Italicized font declares that this is the Royal London Hotel. In England. Thanks. Oh, and it's 1880. Pan, pan, pan across the room, past some doors and furniture and the usual things one finds in a room. Then, as giggling voices approach, we hilariously reverse course and pan back toward the doors to the room. It's like the cameraman was moving too fast and forgot he was meant to stop. Drusilla and a newly vamped Spike stumble inside. Aw, Dru. Last week I mentioned to Wing Chun that I like Dru partly because she's the only angst-free character. She just does her thing. ["I can't get past the annoying crazy talk. She's like every LSD-dropping spinny hippie girl I went to high school with." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Spike presses Dru up against a wall, but she scoots away while noting that he's a "'ungry little kitty." Spike asks if this is her home, and she points out the corpses on a nearby couch and explains that it was their home until "Angelus took them for dinner."
Spike is curious about this Angelus chap, and on cue, Angelus appears in a doorway. Drusilla introduces Spike, saying: "Look what oi made! It's called...Willie." Spike corrects her, "William." Dru wants to show her new toy off to Darla, and a very shaggy Angelus slowly explains, "Darla and I had a little spat." Oh, good, he's still keeping his voice low. That seems to improve the accent a lot. Angelus explains that the Master sent for Darla, and sniffs, "You know Darla. Master's pet." Dru sympathizes, and Angelus assures her that he and Darla will make up. Angelus + Darla 4EVR! Angelus rubs his hand on his face to indicate that there's a cut there from the fight with Darla, although we can't see it because he's got great hanks of messy hair in the way. I'd be so annoyed if I did the makeup on that and then realized the cut was invisible under the wig. Angelus advances toward Spike, asking if Dru has put "another rooster in the henhouse." Dru asks if Angelus is angry with her, although I get the impression that she's hoping for a "yes." Angelus grabs Spike's arm and yanks it into a ray of morning sunlight as he asks, "Do ye have any idea what it's like havin' only women as travel companions?" Spike pulls away as Angelus adds, "I've been wondering what it'd be like to share the slaughter of innocents with another man." As he says this, he puts his fist out into the sunlight and watches it smoke. Oh, it's like secret cutting for vamps. Secret burning. Although not actually very secret, I guess. Angelus turns his hand in the light and twitches a little as he asks, "Don't think that makes me some kind of a deviant, mmm, do ya?" I do wish he wouldn't grunt. It reminds me of that time he made the weird gaspy "uhhhh" at Holtz, and then I can't stop giggling. And what was Penn, chopped liver? Okay, it's been about a hundred years since then, so I guess he's entitled to feel like it'd be a change. Spike stares at him curiously, and then sticks his hand back into the light. You know what's fun to do? Watch this bit while rewinding. "Look, I'm sucking smoke into my hand!" Such magic. Angelus bursts into hearty laughter, like, "My own Mini-Me! Wow, now I can finally discover exactly how annoying I am!" Angelus claps Spike on the shoulder and declares that they're going to be "the best of friends." Damn, where'd my ironic foreshadowing detector go? Spike tries to laugh as idiotically as Angelus, and makes an admirable job of it.
Cut to modern-day Angel telling Spike, "Get the hell away from me." He descends the stairs into the lobby with Spicule following close behind. I am irresistably reminded of those Warner Bros. cartoons with the big bulldog that lumbers along while the yappy little puppy runs around it. As they cross the lobby, Spicule steps through a support beam because he is a ghost. Presumably the FX were cheaper than buying enough alchohol to convince someone in the cast to play exposition fairy again. Spicule insists on getting what he wants. Angel walks to Harmony's desk and sniffs, "You're not getting an office." As Spicule whines about not having his own space, Angel collects his mail from a mysterious blonde temp at -- whoa, is that Harmony?! Wow. She looks different. Her hair seems to have doubled in volume, which I don't think is solely due to the astonishing I Dream Of Jeannie ponytail on the crown of her head. But her makeup is different, too. Lots of eyeliner. Now that I think about it, maybe she just looks different because her mouth is closed. As Angel heads into his own office, Spicule goes on whining that he has no place of his own, and that "it's not bleeding right." He begs, "At least give me Wesley's office, since he's gone." Angel explains that Wesley has taken a temporary leave of absence, and slams his office door shut. Spicule grumbles that Wesley thought he'd killed his "bloody" father, and shouts, "Try staking your mother when she's coming on to you!" Harmony looks at him and says, "That explains a lot." Is there going to be a joke about that every single week? 'Cause if so, I should probably watch that episode at some point. Spicule starts to march off, but Harmony calls him back, saying that a package arrived for him. Harmony shakes the box experimentally, says it's heavy, and then opens it for him. Upon opening the lid, there's a burst of bright light. Harmony blinks, and Spicule says, "Well, that was a slap and a tickle." Harmony says that the box is empty, and then is interrupted by the phone. Spicule heads for Angel's office as Harmony is hit with a different kind of whiny noise via the phone. Even though I know it's coming, I am somewhat amused when Spicule crashes into the door and falls down instead of passing through it. Hearing the crash, Angel opens the door and stares down at Spicule, who looks up and says, "Hold on..." During that scene, Spicule uses the word "bleeding" once and "bloody" once.
