Provider

Previously on Angel, Angel's kid was prophesied, because it'd be just awful if anything important ever happened to Angel that somebody hadn't predicted. Wolfram & Hart, along with various demon hordes, explored the kidnapping career path. Cordy turned part-demon to handle the visions, and without even one joke about how that wasn't much of a stretch for her. Where's Xander when you need him? Oh, and Holtz adopted an Anti-Slayer to help fill his time.

We open on a close-up shot of Angel putting pennies in a piggy bank. Anybody out there think that Angel just happened to have a piggy bank? So he bought it, right? He bought a piggy bank. To help him to save money. And that's the start and end of my search for sense here. Cordy holds the baby as Angel carries the bank across the room and puts it in the safe. Angel tells Fred that he found $1.83 in the couch cushions. Then he looks over her shoulder to view the website she's designing for Angel Investigations. On her laptop. Just in case we've forgotten that they have, in the course of three years, possessed thousands of dollars worth of iMacs and flatscreens and laptops. Sorry. I know that I said I wasn't expecting sense. But I wasn't expecting them to draw attention to the blatant nonsense. By, for instance, having Fred -- who has literally lived a cave for the past five years -- design a website. I think this is going to be more difficult than I expected.

As if we weren't already being treated like gibbering morons, we're given the first of several baby-cam shots. Cordy leans over into the camera and coos how cute she thinks the baby is. Angel pops up over her shoulder and wheezes, "How's my widdle maaaan?" Suddenly I'm more terrified than I've ever been by the monsters on this show. Cordy and Angel have a passive-aggressive conversation, ostensibly directed at the brat, to the effect that Angel hasn't been attending to his fatherly duties. I don't know whether you've picked up on it yet, but Angel is pretty focused on raising funds for the kid. Cordy notes that she's managed to feed herself, which is just bizarre, because does she mean to imply that the baby should go earn a paycheck? I don't understand. And she's "fed herself" by sponging off Angel, so I don't see why the kid can't do the same thing. Cordy finally puts the baby down and stops talking to the camera. She tells Angel that she doesn't want him to "lose sight of the mission." Angel promises that he won't neglect any messages from The Powers That Be.

Gunn enters and announces that they've hired people to blanket the city with "Angel Investigations" flyers. Angel looks at the flyer and declares, "Nice!" He sounds exactly like Marcus did while possessing Angel's body. So I guess that's probably something Boreanaz really says. It's quite annoying. Fred pops out to declare that the website is online. Angel picks up his little albatross as everyone gathers expectantly, waiting for the phone to start ringing. Because as soon as a website's up, you get hits. You don't need to link it to anything, or submit to search engines, or advertise. People just know. They stare at the silent phone. Angel tells the kid, "Don't you worry. This town's full of people who have problems." And that's just the writers.

Cut to a guy running through a rainy alley, pursued by the shadows of something they couldn't afford to show us. The man trips and crashes into a trash can, then picks up one of the flyers.

Things are quiet at the Hyperion.

The man rushes to a phone and dials.. We suddenly go to a split-screen so we can see everyone at the Hyperion waiting by the phone. And then the screen splits further, so we can see that the call is answered by a blue-haired worker who says, "Fabrizzo's Pizza?" In the alley, something runs past the camera.

Back at the Hyperion, Fred looks at the flyer and wonders, "Is this the right phone number?" Y'know, some people found the idea that nobody double-checked the number implausible. But I work for a company that made that exact mistake, and had to pay a heckuva lot of money to buy the printed phone number from another company because we'd already sent out thousands of forms using that phone number. So I can believe it. And with that wacky, oops-some-poor- innocent-got-killed opening, let's enjoy the credits. Johanna calls to say that she would probably enjoy watching a show all about how the pizza deliverymen start answering the calls for help, and learn to chase monsters away with anchovies.

