It's go-see time! This season, things are a bit different as the girls head out in pairs to see five designers including Guess, Whitney Port, Charlotte Ronson, Lulu Guinness, and a 13-year-old named Cecilia Cassini who actually makes me feel kind of relieved to be an underachiever. Each of the designers score the models on their go-see performances, but can only choose to book one. The models can make multiple bookings, and whoever has the most at the end of five hours will win the challenge. There's the usual litany of comments from the designers about the models being either too small or too big for their clothes, and lots of walking and posing and trying to have a personality. While Kristin, Nastasia, and Kiara all do a decent job and get one booking a piece, it's perfect Laura who is back on top, booking two gigs, including Guess. She wins the challenge, and gets a whole bunch of clothes from the participating designers and evil glares from Kristin. Victoria, who laid it on a little thick at the go-sees and booked nothing, is quite despondent, as is Disney Brittany, whose wishing upon a star did not quite get the job done in this case.
The photo shoot for the episode takes place inside a prison, and features the models as '50s style bad girls posing for very stylish mug shots. Paris Hilton, eat your heart out! Kiara freaks out at the whole prison thing, because she had been arrested for shoplifting when she was 18 and forced to go through the actual mug shot and fingerprinting process. She appears to be quite traumatized by the experience, and also scared straight! Her emotions hold her back as her shoot starts, but eventually she's able to let out some of her anger and fear and get back on track. Victoria continues her trend of getting deeply into character for photo shoots, and this time is a tacky southern lady criminal. She actually spits on the floor, to the alarm of everybody. Upon Johnny's urging, she eventually reins it in a bit. Inside, though, she's still silently spitting and/or thinking about what her mom would say in this circumstance.
And speaking of Victoria, the others are still concerned that she's a basket case who's unable to handle the stress and pressure of the competition. Also, at least one of them thinks that she might have a contagious disease. She makes a bit of a stink about feeling bullied at panel, which rouses the ire of Kelly Cutrone, likely because she thinks "home schooled" is equivalent to "mentally challenged." Never has a bully been so offended by bullying! While perfect Laura gets best photo for being perfectly perfect as usual, Victoria lands in the bottom two along with Disney Brittany. But it's still not quite time to release Victoria back into the land of plentiful mental health care and country cooking, and so it's Brittany who is exiled. However! This happens to be the week that one of the eliminated girls gets to come back, based solely on social media scores, and Brittany is going to be one of the contenders. As Allyssa, Leila, Darian, Yvonne, Destiny, and Jessie all return to panel room we learn that… we will have to wait until week to learn who gets to return to the competition.
Previously: Victoria proved that there is such a thing as being too skinny. And too crazy. And too loving toward your mom.
This week, we enter with Laura complaining about how terrible and unexpected it was for her to be in the bottom two. There's only so much a human can take before starting to break, she says, while doing nothing resembling breaking. Oooh, the struggle! Go sob on the phone to your mom about how much you miss her country cooking and then get back to us. Meanwhile, Brittany gets a letter from her sister, who seems as syrupy and Disneyfied as Brit herself. Little sister writes, "It is so true, no one can ever comprehend the feeling I have toward you." And then she rubbed a lamp or talked to a starfish or something as she prepared her cryogenic freezer for entry.
Brittany reminds us that she's had the second best photo three times. She wants to get best photo, so she can be someone that her little sister can look up to and be proud of. Instead, maybe she should look into transferring to a four-year university and getting a degree so she can be someone that her little sister can look up to and be proud of. Just a thought!
Meanwhile, the contestants sit around the kitchen table and speculate about which of the eliminated girls stands a chance of coming back. Nastasia thinks that it's between Allyssa and Leila, and we are reminded that Jessie, Darian, Destiny, and Yvonne also exist. Then it's time for a big family meal around the table. Everyone is there except for Victoria, and there are murmurs about her probably not coming. Because, you know, issues. But then she shows up, probably with one luxurious pea rolling around on her plate. So very filling! Will she be able to finish it all? Victoria reminds us that last week at panel, Tyra asked about her "situation" -- e.g., her ever-impending mental breakdown and/or potential eating disorder -- and some of the girls were making faces behind her and, upon prompting, expressed concerns about Victoria's health. She feels like daggers are being thrown at her behind. Spiky sharp pains in the back are probably a symptom of malnutrition and sobbing-related dehydration.
