Noooooooo, I'm not ready! I mean, okay, let's do this. So, Tyra has COMPLETELY changed things up, except for the fact that we have the same judges, the same sob stories, and the same general format for everything. But there are Y chromosomes! To be honest, it actually is kind of nice. And you know how it pains me to admit that sometimes Tyra does have good ideas.
So, Tyra and co. scoured warehouses throughout the United States to find the top 35 guys and girls to participate in this groundbreaking experiment. Rob thinks the whole thing is cool. I don't know if that's exactly how I'd describe it, given that we're in CYCLE EFFING TWENTY, but okay. Because this is such a special season, Tyra shows up at an early stage of casting callbacks, just to prove that even though there are dudes the screams will be just as ear-piercing whenever she walks into a room. She makes everyone strip down to their skivvies and walk, because that's her prerogative.
The whole thing is narrowed down to 35 semi-finalists, whom Tyra calls personally to let them know they will be privileged enough to share their tragic histories and personal demons with a national audience of tens. Segregated buses of men and women are delivered to an old theater where, in separate quarters, they get some crazy ghostly hair and makeup. It turns out they are going to participate in a masquerade ball runway show, where they'll walk down the runway in pairs, rip off their masks and kiss as a way of meeting each other for the first time. In lingerie, of course. Not that this whole season is going to be a giant sexy meat market orgy or anything. A photo will be taken at the end of the runway, which will be used by the judges for casting purposes.
We meet a few early notables during the masquerade ball. There is Alaskan plumber Delten, who is here to prove that plumber cracks aren't all bad; food truck Michael, whom Tyra discovered personally when she was getting a Choco Taco one day; virgin Jeremy; transgender Virgg; married and divorced at 18 Jourdan; and androgynous-non-manly-man Cory, who emerges as an early favorite. The masquerade runway is a little Phantom-y and awkward, though some of the contestants manage to remove their masks AND plant a kiss on their partner with aplomb. Cory is a genius and is the only dude to pick another man to walk with him down the runway, and bearded free-spirit Phil, chosen by Virgg, has no problem with the fact that he now knows all there is to know about the crying game. He may get annoying, but I'm going to say for the record that, at this point at least, I freaking LOVE Phil.
On casting interview day, we get to know a little more about virgin Jeremy, meet blonde and excitable Alexandra, learn that hot Ronald from Philly is kind of a jerk, grow to love Bronx Marvin (who in turn gets to love the fact that his dad is a janitor), suspect that Tyra knew what she was doing with food truck Mike, feel bad for homeless Chris H. (whose parents moved one day without telling him), crack up at free spirit Phil (even though Kelly thinks he's too much work), hear how Cycle 11's Isis was an inspiration to Virgg, appreciate Cory even more, and scowl with the judges as burly Don from Minnesota says he likes money, women, and attention in that order. Don does manage to freestyle a rap that rhymes tooch, smooch, and hooch, which redeems him somewhat.
The contestants meet at this season's house to learn who has made it through this round of cuts. We see that Adam, Bianca, Don, Nina, Jeremy, Cory, Jiana, Alexandra, Chlea, Jourdan, Renee, Caress, Chris H., Kanani, Marvin, Phill, Mike, and Virgg have made it, and numbers-wise there must be others. They are told that they can crash in the house for the night, but are going to move on to round two of casting, where Tyra will whittle the whole thing down to the final 16. Meanwhile, we bid adieu to Anjel, who didn't make it because her legs couldn't hold up her body; Lauren from Arizona, and hot hot Ronald from Philly, who I totally thought was going to win the whole thing based on his face alone.
Previously on America's Top Model: No boys allowed! We had nineteen seasons of estrogen, but now things have changed. Including, I'm sad to say, the quality of Tyra's wigs. Is she coming out with her own busted wig line? Is it lower rent than Star Jones wigs? In any case…DUDES! We get several seconds of long, lingering muscle shots and hear a few guys tell us that they want to be on top. Oooooh, is that soooooo? Tyra outlines the prizes and then confirms that there will only be one winner. It will be her, if she can find a decent wig again. I feel like this is some Jay Manuel hoodoo being enacted right before our eyes.
