Previously on Angel, Cary's cousin Landok paid a visit, Cordy was told to "show the cleavage, say the line," Gunn lost a friend, portals were busting out all over, and Cordy went for a spin.
Angel, Cary, and Wesley look around for Cordelia. Wesley moans, "How could I have left this happen?" because it's all about him. Angel has a spaz attack, looking behind the curtains and insisting, "She's just hiding!" Wesley insists that Cordy is in Cary's home dimension now, and Angel advances on Cary, demanding, "Where's Cordelia?"
Cordy's in the woods, is where she is. She calls out for Angel, Wesley, and "Mister Green Mojo-Guy's cousin." Then she screams for help, and suddenly catches herself: "Good one, Cor. Scream very loudly so the hellbeasts come to you." I mentioned the denim jumpsuit last week, but I'll say again: she really took ol' Seth's advice about cleavage to heart. So to speak. Cordy closes her eyes and clicks her heels together three times, to no avail. She's got cute boots. Gimme. She looks around, admiring the pleasant surroundings, until a guy wearing a furry leotard jumps out onto a rock and snarls at her. Something about this scenario makes me expect a big dopey cartoon character to rush out and assure her, "Don't you worry, never fear, Robin Hood will soon be here." Cordy talks to the creature like it's a puppy, saying, "Good hellbeast. You're a laaaazy hellbeast, aren't you?" Then she runs away screaming, with Cha-ka 2.0 close behind. And speaking of behinds...that jumpsuit sure does make the most of Charisma's Carpenter's assets. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Credits. Brought to us by Pearl Harbor. Hey, anyone know what that's about? Is it like The Blue Lagoon, only with oysters?
Cary fixes himself a drink and insists that he doesn't know where Cordelia is. He starts a lot of sentences without finishing them, in a way designed to suggest indescribable wackiness. Or stalling for time. Or pointless filler. You decide. Wesley adopts his "Voice of Reason" attitude, but Angel's got no time for that; he grabs the Necronomikamikazi book and insists that they have to go after Cordelia. Wesley says that they need to prepare, research, and perhaps have some tea. Angel gets all sincere and says, "It's Cordy." Angel really reminds me of Lassie in this scene. In a heartwarming, "the poor dumb creature is trying to help," -- and I actually mean that nicely -- way. Angel turns toward the stage and starts reading as Cary ducks behind the bar. Dramatic music swells, but otherwise, nothing happens. Angel tries again from on the stage, and still nothing happens. He angrily turns to Cary and asks, "Is this thing out of batteries?" Cary hasn't a clue. Angel throws the book down and slumps to the floor. He finally says, "I just got her back." Aw. Goofy as the story is, it is hanging on some genuine emotion, and that's nice. If only it were also supported by some genuine intelligence. Wesley sadly observes, "There's obviously not going to be any big swirly hole-jumping without a big swirly hole." Ironic, considering that Wesley is a big swirly hole. He suggests that they go back to the hotel and figure out how to open a wormhole...I mean, "portal." Cary tries to console them by saying that they shouldn't go to his world looking the way they do. Too easy to bother supplying a punch line to that one. Angel asks what Cary means, and Cary clarifies, "Like a human." It's interesting that Cary says this, since much, much, much later in the show, when they actually get to his world, no one has made any effort to look anything other than human.
Cordy's still running, chased by Cha-ka, who bends over to make us think he's running on all fours. Ooo, scary. Why not just get a dog and paint it blue or something? Because I'm sorry, this thing just makes me laugh. Or they could pick some cute little fuzzy creature that looks totally innocent, so that when it lunges at Cordy we'll be startled. Scooter the chinchilla is available, and you haven't been terrified until you've had a chinchilla stare at you without blinking for half an hour. Just a suggestion. Cha-ka finally tackles Cordy, and, to her horror, starts pretending to lick the camera. Cordy, in turn, pretends he's licking her face. An older, upright, clothed demon hurries up, and assures Cha-ka that he's a good boy. Cordy stands up and tries to ingratiate herself with the local. The demon ignores her, and tells Cha-ka, "You found me a cow!" Cordy doesn't care for that. But she is even more irritated when the demon throws a cord around her, which binds her arms and emphasizes her, uh, talents. Cordy whimpers, "Okay but you're like, Hindu, right? You don't eat the cows, right?" The demon tells Cha-ka that she's "kind of a chatty cow," and gags her. Remember when I talked about the Wilma Deering effect, way back at the beginning of the season? This is what I'm talking about. And while I feel some affection for Buck Rogers, that's because I watched it when I was ten, not because it was good.
