Season 14 of Top Model kicks off with a supersized 90-minute episode that sees 32 semi-finalists vying to complete their "MyFierce" pages and become part of Tyra's social network. I mean, she couldn't even go with "FierceBook"? They shoot profile pictures and "net-walk" on the runway, and of course have their revues in front of a panel of Tyra and the Jays. We thus get to learn more about our little crew of freaks. Angelea of "I cain't go back to Buffalo, I cain't" fame is back, and apparently had some anger management classes after failing the psych test last season. She got rid of her grotesque nails but can't say "Givenchy." Points for trying. There's also Hallie, a spoiled brat whose godmother is Cybill Shepherd; Simone, who is a less snooty version of season three's Kelle; Jessica, who got pregnant the first time she had sex; Brenda who also got pregnant the first time she had sex (these cautionary tales are brought to you by Bankable Productions); Raina with the giant eyebrows; Alasia, who is a crazy reborn Christian leather daddy; Krista who is scared of white guys' penises because she thinks they look like raw meat; Aimee, the Carol Kane lookalike who sings opera; volunteer mortician Tatianna; plus-size drag queen Jeanna ,who lives on the planet Glamazonia (which she made up); Nadua, who is bald, vaguely European, and was born into a molesty cult; Texas Pakistani Nida; biracial Gabrielle; plus-sized and annoying Alexandra; pretty, boring Anslee; and Danielle of the multiple piercings and tattoos.
The first cut comes quickly, and 12 girls are eliminated. Nida is one, which is sad, because she's quite pretty. Pierced Danielle also gets the cut and curls up into a fetal position on the floor, because she's all about going out with dignity. After those two and ten other losers we never meet are out of the building, the remaining 20 girls partake in a rather ridiculous shoot with the theme of, "What supermodel are you?" It does serve one purpose, which is to show who actually reads magazines. Poor Tatianna fails the test and thinks that Megan Fox is a supermodel, while Alexandra draws a basketball-sized mole on her face to portray Cindy Crawford.
In all, 12 girls are chosen as finalists: Naduah, Jessica, Simone, Raina, Tatianna, Alexandra, Krista, Brenda, Alasia (who actually pounds the floor when her name is called), Anslee, Gabrielle and Angelea. These skinny bitches hit New York City like a bad case of crabs. They get very excited at seeing a wax figure of Johnny Depp outside of Madam Tussaud's, and less excited about seeing the flesh-and-bones version of Perez Hilton. He gives them a tour of the museum, and eventually the real Tyra emerges from amongst the wax. Apparently she made a deal with Perez that if he stopped talking about celebrity kids for six months he could be on Top Model. Always working for the cause, that one. Tyra also introduces the random mysterious 13th contestant, "edgy" Ren from Dallas. I can't believe they cut Stimpy!
Speaking of cuts, the girls head straight to Ty-overs with celebrity stylist Sally Hershberger. There are a few surprises and a little drama. Edgy Ren gets a style mullet that basically looks just like Sally Hershberger's hair. Sally also trims Ren's armpit hair, which is a Top Model first. There is some speculation that she has a giant bush as well. The tears of the episode come from Brenda, whose gorgeous red locks are trimmed into a Halle Berry-inspired cut that does not please her. With Ty-overs complete, the girls move into their fierce New York loft. There's an instant clash over closet space that proves that Angelea's stank is alive and well, and often expresses itself with a patented "Bitch, please" look. Krista also has a healthy serving of stank on her plate. It's particularly targeted at Alasia who, in all fairness, is nuts.
The episode ends with the beginning of the first photo shoot, as the girls learn that they'll get to pick one article of clothing from designer Custo Barcelona and otherwise be naked. That's one way to get us to tune in week!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see Cycle 13's Most Ridiculous Moments. And check back soon for the full weecap!
