This week, the girls learn a little something about improv as they head to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. Working from lessons that we initially learned from the original Star Search spokesmodel competition, the girls are told to be shut their collective yappers. They must be expressive with their faces and their bodies while remaining silent, as they act out an emotion and an action all at once. Like angrily changing a diaper, which is always funnier when the professional comedian/fat dude does it. If you're a fan of dreckitude, this teach is for you. The girls take what they "learned" into their challenge, a live improvised Cover Girl commercial that's shown on a jumbotron in Times Square. Basically, the girls have to act excited about some sort of new product (that Cover Girl model Dania Ramirez shills with wild enthusiasm) on camera while a voice over plays. Tatianna is the only one who truly acts a fool, and so wins. Anslee claims that she did poorly because she couldn't hear the instructions for the challenge and so misunderstood it, which makes a person wonder why she didn't just ask someone. These girls are bitches, but I doubt they're smart enough to actually try to sabotage her.
In drama news, Sally Hershberger shows up to "fix" Brenda's hair by shaving the sides and making the top really high. She goes from looking like Chucky to looking like an edged-out Alfred E. Newman, which I guess is an improvement. Anslee and Alasia then go nuts on each other, all over some frozen peas. There is screaming and pointing in faces and hitting the kitchen countertop. Krista plays peacemaker, mostly because she wants them to shut up so she can go to sleep.
The photo shoot of the week has the girls posing with a hot, fanged-out guy as recently converted vampires. So, now you know the vampire trend is officially over. They must pose in a tub of blood and also wear white-out contacts. These not only make it impossible to smize, but render the girls practically blind. Brenda, of course, has a nervous breakdown about having to wear the contacts, even though no one else seems to find them scary or painful. Tatianna, who is a volunteer mortician, has no problem with the tub of blood, and probably only wishes it was real. Alasia pulls out the best photo for the second consecutive week, while excuses-loving Anslee and stiff Simone land in the bottom two. Anslee stays, while Simone gets sent back to college to write more of those research papers she keeps talking about.
Previously on America's Top Model: Toccara quizzed the girls aboard the Fab Bus, and Simone came away with the prize at a Bluefly.com go-see. There was a dance-themed photo shoot, and it was the last days of disco for Ren, who didn't want to be on this show anyway except to get her mom to love her. Ten bitches remain!
The girls head out of judging in their giant limo, and we're reminded that Brenda landed in the bottom two last week when she couldn't pull out a good "African dance" photo. What we didn't see, however, is that Tyra told Brenda that yet another transformation was going to take place. Brenda's prize for not being able to rock her "edgy" look is to get an "edgier" look. And, whoa. Brenda has already received her makeover in her interview, and it looks like what would happen if Sally Hershberger gave you a Mohawk with hedgetrimmers. Just when you thought she couldn't get any more tragic! Brenda tells us she's having a crisis. I don't blame her. She had really pretty hair before, and now she looks like her head got stuck in a garbage disposal.
There's Tyra Mail in the limo! "when things don't go ur way, sometimes u need 2 improvise. Luv, Tyra." Anslee wonders if they'll be going to a comedy club, which might actually be a nice change from all the unintentional humor we get on a weekly basis. Anslee says she's given up a lot to be in this competition, including being away from her child. This is an opportunity of a lifetime, and she's doing it to make a better life for her family. Then there's Simone. She's currently a sophomore at Duke, and tells us that she's started off slightly above average at most things she's done in her life. With modeling, however, she has to work a little bit harder. She thinks this is the time that she needs to stand out and start showing improvement. The thinkers never do well on this show, so really she's just doomed.