At the Hyperion, Angel asks Cary for information. Cary doesn't want to share more than that he likes this world and hates his home, but Angel's not in the mood for banter. Cary says that he got to Los Angeles by using an oscillation overthruster...I mean, "portal," but he doesn't know why the portal was there. He says that his world is called Pylea, and explains, "Five years ago, I'm in the woods, when suddenly, right in front of me, out of nowhere, a portal appears. It was like my prayers had finally been answered." Angel asks who opened the portal. Cary lifts his hand like it's a puppet, and says, "Gift horse." He opens his fingers, explains, "Mouth," and pointedly turns his head away. I will probably use that sometime. Cary goes on to say that he ended up in an abandoned building in Los Angeles, and that's where he built Caritas. Angel asks whether Pylea is hell, and Cary answers, "Not literally. But it runs a close second." Angel mutters, "I find that hard to believe." Cary spends more time than seems necessary ranting that they have no music in Pylea, and what a revelation it was when he heard Aretha Franklin for the first time. At some point, they'd better scare someone in Pylea by singing, or I'm gonna be even more annoyed that they left this in when there were gaping plotholes in need of mending. Well, Angel could scare anyone by singing, but you know what I mean.
Wesley looks up from the book he's been paging through and announces, "It's cold." Angel grunts, "Put on a sweater." Wesley explains that he meant the space-time anomaly...I mean, "portal" at Caritas is cold. It seems that some places have psychic energy that "function as dimensional hot spots --natural gateways between worlds." He says that creating portals depletes the energy, so the hot spot in Caritas is cold and can't take them anywhere. Angel grumps, "See, I was right; it was the batteries." Cary says that they can just wait until the hot spot is recharged, but Angel says that they've wasted enough time. How many hours passed between the Drokken's coming through the Caritas portal and Landok's and Cordy's departure? It was all in the same night, so maybe eight hours, tops? Go take a shower, gather up supplies, take a nap, since you've been up all night, and by then your portal should be ready to swirl. Sorry, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Right. Wesley worries that, even if they enter the portal together, they might find themselves, "literally, on opposite ends of the world." I don't remember enough about geometry to be sure if a globe really can be said to have "opposite ends." But maybe Cary's home isn't a globe. Why should Larry Niven be denied homage when every other SF writer appears to be getting props in this story? Anyway, Cary and Angel realize that, if Wesley's right, Cordy doesn't even have Landok around to help her. This makes them sad.
Gunn enters, and Wesley starts in with his version of "Where have you been, young man? Your mom and I were worried!" Angel starts jabbering that they have to find a hot spot and figure out a way to stick together once they've passed through the Stargate...I mean, "portal." Gunn interrupts, "I'm not going." I tried this once when my family was planning a trip. Didn't work out too well, but my parents were saddled with a sulky teenage girl for a week, so I think we all learned a lesson. Gunn explains, "Last night I lost one of my crew. I should've been there, but...I'm sorry, but Wes said the trip was one-way and...I can't!" Angel and Wesley just stare as poor Gunn says he owed it to Angel to explain face to face. Angel pouts and refuses to look at Gunn. Gunn steps forward, because he's a grown-up, and tells Angel, "Please. Find her." And then he leaves. Cary comments, "Tough decision, poor kid...but I'm right there with him." Angel reluctantly agrees, until Cary explains, "I mean about the not going part." Angel spins and insists that Cary has to be their guide. Cary calmly says, "Remember when I said I loved this dimension and I'm never, never, never gonna leave? Well, exactly which 'never' did you not understand?" Before Angel can complain too much, Cary says he'll try to help them locate a hot spot, and exits. Wesley tells Angel that Gunn has responsibilities, and I suddenly notice that Wesley's shirt has princess seams. Angel whispers to the counter, "You and I have to figure out how to save her." The Formica has no response. Angel and Wesley furrow their brows. Cordy is so dead.
