By Miss Alli
Props to Miss Alli's Mom, who taped this so that I wouldn't be completely hosed by the moronic scheduling decisions of NBC, which seems determined to drive me to drink (not that it takes much) by running the first twenty minutes of this against the last twenty minutes of Survivor. Bite me, NBC. And play nice.
Previously on Raising the Barfly: Times Square brought news that the teams would each be responsible for managing a night at Planet Hollywood. Extremely short skirts and stiletto boots, you will not be shocked to hear, ensued. Oh, and so did efforts to get people so drunk that they wound up in the hospital having 150-proof stomach acid pumped out of their bellies. Business management is all about good judgment, you know. The men, on the other hand, spent a lot of time randomly harassing people on the street, trying to force them to do things no one wants to do. Seduce family, for one thing. Go inside Planet Hollywood, for another. Kwame and Troy pulled an ethically queasy stunt to capitalize on people's absurd hunger to run up to fame and lick it all over until it begs for mercy. Nick and Bill thought the line was crossed; Troy and Kwame insisted they were dancing just on the acceptable side, albeit drunkenly, and with their asses occasionally crossing the invisible plane. The men unsurprisingly got trounced, because the amount of money it takes to get the autograph of a professional athlete is ultimately no match for what it costs in booze to find Heidi funny. The women received a lukewarm talking-to for making every single task into a bordello tour, and ultimately, Kwame brought Nick and Bowie to the final table in the Boardroom. When Trump got his hands on the boys, he was unhappy with Nick for checking out of the task, and unhappy with Kwame for poor management, but he was underwhelmed by Bowie to the point where he was the one to go. Bye, Bowie. You were excellent in the "Dancing In The Streets" video, by the way. "Who will be fired tonight?"
Credits. "Money money money moooo-ney!"
We fade in on S4, where the usual Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch is underway, all the candidates anxious to see who was booted. Assorama bitches in her old red-shirt interview -- which I think is from all the way back at Episode 2 -- that everyone else seems to think they're supposed to like each other, but that she has concluded that every trip to the Boardroom will eliminate someone. She doesn't explain why those things are contradictory, but whatever. I have a feeling she doesn't exactly seek out the harmonious answers to these things. Nick and Kwame return somewhat subdued from the Boardroom, and Amy interviews that she "was really surprised when Bowie didn't come back." She says that everyone had expected that it would be Nick who was fired, which isn't all that illogical, considering that Nick basically punked out on his team halfway through the task. I'm still a little puzzled that that didn't bother Trump more than it did. Nick hugs Heidi, saying that he had expected to be fired himself, and then, of course, heading to the bathroom to wipe the liquid shimmer off his lapel. Heidi then interviews that she thinks the morale on VersaCorp is "pretty bad." What with the four consecutive losses, you know. I'm telling you, nothing gets past this girl. She says she thinks the boys are aware that they're doing something wrong, but that they can't figure out what. Again, I have to compliment her perceptiveness, because otherwise, I would have figured the men didn't feel at all concerned. The Oracle of Heidi, last heard telling us that Sam would not be fired, continues to impress.
Props to Miss Alli's Mom, who taped this so that I wouldn't be completely hosed by the moronic scheduling decisions of NBC, which seems determined to drive me to drink (not that it takes much) by running the first twenty minutes of this against the last twenty minutes of Survivor. Bite me, NBC. And play nice.
Previously on Raising the Barfly: Times Square brought news that the teams would each be responsible for managing a night at Planet Hollywood. Extremely short skirts and stiletto boots, you will not be shocked to hear, ensued. Oh, and so did efforts to get people so drunk that they wound up in the hospital having 150-proof stomach acid pumped out of their bellies. Business management is all about good judgment, you know. The men, on the other hand, spent a lot of time randomly harassing people on the street, trying to force them to do things no one wants to do. Seduce family, for one thing. Go inside Planet Hollywood, for another. Kwame and Troy pulled an ethically queasy stunt to capitalize on people's absurd hunger to run up to fame and lick it all over until it begs for mercy. Nick and Bill thought the line was crossed; Troy and Kwame insisted they were dancing just on the acceptable side, albeit drunkenly, and with their asses occasionally crossing the invisible plane. The men unsurprisingly got trounced, because the amount of money it takes to get the autograph of a professional athlete is ultimately no match for what it costs in booze to find Heidi funny. The women received a lukewarm talking-to for making every single task into a bordello tour, and ultimately, Kwame brought Nick and Bowie to the final table in the Boardroom. When Trump got his hands on the boys, he was unhappy with Nick for checking out of the task, and unhappy with Kwame for poor management, but he was underwhelmed by Bowie to the point where he was the one to go. Bye, Bowie. You were excellent in the "Dancing In The Streets" video, by the way. "Who will be fired tonight?"
Credits. "Money money money moooo-ney!"
We fade in on S4, where the usual Aspiring Corporate Weasel Death Watch is underway, all the candidates anxious to see who was booted. Assorama bitches in her old red-shirt interview -- which I think is from all the way back at Episode 2 -- that everyone else seems to think they're supposed to like each other, but that she has concluded that every trip to the Boardroom will eliminate someone. She doesn't explain why those things are contradictory, but whatever. I have a feeling she doesn't exactly seek out the harmonious answers to these things. Nick and Kwame return somewhat subdued from the Boardroom, and Amy interviews that she "was really surprised when Bowie didn't come back." She says that everyone had expected that it would be Nick who was fired, which isn't all that illogical, considering that Nick basically punked out on his team halfway through the task. I'm still a little puzzled that that didn't bother Trump more than it did. Nick hugs Heidi, saying that he had expected to be fired himself, and then, of course, heading to the bathroom to wipe the liquid shimmer off his lapel. Heidi then interviews that she thinks the morale on VersaCorp is "pretty bad." What with the four consecutive losses, you know. I'm telling you, nothing gets past this girl. She says she thinks the boys are aware that they're doing something wrong, but that they can't figure out what. Again, I have to compliment her perceptiveness, because otherwise, I would have figured the men didn't feel at all concerned. The Oracle of Heidi, last heard telling us that Sam would not be fired, continues to impress.
