Well, folks, we cashed in all of our collective hopes and prayers, but despite it all I'm sorry to report that no models actually plummeted to their deaths during this episode. It's the way of Tyra Banks to get our hopes up and then dash them by letting her contestants emerge unscathed. Still, though, the models had to participate a fashion show for Guess that involved walking down the side of a building in torrential rain. This was their challenge for the week, and they all managed to look really, really dumb. But some fared better than others. Renee, Marvin and Cory in particular managed to turn it out fairly well and pop a collar whilst doing the horizontal walk. All of the others basically fell on their butts a lot and sort of scooted down in a herky-jerky manner.
Mike got one of the lowest scores, but it wasn't actually for his lack of building-scaling proficiency. Rather, he walks like he has the Empire State Building between his legs, and is overall one stiff mofo. Bianca couldn't manage to get her body horizontal, and so just sort of floated down on her holster, posing all the while. The judges were not impressed. Chlea also fared poorly, but her real blunder came when she started to give Kelly Cutrone pointers about being more personable. You can guess how well that went over. In the end, Renee took the challenge and won the key to the Tyra Suite and access to the Guess closet, which is like a little tacky store.
Meanwhile, Marvin emerged as the frontrunner in straight up horndog-ness. He went around shouting that he had one condom and wanted to use it, and it would only take five minutes, which is not exaaaactly the way to get the ladies. He took a particular shine to Bianca, who took a particular shine to Mike. And I'm guessing that Mike and Bianca totally boned, when he wasn't busy getting hilariously wasted and falling asleep in the confessional.
The photo shoot for the week was designed to traumatize Jourdan, and featured the contestants in various configurations positing for "alternative wedding" editorials. All season they're going to be using something called Flixel, which makes part of a photo move while the rest stays still, and generally is designed to give you a headache.
Also, Tyra will be doing makeup this season, because there's nothing she can't do, except have a singing career or a successful talk show. In any case, Jeremy and Jordan posed as a nudist couple, which surfaced his worry that being a virgin will prevent him from successfully acting naked. While his photo turned out okay, Jourdan was a stiff dullard, per usual, and attributed some of that to traumatic memories of her brief marriage. Jiana emerged as a secretly fierce competitor in a jowly lesbian wedding photograph, Chris H. and Don rocked it as a gay couple, and Phil convincingly got married to a remote control.
Social media scores will once again be the "fourth judge" for the season (and if this is really a democratic process, can we elect someone other than Bryanboy to represent us?), and once the final scores were tallied Chris H. was called first for his convincing portrayal of a sensitive gay groom. Mike, Chris S. and Bianca were all in the bottom. Bianca got the axe for failing to stand out in a polygamist wedding, which seems a little unfair, while Chris S. couldn't overcome his wee-ness and tendency to look like a hip hop lesbian and was also sent home. The ice cream man lives (to amuse us with his with his drunken antics) another day!
PreviouslyonAmerica's Top Model: There were dudes! Including love of my life, Phil. The sixteen XX and XY finalists were named, and learned they'd have to walk down a fierce Guess runway for CEO Paul Marciano. And that runway started at the top of the building. If they were really prepared to walk horizontally down the side of the building, their Spidey sense would have already been tingling.
We enter with the contestants freaking out about the building-scaling runway show, which they learn will also be their challenge. Tyra explains how challenge and photo shoot scoring will work, which follows the same format is last year: on both challenges and photo shoots the models will get a score from one to ten, and for the photo shoot the "fourth judge" will be we, the people. And how is it that I, who know all there is to know about America's Top Model, never know when the photos are up online and ready to succumb to my scathing votes? In any case, the judges' score, challenge score, and social media score all added together will determine who goes home. It is VERY scientific, obviously.
But back to the challenge proper! The ladies are a little alarmed by the fact that they'll be wearing heels, and Tyra tells them that it's mind over matter. Is it REALLY, though? Don tells us that his one fear in life is heights, and asks God to be with him. I think God abandoned this show sometime around when Toccara got eliminated. Remember how she used to keep a rotisserie chicken by her bed? Convenient midnight snacking is to godliness. And… credits. Judging by the new opening, the theme for this cycle is "Eyes Wide Shut." Fidelio!