The girls head to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, where they meet Miss J. He tells them that improv is all about doing things with humor, and "thinking with the quickness." So is recapping! I'm thinking with quickness at lightning pace so I can meet my deadline tonight! Miss J. says that sometimes you have to think with the quickness while modeling. He tells the girls to look, watch, and learn because they'll need the skills they're about to learn in their photo shoot. Anslee says that improv has a lot to do with modeling, because every time you step in front of a camera you're interpreting something. You can't do it with words, so you must do it with facial expressions and body language. Naturally symmetrical facial expressions and 110-pound body language, that is.
The girls sit in the audience as the UCB crew comes running out. Actor/comedian J.B. Smoove addresses everyone and gives himself a plug. He introduces a game called emotional scenes, in which the UCB actors throw out an action, and the audience members throw out an emotion. The emotion is then attached to the action, and the actor improvs a silent melding of the two. One of the actors demonstrates "changing a baby's diaper" angrily. He licks his fingers and then shows his fat belly, which is what makes it funny. That's a guy who knows how to think with the quickness. The crowd goes wild. This might be the time to reveal that once upon a time I co-wrote a musical about Monica Lewinsky (yes, you read that right), which graced this very stage. Featuring Frenchie Davis as Betty Currie. I'm just saying.
J.B. Smoove asks for "volunteers" from the audience. Brenda, who has shown herself to be pretty humorless heretofore, is first. She must change a tractor tire with shock. J.B. and Miss J. are not getting "shock." It would be so fantastic if someone thought with the quickness and Tasered them as they were saying this. Alasia must scuba dive delightedly. Good thing she appears to be wearing her silver lamé bathing suit underneath her sweater! Alasia gets some points for energy, but the execution is lacking. Miss J. helpfully points out that black people don't scuba dive. Simone must be depressed as she's riding a horse. She tells us that in academia you know exactly what to expect (namely, a lot of bullshit and keg stands), but she's now outside of her comfort zone. J.B. thinks she's more sad than depressed. Simone explains that she fell at the end of her improv and was too depressed to get back on the horse! That is subtle genius. Whatever, I love Simone, even if she is kind of a terrible model. Anslee must be paranoid as she's washing a Ferrari. She scrubs tentatively, and gets nary a laugh in her long-ass improv. Angelea tells us she was a hot mess. Wait, how did we miss Angelea's doubtlessly brilliant improv? J.B. lies that the girls have done a tremendous job, and we're out.
The girls finally make it home, and see Alasia's best-of-week photo. Anslee tells us that Alasia doesn't deserve to be there, because she's not enough in control of her emotions. We flash back to Alasia screaming in Ren's greasy face to prove this point. People apparently defend Alasia by saying that she's young, but Anslee doesn't buy it. She says she didn't act that way at 18 years old. Well, she acts that way now, as we will soon see. Delayed gratification, maybe? Anslee found out that she was pregnant at 19, and tell us that words can't describe how fast she had to grow up. This is a lesson to us all that we should think with the quickness and whip out the condoms during baby-making times!
Tyra Mail! "2morrow u r really going 2 blow up. Luv, Tyra." But before the blowing up, Sally Hershberger pays a visit to the girls at their apartment. We've already seen poor Brenda's hideous hair, so this is really kind of gratuitous. Sally directly blames Brenda for not being able to work her hair (which, the problem might be with the hair to begin with, if you ask me) and says she's there to "edge it out." Brenda asks if Sally's going to completely buzz off her hair. Sally replies, "Maybe." Brenda is displeased and Sally retorts, "You're a model! That's what you guys have to do." Tough talk from a woman who is the celebrity twin of Steven Tyler. Commercials.
When we return, Brenda's "edging out" commences. All the girls watch as Sally takes clippers and shaves the sides of Brenda's hair. Just the sides. Angelea is LOVING this. Brenda is not. Sally says it's more "'80s punk" and should look as if Brenda has done it herself. Just what you've always wanted -- a cut from a famous stylist that makes you look like you've taken a Flowbee to your head. Brenda notes that the other girls stayed quiet, and probably figured that she was out for good now. Brenda looks at her hair and all she can say about it is, "Very different." Ah, the ultimate anti-compliment. At least she appears to have gotten some free product. That thing is going to be a bitch to grow out.
