There is a lot of girls versus guys talk this week, which culminates with the male models attempting a few pranks. First they tape various items of the girls' wardrobes all over the place. Kanani is like, "Is that all you got?" And so they capitalize on her fear of clowns by throwing some sort of wind up clown doll in the room while she's sleeping, which is so upsetting to her that she has to take a puff of her inhaler. This is what happens when you deprive people of the internet for weeks!
The week's challenge has the contestants dividing into three teams and coordinating a whole shoot -- from concept to hair to makeup to photography -- for Emerson clothing. Flixel is involved, as are Random Acts of Modeling. Kanani, Renee and Jourdan put aside any ill feelings to focus on a concept that features them as three orphans adopted by a farmer who are also fixing a tractor. I think. Don, Marvin, Nina and Jeremy set a scene involving a rich farmer who has two workers who are sleeping with his wife behind his back. They are very in love with their teamwork and final product, and while they have the best photo of the bunch they forget to feature women's clothes in it, which is a problem since Emerson is a women's line.
And then there's Cory, Jiana, Chris and Phil. In their concept, Cory is an androgynous alien who landed on a farm and is freaking everybody else out. But the real freaker-outer is Phil, who first rips the sleeves off of a designer shirt, then runs through the shoot for no reason, then falls off a fence, then throws a rock and breaks the fence. It is explained to us that he has ADHD. And also is kind of a tool, I might add. Cory's team winds up on the bottom, while Kanani and co. win.
Back at home, Chris freaks out about his low challenge score and then yells at Nina when she's trying to calm him down. So now he's back down to zero friends, and everybody kind of hopes that Nina just stays away from him from now on because he's not only bad news but also a real pain in the ass.
The show is clearly running out of photo shoot ideas, so this week's concept is centered on Tyra's fascination with nail art. The models finally pose solo, with very elaborate Top Model themed nails. And yes, this means we're forced to revisit "pot ledom." Nina is still mad at Chris, which throws both of them off their game. Kanani has post-traumatic clown disorder and can't seem to get it together, with visions of red noses and big shoes clouding her ability to smize. Jeremy is also unfocused since just before his shoot Jourdan ask why he's desperate and obsessed with her. Conversely, every time she's mean to Jeremy Jourdan only grows in strength and power. Her photo winds up being the best of the week.
The contestants are informed that there will be a double elimination, and Kanani, Jeremy and Phil wind up in the bottom three. All of them look absolutely crazy at panel and seem more suited to a later season of Real World/Road Rules Challenge than a show about modeling. Jeremy is eliminated first, and cries a LOT about how he's let his mom down. And though I thought Phil was going to go the way of a fence post when hit by a thrown rock, it's actually Kanani who is the second elimination of the episode. On her way out, Marvin apologizes for the clowns.
We enter with the contestants returning home to find Cory's best-of-week video displayed as digital art. He stomps, he douses himself in Questionable body spray, he looks like a woman, which for once is okay. Marvin totally wants to do cross-dressed Cory, which frankly comes as very little surprise to me. Jeremy notes that the video serves as a sort of "rest in peace" tribute to Alex, who was eliminated last week. Jiana cries about being in the bottom two, noting that she was too close for comfort to elimination. And does anyone actually remember the show Too Close for Comfort with Ted Knight and a bunch of ladies and Jim J. Bullock? If Cory invites four women to share in his Tyra Suite I feel like they could do a modern reinterpretation. Instead, he just picks Jiana, feeling bad for her near-elimination depression. Just when you think that it's a missed opportunity, Phil enters in the Jim J. Bullock role, which is to say he just stands there and annoys everybody. He compliments Jiana on how hot she looks, then tries on some pants from the Guess closet and then gets on Cory's last nerve. We learn a few things. First, Jiana doesn't seem interested in being Phil's faux-second girlfriend anymore. Second, Phil has ADHD, which I guess explains some things.
