Props to thestatic and secrettvjunkie. And to the makers of Tylenol Cold. Ugh.
The show opens with a little corporate video, and I wonder who at Wolfram & Hart is responsible for the March of Time newsreel style, complete with deep-voiced announcer and cheerful generic music. Then I realize that Cary probably thought that was hip, and it all makes sense. The announcer explains that Wolfram & Hart was founded in 1791 on deconsecrated ground, and adds that the company has "branches that reach right into the heart of every major corporation, including Yoyodyne, Weyland-Yutani, and News Corp." Ha! See, they're all evil. Well, I enjoyed that. More file footage, as the announcer says, "That fabulous movie queen? She owes us her first-born." And so on. Over more modern footage, the announcer says, "Under our new CEO, Angel, we're focusing less on power and more on using that power for good." Shots of Angel, Gunn, and Fred at work. The announcer explains that killing people is now a bad thing, "and that includes you, vampires!" Shot of the vampire from the teaser in "Conviction." A red circle-and-slash pops up over his face. Cut to another guy sipping from a mug as the announcer chides, "That better [sic] be pig's blood, mister!" Cut to Angel speaking to a group of employees. He awkwardly says, "If you don't kill...we won't kill you." Then Angel does that quick, closed-mouth smile you do when you're uncomfortable. Hee. The announcer chimes in, "No more employee sacrifices!" over a shot of someone standing in a blazing fire -- I think that's actually Vocah's ring of fire, from "To Shanshu in L.A." I wish I could purge this stuff from my brain. Shots of various cheerful office workers as the announcer goes on about the "Wolfram & Hart family." The video closes with a shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign.
As an exposition device, that was at least entertaining. If The WB isn't going to allow "previously"s, they might as well be creative about working this stuff in. Maybe they could do a Star Wars-type crawl sometime, or have someone like Augustus explain things. Or hell, why not actually have Augustus do it? For no reason. I mean, who cares? Oh, hang on, the teaser isn't over yet! Not by a long shot.
We pan over a dresser to an alarm clock which reads 7:00 as it starts buzzing and spewing music. Harmony wakes up and gets ready to start the day with an invigorating montage. Harmony, you'll remember, is the vampire without a soul. It's the craziest, most daring idea to come from Mutant Enemy in some time. I mean, she's a vampire, but she doesn't have a soul! It's crazy! Whedon, you mad genius, what will you think of ? The song for the montage, which is quite catchy, is "Hey Sailor" by the Detroit Cobras, which is, inexplicably, a cover of Mickey Lee Lane's "Hey Sa-Lo-Ney"; that's more research than I've ever had to do for a teaser before. Harmony bathes and wraps herself in a pink towel. She brushes her teeth with a pink toothbrush. Her bathroom mirror has "Be your best" written on it. Before twenty people email me: we don't see Harmony's reflection in the mirror. She vamps out and brushes her fangs. She lifts up a dresser to find a lost shoe.
Harmony arrives in her building's garage. How does she get to work? Does she have a pink company car with necrofuckingtempered windows? I wish they'd shown Harmony opening a manhole and daintily descending into the sewers for her commute. Instead, though, we see her saying hi to Mrs. Jacobi, a little old lady with a teeny yappy dog. Mrs. Jacobi ignores her.
Harmony arrives at Wolfram & Hart, carrying some dry-cleaning that I guess she picked up at the necrofuckingtempered mall on the way to work. She stops at her desk and picks up a mug that says "#1 Boss," and then heads for the kitchen. As she enters, she jostles a co-worker named Tamika. Tamika spills coffee on herself as a result, and glares at Harmony. Harmony listens to a couple of co-workers griping about their bosses. Harmony tries to join the conversation, but they ignore her. One girl complains, "I mean, making me drop off her stool sample was one thing...." Ew. Although this is kind of what I was hoping the episode would be like. Not a stool sample -- that's what it turned out to be like. See, I thought they'd use this Harmony's-eye-view as an opportunity to show what the other employees at Wolfram & Hart were like, and the basic workings of the office. Like when we'd get glimpses of the intra-office backstabbing in past seasons. I think it would be funny to show that the corporate atmosphere hasn't really changed. Anyway, Harmony gives up on socializing and goes to the fridge, where she pours a mug of blood out of a thermos labeled "Angel! Do not touch." She takes a bowl out of the microwave and starts to nuke the blood. A guy pops up behind her and starts to complain that she moved his bowl. He will eventually be identified as Cary's assistant, Danny. Maybe he's been identified that way in past episodes, but I have a cold and I lack the energy to care. Anyway, Danny is mad because Harmony took his bowl out of the microwave. But the microwave wasn't running. So whatever he was heating is already heated, or he hadn't even started heating it yet, or else he's just insane. Harmony seems to understand what he's annoyed about, which is more than I can do. She apologetically says it isn't fair that her boss's needs come before his boss's needs, and bops away with the mug. So the bowl actually contains something for Cary?