The girls head to Times Square, home to throngs of people and jumbotrons. The girls stand before one such jumbotron, where they see Cover Girl Dania Ramirez. She says that being part of the Cover Girl family is awesome. She's not only representing herself, she says, but helping other women to find the tools to be the best that they can be. This is why she's so excited to let everybody know that she's the new face of Cover Girl Clean -- lightweight coverage that works for your skin type. And yours! And yours! And mine. If someone paid me to wear Cover Girl makeup, I guess I probably would, and might even be convinced to act excited about it. Dania comes out to talk to the girls in the flesh. Is she wearing fur? Lord.
She says that in Cover Girl commercial challenges past, it's been all about memorizing the script. But that's not the most important thing -- you want to model in between the lines and let your personality shine through. When you don't have a personality, as is often the case on this show, this all becomes problematic. Dania says that memorizing lines is easy, but delivering personality is what makes you special. For this challenge, each girl has to make a 30-second commercial for Cover Girl Clean. This commercial will be in voice over, so there are no lines to memorize. Rather, the girls will have to embody the Cover Girl attitude with their actions -- staying true to who they are, while appealing to everyone watching. They should just go the route of Molly the Barn Owl, and swallow a rabbit whole on camera. Can you imagine the pellet Angelea would cough up back at the house? Sorry, Easter Bunny.
Dania announces that the girl who does the best tonight will have her picture featured in a Cover Girl advertorial for Seventeen, as well as on Covergirl.com. Additionally, their 30-second improvised commercial will be broadcast live on a Times Square jumbotron. Alasia freaks out a little at the thought of an improvised, televised commercial, while Krista is ready to let her personality shine. The girls get wardrobed and have to apply their own makeup. Simone is sad that she has no lines to memorize, because that's the part she thinks she'd be good at. The personality part does not come quite so naturally. She says she can write a research paper in five hours flat and get an "A". But modeling isn't so clear-cut, and is in fact a lot more subjective than academia. Also, people pay more attention to the size of your thighs. We see little snippets of the commercials, which are pretty unexciting. Tatianna agrees, and says that most of the girls looked happy, but like they were posing. She's a student of Cover Girl commercials, and knows that cover girls tend to act like morons. So she acts like a moron in turn -- flips her hair, shimmies, and shows those funky front teeth to great advantage. Brenda is having issues about how to be Cover Girl-esque with her new stupid hair. She says she has to think things through a lot more than the other girls. Brenda does not know how to sustain a wave of sympathy and goodwill from the viewing public, does she? So tedious! Jessica totally rolls her eyes before realizing she's still live on camera! Greatest.
Dania critiques the girls and says that they were all holding back. She says that they have to give life, and flip their hair with great relish. It's important for the girls to go all the way and shine through. Dania tells Anslee that she should have been a bit more inviting. Anslee tells us that she might not have done the commercial the right way, but it's because she couldn't hear Dania clearly when she was giving the instructions, and she couldn't interrupt everything and make a big deal out of her own hearing impairment. Now, I know they were in the middle of Times Square and it probably was hard to hear. But could she not have asked someone what they were supposed to do? Seriously? She did not think with the quickness on this one, and so produced that lame-ass excuse that's going to get her reamed at panel. Dania wanted Brenda to do something -- anything -- during her commercial. Simone also was holding back. She tells us that if she had known that she could have gone up there and danced and acted a fool, she would have. I think we all know that's a lie. Tatianna acted like a moron, and so got Dania's attention. She wins the challenge, and Dania also totally wants to be her BFF.
