Waiting in the Wings

Previously on Angel...Hey! No previouslys? They're throwing off my rhythm here. Maybe it's a simple acknowledgement that previously on Angel, nothing interesting happened.

We open with Wesley dreamily staring at an opened book. Specifically, at a drawing of a demon. "Have you ever seen anything lovelier?" he asks. "So graceful, so full of life?" Cordy leans over his shoulder and adds, "Plus, six breasts." Wesley's talking about Fred, of course, while Cordy is talking about the demon, who turns out to be "Sorialus, the Ravager." According to Cordy's visions, Sorialus will be turning up in about a month to attack the humans who killed her mate. A month? The Powers That Be must have upgraded their connection; they're usually big on the last-minute warnings. Cordy's got a Victoria Principal hairstyle happening this week, and I keep expecting her to suddenly turn to the camera and start hawking lotion. She asks if Wesley plans to ask Fred out. Wesley says, "I'll make my move when the iron is hot." I can't decide if it's clever characterization to imply that Wesley can't even use violent words like "strike," or if it's the opposite of clever. The latter seems more likely when Cordy refers to Wesley as "Johnny Reb." Yeah, I don't understand either. Let's skip ahead to when Wesley asks Cordy if it's boring to listen to him blather on about Fred. I miss old Cordy, who would have said, "Yes." New Cordy daintily avoids the question by saying, "There was a time when you thought I was the loveliest thing in the world." Wesley stammers some more, and Cordy says she just likes the occasional compliment. Cordy describes herself as formerly "the ditziest bitch in Sunnydale." Ditzy? Uh, no. She's confusing herself with Harmony, I think. Or, possibly, Willow. She sighs, "Now I'm all superheroey and the best action I can get is an invisible ghost who's good with the loofah." Wesley pretends not to hear that last bit, and I wish I could, too.

Angel suddenly appears and asks, "Who's doing what with a loofah?" Yikes! Wesley covers: "Loo...fah... noocth...skma... It's a demon." Angel doesn't worry about it any further than that, because demons? Piffle. He's busy trying to get someone to ask him why he's smiling. Cordy obliges, and Angel pulls tickets out of his pocket and announces, "We are stepping out."

Look, it's Gunn! Strolling into the courtyard cheerfully. Being all tall and everything. Unfortunately there's something blocking my view of him a little bit; what the heck is that? Oh. Sigh. Hi, Fred. Apparently they're coming back from breakfast, and Gunn is teasing Fred about how much food she scarfed down. He makes fun of her "stick-figure body" but then consoles her, "You know you're gorgeous." Fred appears to be taken aback by that as they step inside.

Gunn spots Angel and hurries over to ask if he got the tickets, while Wesley calls Fred over to look at his demon pornography. Angel starts to explain something, and of course Gunn interrupts because that way there's comedy. Gunn insists that he'll pay Angel back, and happily declares, "Mata Hari is the tightest band in L.A. -- you guys are gonna be trippin' out." He grabs the tickets and finally realizes they're for the Blinnikov World Ballet Corps. Angel explains that when he got to what I guess was an all-night ticket counter, he saw that the ballet was performing for one night only. Angel enthuses about how fabulous the company is, adding, "They're doing Giselle, their signature piece." Gunn moans that "this is like some horrible dream." Wesley pipes up to announce that he's heard of the company, and that they're "very ahead of their time." That's foreshadowing, you know. Angel gibbers, "I saw their production of Giselle in 1890. I cried like a baby. And I was evil!" Heh. Gunn refuses to buy into the hype, and tells Angel, "I will never trust you again. The trust is gone." Cordy tells him to get over it, and asks if they should dress up. Johanna thinks that it's nice that they've acknowledged that Gunn's trust changes with the wind. Angel won't shut up about the ballet, and tells Gunn, "These guys are tight, and you're gonna be trippin' out." Ew. Gunn replies, "Don't be using my own phrases when we've lost the trust." Funny, but I can't decide if a running gag is really worth more Angel goofiness. On the other hand, I do love a running gag. It's a toss-up. As they all head out to work on some cases that aren't important enough to hear about, Gunn repeats, "This is like a nightmare."

