This week, the girls get a lesson on creating or faking chemistry with male models for sexy shoots. They are told to "break the ice," and then get three minutes to do so with a "shy male model" on a tram. That so-called "shy male model" is actually Nigel Barker. Creepiness and weirdness abounds, and surprisingly, none of it comes from Nigel. Angelea takes it upon herself to demonstrate her Hammer dance, Anslee quite surprisingly has decent social skills, and Jessica is a total molester.
Ann Shoket shows up to help judge the challenge -- a shoot that calls for intimacy and seduction. If you're contemplating a life of masochism, listening to Ann Shoket say "intimacy and seduction" is a good way to start. The girls pose with comedian Ross Matthews who, as Raina says, "isn't the most handsome gentleman in the entire world." They don lingerie and give five frames, shot by Nigel, who's taking the photos from the street while the girls slut it up with Ross in a third-floor window. Angelea engages in some crotch-revealing dreckitude, while Jessica's molesty skills come in handy. She's the winner, and gets a $6,500 pair of diamond earrings.
Perhaps because she has no one to yell at about proper refrigeration techniques for frozen vegetables, Anslee is very depressed. She also misses her daughter a lot, and gets into a funk that is pretty intense.
This week's photo shoot is designed to raise awareness of the biggest fashion crime -- purchasing knock-offs. Frankly, I think it's a crime to sell a purse for $3,000, so I would say this claim is debatable. In accordance with this theme, however, the girls are fake from head to toe -- fake hair, fake lashes, fake fur, fake contacts, etc. Jessica, who is having a terrific week, absolutely nails it and hers is named the best photo. Anslee is a mess but manages to squeak through for another week. An uninspired Alexandra and inconsistent Tatianna land in the bottom two, with Tatianna sent home to pursue her dreams of becoming a coroner.
Previously on America's Top Model: A Cover Girl challenge had the girls "larger than life" on a Times Square jumbotron. In other words: my nightmares have been made real. Run for the hills! Tatianna won, because she acted the dumbest. Meanwhile, Anslee and Alasia had a fight over frozen vegetables, which no one had even used to spell out "respeito" on the kitchen counter. A vampire-themed photo shoot had gore galore, which continued as Simone got the boot. Nine bitches remain!
We begin at the house, where there's a mail call. Everyone is quite excited for letters from home. Anslee reads a letter from her daughters and breaks down in tears. It says, "Hey, mommy, I miss you and I ask about you every day. I love you." The "I ask about you every day" kills me. Like, "Um, hey dad. Do you know what happened to mom? No? Just thought I'd check again." Anslee, who is really just a fountain of drama, says that to be on the bottom and know you can lose everything is very hard. She's put her daughter through a lot of anxiety and hurt that is needless, since Anslee "might" not come home with anything. We see a photo of Anslee's daughter, who is super cute. Anslee feels like there's a part of her that's not there, and says it's the worst feeling in the world. I don't know, just one time I'd love to see someone on this show be like, "Woo! Am I glad to be away from that brat for a couple of weeks!" I think going on a reality show at that critical stage when your baby isn't sleeping through the night is actually an excellent strategy.
Meanwhile, Jessica likes to drink pickle juice. Tatianna thinks that's gross, and says that instead she really likes bodily functions. Jessica calls Tatianna a science geek. Tatianna interviews that she's going to school to become a coroner, and would actually like to be on the scene of the crime and determine a cause of death. She notes that being a coroner and being a model are basically mutually exclusive. She dropped out of school to be on the show, which tells us that she chose modeling and/or is hoping that Janice Dickinson is allowed to return to set with a machete. I just had a flash of a Tyra-in-a-futuristic-jumpsuit chalk outline, and I liked it.
Tyra Mail! "u don't need 2 b a scientist 2 b good at chemistry. Luv, Tyra." The girls arrive at Roosevelt Island, where Miss J. greets them. He notes that last week featured a photo shoot with a sexy vampire (aren't they all?), and that the girls need some help working with the opposite sex. There are a lot of campaigns featuring couples who look like they're about to bone each other right on top of a bottle of CK One. But surprise! Those couples aren't actually couples, but rather contracted individuals instructed to get sexified and coked to the gills to help in the process. So how do you create that instant chemistry so that it translates into a hot and steamy picture? According to Miss J., you break the ice. Say something funny! Ask the male model about himself! Try a knock-knock joke! Bust out your Bea Arthur impression! There's nothing like saying, "Stanley, take off that ridiculous toupee!" to someone you're about to straddle. Miss J. also recommends eye contact, even if the guy has cross-eyes. He gives sound advice in saying that you should follow the eye that doesn't move. Sometimes it takes a minute to figure out which one that is, though. Ultimately, you should make the guy feel comfortable, he says. Typical.
