorp is buying a bunch of flowers and other girly stuff. Yeah, flowers! And let's get beads! And glitter! Hey, can you use a Bedazzler on a silk scarf?

Elsewhere, Protg wanders, and Troy wonders what they can buy in bulk. Troy talks about finding a Wal-Mart, and Kwame's like, "Yeah, there are no Wal-Marts...you gotta go to Jersey." Heh. Kwame interviews that they had trouble finding a "niche product" for their booth. At this point, a very weird conversation ensues between Jessie and Troy, in which she asks if you can buy dirt. Troy assures her that you can. She gets all excited, and suggests that they sell bags of dirt with a packet of seeds. Huh? Troy talks about how you can plant a heart and watch it grow, or something, and Jessie gets this faraway look in her eyes, and I feel like I missed the segment where Troy got drunk and Jessie hit her head on something heavy. Jessie calls Troy "creative." This is the part where we see Troy get way too excited about selling dirt. "You can buy dirt and speckles of gold and mine for gold," he says, as Jessie furiously takes notes. Dirt notes. Notes about dirt. Scribble away, Jessie! Troy suggests a sandbox with buried treasure, as an increasingly exasperated Kwame calls Kristi on the Space Communicator. Troy talks about selling sand, and Jessie really starts to regret bringing up the whole dirt thing in the first place. She interviews that this was "a little frustrating." Troy makes one more dirt suggestion, and then she interviews that, "behind the madness, there needs to be some organization." Yeah, I think the lesson is, "Don't get Troy going about dirt, because whoooo-ee."

When we return from the break, this week's slogan card says, "Stand Up For Yourself." Donald interviews that you have to fight for yourself, you see, because "nobody else is going to fight for you." Unless you have recently fallen off a swingset and are represented by one of the many personal-injury law firms that advertises in my local area, because they assure me that they will fight for you. We swoop down on Protg, as they visit the flea market to see what's actually selling before they choose a product. Heidi yammers about how there's nothing eye-catching, not like at the grocery store where there's something to catch your eye. I understand what she's saying (as much as I ever do), but she seems to be missing the point, which is that they're there to figure out what people are actually buying. It doesn't really matter whether Heidi thinks the sales tactics are a good idea, because she's not there to give the vendors a critique. She's just there to see what's successfully selling, whether it should be or not. Anyway, she complains some more, and then she interviews that it's important to have a good product, and that you have to have "good clientele." It seems to me that you rather take the clientele as you find it at a flea market, so I'm not sure what that has to do with this particular task, unless she intends to send invitations to rich people telling them to come and shop the flea market. On the up side, the black shirt Heidi's wearing in this interview is one of her more flattering and more age-appropriate choices. She complains that the clientele was "not there" at the location, but I don't know what she expects them to do about it, because they're basically stuck with a flea-market location, so how does she propose to change the clientele? She complains to the team, "This place sucks." So productive, that Heidi.

Kwame interviews, shocking no one, that "Heidi was really negative." He draws a distinction between speaking your mind and "exud[ing] negativity" to the point where you're bringing everybody else's energy down. Heidi is doing the latter. As the team negotiates, Troy says he thinks they need to find a bigger, more expensive item to sell, and that they should rely on making a larger profit on fewer items, rather than selling little somethings that are going to make only a dollar of profit per sale. That seems to me like it's kind of antithetical to the whole idea of flea markets, but then, I am not a businessperson, so I could be wrong. I mean, if you were willing to pay a huge markup, why would you be at a flea market? For the atmospheric pavement and flattering sunburn? Kristi laments that, during their visit to the flea market, they didn't see anything that looked like a good product to sell.

Desperate for a product, Protg splits up. Kristi, Kwame, and Assorama go to Chinatown to look for merchandise, while Heidi, Troy, and Jessie head back to the suite to...do something else, I guess.