Back at her desk, Harmony sets the mug on the counter while Angel stares at her and taps his fingers. He still has a scrape or two on his face from the big brawl in the last episode. Harmony goes over Angel's schedule and mentions that the cleaners couldn't get the "Frophila slime" out of his clothes. She also refers to a "demon clan confab," and says that the catering is taken care of unless Angel has suggestions. Angel finally responds, "Achite vong mochzinite [click-click]." He then pulls out an earpiece to establish that he's learning some demon language and wasn't listening to anything Harmony said. I can't entirely fault him for that. Except, why stop and stand at Harmony's desk to listen to it? If he didn't care what she was saying, shouldn't he have just grabbed his mug and walked away? As he finally takes his mail, Angel asks if Harmony's taken care of the catering. She starts to fume as Gunn arrives and asks, "Ready to do this thing?" He and Angel immediately head for Angel's office. Harmony hops up and scurries after them, babbling about all the work she did on the catering. Gunn slams the door in her face. She sighs, "You're welcome." Plaintive music toots.
A guy pushing a cart approaches Harmony's desk and says, "You're up today." Harmony whines that she hasn't tasted human blood in months, but finally stretches out a hand while the guy, Rudy, prepares to take a blood sample. She answers a ringing phone while he zaps her finger with a gadget, leading to the expected "Good morning, Wolfram and -- ow!" punchline. After a moment, Harmony tells the caller, "You need [extension] 529 for curses. Foiled again, huh? Hello?" Heh. Rudy looks at his gadget, which reads, "Negative," and exits. As Harmony sits down, she greets a demon named Eli. Eli says, "Heeeeey...you!" Shouldn't she have a little nameplate thing? Eli says that Angel asked him to come up, and smarms, "I think the honchos are finally starting to recognize my work in Accounting." Shout-out? Gunn pops out of the office and calls Eli over. Harmony notices that Angel's mug is still on her desk, grabs it, and heads for the office.
Harmony walks into the office just in time to see Angel chopping Eli's head off with a sword. The head rolls to a stop at Harmony's feet. Angel asks her to "get that cleaned up."
Aaaaand credits. Finally. That teaser was almost seven minutes long! Phew. While reading the rest of this recap, see if you can tell what my New Year's Resolution is. And see if you can predict how quickly I'll break it.
When we return, some suits are carrying Eli's body away. Angel and Gunn are standing by Harmony's desk so that she can ask why they beheaded the accountant. Angel says he didn't like what Eli was doing after work, and Harmony protests until Gunn clarifies that Eli was dismembering virgins. Harmony argues, for some reason, that "A person's religious beliefs is [sic] no cause for --" Gunn interrupts, "He did it for his own amusement." She asks if a stern warning might have helped. How stupid is Harmony supposed to be? I don't get this conversation. Angel snits, "Nobody in this office gets away with murder. Not anymore." Except the good guys.
Cary, Wesley, and Fred walk over and see a suit carrying Eli's head away. Fred is wearing another miniskirt which seriously ends four inches above her knee. She looks like she wandered out of a Catholic school for wayward teens. Gunn quips that "terminating an employee" is the hardest part of the job. And then Spicule wanders in. Oh...boy, it's Spicule! Hooray! He's also got a little cut on his forehead from the fight with Angel, which just makes him that much more attractive because scars are so hot. Also, I think it's nice that they're being consistent about how completely inconsistent vampire healing abilities are. Fred says, "Where have you been? It's been days." It's a shame we couldn't have had an episode or two with Spicule gone. I mean, sure, the episodes would have been a lot less interesting without Spicule there to insert some much-needed snark, and plus it might have been difficult to follow the story if he wasn't there to mention that Angel is in charge of a large company and has a lot of cool cars as a result. But it would have been revealing to see how much the MoG miss him and depend on him, and it would have proved that the show just isn't the same without him. Anyway, Spicule tells Fred he's been "enjoying freedom from [his] ghostly confines." Which means he's been on a bender. Not the robot. And suddenly a new subset of crossover slash fiction is born. At least I hope it's new. Spicule says he dropped by for "final farewells." Wesley asks, "You're leaving?" and Spicule pauses to admire Wesley's brilliant deductive reasoning before explaining that someone is waiting for him. Wesley doesn't think it's a good idea for Spicule to leave with the Shanshu prophecy still unresolved. Shut up, Wesley. Spicule says that Angel's welcome to the "heroic destiny," because Spicule's got better things to do. Spicule starts to leave, but when Angel says, "Let him go," Spicule immediately spins back and asks Angel for a few hundred bucks for his travel expenses. Angel refuses, and Spicule calls Angel "a cheap sod." I collapse with laughter at the way he wittily punctures Angel's ego, so I almost miss it when Spicule goes on to say, "How 'bout some wheels?" Oh ho, that Spicule! See, instead of starting by asking for a car, and negotiating down for some cash, he actually asked for the more expensive thing after getting turned down for the cheaper thing! Angel falls for this Looney Tunes psychology, and says, "If it's gonna get you out of here faster, fine. Just not the Viper." Spicule quickly says he'll take the Viper. Here's another great thing about Spicule: suppose you have little kids, two or three years old. If they're gone for some reason, and you miss them, watching Spicule for a few minutes will probably make you miss them a lot less. Angel stomps back to the office, and Spicule calls after him, asking if there's a message for Buffy. Angel grumps, "Tell her you're a moron." Do you think he will? I mean, since he's all good and everything, wouldn't Spicule feel kind of obliged to pass on Angel's message? It would be even better if he tilted his head while saying, "Buffy, Angel told me to tell you that I'm a moron."