The girls will be practicing on the tram, where they will meet a former male model they all know and love. He's the star of a popular television show, and has modeled alongside countless beautiful women including Miss J. The girls get on the tram one at a time, with Miss J. and the mystery model, who happens to be Nigel Barker. We are reminded with pictorial proof that Nigel was once a bushy-headed male model. He's such a useless tool these days that I actually routinely forget how hot he is. Angelea is first to try to break the ice with Nigel. A poor extra hangs out on the train and bears witness to the madness that is to come. Angelea first asks Nigel if he has a girlfriend, and responds with, "Mmm... hmmm. reow!" complete with cat claw hand motion. She then asks if Nigel wants to see her Hammer dance. YES! Oh, if only she were wearing parachute pants rather than skinny jeans. The Hammer dance is pretty awesome, though all Nigel can say is, "Wow." He is momentarily speechless when he tries to tell us about Angelea, before noting that chemistry isn't always about going to extremes. Ultimately, he says, you've got to be you. And, I guess we're to imply, not a Hammerized version of you.
Alexandra stands to Nigel and opens with, "Don't look now, but there's an insanely hot, tall girl standing to you. I'm going to say 5'11, hips that don't lie, 36C." Subtext, "Would you like a corndog? Because that's what I'm selling." Nigel points out that Alexandra is a beautiful girl, and so doesn't have to announce it. He's glad when their ride is over, which sucks for her. She realizes that she was a jerk, and feels bad about it. Tatianna is very comfortable talking to Nigel, and tells him that his green sneakers are pretty cool. He points out that he's wearing orange socks as well. She knows that this is British and says, "I don't know how far that's gonna get you here." Nigel calls this the, "I'm going to break you down and... oh, God, I don't have time to build you back up!" routine. He was miserable by the end.
Anslee is , and has flashbacks to the moment when Nigel called her out on her excuse-making at last week's panel. She asks Nigel to tell her something interesting about himself, and he replies that he likes to go on "adventures," hiking and camping and such. She asks, "Outdoors?" I imagine that all conversations between models are just this riveting. Anslee asks Nigel about his family, and then talks about her daughter some. Nigel tells us that Anslee was being herself, and being honest. This is a good thing. Jessica is , and is determined to really bust out during this practice. She does this by being an absolute freak. She first tells Nigel that he's cute, and asks his name while maniacally moving her eyebrows up and down. She then feels the side of her body while telling him her name. And then she totally molests him, wrapping her leg around him like he's a human stripper pole. Nigel tells her that she's making him uncomfortable. And that's something coming from a perv like him. Jessica then says that they're going to do a nude shoot or something, and suggests taking their clothes off. "Let's start practicing!" she says. A real surprise that this one was pregnant at 16, eh? Jessica puts her hands all over Nigel's head, and then he actually recoils in fear as she tugs at his jeans! Miss J. can hardly contain himself as we head to commercials.
And then it's time for the Cover Girl Top Model Lounge with past faves Bianca and Laura dishing about what just happened! Laura mostly hopes that Jessica doesn't actually rape Nigel. That would certainly turn this into a "very special episode," and not in a good way.
When we return, the molestation continues. Nigel asks, "What was that? I don't know, I feel kind of assaulted." Jessica calls him "sweet cheeks" as their tram comes to a stop. Nigel hasn't even fully gained his composure as he meets with all the girls at the end of the practice. He tells them that, ultimately, they might go out and meet people who are celebrities and/or in big campaigns. They still have to break the ice. That said, the way they present themselves can lead them down "the garden path," which I guess is British for something good happening, or it could lead to trouble and a sexual harassment suit. He once again tells the girls to be themselves, which is, in this instance, terrible advice.
