We're down to the final five models, and it's fair to say that everyone is getting awfully agitated. Leila is a point of contention for Laura, who thinks that she didn't deserve to come back to the competition, and Kristin, who just hates her and uses every interview and confessional to talk about it. For this week's challenge, the ladies are outfitted in swimwear by Jamaican designer Cedella Marley, who also happens to be the daughter of Bob Marley. They pose in a cove with a pair of trained dolphins, and are told to look high fashion. In a special bonus shot, the girls must pose while being thrust into the air by the dolphins, who push the models' feet up with their noses. Leila's dolphin gets spooked by the fringe on her bathing suit, and winds up hitting her leg pretty hard. I like Leila, but she is SO wimpy about the whole thing and wonders if she needs medical attention. The medics ice her thigh for approximately one minute and she is fine. This is what happens when you're too skinny!
The only other real drama happens when Laura loses her top as the dolphins push her up and flashes everybody. I bet the dolphins planned that somehow. That's why they were smiling the whole time! While Kristin looks like a cheerleader tourist and gets the lowest score, her archnemesis Leila pulls off a high fashion shot and wins the challenge. She gets a whole bunch of clothes from Cedella's line and a spa day. She chooses Kiara to share in the spa day with her, leading Kristin to rant on about how fake everyone is. Oh, and I should mention that Tyra is deathly afraid of dolphins, because she is joy- and happiness-phobic. Of particular concern, she says, is that the dolphins are going to bang her. Yes, that actually happened.
For their photo shoot, the models head to Jamaican national treasure Dunn's River Falls. As the name suggests, this is a lovely cascading waterfall that also, it turns out, is very slippery. Tyra arrives on a jet ski to announce that she's the photographer for the day, and that they're shooting in the very spot where she was photographed for her first swimsuit calendar. It is a historical site! Put a plaque on it! And is Tyra reissuing this calendar or something? Because she sure talks about it a lot. Tyra's goal for this shoot is to have a fashion shot that is also art, and she tells the girls that they will be posing as warriors. Each has to incorporate a…thing…in her photo. Some are elements, some are natural substances, and some are textiles. There might be a method to this madness, or perhaps Tyra is just clearing out all the junk that litters her brain. Several of the models talk about how scary it is to stand on the falls, though it is Laura who has the most fear and really stiffens up. Nastasia, Kiara and Leila all turn it out in their pipes, metal, and wood, respectively. Though Leila gets the best photo of the week, it's Kiara who gets the honor of having her photo framed and hung in Tyra's salon. This leaves Laura and Kristin in the bottom two. Laura was unimpressive with her shells and had a lack of angles, while Kristin had a difficult time keeping the giant shower curtain that represented "fabric" from falling off of her head. And of course it's Kristin who gets the boot, but not before she gets in two especially stank rants against her fellow contestants.
With the girls entering their second week in Jamaica, they return home from panel to see Nastasia's best of week photo displayed as digital art. Kiara reminds us that she and Victoria were in the bottom two, and Victoria went home, largely because she was pretty crazy and hadn't eaten in nine weeks. Though it seems impossible, last week was actually Kiara's first time in the bottom two. I feel like she's been circling the drain forever! Kiara got scared straight, and now wants to show Tyra that she deserves to be America's Top Model. Kiara is so dedicated to this competition that she actually tells the other girls that if Tyra asked her to kill someone to win, she would do it. And I'm guessing that someone probably would be Kristin. Nastasia laughs, a little nervously. If I were one of Kiara's housemates, I would maybe hide the knives, just to be on the safe side.
And speaking of Kristin, she is getting very, very annoyed at living in a house of other girls who she does not even like. She's looking forward to winning the competition and getting the hell away from the rest of these clowns. Kristin likes nobody, and it would seem that would include even her supposed BFF Laura. She has the heart of the Grinch pre-transformation and triple-sized growth. Laura, meanwhile, is still grousing about the fact that Leila has reentered the competition. The rest of the girls have been dealing with the stress of challenges and living in the house together and keeping their scores up, while Leila has only had to worry about impressing the easily fooled "social media." The rest of the girls had to do so much more than Leila, Laura argues, and it's annoying. Everyone is annoyed about something, I guess. Leila says that in fact she's been working harder than the other girls while trying to get back in the competition, and she earned her damn spot. Thus, in her perspective, it's not unfair. Point/Counterpoint as brought to you by America's Top Model! Don't you feel intellectually fulfilled now?
