We finally learn which girl gets to come back, and it's about as anticlimactic as you'd expect. Poor Brittany's Disney dreams are dashed when she lands in third place and learns that the final battle will be between Allyssa and Leila. Though Allyssa had Tyra on her side, social media is a harsh mistress (or something) and it's Leila who gets to return and join the other girls as they head to Jamaica! You know, Jamaica, the capital of fashion. Interpersonal relationships continue to be a challenge for Victoria, since the other girls are not so happy that she threw them under the bus at panel. The general consensus is that she's completely antisocial and not appreciative that the others cared about her well-being, at least at one point. Leila also faces a tough time given that she didn't exactly get a warm welcome back, and Kristin and Victoria are particularly nasty about her return.
When the girls arrive in Jamaica they're greeted by a bus of hot male models. Kiara wastes no time in getting her flirt on, and is particularly enamored of a hottie named Corey. Once they get to the villa where they're staying, Tyra actually deigns to talk to them and we learn that this whole trip is really a tribute to the country in which Tyra shot her first swimsuit calendar. I'm surprised Jamaica doesn't just make a bikini shot of Tyra its flag. At dinner, Tyra imparts some wisdom about how some models are smizers and some are toochers, then leaves to bang Rob. And really, you can't blame her for that.
For some reason new Miss J. Jonte' got plane tickets to Jamaica, and he introduces the girls to famous dancehall recording artist Konshens. For their challenge, the models split into three groups of two and must, with help from coaches, come up with a dancehall style routine in which they also tooch and smize with swagger. And really, I think this whole episode was put together just to highlight the following quote from Victoria: "I did dance in a Siamese ballet once." Laura and Kristin team up, and while Laura goes all out and doesn't mind looking foolish, Kristin is a bit more reserved. They get the lowest scores of the bunch, much to Kristin's chagrin. Team Bony Brigade, Victoria and Leila, get big points for having a lot of fun. But Victoria's cartwheel pales in comparison to the split/ground humping done by Kiara. She and Nastasia win the challenge, and get a whole bunch of funky jewelry.
The photo shoot for the week has the girls in dreadlock headpieces, playing the part of a woman caught in a love triangle with two men. One is Rob, who is the stalwart husband, and the other is one of the hot Jamaican male models from the beginning of the episode. The hot Jamaican models are river raft guides who may provide some additional swampy excursions. Kiara of course picks Corey to be her river raft guide, and her flirting actually proves to be a bit of a distraction. Laura and Nastasia both do a great job per usual, and it's Nastasia who has best photo. Leila does a decent job and lives to see another week, and although it seems like Kristin is in danger -- even Johnny confesses that he's surprised she's still in the competition -- it's Kiara and Victoria who land in the bottom two. Kiara is there just because she kind of sucks, while Victoria continues to get too lost in the crazy characters that she's created. And in the end, we must say goodbye to our home schooled callisthenic enthusiast as Victoria is sent back to the loving arms of her mom. At this point I think it's kind of a relief for everybody, including the viewing audience.
Previously: Victoria narrowly survived elimination, but not even Dopey, Sleepy, Grumpy and Smizey could save Brittany. However! Tyra announced that it was time to find out which of the eliminated girls had the highest social media average score and thus would be brought back into the competition. It turns out that Brittany got eliminated just in the nick of time, since she would be included amongst the eliminated ranks!
We get a reminder of exactly who the eliminated girls are. There was super cute Jessie, cut way before her time! And Darian, madam librarian! And who could forget saddest of all sad times Destiny? And Leila of the gapped tooth and duck lips! Then there was fiercely attitudinal Yvonne! And secretly plus-sized all along Allyssa! These models continued to do the photo shoots every week, and were judged by the fans online. But only one of them can join the current contestants. And only one of them will get to go to the season's international location -- Jamaica! You know, Jamaica, fashion capital. Jamaica is the new Milan! Tyra Banks said so!
Tyra begins the process of eliminating the girls one by one, via their social media scores. First to go is Destiny, who had an average score of 4.53. Well, that's a fitting epilogue to her ultra-depressing narrative. Darian is the one cut, with a social media score of 4.64, followed by Yvonne, who has a score of 4.76. is Jessie, with a score of 5.04. Good for her, though, for having a decent showing! Meanwhile, Allyssa is bawling already and looking really desperate. Calm down, bitch! If social media scores were based on dignity right now I'd give you a zero! Brittany is to be cut, with a social media score of 5.41. She sort of cries and inhales in the manner you'd expect of someone whose dream has been dashed twice in a fifteen minute period.