And now we're...somewhere else. I guess it's backstage at the ballet. The theater director (or something) tells a Chris Sarandon impersonator that all of L.A. is "buzzing" about having the Blinnikov in town. Although if it's that big a deal, you have to wonder how Angel got tickets the day of the performance. I-Can't-Believe- It's-Not-Sarandon is wearing a black suit and a shiny silver tie, the better to contrast with the gigantic, shiny, red tie-tack that he pulled out of a cereal box. If this were MTV, the hip squiggly font would appear, saying "Important!" with an arrow pointing at the tie-tack. ICBINS decides that we might not realize that he's the bad guy yet, so he ominously intones, in a Lugosian accent, "It vill be the performance....of a lifetime. Muah ha ha ha!" Well, he doesn't laugh, but he might as well have. Above him, a mysterious figure giggles eerily. So, I take it this is gonna be The Five Stooges meet The Phantom of the Paradise? Just so we're clear. Credits, please.

Cordelia and Fred are shopping for gowns, and Cordy helpfully expositions that the boys are out renting tuxedos. Fred worries how they'll pay for the dresses, and Cordy proclaims that they'll return them tomorrow: "It's all about hiding the tags while it's on." Why didn't Winona Ryder think of that? Although maybe Cordy shouldn't announce her plan quite so loudly in that small boutique. Fred admits that she's excited about the ballet, and overshares: "My family used to go to The Nutcracker every Christmas, and I had my first sexual dream about the Mouse King." Cordy raises her eyebrows into sharp little points at that, which is unfortunate, since years of making that face have given her brow-muscles that could raise the Titanic if you could somehow attach cables to them. Cordy turns to look at more dresses, and Fred chirps, "Can I ask you something?" Cordy smoothly replies, "I think you guys are perfect for each other." Fred gets over her astonishment at Cordy's mind-reading, and starts enthusing about how wonderful Gunn is, only without ever saying his name. Yes sir, it's time for a wacky conversation at cross-purposes. It's called that because the purpose is to make me cross. Cordy assures Fred that "he" feels the same way about her, and adds, "[If] we find the right outfit for tonight, there may be actual feeling." Eek. Cordy returns to the vigorous shopping. Fred hurries over and giggles, "And then we have to find a dress for you -- something that will make Angel crazy." Cordy brushes that off by noting, "Angel is crazy." Fred says that Angel will want to look his best for Cordy. Cordy gets the C-word in by sniffing, "That's right, the world's champion is going to spend all day worrying about his outfit."

Do I even have to say that we cut to Angel, worrying about how he looks? Didn't think so. Plus, Cordy should know how much effort Angel puts into his appearance by now, so that didn't even make sense. Anyway, in Angel's apartment, Cary is helping clean up baby-goo from the back of Angel's tuxedo jacket. Cary natters that Angel crooned the kid to sleep with a lullaby, and then says, "I read you while you were singing, you big corn muffin." Cary says that Angel is harboring some feelings for Cordelia. Er. Well it's nice that we've gone back to the idea that Cary reads people when they sing, but now he's reading their feelings instead of their destinies. Ah well, one step at a time. Angel insists that Cary got it wrong. Cary calls Angel "my little strudel," and starts in on the kye-rumption connection: "You can't fight kye-rumption, cinnamon buns; it's fate." About this time, I was wondering if Cary was hungry. Angel finally interrupts, "Stop saying [kye-rumption]! And stop calling me pastries." Heh. Oh, grumpy Angel, come back. We miss you, with your brooding and your glowering and your angst and, above all, your not being attracted to Cordelia. Cary won't let it go, saying that Angel is "a man of many limitations," which I'd have to agree with. Except that he's not a man, he's a vampire. Cary says he'd go after Cordy if he thought he had a shot (and if she was a guy), works "champion" into another sentence, and adds, "We all know you've got a thing for ex-cheerleaders." No, he has a thing for blondes, but that doesn't mesh with the story that's being crammed down our throats, does it? Angel frets that he has nothing to offer Cordy, and Cary is sorta vague about disagreeing with that, but he insists that Angel should give it a try. Angel tries to explain why he really, really shouldn't, but is cut off when Cordy herself appears at the door.

Cordy's all dressed up in a curve-hugging black number and I don't know who convinced her to take one of Princess Leia's old hairbuns and stick on top of her head. Wait, I bet it was Fred. It makes sense now. Apart from that, though, she looks great. Angel and Cary go gaga in appreciation. She walks over and straightens Angel's tie, if you know what I mean, as she says, "Tonight, I've decided, we don't have to be our incredibly dreary selves. Tonight we're just a couple of young sophisticates enjoying an evening of classical dance." Angel's down with that.