Boyfriend Bill and Troy talk outside, and Boyfriend Bill says that he doesn't want to look back on the experience and feel like the guys "cut each other's throats." He and Troy exchange a quick hug of the "I like you just enough to tolerate you for my own purposes, mwah-hah-ha" variety, and Troy says that the men are "still a team." Troy interviews that they're all very competitive guys, and that they're on a streak of four consecutive losses, so obviously, that hurts. There's really not much more for the guys to do except change the name of their team to Job. Elsewhere, Katrina asks Nick whether he's looking to "prove that men can still prevail," and he says he is. "I feel your pain," she grins, for no particular reason. I don't know; maybe she also wants to prove that men can still prevail. Nick interviews that Trump basically put it to him last time to lead the team this time, and he says that when he delivers the win, it'll be especially satisfying and make him look especially good on the heels of the four defeats. The sun -- oh, sorry, the Trump National Sun -- sets and rises. Oooh, pretty -- gold-plated.
The morning, Assorama answers the jangling silver phone. I kind of wish she'd pick it up and say, "This is Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth," but then the show would be over. Actually, if she said, "Hello, you have reached Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, good morning," she'd have a haiku. Anyway, she's told that all the candidates have to meet with Trump in the Boardroom in one hour, and that the project managers should sit directly in front of Donald. Boyfriend Bill is just waking up and looking at his watch. I think they're not so much with the early rising in S4. It's all that late-night "strategizing." Everybody gets up and gets ready, with the blow-drying and the eyeliner and the plotting of one's future as a guest on Hollywood Squares. Kristi interviews that she was excited to "see what was coming ." Hey, it's morning. Maybe there will be Pop-Tarts.
Everyone strolls into the Boardroom. Carolyn and someone who is not George sit at the ends of the table, and then Trump walks in. He tells them that "George is on a big important business trip," which I guess the candidates are not smart enough to understand, and he says that instead, Bernie Diamond -- one of Donald's many lawyers -- will be sitting in. Feh. Bernie is no George. He kind of looks like the guy who would try take George's job and find himself abruptly crushed under the wheels of George's Giant Caddy of Justice. Trump summarizes that it's only the fifth week of a thirteen-week process, and that the men are already toast. (He doesn't say "toast," but again, I think I am on a breakfast theme.) Therefore, there's now going to be what Trump calls a "corporate reshuffle." Kristi and Nick -- in whom Trump obviously has taken a special interest -- will now choose teams. Nick has to start by choosing a woman, and Kristi has to start by choosing a man. Each team will wind up with two men and four women. Nick's first pick is Amy -- good choice. Kristi's first pick is Troy -- not a bad pick, but not the right pick, either. The right pick was Boyfriend Bill, and it would be totally obvious, had she been paying attention. Trump makes a big deal out of how surprised he is by that pick, which I think does two things: (1) insults Troy; and (2) expresses that Trump agrees with me about Boyfriend Bill, because I'm pretty sure he's not saying he can't believe Kristi didn't pick Kwame. Nick leaps at the chance to pick Boyfriend Bill now, for himself. (Oh, not like that.) (That would be a good episode, though. Hey, they did promise nookie week.) Kristi picks Jessie, which I think is a pick based on friendship, because...Jessie? Although honestly, I like so few of the women that I'm not sure once Nick took Amy that there was very much Kristi could have done. Pick...Katrina, maybe, but after that? Yeah. The pickings, they are slim, and they all involve a generous side helping of crazy. Nick takes Katrina, and Kristi takes Kwame. Nick picks Ereka; Kristi picks Heidi. Nick looks back and forth between Tammy and Assorama -- looking like he's thinking there must be another girl he can pick from -- but he finally picks Tammy, leaving Assorama to Kristi's team. The killer thing about that process was that there's a big, big drop-off between the best available guy -- Boyfriend Bill -- and the rest of the guys. There's also a big drop-off between the best woman -- Amy -- and the rest of the women. Kristi managed to miss out on the one of those at which she had a shot, so Nick got both of them. Furthermore, Kristi took Heidi. On purpose. And almost made it look like a sane decision. How can the women be winning when they all seem like dopes? Anyway, Kristi's team is still called Protégé, and Nick's is still VersaCorp.
Trump now explains the task: they're being given a thousand dollars, with which they will go and buy whatever items they'd like. Then they'll sell those items at a flea market. Whoever makes the most profit will win. That's it, it's over, and everyone is dismissed. Get out of Trump's way. He has to go home and admire his reflection in the bottom of the bathroom sink. Boyfriend Bill interviews that he's happy about the new team, and that he thinks he's on the better team. Yeah, I think we all think that, Boyfriend Bill.
VersaCorp gets on the move quickly, and we see the team members walking down the street together. Ereka interviews that she loves her new team; it doesn't have tension like the women's team did. You know, the team with Oma-you-know-who-a on it, if you know what she means. Ereka, too, grins that "Nick picked a very strong team." Amy gets down to business in a mini-interview, explaining that the team has decided to make and sell women's clothing and jewelry. (week's task: Open your own sweatshop.) They're on the prowl for ribbon, t-shirts, tank tops, and jewelry. This is so totally high-school spirit week, and they are so making shirts for the whole field hockey team. Eeeeee! VersaCorp lingers in a ribbon store, as the women examine various ribbons. Boyfriend Bill calls on the Space Communicator and says that he has t-shirts for $14 for a dozen. "Yeah, get 'em," Amy puts in, and Nick gives Bill the go-ahead. ["The fashion retailer who lives in my house confirmed that that was an extremely fair wholesale price." -- Wing Chun] Nick, Tammy explains, is deferring to the women to pick and buy the product, which makes sense, after all, considering that it's women's clothing. She interviews that she doesn't think it's smart for Nick to give up this much of the management, because this is his "moment to shine," and he's still trying to bail out his ass from last week. Yeah, Nick sure seems likely to shine in the week of women's clothing and jewelry. Tammy predicts that Nick will be back in the Boardroom and will get fired. Jeez, Tammy, way to have faith in your team. Anyway, VersaCorp is buying a bunch of flowers and other girly stuff. Yeah, flowers! And let's get beads! And glitter! Hey, can you use a Bedazzler on a silk scarf?