So it all comes down to Allyssa and Leila! They are both just beside themselves with tears and panic. This would be the perfect time for Tyra to yell out, "Psych! I was just playing. You can all go home." But no! Instead we learn that our returning contestant will be... Leila! She has a score of 5.84 compared to Allyssa's 5.44. So, no big surprise there. Allyssa works on finding out the departure time of the remaining contestants' plane to Jamaica, so she can throw herself in front of it. She is comforted a bit by Tyra who says, "You'll get there. You don't need this to get there." But, I mean, doesn't she? I guess it depends on where, exactly, "there" is. Also not thrilled by Leila's return is Laura. She says that Leila is a strong competitor, particularly in the high-fashion realm. Also, you may remember, they were the worst of frenemies. Leila is thrilled, though, and seems to get through this lack of a warm welcome just fine.
The girls head home to pack, and we are reminded that Laura got her third best photo last week, and also has won three challenges. She knows that the girls see her as fierce competition, but that just makes her push harder. I think she'll make it to the final two, but it would be so great if she got a surprise boot before then. Just to keep things interesting! Also to see how hard she cries. Kiara reminds us that Victoria threw the others under the bus last week at panel, with her charges of bullying. Kiara says that she's been knocked down emotionally and physically, and would never bully anyone. Laura takes it a step further, saying that Victoria is actually the bully since she ignores everyone in the house when they say they're concerned about her health. I mean, I'm no bullying expert, but ignoring people seems like a pretty passive way to bully, does it not? Victoria confessionalizes that her feelings of being bullied have been a huge factor in her appetite or lack thereof. She feels very lonely and -- you guessed it! -- wishes she could talk to her mom. Victoria sends out a message to her mom via the confessional, I guess because she forgot how communication technology works. Kristin tells us that she's quite excited to be going to Jamaica, excepting the fact that Victoria is fucking crazy and Leila is back. Also, Kristin doesn't care for Kiara's photos. And she's thankful for Laura, even though she hates Laura for being so good at everything. Kristin is just a bearer of love and light, truly.
And then we're in Jamaica! Kiara reminds us that she has six brothers and sisters, and this time we actually get to see them. So cute! She says that they don't have any money, and so the $100,000 prize would mean a lot to her. What also is quite meaningful for Kiara is the six hot hotties who await the girls on the bus from the airport. Turns out the show has hooked them up with some Jamaican male models who are here to dazzle us all with a sparkling array of white teeth. The names of the models, we learn via a series of shirtless photos, are Korey, Bobby, Israel, Sean, Shavan, and Leon. Kiara tells us that she's single, and it's been a long time since any of the girls have had interaction with handsome males. But it turns out that getting your flirt on is like riding a bicycle, and soon Kiara is inviting a couple of the models to Vegas. Wait, doesn't she live in California? In any case, Kristin thinks that Kiara is making a fool of herself, though I would conjecture that she's sure having fun doing it.
Tyra runs off, probably to bang Rob, and the girls head to their challenge. Posing coach and new Miss J. Jonte' somehow got a ticket to Jamaica out of this deal, and greets the girls. He tells them that music such as ska, reggae, and dancehall is a huge part of the Jamaican culture, and introduces Konshens, one of the biggest recording artists in the dancehall genre. We hear his song called "Do Sumn" as a troupe of lady dancers do a number. They're wearing colorful outfits, and Kiara describes the type of dance as being very "in your face." For their challenge today, the girls will have to divide into teams of two and choreograph their own dancehall number that features smizing and tooching. I guess we'll finally learn if it's possible to smize and tooch and chew gum at the same time! Given that Laura and Kristin are besties, and so are Kiara and Nastasia, Leila and Victoria are put together by default. That is going to be more lanky dancehall action than even the country of Jamaica can handle! The team that does the best job will get $3,000 worth of funky jewelry and $10,000 in the scholarship bank.
The pairs separate, and each team gets dancehall coaches to help out with the moves. Nastasia is a pop-lock dancer, so thinks she might finally stand a chance at a challenge victory. Kristin and Laura's coaches give them a lesson in taking on the appropriate dancehall attitude, while continuing to smize and tooch. Then we see Victoria and Leila's coaches going over a few moves with them, which leads to the quote of the episode. From Victoria, natch: "I did dance in a Siamese ballet once." I mean...what? Victoria somehow doubts that this particular dance experience is going to help her at the moment (I can't imagine why, given the popularity of Siamese ballet in current dance styles) and is quite worried about being sent home. The calisthenics have to help, right? Once everyone gets into their colorful booty shorts, Victoria starts feeling a bit more positive and tells us that sometimes the underdog can surprise you. If not, they wouldn't be the underdog. And if you missed seeing Victoria and Leila rehearsing, this is what it looked like.