The models head out to their challenge, which takes place at the beach at Half Moon Resort. Johnny is there and introduces designer and singer Cedella Marley. As you might have supposed by the combination of "Jamaica" and "Marley," Cedella is the daughter of reggae legend Bob Marley. She has a new swimwear line, and the girls are charged with rocking it while posing in the water. They'll also be facing two of Tyra's biggest fears: DOLPHINS. And seriously, who the french is afraid of dolphins? She probably has a phobia of rainbows and kittens, too. Of all the things that make Tyra Banks a jerk, this might be the biggest. Johnny tells the ladies that they should look high fashion, and not like they're on vacation and freaked out by dolphins. Who would be freaked out by dolphins? They smile constantly! The girl who can get the best poses while working with the dolphins gets a House of Marley prize package worth over $3,000 and a spa day with a friend. Or, a "friend."
It turns out that this swimwear line celebrates the legend of Bob Marley by putting his face on ladies' boobs. I mean, I guess that's not a bad tribute. Laura shares with us that one of her biggest insecurities in the competition is not being a size 00 like some of the other skinny stick figures such as Leila and Nastasia. She's representing girls who are healthy, strong, and overly tan. And, I mean, she's SO large. Practically a size 4! Embrace the curves! Johnny tells the girls that they'll do two shots -- one in the shallow water, where they'll really get to show off their suits, and one in the deep, where the dolphins will actually push them up by their feet. Those poor, enslaved dolphins. This is better than being caught in a tuna net, but only barely. Cedella wants the girls to show off the swimsuits, but also be engaged with the dolphins, who are doubtlessly crying for help in their squeaky sonar language.
Kiara is up first, and the dolphin handler tells her to be very gentle with no sudden movements, so she doesn't scare the dolphins. For some reason Kiara equates high fashion with Sports Illustrated, but at least knows enough about modeling to try to find her light. She then goes to the deeper part of the cove, where she treads water while waiting for the dolphins to push her up by her feet. The idea is to pose in the split second when you rise up out of the water, and though Kiara doesn't get up very high Johnny thinks she looked pretty. Cedella doesn't look so certain. Nastasia is . She poses with the dolphin in the shallow end just fine, but as she bounds away one of the handlers asks the girls to, in the future, wait until she takes the dolphin away before they move. Everyone is VERY concerned about startling the dolphins, which we should take as meaningful foreshadowing. Nastasia gets good height from the dolphins, and freaks out for a second before remember that she's supposed to pose.
Leila is , and as Johnny gives her direction on how to adjust the fringe on her suit, her dolphin gets spooked and kind of does a side flip in the water, banging up her leg in the process. Leila grimaces in pain, as Kristin secretly hopes that she's lost her leg entirely. And then Leila is kind of a wuss about the whole incident. I mean, I'm sure it hurt, but the dolphin hit her thigh -- it doesn't seem like there's danger of a bone being broken or anything. Leila wonders if she's well enough to stay and finish the shoot or if she's seriously injured and needs to seek medical attention. Tyra has been hit with bowling balls in her thighs, and she smized right through it! Buck up, skinny. Everyone gets out of the water and a medic takes a look at Leila's leg. He ices it for, like, two minutes and then she's fine. Leila gets back in the water and takes a killer shot with the dolphin. Laura of course thinks that Leila's poses were boring, and says that all she gave was high fashion. That's what they asked for! Though Leila's first pass at being lifted by the dolphins doesn't go so well, she kills the second one like a posing machine. Johnny heaps praise on her, which of course Kristin thinks is annoying.
Kristin is , looking rather mediocre as usual. Leila tells us that she went home after one bad week, while Kristin has stayed after multiple bad weeks. Basically these two would like to murder each other, or hire Kiara as a hit man. Kristin gets lifted the highest of all by the dolphins, but looks too much like a cheerleader with an arm-over-the-head pose. Finally there's Laura. I will have you know that amongst her supposed curves you can see every rib bone. Leila is not impressed by Laura's posing, but things start looking up when the dolphins lift her and she inadvertently flashes the whole beach. Everyone cracks up, and Laura takes it all in stride. Johnny tells her that her "breastes" looked great. Um, I think he means "breasteses."