Downstairs in the lobby, Fred is waiting for Gunn to come out. Gunn insists that she promise not to laugh, which she does. Gunn steps out of the office. He looks fine. I dunno, I was looking forward to seeing the guys in tuxes, and it didn't meet my expectations for some reason. I'm not sure if the clothes could have been fitted better, or if the actors weren't comfortable wearing them. Which would suit the characters, so it's not that big a deal, but I was a bit underwhelmed. Fred, however, is not; she stares at Gunn wide-eyed, and then starts giggling. Gunn complains, "This is what your promises are worth? I'm having a lot of trust issues in this time in my life." Fred apologizes and explains, "You're just so pretty." Gunn, mollified, admits, "There's not a lot of people who can say that to me and live, but the way you look -- there's no way I can fight you." Fred, by the way, looks spectacular in a red velvet strapless gown. Although maybe she should have borrowed a necklace from Cordelia. But then, I'm sitting here in sweatpants and a t-shirt, so my advice might not be worth much. Wesley pops up out of nowhere to place Fred's wrap on her shoulders, and he and Gunn both gaze adoringly at Fred. Cordy and Angel descend the stairs, and Wesley repeats his shawl-draping performance with Cordelia. Where is he getting all of these wraps? Were they in his pocket? Cordy takes this opportunity to whisper to Wesley, "The iron is hot."

Fred gawks at the fancy theater, and the MoG take their seats. Angel apologizes for how far back their seats are, and mutters, "Back in the day, I'd always get box seats. Or I'd just eat the people who had 'em." Cordy replies, "Don't let's reminisce." The curtain rises, the music starts, and the ballet commences. Over in one of the box seats, we see ICBINS's tie-tack, in case we didn't spot it before, and then the camera moves up so we can see ICBINS himself. Ballet occurs. Cut to Cordy, who has fallen asleep and is snoring. Angel nudges her so that she pulls herself upright. Wesley looks over at Fred, who stares at the stage. Gunn is leaning forward, smiling as he watches. You know what's less interesting than watching a ballet? Watching people watch ballet. Oh thank goodness, it's time for the intermission.

Gunn tells the others, "These guys are tight, and I am trippin' out." Okay, let's retire that joke, shall we? Wesley asks Angel if the choreography has changed since the last performance he saw. Angel says no, but he's not happy about it: "These are the same dancers I saw before." He wonders how they can be watching dancers who should be dead by now. Cordy says, "Well, it's a puzzler. Are there snacks?" I could go for a snack right now.

After the commercials, Wesley wonders if the dancers could be vampires. Gunn says that would explain their athletic abilities, and as he starts to get overly enthusiastic about the performance, he catches himself and insists, "I was cool before I met y'all." Angel insists that he'd have sensed it if the corps was made up of vampires, and offers to look around backstage during the second act. Cordy says she'll go along with Angel, since the performance hasn't exactly enthralled her. Wesley makes a crack about her snoring, and she and Angel head off while the others go back to their seats.

Hey! I just figured it out. To properly appreciate the randomness here, you should know that since writing that last paragraph, I went to bed and was hoping to fall asleep when this revelation hit me. Oh, and you should also know that I have a cold, so I'm doped up on medication, and maybe what I'm about to say isn't going to seem as important to you as it does to me at this rather groggy moment, but I just want to let you know: vests. For proper James Bond coolitude in a tuxedo, you need to be wearing a vest. That's why seeing the boys in formal wear didn't have the expected impact on me. Okay, just wanted to share that sartorial insight. Can I go to sleep now?

Angel and Cordy spy a portly security guard in their way. Cordy offers to "make with the nice-nice" in order to distract the guard. Angel is skeptical: "Don't be stupid. [If] I'm that guy, and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen is making eyes at me, it's either a bachelor party or a scam." Of course then Cordy has to ask what he just called her, and Angel apologizes for saying she's stupid, but that's not the part she was curious about, and I'm calling PeTA about the horse carcass they're clubbing. Angel offers to "go with [his] patented sudden burst of violence." Heh. Cordy suggests that they try something more subtle.

Cut to Cordy perkily asking the guard, "Say, do you like bribes?" Guard: "Do I ever!" Heh. I'd never deny that Whedon can write amusing dialogue. Cordy offers the guard a bill in exchange for getting backstage. The guard observes that it's not so much a bribe as a tip, and as he starts to refuse, Angel punches him. The guard falls unconscious, and they go backstage. Once through the door, Cordy stares down the hall and asks, "You saw the building when we drove by; do you remember it going on forever?" The hallway does extend out of sight, but I'm not exactly thinking, "No normal human beings could build a hallway that long." Angel says, "It's clearly a spell or a time-flux or something." Oh, clearly. Especially the "time-flux" part. Altering time would, naturally, make the building bigger. Incidentally, if you're about to start arguing about how bending time would also distort space, I'd like to point out that you don't need to. I already said, "Clearly." It's not my fault if you read it as sarcasm. On the other hand, if you'd like to try convincing me that Angel knew there was a time-flux because of his vast knowledge of post-Einsteinian physics, go for it, because I could use a giggle. They decide to turn back and tell the others that there's a mystery afoot, but the door they passed through has been replaced by another neverending hallway.