We cut to a quaint village with the motto, "We put the 'evil' in 'medieval.'" Demons on horseback, buildings with thatched roofing, the whole nine yards. Cordy is bound and swinging from a pole carried by two demons. Cordy fiercely grips the ropes around her hands, trying to avoid damage to her wrists. If they want their slaves to work hard, maybe they should consider transporting them in a way that doesn't involve dangling them by their limbs. Cordy is deposited in a frame, still dangling, and her captor approaches with a prospective buyer. There's something horribly Gorean about this scenario already. Which makes me wonder whether this story, like the Gor books themselves, was written on a bet. Cordy's future owner is a withered old female demon with a shrill voice. Let's call her Haggar. No, not the Viking. Haggar says that Cordy looks skinny and ugly, causing Cordy to squeak behind her gag. After some discussion, Cordy is traded to Haggar for a pig and a pint of "Flib liquor." The male demon slips a sliver band around Cordy's neck before cutting her free. No fair -- I already used up my "Gamesters of Triskelion" references on "The Ring." Haggar complains that, since her last slave died, she's been "mucking out the flehegna stables" herself. So people are "cows," they drink "Flib liquor," and domesticate "flehegna." Only now do I realize that the Lorne Greene reference was foreshadowing. Welcome to the Battlestar Galactica school of establishing an alien world via occasional gibberish. So, we all know where this is going, right? Cordy jabbers away, Haggar zaps her with the electro-collar, Cordy is surprised, no one else in the universe is, Haggar zaps her again, and Cordy obediently follows her new owner. The camera follows her, then swerves away to focus on a dark-haired slave girl who's loitering in the shade. Who is this mysterious person. Why are we looking at her? Oh yeah; it's Fred. We knew that. ?
Gunn sits in his vamp-attack vehicle and thinks about his mysterious past, the incredible adventures he's had off-screen, and the deep feelings he never gets a chance to articulate. Poor, poor Gunn. I talked about the Hawk effect ages ago, too. Hawk became Buck's sidekick after a female relation died tragically. He also had a cool spaceship, though, so the parallel isn't exact.
A woman says, "You don't know where you're going." We will soon find out that her name is Aggie, perhaps because she's Texan. But probably not. She's in a cubicle at a psychic hotline phone center. People using headsets wander by, stalling their callers as they use financial records, reverse look-up tables, and records of calls to gain mystic insight into the lives of the gullible. Cary sidles up to the cubicle, wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. He's also holding a magazine over his face. And he has on a bright red suit. Way to blend in, Cary. And that red eye shadow is a bit much in natural lighting -- save it for evening wear. He pokes his head into the cubicle and asks, "Is this a bad time?" Aggie tells her caller, "It's like you feel cut off," and hangs up before giving Cary a big hug. She looks Cary up and down and asks, "You hiding from the mob?" Cary says that his hat is "chafing [his] horns." Is that dirty? I can't tell. Cary loses the sunglasses and magazine, increasing my confusion as to whether or not people at the phone center should be surprised by his appearance. He explains that he needs to locate a psychic hot spot. Aggie asks, "And the big flashing neon warning light in your aura means what?" Cary suggests, "Eat at Joe's." Aggie says she feels "ugly conflict vibes," and that she can't help him. Cary reluctantly admits that some friends need to find a Tessaract...I mean, "portal" because they're going to Pylea. Aggie asks, "And you're not going with them?" Cary does his own version of the Weird Al classic, "One More Minute," with lyrics like, "I would rather sit through a junior high school production of Cats." Aggie says that if Cary doesn't go, "they'll never rescue the girl." She continues, "You've gotta go with 'em. It's the only way you're gonna resolve these issues that are cloudin' up your aura." Cary sighs as Aggie tells him, "You've always known you'd have to take that one last trip back home." Cary doesn't like the sound of "last." Aggie says that "sometimes the journey is taken simply because it must be taken. That vague enough for ya?" Cary laughs, "Is that what I sound like? Yeesh. No wonder people complain."