Johnny and Cedella give the girls their critique. Laura is a beautiful girl, but Johnny thinks that her poses are too one-note. She gets kudos for hanging in there even while showing her boobs to the world, though. Kristin really looked like a tourist who was scared of her dolphin, and didn't connect at all. Cedella says that she didn't appear to be feeling anything. Nastasia looked perfect in the setting, and did a great job interacting with her dolphin. Leila bravely came back from her injury and went at the shoot full-force. Cedella says that she looked almost like a ballerina. Kiara looks amazing in her bathing suit, but her pose came off a bit "video girl." In the end, it's Leila who wins. Kristin pouts and refuses to clap. Leila chooses Kiara to share in her spa day, and Laura acknowledges that Leila is her strongest competition.
Back at the house, Leila's loot awaits her, and the challenge scores are posted. Leila received the high score of 9, while Nastasia got an 8, Kiara got a 7, Laura got a 6, and Kristin rounds out the bottom with a 5. Kristin continues to be pissed off and interviews that her getting the lowest score is total bullshit. As she fans herself while still wearing her sunglasses indoors, Kristin asks aloud if she has to stand there as Leila tries on all of her new clothes. Leila sums it up as such: "Kristin hates me." And it's true! Kristin tells us that Leila has no genuine friends in the house, so picked Kiara to share in her prize because Kiara was kissing her ass. I mean, wouldn't YOU pick the person who was actually being nice to you? Kristin and Laura retire to their room, where Kristin goes on a diatribe about how fake everyone in the house is. She says that she'll never be happy for someone else's victory -- only her own. Shots of Kiara fawning over Leila as she tries on her clothes are interspersed with Kristin making fun of Kiara fawning over Leila as she tries on her clothes. Kristin does have a very small point here. But she also mostly wants to throw something at what she characterizes as Leila's "ugly-ass face," so it is also somewhat difficult to fully side with her. Laura stays silent as Kristin rants, saying that she wants to stay out of the drama. Leila and Kiara then squeal about going to the spa, and hold hands while they're getting massages. Okay, that is a bit much. In other breaking news, Kristin still hates Leila.
And then there is Tyra Mail! It is sadly delivered by P'Trique (via video), but comes with drinks to make it more palatable. The Tyra Mail says: "Whether you're a chic little babbling brook or a fierce raging river, remember that when you're chasing the title of Top Model, it is easy to fall." Wait, that doesn't even rhyme! Don't Tyra Mails (or is the plural of that Tyras Mail?) usually rhyme? Or am I delirious? It's all the election coverage, I think. And is P'Trique the human sacrifice Kiara will have to make to win this competition? I'm totally okay with that. The ladies head to the beautiful Dunn's River Falls, where Johnny awaits them. He tells them that their mission today is to get a killer shot while posing in the waterfall as warriors. Their photographer for the day has shot with everyone in the business and knows how to work it from both sides of the camera. She also, it turns out, knows how to make an entrance in a jet ski. Yes, it is Tyra. As she pulls in, she notes that her first swimsuit calendar, of which you may have heard constant mention last week, was shot right in this very spot. She then shouts, "Fierce! Water! Warrior princesses! In the Jamaican waterfalls!" Between the falls and the jet ski engine, I don't think anyone can actually hear her. Probably for the best. The girls all cheer anyway.
In the prep tent, Tyra tells the girls that she's very excited to shoot them, and that they're going to be creating graphic, strong art -- a piece that can hopefully last forever. She adds that she's decorating her house right now, and the real challenge will be whose picture she'll hang in her salon. And I feel like if she's going to invoke Andre Leon Talley, she should be ready for us to get nostalgic for the high fashion season -- those halcyon days when we didn't know what a "Bryanboy" was. Kiara tells us that she's had pictures of Tyra up in her own apartment, so Tyra putting one of Kiara in HER house would be amazing. What would actually be amazing is if someone was like, "I don't want to be on the wall of her tacky-ass SA-lon!"