Credits. I can't really complain about the producers' doing what I asked as far as inexplicably making Spicule corporeal. I just wish they'd done it sooner. So I guess now I'll hope that they just as inexplicably dust him.
When we return, phones are ringing constantly in the background and Spicule is delighted to be solid again. "I can feel!" he chirps, and starts patting Angel's chest until Angel shoves him off and whines, "Stop touching me!" Heh. Spicule tastes the blood running down from his nose, ew, and then grabs Angel's mug o' blood and gulps it down. I'll bet Marsters and Boreanaz are really pleased that they've started putting the blood in opaque mugs instead of glasses. Now they don't have to choke down straight Nestle's or whatever that concoction is. Spicule enthuses, "It's bloody ambrosia," and then looks at Angel all Taster's-Choice-spokesman and asks, "Is this otter?" Heh. Gunn wanders over and asks what's going on. Spicule instantly climbs a handy step-ladder and gives Gunn a warm hug and a peck on the cheek as he says, "I'm back, Charlie!" There sure was a lot of weirdness there. After Gunn and Angel wonder how this happened, Spicule guesses that it's because of the "box of flashy" he got. Angel calls Harmony over and asks why the phones are ringing. She says that nobody knows, "and all there is is 'eeeeeeeee' on the other end." Someone must have put the wrong phone number up for American Idol. Spicule makes with the head-tilt while he eyes her, and then leaps in and gives her a kiss. Now it's her turn to shove Spicule away. "Get off!" she cries, and Spicule replies, "That's the idea." Spicule tells Angel that he wants to "borrow [his] gal Friday for a bit," and Angel and Harmony both object. Spicule looks at Harmony and cooly says, "That's a very pretty skirt you're wearing." It is, too. Harmony stares at Spicule, who smirks at her, and then tells Angel that she's taking a long lunch. Spicule grabs Harmony's hand and they run off while Angel looks, y'know, grumpy. During this scene, Spicule uses the word "bloody" twice.
Cut to Spike and Angelus laughing merrily in a carriage. Jeez, is that all they did? Chortled at each other? Spike tells Angelus, "And then you lept up right in the middle of the ceremony and squeezed the priest's head until it popped --" Angelus pulls a punctured but conscious bride a little closer to him while Spike goes on telling Angelus what he just did. Man, that's more annoying then the laughing. Spike's all, "Remember how you did this? And then you did that? Remember that? That was cool." Between this and the insane giggling, they're like a Victorian Beavis and Butthead. Angelus mercifully interrupts by offering Spike a drink from the bride, noting that he's "had [his] fill." Spike declines, saying he should go join Drusilla, who's searching of kiddies to munch on. Angelus quietly says, "She's special, isn't she? Our Drusilla." Spike wistfully says, "She brought me into this world. Where I was meant to be. It's like she's my destiny." Angelus notes that she's sweet, but "brain-addled." Spike defends her, saying, "She's got a bit of a child in her." "Perhaps two or three by now," Angelus quips; he orders the carriage to stop, and tells Spike to be home before sunrise. During this scene, Spicule uses the word "bloody" twice.
Spicule and Harmony roam the halls looking for an empty office. As they pass one door, Spicule turns back, enters, and orders the suit to get out. As Harmony sits on the desk and starts removing her shoes, Spicule grabs the suit by the arm and drags him out, and then slams the doors. The suit knocks impotently and finally walks down the hall.
The suit enters a copier room and tells someone, "You're not going to believe this, Jerry. I just got thrown out of my own office!" Jerry turns to face him, and we see that there's blood dripping from...well, not his eyes. From under his eyes. "Toner," he gasps, and then wallops the suit with a fire extinguisher. As Jerry clubs the suit he shouts, "Nobody! Replaces! The toner!" I sympathize. Although with me, it's that nobody starts a fresh pot of coffee. There have been times I've had to go from kitchen to kitchen, starting pots of coffee because, apparently, I'm the only one in the whole company who can spare the minute it takes to dump the pre-measured packet of coffee grounds into the basket and press "brew." By the time I've started two or three pots, the first one is done and then I get my coffee and go back to my office and seethe for a while. I think people figure, "I'll just leave a quarter-cup in the thermos, because that way, technically, I didn't finish it off and am not morally obligated to start a fresh pot." I stood in the kitchen and watched someone do that once, and if there'd been a fire extinguisher nearby, I'd probably be in a lot of trouble now. People suck.