Hm, what's on TV tonight? This looks like some kind of office-centered dramedy thing, like Ally McBeal, or some other show I've never watched. Wesley returns with new, corrected flyers. Gunn's watching Fred simper over the widdle baby. Fred's hair is curled and in pigtails. Someone trusted her with a curling iron? Maybe Cordy got bored. Wesley walks over by Gunn so that they can stare at her together. That's creepy. Wesley: "Adorable." No, creepy. Gunn: "So sweet." I'm sticking with creepy. Wesley: "I meant the baby." The baby's definitely creepy. Gunn: "I meant the hot mama." Ew. Poor, poor Gunn. Angel enters, wearing a shirt that is too tight in the shoulders, and mentions that making money is their top priority now. Cary descends the stairs, and worries that Angel's angry because Cary drank some of the baby formula. Cary says, "Baby formula and Kahlua? Not as bad as it sounds." Ugh. Angel dismisses that, and explains that he needs Cary to use his "contacts" to track down Holtz. Because Holtz is their top priority. Gunn points out the contradiction. Angel says that making money and finding Holtz are both their top priorities. Math isn't Angel's strong suit. Cordy suddenly passes by and clears her throat. Angel amends his list: "Helping the helpless, finding Holtz, and making money, are our...three...number one priorities." Yeah. We all saw Monty Python, we all get it. Cordy sits at the computer and declares that their website has gotten some hits. Immediately, the phone rings. And then another phone rings. And another. Wow, it's exciting. If you're interested in a show about a bunch of incompetent goofs trying to start a business. But I'm not, because I know how that turned out on The Real World. What else is on?

This looks like a medieval version of Homicide. Holtz is practicing his interrogation techniques on Justine in the Blunderdome. Holtz got a new jacket! And he's added a table and chairs to the room. Got rid of the computer, though. He's got a redecorating fetish. Justine defensively mentions dusting two vampires, but Holtz says he told her to leave them. Why? I don't know; maybe they were too small, so he wanted to throw them back. Holtz says, "We are here. To determine whether or not you. Have the commitment necessary. For the work at hand." It's not my fault he talks that way. I like Holtz, really! He's just big on pauses. Justine asks if that's a joke, for reasons which will become clear momentarily. Holtz repeats the word "commitment" a few times, in case we weren't paying attention. And then we pan down to see that her hand has been fastened to the table with an ice-pick or something similarly ouchy. She's pretty calm about it, all things considered. Holtz asks why she's still there. Justine says, "Feeling something is better than feeling nothing." Oh come on, there's already a faux Willow trying my patience; I don't need a Buffy clone on top of that. Although at least this one isn't whining that she misses being a cheerleader. Holtz says that she can un-pin herself, and then they'll discuss "the phase of [their] partnership." He exits, and closes a gate across the doorway. This is a strange little show, isn't it? I'd like to watch more of it, but it looks like it's time to switch back to Angel McBeal.

The Hyperion's lobby is full of demons and humans talking with various members of the MoG. And, I expect, some members of the local bunco squad who want to hear some more about their "paranormal investigations." Funny, it seems like recently there was a lot of concern that all sorts of folks would be trying to kidnap and/or kill Angel's kid. But I guess that explosion killed off every enemy and baddie in the whole world, so now it's okay to have crowds of visitors. Heck, maybe all of these people are just guests for the baby shower. Cary's talking to some demons who wear shiny chrome masks. I guess because that way they can walk the streets of Los Angeles unnoticed. Or maybe they come to the Hyperion through the sewers. I would love to see a quick take of Angel giving directions over the phone: "First you follow the storm drain down to the main sewer line, and then it's the third ladder on the left, just past the bilge room." Cary finishes chatting with the demons -- who communicate in unrecappable clickity-clacks -- and goes over to Angel. Cary says that the demons are ready to pay a hefty sum for the help of Angel Investigations' leader. By which he means Wesley. Cary explains, "They saw his web articles about DNA fusion comparisons in tri-ped demon populations." Sure, fine. The Castanet demons -- who don't understand English -- were surfing the net for scientific abstracts. In English. Why not? Angel heads over to the front desk, where Cordy whines that they're overwhelmed with potential clients. Six hundred flyers and a webpage. That's all it took. And people say the show doesn't contain any science fiction. Angel answers a ringing phone: "Angel Investigations, your problems are our problems." He almost immediately starts asking about the caller's financial situation. Because he's sort of obsessed with money just now, you see. It's subtle, but if you watch this episode a few times you can definitely see a theme.