Hyperion blipvert. Wesley wonders whether he could use a binding spell to keep them together when they use the Omni...I mean, "portal." Angel approves, until Wesley adds that the spell could turn them into "a freakishly hybridized Siamese twin." Angel nixes the spell. Wesley notes that metal keeps turning up in his research. Angel asks, "What, we handcuff ourselves together? Who do we know that has handcuffs?" Wesley blurts, "Well, I -- wouldn't know." Another part of my soul is burned away. And for no reason, since Wesley and Cordelia have already used chains and manacles to secure Angel. Twice. And they definitely still have all the stuff, since Wesley showed the bondage box to Gunn earlier this season. Anyway, Wesley says that handcuffs wouldn't work. Angel complains that Cordy's been missing for twelve hours (which means that the hot spot at Caritas really ought to be recharged by now, but don't let me get in the way of this totally artificial problem). They're interrupted when Lieutenant Matheson from Crusade, alias Daniel Dae Kim, enters with some other guy in tow. Wow, it's strange seeing him in a suit. But I'm happy, because he's a good actor. They're both holding briefcases as well, and Angel sighs, "Lawyers. Don't you people sleep during the day?" Yeah, well, they probably thought that vampires sleep during the day, so you've both learned something. Matheson claims to be named Gavin Park, and introduces his companion as "Mr. Hayes." Poor guy doesn't have a first name. They're from Wolfram & Hart -- big surprise -- and want to appraise the hotel. Apparently Wolfram & Hart might buy the building when Angel's lease expires. Angel chuckles, "You couldn't get me to turn evil, so now you wanna evict me?" Maybe they won't evict him. Maybe they'll be his new landlords. That might be funny. Sorta like Three's Company with Wolfram & Hart playing the Don Knotts role, only...well, completely different. Because it might be funny. Forget I brought it up. Angel tells Wesley, "Now they're trying to annoy me to death." The lawyers want to take a look around, but Angel vamps out and snarls at them. Park manages to convey the gestalt of rolling his eyes without actually rolling his eyes, which is a pretty cool trick, and tells Angel, "Very well. We'll contact your real estate company and inform them of your non-compliance." Blah blah "notice of obligation" blah blah "lease agreement" blah blah rental-cakes. With that, they exit. Angel de-vamps off-camera, and Johanna wonders if his shifts to and from game-face are always so noisy. He sighs heavily and asks Wesley how soon they can leave.
Cordy is shoveling demon poo in a barn. She's changed her jumpsuit for a dress made out of burlap sacks. She whines about all the things she'd rather be doing (i.e. anything else) and gets zapped for her attitude, even though Haggar is nowhere to be seen. Cordy, not one to learn from experience, whines, "Woman has ears like a bat." In a stall behind her, we can see the head of a large badger with horns, or something like that. It's kinda neat-looking for a relatively immobile mask, so good effort, effects team, with your itty bitty budget. Cordy fusses with her control collar, trying to take it off. Suddenly Fred says, "Don't do that." Fred's peeking at Cordy through a knothole. Cordy sneaks over to the hole and tries to figure out who's talking to her. Fred tells her, "If you take the collar off, bad things'll happen to your head, like...it'll implode. So don't take the collar off, okay?" Fred's got a southwestern-ish accent. At least I think that's what it sounds like, although I'm bad at placing accents. Really, it could be Swedish for all I know. Fred also sounds a bit nuts, which I'm much better at identifying. Fred tells Cordy to keep shoveling while they chat. Cordy asks how long Fred's been there, and Fred says, "I was born here. I mean, not really, I just...sometimes I think I was. I mean, I don't think it with my thoughts. I forget certain words." Riiiight. You get the idea. Cordy asks where they are, and Fred says it's called Pylea, and continues her almost, but not quite, entirely unhelpful crazy-talk. Cordy asks how she can escape, and Fred giggles before explaining that she'd forgotten about laughter. She less cheerfully answers, "You don't. They use you as a slave, then your body gives. Zip! Gone." Cordy insists that her friends will rescue her. Fred says that she tried to get home, but she "didn't have the math," and asks how Cordy wound up in Pylea. Cordy mentions the flux capacitor...I mean, "portal," and Fred asks where it was. But they're interrupted when someone calls "Fugitive!" Richard Kimble's there too? This is the mother of all crossovers. Fred wails her distress as a demon-at-arms enters with some villagers. The villagers rush in and grab Fred as the demon-at-arms orders Cordy to lie down on the floor. Another villager pushes Cordy down as Fred is dragged out. Cordy only sees Fred's legs because, apparently, she's lost her peripheral vision. At least she's learned that the slaves get razors, since Fred's legs look silky smooth. The demon-at-arms looks Fred over and announces that the "clever little cow" has disabled her control collar. The demons exit with Fred while Cordy cowers on the floor.