Cary says cheerio to Spicule and wanders off to do whatever it is he was planning to do before all the chatting. Wesley and Gunn vanish, or maybe walk off with Cary. Harmony watches as Spicule steps closer to Fred with a charmingly bashful attitude that is practically fresh and new if you haven't watched Season Five of Buffy in a while. He tells Fred that he appreciates all the work she did trying to de-ghostify him. Fred says she didn't do anything, but Spicule insists, "Oh, but you did! You believed in...." Unicorns? Did she make him feel like a man, instead of the ghost of a vampire with a soul? Fred finally says, "You're welcome," and hobbles off.
As Spicule starts to walk away, Harmony grumbles, "What? I don't get a goodbye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?" She does a good job of making her voice all "trying not to burst into tears" quavery. Spicule, bemused, says, "Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you." Okay: heh. He walks off, and Harmony pouts.
Later, the MoG have gathered in the conference room, and Harmony's there too. I guess she's supposed to be taking notes, but since she isn't normally part of these pow-wows, it just reminds us that the episode's from her point of view, so she's got to be worked into all of the scenes with plot points. I think that's the problem with this episode: they did it like a standard episode, except Harmony's the main character. I think something like Babylon 5's "A View From the Gallery" would have worked a lot better. Not that it was a great episode, but the concept is a good one, especially for comedy. I guess that's the thing: the premise of the episode suggests that it'll be hilarious to see the characters, and Wolfram & Hart, from a different point of view. But the point of view isn't that different, and there's not that much hilarity. Maybe they thought it would seem even more like "Storyteller," but for some reason I have trouble believing that everyone at Mutant Enemy spends a lot of time worrying about repeating themselves. Where were we?
Oh yeah: exposition. So they're hosting a conference for two warring demon clans. Apparently, this conflict started over a misused fork. See, that's not so much hilarity as whimsy. Gunn mentions that "a demon rights activist by the name of Tobias Dupree got involved. He's liaison to both clans. Only guy in the world they all trust." Wesley asks why they care if a bunch of demons kill each other, which is what I was wondering, which makes me feel icky. Gunn claims that if the MoG can stop the fighting, it'll impress the other demons. Fred says, "That makes sense." No, it doesn't. You don't want to impress demons with your negotiating skills; you want to kill them. Because of their being all evil. Remember? Then there's some general chit-chat about how the demons are really persnickety about manners, and so everyone has to learn demon etiquette. Danny -- the guy from the kitchen -- pokes his head in, and Cary gets a few precious lines as he encourages Danny to enter. Danny hands over his planned seating chart. Cary compliments him, Danny preens, Danny exits. Harmony looks grumpy. Fred natters about upgrading the weapons scanner. I was at a meeting for two and a half hours last Thursday. It was more interesting than this scene. Gunn declares that he'll be doing the translating, since the demons don't speak English. He explains, "Along with the law, and the Gilbert & Sullivan, I also got me a few demon languages in the brain-upload." He left out the knowledge of extra-dimensional demon laws. I guess he doesn't want to seem like a show-off. Or he doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that it takes two characters who can do anything just to get through an episode with almost no plot. Angel repeats that Demon Etiquette Is Very Important, and this time Harmony interrupts to mention that she's done some research, and asks, "Did you know that they think poodles are wicked bad luck?" Wesley says he's glad Harmony's there, and of course she perks up, and then of course he tells her, "We'll be needing lunch." Harmony despairs while the others debate the merits of Thai food.
Cut to Harmony in the kitchen, sipping what I'll assume is blood from a straw plunked into her pink mug. The two girls who were complaining about their bosses in the morning are now gossiping about the MoG. One says that she's noticed Fred "giving Mr. Gunn the eye." The other girl thinks Fred has a thing for Knox. Harmony speaks up to say that Wesley is "totally crushing over Fred." One girl snits, "Mr. Wyndam-Pryce? Everyone knows he's -- Muffins!" Heh. The "Muffins!" is a reaction to Danny setting an enormous basket of muffins on the table. Danny explains that they're from Cary. He amends, "Actually, from Shaq, but he's declared his office a carb-free zone." The girls tell Danny that Cary is grooming him. Harmony declares, "Angel grooms me, too." Could you set up these punchlines a little less obviously, please? One of the girls sniffs: "Explains the haircut." Harmony is clueless enough to go on insisting that Angel depends on her until her cell phone rings. She answers the phone, and everyone in the room can hear Angel shouting, "Get the hell down here! Now!" Harmony tries to play it off casually while her co-workers trade amused glances.