We cut to Chris and Nina, talking in her bedroom. They were teamed on the last challenge and kissed each other as part of the shoot, which, wacka wacka. Nina interviews that Chris means a lot to her, and it's been nice to have him by her side. He tells her that he genuinely loves and cares for her and feels that the time they're partnered, they'll know that they'll kill it. Meanwhile, Cory lounges and sips from a Top Model mug and says he'd like to draw a map of who has the hots for whom and, in turn, who doesn't have the hots for whom. Jeremy says that he's not looking to hook up, and Cory calls bullshit on his Jourdan-loving ass. Jeremy explains that he and Jourdan are good friends, and have been paired up on a number of challenges in which they've had to maul each other, but she has a boyfriend and he's not trying to break up a relationship. Plus, she can't stand him… so there's that.
And then there's Marvin, who along with Don and Jeremy, decides to kill some time by pranking the girls. They have masking tape and tape shoes, panties, forks and other miscellany all around the girls' room. This is what happens when you don't give people access to TV and the Internet! It seems innocent now, but just you wait until Bozo is involved. Jourdan exclaims shock when she sees the tape but overall thinks it's funny, and none of the other girls seem too bent out of shape about it. This wasn't the reaction that the guys were hoping for, but Jeremy sees potential for future, more dastardly pranks related Renee and Kanani's fear of clowns. Little do they know the serious psychological implications that will occur! The girls sit together in the bathtub and talk about boys versus girls in the world series of love (and modeling), leading me to wonder why the guys don't put down the tape and spend more time figuring out how to be audience members for the ladies' group bubble baths. The ladies make a pack to stick together and try to get rid of the guys, which means a momentary truce between Renee and Jourdan at least.
The morning, the contestants head to JMJ Ranch where they meet Kelly Cutrone and fashion designer Jackie Fraser-Swan of the line Emerson. Kelly explains that Jackie's great great-great-grandfather is Ralph Waldo Emerson, which explains the name of the line. She doesn't address the fact that the name makes you think she's selling inexpensive 1980s electronics. In any case, today the contestants will divide into teams to create a campaign for Emerson, in which they'll do everything from concept to wardrobe to makeup to photos. Flixel is, of course, involved and Kelly tells them that they'll also have to incorporate Random Acts of Modeling, which is another stupid thing invented by Tyra that really makes no sense.
Cory, Kanani and Don are the team captains and choose their teammates one by one. Cory winds up with Jiana, Phil and Chris; Kanani's team has Renee and Jourdan; and Don's team has Marvin, Nina and Jeremy. Kanani opted to pass rather than pick Jeremy, because she thinks he's a weak competitor. The teams dig through the wardrobe racks, and Kelly informs them that Emerson is a women's line, meaning that the suits that are on the racks are non-Emerson basic background pieces. Cut to Don's team talking about a photo featuring just the three guys. Well okay, then. Marvin confirms for us that Jeremy is indeed a weak competitor and the team is worried about that, but they're hoping that if they work together well they can knock this photo shoot out. Cory's team seems to be working with a concept of "extraterrestrial on a farm." Phil wants to outfit himself in pants and suspenders only, but Kelly tells him that he needs a shirt. He comes back wearing a basic black shirt and says he feels like a fool, and pouts around for a while. Jiana seems to put some of this on his ADHD, along with the fact that he cuts the sleeves off of the shirt. Kelly sees him and asks, "Why did you destroy that shirt?" This is not happening on her set and she instructs him to go find another shirt and to "look clean," adding a frustrated, "My God." Phil confirms for us that yes, he has ADHD and sometimes it makes you impulsive and he occasionally goes nuts. You can have ADHD and also just sometimes be a jerk for regular reasons, though.
Kanani's team sets up their shot, in which they are three orphans adopted by a crazy family that makes them fix tractors. Or something. They have iPads set up on tripods, which is I guess how you make Flixel high fashion. The concept for Don's team is that Jeremy is a wealthy farm owner whose two farmhands are sleeping with his wife behind his back. I am not even going to get into the racial dynamics of this shot, but I will say that their photo looks good. Meanwhile, Cory poses as an alien from the planet Androgyny, while Jiana and Chris look surprised to see him there. Phil is taking the photo, but also decides that the Flixel element of the shot should be him running through the scene like a crazy person. Cory tries to veto it and Phil argues, and Chris tells us that the whole thing was frustrating because there were "too many chiefs and not enough Indians." Don's team gets a super-sick photo of all the guys and jumps around with happiness, not realizing that they're not featuring anything in the Emerson line.