That night, the girls head back to Manhattan to put their newfound chemistry skills to the test. Nigel introduces them to fucking Ann Shoket, editor-in-chief of Seventeen magazine, who will be the judge for this challenge. Ann greets them with her customary, "Hi ladieeeeeeeees!" She's hoping to be molested by Jessica, I think. Ann tells the girls that they're going to be posing in a photo shoot that calls for intimacy and seduction, and they have to make it believable. Nigel will be shooting the girls, and Ann will help him choose the winner, the one who has the most realistic shots. The girls then learn who they'll be posing with -- comedian Ross Mathews. So this is where all the emphasis on believability comes in. Nigel notes that the girls may have seen Ross on The Insider or Chelsea Lately. He doesn't mention The Tonight Show, which seems odd. Raina tells us that Ross is hilarious, but "isn't the most handsome gentleman in the entire world." Also, gay as a gadfly. The girls will have to pose with Ross in a second-story window as Nigel shoots them from below. It's supposed to be like a hot, steamy, exhibitionistic kind of moment. [I'd like to point out that they did nearly this identical challenge on Make Me a Supermodel with far sexier results. -- Angel] Ann tells the girls to keep it real, no matter how much Ross makes them laugh. Nigel announces that the girls will only have five frames, and since they're in the window and Nigel's down below, they won't know exactly when the shots are being taken. They'll be competing for $6,500 earrings from Jude Frances jewelry.
The girls get outfitted in frilly lingerie. Angelea comments, "I was wearing this one-piece, like, tan lingerie, it was like, reow. You know, I was looking sexy. I was feeling myself." Indeed. Ann enters and upon seeing the scantily clad models gives the longest, "Hi ladieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" ever. She's so turned on right now, I can't even tell you. Ross is with her, and feels the opposite, but in a jovial way. Krista is first to pose in the window with Ross. Holy crap, is she skinny. Krista notes the challenge of finding the light, looking at Nigel a story down, and getting Ross to touch a woman for the first time. Raina pushes Ross down to the floor and climbs awkwardly atop him. I think Ross actually kind of likes it, even if he does yell out, "Whoa! Where's that hand going?" Anslee is up , and tells us that she needs to win something to boost herself back up. She actually has a good sort of pin-up vibe about her, and Ross yells out, "I think we're gonna do it!" By "it" he means, "our taxes." Then there's Angelea. And really, I thank the lord for her every day. Angelea wants to put one leg up. By "up" she means, "awkwardly atop Ross's shoulder with my crotch flashing Fifth Avenue." Nigel refuses to take a photo of Angelea's crotch, but then does it anyway.
is Jessica the molester. Ross can sense her "kitten with a whip" vibe. Jessica isn't about to let Ross make her laugh, because she wants a good picture. Jessica knows something about looking sexy, and Nigel notes that she's taking control and doing a good job. Tatianna is , and has Ross grab a necktie loosely wrapped around her neck as she wears his bowler hat. Nigel doesn't know what's going on, but eventually likes the shot where it looks like Tatianna's going down for the beej. Alexandra is , and looks like she's taking Ross down in a round of high school wrestling. Not pretty.
Nigel and Ann, who says, "That was steamier than anything I've ever seen at Seventeeeeeen Magaziiiiiiiine," give the girls their evaluations. Some of Tatianna's shots really worked, but some were too extreme and felt contrived. Nigel was surprised with Jessica, who was a molester at the teach. Her go-getcha attitude worked in this situation. Anslee's biggest problem was that she held her head too high, and lost her face. However, she brought a certain demure calmness to the shoot. Alexandra has amazing curves, but Ann wanted to see her play against them. And the winner is...Angelea's crotch! Just kidding. It's Jessica. She's pretty psyched to get her expensive earrings. Anslee is surprised that she didn't win, because she felt a real connection with Ross. While a mutual love of Judy Garland is a connection of sorts, it's maybe not the one that will lead to winning a sexy times challenge. Alasia, because she had the best photo last week, also wins a special prize -- a $5,000 diamond encrusted ring. There is much excitement from her frilly green ass.
Back at the house, Anslee gets on the phone with her dad. She's in tears as she says she misses everyone. Anslee is, like, seriously depressed. She says that when you're on the bottom, you think about everything you've given up and everything you've worked so hard for going down the tubes. She continues to weep as she says she misses her daughter, Chloe, so much. With this, we head to commercials.
When we return, there is Tyra Mail: "2morrow ur going 2 find out who's fake, and who keeps it real. Luv, Tyra." The girls head to Canal Street, where they find the Jays and a guy hawking fake bags and belts. Mr. Jay says that there are two things wrong with buying these wares: 1) it's illegal; 2) it's going to fall apart in a week. Miss J., however, would like to use this opportunity to buy Tyra a birthday present. Alasia narrates the fight between the Jays as such: "One of them's like holding a purse in the hand and they're like, 'This is real! Nah, this is real!' And Jay is like, 'Nah, this is not real. This is not real.'" That's exactly how it goes down. Miss J. talks the vendor down to $15 from $20 and discovers that he's an undercover cop. Fakely, since this is a fake set-up about being fake.