Back at the house, Anslee is sulking. It's upsetting, she says, to try so hard and feel like you're getting nowhere. The camera zooms in to peas and corn sitting in a container on the counter. Anslee is disgusted, and Alasia says that they thawed out overnight. Anslee replies, with some stank in her voice, that frozen peas and corn will spoil, which is why you have to keep it "re-frig-er-a-ted." Alasia, who is apparently digging through the fridge for some unspoiled food, quietly says, "You ain't gotta say it like that, though." She has a point, and is relatively calm about it for the moment. Anslee retorts that she explained it to Alasia in a normal way first, but Alasia didn't understand that. Alasia says that she's not a little girl. Anslee shoots back, "Well, then, understand the first time and I won't talk to you like you're a little girl." Alasia's voice is raised a bit as she tells Anslee that she shouldn't speak to people like that. Anslee interviews that Alasia doesn't know how to shut up, and is a childish, ditzy girl.
And THEN. Say all you want about Alasia's stankness, but it's Anslee who busts a nut and yells, "Back up, sweetheart. DOES IT SAY KEEP REFRIGERATED?!?" I mean, all this about frozen vegetables. The Jolly Green Giant would not care to see this definitively un-jolly reaction to his wares. The yelling then starts in earnest. It goes back and forth, and then Alasia says that Anslee isn't anybody's mama in this house. She adds, "What kind of woman are you? How do you treat your daughter?" Anslee flies across the counter with such force that even Angelea -- who has been standing there quietly wrapped in a headscarf and a blanket -- backs the fuck up. Anslee is, to put it mildly, displeased that Alasia brought her daughter into this conversation. The screaming escalates. Curse words are shouted. Fingers are waved in faces. Finally Krista hops out of bed and tries to keep the peace. She's sleepy as hell, and just wants these bitches to keep it down. Alasia walks out of the kitchen saying that she's not going to show nobody no respect who won't respect her. Anslee notes that Alasia's still running her damn mouth all the way down the hallway. When you start telling Anslee about how she's not a good mother, she interviews, you're going to see an ugly side of her. She doesn't want an 18-year old telling her how to be a woman, especially when said 18-year-old wears a silver lamé swimsuit with a pair of jeans in public. With this, we head to commercials.
And hey! It's the Cover Girl Top Model Lounge! I am so excited to hear past faves Laura and Bianca dish about this epic fight, but instead all they do is talk about how exciting the Times Square challenge was, and how much it makes you want to buy Cover Girl makeup. Boo!
When we return, there's more Tyra Mail! "2morrow, bware of the no neck monster. Luv, Tyra." Yes, it's a mysterious photo shoot! Jessica thinks they'll be dealing with snakes. They enter a warehouse and discover an apparently dead red-eyed guy in the bathtub with two holes in his neck. They wonder if they've accidentally stumbled into the beginning of an episode of Law and Order. And then Mr. Jay scurries up behind them wearing a full-length leather duster. He stops for a moment, puts a hand up to his eyes (which are already covered by giant space-age sunglasses) and lets out the most hilarious, "Aaargh!" The girls turn around and he moans, "It's so bright in here!" He takes off his glasses to reveal an undead face complete with very pale eyes. He announces that he is Monsieur Jay, and he's the head vampire for the day. Ah, the good old Vampire Le Gnat. They girls met his latest victim, C.J. of "dead guy in the bathtub" fame, who will be the vampire model for today's photo shoot. Each of the girls will be turned into a vampire as well. If you needed confirmation that the vampire trend is officially over: here you go. Monsieur Jay continues that the girls are all going to be literally blind as a bat, courtesy of white-out contact lenses that will totally obscure their vision. Krista simply asks, "How we gonna do a photo shoot blind? Who does a photo shoot blind?" Meanwhile, simpering Brenda has never put anything in her eyes, and is freaking out.