Out in the lobby, Angel is telling a tech guy to shut down the phones. Gunn reappears and asks Angel if they're under attack. Fred runs up and joins the pedeconference to tell them that their computers and "atmospheric gauges" have gone all kerblooey. Angel returns to his office and realizes that his mug o' blood is empty. He shouts for Harmony, but Gunn reminds him that Harmony's "having a nooner" with Spicule. Which provides an opportunity for Fred to catch up on recent developments. Fred is shocked, and asks why nobody called to tell her that Spicule was corporeal. Angel explains that they were busy with "the glitch in the office system...which just so [sic] happens to coincide with [Spicule's] being back, and I can't believe I'm just getting that." Gunn wonders if there's a connection. Well, yeah. Fred babbles that the energy that gave Spicule a body again could have had a ripple effect, "or something bigger, like --" "The entire universe thrown into catastrophic turmoil?" Eve offers from the doorway. She says that the "corporate seers" told her what was happening, and non-explains that it's a "harbinger." Don't use those words! She brings up the Shanshu prophecy, and Angel and I sigh wearily. Eve and Fred remind us that you shouldn't talk about the boards on the boards. Eve claims that Spike's re-existence is causing a mess, prophecy-wise. Gunn says that this doesn't make sense. Right there with you, pal. He points out that it wasn't a problem to have two souled vampires last year, and Eve explains that they were on totally different networks then and that The Powers That Be don't get UPN. Okay, actually she says, "The key word here is 'champion.'" Nooooooo! Not that word, either! Eve says that Spicule's auto da fé gave him champion status. Gunn frowns and heads for the door to check on something. Fred accuses Eve of knowing all along that this would happen all along, even while Fred was trying to re-corporealize Spicule. Eve insists that she had no idea, and then asks, "How'd you pull it off, by the way?" Angel and Fred look shifty, and Angel finally explains that Spicule got a package in the mail. "Like the amulet," Eve notes, and Angel suspiciously says, "Yeah. Never did find out who sent it." Fred wonders if the Senior Partners are responsible, and Angel finally asks what the phone goofiness is supposed to be harbinging. "Something worse. Something dangerous," Eve says. Well, duh. Though it would be funny if there was massive destrution as a harbinger of rainbows and puppies.
Cut to Harmony grunting as Spicule humps her. Thanks for that. Then we see blood dripping from under Harmony's eyes as Spicule whispers, "Let's not spoil the moment." Harmony sinks her fangs into Spicule's neck. You wouldn't think that would bother a vampire as much.
Commercials. I try to call Johanna, but she is refusing to answer her phone because of the puns. Or maybe she's out to dinner. I forget. So I sit alone, mulling over the fact that even seeing evil Spike doesn't interest me too much. Particularly when he's still acting like a big goober. Now I'm depressed.
When we return, Spicule leaps off Harmony and notices that her mascara is running. And red. Harmony is shouting: "Using me! Making me think -- feel -- like yours! You don't want me, you want your Slayer whore!" Oh, Harmony. Yelling at them doesn't help. She lunges for him, shrieking, "I'll kill you!" Yes, that's the way. Except that Spicule promptly knocks her across the room and into unconsciousness. I like the shot of her feet sticking up as she falls behind the desk. Hee. Spicule looks confused, like usually the girls don't start yelling at him until after the sex is over, at least. During this scene, Spicule uses the word "bloody" once.
The office's original inhabitant is covered with a sheet while Jerry is strapped down to a gurney, still muttering about the "self centered jerks." He's injected with a sedative as we pan up to see Cary, with a bloody forehead, explaining to Angel and Eve that he found Jerry with the fire extinguisher in the copy room. It's like an workplace version of "Kill Dr. Lucky." On the wall behind Cary, the word "toner" is scrawled in blood. Ha! A security goon enters and tells Angel, "We have two more attacks, one fatality." Angel orders them to seal off the building, and I wonder if he's going to remember about the secret escape tunnels. The security goon exits, telling his jacket color, "We have a code black. Affirmative, we are closing Pandora's Box." Cary explains that he's had his one scene for the week, and wanders away. I wish the producers didn't feel obliged to bring every regular on-screen in every episode, because it just calls attention to the fact that they've got nothing for the actor to do. Angel asks Cary to tell Fred that she should tell Angel if she figures out what's going on. I was going to ask why Angel didn't just call her, but then I remembered that the phones are out. Okay. Instead, I'll ask if Angel thinks that Fred will just sit quietly in her lab if she discovers something. I'm pretty sure Fred would insist on letting Angel know if she realized that her cheese sandwich is a little stale, much less if she learned something important. Eve tells Angel that he already knows what's going on, and Angel snots, "No, Eve, I don't!"