Jay announces that the biggest fashion crime that the girls could ever commit is to purchase knock-off goods. Designers work so hard to create their designs, he says, but the fashion industry loses about $9.2 billion a year due to counterfeit goods. Because everyone who buys a $20 knock-off would otherwise spend $3,000 on a bag that looks roughly the same? Right. Jay claims that this costs a lot of people a lot of jobs. In sweatshops. I mean, all this shit comes from sweatshops, right? It's just that when it comes from a Burberry sweatshop it's marked up by 6,000%. Jay says that today they're raising awareness about the cost of being fake. You want television with a message? Look no further. So for today's shoot, the girls will be dressed in head-to-toe fakery -- fake lashes, fake contacts, fake suntan, fake fur. But fake fur is good! And is the Small Orange Man himself really going to diss the fake tan? The knockoff huckster slash undercover cop is actually the photographer for the shoot. His name is D-Nice, and he is also a DJ.
The girls head to the Land of Fake, where wardrobe stylist Eric Orlando actually says, "That jacket's fierce." Vincent Oquendo is the makeup artist, and is up to some really crazy shit today. Tatianna reminds us that Tyra has told her in the past that her film is crappy, so she's going to try to work what she's got and do better. Jay asks her if she feels pretty in her fake getup, and Tatianna says that she doesn't like her exaggerated lips. Jay tells her that in Alexander McQueen shows, for example, the models looked like they had been punched right in the kisser, too. Tatianna has to push through all the craziness and the fake pink fur vest to sell herself, as well as the concept. Tatianna has a real thing with putting her hands by her face, which Jay does not seem to be a fan of. He says that it cheapened the look. The already deliberately cheap look. Tatianna says that, given her mediocre feedback, she's not expecting to be at the top of the heap come elimination time.
Alasia is up , working some very high hair and giant eyes. We breeze by her, so I'm assuming she does fine. Raina actually has eyeballs painted on her eyelids, so even when her eyes are closed they look open. That is freaky and I want to do it always. She has giant fake lashes as well, and kind of looks like one of those three-headed baby dolls with the slow-moving eyes that haunt my nightmares. Jay tells us that Raina really noticed what the makeup artist did with her face, and really sold the look. Jessica feels really stupid in her getup, but is determined to push harder and harder to impress the judges even more. Jay asks for extreme poses, and Jessica delivers. She pops up and down like there's a trampoline beneath her, and generally just rocks it. Jay loves it, and says that she embodied this creative and made it work, and that's what you book a top model for. She nailed it.
Krista is , with some bright green fur and leggings. Jay loves her awkward posing. Brenda is decked out in orange, and Jay tells her to wake up. He thinks that she can do better. At this point, I'm not so sure. Backstage, Anslee gets some sympathy from a member of the glam squad. Basically, she's pouting up a storm. She tells us that she was emotionally distraught, and that she commanded herself to get it together and show the judges who she is. Anslee wears a Lady Gaga wig and vows to be everything she is -- bubbly, outgoing, and stupid. Despite her intentions, however, she falls flat on set. Jay tells her that she looks skanky, and then she kind of just stands there dead-eyed. He thinks she couldn't figure out what she was there to do today -- basically, she was lost. Anslee tries jumping half-heartedly, and almost breaks an ankle. She does a bit better toward the end, but when the shoot's over Jay says that she had a mad case of fashion constipation. Anslee tells him that she had a rough start to her morning, but is doing better. She's proud that she didn't have a total meltdown. On this show, I guess that's something.
And then there's Angelea. Dear, sweet, Angelea. She struts to set, resplendent in her fakery. She looks amazing, and her absolute weirdness works to her great advantage. She is a woman who can wear giant eyelashes in the crease of her eyelid. Alexandra is , and tells us that she's no longer overly confident like she was in the past. Yeah, I'm guessing that giant pendulum took care of the hubris but good. At this point, she's pushing herself to do well. Jay tells her that he needs her to sell the extreme nature of the shoot's concept. Alexandra gives it a shot, but Jay is none too enthused about her performance. He tells us that Alexandra is usually his favorite and lets nothing attack her confidence, but today she fell short of herself. He tells her that it wasn't bad, but it was obvious that her special spark wasn't there today. On that sparkless note, it's a wrap! As Alexandra mourns about not being able to prove to anyone else that she deserves to be there, we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls get the Tyra Mail of Doom. Someone's getting the boot. Tatianna says that she doesn't have much worry about the competition. As much as she gave is what she's going to get at panel. She predicts that she'll be toward the bottom. I think Tatianna us told us that she half-assed it! I appreciate the honestly, as Tatianna herself appreciates bodily functions. Meanwhile, Alexandra is pissed at herself. The others tell her not to get down, and Krista seems to think that Alexandra's depressed mood has something to do with her plus-sized status. Alexandra says that's not it. She's a competitive person, and so tends to beat herself up about the little things. And the big things, like getting knocked off of the runway by a giant pendulum. She's hitting a low point, and feels like she can't do anything right.