So, the other theme of this shoot is that the girls are going to have random shit all over them. Tyra can't be more specific than, "Every girl is going to have their own...thing." Thing! So, basically the prep tent is set up like a yard sale, and Tyra grabs a birdcage and a woven basket, puts them somewhere on Leila's body and calls her "wood." Kristin has a shower curtain draped over her and is deemed "fabric." It is literally a shower curtain. This episode sponsored by Home Goods Jamaica. Laura is "shells," Nastasia is "pipes," and Kiara is "metal." The makeup for the day is very warrior-esque, and the hair has random braids popping out of it and the like. Tyra walks around as each girl is getting done up to give her two cents to the hair and makeup team, making everyone nervous.
What also makes the models nervous is having to stand on the slippery, rushing falls. Nastasia -- who appears to be wearing a bottlecap monocle that is somehow in accordance with her "pipes" theme -- tells us that it was straight up dangerous, and Tyra agrees. And I mean, I'm sure they're slippery, but the falls don't appear to be particularly high -- it's not like someone's going to actually plunge to her death, despite our hopes. Maybe a head bashing or two, which is of course nothing compared to Leila's earlier thigh bruise. Tyra tries to direct Nastasia as she poses in the falls, but it turns out that when you have rushing water right by your ears it's a little hard to hear. Nastasia has no idea what Tyra is saying but tries to be accommodating nonetheless, which is not that much different a scenario than when Tyra is audible. Tyra is impressed that Nastasia kept pushing forward even when she couldn't hear.
Kiara is , and agrees that the falls are slippery and scary. She is metal, and has one of those in-pot fold up steamer things on the back of her head. She's very excited to shoot with Tyra and notes that this is quite important, especially since she was in the bottom two last week. Though Tyra seems to dig what Kiara is doing, Kristin has a separate commentary: "Kiara is stupid. I hate her." She thought Kiara was going to go a long time ago, which is a feeling I can share. But Kiara nails the warrior princess look, according to Tyra.
Laura is , and of course she has all of her fears and phobias and anxieties to contend with. If she feels like a gust of wind is going to blow her off a hill when she's hiking, I imagine slippery rocks are a challenge. Tyra climbs up to where Laura is sitting to give her direction, but by her own admittance Laura is quite stiff. She tells us that if you take one wrong step you'll slide down the whole waterfall. Which, again, is not that steep, and the girls are on the bottom of it in any case. Leila notes that Laura has named her as her strongest competition, and adds that she can't always put on a happy face now that she's getting a little scared. And, in fact, Laura isn't really putting on any kind of face as the falls beat down on her head. She's petrified, and isn't having very much luck holding it all together. Tyra tells us that she was the most excited to shoot Laura, but was the most disappointed that she couldn't get all that many angles with her. Laura is tearful and frustrated that she can't go back and change the picture.
Kristin is , and nestles into a crack within the rocks. She wears the shower curtain atop her head but, being a heavy, wet piece of fabric, it keeps falling off every time she tilts her chin up even a little. It would kind of be great to see Kristin carried off in rushing water, wouldn't it? Johnny tells us that Kristin is a beautiful girl, but he doesn't know that she has what it takes to be a top model. Tyra acknowledges that Kristin had a very difficult outfit, and has to give her credit for pushing through and not complaining. The bar is so low for her that "not complaining" is considered an achievement?
Finally there's Leila, with her various wood accouterments. She seems more nervous about shooting with Tyra than about the waterfalls, but pays attention when Tyra directs her toward the light. We hear Tyra saying, "Love it!" a whole bunch. Laura says that Leila thinks she's better than the rest of them since she won the challenge, and adds that she doesn't want Leila to take a good photo. This from the girl who has how many challenge wins and best photos? Tyra tells us that Leila was modeling from the inside out, with her soul and spirit in full attendance. She adds that the fans knew what they were doing in bringing her back. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, Leila is excited because she had a good shoot and good challenge score, and talks about how much she enjoyed shooting in the falls. Meanwhile, Kristin sulks. She confessionalizes that Leila is taking advantage of the fact that she slipped her way back into the competition. I mean...SHOULDN'T she be taking advantage of that fact? Kristin acknowledges that Leila takes good pictures, but that's all she can do. Leila's confessional response to this is: "Sorry Kristin, you're psycho." The makeup that looks like blood trailing down the middle of Kristin's chin is not helping this matter very much. Outside by the pool, Laura talks about all the crap she assumes Leila has talked about her, and says that every time she sees Leila she can't help but flash back to the moment when Leila called her out for being obsessed with herself. That was a pretty great moment in Laura history. Because Laura is so obsessed with herself, she can't just pretend that that never happened and make amends. And have you noticed that about a third of the way through the season Laura stopped touting herself as the small town girl?