The male models come to watch and ogle as the challenge begins. Kristin and Laura are first, and Laura looks truly insane. As I've learned from watching myself in the mirror at zumba class, activity involving any sort of widespread arm movement is not flattering to tall, lanky girls. However, Laura goes about the whole thing with gusto, while Kristin holds back a little bit, probably because she doesn't want to look dumb. It's strange, because I feel like her cheerleading experience would work in her favor here. Victoria and Leila are , and the dancehall music is infused with the sound of bones clanging. At one point Victoria does a cartwheel, and Konshens tells us that she and Leila were putting it all out there and having fun, which is a big part of dancehall. Nastasia and Kiara are , and Victoria thinks they look a little severe and intense. They know how to shake it, though, and at one point, Kiara goes down into a complete split. And then she starts humping the street! Korey is LOVING it. Kiara claims that she didn't mean to do the split, which makes the street-humping a truly impressive bit of improvisation.
Konshens and Jonte' give the girls their critique. Victoria and Leila went hard and didn't care, and managed to smize and tooch in the process. For that reason alone, they get an 8. Konshens liked Kristin and Laura's outfits, and Jonte says that they had great chemistry. They get a 7. Instantly, Kristin looks over at Victoria and Leila with the stankest face you ever have seen. She stares and glares, and stares and glares, and tells us that she's aggravated because she thought her team did way better than Victoria and Leila. Nastasia and Kiara didn't seem like they were having a whole lot of fun, but the choreography was tight and their moves were very Jamaican. They get a 9, and so win the challenge! This is Nastasia's first challenge win and she's quite excited. Kiara is also thrilled, as she now has a total of $30,000 in her scholarship bank. Of course she has to win the competition to get it. Kiara reminds us that she's doing this for her grandmother and her siblings. Her plan is to be on top, and that's it. I'm guessing that she recently amended that to, "On top...of a Jamaican model named Korey."
Kristin and Laura eat snacks in their bedroom and talk about Kiara. Laura says that she didn't know Kiara could dance like that and Kristin responds, "What, like a slut?" In fairness, Kiara DID hump the dirty street. They plan to kick ass in the photo shoot, and Kristin hopes it has a more commercial bent rather than high fashion, so Leila will suck and go home. Kristin continues her anti-Leila rant in the confessional, saying that this competition is looking for a well-rounded model who can do everything, and all Leila is good for is taking photos. Laura agrees, and then Kristin proceeds to call Leila a lucky bitch who popped out with a "fucking gap." So supportive of their fellow models! Just lovely, really!
After a break, the girls head to their photo shoot. They never get their Tyra Mail, and we can only hope this means that P'Trique's plane is lost somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. The location for the shoot is the Martha Brae River, where Johnny and Rob await, along with Jamaican photographer William Richards. The shoot has a bit of a complicated conceit -- the models will be portraying a woman caught in a love triangle between two men. This woman is in Jamaica with her husband, portrayed by Rob, however, she is also in love with her river raft guide, portrayed by one of the hot male models we met at the beginning of the episode. Each of the ladies gets to choose the male model she wants to work with, and of course Kiara goes straight for Korey. River raft guide attraction realness!
Victoria is up first, and Johnny makes the mistake of asking her for her backstory. The clock starts ticking as Victoria says that she is a very affluent woman from a very wealthy family, who want her to end up with Rob (whom she calls, "Mattaa.") And while she's very attracted to...Mattaa...she's also running off with the local bad boy river raft guy. Rob tells us that you want to love Victoria, but then you realize what a crazy fucking mess she is. He worries that she gets too lost in her characters. This is an opportune time for Kristin to tell us that Victoria is very anti-social, and never talks about friends. The only relationship she appears to have is -- you guessed it! -- with her mom. If only Victoria could have chosen her mom to play the part of the river raft guide!
Laura is up , looking gorgeous as usual. Leila thinks that Laura is scared to see her back in the competition. I think that's slightly true, but Laura is so adept at killing it every week that she probably doesn't have all that much to worry about. Her photo shoot this week seems to be no exception. Leila shoots , and definitely has the crunkest headwrap. Johnny tells her to act like a haughty bitch, and Leila does just that while also getting a good tooch in. Laura tells us that she is indeed frustrated to have Leila and her high-fashion look back in the competition. She seems slightly worried that Leila will send her home, but with the likes of Kiara and Kristin still in the competition, I suspect that she'll be just fine.