Cut to Angel and other suits in the lobby, staring at something off-camera. Angel asks if Harmony can explain this, and she confusingly whines, "This is totally my fault. I specifically told the caterers [that] the delivery was for tomorrow, but I should have called to confirm." The camera finally spins around to reveal a camel standing in the lobby. I'm impressed they got that up the elevator. Or did they bring it up the stairs? Are camels like cows, so they can walk up stairs but not down them? Or is that a myth about cows? While Harmony snivels some more, Fred steps out of the elevator and shrieks with surprise upon finding herself nose to nose with the camel. Harmony explains that camel is considered a delicacy by the demon clans, so she thought it would be a great start to the summit. She tells Angel, "As host, you get the honor of slicing off its hump and sticking a hot poker through its heart!" Angel laughs the way I do when I'm about to ban someone, and stammers, "Are you...I don't even know how...." Fred suggests that the camel might not be the best idea. Angel snaps that Harmony is supposed to anticipate his needs, "which does not [sic] include a petting zoo in my lobby!" He orders her to get rid of the camel, and stomps off. He really, really hates Harmony. More than he's ever hated anyone, ever. Remember how angry he was when he tried to suffocate Wesley? He's even angrier at Harmony right now. And it's so out of proportion that I don't feel any sympathy for Harmony, because I'm too busy trying to figure out exactly why Angel's so pissy. He's never seemed this annoyed by her before, so it's confusing.
Harmony bursts into tears, and Fred gently suggests that maybe Harmony should get a cheese platter instead. Harmony insists that she did everything right, and Fred tries to explain that Angel's "feeling a little...off." But why? Because of Spicule? But then shouldn't he be snapping at everyone? This is another thing that I thought it would matter, or be explained eventually, which means that it distracted me from the little that was actually happening on the show. But maybe that's a good thing. Harmony sobs that Angel hates her. Fred claims that he doesn't, but he really, really does. For some reason. Harmony adds that everyone hates her, and Fred insists that she doesn't, adding, "It's just...I don't know you that well." Harmony instantly brightens and asks, "What are you doing after work?"
Cut to Harmony and Fred at a bar. Harmony's complaining about her life over a margarita. She tells Fred that she can't even quit her job, because she has nowhere else to go: "I tried being out on my own, all independent and evil. I'm just no good at it." Fred asks, "Isn't that a good thing?" I think Fred's assuming that, if Harmony's no good at being evil, she must be good at being good. The truth is that Harmony's just incompetent no matter what. Fred tells Harmony not to take Angel's pathological hatred personally, and insists, "He has a lot on his mind." Harmony tells Fred, "I wish I were more like you. Y'know, except for the part about being all into science and not having a lot up front." What does that leave? The miniskirts? The babbling? I think Harmony's already got those things. Harmony finally explains that Fred has two hotties after her, and tells Fred about all the office gossip about Gunn and Knox and Wesley. Well, she doesn't share all of the gossip about Wesley. Fred stammers that they all work together, "and there's a lot of baggage"; she then interrupts herself to wonder why she's sharing this with Harmony. Harmony insists, "Because we're totally bonding! We're like gal pals -- this is awesome!" She suggests that Fred can teach her about life, and she can teach Fred how to dress. I think Fred's getting the better half of that deal. Well, she lived in a cave for five years, come on. Oh, hang on, does this mean that Fred's outfits are supposed to be awful? That's somewhat reassuring.
Fred starts to gossip about her feelings for Knox and Wesley, but just as the audience is collectively about to jump off a bridge because nobody freaking cares about Fred's love triangles, she stops to ask why anyone cares about her love life. "That's what we've been saying for years," the audience sighs. Harmony explains that everyone wants to know what's happening with the bigwigs, then grumbles, "You'd think they'd ask me, but...." Fred guesses that Harmony doesn't have any friends at Wolfram & Hart. Harmony admits, "I used to be way popular in high school. Just since I got vamped at my graduation I've had trouble connecting with people." You weren't really "connecting with people" when you were popular, Harmony. You were bullying them. Fred tells Harmony to "put herself out there," and then there's a very odd conversation to establish that vampires refer to humans as "straight." I can't wait to read the essays which use this conversation to accuse Mutant Enemy of gay-bashing, because they're equating the soulless undead to homosexuals. Or maybe they're subverting the metaphor and questioning our cultural biases about what "evil" is, and implying that Buffy was committing hate crimes. Personally, I think it's just a joke that isn't very funny, but don't mind me. Anyway, this somehow leads to Fred's suggesting that Harmony should try dating some live humans for a change. It's nice that they're still using the fact that Fred's insane as a plot point. That is what they're doing here, right? Harmony confesses that a guy at the bar has been looking at her. Fred starts to turn to look at the guy, but Harmony quickly yanks her back, which will be important later, so I'll complain about it then. Fred encourages Harmony to go talk to him, and Harmony says she couldn't abandon Fred, but is easily convinced that she can. She stops long enough to ask Fred for advice on how to hit on a guy, which ranks with Buffy getting flirting advice from Willow on the list of "least plausible character interactions ever." Fred tells Harmony to ask the guy where he's from and what he does for a living. "Cover the boring stuff!" Harmony summarizes. "Only -- maybe act like it's not?" Fred suggests. Harmony heads for the bar, and Fred tells herself, "I'll just...go."