Despite their historical differences, the ladies on Kanani's team are working well together with the goal of winning the challenge. Jourdan actually apologizes to Kanani and Renee for the great phone scandal of 2013, and Kanani tells us that now she can dislike Jourdan a little bit less. For Jourdan, I think that's a significant advancement. And then there's Cory's team. Cory does his alien pose as Phil straddles a fence, wielding a big stick. He's apparently getting ready to attack the alien but, as he says, "it didn't work out that great." That's because Phil falls off of the fence. He then chucks a rock he's holding in his hand in frustration, and it hits and breaks another part of the fence. "Why'd he do that?" someone whispers. I think that's a thing that people mutter aloud a lot when it comes to Phil. Chris points out that Phil could have killed a passerby, and also calls Phil an "eccentric guy." Coming from Chris, that's saying something.
With that, it's time for evaluations. Jackie likes that Cory's team took a risk, but says that their photos didn't really sell the brand the way she'd like to. What does she have against androgynous extraterrestrials in her pretty clothes? And by the way, Kelly voiceovers, damaging property will reflect poorly on their overall performance. Chris is quite upset that Phil compromised their chances by causing such a commotion. Kanani, Jourdan and Renee really sold the clothes, and their tractor-fixing photos look pretty fierce. And then there's Don's team. Kelly tells them that they had the best photo! But without women's clothing. So, basically, they are too dumb to win this challenge. Kanani's team takes it!
Back at the house we see the challenge scores. Kanani's team all get 9s, the members on Don's team get 7s and Cory's alien rock-throwers get 6s. While Phil feels okay about his score, saying that they'll just have to kill the photo shoot, Jiana is a little worried. She says that Phil is a good guy and a good model with a great personality, but he freaks out on set. Even more upset is Chris, who takes out his frustration on Jiana when he hears her sigh. She's all, "Are you gonna tell me when I can and cannot sigh?" Overall, she tells us, Chris is unpredictable and always stirring up shit. And also kind of a brat. He starts railing about how he hates when people roll their eyes and sigh, and Nina tells him to calm down and take a breather. He starts arguing with Nina, telling us that he's feeling attacked, which in turn puts him on the attack. The last straw seems to be when he yells that he's there for everybody, but no one is there for him. Nina's eyes get even bigger and filled with tears as she yells that she's there for him, and furthermore he's managed to upset the one non-confrontational person in the house, who also happens to be his only friend there.
Pretty much the entire house stands around and watches as Nina continues to be upset with Chris for going off on her when she was trying to get him to simmer down. Kanani interviews that Nina needs to snap out of it, because when it comes down to it, Chris is just worried about Chris. Marvin seems to be in agreement. He first tells Chris that when he snapped all of his anger got directed at Nina, who is the only person in the house who liked him in the first place, and then interviews that he'd rather Nina stay away from Chris, who can ultimately do a lot of damage to her and is already draining her emotionally in the middle of the competition.
But let's move away from these clowns and talk about… clowns. Jeremy reminds us that Renee and Kanani have big-time clown fears, and for the dudes' second prank they plan on infiltrating the ladies' bedroom with clowns. One is a singing wind-up clown, which must be designed to add extra terror to any situation. Phil is hoping that placing the clowns by the girls' beds will make them pee their pants or scream, but not inflict any particularly long-lasting trauma. And if there does happen to be trauma, it might work in the guys' favor in the competition. The screen goes black and then we hear screaming. It's Kanani, who is shown via night vision camera curling into a fetal position in her bed. As the dudes laugh and run away, she cries and asks someone to take it away. Jiana tells us that Kanani's fear of clowns is actually debilitating, and Kanani herself tells us that clowns make her think she's going to die. Her anxiety and stress is through the roof, and we see her take a puff on her inhaler to prove that things are really getting dire.