Oh boy, you guys. It's happening. Top Model is back for Cycle 14. Like an ungainly adolescent bursting forth with hormones and a bad attitude, it is designed to simultaneously torture and amuse you. To wit, our season opens with Tyra, replete in a black catsuit like she's about to try to steal the Baseball Diamond with Carla, Marla and Darla, comes strutting out of a limo, cameltoe trailing. She voices over, "When I dreamed up America's Net Top Model, all those years ago when Mr. Jay still had black hair, I did not imagine that it would become a worldwide phenomenon, seen in almost 150 countries." And really all this means is that we can cry for the state of the world, rather than just the U.S. The polar ice caps are melting and Top Model is being shown in Thailand. It's really all you need to know to make an assessment. Tyra continues, "Over 17 countries have created their own version of America's Top Model," with such hosting luminaries as Elle MacPherson, Vendela, and Heidi Klum. Poor Canada gets Jay Manuel, though maybe that's fitting since the entire country smells like cupcakes. We're now in Cycle 14, and Tyra assures us that the show has plenty of tricks up its couture sleeves. Who will cry at the makeovers? Which girl will have the fiercest walk? What photo shoot will push the girls to their breaking points? They're universal questions on par with, "Is there a God?" and "Where do we go when we die?" But also Tyra reminds us that Andre Leon Talley has joined the judging panel, proving that you really can't ever count this show out. I fully expect him to emerge, pretend he's having some sort of attack, and faint into a resplendent somersault like Gene Wilder in the original Willy Wonka movie.
Thirty-two "beauties" have come to Los Angeles to begin this competition. The first one we meet is Naduah, 22, from San Diego. Her bald head and vaguely European accent call to mind a more alienesque version of Sinead O'Connor in her ripping-up-pictures-of-the-pope years. We will soon learn a whole bunch more about Naduah, and I think can expect her to be around for the long haul. The girls land at the Universal Sheraton in a cloud of excitement, and we get brief glimpses of several of them. One of the more memorable is Alasia, 18 from Marietta, Georgia, who tells us that she's ready to whip these bitches apart because she's mean competition. Emphasis on "mean."
The girls collect in a room where they see, projected on the wall, Tyra's "MyFierce" page. (Incidentally, if you try to go to myfiercepage.com, you're automatically redirected to the CW website. I do these things so you don't have to.) Yes, social networking is apparently something of a theme this season. The fact that Tyra had the opportunity to go with "FierceBook" and didn't says something both about her overall relevance and general command of the language, I think. But hey, that's one bangin' profile picture. And then, Tyra's profile picture comes to life via "TyChat." She says she has 32 model friend requests, and has to narrow them down. To help her, she has enlisted the Jays, who pop up in their own individual TyChat windows. I bet the short conversation they have at this moment is, in fact, indicative of an actual conversation between the three of them -- full of inane chatter about their respective hairdos and words like "fantasticals" and "are we ready to get this party started." Please, Andre Leon Talley, come quick and save us!
Tyra says she's going to leave it up to the Jays to filter through her friend requests, and there's much sadness in the room when her chat screen closes. Alasia says, "If Tyra walks in this room I'm going to pass out." And then Tyra totally DOES walk into the room, and Alasia does not so much pass out as fall to the floor at the hands of a pushy and overly excited mob. Someone's always getting trampled at Top Model events. I guess that's one way to thin the herd. Everyone goes crazy, and after pounding the floor for a moment Alasia gets up unscathed. Drat. Tyra tells the girls that she has so many friends in her network, so can't accommodate all their requests. She calls out the Jays, and there is more excitement. Alasia freaks out once again, in the manner of someone who's gone to church too much. She's so excited that she knocks her wig askance, like she's freaking Whitney. Tyra asks Alasia to take off her wig so they can see what she's got underneath, and in fact she has gorgeous long hair that is much, much nicer. The only explanation is that Alasia is in the witness protection program. Or that she's completely deluded and crazy. Which, you know.