Harmony sits at the bar to a guy who looks great in profile but a little strange from the front. I dunno; his face is just wider than I expected. Harmony introduces herself and asks the guy where he's from. He gets as far as "The Bay Area originally, but--" before she chirps, "Uh huh, interesting, what do you do for a living?" The guy offers to buy her a drink. Harmony smiles.
We pan across Harmony's dresser to the clock. 7:00. Cue the alarm. Harmony wakes up, and the guy from last night is in bed with her, and he's dead. But we don't know that yet. Well, we do know that, because we've watched television before, but we don't officially know it. Nope, we have to watch Harmony turn the alarm off, and roll over, and find the guy to her, and attempt to guess his name, and talk to him for a while, and realize he hasn't woken up. Finally, she rolls him over and sees the bite marks on his neck. "Oops," Harmony moans.
Commercials. Johanna and I try to figure out why Angel hates Harmony so much. Or maybe he really hates camels. Johanna asks how they'll get rid of the camel, and then theorizes that Spicule could ride it away. I like that idea.
When we return, Harmony has finished her usual morning routine, and worked in a new bit where she stuffs a naked corpse into a colorful laundry bag. She rushes for the elevator and hits the call button, but then hears a yappy dog approaching. She hurries over to a garbage chute and shoves the body into it as Mrs. Jacobi and her dog approach. Harmony has some trouble getting the body down the chute, so she finally poses casually in front of the chute and greets Mrs. Jacobi who, as usual, ignores her. Mrs. Jacobi gets in the elevator, and Harmony turns around and finishes shoving the body down the chute. I sorta thought Mrs. Jacobi would matter at some point. Like, she'd be a demon or a zombie or something. Or the dog could be a demon. I'd have been a lot more amused if we'd gotten the sense of a whole world that the MoG don't see, and to which Harmony is oblivious. Give me some sense that I'll be rewarded for paying attention, instead of forcing me to realize that I could have tuned in for the last ten minutes without missing a thing.
Cut to the garage, where we see the body hit the edge of the dumpster and bounce out onto the ground.
Harmony peers down the chute and moans, "Oh, crapola!," and then races for the stairs.
Harmony arrives in the garage, puts down her bags, and starts to pick up the body as another bag of trash drops through the chute and lands on her back. Maybe she should move the dumpster first. The elevator dings, and Mrs. Jacobi steps out just as Harmony manages to heft the body into the dumpster. Harmony greets Mrs. Jacobi yet again, who has no reaction, and throws the other bag of trash into the dumpster. See? It's like the setup for a joke, with no punchline.
Harmony arrives at Wolfram & Hart and acts as suspect as she possibly can, peering around corners and reassuring herself out loud. As she reaches her desk, she spots Rudy the blood-checking-guy across the lobby, and ducks down low in her chair. Suddenly Angel says, "Blood," and Harmony looks at her clothes and asks, "Where?" Angel clarifies that he wants his mug o' blood. Well, go get it yourself, sheesh. He grumbles, "I've got the demon summit today, and you're late...." He notices Harmony's odd posture and asks what she's doing. Harmony blinks and tells him, "Desk crunches!" She starts doing upright sit-ups as she giggles, "Get fit while you sit! You should see my abs! You wanna?" Heh. Angel glares at her, because he hates her. So much. More than he hates Spicule. Harmony prepares to fetch his blood, and Angel tensely reminds her, "I can't afford to have anything go wrong today." Because if something goes wrong, then the demon clans will keep killing each other. Which would be just awful. Harmony asks, "What could go wrong?" and then actually squeaks with nervousness.
In the kitchen, Harmony once again removes a bowl from the microwave prior to nuking Angel's mug o' blood. While it heats, she mutters: "I remember the talking. 'Hi, I'm Harmony.' 'You look thirsty.' 'Well, why don't I drink a couple quarts of your blood, then...Tom? ...Terry?'" She moans that she drank too much, and sighs, "Damn lemon drops." Johanna says she's done that. That is, she's blamed the lemon drops, not woken up to a dead guy. At least, not very often. Harmony continues her monologue long enough to decide that it's all Fred's fault, and then is interrupted when Danny says, "You did it again!" He's all huffy about the mysterious unheated bowl of nothing. Harmony makes her usual excuses, and then heads for the fridge. She pulls out her own thermos of blood, which is decorated with glittery unicorn stickers, and gulps from it. Well, actually, she pants into it. It's kind of freaky. After some consultation with Johanna, I decide that she's supposed to be making gulping sounds, but since the thermos is actually empty, we just hear the metallic echo of her breathing into the thermos. The other suits in the kitchen stare at her as she fans herself with one hand and drinks. She notices their looks and pauses long enough to babble that she's stressed because of the summit. She goes back to chugging from the empty thermos until her phone rings, and Angel nags her to hurry up with the blood.