After the credits, Chris S. is the first model we hear from, which means he's sure to be a goner. He tells the girls to watch out, because he's taking the competition. Chris S. declares himself to be a southern rebel who's quirky and energetic, and says that he started modeling at fourteen. Peaked early, eh? We then hear from Bianca, indicating that she also is clearly a goner. The editors need to mix up the formula once in a while. Bianca has been modeling for as long as she can remember, has uber-cute hair, and lacks a fear of heights. She tells the boys to watch out -- advice they will not heed, because they all want to bone her. We then hear from Mike, certain to have a disastrous week but squeak through on the strength of his ice cream service skills alone, who tells us that he dropped out of college after his first semester and started touring full-time in bands. And then of course he wound up on the ice cream truck, which is a subliminal clue to stay in school, kids. He never considered modeling, but when you're scouted by Tyra Banks, you give it a shot.
As Renee gets her hair done, Kelly and Bryanboy stop by to ask her which of her competition she's most afraid of. She doesn't hesitate to say Jourdan, and elaborates that Jourdan is just straight-up gorgeous. Bryan asks which of the guys she wants to get with, but Renee tells us that the dudes are just a distraction and she's here to win the competition. Kelly, Bryan and Johnny ask Marvin who he'd most like to get with, and the answer is Bianca. Marvin calls himself Rico Suave, which is our first clue that he's not getting laid, at all, ever. When Kelly and Bryan ask Bianca who she thinks is cutest in the house, she admits to being into Mike. Mike in turn has a little thing for Bianca, and I could maybe get invested in this love triangle if the outcome weren't already so clear.
In more serious matters, Don is freaking out. He tells us that he was brutally attacked in 2009, and in fact has post traumatic stress disorder. Any time he feels like he's out of control of a situation, his mind snaps back to the incident. I like that we're getting some more shades of Don that don't just involve him being a shady womanizer. Then there's Chlea. She's not afraid of heights. Nor, apparently, is she afraid of Kelly Cutrone. When Kelly stops by, Chlea says that she hears bad things about her -- that she's tough and mean. Kelly goes, "Uh huh," which sounds nothing at all like, "What do you think I should do to address that, and could you please punctuate your remarks with a hilarious lisp?" Chlea gives the unsolicited opinion that Kelly's delivery might be the problem, and Kelly cuts her off by saying she wasn't asking for advice and also good luck. Spoiler alert: she didn't mean the "good luck" part. It IS going to be fun to watch Kelly take Chlea down.
Jessica Hart, who is a model and the former face of Guess, is on hand to judge the challenge along with Rob. Neither Tyra nor Paul Marciano are anywhere to be found in this segment, which shows the relative importance of this show to both of them. The model with the highest score will win the key to the Tyra Suite and Guess closet, and get to keep a head to toe outfit that makes you look like a whore who remains stuck the 1990s, when whoring was couture. As rain and thunder begins, the models get some walking-down-a-building tips from stuntman Casey Adams. Cory tells us that it's going to require good core and leg strength, and of course an ability to be fierce under pressure. I know I often say I hope that one or more of the models will plummet to their deaths, which is horrible and not actually true. In reality, I hope that the models plummet to near-deaths, requiring months of physical therapy and an Elephant Man-esque visage. That's better, right? I mean, I'm not a monster.
Chris S. and Nina are first to head out to the building-scaling runway, and Nina tells us she's freaking out because it's raining hard and is quite cold. She wonders how the hell she's going to pull it off, and steps to the edge of the building's roof. As Johnny and a few of the models watch on a monitor backstage, Chris and Nina prepare to be released into the horizontal position. Chris glides down in what seems like a controlled manner, while Nina all of a sudden is yanked backwards. It's no "plummeting to lifelong injury," but maybe she at least twisted an ankle? Down in the crowd, Byranboy just laughs and laughs. Eventually Nina gets to the front of the building, but she's just sort of dangling in the air, which can't feel very safe. Jourdan reminds us that the ladies are at a disadvantage since they're wearing huge, slippery platform heels. Eventually Nina gets in good position, and she and Chris both look fairly decent walking down the building. They then strut on the regular runway, and Chris S. tells us that his height of 5'10" and a quarter tends to be a little small for runway, but he kills it editorially. Phil then weighs in with what we all know - that there's no way Chris S. is 5'10".