Elsewhere, Protégé wanders, and Troy wonders what they can buy in bulk. Troy talks about finding a Wal-Mart, and Kwame's like, "Yeah, there are no Wal-Marts...you gotta go to Jersey." Heh. Kwame interviews that they had trouble finding a "niche product" for their booth. At this point, a very weird conversation ensues between Jessie and Troy, in which she asks if you can buy dirt. Troy assures her that you can. She gets all excited, and suggests that they sell bags of dirt with a packet of seeds. Huh? Troy talks about how you can plant a heart and watch it grow, or something, and Jessie gets this faraway look in her eyes, and I feel like I missed the segment where Troy got drunk and Jessie hit her head on something heavy. Jessie calls Troy "creative." This is the part where we see Troy get way too excited about selling dirt. "You can buy dirt and speckles of gold and mine for gold," he says, as Jessie furiously takes notes. Dirt notes. Notes about dirt. Scribble away, Jessie! Troy suggests a sandbox with buried treasure, as an increasingly exasperated Kwame calls Kristi on the Space Communicator. Troy talks about selling sand, and Jessie really starts to regret bringing up the whole dirt thing in the first place. She interviews that this was "a little frustrating." Troy makes one more dirt suggestion, and then she interviews that, "behind the madness, there needs to be some organization." Yeah, I think the lesson is, "Don't get Troy going about dirt, because whoooo-ee."
When we return from the break, this week's slogan card says, "Stand Up For Yourself." Donald interviews that you have to fight for yourself, you see, because "nobody else is going to fight for you." Unless you have recently fallen off a swingset and are represented by one of the many personal-injury law firms that advertises in my local area, because they assure me that they will fight for you. We swoop down on Protégé, as they visit the flea market to see what's actually selling before they choose a product. Heidi yammers about how there's nothing eye-catching, not like at the grocery store where there's something to catch your eye. I understand what she's saying (as much as I ever do), but she seems to be missing the point, which is that they're there to figure out what people are actually buying. It doesn't really matter whether Heidi thinks the sales tactics are a good idea, because she's not there to give the vendors a critique. She's just there to see what's successfully selling, whether it should be or not. Anyway, she complains some more, and then she interviews that it's important to have a good product, and that you have to have "good clientele." It seems to me that you rather take the clientele as you find it at a flea market, so I'm not sure what that has to do with this particular task, unless she intends to send invitations to rich people telling them to come and shop the flea market. On the up side, the black shirt Heidi's wearing in this interview is one of her more flattering and more age-appropriate choices. She complains that the clientele was "not there" at the location, but I don't know what she expects them to do about it, because they're basically stuck with a flea-market location, so how does she propose to change the clientele? She complains to the team, "This place sucks." So productive, that Heidi.
Kwame interviews, shocking no one, that "Heidi was really negative." He draws a distinction between speaking your mind and "exud[ing] negativity" to the point where you're bringing everybody else's energy down. Heidi is doing the latter. As the team negotiates, Troy says he thinks they need to find a bigger, more expensive item to sell, and that they should rely on making a larger profit on fewer items, rather than selling little somethings that are going to make only a dollar of profit per sale. That seems to me like it's kind of antithetical to the whole idea of flea markets, but then, I am not a businessperson, so I could be wrong. I mean, if you were willing to pay a huge markup, why would you be at a flea market? For the atmospheric pavement and flattering sunburn? Kristi laments that, during their visit to the flea market, they didn't see anything that looked like a good product to sell.
Desperate for a product, Protégé splits up. Kristi, Kwame, and Assorama go to Chinatown to look for merchandise, while Heidi, Troy, and Jessie head back to the suite to...do something else, I guess.
VersaCorp, meanwhile, has sent Nick and Katrina out, where they are hunting for a garment rack. Nick spots one in a dumpster, so they set about getting it out. He tells Katrina as she prepares for this ordeal that they have to win, or he'll be fired. "And don't you want dear old Nick around?" he asks. She laughs. "Yeees, Nick, I want you around," she says. Damn, she is very annoying. Katrina announces that this is her first dumpster dive, as Nick helps her up onto the edge to peek in. She spots a car window. Not relevant, but slightly amusing to her, I suppose. This may be the first time she's realized that cars are made from parts of cars. Nick voices over that this "is called using resources; it's called being resourceful." He pauses in his interview to rub his hand over his own hair, and then non-modestly says, "and it was absolutely brilliant." I kind of want to find him funny, but there's something about Nick that just strikes me as ever-so-slightly sketchy, such that I can't quite find him as cute as he thinks he is. I fear that he would hug me and steal my wallet. "Mr. Trump would be proud," Katrina says in an irritating, overenunciated, announcer-girl voice. She says that she wants to go off and find more good stuff. Rooting through the trash kind of gets her hot, I think. "Nick, you look pretty sexy pushing this rack," she blathers. He laughs dismissively, and then says, "Thank you for saying that, though." That was some of the most inept flirting I have ever seen. I mean, I think it would work, but it would not get style points.
Nick interviews that they came up with a plan to buy plain shirts, decorate them, and sell them at a premium. Nick thinks they're simple, they're low-cost, and "it's a phenomenal idea." It's certainly not a bad idea, I'll give them that. Amy (I think) shows Nick a pink sleeveless shirt with a black ribbon that would ride right under the boobs, I think, and is tied in a bow in the middle. It's a little cutesy, but I've seen worse. ["Ribbons are big this year. I see where they were going with it." -- Wing Chun] Nick congratulates himself on the quality of his team, as we see Amy throw back her head and laugh. Among other things, these people are definitely having a lot more fun than their counterparts on the Team Of Absolutely No Fun At All, Ever. "They're all steals in my mind," Nick says. He does seem to have gotten everyone good, as could not be missed during the team-picking. Boyfriend Bill holds up a red shirt decorated with a red-and-white ribbon as Ereka strokes and admires it, and...actually, that is cute. That's not a bad little shirt, for a flea-market homemade dealie. I mean, it's all relative, and it's sort of to wardrobe what Trading Spaces is to decorating, but still, it beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Bill asks Nick to try it on, and they all laugh hysterically. Ah, the timeless amusement of men wearing women's clothing. Not since rubber chickens has a gag been quite so fresh.
Protégé, meanwhile, is hanging out in Chinatown. ["Not really. I mean, if I'm right -- to me it looked like they're at Pearl River Mart. I think the neighbourhood it's in is considered to be SoHo, not Chinatown, and its stock is not really that cheap -- not wholesale cheap, certainly, and it's a regular store, so you wouldn't even be able to dicker over the prices there." -- Wing Chun] Assorama and Kwame are trying on a whole series of hats, which...just, no. No cheap Chinatown hats. My favorite part is where Kwame says to Assorama, "Don't...don't get that one that's on your head. That one doesn't look right." Heh.