Anyway! The Top Model team scoured warehouses throughout the country to find their top 35 semi-finalists. We see male supermodel and judge Rob Evans and photo shoot creative consultant Johnny Wujek watching people strut down a makeshift runway at a casting call in L.A. Jeremy, 19 and from Mission Viejo, CA (whose purity status will soon be unveiled) tells us that a lot of the dudes at the casting aren't "guy-guys." They're feminine, as opposed to him, who lifts weights and watches football and does not have sex with ladies. Oh, wait.
Casting boys was so epic that Tyra made a stop at callbacks in New York City. There was much screaming and hullaballoo, and she explained that she was making an appearance at this early stage because she's "so" "excited" about this XX/XY situation. I think she thinks that she invented men. The contestants strip down to their underwear and walk for Tyra, because it is her professional responsibility to watch half-naked young people. We see her ask Chris H., about whom we will learn a LOT in the coming hours, why he wants to be a model. He says that life has been hard on him, in part because his mom had him when she was fifteen. He cites an apparently well-known saying that I have never heard before -- "fall down seven times, get up eight." What if you fall an eighth time, though? What do you do then? Blonde and excitable Alexandra tells us that she got rear-ended in New York City and spent eight hours in the emergency room. That did not stop her from putting pancake on her bruises and strutting her hot bod in front of Tyra, though! Triumph of the spirit!
From the comfort of her own closet, Tyra calls the 35 semi-finalists personally to let them know they've moved on to the stage of this charade, and we see grainy video showing their excitement. "Are you ready for the first ever guys and girls Top Model?" asks Tyra. No. No I am not. It's freaking AUGUST and I want to enjoy my FRIDAY NIGHTS. Gah.
The 35 semi-finalists arrive in L.A., and we meet Delten. He's a plumber from Alaska, and we see a beefcake pose of him under the sink. No stereotypical crack, sadly. This is his start getting into the industry, such as it is. The guys pile onto a bus, and we meet 27-year old Mike. Ah, Mike. Tyra discovered him serving ice cream (and melting it with his smoldering hotness) on a food truck. He served her up a Choco Taco, she took a picture of his cute self smiling, and it was like a little wonderful present to all of us. Daniel, 23 from Staten Island, does a rap about his own swagger and tells us that he's a huge fan of the show. He's got a little Vinnie Barbarino edge to him. The dudes all wonder where the girls are, for a mixture of competitive and horny purposes.
And then, hey! It's the girls! They arrive at a big old theater in downtown L.A., and settle in to get makeup and hair done. Nina, 18 from Berkeley Heights, NJ, is surprised at exactly how quickly they're being thrown into this. We meet Renee, 24 from Fort Lauderdale, who is Miss Trinidad and Tobago International. She's confident in her abilities, which is a sure sign that she'll go home early. Meanwhile, men get to the theater and have their hair and makeup done in a different area. Johnny visits both the men and the women to tell them that they're going to start this shit with a masquerade ball runway show, in which they'll meet each other for the first time. Caress, 23 from Woodbridge NJ, does a little "Boyyyyyyys!" dance for us, which does nothing to distract from the fact that her name is a verb.
Johnny continues, explaining that this will be a very theatrical and avant garde couture lingerie fashion show. You got that? They'll have to walk to the end of the runway in pairs, and kiss their partner. The judges will be in the audience, and this show will be a big part in determining who moves on to the round. A photo will be taken at the end of the runway, which the judges will also use as part of their evaluation. Johnny tells us that tonight is all about figuring out who has personality - e.g., which drama queens and kings will shout nasty things at each other and make the show interesting.
Cute, pillow-lipped Marvin tells his stylist that if he got caught with this much makeup in his neighborhood, he wouldn't exist anymore. We learn that he's 20 and from the Bronx, and was bullied for his entire life. His past sucks, but he says that he's looking forward. The aforementioned Jeremy notes that his eyes are watering, leading some dude who is either a stylist or a contestant to ask if he's a makeup virgin. The dude THEN asks if Jeremy is any other kind of virgin. He must be a plant, right? Jeremy is uncomfortable, but admits that he is. He's a strong Christian, and he believes in waiting for marriage. However, he tells us, he's a real ladies man and can't wait to meet the girls. If you keep saying it, it might just become true, little friend!