Angel and Eve pedeconference while Eve repeats that "the fabric of reality is starting to unravel" and soon it'll just be a giant lintball in the dryer of existence. She says, "For my money, it comes down to you and --" On cue, Spicule exits an office in front of them. He spots Angel and explains that Harmony just went nuts: "Had to put her porch lights out. For the best, I'm sure you understand." Angel sniffs, "You're a real hero," which sets Eve off again. She says, "There's only supposed to be one candidate for the vampire-with-a-soul hero part in the big show." Which, of course, doesn't make any sense, because prophecies with multiple interpretations are pretty much par for the course and, if anything, the Shanshu deal seemed weird because it was unusually clear. I understand that Eve's explanation turns out to be false, but it does seem as if Angel ought to question her theory on those grounds. On the other hand, I suppose he's faced enough weirdness not to really question the lack of sense in what goes on. Anyway, Eve says, "This town might not be big enough for the both of you." Spicule accepts his marching orders and strides off, saying, "I think I'll take the new flesh and bones across the pond." Eve follows him, explaining that she didn't just mean Los Angeles: "I meant this entire plane of existence." Oh! Oh! Send him to Pylea! Please? As they reach the elevator, Gunn steps out looking shell-shocked. He sits on a cabinet and explains that he went to the White Room to visit the kitty. But the room and the kitty were gone: "Elevator just opened up into a howling abyss." Eve says that without the conduit, they're all alone: "No contact with the Senior Partners. Just us and a big gaping tear in the balance of the universe." Angel grudgingly asks Spicule to stay, noting that Europe will still be there after they resolve this problem. Eve suggests that they should find out which vampire the prophecy is about. Well, hang on, if the entire universe can't figure it out, how are you guys supposed to? What kind of quantum metaphysics is this? Yeah, I know her story isn't supposed to be true, but it ought at least to sound plausible. Angel says he just read the prophecy, and there wasn't any clue in it. Spicule interrupts to confirm suspiciously that Angel read the prophecy after insisting that it was nonsense. Oh shut up, Spicule. Who cares? Nobody but you is allowed to be curious about anything? Gunn says they need an expert in prophecies, and Angel points out that Wesley's gone. I'm not sure what the one has to do with the other. Eve suggests that they look for someone in Wesley's department. Angel grunts, "I'm telling you, I read the prophecy!"
Cut to Rutherford Sirk, the David Warner impersonator from "Home," in a plush office. Rutherford snaps, "You didn't read the prophecy!" Angel looks bemused. Rutherford explains that reading a translation is nothing like reading the actual text. As he goes on about that, Angel, Spicule, and Eve trade bored looks. Gunn's standing, so his eye-rolls take place off-camera. Rutherford concludes, "Read the prophecy. You may as well have read a twelve-year-old's book report on the subject." Heh. Gunn whispers, "I miss Wesley." Oh my God, I don't. Rutherford rules. Somebody needs to point out how dumb the MoG are. Rutherford finds a translated set of verses and reads: "The root of the tree will split in two, and each then will seek nourishment from the buried river." Spicule says it sounds like gardening tips, and Rutherford dryly notes that it's a metaphor, adding, "Please tell me I don't have to explain 'metaphor' to you people." I love him.
Rutherford reads on: "The balance will falter until the vampire with a soul drinks from the Cup of Perpetual Torment." Angel snickers, "More metaphor," and Rutherford corrects him: "No, that's real." Spicule sniffs, "'Perpetual Torment'? You just know that's not going to taste very good." Heh. Rutherford goes on about how "He will have the weight of worlds upon him, binding his limbs, grinding his bones to meal, until he saves creation. Or destroys it." Spicule asks what's on the plus side, and Rutherford says that the vampire's past will be "washed clean." "And live again in mortal form," Angel adds, unenthused. Gunn asks if it'll sort everything out if Angel drinks from the cup. Spicule demands to know why Gunn's so sure Angel's the one. Angel sniffs, "Do you really think this is about you?" Eve says they don't want to make a mistake, and Rutherford interjects: "There is no wrong. The drinking of the cup is predestined." He says that once one of the vamps is "confirmed" as the subject of the prophecy, "the universe should realign itself." Well, the Shanshu is also predestined. See? No sense. Gunn asks where the cup is. Rutherford looks over the text and describes how a city called Petra vanished in the Crusades, materialized at the Vatican until the Inquisition, and then went away again. He turns the page, muttering about how interesting this is, and finally declares, "It's in Nevada." While Gunn looks increasingly confused, Rutherford says that the cup will appear at "the columns," and the desert will swallow them up. He notes that the last part has to be translated loosely, and suggests, "And the fat lady will sing no more." Heh. Angel says, "Opera," and explains that The Columns was an opera house in Death Valley that was swallowed up in an earthquake in 1938. He says it's a short drive, and offers to go there and back before dawn. Gunn doesn't think it's a good time for Angel to leave town, but Angel figures he has to assume that the prophecy is true and give it a try. He stands up and tells Gunn that he's in charge, and then suddenly notices that Spicule has gone missing. Way to use the old vampire supersenses there, Angel. During this scene, Spicule uses the word "bloody" once.