Speaking of Phil, he is to walk, along with Kanani. She's hoping that the cord holding her doesn't snap, since she has a kid to live for. Happily, neither of these two die. Jourdan is , and is nervous at being paired with Chris H. since he's been at the center of so much drama. Unless he decides to punch her cock when they're halfway down the building, I think she'll be fine. Jourdan's plan is to "kick these boys's butts" and show them that "this is not a place for boys." The dialogue truly gets more and more sophisticated with each passing cycle. Chris H. walks like a zombie, much to Rob's delight. Jourdan kind of swings around and her butt hits the wall, much to my delight. She tells us that she fell a few times, but she got back up and that's all that counts. Is it, though?
Cory and Jiana are , and while Jiana initially has a hard time of it, Cory has got his building-scaling walk under control. He pops a collar and looks right at the camera, and Jessica is impressed. Then there is Don and Chlea. Don looks as terrified as he claims to be, and is just trying to hold it together and not have a panic attack. His attempt is not helped by Chlea, who keeps falling and screaming. Don looks very relieved when he finally gets to the ground. Then there's Mike, who wants to get off to a good challenge start as he walks down the building with Alexandra. He instantly falls, and she instantly falls, and Jessica wonders if they've both actually chosen to go down headfirst. Alexandra does this weird thing with her hair as she's coming down, which Kelly Cutrone mocks behind the scenes. Jessica and Rob then get to make fun of Mike, who has a very intriguing signature walk. Jessica says that he walks like he's literally got something stuck between his legs. Maybe one of his testicles is at this moment retreating into his body? Kelly concurs.
Then we have Renee and Jeremy. Renee's grandmother died about nine years ago, but always told her that she could do anything she put her mind to. This includes walking down the side of a building! She does a very nice, controlled job, and Jeremy I suppose is at least not dead. It's then time for Bianca and Marvin. Marvin is killing it, probably because he's hoping that Bianca will bone him when they get to the ground. But Bianca is having mad struggles, and can't manage to get horizontal. So she just starts posing as the ropes drop her to the ground, leading Jessica to opine, "This chick is not so much." This does not bode well. Marvin feels good and confident, though, and tells us what amazing natural chemistry he and Bianca have. IN HIS MIND.
With the runway show over, Jessica and Rob give their critiques. Rob says that Bianca and Mike stood out for all the bad reasons. Bianca gave up, and Mike was too stiff and not confident enough. The two who stood out in a positive way were Marvin, who looked relaxed and effortless, and Renee, who was confident and had amazing runway poses. It was close, but Renee wins the challenge. She's quite happy.
The contestants go home, where they see their challenge rankings displayed. Bianca and Mike are right at the very bottom, which will likely serve as another point of bonding slash mutual sympathy making out. Meanwhile, Renee picks Kanani to join her in the Tyra Suite, where they can both be surrounded by images of Tyra and have feverish nightmares involving bad wigs. They enter the Guess closet, which is like boutique, and gush over the wares within.
Meanwhile, Bianca really likes Mike. She likes him so much that she wants to take him home to mommy because he's so cuuuuuuuute. While this love-fest is beginning, Marvin walks around saying that he has one condom in his possession and it's going to expire the following week. Bianca walks by and says, "Don't look at me," thus dashing Marvin's hopes and dreams. He actually goes into Chlea's room and tries to mount her, to which she dismisses him with a curt, "Get off me." Chlea then tells us that Marvin has no game, which is a true fact. To wit, Marvin goes into Bianca's room and asks if she wants to go spend five minutes with him in the Tyra Suite, since five minutes is all he needs. She dies laughing, and Marvin tells us that Bianca is definitely feeling him, just like every girl in the house is feeling him. Phil says that five-minute Marvin would work for him, and it is thrilling to see the beginnings of yet another glorious romance in action.
With that, there is Tyra Mail: "To make it to the top is a life long commitment. Fierce and Love, Tyra." The contestants notice that in Tyra's still photo her hair is blowing, which is not inconsequential. When they show up at the shoot, Tyra is there. She commends them on their wall-walking commitment, and then asks them if they're still committed enough to the process to get married. Jourdan reminds us yet again that she got married and divorced at eighteen, which was the biggest mistake of her life. She's not anxious to relive the situation. Luckily, there is nothing legally binding here, unless Marvin tricks Bianca like Miss Piggy did to Kermit in The Muppets Take Manhattan.