Meanwhile, there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone is going home, and then we'll have our final four! Kristin admits to having insecurity about no one seeing her as competition. But, she points out, she's still there and is getting better week by week. Laura says that the competition is very stressful, and is taking a toll on her. She wants to win very much, though she doesn't go quite so far as to say she'd kill for it. But she is concerned that her dream will be ripped away from her and float downstream like so many birdcage shoulder pads in Dunn's River Falls.
With that, it's panel time! There are prizes, there are judges. Tyra speaks to us, the audience, directly to say that maybe our comments will be included in judging tonight. And I wonder how many people who DIDN'T vote in the presidential election voted for Top Model photos? Maybe if we have our local and national candidates smize to the best of their abilities and we all vote based on the resulting photos there would be better turnout? Nastasia is up first for evaluation, and we get a whole monologue from Tyra about how she's so scared of dolphins. She's even had dreams where she's in a swimming pool and dolphins are banging her. BANGING her. No wonder she's so terrified! Anyway, Nastasia. Her photo is gorgeous, and the black and white really really suits all of these photos. Kelly likes the extension of Nastasia's body, and her only small criticism is that Nastasia's eyes (well, eye) could have been more powerful and grazed the camera. Rob says that Nastasia is like a chameleon, which will work for her. Tyra thinks that Nastasia rocked it, which was impressive especially since Nastasia couldn't hear her direction. Nastasia confesses that she was worried Tyra would think she wasn't listening, when in fact she was just standing in a waterfall. Social media loved the shot, because it's awesome. Nastasia gets an 8 from Kelly and 9s from Tyra and Rob.
Laura is , with her shell self. Rob seems to like the picture, saying Laura caught the light and is giving fierce eyes. He says she's getting better and better, but Kelly disagrees. She says that Laura did neither her face nor her body justice, and looks schlumpy rather than warrior-esque. Tyra tells Laura that she's super stunning and beautiful, but doesn't have as many angles as some of the other girls. She needs to study her face and find those angles, and also learn where she is in relation to the photographer. Tyra refers to it as a dance, and says that sometimes the model needs to go with the photographer. That kind of learning takes time, particularly when a girl doesn't have a natural instinct for it. Bryanboy gives Laura the sad news that social media has started to abandon her with this shot, and one fan takes pains to point out that Laura's crotch is the focal point of her photo. Laura gets a 7 from Kelly, a 9 from Rob, and an 8 from Tyra.
Then there's Leila, who gets to tell her terrifying tale of being almost bruised by a dolphin. Tyra sees this as further evidence that dolphins can't be trusted. Oh, get a real phobia! Leila's photo is amazing, and Kelly tells her that she's owning every fiber and inch of her being. She adds that it's one of the best shots of the season. Rob agrees that Leila nailed it, and also says that it's one of the best he's seen. She achieved the goal of making art, and Rob would totally hang it in his salon if he had one, too. Tyra points out that this was Leila's first shot, which is pretty impressive. The fans love Leila as well! She gets 10s across the board, like a really tall and lanky Mary Lou Retton with an inverse amount of muscle tone.
Kristin is , with her shower curtain headdress. Rob likes most of the photo, with the exception of Kristin's too-relaxed body position. However, Kelly thinks that Kristin looks not like a model, but like a hippie ex-nun who dropped some shrooms with her boyfriend and is hanging out in the rocks. Though that description sounds crazy, it's actually frighteningly accurate. She calls the whole thing very awkward. Tyra has to give Kristin props for dealing with her wet, heavy shower curtain, and says that she likes the awkwardness of Kristin's body. Social media does not agree with Tyra, and one fan says that Kristin looks like she's in intense pain and/or constipated. Maybe constipation is actually the root of all Kristin's stankness. She gets a 7 from Kelly, an 8 from Rob, and a 9 from Tyra.