Cut to a shiny red Viper tooling through the desert. Spicule is listening to the Dead Kennedys in the car. A phone rings. Er. Do all the cars come with phones? Or did Spicule just happen to pick up a phone on his way to knocking out some security goon and stealing the car? Spicule answers it, "Yello?" and Angel yells at him for taking the car. We cut to Angel racing along in another car. I was really hoping there'd be a car chase to justify the stupid freaking cars. Instead we get two characters talking to each other on the phone. Bleah. And, as was asked in the forums, why didn't Angel take his helicopter? So, Angel yells at Spicule, and Spicule says that he's the prophecy-boy because he came back from the dead, and hangs up. I think this is a good time to mention my latest idea about the cars. As you may have noticed, the WB's site claims that Angel has a "fleet of limos." Which he doesn't. Yet. But that made me realize that a fleet of limos would make slightly more sense, because they'd have drivers. Let's say Angel goes racing out in the necrofuckingtempered car in the middle to day to go save someone from horrible evil. Fine, right? Okay, suppose he gets pulled over for speeding or pulling bootlegger turns for no reason, or whatever. Cop strolls up and tells him to roll down the window. Poof. And is he going to refuse to pull over, or to roll down the window? With Los Angeles cops? That'll go over well. I do think it'd be funny if Angel died because of a traffic stop, but the limos make slightly more sense, because then at least the driver could roll down the window while Angel stayed safe in back. And...well, I hate the stupid cars.
Back at Wolfram & Hart, Gunn is on a walkie-talkie, advising a security goon to take care of Harmony by shooting her full of "elephant tranqs." Do they have elephant tranqs? Just in case of a demonic circus? Actually, that would be a fun stand-alone episode. He hangs up, and Eve notes that it's always something. She examines the collection of toy robots on Gunn's shelves, which pleases me. (The collection, I mean, not Eve examining them.) Eve doesn't ever please me, honestly. Gunn points out that Eve always seems to turn up in time for the wackiness. Eve says she's just lucky, and Gunn asks, "What else are you?" He doesn't buy that Eve is a "fresh young thing from Santa Cruz who somehow winds up connected to the Senior Partners at Evil Incorporated." Eve replies, "If we're talking about being 'connected,' Charles, you're the guy that talks to the cat upstairs." Through the window behind them, we see that a man outside the office is strolling toward them carrying a fire axe. Wish they hadn't gone to a close-up of him; it's funnier if it's not obvious. While Eve goes on volleying Gunn's suspicions, a suit races by, distracting the axe-man for a minute. Then he moves closer to the office, raising the axe, as Eve says, "I'm just a messenger." Gunn chuckles, "And I'm just a mild-mannered attorney." Another suit suddenly tackles the axe-man. Yeah, he's the axe-man. And you're working for nobody but him. Sorry. Gunn and Eve both look up toward the source of the thudding noise. Then Gunn takes the robot out of Eve's hand and tells her, "Don't be fingerin' my robots." He replaces it on the shelf while Eve stares at him with deep something-or-other. I wonder if the axe-man was coming after Gunn, or Eve, or both. I also wonder if I'm supposed to wonder about that.
Angel's silly sportscar drives through the desert. And we see a crumbled building sitting on a dune.
Angel steps into the abandoned opera house. Or whatever. Was it always in the city that reappears and vanishes all over? Or was it added in Nevada, so it was left behind when the...you know, I'm just gonna stop thinking about it now. I advise you to do the same. Although he knows Spicule is probably there already, Angel moseys in without any urgency. Then Spicule says, "Here we are, then. Two vampire heroes," from an opening in the upper level. Angel asks if Spicule considers himself a hero. Spicule insists that he saved the world, and Angel snaps, "Once. Talk to me after you've done it a couple more times." Spicule says, "Done talkin', mate," and oh, if only that were true. He wanders off to find the cup, and Angel curses and starts his own search. I do have to say that Marsters and Boreanaz play well off each other. Spicule clearly loves taunting Angel, and I particularly like that Angel oozes...not hatred, exactly, but vast irritation. He doesn't hate Spicule personally; he just finds him immensely annoying. I get that personally, but I do genuinely like how that flavors their interactions. Anyway, the guys wander through dim hallways and into a flashback.
Spike returns to the hotel to find Angelus noisily banging someone. While fully dressed. Er, both of them. All three of them, actually. Spike gets as far as "Looks like you haven't had her fill of her after --" and then Angelus turns his head, and Spike sees that the girl is Dru. I didn't catch that the first time -- Spike assumed it was the kidnapped bride. Dru lolls on the bed and tells Spike, "The li'l children di'n't come out to play." She asks if he missed her, and sits up as Angelus says, "I'm sure he did, Dru. After all, you are his destiny." Hee! Dru says that's sweet, tee hee. Angelus and Dru giggle merrily while Spike tenses all his facial muscles.
Angel enters the theater balcony, and sees, at the other end of the room, a little column under a spotlight, on which sits a golden cup. Subtle. He leaps down and slowly ambles in the general direction of the cup. Spicule suddenly drops to the floor behind him, and Angel stops to roll his eyes. They both stare at the cup, because there's no urgency here, and Spicule sighs, "Thought it'd be a little less goldeny. What with the torment and all." Angel asks, "What do we do now?" "You hit him. Hit him, Angel," I say, hardly believing the words coming out of my mouth. Instead, Spicule punches Angel and says, "What do ya think?"
