Harm's Way

Props to thestatic and secrettvjunkie. And to the makers of Tylenol Cold. Ugh.

The show opens with a little corporate video, and I wonder who at Wolfram & Hart is responsible for the March of Time newsreel style, complete with deep-voiced announcer and cheerful generic music. Then I realize that Cary probably thought that was hip, and it all makes sense. The announcer explains that Wolfram & Hart was founded in 1791 on deconsecrated ground, and adds that the company has "branches that reach right into the heart of every major corporation, including Yoyodyne, Weyland-Yutani, and News Corp." Ha! See, they're all evil. Well, I enjoyed that. More file footage, as the announcer says, "That fabulous movie queen? She owes us her first-born." And so on. Over more modern footage, the announcer says, "Under our new CEO, Angel, we're focusing less on power and more on using that power for good." Shots of Angel, Gunn, and Fred at work. The announcer explains that killing people is now a bad thing, "and that includes you, vampires!" Shot of the vampire from the teaser in "Conviction." A red circle-and-slash pops up over his face. Cut to another guy sipping from a mug as the announcer chides, "That better [sic] be pig's blood, mister!" Cut to Angel speaking to a group of employees. He awkwardly says, "If you don't kill...we won't kill you." Then Angel does that quick, closed-mouth smile you do when you're uncomfortable. Hee. The announcer chimes in, "No more employee sacrifices!" over a shot of someone standing in a blazing fire -- I think that's actually Vocah's ring of fire, from "To Shanshu in L.A." I wish I could purge this stuff from my brain. Shots of various cheerful office workers as the announcer goes on about the "Wolfram & Hart family." The video closes with a shot of the Wolfram & Hart sign.

As an exposition device, that was at least entertaining. If The WB isn't going to allow "previously"s, they might as well be creative about working this stuff in. Maybe they could do a Star Wars-type crawl sometime, or have someone like Augustus explain things. Or hell, why not actually have Augustus do it? For no reason. I mean, who cares? Oh, hang on, the teaser isn't over yet! Not by a long shot.

We pan over a dresser to an alarm clock which reads 7:00 as it starts buzzing and spewing music. Harmony wakes up and gets ready to start the day with an invigorating montage. Harmony, you'll remember, is the vampire without a soul. It's the craziest, most daring idea to come from Mutant Enemy in some time. I mean, she's a vampire, but she doesn't have a soul! It's crazy! Whedon, you mad genius, what will you think of ? The song for the montage, which is quite catchy, is "Hey Sailor" by the Detroit Cobras, which is, inexplicably, a cover of Mickey Lee Lane's "Hey Sa-Lo-Ney"; that's more research than I've ever had to do for a teaser before. Harmony bathes and wraps herself in a pink towel. She brushes her teeth with a pink toothbrush. Her bathroom mirror has "Be your best" written on it. Before twenty people email me: we don't see Harmony's reflection in the mirror. She vamps out and brushes her fangs. She lifts up a dresser to find a lost shoe.

Harmony arrives in her building's garage. How does she get to work? Does she have a pink company car with necrofuckingtempered windows? I wish they'd shown Harmony opening a manhole and daintily descending into the sewers for her commute. Instead, though, we see her saying hi to Mrs. Jacobi, a little old lady with a teeny yappy dog. Mrs. Jacobi ignores her.

Harmony arrives at Wolfram & Hart, carrying some dry-cleaning that I guess she picked up at the necrofuckingtempered mall on the way to work. She stops at her desk and picks up a mug that says "#1 Boss," and then heads for the kitchen. As she enters, she jostles a co-worker named Tamika. Tamika spills coffee on herself as a result, and glares at Harmony. Harmony listens to a couple of co-workers griping about their bosses. Harmony tries to join the conversation, but they ignore her. One girl complains, "I mean, making me drop off her stool sample was one thing...." Ew. Although this is kind of what I was hoping the episode would be like. Not a stool sample -- that's what it turned out to be like. See, I thought they'd use this Harmony's-eye-view as an opportunity to show what the other employees at Wolfram & Hart were like, and the basic workings of the office. Like when we'd get glimpses of the intra-office backstabbing in past seasons. I think it would be funny to show that the corporate atmosphere hasn't really changed. Anyway, Harmony gives up on socializing and goes to the fridge, where she pours a mug of blood out of a thermos labeled "Angel! Do not touch." She takes a bowl out of the microwave and starts to nuke the blood. A guy pops up behind her and starts to complain that she moved his bowl. He will eventually be identified as Cary's assistant, Danny. Maybe he's been identified that way in past episodes, but I have a cold and I lack the energy to care. Anyway, Danny is mad because Harmony took his bowl out of the microwave. But the microwave wasn't running. So whatever he was heating is already heated, or he hadn't even started heating it yet, or else he's just insane. Harmony seems to understand what he's annoyed about, which is more than I can do. She apologetically says it isn't fair that her boss's needs come before his boss's needs, and bops away with the mug. So the bowl actually contains something for Cary?