VersaCorp, meanwhile, has sent Nick and Katrina out, where they are hunting for a garment rack. Nick spots one in a dumpster, so they set about getting it out. He tells Katrina as she prepares for this ordeal that they have to win, or he'll be fired. "And don't you want dear old Nick around?" he asks. She laughs. "Yeees, Nick, I want you around," she says. Damn, she is very annoying. Katrina announces that this is her first dumpster dive, as Nick helps her up onto the edge to peek in. She spots a car window. Not relevant, but slightly amusing to her, I suppose. This may be the first time she's realized that cars are made from parts of cars. Nick voices over that this "is called using resources; it's called being resourceful." He pauses in his interview to rub his hand over his own hair, and then non-modestly says, "and it was absolutely brilliant." I kind of want to find him funny, but there's something about Nick that just strikes me as ever-so-slightly sketchy, such that I can't quite find him as cute as he thinks he is. I fear that he would hug me and steal my wallet. "Mr. Trump would be proud," Katrina says in an irritating, overenunciated, announcer-girl voice. She says that she wants to go off and find more good stuff. Rooting through the trash kind of gets her hot, I think. "Nick, you look pretty sexy pushing this rack," she blathers. He laughs dismissively, and then says, "Thank you for saying that, though." That was some of the most inept flirting I have ever seen. I mean, I think it would work, but it would not get style points.

Nick interviews that they came up with a plan to buy plain shirts, decorate them, and sell them at a premium. Nick thinks they're simple, they're low-cost, and "it's a phenomenal idea." It's certainly not a bad idea, I'll give them that. Amy (I think) shows Nick a pink sleeveless shirt with a black ribbon that would ride right under the boobs, I think, and is tied in a bow in the middle. It's a little cutesy, but I've seen worse. ["Ribbons are big this year. I see where they were going with it." -- Wing Chun] Nick congratulates himself on the quality of his team, as we see Amy throw back her head and laugh. Among other things, these people are definitely having a lot more fun than their counterparts on the Team Of Absolutely No Fun At All, Ever. "They're all steals in my mind," Nick says. He does seem to have gotten everyone good, as could not be missed during the team-picking. Boyfriend Bill holds up a red shirt decorated with a red-and-white ribbon as Ereka strokes and admires it, and...actually, that is cute. That's not a bad little shirt, for a flea-market homemade dealie. I mean, it's all relative, and it's sort of to wardrobe what Trading Spaces is to decorating, but still, it beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Bill asks Nick to try it on, and they all laugh hysterically. Ah, the timeless amusement of men wearing women's clothing. Not since rubber chickens has a gag been quite so fresh.

Protg, meanwhile, is hanging out in Chinatown. ["Not really. I mean, if I'm right -- to me it looked like they're at Pearl River Mart. I think the neighbourhood it's in is considered to be SoHo, not Chinatown, and its stock is not really that cheap -- not wholesale cheap, certainly, and it's a regular store, so you wouldn't even be able to dicker over the prices there." -- Wing Chun] Assorama and Kwame are trying on a whole series of hats, which...just, no. No cheap Chinatown hats. My favorite part is where Kwame says to Assorama, "Don't...don't get that one that's on your head. That one doesn't look right." Heh.

Kristi gets on the Space Communicator with Heidi. Kristi explains in an interview that the folks who were back at the suite were really pressing them to come up with a product one way or another. Kristi offers the idea of some "beautiful umbrellas" she found. They're not really umbrellas; they're parasols, in that they're certainly not for rain avoidance. In fact, they're not even really for sun avoidance. They're really for decoration, I think. Kristi says they can get the umbrellas for $1.25 each, which appears to me to be a reasonable facsimile of what they're worth. ["See? Not wholesale-y." -- Wing Chun] Assorama says in an interview that in choosing the product, Kristi relied on the opinion of the people at home, rather than the ones with her, which Assorama clearly sees as a bad move. It seems to be a particularly bad move, because Kristi is misleading the people back at the suite about what it is she's proposing. Specifically, Troy asks Kristi whether these things are "practical," and despite the fact that they appear to be made of paper, Kristi weakly says that they are. This in spite of the fact that opened fully, the "umbrella" is about eighteen inches across, I'd say. It's also got a little short handle...I mean, it's just not an umbrella. It's not. When Troy mentions that it will be raining tomorrow and that umbrellas would be great, Kristi tries to say that she thinks it would at least keep the rain off her head somewhat, and Kwame tries to protest, telling her that isn't what the things are for, obviously. What's funny to me is...why didn't they sell umbrellas? I mean, if it's going to rain...wouldn't that have been a good thing to pick up on? Put these things down, and go find some actual umbrellas, right? Sigh. Kristi insists that the parasols are "a quality product," so she appears to be set on the parasol notion. Kwame interviews that Kristi, in trying to lead by consensus, was "a little bit helter-skelter." Oddly, that doesn't seem to be the case at all here -- the case here seems to be that she's pushing too hard and not listening to the team, rather than being too mushy, although I'll agree that was how they got to this point in the first place. Although nobody else has suggested anything particularly brilliant, either, so...they might want to ease up on the judgment. Back in the Chinatown shop, Kristi says she thinks they could sell the parasols for five bucks very easily. At a flea market? Feh. They relay to Troy that they're "making an executive decision" and going with the parasols. Troy, who still thinks they're umbrellas, tells them he thinks it's a great idea. But then, he also got pretty revved up about dirt.