The girls head into hair and makeup, and get fitted for their fangs. The girls all get two fang-holes painted on their necks, to reflect their just-bitten status. The glam squad for this shoot includes hair stylist Rodney Groves, wardrobe stylist Eric Orlando, and makeup artist Frances Hathaway. Jay leads the girls back out to the set, and introduces them to photographer Sarah Silver. A crew member is also dumping buckets of blood into the bathtub. It is the blood of models past! Monsieur Jay announces that the girls will be drenched in their own hypothetical drained blood. Alasia is scared, but volunteer mortician Tatianna thinks it's no big deal. She splashes around in this shit all the time during her off-hours. If only there were the stench of embalming fluid in the air, it would feel like home.
Angelea puts the contacts in her eyes with no problem, but says that it was kind of scary to be completely blind. However, she isn't scared of the blood. She wants to get in the mix. The completely white eyes look kind of natural on her, I have to say. C.J. stands beside the tub as Angelea gangles awkwardly. Jay tells her to pretend that they're lovers. Angelea totally grabs his crotch with her bloody hand! Alasia is and sits on the edge of the tub with her legs spread wide. That...is disturbing. It's like everyone's nightmare period. Jay says that Alasia looked really beautiful on set, and there was a sensuality and subtle smirk in her face that worked. Tatianna belches her approval.
Alexandra is , and gets all sexified with C.J. Jay is impressed, and says that Alexandra knows how to use her body. Krista luxuriates in the tub and actually looks like she might bite C.J. She sticks a leg straight up in the air, which doesn't quite work. Then there's Jessica, who starts off being too sweet for a vampire. She manages to sex it up a bit, and Jay approves of the hotness level by the end. Meanwhile, Brenda is freaking out about putting the contacts in her eye. Somewhat surprisingly, Anslee offers to help. The contacts are in, and Brenda tells us how painful it is and adds that she's afraid that they will get lost in her eyes. Just like Debbie Gibson feared! Maybe a contact will travel all the way into Brenda's brain and patch up whatever gap it is that makes her whine so much. Brenda starts to cry with her white eyes. Anslee tells us that, being a mom, it comes naturally to her to comfort people. Lest you think that she's taken a turn towards kindness, she interviews that Brenda is a mother, but is acting like a baby. She adds an acerbic, "Get over it! Go home," for good measure.
Jay comes and gives Brenda a pep talk before she goes on set. She says that it helped to some extent, but she was still freaking out. However, once she felt C.J. holding her hand, she calmed down. Oh, God, and then she says, "It was almost like a romance started between us. I felt my emotion for the photo shoot was that I was in love with him." Well, at least she didn't use the word "lover" anywhere in that soliloquy. Jay says that Brenda found a way to embody the spirit of the shoot, and made it work for her. Tatianna is up , and wastes no time in getting her hands and legs all bloody. She smears blood everywhere. She says that, having embalmed bodies, she's already seen and touched blood. She doesn't feel particularly nervous or squeamish. In fact, she might be a little too into it, as evidenced by the moment when she tastes the fake blood that all of those other bitches have been splashing around in. Vampire cooties!
Then there's Raina, who of course is amazing at everything. Anslee's first several shots feel a bit "romance novel," which is a shoot from another season. Anslee thinks that she did well, and that she stayed in the light and emphasized her neck. She says that Jay's pleased, and was impressed to see her come out of her shell. Jay tells Simone that she was a bit lackluster last week. She interviews that on camera, you have to be about ten times as exaggerated as you would be in real life. And yet, she's a total dud as her shoot starts. She's precariously balanced on the tub, and has dead-face in the bad way. Jay tells her to take it to the extreme, and to get in a position that's sexy rather than a position where it looks like she's died in childbirth. He's not sure how far he can push Simone until she comes crashing down. Finally, Simone kind of gets it and turns up the intensity. With that, the girls get to head home and take a long, hot shower before retiring to their crypts.