Things are very awkward at the dinner table, and Brittany expresses the common theme of concern that Victoria is not strong enough to deal with all the shit that being on the 19th season of Tyra Makes a Dollar can throw at you. Victoria tells her that worry, anxiety and stress about "other things" were getting to her, and Kristin interrupts to say that Victoria isn't stable enough to handle this competition. And, you know, we do have seven episodes worth of evidence to back up her claim. Kristin is also upset that Victoria tried to make the rest of them look bad in front of the judges, and Victoria gives a well-deserved WTF about who made whom look bad. As Brittany says that they were just concerned about her health, Victoria tries to end the conversation, saying that she can't take it right now. Kristin sees this as a checkmate, reiterating that Victoria can't handle the stress. Victoria responds that she might not think Kristin is mature enough for certain things -- "certain things" being "eschewing stankery" -- and Kristin says they're not talking about her. Victoria, who is clearly not used to verbal fisticuffs with mean girls, interviews that she's exhausted and despondent. I'm starting to feel that the home school language arts curriculum is just one big word-a-day calendar. In any case, Kristin tells Victoria not to start with her, and Victoria tells Kristin not to start with her, and I think underneath it all we all know who really shouldn't be starting something with whom. Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa, indeed.
Kiara then jumps in to say that the others are so frustrated because they try to reach out to Victoria, but she typically keeps things very private. This makes them wonder even more if something is wrong with her. Well, maybe she is expressing her pain through calisthenics! The grapevine of sorrow. And in completely new and revelatory news, Kiara had a very tough childhood and an absent mother. Boy, has the show gotten a lot of mileage out of that one interview clip! Kiara and Victoria are a study in contrasts of bad mother relationship and good mother relationship, and strong versus weak. Or so thinks Kiara. Randomly, Brittany yells out, "Is it the flu? Is what you have contagious?" I am intrigued by this claim of an illness that is physical in nature rather than mental! Let's do a WebMD search on symptoms of: 1) hysterically crying while calling home; 2) feeling nostalgia for country cooking; 3) excessive character acting; 4) clanging bones; 5) fleeting Irish accent. Victoria, you will be surprised to learn, wishes that she could talk to her mom. Her mom never chastised her for being strange or accused her of having the flu! She encouraged Victoria to be a big, lovable weirdo, which in turn enriched all of our lives! Victoria's mom for president! I bet her name is "Mitt" too.
And then it's time for Tyra Mail! "A good first will get you more bang for your buck! Fierce and love, Tyra." Oh my god, are they going to make Victoria lose her virginity to a really skilled gigolo? Best challenge ever! 10s for everybody! The girls head to Smashbox Studios, where Kelly Cutrone awaits. She explains that today they're sending the girls on castings with clients who are booking real, legit, money jobs. Markus Barrington, a Women's Division Agent from LA Models, is on hand to list the designers they'll be seeing: Guess, Whitney Port, Cecilia Cassini, I Heart Ronson, and Lulu Guiness. Each designer will only be allowed to book one girl, but the girls can book with more than one designer. The winner will be the girl who books the most jobs. The models are paired up into teams of two -- Brittany with Kristin, Laura with Nastasia, and Kiara with Victoria. Kiara puts her arm around Victoria in a way that's supposed to be nurturing, but in fact is annoying. Victoria is not up for playing, "Are you my mother?" quite yet.
The girls set off in three Mini Coopers, and have five hours to complete all of their go-sees. Brittany and Kristin head to Guess first to try on some colorful jeans, and we learn that Kristin is redoubling her efforts to beat Laura. Sarah Boyer, the Senior Merchandising Director at Guess, tells us that Kristin is definitely a contender. When Brittany walks, all Sarah can say is, "...Okay." She's too sweet and girl--door, and even Guess isn't quite ready for a "Little Mermaid sex bomb" campaign quite yet. Kiara and Victoria turn up at Guess , and when asked to talk about herself Kiara mentions playing basketball. Victoria thinks this is very unprofessional and not relevant to why they're there. Well, what does she think they're going to talk about? It's not like any of them has actual modeling experience! The Guess ladies seem to like Kiara just fine.