The camera moves into the office, where Gunn is talking to a young blonde who...you'll never guess this one. She's being stalked! Probably by a stylist who wants to fix that freaky feathered bob she's got going. The girl explains that her ex-boyfriend, Brian, has been harassing her, and that the cops won't help. Gunn sympathizes, "You go to the cops for help, they don't do a thing till somebody ends up dead." The girl explains that, actually, Brian is dead.

Wesley has learned from Fred that everyone's impressed by your intelligence if you talk nonsense. So he, with the help of Cary's translation, tells the chrome demons that he's currently working on an article which "posits a formula for the genome mapping of creatures who don't have genes." Wesley goes on to say that it's "an exciting arena." Cary snarks, "One I'm sure we can all download at I'll-never-know- the-love-of-a- woman-dot-com." Not until the peer review is complete. Cary says that the demons want to buy Wesley's head. After some more clicking with the Castanetoids, he explains that they want Wesley to help solve a "traditional puzzle" in honor of their prince's birthday. The audience isn't fooled. But Wesley is. Fred pops up to point out that the designs on the demon's outfits are puzzles. She claims that the shapes on their tunics represent prime numbers and blah blee "exponential accumulation" gibberish. Wesley realizes that her observations have no relationship to reality, so he just smirks wearily at Fred. The Castanetoids click at each other and suddenly rush away. Cary says, "They either have to consult with their prince or go eat a cheese monkey." Mmm, cheese monkey. Gunn pops out of the office and asks for Wesley's help. Angel hangs up the phone, hands the baby over to Cordelia, instructs her that the baby needs to be fed, and hurries out before she can throw something at him. Like an axe. Or a blipvert.

Time to change channels again. I seem to have found a gritty detective show. I didn't think anyone made those these days. Angel enters a badly lit office and finds a man finishing up a business deal on the phone. The call ends, and the man introduces himself as Harlan Ellster. Harlan notes that Angel is "well-coiffed," and asks if he minds getting "a little mussed." I like this guy. But I don't like his sideburns. He looks familiar, and I've decided that he resembles a young George Clooney, if you stretched his head sideways so it was wider. Or maybe I'm just insane. Harlan says that there's a nest of vampires in an abandoned building. What's more, these vampires aren't out for blood -- he claims that they've been demanding extortion money: "We pay them a protection fee, and they don't eat our employees." Angel finds this plausible, because he knows that vampires often have a need -- or in fact use -- for money. Maybe he's just prepared to accept the story because Harlan offers to pay him $10,000 to take care of the vamps -- half now, half later. Angel tries to contain his glee as he takes the check and leaves. He gets out just in time to avoid seeing a man enter the office from the other door. Which is lucky, since if he'd lingered a second longer, the whole episode would have been ruined. The new guy says, "What the hell are you doing in my office?" The client formerly known as Harlan exclaims, "Mr. Ellster!" and then decks him.

During the commercial break, I go channel-surfing, hoping to run across that creepy Twilight Zone slayer show. Found it! Cool. Justine is still pinned to the table when Holtz returns. He sits down and leans over so that he, like Justine, has his head resting on the table. I guess it's nap time. Later they'll get juice and saltines. Holtz puts a hand on the icepick (or whatever) as he explains, "I want you to go out and find others like you. People who have suffered as we have." He says she'll be able to recognize such people because "their eyes will look like this feels," and then he pulls out the icepick. Justine screams, and after a minute she wraps her wounded hand in the hanky Holtz offers. And then she punches him. Heh.