And we go to commercial, while I try to figure out what I want to have happen. I think that this season has suceeded in making me so confused and uncertain that I sympathize with Angel now. That's so weird. Of course, I just got iTunes, and the first dozen songs I downloaded were all Nine Inch Nails and Tears for Fears and The Cure, so maybe I'm just in a mood.
When we return, Spicule's egging Angel into a fight, while Angel tries to point out that they're in a bit of a rush. Oh sure, now you're in a hurry. Spicule says that Angel won't last long, so Angel leaps to his feet and says, "Fine," and punches Spicule. Angel punches Spicule a few more times, which Spicule seems to like, although not like that. Then Spicule hurls Angel across the room onto the stage. Angel lands so that his hand brushes a cross from the old set dressing. He hops up and kicks it off the stage while Spicule giggles. Spicule strolls vaguely toward the cup and tells Angel, "Think you're the big savior, fighting for truth, justice, and soccer moms. But you still can't lay flesh on a cross without smelling like bacon, can you?" Unlike you, Spicule? Angel says the same thing, pretty much, and Spicule looks away and insists that he's different. Angel glares at Spicule, and okay, right there he really does hate Spicule, and it's pretty cool. Spicule says, "You had your soul forced on you as a curse for all the horrible things you've done. But me? I fought for my soul." Angel keeps on quietly hating while Spicule keeps on justifying himself. I think that might be the source of my conflicting feelings, right there. Angel does think that he's "special," but mostly in ways he doesn't like. Spicule is proud of his specialness, and can't stop talking about it. Anybody who's constantly talking about how wonderful he is, isn't. Anyway, Spicule says he got the soul "because [he] knew it was the right thing to do," and leaps up to stand in front of Angel. "It's my destiny!" he insists. Angel can't look quite so hateful now that he's not able to glower down from a great height, so he snips, "Really? Heard it was just to get into a girl's pants." Heh. Spicule kicks up a bit of rebar that just happens to be balanced on his foot somehow, and as he swings, Angel makes this "Look, I can fly!" leap, followed by an "Oh, guess not!" somersault that's pretty cool. He lands five feet from the cup, and promptly goes back into ambling mode as he slowly creeps toward it. Maybe there's a magic thingy around the cup that makes people move slowly. There's a whirrrr-bam as the rebar plunges like a spear into the floor behind Angel. Jeez, Spicule, Angel was moving as slowly as that and you still couldn't hit him? Angel turns like a doofus and looks up as Spike does a slow-mo Highlander zoom through the air while bellowing and waving another rebar around. How odd. Once again, Angel doesn't pick up the cup. Instead, he picks up the rebar and fends Spicule off with it.
Cut to Harmony being wheeled into the lab. Gunn and Fred haggle over the exact percentage of people who have gone nuts until Eve asks if Fred knows what's causing it. Eve, I thought you knew what caused it. Starts with an "H," rhymes with "unhinger." Fred says she hasn't found any common trait among the affected people. Eve starts to say something usless, and Gunn interrupts: "Why are you answering her question, Fred? We don't trust this bitch!" Gunn is leaning down over the counter and, as expected, he looks up to reveal blood-ringed eyes. "She'll kill us all," he adds, before wrapping his hands around Eve's neck and shoving her against a wall. Fred hurries to fill a tranq gun while Gunn strangles Eve and asks, "What's really in there?" Fred hurries to Eve's rescue, and Gunn backhands her while keeping his hold on Eve. And people wonder why I love him. He accuses Eve of being behind everything, and screams at her, "What are you, a monster? Show me!" And then Fred clonks him on the head with a tray, knocking him out. Darn.
Meanwhile, back at the opera house, Spicule and Angel go on fencing with rebars. Spicule gets knocked down briefly, and chuckles that Angel used to hit harder. An exasperated Angel retorts, "No, your head's just gotten thicker." They...you know, fight. I told Wing that I'm kind of bummed that Ace & Sep already used the Itchy & Scratchy theme for a blurb. ["For this recap, in case you want to investigate." -- Wing Chun] It'd fit so well. After a bit, Spicule says, "You're not gonna win this time," which is a bit telling, and conks Angel on the noggin, sending him tumbling down on some boxes to the floor. Angel coughs bloodily as Spicule descends toward him, and for a second I like Spicule again. I'm very conflicted about all of this. Spicule goes over the prophecy again, and how nobody knows which side the prophesied vamp will be on. As he reaches Angel, he says, "Except we already know what side you're on, don't we?" It would be more interesting if Spicule really thought that Angel was deliberately serving evil now, but he mostly seems focused on the fact that Angel's got a lot of shiny cars and benefits. Like, right in his line, when he whines about how Angel "traded in [his] cape and tights for a nice comfy chair at Wolfram and bloody Hart." See, even if he thinks Angel made a bad decision, he just thinks Angel was selfish, which is significantly less interesting than thinking Angel has genuinely stopped trying to good. And it'd be easy for Spicule to think that. But there's no indication that he does. Anyway, he strikes the rebar at Angel's head, and Angel grabs it and says, "It's a little more complicated than that," before doing this move I don't even understand, but it was neat. I think that maybe he twisted the rebar to one side, and then used it as a launching pad to do a backflip onto his feet. Spicule's thrown back, and Angel tosses the rebar away, noting, "You always were a bit simple." And then he goes back to slowly, slowly walking toward the cup as Spicule falls into another flashback. During this scene, Spicule uses the word "bloody" once.