Back at her desk, Harmony sets the mug on the counter while Angel stares at her and taps his fingers. He still has a scrape or two on his face from the big brawl in the last episode. Harmony goes over Angel's schedule and mentions that the cleaners couldn't get the "Frophila slime" out of his clothes. She also refers to a "demon clan confab," and says that the catering is taken care of unless Angel has suggestions. Angel finally responds, "Achite vong mochzinite [click-click]." He then pulls out an earpiece to establish that he's learning some demon language and wasn't listening to anything Harmony said. I can't entirely fault him for that. Except, why stop and stand at Harmony's desk to listen to it? If he didn't care what she was saying, shouldn't he have just grabbed his mug and walked away? As he finally takes his mail, Angel asks if Harmony's taken care of the catering. She starts to fume as Gunn arrives and asks, "Ready to do this thing?" He and Angel immediately head for Angel's office. Harmony hops up and scurries after them, babbling about all the work she did on the catering. Gunn slams the door in her face. She sighs, "You're welcome." Plaintive music toots.

A guy pushing a cart approaches Harmony's desk and says, "You're up today." Harmony whines that she hasn't tasted human blood in months, but finally stretches out a hand while the guy, Rudy, prepares to take a blood sample. She answers a ringing phone while he zaps her finger with a gadget, leading to the expected "Good morning, Wolfram and -- ow!" punchline. After a moment, Harmony tells the caller, "You need [extension] 529 for curses. Foiled again, huh? Hello?" Heh. Rudy looks at his gadget, which reads, "Negative," and exits. As Harmony sits down, she greets a demon named Eli. Eli says, "Heeeeey...you!" Shouldn't she have a little nameplate thing? Eli says that Angel asked him to come up, and smarms, "I think the honchos are finally starting to recognize my work in Accounting." Shout-out? Gunn pops out of the office and calls Eli over. Harmony notices that Angel's mug is still on her desk, grabs it, and heads for the office.

Harmony walks into the office just in time to see Angel chopping Eli's head off with a sword. The head rolls to a stop at Harmony's feet. Angel asks her to "get that cleaned up."

Aaaaand credits. Finally. That teaser was almost seven minutes long! Phew. While reading the rest of this recap, see if you can tell what my New Year's Resolution is. And see if you can predict how quickly I'll break it.

When we return, some suits are carrying Eli's body away. Angel and Gunn are standing by Harmony's desk so that she can ask why they beheaded the accountant. Angel says he didn't like what Eli was doing after work, and Harmony protests until Gunn clarifies that Eli was dismembering virgins. Harmony argues, for some reason, that "A person's religious beliefs is [sic] no cause for --" Gunn interrupts, "He did it for his own amusement." She asks if a stern warning might have helped. How stupid is Harmony supposed to be? I don't get this conversation. Angel snits, "Nobody in this office gets away with murder. Not anymore." Except the good guys.

Cary, Wesley, and Fred walk over and see a suit carrying Eli's head away. Fred is wearing another miniskirt which seriously ends four inches above her knee. She looks like she wandered out of a Catholic school for wayward teens. Gunn quips that "terminating an employee" is the hardest part of the job. And then Spicule wanders in. Oh...boy, it's Spicule! Hooray! He's also got a little cut on his forehead from the fight with Angel, which just makes him that much more attractive because scars are so hot. Also, I think it's nice that they're being consistent about how completely inconsistent vampire healing abilities are. Fred says, "Where have you been? It's been days." It's a shame we couldn't have had an episode or two with Spicule gone. I mean, sure, the episodes would have been a lot less interesting without Spicule there to insert some much-needed snark, and plus it might have been difficult to follow the story if he wasn't there to mention that Angel is in charge of a large company and has a lot of cool cars as a result. But it would have been revealing to see how much the MoG miss him and depend on him, and it would have proved that the show just isn't the same without him. Anyway, Spicule tells Fred he's been "enjoying freedom from [his] ghostly confines." Which means he's been on a bender. Not the robot. And suddenly a new subset of crossover slash fiction is born. At least I hope it's new. Spicule says he dropped by for "final farewells." Wesley asks, "You're leaving?" and Spicule pauses to admire Wesley's brilliant deductive reasoning before explaining that someone is waiting for him. Wesley doesn't think it's a good idea for Spicule to leave with the Shanshu prophecy still unresolved. Shut up, Wesley. Spicule says that Angel's welcome to the "heroic destiny," because Spicule's got better things to do. Spicule starts to leave, but when Angel says, "Let him go," Spicule immediately spins back and asks Angel for a few hundred bucks for his travel expenses. Angel refuses, and Spicule calls Angel "a cheap sod." I collapse with laughter at the way he wittily punctures Angel's ego, so I almost miss it when Spicule goes on to say, "How 'bout some wheels?" Oh ho, that Spicule! See, instead of starting by asking for a car, and negotiating down for some cash, he actually asked for the more expensive thing after getting turned down for the cheaper thing! Angel falls for this Looney Tunes psychology, and says, "If it's gonna get you out of here faster, fine. Just not the Viper." Spicule quickly says he'll take the Viper. Here's another great thing about Spicule: suppose you have little kids, two or three years old. If they're gone for some reason, and you miss them, watching Spicule for a few minutes will probably make you miss them a lot less. Angel stomps back to the office, and Spicule calls after him, asking if there's a message for Buffy. Angel grumps, "Tell her you're a moron." Do you think he will? I mean, since he's all good and everything, wouldn't Spicule feel kind of obliged to pass on Angel's message? It would be even better if he tilted his head while saying, "Buffy, Angel told me to tell you that I'm a moron."