Tyra tells the girls that they'll be building their own profile pages with the help of Mr. Jay, while Ms. Jay will be looking to see who has the best social net-walk. I mean, I understand holding to a theme but that actually makes no sense. I don't know why I still feel the need to point out nonsensical things on this show after the era of the smize. Ms. Jay puts on Alasia's stank wig, which is actually pretty funny. He looks remarkably like Krista, who we meet . She's 24 from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, and has tried out for the show about five times. The sixth time is either the charm or the moment when people really become worried that you're just not getting it, I guess. Jay works with each of the girls to take a series of three profile shots. Who walks into the photo session but Angelea. You might remember Angelea from such bon mots as, "I cain't go back to Buffalo, I cain't," and, "Bitch, you got ugly ass corns!" at last year's semi-finals. Angelea is 23 and from the aforementioned Buffalo. She clearly failed the psych test last season and has had some counseling or anger management or whatever. We went through this before with Tiffany, and it led to probably the greatest moment ever on this show. We can only hope the same holds true for Ange.
We then briefly meet Brittany, 20, from College Park, Maryland. She apparently won an online competition on Tyra.com to gain her place in the semi-finals. We see Naduah again, who tells us that she's been modeling in Cancun for about five years. A quick look at her MyFierce page shows that Naduah is 5'7", and really should have made an effort to get on last fall's shortie Cycle. Danielle, 19, from Greenville, South Carolina has a whole bunch of piercings and tattoos. She gives some lip service about proving to girls that you don't have to look cookie cutter to be beautiful. I will tell you right now that the piercings are the least of Danielle's problems.
Then it's time for Ms. J.'s net-walking. He says he's going to screen the girls to see who has viruses and who doesn't. This isn't Rock of Love. I'm sure most of them are fine. Jeanna, 21, from Chicago is all about being a diva on the runway. Ms. J. mocks her walk but not her leopard-print jacket, which I see as a missed opportunity. Alexandra, 21, from Kerrville, Texas is plus-sized. She says she's been the captain of every single intramural team you can think of. And, I mean, let's just focus on the word "intramural" there. She did go to something called "state" in basketball, though. She describes herself as uber-competitive, and adds that no one else can touch her. Or would want to, maybe. Then there's Hallie, 21 from Memphis, who describes herself as a spoiled brat. It's always problematic when you choose to describe yourself as an asshole, I think. Hallie is here to win the competition, and could care less about the money. She should care about financing a hunt for the fountain of youth, because that bitch looks like she's 42. And not even a particularly young-looking 42. Gabrielle, 18 from St. Louis is biracial and says that one of her advantages is that she can pass as a variety of ethnicities. She's got some crazy big dyed-red hair and looks particularly malnourished.
The girls hang out in some sort of holding room, and discuss the fact that Angelea's back. Hallie notes that Angelea is the kind of girl that she'd probably avoid, given that she's likely to either kill you, make you cry, or steal your lunch money. I think that's probably an accurate assessment. Gabrielle, a long-time viewer of the show, points out that the mean girl never wins. Unless she's Eva. Or, more generally, undergoes a transformation at the hands of Typrah Winbanks. This reminds me that The Tyra Banks Show was cancelled, which makes me feel both relieved and nervous -- the first for obvious reasons, the second because it leaves Tyra with a lot of spare time, which might be dangerous. Ponder it as we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time for the panel interviews. Mr. Jay is gray from head to toe, but for his orange face. I will give him that it certainly does pop. Tyra is apparently big into wardrobe cutouts this season -- her earlier ensemble had cutouts right at the love handles (as if daring me to make a rib joke), and at panel she's wearing a white turtleneck with a giant eyeball-shaped cutout at the décolletage. I have to admit that she looks pretty fab, but I feel very uncomfortable with the subliminal message that her boobs are always watching me. Also, why not just wear a low scoop-neck? I never have understood turtlenecks that are either short sleeved or have some other form of ventilation.