Speaking of feet, the ballet? Still happening. Wesley, Fred, and Gunn watch the dancers. Sarandon watches the dancers. The dancer performs un stretchy de leg.

Angel and Cordy step through a door, and Angel announces, "This is her dressing room." Cordy clarifies, "The prima ballerina." Were they looking for it, for some reason? Angel says that the room hasn't changed. So the last time he saw the ballet he also went backstage, and that's when he was evil, so, um, shouldn't the ballerina be dead? Cordy sits down at the dressing table, picks up a tiny necklace with a cross pendant, and announces, "She would wait for him here." Angel says that it's warm, and that "something happened here." I'm gonna try to get through this part as quickly as possible, if you don't mind. Cordy stands up and says those words we've been dreading: "Angel? I want you to undress me." Angel is confused. Cordy whispers, "It's just another costume, I want you to see who I really am. You're the only one who can." Angel stammers that someone is making them act this out, and Cordy recovers suddenly. She wonders if she actually just asked Angel to undress her. Suddenly Angel steps forward, vaguely evil, and asks, "Is that what you want? You want me to make love to you right here?" Oh, ugh, no, no, I don't. Please stop. They whisper sour nothings to each other, establishing that Cordy is afraid "he" will find them, and that Angel isn't. Cordy presses her nose into Angel's cheek and hisses, "I'm only alive when you're inside me." I'd also never deny that Whedon can write some gut-wrenchingly terrible dialogue. And isn't that a Stabbing Westward lyric? They kiss, and thank goodness there's a commercial break so I can make a quick list of reasons to go on living.

To further cleanse our mental palates, after the ads we return to the ballet. The ballerina is assisted in du spinny en un foot with des expansive gestures de arm. I took ballet once. About twenty years ago. You can see I remember it all quite well.

Cordy and Angel are still making des kissie faces, and Cordy somehow manages to slide her fingers through a gap in Angel's hair gel. The necklace has become wound around her hand, and there's a sizzle as the cross touches his head. Hee. Angel jerks away, and they're back to themselves for a moment. Cordy observes, "We so need to be out of here!" Angel agrees, but they start pawing at each other as they slowly move toward the door. It looks like a really clumsy tango. They're also panting and wrapping their arms around each other and please, please, hurry out of there! Cordy says, "Open the damn door!" Angel loops his arms around her and whines, "It's kinda hard." We aren't going there, are we? Cordy responds, "I kinda noticed." We are, then. Thanks. Cordy finally pulls the door open, and they stumble out into the hall. Phew.

Outside, Cordy says, "Whoa," and Angel says, "That's a fair assessment." Which is kind of funny, although it doesn't sound like something Angel would say. I think he's doing Xander again. Since Wesley isn't handy, Angel has to explain, "Spirits in there. Energy, trapped in time. It took us over." Every time I try to make sense of how they can be possessed by the ghosts of people who are still alive, I get a headache. Granted, they don't ever quite say "ghosts," but "spirits" is pretty close. Cordy says, "It's a good thing it wears off right away," and chuckles. Angel looks down and quickly pulls off his jacket and holds it in front of him. Oh merciful Zeus. Yeah, he definitely needs a vest.

Cut to the Hyperion. Cary is putting the baby in its crib. You may have noticed that I don't call the kid by name. That's because I learned that when you give something a name, you get attached to it, and then you're sad when it dies a horrible bone-crushing death. Wouldn't want that. The sadness, I mean. The kid is wearing a onesie and a hat, which might be black, although they might just be a dark navy blue. Either way, it's still amusing. Speaking of amusing, Cary's singing a lullaby that goes like this: "Go to sleep, lullaby,/ You've been fed and you're sleepy,/ You'll be with Uncle Lorne,/ Who in no way resents not being asked to go to the ballet!/ And he's certainly not thinking/ of selling you to the first vampire cult that makes him a decent offer..." Heh. Downstairs, the camera lurks in the lobby and begins moving up the stairs. Point-of-view shots just scream "anti-climax," don't they? Cary hears a noise and decides to investigate. He picks up an axe from where it rests against the nightstand. The rubber duck is still on the nightstand, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's Angel's, not the baby's. It's his security duck, Mister Quackers. Leave me alone, I'm making my own fun. Cary advances toward the door, axe in hand. The door is pushed open, and we see Cary say, "Oh my God." This is definitely going to be anti-climactic. I only hope we can say the same of Angel and Cordelia.