Johnny explains that they'll be posing together to create "alternative wedding editorials." Tyra does some sort of DJ remix motion, because she's really cool and on the cutting edge. She then explains that her Tyra Mail photo was given its hair-blowing glory by something called Flixel, which will be used for the contestants' photos every week. It turns out that Tyra has heavily invested in Flixel, which is like the "Shake Ya Body (Body)" of apps. So, thanks for the season-long advertisement. Tyra will also be doing makeup this season, because she's got a lot of time on her hands.
Hair and makeup happens, as does flirting. Chlea seems to have taken a shine to Jeremy, and Phil talks about all the distractions this season, and how some of the contestants are having a tough time controlling their hormones. Chris H. asks Marvin who he'd marry for real, and he points to Bianca, who is conveniently nestled in the crook of his armpit. Chris asks if he's most attracted to Bianca, and Marvin says, "Currently." Way to keep your options open, Five-Minute Marv. Bianca isn't sure how such a marriage would pan out, since Marvin is a Scorpio. Marvin says that they're not compatible, but there is sexual tension there. Bianca adds a polite, "Yeah, definitely," even though she doesn't really mean it. She then transitions to talking about how cute Mike is, and Marvin takes his arm off of her. Mike in turn tells us that Marvin wants to get with every girl in the house and it's never going to happen since he's going about it completely the wrong way. We'll get treated to Mike's A+ game in a little while. It also happens that Chris H. and Nina have a little thing for each other. When asked who he'd marry, Cory correctly says, "Oh my God, none of these people."
Jiana is the lucky lady who gets the benefit of Tyra's makeup artistry today, and Jiana calls Tyra her "fashion spirit guide." She learns a thing or two, including what it means to be burned up on your hairline. Tyra and Jiana have the same color eyes, which may be why Tyra feels comfortable caking so much makeup on her lids.
Johnny announces that Jeremy and Jourdan will be paired for a nudist wedding, which elicits cheers from the rest of the bunch. Jeremy feels awkward both because of his crush on Jourdan (e.g., the inevitable boner) and because of the fact that he is a virgin, so how is he supposed to convincingly be naked? Once he enters the world of the fornicators and walks around naked all the time, as is our custom, he'll really be able to nail the role. He exclaims that it's not funny even though, in fact, it's quite funny. Douglas Friedman is the photographer for the day, and has no idea what he's in for with these clowns. Johnny explains that the Flixel motion will occur in the waving grasses covering up Jeremy and Jourdan's naughty bits, so they really have to sell this shot in the face.
The first direction that the photographer has to give the two models is, "Happier!" Johnny tells them to try harder to look like they're in love. He's frustrated with Jourdan, who is something of a physically perfect specimen but doesn't have the confidence (or, I'd add, the personality) to do anything but stand there looking pretty and bored. As they take a break, Douglas asks if this is the first marriage for both of them. What a completely impromptu question! How spontaneous and off the cuff! Of course Jourdan has to explain that she WAS married, and looks quite uncomfortable at the few follow-up questions. She explains to us that it's a terrible memory she doesn't want to relive, and she has all the baggage and emotions that accompanies an ex-husband who treated you poorly. Eventually, though, she panics her way into looking less miserable, and the two get a decent shot. Mark Hozma, the co-founder of Flixel, is on hand to show how to make the grasses move, and Douglas pretends to be interested in how his picture is being tainted by superfluous technology.
Mike and Alexandra are , with a shotgun wedding. She tells us that she's nervous to pose with Mike, since he has no idea what he's doing. That's actually a good instinct, since he's stiff right off the bat posing with Alexandra, her baby bump, and her three other mixed-race children. All of the direction from Johnny and Douglas is directed at Mike, and Johnny tells us that he's a handsome guy but needs to come into his own. The adorable little kids are killing it, though.
Backstage, Kanani gets her makeup done by Tyra in preparation to shoot with Jiana, Tyra's other makeup project. They're having a same sex wedding, wherein Jiana is posing in a fierce suit and Kanani gets a poufy dress. Johnny asks for passion with high fashion edge, and Jiana is definitely giving it. We head backstage again, where Tyra gives the following advice: "Be fierce. Be smize. Tooch if necessary." BE SMIZE. She then tells the boys that she doesn't want to see them booching. What does that even mean? If you know, please email me, because I am confuzzled. Just when I thought I'd cracked the code.