Nastasia is , and tells us that she's never been in such a predicament as a love triangle. She sure seems to be enjoying snuggling up to Rob, though! She claims that it's acting, but I suspect that if Mrs. Tyra gets wind of it Nastasia will get a trip upriver real quick. Johnny gives Nastasia the highest praise, saying that she knows her angles, played the character, and got a fantastic photo. Then there's Kristin. Johnny instructs her to put her hand on Rob's naked torso, which I'm sure is a real struggle. Photographer William instructs her to adjust her body language a bit, but she doesn't seem to get quite the tooch that he and Johnny were looking for. Johnny tells us that Kristin still struggles with being comfortable with her body, modeling in general, and letting go. He's at a bit of a loss as to why she's still in the competition. Many of the other girls come in and do their thing, he says, but Kristin needs a lot of direction. She looks gorgeous, though, which is no surprise.
Kiara is , in a dress that looks awfully wedding-inspired. Maybe she and Korey will tie the knot right here? As Johnny tells her that she's involved in a scandalous affair with the raft boy, she assures him that everyone will feel the scandal. In an interview, Kiara tells us that this is a dream come true. So many smooth and buttery abs! All within arm's reach! The dudes are so hot, she says, that she forgot she was modeling. So I guess she's thinking she's just in a run of the mill threesome on a river raft? Someone alert Showtime! And though a threesome with Rob and Korey sounds amazing at first mention, when you think about it...well, it seems like you might wind up awfully sore. It would be a blessing and a curse, I think. Victoria tells us that Kiara is flirting with Korey, per usual, and might be getting a wee bit distracted. Laura and Kristin agree that none of Kiara's photos have been good, the people of earth hate her (as evidenced by her terrible social media scores), and she needs to go home . Johnny tells us that Kiara really had her eyes on her male models, but needs to find the image that will win over social media. As a 17-season veteran of Top Model recapping I say: good luck with that, hunty.
Back at home there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone will be going home! A tearful Leila tells us that she worked very hard to come back, and now that she's regained entry to the competition she feels even more pressure to prove that she deserves to be there. And then there's Victoria. She calls her mom to assure her that even though she's been feeling sick for some time now, she's getting a bit better. Victoria assures her mom that she's getting enough to eat, and her mom is proud that she's managing to stay alive and conscious. Maybe it's one of the home school tenets to give your children praise for basic achievements of survival? Victoria is trying to regain her confidence, and points out to us and herself that she wouldn't have entered the competition if she didn't think she had an excellent chance of winning. Well, "excellent." She has faith in herself, and is ready to move forward. One grapevine at a time.
And then it's panel time! The girls are wearing particularly unflattering sarongs, which serve to make Tyra's weave look the tiniest bit better. There are prizes, there are judges. And I guess this is as good a time as any to note that there is a warrant out for Rob Evans' arrest. And it's not for the crime of being too darn hot, as you would suspect.
Nastasia is up first for evaluation, and Tyra first notes that she's the challenge winner, then asks her to demonstrate her ability to smize and tooch at the same time. Nastasia does so, and Tyra at least seems impressed. Kelly loves the body posture in Nastasia's photo and says it's a good use of all her angles. She adds that Nastasia is getting better every week. Bryanboy imparts that the fans out there love love love love love Nastasia, and one says that she looks like the princess of the Amazon. That's a good thing. Rob says that not only is her face beautiful, but she tooched her ass off. Tyra, however, thinks that she moved a little into hoochie tooch territory. But Rob says that no one in the competition yet has extended so far, and he gives her a score without anyone even asking. It's a 10! Kelly gives Nastasia an 8, and Tyra gives her a 7 along with an arrest warrant for the crime of hoochie tooching.
The newly returned Leila is up . Rob thinks that her body looks amazing, and says that she has both the face and the body to be a top model. Bryanboy calls Leila a diamond in the rough. But although he can see a model in her, Leila's shot disappointed a lot of her fans. Kelly is pretty enthusiastic about it, though, saying that she loves the body and everything about the shot. However, Tyra says that the closeup merely shows a pretty girl. The fans brought Leila back because she's a strong model, but this photo belongs in a junk mail catalogue. Kelly and Rob both give Leila an 8, but Tyra gives it a mere 6. Harsh! She's just mad that Leila is standing there and not Allyssa.
up is Kiara, who also has to dance upon Tyra's command. Her photo does not get raves. Kelly says that it looks like it's a still from an off-Broadway show, and that Kiara looks like someone who would nail a solo in a dancehall rather than a fashion model. Rob thinks that Kiara isn't connecting with either of her two male models, and is a bit stiff overall. Ironic, since she was so into connecting with Korey in myriad ways. Tyra says that the face in the photo doesn't even look like Kiara, and doesn't show off her bone structure. Rather, she looks like she has a paralyzed mouth. The fans also weren't crazy about the photo, which is no surprise. Kelly and Tyra both give the photo a 6, while Rob gives it a 7.