Kristi gets on the Space Communicator with Heidi. Kristi explains in an interview that the folks who were back at the suite were really pressing them to come up with a product one way or another. Kristi offers the idea of some "beautiful umbrellas" she found. They're not really umbrellas; they're parasols, in that they're certainly not for rain avoidance. In fact, they're not even really for sun avoidance. They're really for decoration, I think. Kristi says they can get the umbrellas for $1.25 each, which appears to me to be a reasonable facsimile of what they're worth. ["See? Not wholesale-y." -- Wing Chun] Assorama says in an interview that in choosing the product, Kristi relied on the opinion of the people at home, rather than the ones with her, which Assorama clearly sees as a bad move. It seems to be a particularly bad move, because Kristi is misleading the people back at the suite about what it is she's proposing. Specifically, Troy asks Kristi whether these things are "practical," and despite the fact that they appear to be made of paper, Kristi weakly says that they are. This in spite of the fact that opened fully, the "umbrella" is about eighteen inches across, I'd say. It's also got a little short handle...I mean, it's just not an umbrella. It's not. When Troy mentions that it will be raining tomorrow and that umbrellas would be great, Kristi tries to say that she thinks it would at least keep the rain off her head somewhat, and Kwame tries to protest, telling her that isn't what the things are for, obviously. What's funny to me is...why didn't they sell umbrellas? I mean, if it's going to rain...wouldn't that have been a good thing to pick up on? Put these things down, and go find some actual umbrellas, right? Sigh. Kristi insists that the parasols are "a quality product," so she appears to be set on the parasol notion. Kwame interviews that Kristi, in trying to lead by consensus, was "a little bit helter-skelter." Oddly, that doesn't seem to be the case at all here -- the case here seems to be that she's pushing too hard and not listening to the team, rather than being too mushy, although I'll agree that was how they got to this point in the first place. Although nobody else has suggested anything particularly brilliant, either, so...they might want to ease up on the judgment. Back in the Chinatown shop, Kristi says she thinks they could sell the parasols for five bucks very easily. At a flea market? Feh. They relay to Troy that they're "making an executive decision" and going with the parasols. Troy, who still thinks they're umbrellas, tells them he thinks it's a great idea. But then, he also got pretty revved up about dirt.
Kristi interviews that she's trying to get consensus from everybody on the team about what to do, rather than being a "dictator." As they leave, pay very close attention to a number that rings up on the register -- namely, $182.37. They leave the store, Kwame carrying the big box of parasols on his shoulder. Out on the street, the Space Communicator rings, and Kristi goes to answer it. She has money in the same back pocket as the phone, though, so as she answers it, she asks Assorama to make sure "no money falls out of my butt." Assorama obligingly watches. Kristi reassures the person on the Communicator that they'll be home soon.
Nice sunset/sunrise shots, including a lovely one of the Statue of Liberty, and then it's the very early morning of flea-market day. "It was way too early," Kwame voice-overs as they get their cab. He says that Assorama, Kristi, and Troy went to set up the "main booth," which is their "Asian-theme booth." When we see them pricing the stuff at the booth, there's clearly something for sale besides the parasols. I don't know what the other little things are, but there are some kind of little round deals. They look like overgrown lipstick cases. Don't know what that's about. Something-or-other gets priced at one for ten dollars and two for seventeen dollars, and if that's for the paper parasols she bought in Chinatown for a buck twenty-five each, it's no wonder nobody wants to buy them. I think that must be something else. Maybe the cases for Angelina Jolie's lipstick. Meanwhile, Jessie and Kwame set up an indoor booth, as he explains that the rain limited their options. He says that he and Jessie tried to make the booth look as nice as possible. Jessie sells something that's definitely not an umbrella to some lady, so they're selling something else as well. Kwame is very happy with their indoor location, and thinks he and Jessie are doing well. She agrees that they made a pretty good profit with the stuff they were selling.
VersaCorp, on the other hand, does not have an indoor booth. They're outside getting rained on. "This rain's gotta stop," says Boyfriend Bill, as if he can do something about it. Amy interviews that although they'd been happy and up the night before, they weren't feeling so hot early in the day, standing around getting rained on. Boyfriend Bill stresses that he thinks they need to be very aggressive in getting rid of the stuff they have. As they show some of the inventory, I have to admit that although shirts decorated with ribbons sounds really cheesy, some of the shirts really aren't bad. They're not the lace-and-fabric-paint horrors that the idea originally suggested when I first heard it. I can certainly imagine buying a shirt like that at a flea market if it were cheap. I mean, probably for someone else. Who I didn't like THAT much. Hey, worst-case scenario, it's something different to put on some morning when you can't tolerate the same solid-colored t-shirts anymore. The rain continues to fall. Amy worries about the fact that they have a lot of inventory they'll have to move in order to be successful.
When we return from commercials, the rain continues. A little kid plays in a giant puddle -- awww. Heidi and Kristi -- in a different location from where Jessie and Kwame were earlier -- are having no fun. "This is about as exciting as watching paint dry," Heidi says constructively. Heidi picks her teeth. Kristi asks Heidi what she's thinking, since she's making such a bitchface. ["'Making'?" -- Wing Chun] Heidi wonders whether they should move outside, and then twists her hair as she voices over that she didn't like being inside. She felt disappointed. And concerned. And she is wearing blue frosted eye shadow again, and that makes me feel disappointed and concerned. She complains in an interview that Kristi wasn't "motivating." I agree that Kristi is coming off kind of defeatist here, but honestly, Heidi is also sitting on her ass making faces, so if she's this unhappy, why didn't she just get up and do something else? It's not that Kristi performed well, but Heidi seems to be performing equally badly by compounding Kristi's bad mood with her overwhelming and unending negativity. Commenting on Kristi's attitude, Heidi says, "You can't do that as a leader, you cannot." When, precisely, has Heidi shown any leadership qualities? Even people who aren't project manager can show leadership: Boyfriend Bill, Troy, Kristi, Amy -- all these people have, at some point, done something active to help the team. Heidi? Complains a lot. A LOT. But does nothing to improve the situation.