Cory and Chlea are , all tatted up for a biker wedding. Chlea tells us that she was "thcared" when paired up with Cory, since it's such a struggle for him to be "mathculine." And how is she supposed to act like thomebody thignifithent with a femme boy on the back of her bike? Don and Chris H. then learn that they're going to have a gay wedding, with Cory playing the role of a finger-wagging father. Don tells us that he's "very expertise" in the women category, but is all for gay marriage. Meanwhile Chris H., according to Don, freaked out about having to pose as a gay boy and hoped that they wouldn't have to kiss. Don, quite sensibly, just wanted to kill the shoot. And the two of them look adorable. Chris gets over his qualms and leans gently in to caress Don's chest. And then punches him in the nuts, most likely.
And then of course Phil gets a really wacky thing. He's having an objectophilia wedding, which means he's in love with an inanimate object. In this case, Phil is wedding his vintage TV, and cuddles its remote control against his scraggly beard. Phil is really hot in eyeliner, and somehow even hotter when he talks about how he's going to caress the remote, and "hold it…let it feel my warmth." I LOVE PHIL. I hope he's around for the entire season, and if he develops sexual feelings for my recaps and wants to wed them, I give my consent.
, Marvin, Nina and Bianca all engage in a polygamist wedding, with three other extras. And wow, when dressed in old timey cult polygamy fashions, Nina serves up Nellie Oleson realness. Marvin is very much into the idea of having five wives, for obvious reasons, but also because as the only dude he'll stand out in the picture. I have to say that this setup doesn't seem particularly fair for Nina and Bianca. Alexandra agrees with me, saying that Bianca is at a real disadvantage since she hasn't been particularly strong so far, and now has to stand out in a crowd of pilgrim-looking women.
Chris S. and Renee then have a mixed-race hip hop wedding. Conceptually this one has quite a bit going on, since Chris is playing the white thug with a grille, while Renee is supposed to be a prim and proper Connecticut debutante marrying this cretin to anger her dad. The shot also has three extras who are standing in the wings and making it rain, and poor wee Chris has to try to stand out among them and also show off his gold teeth. It's not the best setup for staying in the competition.
Back at home, there is Skull Mail: "Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. NO ONE is safe." We actually then hear thunder crashing because: subtlety. The contestants are a little taken aback by this, and Mike decides to deal with the stress by corking a bottle of wine. And in all fairness, if I were in this competition I'd just be drunk the whole time. How else would you possibly survive it? Mike tells us that the entire competition has been one unsettling feeling after another, and with the news that some folks are going home, shit is getting even more real. Jourdan tells us that Mike is running around with a coffee cup full of wine, and even his 18-year old paramour Bianca tells him that someone needs to cut him off. Mike explains to us that he likes to drink. He also apparently likes to drop his drinking receptacles, as we see him breaking his special coffee cup on the floor then looking puzzled about it. Nina tells us that Mike is a questionable drunk, and Marvin opines that he needs to work on his poses AND his busted runway walk. So focus on that instead of cuddling with Marvin's girl, fool. We then see Bianca and Mike in the confessional, and he drunkenly kisses her. She giggles and runs out, because she actually has some sense and wants to keep their shenanigans off camera. Marvin, meanwhile, wonders where Mike even came from. The answer is, of course, an ice cream truck. We cut back to Mike alone in the confessional, spitting on himself and passing out. Hott.
With that, it's time for panel! There are prizes, there are judges. Phil is wearing a backwards cap, which, no. I say that with love, because I only want him to be the best he can be at all times. Mike and Alexandra are up first with their shotgun wedding, and Tyra says that Alexandra is working it. It's like a Steven Meisel photo that's purposefully cheap with a high fashion snap. Alexandra is the high fashion snap. We see a fan video from Kate who compliments Alexandra on her tooching abilities. Alexandra gets an 8 from Tyra, and 7s from Rob and Kelly. Mike does not fare quite as well. First, Kelly tells him that he's the worst walker she's seen in her life. In the photo, he has no connection with anyone, and there's not much modeling happening. Tyra thinks that Mike should have used his nerd glasses to get into character. Bryanboy relays that the fans were also disappointed. Then again, they haven't had the benefit of seeing him spit into his own lap. Mike gets 7s from Tyra and Rob and a 6 from Kelly.