Spike yells, "Don't touch her!" and then we see Angelus shoving him into a wall while Dru watches curiously. Thank you for not showing Angelus and Dru, um, disengaging. Angelus explains that he doesn't care for Spike's tone, and Dru adds, "Don't play such a sad tune. Give us a kiss, then." Spike gasps, "You knew she was mine!" and punches Angelus. Angelus throws Spike to the floor and sighs, "You just don't get it, do ye?" He shoves Spike onto the couch, and then knocks the original residents' bodies out of the way and sits to Spike. Angelus chummily tells Spike, "There's no belonging or deservin' anymore. Take what ye want. Have what ye want. But nutting is yours." "Nutting"? Like a squirrel? Oh, I get it. Dru steps into view, and Angelus adds, "Not even her." Spike quivers and insists, "You're wrong. We're forever, Drusilla and me." Dru clasps her hands to her heart and says, "Are we?" Poor Dru. Then there's some business where Angelus advises "William" to get a new name before walking over to stand behind Dru. As Angelus wraps his hands around her waist, and I marvel at her crazy long neck, he says, "You want her, come and take her." Dru stretches her arms out toward Spike. Spike launches himself at them.
Angel sloooooowly reaches out for the cup, and Spicule tackles him. Jeez, there's ten more minutes of show left? Spicule says, "C'mon hero, tell me more. Teach me what it means." Then he clobbers Angel while insisting, "Every time you look at me, you see all the dirty little things I've done. All the lives I've taken. Because of you! I learned it from you, Dad. I learned it by watching you!" Oh, wait, not that last bit. Anyway, Spicule says that Dru sired him, but that Angel "made [him] a monster." I'm pretty sure that being a demon had something to do with that, moron. Angel falls to the ground and gasps that all he did was "open up the door and let the real [Spicule] out." Angel starts to turn, but is walloped by the large cross Spicule has picked up. Spicule's hands sizzle as he whines, "You never knew the real me. Too busy trying to see your own reflection." Okay, Spicule, so now you're hurt that Angel wasn't a good vampire daddy to you? Blah, and blah, and Spicule finishes, "Take a long look, hero. I'm nothing like you." You're certainly more talkative. Jeez. Angel stares at Spicule and says, "You're less. That's why Buffy never really loved you. Because you weren't me." Well, heh, and yet, yawn. Spicule hauls Angel up by his lapels and asks if Buffy was thinking of Angel "all those times [he] was puttin' it to her." I wish Angel's response here was, "I so don't care what, if anything, Buffy thinks about these days," but instead he grabs Spicule's wrists and pulls them away from his coat, and then punches Spicule. Spicule is knocked into a pile of rubble, and grabs a piece of wood before Angel starts punching him again. Spicule stakes Angel in the arm, finally causing Angel to vamp out and grunt, "Let's finish this." Lordy yes, please. Spicule vamps out as well, and we go to commercial.
Eve chokes down a glass of water as Fred reassures her that she'll be okay. Eve whines, "You don't have to pretend to care," and says she knows what the MoG think of her. Fred says that Gunn was affected by the spell, and Eve starts to stomp off, and yes, Fred, you don't trust her, or you shouldn't and you also shouldn't care if her widdle feewings are hurt. Idiot. Eve turns in the doorway and says, "I'm not the bad guy," before exiting. Fred's eyes are enormous. They must have someone new doing makeup now, because all the girls look a little bit different.