Assorama comes along and talks to Kristi, and Kristi asks Assorama to go look outside and see how things are; if it looks good, they can go outside. Once they get out there, Heidi sees a small number of people (seriously, it is not a crowd) walking, and declares that it's much better outside. She interviews that it's "more energetic" outside, but she's not the project manager, so she can't decide. She could, of course, say something productive instead of whining, but what fun would that be? Heidi bitches some more and swears some more and complains some more. What a lovely person, really.
We return to VersaCorp, where tinkly piano music reminds us that things aren't going all that brilliantly for them in their outside booth in the rain. Katrina and Nick have wandered off together again, and he's asking her whether she thinks they're doing okay. She says she thinks they're fine, and should stay where they are. He says he thinks the traffic will indeed pick up, even though it's not great right now. Nick says that the reason he was looking for input from the women was that "they won." And I did admire him for saying that. He basically says that obviously they know something about sales and doing well, and that he wanted to tap into whatever it is that they've figured out. We see Ereka selling something, and note that she's wearing one of the shirts, which is a really good idea. It looks moderately cute on her, too, and it provides some reassurance that the shirts don't look like total ass. Nick interviews with a smile that they might lose, but hey, he's used to the Boardroom anyway. Katrina and Nick decide to stay where they are and not panic over the low traffic. Katrina -- Miss "I'm A Good Person" -- unsurprisingly interviews that she likes Nick's leadership style because "he compliments everybody." Sigh. She would.
Elsewhere, Protégé notes that the sun is coming out. They've moved outside, and Troy throws an arm around Heidi to buck her up. Troy says he's giving 110%, and that he's trying to "uplift everybody" on the team as much as he can. He says that their momentum is shifting, and that they'll be coming on strong in the second half. NotGeorge looks on as they continue selling. Heidi is wearing one of those dumb hats, so apparently, they bought some of those, too. We see Heidi yelling at someone in a come-hither fashion (they imply it's NotGeorge, but I can't believe it), "Hey, you! Ten dollars! Ten dollars!" I just can't even make that joke, as obvious as it is.
VersaCorp, meanwhile, puts everything on sale to try to get rid of their merchandise late in the day. Carolyn is pawing over the merchandise, and I think she's looking at the size tags, based on later comments. Boyfriend Bill interviews that they're trying to get rid of everything they possibly can. "We'll even sell the tablecloth if people want to buy it," he says. I missed it the first time I saw this, but they actually did sell the tablecloth to the last lady they ran into -- they sold her their last stuff plus the tablecloth for three bucks. There is celebrating as they close the booth. Amy talks happily about the "totally different dynamic working with guys." She says she had a great time, win or lose. I will say this: I would have had more fun with this team than with the other team (obviously), but also with all the women or all the men. Relatively speaking, these are probably the people you would choose to hang out with. The flea market is packed up for the day.
The teams return to S4 to count up their money and track their expenses. At the Protégé meeting, Jessie suggests making Assorama the one who writes up the receipts and stuff. She interviews that she's "very proud of how [she] handle[s] money," so she becomes the accounting person. Assorama looks at all the numbers and eventually says that they "should have more cash." She says that there's about two hundred bucks missing, actually. Kristi instructs everybody to check their bags. Heidi at one point seems to think Kwame is looking at her in some suspicious way, which...whatever. She's crazy. Kristi interviews that when the team learned that there was missing money, she felt horrible. She tells the team that what money she had was in her back pocket, and then she put it all into a bag. Assorama thinks somebody just has the money somewhere, stuck it somewhere, and forgot about it. Kristi says in an interview that Assorama was "setting her up" and trying to put the blame on Kristi. That seems kind of unlikely -- I'm not sure I believe Assorama took or hid the money on purpose, although I think she generally is incredibly reluctant to take responsibility for anything, so while I don't think it's a setup, I do think it's a...well, taking advantage of the situation as she found it. Assorama announces the money that's missing, and how much is it? $180.37. Remember that we saw the register in Chinatown ring up at $182.37? That is a large coincidence. It does seem at least possible that there's no missing money -- that there's a receipt for $182.37 that they forgot to account for, and then there's a genuine two-dollar screwup somewhere. How would Kristi lose $182.37 as a result of carrying it in her pocket? Your money isn't all going to come out like that just because you're carrying it in a pocket. ["Unless someone on the street overheard her telling Assorama to make sure the money in her back pocket didn't fall out, and then followed them all onto the subway and picked Kristi's pocket. Hey, we all saw Ocean's 11." -- Wing Chun] Besides, when Kristi answered the Communicator, she was very aware of there being money in there, and I just don't believe that even later, she would have let $182.37 -- and you'd hear the change fall out, I'd think, since that's at least four coins -- hit the ground without noticing. "The money fell out of Kristi's pocket" is just not a credible explanation to me. On the other hand, how do you forget a receipt that large? Wouldn't you be carrying in our mind a rough approximation of how much you spent on inventory, out of $1000 in seed money? Basically, there's no explanation that makes very much sense, so...I guess I am doomed to wonder.
Kwame interviews that if they knew who lost the money, that person would deserve to be fired. But, of course, they don't. There is more miserable talk back in S4 about the loss, and Kristi defeatedly leans back and says, "I'm gonna cry."
Later, all the contestants head into the Boardroom to hear the results. Carolyn reports on VersaCorp first. She says that they had a plan to make the shirts and sell them, and she faults them only for choosing only to sell small and medium sizes. I'm pretty much exhausted from being angry at Simon Cowell for telling every woman over a size 0 that she's too fat, so I barely have the energy for this, but...yes, that was dumb. The average woman in the United States is about a 12/14. It doesn't make a lot of sense to lop off half the market that way, as distasteful as you may find the presence of average-sized women at your flea-market booth. [Eye roll.] Anyway, in the end, VersaCorp made a profit of more than $600. Nick tries not to look smug and doesn't have very much success, as Donald tells him that's "pretty good."
NotGeorge reports on his team. He says that they did separate things in separate places, and that it did not go well. They lost a little over $75. Oooops. At least if they hadn't lost the $180, they would have been in the black. Slightly. Donald turns to Kristi and says he's surprised at her. She says she's surprised, too. Nick is grinning from ear to ear, and Trump tells him that he's finally on a winning team, and that as a reward, they're going to go to Yankee Stadium and meet George Steinbrenner. Wait, that's for the people who did better? They are told that this is their chance to "meet a truly great winner." And all-around nice guy, too. The losers are reminded that they will be joining Trump in the Boardroom. Troy and Kwame are like, "Yeah, so what else is new?" Nick is incredibly happy. Like, deliriously so.