Renee and Chris S. are , and everyone laughs at the extras who are doing the Flixelated work of making it rain. Kelly tells Chris that he looks like a lesbian in the shot, and Tyra tells him to ease up on the hip pop. He gets the lowest scores yet -- 6s from Tyra and Kelly and a 5 from Rob. Renee also doesn't get rave reviews. Kelly and Tyra think she looks like a hoochie, which is not her storyline. She gets a 5 from Kelly, 6 from Tyra, and 7 from Rob.
Kanani and Jiana's lesbian wedding then gets reviewed. Rob thinks that Kanani could have worked her body a bit more, and Tyra agrees that she could have posed in a more high-fashion way. Kanani gets a 5 from Kelly and 7s from Tyra and Rob. Jiana, however, gets very good marks. Rob thinks that her body looks amazing, and her strong jawline could be a good thing for editorial work. Tyra likes Jiana's sexiness, which is appealing to men and women in the photo. And social media loves her! Jiana gets a 7 from Kelly, 8 from Tyra, and 9 from Rob.
And then we have Cory and Chlea. Kelly asks Cory if he was playing a guy or a woman in their shot, which is a little much. But Rob agrees that Cory has to sell more of a bad ass and, in Kelly's words, work on his straight guy. Tyra likes it, though, and says that his smize is piercing the camera. Cory gets a 7 from Kelly, 8 from Tyra, and 6 from Rob. Chlea is , and Kelly starts off by chastising her for deigning to give her advice at the shoot. Tyra can't even believe it and just puts her wig in her hands. Kelly's opinion about Chlea's photo may be influenced by her general dislike for our Cindy Brady doppelganger, and she tells her that her photo is busted. She adds, "You look like the older woman with a younger lesbian on the back of it." Tyra puts her wig in her hands yet again. But Rob likes the picture, saying that Chlea looks masculine. He gives her an 8, Kelly gives her a 4, and Tyra gives her a 7.
Then there's Phil and his backwards cap. I can't believe they don't give him a lecture about what to wear to panel. I personally quite like Phil's photo, but Rob thinks he's not convincingly in love with the remote control. Tyra apparently thinks he should have held it up a little and licked it, which would come off as more loving. Hey, I just report what happens here. Kelly tells him to utilize the fact that he's limitless and has no boundaries. Phil has one of the lowest social media scores, which I take as evidence that America is a country of absolute degenerates who can't be trusted to make any decisions democratically. Phil gets a 5 from Kelly, a 6 from Tyra, and a 7 from Rob.
Chris H. and Don are , and Rob says that Chris killed it and is convincingly gay. Kelly wants to bone them both. Tyra says that Chris has an exterior mysterious shell, but this shot is full of vulnerability. I think that Chris has a really weird face in person, but it does work on camera. He gets an 8 from Kelly, a 9 from Tyra, and a 10 from Rob. Don also gets raves. Kelly says that there's light and power radiating from him, and he's not even moving. Rob loves his confidence, and Tyra says that the power of the picture is in Don's chest, which is full of gay pride. A fan suggests that Don thank his mama, because he's a gift. Don obliges. Kelly gives him an 8, and Tyra and Rob both give him 9s.
Then there's Jeremy and Jourdan in their nudist wedding. Kelly likes the way that Jeremy looks, and says that there's an innocence in his face. Rob tells him that he has one of the best bodies in the competition, and could stand to work it a bit more. Tyra shows him the model's micro-torso-moves, while a fan videotapes himself drooling over Jeremy's photo. Jeremy gets an 8 from Kelly, a 5 from Tyra, and a 6 from Rob. When it comes to Jourdan, Kelly tells her that she needs to get her energy way up since being pretty, skinny and tall isn't enough. Tyra suggests that she do ANYTHING to make the photo more interesting, and Rob tells her that it's flat. Social media disagrees, though, and thinks that Jourdan looks amazing. She gets a 7 from Kelly, a 5 from Tyra, and a 6 from Rob.
