Previously on Angel, Angel's kid was prophesied, because it'd be just awful if anything important ever happened to Angel that somebody hadn't predicted. Wolfram & Hart, along with various demon hordes, explored the kidnapping career path. Cordy turned part-demon to handle the visions, and without even one joke about how that wasn't much of a stretch for her. Where's Xander when you need him? Oh, and Holtz adopted an Anti-Slayer to help fill his time.
We open on a close-up shot of Angel putting pennies in a piggy bank. Anybody out there think that Angel just happened to have a piggy bank? So he bought it, right? He bought a piggy bank. To help him to save money. And that's the start and end of my search for sense here. Cordy holds the baby as Angel carries the bank across the room and puts it in the safe. Angel tells Fred that he found $1.83 in the couch cushions. Then he looks over her shoulder to view the website she's designing for Angel Investigations. On her laptop. Just in case we've forgotten that they have, in the course of three years, possessed thousands of dollars worth of iMacs and flatscreens and laptops. Sorry. I know that I said I wasn't expecting sense. But I wasn't expecting them to draw attention to the blatant nonsense. By, for instance, having Fred -- who has literally lived a cave for the past five years -- design a website. I think this is going to be more difficult than I expected.
As if we weren't already being treated like gibbering morons, we're given the first of several baby-cam shots. Cordy leans over into the camera and coos how cute she thinks the baby is. Angel pops up over her shoulder and wheezes, "How's my widdle maaaan?" Suddenly I'm more terrified than I've ever been by the monsters on this show. Cordy and Angel have a passive-aggressive conversation, ostensibly directed at the brat, to the effect that Angel hasn't been attending to his fatherly duties. I don't know whether you've picked up on it yet, but Angel is pretty focused on raising funds for the kid. Cordy notes that she's managed to feed herself, which is just bizarre, because does she mean to imply that the baby should go earn a paycheck? I don't understand. And she's "fed herself" by sponging off Angel, so I don't see why the kid can't do the same thing. Cordy finally puts the baby down and stops talking to the camera. She tells Angel that she doesn't want him to "lose sight of the mission." Angel promises that he won't neglect any messages from The Powers That Be.
The camera moves into the office, where Gunn is talking to a young blonde who...you'll never guess this one. She's being stalked! Probably by a stylist who wants to fix that freaky feathered bob she's got going. The girl explains that her ex-boyfriend, Brian, has been harassing her, and that the cops won't help. Gunn sympathizes, "You go to the cops for help, they don't do a thing till somebody ends up dead." The girl explains that, actually, Brian is dead.
Wesley has learned from Fred that everyone's impressed by your intelligence if you talk nonsense. So he, with the help of Cary's translation, tells the chrome demons that he's currently working on an article which "posits a formula for the genome mapping of creatures who don't have genes." Wesley goes on to say that it's "an exciting arena." Cary snarks, "One I'm sure we can all download at I'll-never-know- the-love-of-a- woman-dot-com." Not until the peer review is complete. Cary says that the demons want to buy Wesley's head. After some more clicking with the Castanetoids, he explains that they want Wesley to help solve a "traditional puzzle" in honor of their prince's birthday. The audience isn't fooled. But Wesley is. Fred pops up to point out that the designs on the demon's outfits are puzzles. She claims that the shapes on their tunics represent prime numbers and blah blee "exponential accumulation" gibberish. Wesley realizes that her observations have no relationship to reality, so he just smirks wearily at Fred. The Castanetoids click at each other and suddenly rush away. Cary says, "They either have to consult with their prince or go eat a cheese monkey." Mmm, cheese monkey. Gunn pops out of the office and asks for Wesley's help. Angel hangs up the phone, hands the baby over to Cordelia, instructs her that the baby needs to be fed, and hurries out before she can throw something at him. Like an axe. Or a blipvert.
Time to change channels again. I seem to have found a gritty detective show. I didn't think anyone made those these days. Angel enters a badly lit office and finds a man finishing up a business deal on the phone. The call ends, and the man introduces himself as Harlan Ellster. Harlan notes that Angel is "well-coiffed," and asks if he minds getting "a little mussed." I like this guy. But I don't like his sideburns. He looks familiar, and I've decided that he resembles a young George Clooney, if you stretched his head sideways so it was wider. Or maybe I'm just insane. Harlan says that there's a nest of vampires in an abandoned building. What's more, these vampires aren't out for blood -- he claims that they've been demanding extortion money: "We pay them a protection fee, and they don't eat our employees." Angel finds this plausible, because he knows that vampires often have a need -- or in fact use -- for money. Maybe he's just prepared to accept the story because Harlan offers to pay him $10,000 to take care of the vamps -- half now, half later. Angel tries to contain his glee as he takes the check and leaves. He gets out just in time to avoid seeing a man enter the office from the other door. Which is lucky, since if he'd lingered a second longer, the whole episode would have been ruined. The new guy says, "What the hell are you doing in my office?" The client formerly known as Harlan exclaims, "Mr. Ellster!" and then decks him.
During the commercial break, I go channel-surfing, hoping to run across that creepy Twilight Zone slayer show. Found it! Cool. Justine is still pinned to the table when Holtz returns. He sits down and leans over so that he, like Justine, has his head resting on the table. I guess it's nap time. Later they'll get juice and saltines. Holtz puts a hand on the icepick (or whatever) as he explains, "I want you to go out and find others like you. People who have suffered as we have." He says she'll be able to recognize such people because "their eyes will look like this feels," and then he pulls out the icepick. Justine screams, and after a minute she wraps her wounded hand in the hanky Holtz offers. And then she punches him. Heh.