For reasons having to do with not knowing their way around L.A., Laura and Nastasia decide to go to Guess last and wind up at Lulu Guinness first. Lulu Guiness is a Tim Burton-variety British lady with colorful lip-shaped handbags. She says that Nastasia's looks grew on her, and that she has a more sophisticated appearance when photographed. Brittany and Kristin head to I Heart Ronson, where designer Charlotte Ronson awaits. She explains that I Heart Ronson is a line for JC Penney, so it's about all-American, natural beauty. While Brittany was cute and bubbly, Charlotte thought that Kristin seemed more comfortable with what she was doing.
Kiara and Victoria head to Whitney Port, and it turns out that Victoria has a bit of a girl-crush on Whitney, whom she describes as "diversely talented." Determined not to let Kiara outshine her, Victoria then proceeds to continuously talk over her companion and interrupt at every chance possible. Kiara is not feeing it, and neither is Whitney. She says that Victoria was very excited, and came off like she was trying very hard. Kiara tells us that Victoria needs to chill, and also can take her talk and shove it up her you know what. At least if Victoria shoved her talk up her you know what she might absorb some calories? Charlotte Ronson says that Victoria was very confident, but is too bony for her collection. That is a refreshing point of view until a few moments later, when we hear Charlotte Ronson say that Laura is too big for her collection. Apparently she is the Goldilocks of the fashion world.
Laura and Nastasia head to see Cecilia Cassini, who tells us that she's been designing since she was six years old. She's thirteen now, which simultaneously makes me want to kill her and myself. Nastasia is also like WTF. Cecilia talks about how her collection is very avant garde, I guess because it is designed by a 46-year-old trapped in a child's body. Her life is a continuous showing of Freaky Friday. Stop posing with your measuring tape and go pay hopscotch or something, kid! Come back and show us your clothes after you've lost all your baby teeth! Laura tries to convince us that Cecilia is an inspiration. To me, she's an inspiration to be born of very wealthy parents in my life. As Laura and Nastasia are wrapping up, Kiara and Victoria walk in. Kiara has a little sister who's the same age, and so tries to relate to Cecilia in sort of a "cool babysitter" way. Victoria says that Cecilia is very easy to talk to despite being a child prodigy, and as evidence of her success in this matter we watch the two of them sitting silently as crickets chirp. Cecilia tells us that Victoria was trying to be as bubbly as Kiara, but it was clear that this wasn't her true personality. When you can't even fool a 13-year-old, consider yourself on a legit downhill slide.
We get a brief shot of Kristin and Brittany at Whitney Port, and Laura and Nastasia at Charlotte Ronson. This is where we get the "too big" comment about Laura, and Charlotte Ronson complains fussily about two bowls of porridge brought to her by her assistant. Kiara walks for Lulu Guinness, who says that she obviously has a flair for fashion. Victoria tries to impress Lulu with tales of her British grandmother, but loses her when she admits that she's from Georgia. Meanwhile, Cecilia tells us that she would not book Kristin because her walk was too serious. And judging from the small amount of time we've spent with her, Cecilia is a barrel o' laughs!
With just over 40 minutes to go, Kiara and Victoria make it back to Smashbox Studios. Brittany bites it on the street en route to Lulu Guinness, but manages not to let her bloody knees ruin her go-see. Lulu tells us that Brittany is someone she'd seriously consider, and adds that even though she's pretty Kristin isn't quite right for her line. Laura and Nastasia walk for Whitney Port, and Whitney loves Laura. She also thinks that Nastasia is great, though a bit small for her taste. I think she means skinny-small rather than short-small. With about 25 minutes left to go, Brittany and Kristin make it back to Smashbox. Laura and Nastasia, however, still haven't hit Guess. Guess is the designer that Laura really wanted to go to, and she starts pouting and getting teary. Well, if you wanted to go there so bad, why didn't you hit it first like everyone else? God. I'm sure she's so small-town that she just got dizzy when faced with all those sparkling traffic lights! Nastasia is inwardly annoyed, but outwardly quite patient. They get to Guess with about 14 minutes to go, and Laura gushes and gushes about being there. The Guess ladies think that she looks great in jeans, and the timer tells us that Laura and Nastasia make it back to Smashbox with only two seconds to spare. I highly doubt that this was the case, and am also a little sad that Laura didn't get disqualified and have a meltdown. Will someone please call her self-centered again she we can revel in her freakout?