Then there's Victoria. Kelly starts with an, "Oh God," then greets Victoria, which Tyra says is bad news. Indeed, Kelly says that the photo looks like an advertisement for a Celine Dion show in Atlantic City. From Victoria's foot to her face to her energy, Kelly says that the shot is lacking. Rob agrees that Victoria's face is a little dead, and then also points out that he used to like all of her crazy stories but now feels like she overthinks everything. The social media fans are also not in love with it. Tyra asks Victoria what she thinks, and looks bored with the answer before poor Vic can even speak. Victoria says that it was very frustrating being in the bottom two, but she tried to come back into the competition with gusto and take all of Tyra's advice into consideration. She's disappointed with herself and with the judges' feedback. Kelly and Rob give Victoria a 6, while Tyra gives her a 7, I think out of pity.
Kristin is , and Tyra likes her photo. Kelly likes Kristin's face, but points out that she looks like she's giving Rob a lap dance, on a raft. That actually would take a lot of coordination, and perhaps should be celebrated. Rob says that Kristin is a pretty girl and can't help but look sexy in the photo. However, he adds that every time he works with Kristin, it seems like she's too cool for school and doesn't really want it. He gets out of his chair and asks Kristin if, hypothetically, she were in a casting and he asked her to act like a fool, what she would do. Tyra calls "action," and Kristin runs around behind the judges, screaming halfheartedly while tousling their hair. Kelly rolls her eyes and says that they're actually trying to teach Kristin a lesson. If she were in a casting and did that, Kelly says, they'd throw her out. Tyra then does her own version of acting a fool, which is both terrifying and recalls her famous, "I have never in my life yelled at a girl like!" meltdown of cycle 4. Ahhh, memories! Somewhere, Janice Dickinson got a shiver down the middle of her implant. Kelly gives Kristin a 6, while Rob gives her a 7 and Tyra gives her an 8.
Finally there's Laura. Her shot is a little Barbie meets Rapunzel for Kelly's taste, but she thinks that Laura is doing a fine job of modeling her dress. Rob loves the shot and says that the attention is straight on Laura, and you can see the connection between her and the other model. The fans continue to love Laura, as does Tyra. She wants to buy just about everything that Laura is wearing. Kelly gives Laura an 8, and Tyra and Rob both give her 9s. No one mentions the fact that both she and Leila look completely busted in person.
With the social media scores added in, it's time for the girls to learn who is the best and who will be sent home. Nastasia gets the top photo of the week, with a fan vote of 5.341 and a total score of 39.3. It turns out the fans like the hoochie tooch! called is Laura, who gets a fan vote of 5.874 and a total score of 38.9. Leila is called , with a fan vote of 4.9 and a total score of 34.9. Kristin does NOT look pleased. However, she need not worry. She's called with a fan vote of 5.274 and a total score of 33.3. This leaves Kiara and Victoria in the bottom two. Victoria is the queen of the story. She knows how to paint a picture, but is unable to deliver on the beautiful narrative that she's come up with. Also, she's a hot fucking mess. Then there's Kiara. Social media is not feeling her, but the judges are. She's got an athletic body along the lines of Gabrielle Reece, but this week she wasn't very impressive. However, she did enough to stay in the competition, with a fan vote of 4.513 and a total score of 32.5. Victoria, with a fan vote of 4.297 and a total score of 31.3, is going to have to do calisthenics all the way home. At least she might finally be able to enjoy a decent meal!
Victoria starts crying as she says that she's so disappointed. Tyra tells her that she's a strong model, and that a whole lot of models can't think of ANYTHING, much less elaborate storylines for every shoot. Victoria has taken beautiful photos, but Tyra thinks that the stress got the better of her and her pictures got a little bit worse from week to week. Victoria tearfully says that this is frustrating and that she can do better than this. Tyra tells Victoria that she can be a model, but needs to take care of herself first. She then summarily dismisses her with a hug, because she really doesn't want to hear all about Victoria's mental problems. A despondent and partially hyperventilating Victoria tells us that she wanted this so badly. She thinks about her mom who has given her everything. She wanted to be able to achieve this for her mom. Maybe she can go to culinary country cooking school instead? Enjoy your life in Grey Gardens, little Vickie!
time: Dolphins! And a waterfall photo shoot! Tyra does her best to convince us that they're dangerous. Don't get our hopes up like that, Banks!
Potes is a smizer and a toocher. Tweet her @traciepotes or email potesypotes@gmail.com.