Angelea is first to enter the room, and is terrifically grateful and happy. She is clearly ready to jump through both of her giant hoop earrings to get the panel's approval. Tyra asks Angelea what was happening last season. Angelea says -- and I'm quoting here because it's actually impossible for me to use my comprehension skills to decode it -- "I was messin' with this guy. So I like had that, arrrghh, like that mad attitude, you know what I'm saying?" No, I actually don't. If anyone has any idea what she's talking about, please email me. Angelea goes on to say that the first thing she did when she got home was to find a counselor. Jay points out that Angelea's tacky talons are gone, which indicates a shift in mindset. I mean, at least she probably can't literally scratch someone's eyes out anymore. Angelea knows what she has to do and is doing it. She's been looking at ads for "the Prada" and "the sky high boots with the mini-skirt." She knows her stuff now, and wants to be like model Iris Strubegger, who has campaigns with Valentino and "Ga-vinch-ee." Tyra teaches Angelea how to properly say "Givenchy," which is the modern version of "the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." Angelea tells us that she's still Buffalo, and still ghetto, but she's classy ghetto. Tyra can see the change in Angelea and thinks that she has modeling potential, or at least the potential to have a complete breakdown once in the house. She's a ringer.
Spoiled brat Hallie is , and Tyra complements her on her style. Hallie likes the simplicity of Chanel. She is, in fact, wearing one of the ugliest dresses I've ever seen. It's a boob tube with a short puffy tablecloth attached. Furthermore, it looks like it came from the Walmart clearance rack. Fashion! Taste! Tyra points out that Hallie is a rich Tennessee girl. Hallie cops again to being a spoiled brat. She has some Chanel, and her mom takes her to Paris and New York to go shopping sometimes. Hallie is a trust fund baby, thanks to her grandmother. It clearly was a devastating loss, as Hallie says, "She was old, so it was expected." Even Ms. J. can't take that. It's moments like these when you understand why those crazy old rich ladies leave everything to their Maltipoos. Neither Hallie nor her mom have worked a day in their collective lives. Cybill Shepherd is Hallie's godmother, and was the one who encouraged her to model. In case we're still unclear, Hallie reminds us again that she's not one of these poor trifling homeless hos with a set of acrylics and a dream to her name. Got it, thanks.
up is Simone, 19 from Lenexa, Kansas. She's a sophomore at Duke, but her real passion is modeling. Simone tells us that she's a bit of an overachiever, and her two life goals are to be a Victoria's Secret model or Hillary Clinton. If Victoria's Secret had been around when Hills was a sophomore at Wellesley, she probably would have faced a similar dilemma. Tyra notes that Simone doesn't feel super-accepted in a certain community. It turns out that black women don't "seem to want to be friends" with Simone. Ah, it's Kelle 2.0! Simone thus joined the Delta Gamma sorority, where she is the only black girl of 75 members. Simone hears a lot that she acts like a white girl, and was nicknamed Oreo. She says that this is who she is and how she was raised, and she doesn't plan to change. Simone's real problem is that she acts like a very annoying white girl. Jay loves her, and says that if you don't have to listen to her she's kind of awesome. It's true that she's gorgeous and her body is phenomenal. Let's hope she doesn't discover her snout and let it all go to hell.
Raina, 22 from Minnetonka, Minnesota, talks to the other girls about her impressive volleyball career. She looks kind of like a Denise Richards/Anna Chlumsky hybrid, in what I think is mostly a good way, but at certain angles makes it seem like she should be lip synching for her life. Raina was always the tallest girl in her class, and had huge buckteeth. The past tense might be a bit misleading, there. She was very shy and had no friends. She seems lovely and well-adjusted now, though. Then there's Jessica, 18 from Conway, Arkansas, who reveals that she's married and has a one-year old boy. Alasia is shocked. Jessica is sweet as Arkansas sweet tea, and loves two things in the world: her family and the modeling industry.
Jessica goes before the panel looking like a ray of sunshine. Tyra points out that Jessica conceived her son the first time she had sex. Jessica has no idea how it happened. Abstinence-only education at work! Her doctor told her she's very fertile. Nobody apparently told her about condoms. Jessica was 16 when she met her baby daddy, who was 22. They met at church, which she thinks is ironic but I think is actually pretty typical. Jessica got married at 16 and had a baby at 17. Her parents disapproved completely, as did Jessica's church. She and her husband are not accepted there because of how they chose to do things. But... they got married and she had the baby. Wouldn't the other way of choosing to do things be less acceptable to the church? Mr. Jay points out that he saw something a little edgy in her. Ms. J. defines that as "getting knocked up at 16."