With everyone back at Smashbox, Kelly reminds the girls that the designers each could only pick one model to book, and adds that they scored each of the girls from 1 - 10 on their performance. The score that they'll get is the combined average from all of the designers. Markus tells Kristin that the designers thought she was absolutely beautiful, but a little uptight and stiff. The designers loved Brittany's energy, but thought that her modeling skills weren't as strong as they could be. Laura was widely noted to be very statuesque, but the designers thought that her walk was stiff. The designers loved how Nastasia photographed, but weren't as sold on her in-person appearance. They enjoyed Kiara's positive energy, but she has some work to do on her walk. And Victoria displayed good manners, but the designers who were looking for someone a bit more "girl door," e.g. with a little flesh on their bodies, didn't feel that she fit their brands. We then learned who booked which gigs: Cecilia Cassini booked Kiara, Lulu Guinness picked Nastasia, Charlotte Ronson booked Kristin, and Whitney Port booked Laura, as did Guess. With two bookings, Laura is the challenge winner. She sheds a few tears of happiness and artificial humility. Meanwhile, Brittany cries as she expresses shock and dismay that she had zero bookings. She tells us that she doesn't know what she did wrong. You didn't kiss the prince hard enough! Go try on a slipper or whistle while you work or something!
The girls head off to a fancy dinner, where Victoria is also downtrodden at having booked zero gigs. Laura tells us that Victoria "obviously does have a couple of problems going on." She too questions whether Victoria can handle the competition. As Victoria expresses confusion about why she didn't book any gigs when she performed well, Kiara tells us her theory -- it involves Kiara being awesome, and perhaps too awesome to be paired up with. And just when you thought things couldn't get worse, P'Trique shows up. He's serving a little dish called Tyra Mail: "A top model knows her best angles, so make sure you stay in line and keep a straight face." Maybe they're going to be sliced in half by giant protractors? Dare we dream?
Back at the house, the girls see their challenge scores, all of which were quite close. Laura got a 7.5, Kiara got a 7.5, Victoria got a 7.3, Brittany got a 6.7, Kristin got a 6.5, and Nastasia got a 6.5. Laura rifles through her prizes -- clothes from each of the designers. It's this particular challenge prize that always makes the non-winners lose their shit a bit. This time, it's Kristin who looks at all the clothes and delivers a death glare in Laura's direction. And no distant memories of an invitation to share in the wonders of the Tyra Suite can ease the tension!
And then the girls go to jail. Jail! A very serious-looking corrections officer leads them off of their bus, and I'm sure is silently stewing about the fact that she doesn't have time for this shit. Kiara notes a keen feeling of dread, and tells us that this is her worst nightmare. As the girls are locked in a cell, Johnny approaches. He's very serious, and sends the girls through the booking process. Wait, you have to wipe off your makeup if you're arrested? How do Paris and Lindsay and the others remain so glamorous for their mug shots? The ladies don orange jumpsuits as Johnny voices over that each year, hundreds of thousands of college students are arrested for serious crimes. Hundreds of thousands? Really? These crimes include drunk driving, assault, drugs, and shoplifting. Despite what you're about to see in the impending photo shoot, Johnny sternly tells us that going to prison is NOT glamorous.
As the girls line up in their jumpsuits, cuffed to one another, Johnny scares them straight by saying that this whole experience has been to help them get into character for their photo shoot. They'll be shooting '50s retro bad girl fashion mug shots, which actually makes little ole' law abiding ME want to go to jail. The photographer for the day is Mark "The Cobra Snake" Hunter, who I think is actually Andy Kaufman. Brittany tells us that "The Cobra Snake" is kind of famous, which I guess is how he can afford that blue lame shirt and get away with being so hairy.