VersaCorp strolls back into S4, riding one big wave of happy. Behind them are the unhappy Protégé 6. Kristi interviews that the meeting "really affected [her]," even though she tried to be brave. "I don't do well with leading a team towards a loss," she says. We then move to a conversation in which Kristi is sort of hiding on the balcony, and apparently the rest of the Protégé squad has come to comfort her. She weepily apologizes for losing her composure (always ironic), and says that her purpose in coming out on the balcony was to get away and compose herself. She voices over that she takes all of the blame as the project manager. Kristi whimpers as she explains to the team that if she has a manager at her restaurant and the numbers aren't working, she blames the manager. Perhaps part of what Kristi is learning is that that may not be entirely fair, and that maybe that's why the employees whisper when she walks by. Well, it's one of the reasons. Troy assures her that everyone has up times and down times. She says she really believes that the leader is responsible, though, so she can't really be consoled.
The day in S4, Heidi is whining, unsurprisingly. She's complaining about the product, and complaining about having "fought for" various other options. She freaks out complaining that she and Assorama are going to be the ones who go to the final table. Heidi interviews that she was outraged because she's "an up-front person." Of course, "up-front" would have been telling Kristi how she felt, instead of complaining to other people who couldn't do anything about it and weren't at fault. That's just being bitchy, and has nothing to do with whether you're up-front. We return to the suite, where Heidi is continuing to bitch that she overheard conversations last night, and knows that she and Assorama are the ones going. She says that when she woke up this morning, she was like, "Hello, I'm not an idiot!" And then the camera stops and holds on her for just long enough, and the music keeps up for just long enough, that you can almost hear the guys in post-production laughing over the soundtrack. ["Yeah, someone behind the scenes on this show really loathes her. Which is awesome." -- Wing Chun] Having already complained to the entire rest of the house (everyone BUT Kristi, incidentally) about what Kristi was going to do, we now see Heidi bitching about it to Ereka. Jesus, shut up. This part is great, too, because you can see that Heidi's business-suit skirt has white stitching on the back. You know, here in FUCKING MINNESOTA!!!! we still think white stitching on black skirts for business is kind of tacky. But hey, we don't know anything. We're lucky if we get out of our flannel shirts at all, yes, sirree.
When Kristi enters the room while Heidi is talking, Heidi refuses to speak to her -- hey, what happened to being an "up-front person"? -- but just declares that she's "disappointed in [Kristi]." Boy, I'll bet that's a heartbreaker for Kristi. Kristi tells Heidi that Heidi will have to trust her a little (huh?), but says she wants to "communicate." Seriously, Kristi isn't a bad person, I don't think, but I'm beginning to think she really is way too much of a weenie to be anyone's boss. "Let's communicate!" Barf. "She says it's business; it's not business," Heidi insists. "So it's a numbers game!" Huh? What? Numbers game? What?
The Heidi Show continues as she snorts in disbelief to someone, "I don't know why I'm nice!" Wow, that must have happened on the secret unseen episodes. Those damn editors. She then leans over ["shocking!" -- Wing Chun] and pantomimes as she explains that someone should just take the knife right out of her back. Dear. Really. Kristi has five people to pick from. She has to take two of them. Your chances of going would be quite good even if she drew out of a hat, and you bitched the entire day about every single thing that happened. How is that stabbing you in the back? I mean...what, after all you've done for Kristi? Like...like...what?
Assorama, enjoying her opportunity to be nowhere near the most annoying person in this episode, interviews that she does not think she should go to the Boardroom, because of her "tremendous contribution." To the seventy-five-dollar loss, I guess. I'd think you'd be better off saying, "Frankly, I had nothing to do with it. I'm not even sure I was on that team." Assorama says she thinks, however, that she may be "used as a scapegoat."
And now Heidi, because she just hasn't complained enough, complains some more to Assorama about the situation. "It's the business world -- you cannot cry!" she says. And...I understand that, but in fairness, Kristi cried at the end of the day at home, and she went off to be by herself to pull it together, which is about all you can ask. I don't think you can dictate to people that they can't cry, ever, about a specific topic. You can do whatever you want at home, and I think Kristi waited until she got "home," so...shut up some more, Heidi.
In a truly, truly great line, Assorama says, "Well, Heidi speaks her mind, but what's on her mind isn't always that appealing." HA HA HA! Brilliant. Thank you, Assorama, for rather succinctly explaining to this particular kind of personality -- the "you can't criticize me for anything I say as long as it's what I really think" kind -- that you are not interesting just because you are sincere. Assorama goes on to say that Heidi "was not demonstrating CEO-quality performance." We see Heidi in the bathroom, joyfully singing Meredith Brooks's "Bitch," because she is severely irony-impaired. Yes, I know she thinks she's doing it ironically. I'm saying she missed the second level of irony.
In the VersaCorp Van of Victory, Bill brings up the issue of today's Boardroom session. The girls all talk about how dirty it's going to be, and Ereka says that she had to pull Heidi aside this morning and tell her to chill out. Bill wonders if Kristi could get fired if she brings the wrong people into the room. Nick says no way -- Kristi's going to get the same thing Kwame got last week, which is the "you did badly, but you have potential, and I'm keeping you" speech. Which I think is how Donald stays married, also. (Cheap Ivana joke! One point!) They all agree that Trump has clearly been impressed with Kristi in the past, and they can't imagine he'll just dump her for this one event. Ereka thinks Kristi did a good job in the initial Boardroom meeting. Eh. "It's definitely going to be bloody," says...someone. Amy? Someone prescient, at any rate.
The members of VersaCorp arrive at Yankee Stadium. Nick says that he's excited about going to the stadium and meeting Steinbrenner. Donald arrives to take them into the meeting. The Hair is quite disturbed by the breeze, and attempts to hold itself in place using its buttress and stake system. Trump chats with Nick on the way up in the elevator, all, "Nick, you did it, huh?" The "finally" is implied.
Trump takes VersaCorp into the Yankees offices, and the first thing we see is Trump and Steinbrenner exchanging "I love you"s. No, really. Like, "I love you." "I love you, too." Eh? ["What? They love each other! Don't be so narrow-minded!" -- Wing Chun] "I knew there'd be pretty girls!" says Steinbrenner. So he knows a little something about how you get in good with Donald. He invites all the apprentices to sit down.