Cary says cheerio to Spicule and wanders off to do whatever it is he was planning to do before all the chatting. Wesley and Gunn vanish, or maybe walk off with Cary. Harmony watches as Spicule steps closer to Fred with a charmingly bashful attitude that is practically fresh and new if you haven't watched Season Five of Buffy in a while. He tells Fred that he appreciates all the work she did trying to de-ghostify him. Fred says she didn't do anything, but Spicule insists, "Oh, but you did! You believed in...." Unicorns? Did she make him feel like a man, instead of the ghost of a vampire with a soul? Fred finally says, "You're welcome," and hobbles off.

As Spicule starts to walk away, Harmony grumbles, "What? I don't get a goodbye just because I went crazy and tried to rip your throat out while we were having sex?" She does a good job of making her voice all "trying not to burst into tears" quavery. Spicule, bemused, says, "Keep it simple, Harm. It suits you." Okay: heh. He walks off, and Harmony pouts.

Later, the MoG have gathered in the conference room, and Harmony's there too. I guess she's supposed to be taking notes, but since she isn't normally part of these pow-wows, it just reminds us that the episode's from her point of view, so she's got to be worked into all of the scenes with plot points. I think that's the problem with this episode: they did it like a standard episode, except Harmony's the main character. I think something like Babylon 5's "A View From the Gallery" would have worked a lot better. Not that it was a great episode, but the concept is a good one, especially for comedy. I guess that's the thing: the premise of the episode suggests that it'll be hilarious to see the characters, and Wolfram & Hart, from a different point of view. But the point of view isn't that different, and there's not that much hilarity. Maybe they thought it would seem even more like "Storyteller," but for some reason I have trouble believing that everyone at Mutant Enemy spends a lot of time worrying about repeating themselves. Where were we?

Oh yeah: exposition. So they're hosting a conference for two warring demon clans. Apparently, this conflict started over a misused fork. See, that's not so much hilarity as whimsy. Gunn mentions that "a demon rights activist by the name of Tobias Dupree got involved. He's liaison to both clans. Only guy in the world they all trust." Wesley asks why they care if a bunch of demons kill each other, which is what I was wondering, which makes me feel icky. Gunn claims that if the MoG can stop the fighting, it'll impress the other demons. Fred says, "That makes sense." No, it doesn't. You don't want to impress demons with your negotiating skills; you want to kill them. Because of their being all evil. Remember? Then there's some general chit-chat about how the demons are really persnickety about manners, and so everyone has to learn demon etiquette. Danny -- the guy from the kitchen -- pokes his head in, and Cary gets a few precious lines as he encourages Danny to enter. Danny hands over his planned seating chart. Cary compliments him, Danny preens, Danny exits. Harmony looks grumpy. Fred natters about upgrading the weapons scanner. I was at a meeting for two and a half hours last Thursday. It was more interesting than this scene. Gunn declares that he'll be doing the translating, since the demons don't speak English. He explains, "Along with the law, and the Gilbert & Sullivan, I also got me a few demon languages in the brain-upload." He left out the knowledge of extra-dimensional demon laws. I guess he doesn't want to seem like a show-off. Or he doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that it takes two characters who can do anything just to get through an episode with almost no plot. Angel repeats that Demon Etiquette Is Very Important, and this time Harmony interrupts to mention that she's done some research, and asks, "Did you know that they think poodles are wicked bad luck?" Wesley says he's glad Harmony's there, and of course she perks up, and then of course he tells her, "We'll be needing lunch." Harmony despairs while the others debate the merits of Thai food.