Angel strolls into the Hyperion's lobby gloating about the "five thousand smackaroos" he just picked up. I wish he'd gotten five thousand smacks instead. Fred explains that Wesley and Gunn are working on the Mysterious Case of the Dead Boyfriend. Fred and Cordelia are, of course, just sitting around watching the baby sleep. What else should they be doing? Angel makes sure that Cordy ran a credit check on the client. He seems a little bit fixated on money. Has anybody else picked up on that? I scream in terror as we suddenly cut to the baby-cam shot. Angel looks down at us, making goo-goo faces, while Cordy worries that they're working on too many cases simultaneously. "What if we're all out making money and some poor devil stumbles in here and needs our help?" she says, as the audience readies itself for an ironic punchline. Right on cue Cary, drunk, enters the lobby. Why is he drunk? He was chatting with an informant in his quest to track down Holtz. Cary relays the news that Holtz is trying to find humans who will help him kill Angel. Having done his best to move the story arc another inch forward, Cary figures his work is done for this episode.

Cordy picks up a large stiff parcel wrapped in a blanket as she notices more visitors entering the hotel. Wait, I think the parcel is supposed to be the baby. If the baby's two feet long and completely stiff. It makes Cordy look like a younger version of the Log Lady. The new arrivals turn out to be the Castanetoids. They start jabbering, and Cordy asks Cary to translate. For extra fun, watch this scene again and look at how the "baby" changes size and shape. In three consecutive shots the baby suddenly goes from gigantic to normal to the size of a kitten. I was kind of hoping that it would shrink away to nothing, but alas, no. Is it that hard to send someone out to the toy store to buy a baby doll, so that at least you'd have something that was the right size? Cary says that the demons still want help with their puzzle, but now they want Fred. Angel asks for details, and we all learn that the demons live on a barge at the marina, because sure, why not? Fred might have to stay with them for a day or two, and Angel realizes that Cary would also have to go along as a translator. Angel carps about all the money they'll charge for salary and overtime, and it is with some surprise that I notice Angel seems to have become a trifle materialistic. The lead demon holds up the briefcase it's been carrying as Cary explains that they're offering to pay $50,000. Angel grabs the briefcase full of money, clutches it to his chest, and grins like the giant clod he's become.

A sudden blipvert makes me twitch, and I accidentally change channels. I stumble upon an episode of what I'm guessing is The New Hardy Boys Mystery Hour. The still-unnamed blonde with the retro hair tells Gunn and Wesley how reassuring it is to have someone who'll help her. She mentions Fred, which causes Gunn and Wesley to demonstrate that they are both a little sweet on Fred. Boy, I can't wait to see where that goes! Blondie shows them a picture of her ex and talks about what good times they used to have. Which leads to a demonstration of the fact that Gunn and Wesley are both a little bit sweet on Fred. Yeah, I got that the first time, too. Blondie valiantly tries to steer them back toward her problem by asking how her dead boyfriend can still be stalking her. Wesley interrupts Gunn to suggest, "Witchcraft, black magic, voodoo, zombification, demon possession, [or] even vampirism." Blondie asks what Brian wants, and Wesley interrupts Gunn again to offer some vague answers that I won't bother quoting. Gunn, finally able to get a word in, suggests, "Or maybe he just wants to eat your intestines." Wesley corrects Gunn, reminding him, "We don't know that he's a zombie, and besides, the flesh-eating is a myth. Zombies merely mangle, mutilate, and occasionally wear human flesh, so there's no reason to be frightened." Heh. Okay, that was amusing. It's a pity it was just another setup for "cue the monster, with ironic timing," since that's when Brian (I presume) smashes the door partly open and attacks Wesley. Gunn helps beat Brian back through the door and slam it shut. "Zombie it is!" Wesley chirps.