Angel's talking to himself -- or maybe to the speakerphone. He explains that he and Wesley will be leaving soon, and that he doesn't know if they'll be back. He observes, "It's 11:16. Cordy's been gone for almost twenty-four hours now. I think I've covered everything..." Angel says that the mortgage is in the company's name, and that the lease is up in six months. Wasn't it a six-month lease originally? Hasn't some time passed since they moved in? Oh well. With a final "take care of yourself," Angel hangs up. When you're leaving an important message full of business details for someone, you should probably pick up the receiver, because speakerphones don't always have great microphones. Plus, Angel's never been great at enunciating. Cary enters the office and asks Angel how he's doing. Angel says he's "just waiting for Wes to have that 'eureka' moment." Cue Wesley's shout of "Eureka!" Cary asks, "You mean he actually really [sic] says 'eureka'?" Wesley races in and announces that he knows how to get them all through the Pylon...I mean, "portal."
Haggar and Cordy go shopping. Haggar asks for a lot of things with silly names. And a spatula. Although "spatula" is a silly name, too, when you think about it. Cordy is loaded down with baskets of stuff. She tries to ask Haggar about Fred, but Haggar orders her to shut up. Haggar also reminds Cordy not to spill the "viper's milk," and Cordy starts to complain about all the stuff she's carrying, but is interrupted by a vision. She sees a Drokken attacking a demon in a red shirt. No, he's really in a red shirt. Only now do I realize that the Drokken is just a bald mugato. Cordy tells Haggar what she saw in the vision, adding that the attack is taking place "by the forest, near a big yellow rock." There are boulders in the background, but none of them looked particularly yellow to me. More demons gather around Cordy and stare at her. Cordy recovers, looks around, and whines, "Isn't anyone gonna ask if I'm okay?" As someone lowers a pitchfork toward her, Haggar screams, "My cow is cursed!" Cheer up, Haggar; maybe you can trade her for some magic beans. Cordy tries to explain her vision again, but is drowned out as the villagers start chanting, "Cursed!"
The Angelmobile pulls to a stop opposite the arched gateway to Paramount Studios. Angel asks, "Here? Isn't this a movie studio?" Cary insists that it "makes a certain kind of sense." I'm not convinced. Cary adds that Aggie told him there was a hot spot there, "and Aggie's never wrong when it comes to hot spots. She was doing SkyBar way before Brad and Jennifer." He checks to make sure that Wesley has the book, which of course he does, since they need it to get to Pylea. Duh. Angel asks whether he should put the top up, and the answer is yes, since they don't know what the weather will be like in Pylea, but Wesley says, "We only require a metal enclosure on four sides to ensure that we travel through the portal together. The car, top up or down, should do it....I'm almost positive." Angel doesn't like the "almost" there. So just put. The top. Up. What reason is there to leave it down? Why is this conversation happening? Wesley claims to be ninety-six percent sure. Suddenly he's Mister Spock. When Angel continues to scowl, Wesley drops the Spockitude and whines about how much pressure he's under, and that's when Gunn hops into the car saying, "Suck it up, English." Wesley starts to ask Gunn, "How did you --" The director cuts him off, frantically waving his arms to indicate, "We don't have an explanation for how Gunn was able to find the car, so please don't bring it up, and maybe then no one will wonder about it." Gunn explains that Angel's message "sounded like the captain of the Titanic getting ready to go down with the ship." See? I was right about speakerphones; Angel sounded like he was underwater. Which, I guess, reminded Gunn that Angel's not very bright and won't be able to rescue Cordelia without more help. Angel explains that he just wanted someone to have the information in case they didn't make it back. Cary starts to hop out, declaring that if Gunn is going along, "someone else will have to stay here, mind the store." Angel, Wesley, and Gunn all shove Cary back down, chorusing, "Shut up." Cary does have a point, though. Did Gunn pass on the information to one of the Found Boys? Oh, and yes, now that we've established that they need the car to make sure they all arrive in Pylea together, it is a lucky thing that Cary went looking for a new hot spot. But there's no reason that these elements couldn't have been reordered so that Wesley quickly figured out that the car could keep them together, and then Cary had to find a hot spot they could drive the car through. Rearrange the scenes, rewrite a few lines, it would have worked out the same way except that I wouldn't have a headache now. Sigh. So, Wesley finally opens the book and starts reading "Klatu barada nikto," or something like that. The air in front of the Paramount gates swirls and morphs. Everyone buckles up as Angel accelerates the Tardis...I mean, "car" into the magical morphing swirls. The Angelmobile goes poof, along with the portal. And then the book falls to the ground on the empty street.