As the girls get corsetted up, transgender contestant Virgg, 19 from La Habra CA, talks with the stylist to make sure that her junk is not at risk of falling out on the runway. She tells us that she was born male, but is transitioning. She's proud of the transgender label, and is going to own it. What she should disown is that name. We then meet Jourdan, also 19 and from Bend, Oregon -- a place where I have been! -- who says that she has no talents other than modeling, and getting married and divorced at age 18. She seems like a real dullard, but certainly is pretty. And then there's Ronald, 20 from Philadelphia, who doesn't care to wear clothes. Looking at his body, that is just fine with me. He tells us that he's a fighter with a lot of charm, and when he goes for things he wins. He is SO hot that it pains me how clueless he turns out to be. Not a jerk (though things could change) is Cory, 22 and also from Philly, who thinks the fact that he's relatively androgynous and edgy amongst a field of manly men is going to make him stand out. Whoever thought THAT would be the case on this show?
And then a dude who stepped out of Dangerous Liaisons takes the stage to begin the show, starting with introductions of the judges. And yes, bad news, Bryanboy and Kelly Cutrone are still there. Rob and Johnny sort of make up for them. And then belle of the ball Tyra walks out with an insane outfit and a lace mask over her eyes, and tell me I'm not the only one who was REALLY hoping that she'd trip walking down the huge staircase during her entrance. Backstage, scantily clad models pace nervously until the Vicomte de Valmont calls them out, girls on one side and guys on the other. 19-year old Kanani, from Chicago, is happy to have some testosterone floating at her from across the runway. Once everyone is in place, the Vicomte instructs the models to remove their clothes. Not ALL of the clothes, but the capes and superfluous shirts and whatnot. The masks stay on for the moment, but that doesn't stop the rush of sexytimes hormones that is going to turn this season into one big grody orgy.
The show beings as the Vicomte points to female model Lauren, and tells her to choose a companion to take down the runway. She goes with Jeremy, who instantly gets a boner. At the end of the runway, Lauren rips off her mask, and then shares a very awkward kiss with Jeremy. Lauren, who is 19 and from Mesa Arizona, tells us that she does not have a significant other and is excited about that, as well as the opportunity to devirginize sweet little Jeremy. Nina is told to choose a walking pal, and goes with big, muscly, tattooed Don. She tells us that she's a very awkward person, so needed a big ol' beefcake to accompany her and distract from that fact. Don is 25 from Minneapolis, and says that the dudes on the show are here to prove to us ladies that they're not just mannequins. Oh, the oppression that male models have faced lo these long years! Nina and Joe also have an awkward runway kiss, and like Jeremy and Lauren before them it stems from being too eager. Nina tells us that it is her professional duty to kiss a hot dude with tattoos, so there. Overall I find Nina to be pretty enjoyable, which is how it usually is with the quirky ones.
Chris S. is tapped . He's 24 and from Houston, and picks Anjel to walk with him. He thinks she's fierce, likely because she's so skinny, but it turns out that she walks like a baby deer taking its first steps. She doesn't fall, but it's a bit of a nail biter. To try to distract from Anjel's horrible runway performance, Chris lays a big ole' sensual kiss on her and tells us that she could turn a gay man straight. If only Miss J. was here to fan himself. Marvin and Hayley walk, and he forgets himself for a minute and stares straight down into her boobs after they kiss. Oh, young Marvin. Ronald and Kanani walk, which gives Ronald an opportunity to talk about his bronze muscles, charisma, and charm. Kanani really knows how to kiss, which makes sense when you realize she's the 19-year old with a kid. Daniel walks with Renee, who throws an emphatic leg around him when they kiss, and Mike and Jenna take an uneventful pass together, as do Adrian and Jiana.
Then it's Virgg's turn. I was SO nervous here, but Virgg didn't appear to be at all. She points to Phil, who walks his hairy chest down the runway with her. At the end, Virgg calculates a strategy for getting noticed that entails wiping her lipstick all over her face before kissing Phil. Phil is into it, and gives a swipe at his own bare lips too. Phil, 24 from Lanesborough Mass, tells us that he's a free spirit, and doesn't seem to mind his suspicion that there's a 37% chance he kissed a dude. Jourdan towers over tiny little Justin, 24 from Hickory North Carolina, who suspects that his girlfriend is going to be none too excited about the spit-swapping at runway's end.