Back at her desk, Harmony talks to the caterer about getting chips and dip. She hangs up and checks her to-do list, which reads: "Remind Security about summit, arrange transportation, return camel, confirm catering." She looks up and gets all dreamy as she stares at the neck of a woman passing by her desk. The phone rings, and she answers it cheerily but then looks worried. She buzzes Angel and tells him, "There's a Detective Griffin for you." After transferring the call, she listens in as the detective reports that they've found someone who was killed by a vampire. Angel looks through the window and tells the detective to hang on a minute, before growling, "Harmony, I got it!" Hates her. More than Bachelor Bob hates Kelly Jo and Nora. Harmony hangs up but keeps watching Angel through the window, and freaks out even more when she spots Wesley and Gunn heading for the office.
Angel joins Wesley and Gunn in the lobby and tells them that a cop just called him about a body they found. Harmony asks where the body was found. Angel reports that they found it at the dump, in a laundry bag. Wesley asks why the cops called Angel, and he says, "Apparently, we own them." Buh? Gunn says, "Makes sense," and Wesley chirps, "Of course," and it's not any more convincing than when Fred says that something makes sense. Did Wolfram & Hart own the cops back when Kate was around? No wonder she got in so much trouble. Angel adds that the cops found Angel's card on the body. He says, "It was the liaison between the feuding clans." Gunn confirms, "Toby Dupree?" Harmony exclaims, "Toby! That was his...name. Really?" The MoG appear to be confused by Harmony, but not at all suspicious. I can't quite decide if this is unusually dumb, even for them, or if it's par for the course. While Angel tells the others that this is going to cause problems for the summit, Harmony mutters, "He told me he was an astronaut." Wesley wonders if the demons will take this as a bad omen. Harmony asks if the copy had "any actual real info." They ignore her, and Wesley goes on to wonder if someone killed Toby to interfere with the summit. Harmony enthuses, "That must be it!" The MoG stare at her. But not suspiciously. 'Cause of their being dumb.
In Angel's office, Angel, Wesley, and Gunn are chatting with the demons. Angry growls and clicks come from the speakerphone, and Gunn explains that the demons are upset. Thanks. Do you think he's just bluffing about knowing demon languages? Angel instructs Gunn to say that the summit is still on. While that's going on, we see that Harmony is lurking in the office as well. Through the miracle of captions, the demons insist, "Killer must be found! Killer must be punished!" Gunn assures the demons that they'll take care of it. Angel chimes in with some tongue-clicks of his own, which are translated as "Be disemboweled!" The demons are incensed, and call Angel a "filthy man whore." Hee. Gunn quickly calms them down by saying, "He meant 'be patient.' The whore man is a novice in your tongue and makes foolish errors. We make fun of him, yes?" Heh. Gunn hangs up the phone, and Wesley asks what happened. Angel admits that he made a mistake, and Harmony cheerfully says, "Forgive and forget, I say!" Gunn says that the demons won't be doing either, and Angel agrees that they have to solve Toby's murder. He adds that Fred should have some information for them once the body gets to the lab. Harmony asks, "Our lab?" and exits. I ask, "Fred's a medical examiner now?" I'm not sure why I'm surprised by that. Maybe I'm just surprised that Gunn isn't one. Yet.
Sure enough, down in the lab, Fred is checking out the body and making notes like "significant postmortem battering suggests a prior relationship with the victim." She also reports that the "consulting coroner" (Fred needs a consultant? I'm shocked at her incompetence) estimates the time of death as "approximately" 1:30 AM. Yeah, "approximately." Fred spots Harmony, and instantly asks if Angel sent Harmony to hurry up the autopsy. Only she uses more words than that. Harmony plays along and tries to find out what Fred has learned. Then Harmony asks, "Don't you think it's possible that whoever did could have blacked out, and doesn't even remember doing it, so it's totally not their [sic] fault?" Fred just says, "I guess," instead of being suspicious, because after all, she's a coroner, not a psychologist. Fred mentions that she enjoyed going out with Harmony, and then measures the bite marks, and says they indicate that the vampire was female. Harmony blurts, "Or gay!" but Fred says it doesn't work that way. Fred asks if Harmony wants to get together again, but Harmony says she's busy. Fred suddenly looks deeply concerned and asks, "Is there something you want to tell me?" Harmony stammers, but of course it's just a fake-out, because Fred is actually what happened with the guy at the bar in an incredibly unnatural way. Harmony chuckles, "Loser! Big. Told me he was an astronaut!" Fred and Harmony share a giggle, and then Harmony exits.