The morning, the models meet Johnny Wujek at Smashbox Studios for their riveting photo shot. It begins thusly: "So you may not know this, but Tyra has a fascination with nail art. She loves it, and wants you guys to take it to the level." So now we know that this is officially the day when America's Top Model ran out of ideas. The guys are first told to bring male energy to girly nails, and then everybody learns that their nail art will be Top Model themed. One bit of good news is that the models finally get to pose solo.
While hair, makeup and crazy nails are done, a gaggle of guys watches Chris strike out with Nina repeatedly. He even tries asking her for nail advice, and she just ignores him. Chris tells us that he hurt Nina's feelings and knows he messed up. He apologized, but apparently not hard enough. Jiana tells us that Nina has a weird savior complex, but people like Chris will just use her and drain her for everything she's worth. She seems like another voice added to the chorus that's glad to see Nina get some distance from him.
The photographer for the day is Franco Lacosta, who has allegedly shot for American Elle and Vogue Italia. A quick Google search shows that he's something of a "personality," which fits with what we see from him at this shoot. Jiana is up first with "Tooch Nails," and Franco tells her that he wants her to be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. She seems a little scared, and perhaps a wee bit confused as to what he wants when he tells her to fill her lungs. Nina has "Na na na Nails," in line with the show's theme song, but is having trouble performing because she's still so upset about Chris. Unsurprisingly, Franco yelling that he hates her mouth does not seem to help matters. He eventually tells her to get it together and do her job. Chris has "H-2-T Nails," which have chains hanging from them. He sees Nina and looks directly at her, thus freaking himself out. Franco tells Chris to be more present and in response he gets crazy eyes. Renee assures us that this is not a good thing.
Thank goodness we have Cory, who is all about posing with his "Tyra nails." He's worried that he looks girly, but Franco assures him that he does not. Franco wants Cory to think of the itsy bitsy spider as he taps his Tyra-decaled finger, and it all seems to work out quite well. We then get another installment in The Ballad of Jeremy and Jourdan. Jourdan takes flirty offense to Jeremy saying, "Remember when we kissed," and tells us that his immature jokes drive her bananas. She pushes him away in front of everyone, but then gets the slightest of smiles. Eventually she asks him, "Why are you so desperate and obsessed with me?" in full earshot of several models. This actually upsets him, and he comes back with, "You wonder why no one in the house likes you," which I think someone already said during the whole phone debacle. Jiana doesn't understand the whole Jeremy/Jourdan dynamic, which basically entails her being mean to him a whole bunch and him still wanting to bone her constantly.
During Jeremy's photo shoot, he's distracted by the Jourdan drama, and also can probably still hear her talking about how she's not in this competition to play smoochie-smooches with him. Johnny asks him to commit more, and Franco tells us that Jeremy lacked focus and seemed insecure. As he's trying to give Jeremy a beatdown/pep talk, Jourdan goes on and on about how even if she was single she wouldn't want to get with any of the other contestants. Franco calls for silence, and everyone does finally shut up. To emphasize his point, he tells them to remain silent. Even with the silence, though, Jeremy doesn't improve. Johnny says that on set he was a 19-year old boy with a crush on Jourdan and an inability to show off gaudy disgusting nails to high fashion effect. Things are not looking good for him.
Marvin is up with "Flawsome Nails" and Franco talks to him in Spanish. Or maybe it's some sort of hybrid Franco-language? He ends with an understandable "Muy bien," so I'm guessing Marvin did okay. Then there's Renee, who got saddled with "Pot Ledom Nails." I can live with "tooch," but will "pot ledom" never die? It is perhaps the stupidest thing ever to come out of this show, and that's including Super Smize. Renee seems to do just fine, and then Don is with "Fierce Nails," also known as "Monster Devil Nails." Franco tells him that he's fantastic.