Cut to Harmony in the kitchen, sipping what I'll assume is blood from a straw plunked into her pink mug. The two girls who were complaining about their bosses in the morning are now gossiping about the MoG. One says that she's noticed Fred "giving Mr. Gunn the eye." The other girl thinks Fred has a thing for Knox. Harmony speaks up to say that Wesley is "totally crushing over Fred." One girl snits, "Mr. Wyndam-Pryce? Everyone knows he's -- Muffins!" Heh. The "Muffins!" is a reaction to Danny setting an enormous basket of muffins on the table. Danny explains that they're from Cary. He amends, "Actually, from Shaq, but he's declared his office a carb-free zone." The girls tell Danny that Cary is grooming him. Harmony declares, "Angel grooms me, too." Could you set up these punchlines a little less obviously, please? One of the girls sniffs: "Explains the haircut." Harmony is clueless enough to go on insisting that Angel depends on her until her cell phone rings. She answers the phone, and everyone in the room can hear Angel shouting, "Get the hell down here! Now!" Harmony tries to play it off casually while her co-workers trade amused glances.

Cut to Angel and other suits in the lobby, staring at something off-camera. Angel asks if Harmony can explain this, and she confusingly whines, "This is totally my fault. I specifically told the caterers [that] the delivery was for tomorrow, but I should have called to confirm." The camera finally spins around to reveal a camel standing in the lobby. I'm impressed they got that up the elevator. Or did they bring it up the stairs? Are camels like cows, so they can walk up stairs but not down them? Or is that a myth about cows? While Harmony snivels some more, Fred steps out of the elevator and shrieks with surprise upon finding herself nose to nose with the camel. Harmony explains that camel is considered a delicacy by the demon clans, so she thought it would be a great start to the summit. She tells Angel, "As host, you get the honor of slicing off its hump and sticking a hot poker through its heart!" Angel laughs the way I do when I'm about to ban someone, and stammers, "Are you...I don't even know how...." Fred suggests that the camel might not be the best idea. Angel snaps that Harmony is supposed to anticipate his needs, "which does not [sic] include a petting zoo in my lobby!" He orders her to get rid of the camel, and stomps off. He really, really hates Harmony. More than he's ever hated anyone, ever. Remember how angry he was when he tried to suffocate Wesley? He's even angrier at Harmony right now. And it's so out of proportion that I don't feel any sympathy for Harmony, because I'm too busy trying to figure out exactly why Angel's so pissy. He's never seemed this annoyed by her before, so it's confusing.

Harmony bursts into tears, and Fred gently suggests that maybe Harmony should get a cheese platter instead. Harmony insists that she did everything right, and Fred tries to explain that Angel's "feeling a little...off." But why? Because of Spicule? But then shouldn't he be snapping at everyone? This is another thing that I thought it would matter, or be explained eventually, which means that it distracted me from the little that was actually happening on the show. But maybe that's a good thing. Harmony sobs that Angel hates her. Fred claims that he doesn't, but he really, really does. For some reason. Harmony adds that everyone hates her, and Fred insists that she doesn't, adding, "It's just...I don't know you that well." Harmony instantly brightens and asks, "What are you doing after work?"

Cut to Harmony and Fred at a bar. Harmony's complaining about her life over a margarita. She tells Fred that she can't even quit her job, because she has nowhere else to go: "I tried being out on my own, all independent and evil. I'm just no good at it." Fred asks, "Isn't that a good thing?" I think Fred's assuming that, if Harmony's no good at being evil, she must be good at being good. The truth is that Harmony's just incompetent no matter what. Fred tells Harmony not to take Angel's pathological hatred personally, and insists, "He has a lot on his mind." Harmony tells Fred, "I wish I were more like you. Y'know, except for the part about being all into science and not having a lot up front." What does that leave? The miniskirts? The babbling? I think Harmony's already got those things. Harmony finally explains that Fred has two hotties after her, and tells Fred about all the office gossip about Gunn and Knox and Wesley. Well, she doesn't share all of the gossip about Wesley. Fred stammers that they all work together, "and there's a lot of baggage"; she then interrupts herself to wonder why she's sharing this with Harmony. Harmony insists, "Because we're totally bonding! We're like gal pals -- this is awesome!" She suggests that Fred can teach her about life, and she can teach Fred how to dress. I think Fred's getting the better half of that deal. Well, she lived in a cave for five years, come on. Oh, hang on, does this mean that Fred's outfits are supposed to be awful? That's somewhat reassuring.