Finally there's Marvin, Bianca and Nina. Kelly thinks that Nina looks like an 80-year-old Russian woman in a babushka, working in a potato field. Bryan disagrees and says that she looks authentic, and Kelly straight up tells him to shut up. Boy, would I like to see those two assholes in the ring together. Tyra tells Nina that her money is not straight-on, so she should work the three-quarter profile. Kelly gives Nina a 5, Rob gives her a 6, and Tyra gives her a 7. Bianca fares even more poorly. She's one of Kelly's favorite girls, and disappointed her. Rob tells Bianca that she looks better in person, which is not a good thing. A fan accuses Bianca of having duck face, but Tyra thinks the problem is the blah-ness of her body pose. I mean, she is basically wearing a nightgown tent. Bianca gets a 6 from Kelly, 7 from Rob, and a 5 from Tyra, who clearly wants her gone. She doesn't need eighteen year old competition for the ice cream man, okay? Marvin is the only one who gets a favorable reaction in the shot. Rob says that he killed it, and Kelly agrees that he owned the shot and executed his role perfectly. Tyra says that if Marvin did any more, the female modeling generation would be at risk of extinction. Really, though? Marvin gets 9s from Tyra and Kelly and a 10 from Rob.
Some mathematics happens during a commercial break, in which the challenge and social media scores are added to the judges' scores. When we return, there are sixteen beautiful models standing before Tyra, but she only has fourteen photos in her hand. The best photo of the week goes to Marvin, who only gets hornier and hornier with success. He had an 8 on the challenge and a 6.1 fan vote, for a total of 42.1. Don is called , with a challenge score of 6 and a fan vote of 7.1 for a total of 39.1 points. Chris H. had a challenge score of 6 and a fan vote of 6.1, leaving him with a total of 39.1 points as well. Finally a woman is called -- it's Jiana, with a fan vote of 7.5 and challenge score of 6, for 37.5 points total. Alexandra is called , with a challenge score of 7 and fan vote of 7.7 for 36.7 points. Cory has a fan vote of 7.6 and a challenge score of 7, for 35.6 points overall. Jeremy comes in with 33.6 points, including a challenge score of 7 and fan vote of 7.6.
Renee is called with a challenge score of 9 and fan vote of 5.6, for 32.6 points total. She is followed by Nina, with a challenge score of 7, fan vote of 7.2, and overall score of 32.2. Jourdan is called , with the highest fan vote so far of 7.9, and challenge score of 6. She has 31.9 points overall. Tied with her is Kanani, who had a fan vote of 6.9, and challenge score of 6. Chlea is just behind them with a challenge score of 6, fan vote of 6.6, and overall score of 31.6. Phil also squeaks through with a challenge score of 7 and fan vote of 5.9, for a total of 30.9. The only one lower than him with the fans so far is Renee, which I still find shocking. Get it together, America!
Chris S., Mike and Bianca are asked to come forward. Tyra tells Mike that he's gorgeous enough to get scouted from inside an ice cream truck, but if it doesn't show in a photo, he's not going to cut it. Also, he's terrible on the runway. Then there's Bianca. She's a beautiful stunner with a fun and spunky personality, but she faded away in her photo. She did not fade away in Mike's affections, which might be part of the problem, too. Then there's Chris S., who has the face of European high fashion males, and the body of Peter Dinklage. He has something special, but his photo failed to be strong and hard.
So who goes home? Tyra points us to the calculation screen, and we learn that it's Bianca. She had an overall score of 29.20, which included a challenge score of 5 and fan vote of 6.2. Bianca hugs Tyra and the other models, and tells us that she wishes she had more time to show what a great model she is. In addition, she'll miss Mike's sloppy drunken confessional kisses. The final elimination comes to down Mike and Chris S. Tyra is very proud as she says the word "highlit" instead of "highlighted" to refer to the calculation board's indicator of who will be axed. Numbers flick around, and we learn that it's Chris S. who will be eliminated, with a total score of 29.4 that includes a 7 on the challenge and 5.4 fan vote. Mike fares a full point better, with a challenge score of 5, fan vote of 5.4, and overall score of 30.4. Marvin wonders which lady Mike will steal from him now.
Tyra hugs Chris S. and tells him that he has one of the strongest faces in the competition. He in turn interviews that his dream has been ripped away from him. He had more experience than a lot of the other models and thinks he has a better face. His final request is for a hug from his mama. I'm sort of sad that we didn't get to know the little fella better.
week: Makeovers! And the contestants get to pose with a particularly famous Victoria's Secret model.
Potes gives Phil a fan vote of one million. She can be tweeted @traciepotes and emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.