On her way back to her desk, Harmony tells herself that she should just leave the country. Suddenly, she stops and gasps, "Bitten on the right! He was bitten on the right!" She's so excited that she jumps up and down and squeals, and when she runs into Rudy, she kisses him on the nose. Rudy -- who is very hard to distract -- grabs Harmony's hand and takes a blood sample. Harmony goes on cheering, "I didn't do it!" Rudy says, "You sound just like my six-year-old. He's always saying that --" He stops as he sees that the readout on his gadget says, "Positive -- transmitting results." Harmony grabs the gadget and looks at it. Then she looks at Rudy and giggles. And then she punches him, knocking him out.
After the commercials, Harmony tosses Rudy's body into a maintenance closet. She strolls down the hall and then turns the other way when she hears Cary approaching. Cary pursues her and asks if she's seen Danny. She hasn't, but she takes the opportunity to oh-so-casually ask where the results of the random blood tests go. Cary guesses they're transmitted to the lab, and then he's distracted by a faint moan coming from the closet. "Did you just hear that?" he asks. Harmony shakes her head dubiously and says, "Hear what?"
Cut to Harmony dumping Cary's unconscious body into the same closet. Heh.
Harmony enters the lab and tells Fred, "I can explain." Fred stammers and tries to edge away, but Harmony insists, "It's not what you think!" For reasons passing my understanding, Fred reassures Harmony, "You slipped, had some human blood. Maybe it was consensual?" Harmony non-explains that she doesn't remember anything, and maybe someone drugged her at the bar. She concludes, "And then I woke up, and he was there!" It takes Fred a while to realize that the "he" in question is Toby. Fred goggles while Harmony points out that Toby was bitten on his right side. She proudly declares, "I'm a right-biter." She demonstrates by lunging at Fred, angling her head to her right, which is Fred's left. This point is reiterated for a while until even Fred, the supergenius, can understand it. Fred says that Harmony makes "a very convincing argument," and I can't tell if she means that seriously or not, but she goes on to mention that Harmony's blood test shows she fed on a human. Harmony says it's a mistake, and then gasps, "Somebody spiked my thermos!" Fred asks why someone would do that, and Harmony theorizes that someone's trying to get her out of the way in order to ruin the summit. Hasn't the story so far demonstrated that the best way to ruin the summit would be to keep Harmony around? Fred picks up the phone and says that she wants to believe Harmony, but that they have to tell Angel about all of this. Harmony puts her hand over the phone and insists that Angel will kill her. Harmony whines, "I'm not a killer! Well, I am. But I've been clean for eight months! Except for today. But that is different because it's not me!" Fred assures Harmony that Angel will listen to her story, and I think Fred actually believes that, which shows how smart she is. Fred moves Harmony's hand off the phone and starts dialing. Harmony looks resigned.
Cut to Harmony dumping Fred's body in the closet. She dragged Fred through the halls just to keep all the bodies in one place? Harmony puts some duct tape over Fred's mouth, earning her a small place in my heart forever. Fred squeaks, and Cary and Rudy join in with their own muffled protests. Harmony apologizes to them all and says, "It's just till I clear my name. I so owe you guys dinner!" With that, she closes the door on them.
Harmony walks down the hall while performing another monologue. "Somebody put blood in my blood -- human blood in my thermos." She decides to check her thermos for fingerprints.
Meanwhile, the demon clans have gathered in the lobby. The demons are blue and wrinkly and dressed like Renaissance Fair extras. They're also irate. One declares, "If you cannot offer the blood of the killer, one of your own must die." Gunn translates, and Angel says, "They want a blood sacrifice? Harmony!" Harmony peeks around a corner sadly and starts to defend herself, but of course they don't notice. Angel tells Harmony to find out what Fred has learned from Toby's corpse. Harmony cheers up and says she's on it.
Harmony steps into the kitchen and sees Danny holding out her thermos. Harmony loudly accuses him of trying to get rid of the evidence. Danny explains that the thermos was in the way of Cary's protein snack. Harmony dismisses that and tells Danny to admit that he spiked her thermos with human blood. She shoves him up against the fridge and says that she knows he hates her. Danny, confused, says, "I don't care about you enough to hate you." Another suit tries to pull Harmony off Danny, but Harmony vamps out and says, "Mind your own business." Everyone else in the kitchen scampers out. I think the Wolfram & Hart employees should be a little more used to weird things happening. I mean, they should be placing bets on this fight instead of running away. Harmony turns back to Danny and orders him to confess. Danny starts to sob, "Don't kill me!" Then a glass is smashed over his head, knocking him unconscious. Harmony devamps and turns to face Tamika, the girl she spilled coffee on way, way back at the start of the episode. "What'd you do that for?" she asks. Tamika says, "To make it look like you did." It takes Harmony a minute, but eventually she gasps, "Hey! It was you! ...Who are you?"
After the ads, Tamika reminds Harmony that they sat to each other in the steno pool. Harmony guesses, "Sambuca?" Tamika snaps, "Tamika!" Tamika has apparently read the Supervillainy for Dummies books, because she takes her time in explaining her grudge against Harmony. Basically, she's worked at Wolfram & Hart longer than Harmony has, and is better qualified than Harmony is, so she's jealous of Harmony's job. The end. Tamika suddenly kicks a table at Harmony, but Harmony leaps out of the way and vamps out. Harmony says, "You're forgetting one thing. I kinda have the advantage." Tamika vamps out and responds, "Kinda not." "Oh," says Harmony. And then they fight.