And then it's time for Cory to pick a partner. He takes a moment and surveys the ladies before spinning around and choosing Rhyan, who is also a dude. And…GENIUS. Genius! It's extra genius because it's authentic, and also because it's hot. They share a kiss, and Johnny gives a hoot. Cory tells us that confidence is key in anything you do, boo. I would likely not object if they hired him as the new Miss J. Delten then walks with Ashley, and gives her a boring kiss on the cheek. BOO. Adam caresses Caress with his tongue. And then Chris H. is the last dude, and is faced with four single ladies in front of him. He chooses Saydi and Lanaeya, one on each arm, and at the end of the runway is rejected by one and mauled by the other. No wonder he's so confused about how social interactions work. Finally, Bianca, 18 from Los Angeles, and Chlea, 20 from Bear, Delaware, have to walk together down the runway together. Bianca is a little embarrassed about not being picked by anyone, but Chlea doesn't seem to mind. She tells us that she wants to be the female Diddy, and also is obviously insane.
Girl-crazy Marvin is up , and Tyra tells him that he looks like a baby in person but a man on film. Kelly would put him in a fashion show tomorrow, and says that he's just adorable. Tyra asks Marvin to talk about his dad, who is a janitor. This is something that Marvin was ashamed of for a long time, and he says that he used to try to pretend he'd live in a different building because other kids made fun of him. I mean…it's not like his dad was freaking Dexter. Marvin's living situation was rough, with Ronald and his seven brothers living in a one-bedroom apartment with cockroaches and rats. Poor, sweet Marvin. Rob tells Marvin that he needs to call his dad up and tell him how much he appreciates him. Rob says he didn't know his dad growing up, and Tyra underscores that Marvin's dad came to this country willing to do anything to better the lives of his kids. And then Marvin came on this show and all of his effort was for naught. Marvin cries, and shouts with pride that his dad is a janitor. We see a photo of Marvin's dad, and then I start crying too. Dammit.
And then it's time for everyone to get better acquainted with food truck Mike, aka the ice cream man. He gives Tyra a, "How YOU doin'?" because he is suave like that, then tells the panel his origin story. Basically, he was doling out the swirl in the truck when two ladies came up to get some ice cream, and the taller one of the two asked him if he's ever done any modeling. And then a light bulb went off over his pretty head and he realized it was Tyra. Johnny encourages Mike to take off his hoodie and show off his sweet, toned body, like male models should do in a casting. Kelly wonders if girls ask Mike out on the food truck, and the answer is duh. Mike is a little tight in the mouth in his picture, and Kelly would like to see him learn how to better work his beautiful bod in a photograph.
And then there's boring Jourdan. It turns out she's 6'1", and also her dad had a drug and alcohol problem. Once he got sober, he started drug testing Jourdan and her sisters. With such a strict upbringing Jourdan rebelled, and thus the marrying and divorcing at 18. She regrets the whole experience, but it makes her stronger. The judges love Jourdan's photo even though her face looks kind of weird. After she leaves, the judges talk about how beautiful her face and athletic body are, but Kelly says that she needs some help in the self-confidence department.
And then it's time for the crazy losers montage! Except that some of the crazies actually end up making it on the show. Chlea says she has a booty like Nicki Minaj, but real. I personally may not be ready for that jelly. Poor Anjel comes in, and Tyra says she's never seen a girl as uncomfortable in heels. Her legs are sort of bending one way and then the other like pipe cleaners, and Rob theorizes that they're not strong enough to hold her body up. This is not a good thing. Tyra stands to Chris S., who is 5'8" in reality, but 5'10" and a quarter to the world. Nina hula hoops. Of course she does. And then there's sexy dancing on the part of the male models. Tyra tells a dude named Nick that his eyebrows are very nice, and he cops to getting them waxed before he came. There is some boxing, but sadly none of the judges get knocked out.
Then it's time for Chris H.'s interview. Tyra points out that he's been homeless, and Chris H. tells the tale of how his family moved from their apartment without telling him on his 18th birthday. So he slept on the streets and in shelters and also apparently in public libraries. He tells us that it's embarrassing, but it made him stronger. Kelly thinks that Chris looks like a model, and is a beautiful, Gaultier-esque young man. In his photo he looks moody, which Kelly says is a good thing.