Spicule and Angel are still fighting, but now with exciting music, because it's nearly the end of the episode. If either of them had any brains, they'd edge toward the cup and grab it. But, of course, they don't. The stake Angel yanked out of his arm goes flying through the air in a bit of vamp-fu, and Spicule knocks Angel down and catches it. He leans over Angel, hesitates a moment, and then stabs. Angel yelps. Spicule stands up. The non-suspense is ended when we learn that, no, the title character wasn't just dusted without so much as some cool effects. Instead, the stake goes through Angel's shoulder. They both devamp as Spicule explains, "Probably should have dusted you, but honestly, I don't wanna hear her bitch about it." Spicule walks toward the stupid cup while Angel pulls out the stake. And then Angel runs up behind Spicule and stakes him, because he doesn't care if Buffy complains. No. But I wish. Instead, Spicule actually manages to make his way through the slo-time envelope and pick up the cup. Angel gasps for Spicule to wait and says, "It's not a prize you're holding. It's not a trophy. It's a burden. It's a cross." Oh, that's not gonna help; Spicule loooooves crosses. Angel hauls himself to his feet and adds, "One you're gonna have to bear 'till it burns you to ashes." Win-win. Spicule puts the cup down and looks at Angel, who urges, "Ask yourself, is this really the destiny that was meant for you? You even really want it? Or is it that you just want to take something away from me?" Spicule ponders that, and finally shrugs, "Bit of both," and sips from the cup. Angel tries to hurry forward, and then watches as Spicule lets the cup fall to the floor. Spicule gasps, "It's...Mountain Dew." Angel and Spicule stare at each other for a bit. So they wrestled for a vessel with the brew that is Dew? Fair enough.
Blipvert of sunrise, and a bloody and rumpled Angel returns to Wolfram & Hart. He enters the lab, and Fred rushes forward and asks what happened. Angel mutters, "I fell. Down some stairs. Big stairs." Heh. He steps forward to look at Gunn on a gurney while Fred says that they've tried everything, but nothing stopped the wackiness. It would have been kind of nice if we'd seen them trying anything. I think they could have cut a few minutes from Angel and Spicule's grand slam without anyone's noticing. Angel explains that the whole thing with the cup was fake. Spicule joins the conference to announce that Rutherford Sirk has left the building. Darn. Fred takes in Spike's own cuts and bloodstains and says, "Stairs, huh?" Well, what did she expect? Angel wonders what they're going to do about all the people going crazy. From his gurney, Gunn gasps, "I say we start by untying the brother." to him, Harmony awakens just as abruptly and looks at the straps holding her down before asking, "Am I in trouble?" Heh. Fred unfastens Gunn as he asks what happened.
Cut to the conference room. Eve tells the MoG that the Senior Partners have managed "temporarily [to] stabilize the universal equilibrium." Well, yay them. Angel asks how long that'll last, and what the deal is with Rutherford and the story about the cup. Eve avoids the first question and says that the Senior Partners are just as vexed as Angel is about the wild goose chase. Eve says that they'll track down Rutherford and "find out who put him up to it." Why is she so sure Rutherford was working for someone else? Yes, I know, but why aren't they asking that? Eve gets up and says, "I need to go home and ice my neck." Gunn asks her to wait, and starts to apologizing awkwardly. Eve waves that off and tells Gunn that they still have to resolve the Shanshu prophecy. Angel and Spicule glance at each other suspicously. Heh. Eve exits, and Spicule announces that he needs to catch up on his drinking. Where's he going to go? Has he noticed it's broad daylight? He invites Gunn along, but Gunn moans that his head still hurts. Exit Spicule. Angel suggests that Gunn should have Fred check him out, because she's a physicist and that starts with the same letters as "physician." Gunn sighs, "Naw, she'll just wanna strap me down again." Honey, so do I. Gunn asks Angel if he's okay. Angel broods, and finally says, "He beat me to the cup." Gunn points out that the cup was a fake, but Angel says that's not the point. He slowly gets the words out: "In the end, [Spicule] was stronger. He wanted it more." Gunn says that doesn't mean anything, but Angel asks, "What if it means I'm not the one?" Well, on the bright side, that might keep you grumpy enough for your soul to stay put for another century.
Cut to Eve, entering a bedroom decorated with a lot of mysterious symbols. Like, on the walls, the doorframes, the door itself. That's eclectic. She undresses while delivering a monologue. Aw, they're making the expositional strip tease into an actual strip tease; that's cute. Because it seems like we might learn something here, but really, we're just gonna wind up anxious and dissatisfied. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I just find it funny. Eve says, "They totally fell for the cup of torment thing, just like you thought they would." She adds that Rutherford has safely escaped, and that the MoG are on red alert. As her underwear falls to the floor, she says, "[Spicule] didn't kill Angel, but they did beat each other to bloody pulps." We watch her legs move toward the bed, and as she slips under the covers, her bony thighs freak me out. Yikes. Your thighs shouldn't be the same width as your calves if you're past puberty. Anyway, she gets into bed, and we finally see that she's been talking to Lindsey. Who is also covered with mystic markings of some kind. And he's got an earring. Oh, maybe he became a pirate while he was gone! Yarr. Eve snuggles up, and Lindsey kisses her temple before commenting, "Well. It's a start." Hi, Lindsey. I didn't really miss you, but your reappearance definitely made me giggle. Also, this might explain Eve's casting (and it sure would be nice if something did), because it's probably hard to find an actress who can make Lindsey look as gigantic as he does to her. Oh yes, the grand total is: eight uses of "bloody" plus one "bleeding," none of which were literally describing something covered with blood. Note to Mutant Enemy: knock it off!