, there is some Trump-Steinbrenner talk about being a winner, and George tells them that "the secret is desire." Katrina's looking at him, thinking, "See? I told everybody we needed to dress sexy!" Steinbrenner goes on about how when he bought the Yankees, nobody wanted them, and he promised a world championship and delivered one. Tammy asks Steinbrenner, "You have some serious bling on your hands. What's goin' on there?" It's weird, because that comment bothered other people more than it bothered me. I mean, the level of formality that a guy can expect when he starts the conversation with "I knew there'd be pretty girls" is kind of minor. Moreover, a guy only wears a giant, monstrous ring like that if he wants to be asked about it, so...where's the harm? Steinbrenner tells Tammy that it's his most recent World Series ring. Katrina says in an interview that Tammy sometimes says things she herself would not say that make other people "cringe," and she gives the "bling" question as an example, saying she wanted to "jump underneath the couch and hide." Why? He's just a person! He's a guy! He's a person, you're a person, it's not like "bling" is a rude word! I mean, if she had said, "It looks like you have a pretty big ass, what's up with that?" I would understand the fuss, but this? Whatever.
Steinbrenner says that they can all turn around and look out his big window at Yankee Stadium. Yeah, yeah, the home of evil, whatever. Trump and Steinbrenner shake hands, and then it's...you know, it's like that. Guys with money who love each other, I suppose. Nick looks on happily, dreaming of the day when he, too, can be full of shit. Again on their way out, Steinbrenner has to comment again on how good-looking the women are, like, shut up, old creepy man, and he throws in a comment about how the guys are good-looking too, just so you don't think he's sexist. Oh, hey, you didn't hear it from me.
Outside the stadium, Nick comments that Steinbrenner guaranteed victories when he bought the Yankees, and that Nick guaranteed victory the day before, so he feels good. Now all he has to do is fire a lot of people and ruin the entire flea market for everyone else, and the comparison will be roughly accurate. ["See, here's where, if your normal editor were here, she'd be throwing in all kinds of knowledgeable defenses of the Yankees...but instead you have me, so. Hi." -- Wing Chun] They all leave, and Trump bids them adieu.
When we return from commercials, professional complainers and malcontents Heidi and Assorama are outside complaining and being discontented. Assorama describes herself as "disappointed in Kristi," because Kristi has management experience and should have done a better job. Assorama says in an interview that Kristi is "very sensitive," and that she's "very affected by moods, by behaviors, by comments," and that Assorama just didn't want to lose the task after the team reorganization. Heidi complains to Assorama that she "didn't feel motivated." Okay. So if she doesn't feel motivated, she doesn't do shit, and then that's someone else's fault. Interesting attitude. Assorama complains that all day, Kristi had negative, down energy. Which is probably true, but I don't see why that meant everybody else had to follow. Troy didn't, after all. Troy kept going anyway, because it's not Troy's personality to say, "Hey, I don't feel motivated, so call me in six hours when it's over so that I can tell you everything that you should have done differently." Assorama interviews that she's not sure what Kristi will do once they get to the Boardroom. "I am ready to face Mr. Trump and give him the facts that she was an awful project manager," Assorama snots in her interview. Heidi puffs away on her cigarette as they talk about how sure they are that Kristi will take the two of them to the final table. Heidi can't believe Kristi would put her there. "F you," she says, "when I supported you!" Yeah, that business at the table with the teeth-picking was real supportive. I'm sure Kristi was really feeling the love on that one. Again, Heidi says -- now in an interview -- that she's an "up-front person." Apparently, this is the defense she's developed so that she doesn't have to listen to any of the many people who tell her how unpleasant her particular brand of energy is. She also says, "Once you backstab me, I'm going to do the same thing back." Heidi, again, has confused "backstab" with...well, I don't know what. Anything that results in her not getting her own way, I think. Heidi tells Assorama in their balcony chat that they'd have been better to sit in the apartment all day, because then they wouldn't have a loss, and she complains some more about the loss, and being in the hole, and how awful it is, and oh my God WE GET IT, would you both. Please. Shut. Up.
We now watch Jessie and Kristi take a stroll in the park. Jessie tells Kristi, "I want you to know that I'm not going to be saying the things that I say just for your benefit...I'm saying them for me, because I want you to stay on the team." So yes, that's an explicit commitment from Jessie that she's going to say positive things to help Kristi. "I'm not going to work on a team without you," Jessie chirps. Kristi interviews that she had wanted to talk to Jessie about how to handle the Boardroom. Why she didn't go talk to one of the guys, I'm not sure -- I mean, what does Jessie know? She's never been there, either. Kristi describes Jessie as "really good at thinking about the big picture." Surely, that would make her unique among the women, I'll say that. Jessie recommends to Kristi, as they sit down for a girl-to-girl chat, that she just say, "This is what I did wrong? And I am fully accountable as project manager? And that's why I'm here? To learn? And to grow? But this is what I found individually through my team -- mistakes made by these individuals." Jessie has the most annoying voice ever, because she sounds like a six-year-old who has mistakenly been allowed into a sorority. Maybe even more annoying than Heidi, voice-wise. Jessie warns Kristi that the people she blames might defend themselves and attack her, and Jessie thinks Kristi should just not say anything in response.
Jessie interviews that she's worried Kristi might "break down under the pressure" of the meeting later. After all, Heidi and Assorama are, as Jessie puts it, "defensive." As Jessie and Kristi continue their conversation and Jessie talks about how she's trying to learn this lesson about staying quiet, Jessie becomes distracted by a pigeon eating a piece of food. "That bird is funny," she finally says. I have no idea why, but that was hilarious. She confirms that it is a pigeon. I would have told her it was an eagle, just for kicks. Kristi says she's been trying to learn from Jessie about sitting back and speaking less. Kristi interviews that, "right now," she's choosing to trust Jessie. If they get to an individual game, she might rethink. But right now, Kristi's "gut" is leading her to trust her friend. "So basically say as little as possible," Kristi double-checks. "As little as possible," Jessie confirms.