Cary and Fred arrive at the Castanetoids' barge, just down the pier from the Riptide gang. Cary describes the decor as "Jules Verne meets Leona Helmsley," which makes me chuckle. The Castanetoids click-clack, and Cary explains that the demons want to take a picture of Fred and Cary. Naturally, nobody finds this odd, and the snapshot is taken. Fred turns to look at the puzzle, which consists of a lot of clear plastic blocks of varying shapes. The puzzle is a game of Icehouse? Odd. Fred sits down, opens up the laptop, and starts looking at the designs etched into the blocks. And then she spews technobabble for a minute. A demon offers them a tray of crackers topped with eyeballs and insects, in case we forgot that they're, you know, demons. We didn't. What else is on?

Hey, this looks like a rerun from the first season of Angel. Particularly with the inability to make out half of the dark set. Angel wanders around in the abandoned building. No vamps to be found, but there is a collection of "trophies" from their victims. Like, watches and jewelry and stuff. Not actual trophies from vampire contests, although that would be amusing. "Grand Prize for Best Blood-Sucking." Heh. And if there were a prize for sucking, you know what would win? Of course you do. Footsteps approach, a vamp enters, and there's a cool fight. Yay. It even goes on for a little while, since Angel crashes through a table before he remembers how to kill vampires. He didn't come with his own stakes? Idiot. But he does make a lame joke as he dispatches the vamp, and for a minute it's kind of like old times. Angel stands up, and then sees two more vampires about to attack.

Cut to the office, as Angel enters to discover the real Harlan Ellster. Ellster introduces himself, and Angel realizes that he's been had. Angel explains a little, and shows Ellster the check he was given. Ellster explains that his imposter was Sam Ryan, a former employee. "The guy's been a little off his nut ever since he lost his friend. Wanted me to pay some charlatan ghost buster to clean out an abandoned rathole in midtown." Ellster and Angel chat about the silly vampire story, and Ellster chortles, "Immortal creatures living in a rat-infested building, guarding their treasure? Right!" Uh oh, I think he just gave Angel an idea.

Fred plays with blocks. Cary's still suffering from the effects of his drinking binge, and asks the way to the little demon's room. Cary climbs a staircase and strolls along a high catwalk. But a mysterious noise distracts him from his supposedly urgent need to vomit, and he goes exploring. Behind a curtain -- are we back to doing Wizard of Oz bits? -- a big old Castanetoid sits in a chair, hooked up to a bunch of gizmos. Other Castanetoids are clacking away excitedly and showing the old demon the picture of Fred on a laptop of their own. to it is a picture of the old demon. Subtitles read, "She is solving the puzzle, Sire." On the screen, Fred's head and ponytails detach and scoot across the screen to rest on top of the demon's. More subtitles inform us, "We have found a head worthy to rest upon your noble shoulders." I get the feeling that the subtitles were added later. The pictures certainly explained things well enough, and why bother having them if the subtitles are telling you the same thing more clearly? Cary, already feeling woozy, is shaken by the blows of the dual anvils relaying information we'd already guessed. He turns to go warn Fred, but an audience member shouts, "No, let her die!" and clubs him over the head. Okay, maybe it was a Castanetoid. It's hard to know who to root for here, isn't it?

Cordelia, stuck in a heartwarming family sitcom, is jumping up and down at the Hyperion. Cordy, that "jumping the shark" thing is just a metaphor. Incidentally, she's wearing a rather secretarial ruffly blouse with long sleeves. It's ugly, but wouldn't be out of place in an office. Or so I thought until I realized that it doesn't quite cover her stomach. Where does she find these things? Her calisthenics complete, she picks up the baby and prepares to change him. While doing that, she lovingly tells him that she levitated, and goes into great detail about how Angel's a champion, and she's part-demon now. I know. I watched it the first time, I don't need a summary of the season so far every week. New viewers will cope, I promise! And then the scene ends, because its only purpose was to tell us things we already knew. Maybe it's not a sitcom, maybe it's Sesame Street. Either way, time to change channels.