And then there's Phil. He's got "XX20 Nails," which are sort of gold and copper and accentuate the gold leaf crown on his head. He theorizes that they're trying to make him look like Zeus or Jesus again. Can you imagine being typecast as JESUS? He struggles with being too sexy and feminine, and burying his thumbs in his beard, which is QUITE Christ-like. Kanani, meanwhile, is having residual post-traumatic clown disorder (PTCD). How can she possibly go on and pose effectively when she sees clowns on the shoulder of every professional in the room? Franco is frustrated that she's not more focused, while Don feels awful that he and the other boys terrorized her so with a wind-up clown doll. Meanwhile, where did they ever get a wind-up clown doll? And then there's Jourdan, who has "186 Countries Nails" nails. They are clearly the best nails, because instead of spelling out "pot ledom" in what looks like white out, they're covered in international flags. One of them does say "bitch," which is odd. In any case, Jourdan is not flapped by the kerfuffle with Jeremy, and in fact seems to grow stronger with every ounce of manly lifeblood she has drained from him. Johnny tells us that Jourdan has grown with confidence as the season has progressed, while Jeremy is like a lifeless nutsack. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house there is Skull Mail. The models learn that only nine will go through, which means that a double elimination is a-coming. Jeremy holds on to a punching bag and is concerned about his fate, while Kanani reminds us that she's in this competition for her one and a half year old daughter. She has a nine on the challenge, but low judges' scores could still mean that she's booted. Jiana is stressed and freaking out, as has been her custom for the last two episodes.
And then it's panel time, where Tyra looks quite lovely and I think finally has a half-decent wig. There are prizes, there are judges. Rob seems like he's in kind of a foul mood today (even though he claims the opposite), which complements Kelly's habitual foulness. Cory is up first for evaluation, with his Tyra Nails. Rob thinks he killed the shot, and Kelly says that he has a lot of masculine energy. Tyra agrees that the whole thing is slammin', and says that Cory did her proud. He gets a 10 from Rob and 9s from Kelly and Tyra. Rob also quite enjoys Don's shot, saying that he can do both commercial and editorial work because he appeals to everyone. Kelly isn't a fan, though, saying that she doesn't get fierceness from the shot. Tyra is in the middle, saying that the shot is stunning, but he could have upped the fierce factor. Don gets a 7 from Kelly, 8 from Tyra and 9 from Rob.
There is further debate over Kanani's picture. Kelly thinks she's fierce and strong and loves it, but Rob thinks she looks tired and dead-eyed. Tyra agrees with Rob, saying that it looks like a test shot while the lights are being adjusted. Bryanboy pipes in to say that fans don't approve of the lack of intensity in her eyes. Kanani gets a 9 from Tyra, but very low 5s from Tyra and Rob. Jourdan's photo is pretty great, and both Kelly and Rob rave about it. Tyra gives her demerits for having the neck of a turtle and emphasizes to all of the contestants how important it is to show their length. Jourdan gets 9s from Kelly and Rob and an 8 from Tyra. Then there's Jesus Phil. Rob thinks that his face looks too feminine, while Kelly says that he looks like a weird Roman crossdresser who got left in the lion's den. Tyra likes Phil's sultry eyes, but Bryanboy reports that his social media scores are especially low this week. Phil gets 7s from Rob and Kelly and an 8 from Tyra.
Jiana is , and Rob thinks that she killed her "Tooch Nails" shoot. Kelly isn't quite as thrilled, though. Tyra tells Jiana that she has a square face, which is beautiful, but she has to continue to find her angles instead of looking like pie. At least I think that's what Tyra said? Also, her social media scores are the lowest yet. Kelly gives Jiana a 7, Rob gives her a 9, and Tyra tries to stress her out even more by giving her a 5. Then there's Nina, who is a "No no no no no no," according to Kelly, who couldn't think of one magazine where this shot could be placed. Tyra likes Nina's angles, but thinks she could have done a bit more with it. A few fans posted a video nail tribute, which counts for zero points. Nina gets a 7 from Kelly, 8 from Tyra, and 6 from Rob. Nina's former paramour, Chris, gets really high marks from Rob, who thinks he looks masculine even with the nails. Kelly isn't crazy about his cross-eyes, though. Tyra agrees with Rob, saying that the photo is insanely gorgeous and makes her proud. Bryanboy reports that the fans don't care for it, but with the judges' scores it probably doesn't matter. Chris gets an 8 from Kelly, 9 from Rob and 10 from Tyra, who inexplicably really likes him.