Back in the holding room, Virgg tells Phil that she picked him because her boyfriend has a lot of chest hair and she likes it. He theorized as much. And then Phil -- who is wearing a knit cap, capri pants, a Sargent Pepper jacket, and duct taped shoes -- gives a truly delightful interview, except for one hairy part. He kicks his heels together upon entering, then tells the judges that the duct tape is both fashionable and purposeful, and if he takes it off his soles will flap. Phil tells us that a lot of people question the unconventional way that he does things. Rob says that he takes a better picture than he looks in person, and Phil seems okay with that. He adds, "Look at that. That's fierce. Both of us locked, loaded. Like, what are we looking for? We're hungry. We've gotta eat." He then says that he kissed something other than a girl, which made me a little nervous because: something? It's not the greatest moment. But then there's some redemption. Phil says he's totally straight and Kelly goes, "Maybe you're bi." In response, Phil says, "Maybe I AM, you know Maybe. I liked it." Kelly loves Phil's honesty, but says that he'd be a handful on a photo shoot and is TMW -- too much work.
Then we have Virgg, who opens by saying that she's transgender. Virgg's birth name is Stephen Oliver Virgin, which is where the "Virgg" comes from. We see kid pictures, and Virgg says that she was always very feminine, and never identified with men. In her mind, she always knew she was a woman and was attracted to men. She had a hard time in school, and says that Cycle 11's Isis helped her a lot, and made her realize that she wanted to start transitioning to avoid becoming "burling and masculine and…gross." We learn that Tyra discovered Virgg through an Instagram contest, and thinks she has something very special. Virgg struts in a swimsuit and tells all of the kids who were so nasty and mean to her to suck it.
we have Cory, who tells us that he's throwing it all out to the universe with this experience, and also is excited to take on all the bitches. Tyra instantly commends Cory for being the only dude to choose another man, and he says that he wanted to be true to himself for the first time America would get to see him. Growing up, Cory didn't know who he was, and got picked on a lot. One of the names that jerk kids would use to pick on him was "Tyra." Tyra takes a minute to tell those kids to suck it, then drops it like it's hot with her namesake Tyra Jr. Cory interviews that he thinks he and Tyra are going to become very good friends. Rob thinks that Cory's photo is a little over the top, and he needs to be more relaxed. Cory sings on his way out, because he's crazy like that.
Then there's Don, who is a rapper and club promoter. Johnny asks what are the three most important things in his life, and he says, "Money. Women. And attention. And they all three go hand in hand." The judges actually physically recoil from him, and Rob notes that it's a recipe for disaster. Tyra says that Don has a girlfriend, which makes his claim that women are the second most important thing in his life suspect. Don says that it's a constant battle, which his girlfriend must love to hear. Tyra asks if he cheats, and though he claims he does not, Kelly isn't buying it. Don deflects this uncomfortable line of questioning with a rap: "They give me a tooch and then I give them a smooch and then I take 'em to their room and I treat her like a hooch." For some reason, the judges are impressed by Don's ability to form a perfect rhyme about being a sleaze.
We get brief footage of a dance party in the holding room, and Lauren tells us that guys and girls together is not just nuts, it's macadamia nuts. I'm allergic to macadamia nuts, so this does not sound appealing to me at all. Then Kanani goes before the judges, and tells them how her family sold Cuban food and opened a candy shop on her front porch to get her to the casting. Kanani has a one year old daughter, and is on the show to ensure that she grows up differently than Kanani herself did. Tyra notes that Kanani looks very elegant in her photo, though a bit stiff. Kanani tells us that if this doesn't work out, it's back to making $4.95 an hour. What is the minimum wage in Illinois? Can someone notify the federal government?
With that, the judges have narrowed down the 35 to 26. The contestants all go to the souped up house for the season, where Bryanboy points out a fence full of masks. If the models find their faces on a mask, they're moving forward. If not, they're going home. Everyone is nervous, and the extra adrenaline is helpful for when they rush the fence. We see Adam, Bianca, Don, Nina, Jeremy, Cory, Jiana, Alexandra, Chlea, Jourdan, Renee, Caress, Chris H., Kanani, Marvin, Phil, Mike, and Virgg get masks. Poor Anjel didn't make it, and hopefully doesn't have to walk all the way home to New Orleans on those toothpicks. Lauren also didn't get chosen, which is Macadamia nuts. And beautiful but dumb Ronald gets axed as well, and sent back to do more swampy high fashion photo shoots in Philly.
With the losers out of the way, Bryanboy tells the models that they'll be crashing in the house for the night. But they shouldn't get too comfortable, since not all of them will be there permanently. The second phase of casting will happen the day, to determine the final 16. As Renee says, let the games begin!