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Anslee thinks she did awesome at her shoot, and hopes that the judges will see her for who she is, and appreciate what she does. She adds that she's there to give her husband and child the better life that they deserve, and she's in it to win it. Simone, meanwhile, thinks that the shoot worked out in her favor, even though she realizes there are no guarantees when it comes to panel. Brenda is scared to see how her picture came out. She was a hot mess because of the hair and contacts and her overall dullness. As she prays for one good photo, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time! Tyra is wearing yet another ill-fitting jumpsuit. I don't know what this is about, but suspect that she somehow might be trying to impress ALT. Or else she's waiting for her ship to beam her home. There are prizes, there are judges. Anne Rice is the guest judge. Kidding! It's actually Dania Ramirez. [She had blood come out of her eyes on Heroes so it is sorta appropriate. -- Angel]
Blood-loving Tatianna is up first, and several of the judges say, "Wow." Nigel can feel the angst and the tension in the photo, and adds that it's dramatic. Dania likes her attitude. ALT adds that Tatianna's photo has drama, and has expressed a good narrative about vampires. Tyra loves Tatianna's face, which looks like she's inhaling. You know, like you do when you meet a sexy vampire. Good critique overall. Jessica is . Nigel wishes she had more action and tension in her body. ALT thinks that Jessica's leg position is awkward, and that her pose is cliché. However, Tyra says that Jessica looks stunning and has good light on her face. Then there's Alasia. The judges go nuts over her photo, and all talk over each other for a moment in excitement. Nigel says that it's unbelievable, and that she's telling a story with her eyes even when she has no pupils or irises to speak of. Alasia also has the vampire-loving inhale face, and her spread-eagle legs and arms look very long. She's clearly delighted with her excellent critique.
Simone is up , and gets no such praise. Nigel says that her photo is ungainly, and she could be a lot more sensual. She looks like a mannequin. Tyra suspects that in her head, Simone thinks she's pushing. In reality, however, she's sadly not doing very much. Then there's Angelea. Nigel thinks her photo is interesting, cool, and different, but her head could be thrown back more. Tyra agrees. ALT says that Angelea's foot hanging out of the bathtub with the dangling toes has taken this to the dreckitude moment of the hour. Krista's photo looks crazy. She seems like she's levitating, and neither Dania nor Tyra like her face. I think it actually looks kind of deliciously evil and shows her fangs off to great advantage. But Tyra thinks it looks like she's smelled dookie.
Raina is , and the judges ooze praise about the dark, edgy energy in her angry, fierce photo. Nigel loves that Raina has grabbed C.J.'s tie and is bringing him into the shot while still making herself the center. Alexandra gets more mellow praise. ALT says that she looks like she's having a real vampire romance with C.J. Dania loves the photo, and particularly the length of her neck. Nigel has noticed that Alexandra has used a similar pose to this before. It might ultimately become her signature, but in the meantime she needs to find some other strong angles. The judges fawn over Brenda's hair, even though it looks like crap. Tyra loves Brenda's photo, saying that her eyes are boring through her soul. It looks like Brenda has just been bitten, and now wants to bite Tyra. Oh, if only. ALT isn't crazy about her legs, but says that the way her hands are connected to C.J.'s saves her.
Last but not least is Anslee, and her tacky-backed shirt. The judges laugh at her. Dania notes that Anslee is giving a lot more personality than she did during the commercial challenge, and asks if she's shy. Anslee gives the deafness excuse, and gets skeptical looks from the judges. Tyra tells Anslee that she should listen more. Well, if she legitimately couldn't hear, listening isn't actually going to help. I think the lesson is that you need to figure out what you're being asked to do before you do it, one way or another. Nigel thinks Anslee's shot is meh, and looks confused. ALT doesn't like how she's holding onto the tub, either. [This leads to Tyra gyrating inappropriately. Naturally. -- AC] Anslee says she agrees, but that she was told to grab the tub. Nigel points out that this is her second excuse of the evening. She should get in control of her own destiny.
week: Jessica gets flirty with Nigel, and Anslee misses her daughter a whole bunch.
Potes thinks with the quickness. You can reach her at potesypotes@gmail.com.