Everyone screams as the Angelmobile impersonates the General Lee, crashing to the ground in a sunlit forest clearing. Or, if you haven't been caught up in the magic of this episode, "park." The car skids to a stop and Angel starts babbling, "Daylight! Quick, somebody hand me a blanket -- hand me a blanket or I'll catch on fire!" What did I say about putting the top up? By the time Wesley's pulled off his jacket and offered it to Angel, Angel's noticed that he's not on fire. Yeah, I know; if the top had been up, Angel wouldn't have tried going out in the sun, and wouldn't know he could -- unless someone could think of some other, more plausible, accident that would have led to this discovery. I've already demonstrated how logic could be injected into the first half of this episode, so consider that one a homework assignment. Angel wonders why he isn't blazing away, and Wesley notes that "it is another dimension." Cary directs their attention skyward, and everyone stares up at the twin suns of Soulianis and Rahm. Wesley guesses that the Pylean suns don't have the same effect on vampires, and pinches Angel's ear experimentally. Angel tries not to crack up as he tells Wesley to back off. Wesley pinches Angel's cheek, and Angel shoves him away and squeezes Wesley's cheek in response. Was this entire episode improvised? That certainly would explain a few things. Wesley looks vexed, then giddy, and exclaims, "Fascinating." We're back to Spockisms. I don't know why any of this is happening, but I sure wish I had whatever they were drinking. While Angel and Wesley continue their inexplicable behavior in the front seat, Gunn asks if they all saw the street "do that bendy thing." Reminded that they still have a show to do, Angel asks Cary to confirm that this is his world. "Home sweet hell," Cary gripes. Angel reminds everyone that he isn't on fire, while Wesley comments, "We didn't even merge into a freakish four-man Siamese twin!" Gunn, disturbed, asks, "How come nobody told me that was a risk?" Angel stands up in the front seat, spreads his arms, and asks, "Can everybody just notice how much fire I'm not on?" Heh. They all hop out of the car without bothering with the doors, because now they're the Duke Boys. Cary suggests hiding the car: "It'll be a little conspicuous, seeing as how we don't have convertibles in this world. Or, you know, cars." And there's nothing else conspicuous about them at all, since they paid heed to Cary's suggestion that they not look like humans. And there's no way that it would be useful to have something that would scare the inhabitants, or to have transportation, since Cordelia could be anywhere. Stupid, stupid, stupid. They could leave the car there simply to mark where the hot spot is, since one patch of grass looks much like another, but of course no one expresses any desire in remembering that little fact. Stupid. Angel offers to find brush to cover the car, and observes, "There's some over in that patch of sun. I'll get 'em." He rushes over to do some more sunbathing. Gunn exchanges streetwise handshakes with Wesley and says, "I'll give it to you, trippin' to an alternate universe? Pretty damn cool -- but I wanna find Cordy quick." Cary says he does, too, and adds, "If I know Pylea, she could probably use a friend right about now."
Sure enough, Cordy, bound hand and foot, is currently lying on the floor of a dark temple or something similarly ominous. Demons are still gathered all around her as she insists that she isn't cursed -- she just has visions. The demons mutter to each other. The demon-at-arms enters and announces, "We found the body by Dester's Rock. A Drokken beast had fed on his flesh." Cordy apologizes and explains that it's not her fault; she just saw it happen. "Before it had come to pass," the demon-at-arms adds. Cordy agrees, and everyone begins muttering about the curse again. A demon with a deep, echoey voice says, "Enough," and enters, wearing the obligatory red, hooded robe. Someone scribbled all over his face with magic marker. How embarrassing for him. The new demon, who I'll call Enik, says that they must test Cordelia to determine if she is "cursed with the sight." Cordy pathetically responds, "Test? But I haven't studied!" More robed demons wheel out a table loaded with unpleasant looking pointy objects. Enik picks up an awl and says, "Now we shall see if you are truly cursed, my child. I pray you are not." Cordy offers to keep her visions to herself as he advances on her.