Who are wandering through the labyrinth of hallways under the theater, searching for an exit. Cordy stops and frets because she thinks she said something important back in the Room d' Dialogue Gross. She asks if Angel remembers what she said, and he nervously offers, "Um, you're only alive when I'm..." "Not that!" Cordy and I chorus. They recall that Cordy was afraid of being discovered, and deduce that the ballerina had a secret lover. Cordy figures that whoever the ballerina was afraid of is the cause of their current predicament. She insists that they have to go back into the room in order to find out what happened. Angel says, "I'm marveling at the wrongness of that idea." He's definitely being written as early Xander. Which is okay, since Xander is being written as Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel now. Cordy says that the only other option is that they "wander around backstage like Spinal Tap for the ...ever." She says they'll just "get in, get out, no one gets happy." There's a joke that's begging to be made here, but I'll just observe that it sounds like possession interruptus and move on. Angel works in a Buffy reference for fans by saying, "Look, I've been possessed by the spirits of old lovers before; it never goes well." No, it doesn't, plus it usually involves a lot of senseless anvil-related deaths among the audience. Cordy says that she's got the cross "if things get out of hand." Dude, she totally stole that! Cordy's got a thing for stealing necklaces. Johanna asks me where exactly Cordy's going to put the cross to prevent Bad Things from happening, which makes me choke. Angel is still uncomfortable with the plan (and speaking of uncomfortable, he has put his jacket back on), and says, "Kissing you, it's...it's not something I can just...." Cordy sneers, "It's not that horrible." She turns and walks away sniffing, "Up to his ass in demon-gore, fine. But ask him to mack on a hottie and he wigs. My champion, ladies and gentlemen." Stop with the high-school slang, or stop with the C-word. I can barely cope with them individually, but combined it's way too much.

Oh, look. Ballet. The ballerina dances un tippie-toes. Wesley and Gunn both simultaneously start to reach out to hold Fred's hand. Ugh. It's a very short scene, but it seems to go on forever because of the clichéd dumbness. Before the boys actually brush hands, Fred suddenly jerks forward and declares that Angel and Cordy haven't returned yet. Well, maybe that's because you don't seat people in the middle of the performance. Especially when their seats are in the middle of a row. All three of them start to get up, blocking the view of the people behind them. See? That's why they frown on latecomers. And early-leavers, if that was a word. Gunn's sad that they'll miss the end. Because the humor of the street kid liking the high-brow stuff? Not tired of that at all.

Cordy and Angel are standing around in the ballerina's dressing room, waiting for possession to strike. Cordy suggests that they jump-start things themselves. They deadpan their earlier lines, and suddenly, for a brief moment, I like them again. Without any emotion at all, Cordy blurts, "I want you, undress me." In bored tones, Angel replies, "You want me to have sex, now, with you, here." Heh. They continue, and Angel stiffly (oh, ugh, not like that) grabs Cordy by the shoulders and pulls her closer. Cordy recites, "Only good inside, blah blah blah." They close their eyes and press their faces together in the style of someone kissing their grandma. Angel looks around and wonders if the possession only works once. Then Cordy pulls his head down and inhales his face. The cross slips between her fingers and falls to the floor.

Wesley, Fred, and Gunn find the unconscious guard. The mysterious chuckling, crying, shadowy figures watch. And chuckle. Or cry. I'm just not feeling the menace.

The ballerina, in a surprise move, dances. One of the chucklers leans over to tell ICBINS something. Whenever I use an acronym, they wait as long as possible to reveal the character's name. I hate that. He replies, "Deal with zem. I can't be bothered right now."

Cordy and Angel have found a couch. That can't be good. While they slurp at each other, Cordy insists that "he has power." Angel asks, "Power to do this," and does something with his hand that makes Cordy, um, react. Cordy calls Angel "Stefan," which is unfortunate since it sounds kind of like "Stiffen." I'm sorry, I didn't want to hear it that way, but I couldn't help it. So the mystery guy has unnatural powers, she's scared, etc. Angel finally names ICBINS by saying, "Kurskov owns the company -- he doesn't own you." Cordy says that Kurskov is "a deluded fan" who thinks she loves him. Angel suggests that the two of them run away, but Cordy doesn't want to give up everything she's worked for. She begs, "Help me be not afraid," which is an unwieldy line. Was the word "brave" hard to think of there? Angel helps by kissing her breasts. I guess if that doesn't scare her, nothing will.