Raina comes in , dressed like a rocker cheerleader. Mr. Jay loves her eyes, which are framed by giant eyebrows. Raina says that she was not a pretty kid at all, and basically looked like a ghost with a unibrow. During her senior year in high school she busted out of her shell, and became the fabulous and confident creature she is today. Both of the Jays LOVE her.
up is redheaded Brenda, 23 from Houston. Brenda was adopted, and loves her fabulous parents. She recently decided to track down her biological dad. Brenda's boyfriend is a police officer, which made finding her convicted-felon father rather easy. Brenda knocked on his door and said, "Hi, I think I'm your daughter." I mean, a surprise visit SEEMS like such a good idea, I don't know what could have gone wrong. But alas, things didn't go so well and Criminal Dad denied her as his offspring. But Brenda seems fine about it, and says that it gave her some closure. Much like Jessica, Brenda got pregnant the first time she had sex. Sometimes this show feels like one big PSA. Her daughter is adorable. Brenda says she has a baby and has stretch marks, but can still be on top with hard work.
Alasia enters the room , and Ms. J. is wearing her wig and patting down his face Whitney-style. Alasia is quite mystifyingly dressed in full-on rock n' roll biker gear. She has rivets and chains on her pants, and an oversized leather vest. And glasses. And handcuff earrings! I'm completely mystified. Tyra asks if Alasia is the church girl or the biker chick, and Alasia says she's a little bit of both. She tells us, "I'm not gonna say I grew up in the hood, but I grew up in the hood." Uhhhh. I think her strategy is just to throw us off our game. It's working. Alasia used to be bad, and be a rebel, and be with boys all the time. But then she found Christ. And a dildo. And she got saved. Alasia has been crucified through Christ and no longer lives -- Christ lives in her. She helpfully tells us that that's Galatians 20... something. I mean, where does Tyra find them? It's the particular genius of this show. Alasia, who has extremely lovely and buttery skin, didn't tell her teachers that she was doing this -- she simply said she was leaving for "family matters." But she got her makeup work. I have a feeling that Alasia is going to be a true delight this season.
We cut to the girls hanging out in a holding room, and Krista helpfully points out that Alasia is a lunatic of no consequence. For her part, Alasia is not impressed with or scared of Krista. She says that sometimes guilty people will point a finger at you, but you've got three fingers pointing... yes, three fingers pointing back at you. She does a quick count to affirm this and, to her credit, isn't including the thumb. Alasia is ready to work Krista's skinny behind, and prepared to get real ugly with her. It's like a message of hope for the season! Commercials.
Krista, 24 from Pine Bluff, Arkansas, is to go before the panel. She's wearing a silver metallic dress that matches the curtains of the room. Krista tells us that she's wanted to be a contestant ever since the show started, and is hungry. I mean, literally, because her shoulder blades could slice you halfway to Tuesday. Krista notes that she's 24, and in the modeling industry they stop you somewhere around 25. What I think she probably means is that 25 is the cut-off to be on this particular show. She's like Methuselah in modeling years. In any case, Krista feels like this is her last chance. Which is a good thing, because then she'll finally be able to hold down a job and move on with her life. Tyra asks Krista if she'd ever date outside of her race. Krista stammers that she doesn't want to date white guys because it makes her scared to see a pink penis. She goes on to say that it looks like raw meat. Both of the Jays are like, "Girl, that's not what it looks like." Krista then goes on to underscore her point by making hand motions that go with preparing a meatloaf. If you are now thinking about a big pink penisloaf, you're not alone. Krista tells us that looking good is everything to her, and that she's in heels 24-7. She has no tennis shoes and asks, "Who owns tennis shoes?" Everybody. Look into it.