Finally, there's Kiara. She looks quite regal in her photo. Rob says it's her best one to date, and he's really impressed with her tooch. REALLY impressed. Kelly agrees that it's a beautiful shot, and says that she was happy to see Kiara come out strong. She adds that Kiara has an advantage in that she's a warrior-type girl, as opposed to, say, Kristin's whiny cheerleader. Tyra tells Kiara to bring this every single time, and points out the angles in her face. She calls this Kiara's money shot, and agrees with the others that she looks stunning. Kelly and Rob then get into a little fight about whether Kelly told Kiara that she should change. Rob thinks that she should be herself and carry on doing her own thing. He feels quite passionately about Kiara's self-expression through tooching! And for once, social media likes Kiara too! Kiara gets a 9 from Kelly and 10s from Rob and Tyra. She is elated.
We then get a rare view of the backstage at panel, where Leila and Kiara are celebrating their fabulous critiques. Meanwhile, Laura and Kristin sulk. Kristin finally has enough when she hears Kiara say that her scores are her personal best, and sarcastically says she appreciates that they have so much respect for the girls who are worried by being overenthusiastic about their great photos. In return, Kiara sarcastically says that she appreciates that. She adds that every time Kristin has a bad performance she lashes out at everyone else. And also when she has a good performance, I'd say. Kristin goes on about how she feels disrespected, which is SO valid given that she is typically so sensitive and respectful of the emotional well-being of others. As Kiara says that Kristin is herself rude a whole bunch, Kristin asks why she doesn't say anything about it. Leila tries to get in on the action by saying there's no point in lashing out, which gives Kristin the opportunity to issue a very respectful, "Shut the fuck up, I'm not even talking to you right now." Kiara asks if Kristin ever thought to congratulate the girls who did well, and the answer of course is no. She's worried about her own self. Leila adds that she's never felt any respect from Kristin, which gives Kristin an opportunity to again tell Leila that she doesn't like her. As Leila looks stunned at this very rude diatribe about rudeness, Kiara just smirks. Kiara's got it right, I have to say.
Five beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has four photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. The results are in, and the girl with the highest total score and best photo is Leila. She has a fan vote of 7.428 and a total of 46.4. A very good week, indeed! Kiara is called , and learns that it's her photo that will be hung on the wall of Tyra's salon. There are no bonus points for that or anything, though. Kiara got a fan vote of 6.184 and a total score of 42.2. Nastasia is called , with a fan vote of 6.3 and a total score of 40.2. Also a very strong performance!
This leaves Kristin and Laura in the bottom two. Tyra only has one photo in her hands, and will call only one name. Her voice obviously overdubs that Laura has been on top for the last few weeks, and perhaps it's made her complacent. The judges think she's slipping away. Then there's Kristin. She has a face that doesn't come along often, but her strength is in the face only and not the body. Tyra has pushed Kristin to try to get H2T, but this week she failed. So who stays in the competition? Laura, obviously. She has a fan vote of 5.909, and a total score of 35.9, compared to Kristin's fan vote of 4.978 and total score of 34.0. Laura cries about how stressful this competition is, and Tyra says that it seems like that's getting in the way of her modeling.
Kristin hugs Tyra, who says that she will probably have a career. She tells Kristin to focus on her face, which is her strength, as opposed to trying to force her body into being a model. Kristin says that this was not the best of her, and she'll come back stronger in face and body. But lest you think that Kristin is going to go out without at least a dollop of stankness, she says that she's fine leaving because she's had struggles in the house and doesn't like any of the other girls. She thinks that they're all fake, and adds that she hasn't made a genuine friend since she's been there. Even Laura! Now Kristin doesn't give a shit about any of the other girls. As opposed to before, when she gave maybe a sixteenth of a shit? She's pleased that she'll never have to interact with them again. This is the moment when you wish this show could get a quality reunion episode together.
week: Horses! Horses! Horses! Horses! Leila continues her streak of bad luck with the animal kingdom, and the girls model for Dream Come True.
Potes is waiting for the moment when one of her recaps will be framed and hung in Tyra's salon. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.