Then there's Nastasia, who has gone full chola and been arrested for beating on another girl. She's got little paw print tattoos on her boobs, which actually really suit her. Nastasia extends her legs to give herself some length, which Johnny is really happy about. And finally we have Kiara, with all of her arrest-induced trauma. Johnny tells us that she was holding back on set, as evidenced by her limp handling of her "Crack is Whack" arrest board. As Johnny tells her to let it go and scream and get it out, Kiara bursts into a loud, "Fuck you!" and finds her energy again. The other girls think that she's a little crazy, and Brittany wonders if the pictures will actually look good. She goes back to non-creaming poses after that, though, and Johnny thinks that they got some good photos after she let loose a little. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone will be eliminated. Kiara reminds us that the photo shoot was very emotional and difficult for her, and she's unsure as to how it translated to film. Meanwhile, Brittany tells Laura that she thinks Kristin and Kiara are at risk. She is VERY off on this point, even if she's being deluded because she wants to win the competition so badly.
With that, it's panel time! We enter into it with Rob and Tyra posing in a mug shot photo for crimes of passion," which is pretty hot. Less so is Tyra's very bright pink space-dress, which coupled with the bright pink panel background is designed to blow out our retinas so that we never fully know how whack the winners of this show truly are. There are prizes, there are judges. Determined to make himself even more tiresome, Bryanboy wears a hat with a veil. The girls are all wearing little booty shorts, and look great despite my general hatred of all things that are neither pants, a dress, or a skirt.
Kristin is first to be evaluated, and Kelly gives her credit because her photos have gone up a level. Rob agrees that this is the most high fashion photo of hers. Tyra says that she'd like to see Kristin working her body a little more, then calls it an excuse when Kristin tells her that it was a challenge to be shot from the waist up. H2T modeling is H2T modeling, even when you can't see it! Let this be a lesson to all of us! Kristin is still doing great in terms of social media, and gets 8s from Kelly and Rob and a 7 from Tyra. Nastasia is , and Kelly isn't sure about her upturned eyes. Rob agrees that the eyes kill it, but Tyra likes the eyes and everything else. And though Bryanboy personally loves Nastasia's shot, the fans online aren't digging it. Nastasia gets 7s from Rob and Kelly and an 8 from Tyra.
up is Victoria. When asked how she did on the castings, Victoria rambles on about how professional she was and did so well before admitting that she didn't book any of the go-sees. The panel laughs. Victoria does not laugh. To make things worse, Kelly says that her photo is "upsetting." If it were a still from a movie about a crazy southern kleptomaniac, Kelly would have dug it. But as a fashion shot, it does not work. Rob agrees that Victoria didn't nail it, but appreciates that she takes risks. And though I tend to just ignore the fan comments that run along the bottom of the screen during panel, I happened to pause on this gem by Franzrey: "Victoria looked like she saw a clown riding a bicycle with a ghost behind it." Janice Dickinson has so many online aliases! Tyra likes the fact that Victoria pushed, but says that her eyes lacked spark. She calls this underacting instead of really going for it, which makes me afraid to see what Victoria brings to the shoot. As Bryanboy says that Victoria disappointed her fans, she interrupts to say that she wanted to get a good shot, but there was some personal stuff going on. To elaborate, she does not mention her own special crazy times, but instead says that she felt attacked, bullied and ostracized by some of the other girls. Kelly tells the others that picking on and bullying Victoria after knowing some of her issues -- like being home schooled -- is horrendous. Victoria should be feeling even more daggers in her back at this moment, because the other girls are most decidedly not feeling this true (and, I think, exaggerated) confession. She gets an 8 from Tyra, a 7 from Rob, and a 6 from her bodyguard Kelly.