The Boardroom. That night. The apprentices enter, and then Trump. Trump asks Kristi about the fact that she was "badly beaten," asking her, "You're not used to being beaten, are you?" "No, I'm not," says Kristi. He asks her whether she's surprised, and she says she's surprised that she screwed up "certain aspects" of the task. Donald says that he, too, was surprised, because she was doing really well up until this point. She says that she tried to lead by "group consensus," and Carolyn breaks in to comment on what a crappy idea that is, and Kristi agrees, in hindsight. Trump asks Assorama what could have been done to make it better. Assorama cites "planning." Heidi offers "better product." NotGeorge picks this moment to spill that they lost the $180. "They lost their own money," he says gravely. Trump asks whether they lost it, or whether somebody stole it. Kristi looks miserable, and weakly says, "We don't know what happened to it." Trump asks how it's possible that they lost money: "I don't get it." Kwame is asked "who did a lousy job." He changes the question slightly and says that if he were in Kristi's place, he'd choose Assorama, because she was managing the finances. Assorama says that she can account for the money up until the time when she handed it to Kristi. Assorama wears a condescending little smirk as she says, "Kristi is not very good with handling money." Assorama tells the story of Kristi's having money in her back pocket and asking Assorama to watch and make sure she didn't drop any. "The money somewhere disappeared between the hand and the ass," Donald clarifies, and it's a great line with which they all seem to agree, even though I certainly don't think that's quite what happened. Assorama totally lies to Trump that she "saw a need" and "stepped up" to be finance manager: it looks to be a complete lie, because we saw her being recruited by the rest of the team at the end of the day, so whatever. Assorama insists that she can account for every penny up until she turned the money over to the project manager.
Assorama now moves into the portion of her speech in which she says, "I think Kristi is a wonderful person, but she made some horrible decisions as project manager." Hard to argue with that, unfortunately, although Assorama doesn't mean the first part. Trump asks Assorama if Kristi choked, and Assorama says, "Unfortunately, she choked at the worst time, and that's during leadership time." Bleh, "leadership time." She makes it sound like "music time" or "art time" or "cookie time." Shut up. Trump asks her if she could have done better. Of course, Assorama says yes. She says she grew up going to flea markets, and that her mother bought their clothes there, and in that case, I have to wonder why she wasn't doing any better than sitting around a shop in Chinatown trying on hats. Either she has nothing to offer, or she was slacking. Either way, she has nothing to be quite this snotty about.
Jessie is asked what she thinks. "I think it was management," she says. "Kristi?" Trump asks her. "Kristi," Jessie says with certainty. And a little snake noise plays on the soundtrack, heh. Nice. "You think she blew it?" Donald says. Jessie nods. Oooooh, that was horrible. She is so going to hell. Kristi looks very unhappy.
Trump turns to Heidi. "What about you, Heidi? You've been very, very quiet." She gets all fake-snotty, saying, "You have never, never addressed me!" "Well," he says, amused by how dumb she is, "you're right." She complains that she's "getting a little...feeling left out, Mr. Trump!" She goes on to tell him that she saw three critical errors. "One," the product, which she didn't like. "B," the location, which she didn't like. "And," a lack of planning. Wow. "One," "B," and "And." I see some minor parallel structure issues there, but I don't really have enough time on my hands to figure them all out. Trump asks whom she thinks lost the money. She glares back. "You like putting me on the hot seat, don't you?" Heidi snaps. What happened to "up-front" now? What do you think it's been when every other damn person was asked whom they blamed? She is dumb as a post. Asked whose fault she thinks it was, Heidi refuses to assign blame, saying she doesn't know.
Giving up on Heidi, Trump turns back to Kristi for her reaction. She says she agrees that there were management errors. Assorama smirks. Trump asks Troy's opinion. Troy praises Kristi for telling the team that she would take the responsibility for the loss. "Unfortunately," he says, "we're sittin' at the table today and we've got a loss." He's pretty good at delivering that message -- the "Kristi must go" message -- without coming off totally rude or spiteful, which is more than I can say for any of the women who have spoken.
Now it's time for Kristi to choose who's going with her to the final table. Obviously, she is taking Assorama. She very hesitantly (or, she claims, very hesitantly) chooses Heidi as the second one to go. "I did nothing wrong," Heidi whines. "I'm a good leader, I'm a good businesswoman, and I sure as hell can sell." Jessie, Kwame, and Troy get to go upstairs, while Heidi, Assorama, and Kristi have to wait in the lobby.
After the commercial, we return to the Boardroom lobby, and then we listen in on Carolyn and NotGeorge conversing with Donald. Trump asks Carolyn why Kristi was so good before and so poor this time. Carolyn hypothesizes that Kristi may just not be management material -- "a good employee, but not a good employer." "She's a worker, not a leader," NotGeorge offers. Trump says that he still sees promise in Kristi. "And let's face it, [Assorama] was in charge of the money," he says. He brings the girls back in.
Trump tells Kristi that she did fantastically well until today, "but, sit." He moves on to Heidi. "I thought you were overly aggressive, but that's okay, I mean, I know a lot of people who are overly aggressive, and they do very well." In other words, "I don't like you at all, but I don't absolutely have to like you." He says to her also, "but, sit." Then he turns to Assorama. "You know what that means?" "Gotta go," she says. He asks her if she thinks he's making the right decision. "No, absolutely not," she says, and then Trump's like, "Ha ha, got you," because he says, "Well, I didn't make a decision." "Okay," she says, "okay." I'm not into these fake firings -- it turns into the end of To Tell The Truth where everybody acts like they're the real Corvelle Jean McGonnigle, inventor of the zucchini-operated riding lawnmower, and everybody acts like they're going to stand up.
And with that, Trump turns back to Kristi. He reiterates for about the fifth time that she was a star until tonight. But his big problem is that, in the Boardroom, she failed to stick up for herself. "Kristi, you didn't fight for yourself, and you're fired," he says. She nods sadly. She asks whether she can say anything now, but he tells her it's too late. They're dismissed. As Assorama and Heidi go upstairs, Donald says that he really dug Kristi, but that she didn't fight back, and that did her in. Out on the sidewalk, Kristi gets in the cab and drives away. Upstairs, Heidi and Assorama return to S4.
Kristi's exit interview is pitiful. She still feels bad about not getting it, and she doesn't know how to talk about it, so she just kind of peters out. Whatever.
week: nobody is happy to see Assorama or Heidi return. Assorama is team leader as they suck up to some new celebrities, in case you're tired of people sucking up to Trump. But...Carson Daly? Oh, and also...bomp-chicka-bow-wow...and intense backstabbing. Hopefully, those two things are not related.