While they trade punches, they also exposition some more. Harmony says she should have smelled Tamika, to which Tamika responds, "You would have if you wore less of that tacky perfume." More wrestling while Tamika explains that she saw Harmony at the bar, put a roofie in her drink, followed Harmony and Toby back to Harmony's apartment, broke in, and killed Toby. Tamika then prepares to stake Harmony with a convenient pair of chopsticks. Harmony kicks her away and grabs her own chopsticks. Remember that scene in Tapeheads when Belinda and Samantha are facing off with knives and nunchucks, and John Cusack wanders in and calls them "ninja bitches," and then they put away their weapons and act like nothing was going on? This isn't very much like that. Which is a shame. They go on fighting, and Tamika says she's going to smash Harmony's unicorns, and I guess that fires Harmony up because we cut to...
...Harmony holding Tamika in a headlock and drags her down the hall so that Tamika can confess to Angel. Harmony also repeats all the stuff Tamika did, in case anyone zoned out the first time Tamika explained the extremely uncomplicated story. Tamika breaks away, and they fight some more.
The demons are clickity-clacking at each other in the conference room. We hear Harmony and Tamika shrieking nearby. The demons are saying, "Whore man has failed! We demand a sacrifice!" Harmony and Tamika crash through a window into the room. Tamika falls back against the table, and Harmony stakes her with a chopstick. Poof. Harmony looks around and offers, "I didn't mean to do that yet." The demons look at each other. One says, "Works for me," and the other replies, "I'm good." A devamped Harmony offers to explain. Angel folds his arms and glares at her. He hates her more than Shack hates Tru Calling. ["Wow. He really hates her, then." -- Wing Chun]
Later, Fred, Cary, and Rudy are all holding ice packs on their heads in Angel's office. And Wesley lurks in the back of the office, for some reason. Angel tells Harmony that she should have told him what was going on. Fred grumbles, "I wish I would have [sic] thought of telling her that." Harmony insists, "I totally wouldn't have hit you over the head and put you in the closet if I didn't have a really good reason." She sniffles that Angel didn't want her as his assistant. Harmony adds, "It's not like I have a soul; I have to try a lot harder." To do what? What's simplified by having a soul? When did that matter in this episode? I'm pretty sure that the problem isn't that she's soulless, it's that she's brainless. Gunn enters from the conference room, and Wesley asks how the summit is going. Gunn says it's carnage-free so far. See, even the other characters don't really care about this summit thing. Why should I? Fred says that, while Harmony could have handled things better, she didn't kill anyone. Except Tamika. Wow, their standards are pretty low: "You didn't actually kill anyone. Good job!" Maybe I should work there. Or, actually, maybe I shouldn't. Rudy tells Harmony, "You'll be clean in two days -- but I'll be watching you!" and then exits. Harmony turns to Angel and says, "I know, he won't have to be watching me because...I'll just pack up my desk." She heads for the door, but Angel calls her back. "Just bring us some coffee," he says. Harmony doesn't look overjoyed at that vote of confidence, which is nice. But I'm still not sure why Angel doesn't fire her. He'd be justified in firing her even if he didn't hate her more than I hate fandom.
Harmony's at the bar, complaining to the bartender about how unappreciated she is. Spicule strolls in and sits to her. Harmony asks what he's doing there when he's supposed to be off enjoying his eternal, romantic, and extremely healthy romance with Buffy. Spicule explains -- and I use that word loosely -- "A man can't go out in a bloody blaze of glory, saving the world, and then show up three months later, tumbling off a cruise ship in the south of France." Maybe he should tumble off a camel instead. That'll impress her! Harmony assures him that girls don't care about grand exits and whatever it is he's talking about. She says, "One look at you and she'll forget herself. She'll get all tingly and it won't matter how horribly you treated her in the past and how you took her for granted, because she'll be so distracted by the realization that you are incredibly old and that she's making out with someone who could be her father, ew." Spicule says it's just that he died for Buffy, and if he shows up now, "[his] grand finale won't hold much weight. All of it. It won't matter." Johanna says, "I like how Spicule said exactly the same thing twice. Because the first time, it didn't make any sense, but then when he said it again using slightly different words, I was totally convinced!" Harmony is too busy with her own self-absorption to be drawn into Spicule's totally justified solipsism, so she sighs that she doesn't matter. Spicule cheers her up by pointing out, "Girl tried to frame you, didn't she? You must have mattered to her. Everybody's talking about it." Harmony ponders this and says, "That girl hated me. She wanted me dead. I matter!" She sips her drink and smiles. Fade out. Huh.
time, Fred wears latex gloves, Gunn wears kitty-contacts, and Angel wears a tie. Guess which image is most disturbing?