We head to panel, where Tyra is wearing yet another jumpsuit. This one is bright red, leading her to look like a futuristic tomato. There are prizes, there are judges. ALT is wearing a matching bright red shiny cloak, and is sitting in his finger-facelift signature pose. Pat Cleveland is the guest judge. Tyra explains that she was a supermodel back in the day, and is in fact legendary. She's walked the runway for Valentino, Oscar de la Renta, Yves Saint Laurent, and was a muse for Halston. She also apparently used to be black. Tyra crows that Pat once owned a modeling agency in Milan, and signed a very young model who went on to be "pretty successful." And that girl is Tyra. What, no story about how she left home at 14?
Krista is up first before the panel. Nigel notes that she has a decent repertoire of moves, and Pat loves Krista's bone structure and skin tone. She says, "You caught something in yourself." Crabs? Brenda is . Nigel says that when he photographed Brenda she lacked chemistry. Her photos were good, but there was no life in them. In this photo, however, there is some life. ALT thinks it has charm and power, and that Brenda looks especially strong in the face. It might very well be Brenda's best photograph yet. Then there's Alexandra. Pat says that Alexandra is carrying a lot of fake junk in her photo, but she still needs to be an artist and visualize her pose before she does it. ALT says that Alexandra lucked out, because the styling has carried her over. The opulence of her hair and double entendre eyelashes are working, but the pose is almost catalog. Tyra likes the photo but doesn't love it, and thinks that Alexandra can do better.
up is Tatianna. ALT says that she looks like a blasé broken doll -- she's been there, done it, and is looking for the party. Tyra is very confused by Tatianna. Every week her film is the weakest, but she's always able to find a photo that makes Tatianna a middle-runner. Nigel notes that he had to take five frames of each girl at the challenge, and while four of Tatianna's frames were dreadful, one was stellar. She has to work on being good more often than occasionally. Anslee is . Tyra tells her to make her hair spikier up top, to give her some height. A puffy head is a model's best asset. Anslee's photo tells a story, and Pat loves that she's put emotion into it. Tyra also loves Anslee's face. She's like a wounded fake girl, with an insatiable need for fakery that only makes her sad in the end. Nigel says that Anslee is fake in all the right ways, but needs to pave her angles. She's a bit boxy in the figure, and needs to work and play with angles other than straight-on.
Angelea has got it going on, but you know that. ALT says, "I would want to talk to you if I saw you at the party on the street. I'd want to say, 'Oh, I must meet her!'" Tyra defines Angelea's look as, "I'm fake, and what? Whatchu gonna say about it?" I guess if I'm a Small Orange Man I'm going to say that buying knockoffs is the biggest fashion crime you can commit. Tyra rhapsodizes about Angelea's photo, and while she does so ALT shakes his magical wand at her. That is not a euphemism. He mouths something, too, which might be in French. And I think he might want to French Angelea, in fact, as he once again emphatically says that she's got it going on.
Jessica is . Her photo is great, in no small part because she has her feet off of the ground and is full of energy. Nigel tells her that it's a magnetic photo, and every part of her body is telling a story. She takes great pictures. Raina is , and has done a twist. A literal twist, to disguise her square torso. ALT says that Raina often has great emotion in her face, but this time it's not doing it for him. Pat tells Raina to be more sure of what she's going for. Last but not least is Alasia. Her best shot is beloved by ALT, who says, "You always captivate and fascinate me." Nigel loves Alasia's body, but wish that her head wasn't looking down. Pat agrees, and tells Alasia to be sure of herself and give something from her heart. This will translate through her eyes in a sort of heart smize. Hesmize? Think about it as we head to commercials.
Tyra tells Tatianna that she's an anomaly -- she has some of the prettiest photos in the competition, but doesn't quite get it. However, she has potential and just needs to develop the skill. Or go back to draining bodies of their precious life fluid. Tatianna says that she's disappointed herself. She didn't know what her talents were coming into the competition. She doesn't want to stop pursuing modeling -- she plans to take Tyra's advice and see what she can do, though she's sad about leaving.
week: the girls work some New York attitude at their Cover Girl shoot, and there is trash talking galore!