Sam is trying to keep the door shut so that the vampires can't enter the room. Angel is sulking in a corner because Sam can't pay him. Angel reluctantly helps block the door as he admits that Sam's motives were noble, and adds, "It's not as if I haven't been accused of nobility myself once or twice." No fear of that happening after this episode. Angel wonders if they can work something out, and asks if Sam owns a car, or a house, or a credit card. Alas, Sam's pretty well tapped out. Again, I have mixed feelings, because I can appreciate how the money-grubbing jerkitude leaves what was admirable about Angel in smoldering ruins. On the other hand, totally removed from context, this scene entertains me. I like the hero who doesn't actually want to be heroic. I'd watch a show about someone like that. But that's not what this show's about.
Fred solves the puzzle! Turns out the blocks had to be piled into a pyramid. Boy, nobody could have figured that out but Fred. To be fair, maybe the demons aren't very bright, either. By their standards, putting blocks together might signify genius. Let's not be speciesist. The demons excitedly lead Fred away from the puzzle -- to her doom! I hope. Just as Fred starts wondering where Cary is, her question is answered. Cary is tied up and lying on the floor near the dying demon's chair. Fred is quickly placed in another chair and tied down. Fred worries, "I don't have to marry him, do I?" Interesting guess, but save that for another episode. Cary explains to Fred what's going on, but we already know, and knew from the first time we saw them, so let's move on to the part where Cordelia enters. Carrying the baby. I guess that's okay; she couldn't leave it at home, right? I don't know. Cordy asks Cary to explain that there's been a misunderstanding; she's returning the money, but the demons will have to release Fred and Cary. Cary talks to the demons, who don't seem pleased. Then Cary explains, "I told them what they had to do, and told them what would happen if they didn't do it!" It turns out that Cary's assumed that Gunn, Wesley, and Angel are nearby, ready to attack. Cordy kicks Cary in the shins and points out that he could have confirmed that with her first, since the demons wouldn't understand what they were saying. Okay, she doesn't, but I would have. Pack of morons, all of them.
Angel leaves the doorway and smashes a window, preparing to help Sam escape. Sam refuses: "These things killed Jack. If I run now, I'll be running [for] the rest of my life." Angel asks if that's what Jack would want, and Sam says, "No, I think Jack would want to be here with me. But that's never gonna happen." Aw. Angel finally shoves Sam away from the door and lectures him about economics while dispatching the vampires. Vamps turn to dust as Angel shouts, "Rent, three phone lines, advertising -- it adds up!" His work done, he tosses the watch to Sam and storms out. Again, this totally wrecks Angel's character, but grumpy lectures are still better than quips. Sam shouts after him, "I owe you! You're a real...champion." From down the hall, Angel grumbles, "Yeah, whatever." Sam hit that "owe" with almost as much force as the anvil that hit my brain at the same moment. We hear Angel saying, "Hello? Hello?" Sam helpfully explains, "I think that's your voice mail." Maybe Sam could repay his debt to Angel by teaching him how to work the phone.
El Debarge. Cordy confirms that the demons have groins, and then kicks one experimentally. There's a metallic clang, and Cordy hops backwards groaning, "Ow, ow, oo." She ends up hopping out of the room through the curtains, and is immediately propelled back in by the arrival of Wesley and Gunn. That wasn't bad. Wesley and Gunn immediately start fu-ing all over the place. Cordy watches helplessly instead of untying Cary, or helping Fred, or joining the fight, because she's carrying the stupid baby. Fred screams as a sword approaches her neck, and the boys leap to the rescue. They hurl a sword and the briefcase of money across the room, which kill one demon and knock off the Prince's head, respectively. The demons stop for a moment and take in the scene. And then the battle resumes. Wesley and Gunn are both knocked down, and that's when Angel crashes through the skylight. Which they have. On the barge. Fine. Head-knocking, chest-walking, and the battle is won.
Angel takes the baby from Cordy as he apologizes for ignoring her opinions and leaving her alone. Fred is released from the chair, and tells Gunn and Wesley, "I could kiss you both." We get it, okay? It is gotten. We've signed the receipt, we've registered our serial numbers with the manufacturer, we have it, it's ours, and did I mention that we never wanted it to begin with? In fact, I think I may head over to the mall after the show to see if I can exchange it. So quit it, is my point. Cary moans from the floor, and Fred hurries to untie him. Cary tells her, "My hands are turning pink!" Heh. Angel stares at the money spilling out of the briefcase and lectures his employees, "Money's important, but it isn't everything." Let me write that down. After a heartwarming moment, Cordy points out, "They tried to cut Fred's head off. And I stopped them! Why did I do that? What's wrong with me?" Oops, sorry. She just suggests that they earned the $50,000. Angel quickly hands the baby back to Cordy so that he can join everyone else in stuffing wads of bills into their pockets. It seems as if just putting it back into the briefcase would be easier.
Cordy, the baby, and Angel are lying together in Angel's bed. Cordy's holding up a bottle for the kid while Angel drifts off, content to let the womenfolk handle the child-care duties. They're arguing about the money, albeit in slow, sleepy voices. Cordy wants a boat. Angel wants a college fund for the brat. Cordy gives up and suggests, "College fund, pay our bills, and a ski condo in Aspen." She insists, "We need some fun in our lives." Have you tried watching television? Wait, never mind. Angel sleepily admits he'd like a ski condo. Cordy says, "Snow...trees...chipmunk robots on ice." I haven't a clue. Maybe she's remembering something from the alternate universe. Johanna thinks that maybe chipmunk robots on ice are one of those upper-class indulgences that go along with private yachts and ski condos. So, is the $50,000 going to solve all their money problems for the time being, which means that suddenly nobody will call or visit their website anymore? I'm just asking so that I know what the premise of the show will be time I watch. I already know it's hopeless to guess who the characters will be.