is Renee. Kelly likes her sultry eyes and the shot overall. Rob notes that her photos are consistently mediocre, while Tyra thinks that her face is photographing bottom-heavy. Renee's social media scores are high for her, but still comparatively low when weighed against the rest of the group. She gets 7s from Tyra and Rob and an 8 from Kelly. Jeremy is up , and Tyra tells him that he looks nervous as hell about his "Booch Nails." And he should be! Kelly thinks his photo looks strained and like he's unsure of himself. Rob notes that the only thing that's gotten Jeremy through this far is apparently his body and with that out of the picture, he's crap. Tyra likes the softness to the photo and says that it's okay. The fans were not quite so merciful, though. Kelly and Rob both give him 5s, while Tyra gives him a 7.
Marvin is and Kelly tells him that he looks like a prisoner in the dungeon of the divine. I guess that's a good thing? Rob agrees that it's a crazy shot, saying that he looks like a top male working model. Tyra tells him in Spanish that she likes the photo a lot and that it's perfect. He gets 9s from Kelly and Rob and a 10 from Tyra.
With that, the scores are tabulated. Eleven beautiful models stand before Tyra, but she only has nine photos in her hands. And those photos represent the beauties who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. And really, after all these years, you kind of have to respect Tyra's loyalty to "towards." The highest scorer of the week and the first name called… is Jourdan. She got a whopping 9.2 fan vote and a total of 44.2 points. Marvin is called with a fan vote of 8 and a total of 43.0. Cory has a fan vote of 8.2 and a total of 42.2 points, followed by Chris with a fan vote of 6.8 and a total of 39.8, Don with a fan vote of 8 and a total of 39, Renee with a fan vote of 6.9 and a total of 37.9, Nina with a high fan vote of 8.9 and a total of 36.9, and Jiana with a fan vote of 7.3 and a total of 34.3.
This leaves Phil, Jeremy and Kanani in the bottom three. All of them look quite somber and glassy-eyed. Tyra tells Jeremy that she stands before him because he's stuck -- not getting worse, but not getting better. And also what's up with that blazer he's wearing? Eek. Kanani is a beautiful Latina Audrey Hepburn, and Tyra loved last week's picture. This week's picture, however, she loathed. Loathed, I tell you! Then there's Phil. The judges love his effervescent personality, but he needs to stamp it onto his photo. Also, stop throwing rocks and breaking shit and messing with Jiana's heart. So who has the lowest score? It's Jeremy, with a fan vote of 7 and 31 points even. He's the first to be eliminated, and looks like an even sadder puppy dog than when Jourdan tells him he's pathetic. A weeping Jeremy tells us that if he'd had more experience he might have made it farther. He worries that he let his mom down a little bit, but says that deep down knows she's proud of him. Jeremy gets super red-eyes when he cries, and also has a propensity for giving really exaggerated sighs. I am all for guys crying, but I have to admit that I cracked up at exactly how much of a sad sack he is at this moment. He was probably really hoping that this competition would be his one chance at devirginization.
And then it's time for the second elimination. This one is a close call, but in the end Phil is saved with a fan vote of 6.1 and total of 34.1. Kanani is eliminated, with a fan vote of 5.9 and a total of 33.9. She drops to the floor sobbing while Phil looks much relieved. Tyra crouches down to comfort a weeping Kanani, asking if she's pissed off. She tells Kanani to take her anger, sadness and disappointment and put it into every single picture in hopes of coming back into the competition. Kanani goes to hug the other models and a sobbing Marvin whispers, "I'm sorry about the clowns." Thanks for the comic relief, buddy! Kanani tells us that she's going to put her best foot forward, but even if she doesn't make it back into the competition she's going home with the same drive to make a better life for her daughter. She's teary, but has WAY more dignity than Jeremy in this moment.
week: Nobody likes Chris, everybody hates Chris, Chris should go eat worms.
Potes will not be satisfied until she witnesses the death of pot ledom. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.
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