Kristi interviews that she's trying to get consensus from everybody on the team about what to do, rather than being a "dictator." As they leave, pay very close attention to a number that rings up on the register -- namely, $182.37. They leave the store, Kwame carrying the big box of parasols on his shoulder. Out on the street, the Space Communicator rings, and Kristi goes to answer it. She has money in the same back pocket as the phone, though, so as she answers it, she asks Assorama to make sure "no money falls out of my butt." Assorama obligingly watches. Kristi reassures the person on the Communicator that they'll be home soon.

Nice sunset/sunrise shots, including a lovely one of the Statue of Liberty, and then it's the very early morning of flea-market day. "It was way too early," Kwame voice-overs as they get their cab. He says that Assorama, Kristi, and Troy went to set up the "main booth," which is their "Asian-theme booth." When we see them pricing the stuff at the booth, there's clearly something for sale besides the parasols. I don't know what the other little things are, but there are some kind of little round deals. They look like overgrown lipstick cases. Don't know what that's about. Something-or-other gets priced at one for ten dollars and two for seventeen dollars, and if that's for the paper parasols she bought in Chinatown for a buck twenty-five each, it's no wonder nobody wants to buy them. I think that must be something else. Maybe the cases for Angelina Jolie's lipstick. Meanwhile, Jessie and Kwame set up an indoor booth, as he explains that the rain limited their options. He says that he and Jessie tried to make the booth look as nice as possible. Jessie sells something that's definitely not an umbrella to some lady, so they're selling something else as well. Kwame is very happy with their indoor location, and thinks he and Jessie are doing well. She agrees that they made a pretty good profit with the stuff they were selling.

VersaCorp, on the other hand, does not have an indoor booth. They're outside getting rained on. "This rain's gotta stop," says Boyfriend Bill, as if he can do something about it. Amy interviews that although they'd been happy and up the night before, they weren't feeling so hot early in the day, standing around getting rained on. Boyfriend Bill stresses that he thinks they need to be very aggressive in getting rid of the stuff they have. As they show some of the inventory, I have to admit that although shirts decorated with ribbons sounds really cheesy, some of the shirts really aren't bad. They're not the lace-and-fabric-paint horrors that the idea originally suggested when I first heard it. I can certainly imagine buying a shirt like that at a flea market if it were cheap. I mean, probably for someone else. Who I didn't like THAT much. Hey, worst-case scenario, it's something different to put on some morning when you can't tolerate the same solid-colored t-shirts anymore. The rain continues to fall. Amy worries about the fact that they have a lot of inventory they'll have to move in order to be successful.

When we return from commercials, the rain continues. A little kid plays in a giant puddle -- awww. Heidi and Kristi -- in a different location from where Jessie and Kwame were earlier -- are having no fun. "This is about as exciting as watching paint dry," Heidi says constructively. Heidi picks her teeth. Kristi asks Heidi what she's thinking, since she's making such a bitchface. ["'Making'?" -- Wing Chun] Heidi wonders whether they should move outside, and then twists her hair as she voices over that she didn't like being inside. She felt disappointed. And concerned. And she is wearing blue frosted eye shadow again, and that makes me feel disappointed and concerned. She complains in an interview that Kristi wasn't "motivating." I agree that Kristi is coming off kind of defeatist here, but honestly, Heidi is also sitting on her ass making faces, so if she's this unhappy, why didn't she just get up and do something else? It's not that Kristi performed well, but Heidi seems to be performing equally badly by compounding Kristi's bad mood with her overwhelming and unending negativity. Commenting on Kristi's attitude, Heidi says, "You can't do that as a leader, you cannot." When, precisely, has Heidi shown any leadership qualities? Even people who aren't project manager can show leadership: Boyfriend Bill, Troy, Kristi, Amy -- all these people have, at some point, done something active to help the team. Heidi? Complains a lot. A LOT. But does nothing to improve the situation.