Kiara is up , and Kelly tells her that she looks way older in her face - as old as an old hag 34-year-old woman. The horrors! But Rob likes that Kiara demands a lot of attention in her photos. Bryanboy notes that social media still hates Kiara, even though he personally loves her. Kiara gets a 7 from Kelly and a 9 from Rob. Tyra says that she would have given Kiara a 9, but due to her photo's necklessness, she gets a 7. Then there's Brittany, who gets straight to the point by admitting that she booked no jobs. Kelly finds this odd, given that all the brands were very girly-girl. Well, it's not like the other models are exactly androgynous, either. Brittany's photo is so-so, and Rob says that even though he wants to like it, Brittany is starting to fall short every week. Kelly doesn't like the photo either, and says that for a supposed nudist the whole thing isn't very hot. Bryanboy claims that Brittany's fans have been carrying her through the competition, but Tyra says that she's had some amazing shots, and her body of work is better than this week's photo. Though this particular photo is a 5, Brittany's body of work brings it up to a 7. Is that how they're judging now? Kelly gives Brittany a 6, and Rob gives her a 5.
Last but not least is Laura. She of course was the challenge winner and her photo is hot, cool, and bad-ass. Kelly adds that Laura is beautiful in person, but pops even more on film. That's a really great quality to have as a model. Tyra and Rob both agree that, as a model, when people come up to you and say you look better in person it's an insult. People on social media love Laura, and Bryanboy is getting bored with it. While people don't see what he sees in Kiara, Bryanboy doesn't see what people see in Laura. Queen of Mean Kelly even thinks this is a little harsh, and Rob jumps to Laura's defense by saying that every week she's done something different. Tyra points out that Bryanboy comes from high-high fashion, whereas Laura, with her foundation and unflattering eyeliner, looks very commercial. Laura promises that she'll scrub her face time. Laura gets 9s across the board and is quite happy. She's still got the blotchy chest thing going, and what appears to be a very orange spray tan.
Six beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she has only five photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. The social media scores have been added in, and it's Laura who gets best photo of the week. She had a fan vote of 6.465 (they're really going to the thousandth of a point?) and a total score of 41.0. She washed her face during the commercial, and Tyra tells her that she really doesn't need to wear makeup other than in her photo shoots. Kristin is the runner up, with a fan vote of 6.277 and a total score of 35.8. Kiara is called , with a fan vote of 4.310 and a total score of 34.8. Then there's Nastasia, who had a fan vote of 4.835 and a total score of 33.3.
This leaves Victoria and Brittany in the bottom two. Two girls, one photo. Uncoincidentally, these are the two girls who did not book jobs on the castings. Victoria is a model who knows how to bring character to a photo, but there's inconsistency. Some of her photos are more caricature than character, which is not a good thing. Brittany struggled with who she was for a time, but then got "amazing permission" to be the sweet girl. From whom? However, she's let go. Of what? I mean, it's not like Tyra ever makes much sense, but there are weeks when I think she's being dubbed from the original Japanese. So who stays? It's Victoria, who has a fan vote of 4.326 and a total score of 32.6. Brittany, with her fan vote of 5.644 and a total score of 30.3, is eliminated.
Brittany cries and cries, and Tyra gives her a hug. She says that who Brittany is and what she believes in is a great thing that works for her modeling. However, she can't forget it, because the minute it goes away in a photo she loses her power and magic. Does she really? Brittany can't believe that she's been eliminated, because this is her dream, and dreams always come true when you wish upon a star! She then quotes Walt Disney. You know, I think that all of Victoria's outward nuttiness just masks the fact that Brittany is truly the crazy one.
But wait! Tyra tells Brittany that it's not over yet, since she's still in the running to come back. And this is the moment of truth! RIGHT NOW, says Tyra, RIGHT NOW, they are going to find out which eliminated girl had the highest average social media score and gets to come back. Brittany will be included in that mix. And then Darian, Yvonne, Jessie, Leila, Destiny, and Allyssa walk out on stage. Brittany is instructed to join them in her second line-up of the week. And then of course it's a cliffhanger, and we won't find out who rejoins the competition until week. Curse you, Tyra! Per usual!
week: Someone comes back for real, just in time to go to Jamaica with the rest of the models! And in a surprise twist, Victoria continues to be crazy.
Potes is the model who's coming back week! Thanks for all the fan votes, you guys! Tweet your congratulations @traciepotes, or email potesypotes@gmail.com.