Blip back to the woods, where the car has been moved under some low trees. The boys pile branches onto the car -- which still has the top down. Guys, it'll be easier to cover it if you have a solid top, and aren't just filling the entire car with leaves. I won't even get into the part where the car is barely hidden from this particular camera angle, much less from any other direction. Have I mentioned how very stupid all of this is? Cary says that they're a couple of miles from town, and yes, apparently there's only one town in Pylea. Johanna wonders if maybe this is just a very, very small world, after all. How did Landok manage to end up somewhere else, given how tiny this place seems to be? More giddiness from Angel about his sun-worthiness. They start to head off, following Cary, and Wesley calls back, "Don't forget the book." Angel stops, puts his hands on his hips, and snips, "I just don't think that's funny." I'm gonna have to interrupt again. First, why take the book with them? Aren't they going to have to come back to the car and the hot spot to get home? So why take the book along, increasing the chances of losing it, instead of leaving it at the place where you're going to need it? And as long as I'm ranting, I'll point out that the book is the only thing they planned to bring along. With twenty-four hours to prepare. They didn't bring food, or less-conspicuous clothes to change into, or -- just a wacky thought here -- weapons. Once again, these are the people standing between the apocalypse and us? Wolfram & Hart are probably watching this in their crystal ball and muttering, "I can't believe we keep losing to these people." So, yeah, the book. Nobody knows where it is. Everyone gets tense, especially Cary. Wesley suggests, "Perhaps its only function is to open portals to Pylea, in which case it would be useless in Pylea, and therefore...it only exists in our own dimension." I have this same problem with my car keys. Cary calmly says, "Ordinarily I handle bad news really well. I just drown my sorrows in an ice-cold gin and tonic, a little squeeze of lime...Except when they don't have them here!" Angel says they'll figure out a way to get home later, but first they have to find Cordy. I add the gin and tonic to the list of H2G2 references.
Cordy's curled up on the floor, looking comatose. Enik announces, "It is the unanimous decision of the Covenant that the girl is afflicted. She carries the curse of the sight." More robed guys haul Cordy to her feet and drag her away.
As they arrive in town, Cary warns the others to be stealthy, saying, "'Xenophobia' -- kind of a watchword where I'm from." Gunn says, "I don't get it. Why are they afraid of Xena? I think she's kinda fly." I moan at the lame joke as Wesley explains what "xenophobia" means. Gunn says, "Then can we pretend I didn't just say that?" Seconded. Cary points to a house across the street and says it belongs to Blix, a childhood friend. Cary will go ask Blix for information while the others stay hidden. Angel asks why they have to hide, because apparently he wasn't listening to what Cary said thirty seconds before. Cary tries a less subtle explanation: "Because otherwise they might beat us to death with sticks." Cary strolls across the street in his bright red, nothing like subtle, suit, and enters the house. A moment later he runs out, pursued by another demon who's waving an axe and shouting, "Traitor! Deserter!" Cary hurries back to the boys and suggests that they all run away. The shouting attracts more demons, and a chase ensues. The boys run into the town square, where they certainly don't stick out at all, and Cary points them in a new direction. Soon several dozen irate villagers surround them. Wesley decides that this is a good time to make a speech about how they've "faced some pretty steep odds" before. Gunn interrupts to tell Angel, "I'll take the twenty on the left. You take the fifty on the right." Note this confirmation of Wesley's worth in battle. Also, note again how incredibly stupid they were to bring zero weapons along. I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. The battle commences. There's the usual kicking and punching, and Wesley hops up onto a platform, waves a sword he's managed to grab, and shouts, "I think we're winning!"
Cut to the four Stooges, bound and kneeling by the slave auction platform. They're tied really incompetently. The demon-at-arms arrives in a chariot, and identifies Cary as "Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan." Cary nods cheerfully, "Constable Narwek. Lovely to see you again." The demon-at-arms asks why Cary returned, and Cary admits that he's been wondering the same thing. The demon-at-arms asks who the "cow-scum" are, and notes that they're strangely dressed. Cary says that they're his friends; the demon-at-arms says they are "creatures of labor." The demon-at-arms accuses Cary of abandoning the teachings of his people. He orders his guards, "Take him away. We will begin interrogations immediately." Angel protests, and the demon-at-arms kicks him. The remaining Stooges are yanked to their feet as the demon-at-arms announces, "For the crime of assault against those judged to be your betters, you are to be detained in the dungeon until Our Royal Highness passes sentence upon you." Gunn says, "I'm guessin' community service is out." The demon-at-arms punches Gunn in the stomach. After Gunn recovers, he glares and adds, "Too bad. I really like those orange vests." He's punched in the face this time, and Wesley orders Gunn to stop. The demon-at-arms glares at Wesley and orders his guards to take the boys away. Wesley isn't worth punching.
Enik reminds us all that Cordelia is cursed with the sight. Didn't we establish this pretty successfully about ten minutes ago? Enik adds that measures must be taken, blood must be spilled, and vagueness must be increased.
In a dungeon cell, Gunn tugs at the manacles binding his wrists while Angel and Wesley do nothing. Gunn announces, "No use. Things are made outta some kind of magical alloy." Wesley asks how Gunn can tell. Gunn says, "I can't. I'm just making myself feel better." Heh. There are more chains around their ankles, causing them all to hobble around in an amusing way. Wesley asks whether Angel's found anything, and from his post at the door, Angel says that the wood is six or seven inches thick. Wesley reports, "These impenetrable stone walls are proving to be rather --" Gunn interjects, "You say 'impenetrable' and I will kick your ass." Thank you, Gunn. Wesley mentions being horrified by stories about the Tower of London. Angel off-handedly remarks, "It wasn't that bad." More chitchat, and Angel suddenly moves toward the door and tells them all to shut up. Gunn and Wesley scurry over to try and eavesdrop with Angel, but he can hear better because of his super vampire powers. News to me. Angel says that the people in the hallway are talking about a girl who has visions. He reports hearing, "A covenant. A curse. Something about testing the girl for the sight." He looks back at them and adds, "They said she screamed." Wesley hisses, "Those bastards," hitting the "B" so hard he almost shatters it. Angel listens some more and says that they're going to be taken to a castle for sentencing. He says, "They're coming," and everyone scuttles away from the door, because if anyone finds out they've been listening, they'll get in real trouble. Or something. The door opens, and a helmeted guard orders them out. As they move into the hallway, they hear someone being whipped, and Angel tells Gunn and Wesley, "Be ready."
A pretend castle looms over the real village set, where a bull strolls down the street. Inside the pretend castle, Angel is escorted down a hall with Wesley and Gunn trailing behind. They find Cary, also shackled, waiting for them. Cary says, "Am I glad to see you. And so much less dead than I expected." Angel asks Cary what happened to him, and Cary goes on about tickertape parades and streamers for a minute before admitting, "Locked me in a room, pushed me around, asked a bunch of questions -- your standard film noir." Angel whispers that he got a lead on Cordelia, and Gunn and Wesley sidle up to him. Angel relates what he heard about the curse and the Covenant to Cary. A guard calls for silence as the demon-at-arms arrives. He lectures Cary, "You abandoned your life-giver, betrayed your people, and now you consort with these animals. I will take great pleasure in watching them kill you slowly." The demon-at-arms wanders off, and Angel asks Cary, "Will they take us in separately or together?" Cary isn't sure, but guesses, "Together?" Everyone gathers to listen to Angel's plan, which I'm sure is really brilliant since his mind has got to be well rested after the vacation it's had during this episode. We'll never know, though, since we're forced to listen to the demon-at-arms telling his guards, "Drag the bodies to the village square. We will hang their corpses there as a warning." Then he calls to the prisoners and announces, "The Venerable Monarch of Pylea, General of the Ravenous Legions, Eater of Our Enemy's Flesh, Prelate of the Sacrificial Blood Rites, and Sovereign Proconsul of Death, is prepared to pass sentence upon you." I wanna be a Sovereign Proconsul of Death. I bet the conventions are awesome. Angel whispers, "One..." as the demon-at-arms turns and orders his guards to open the doors. Angel says, "Two," they walk into the room, and then he punches the guard behind him. What happened to three? You can't start an escape plan on the count of two! Oh, the captioning says "3!" but I checked several times, and Angel doesn't. Wesley shoves his guard away, but Angel is punched and goes down faster than a French prizefighter, and I think we get the idea of how good his plan was from that. The attempt to snatch still more defeat from the jaws of defeat is stopped abruptly when Cordelia clears her throat pointedly. Everyone stops and looks up. Cordelia sits on a throne. Wearing one of Princess Ardala's cast-off sequined bikinis. And people thought I was exaggerating about the Buck Rogers themes. "Hi guys," she says. The piano plinks "wacky" at us as the credits roll.