up is Aimee, 21 from Houston. She looks a lot like Carol Kane, who really does not get enough play these days. Aimee is "whimsical," which means she looks and talks like a big weirdo. Aimee guesses that she kind of sings when she talks. This leads Tyra to sing, "Yes you dooooooooooo!" Hard to understand why "Shake Ya Body" never cracked the top ten. Aimee studies classical music and so does a lot of opera arias and art songs. Also, she is a wood nymph. Tyra wants to do a musical with Aimee. I can assure you that the libretto is subpar. Aimee believes she only has one chance to live. Shirley MacLaine would disagree.
Tatianna, 21, from Ewa Beach, Hawaii is . Tatianna is a volunteer mortician doing embalming and cremation! Wow! As she describes injecting the formaldehyde she gets really animated. Maybe she's actually a serial killer! Best. Season. Ever. Also, FYI, if you're an organ donor you just get filled with sawdust. Maybe you could request cedar chips or lavender sachets? When Tatianna was in tenth grade, her brother was diagnosed with HIV. That led her down a scientific path, because she's always wanted to contribute to research about HIV. Mr. Jay asks the question we're all wondering -- what the hell is she doing here? Tatianna says that she's been in the science world for so long and wants to check out the modeling reality. Not the right thing to say. But Tatianna wants some glamour in her life, and for people to identify her as something other than a lab coat. Boy, does she have a lot of teeth in her mouth. And yet also a lot of gums. The judges wonder if modeling is really a passion for her.
Back in the holding room, Jeanna talks about how she likes to shop at the drag queen store. No kidding. Poor stupid Jessica has no idea what a drag queen is. This goes to show that if you don't teach your child about drag queens she will get pregnant the first time she has sex! Exposure, people! Jeanna goes in front of the judges. She's 21 from Chicago and plus-sized. Jeanna also loves fashion, glamour and sparkly things, in case you hadn't realized. She has made up her own planet, called Glamazonia, in the Glamazonian galaxy. It's filled with very tall and beautiful women, and once a year they get a collective fuck buddy sacrifice for the propagation of the species. And then, it happens. Tyra decides that Mr. Jay is the procreating male sacrifice, and makes him lay down on the floor. She then gets on top of him, in a way where their parts are not only not aligned but not even facing each other. Ms. J. wants to die even more than he did about the penisloaf.
Back in the holding room, Alasia tells Naduah how gorgeous she is, and then says, "If I was a lesbian I would be in love with you." If it wears a leather vest like a lesbian... Angelea pegs Naduah as her biggest competition. Someone asks Naduah about her accent. Her father is European and her mother is Spanish and European. They traveled a lot. By "traveled," Naduah means "were members of a kidfucker cult." Naduah was born and raised into this religious cult, which was really sex-heavy. Most of the children in the cult were sexually molested. Naduah goes on to say that there were times when she didn't even see her parents, because she grew up in a house with about 100 other children. We've finally found something to trump retinitis pigmentosa!
Naduah goes in front of the panel and gets really excited. Naduah is 22 and was born and raised in Cancun (home of spring break shenanigans and kidfucker cults) but now lives in San Diego. She has drawn a portrait of Tyra, which Tyra says she's going to frame. Weird. Naduah tells the panel more about her cult family. She says the cult was like a military, and sometimes the children had to do very aggressive chores like cleaning the floor with a toothbrush. Also, fuckery. And sometimes the kids had their arms tied to a stick behind their back to encourage good posture. I actually kind of wish someone had done that to me to fend off my adult slouchiness. Eventually, Naduah realized that there were non-cult options and decided to make a name for herself. Tyra and the Jays note that she's had a hard life, and maybe needs a good breakdown. I'm sure they'll drive her to it one way or another.
up is Nida, 18 years old from East Bernard, Texas. She's originally from Pakistan and does a pretty good impression of her Pakistani mother who is overprotective and also disapproving of model sluttery. Nida had a lot of restrictions growing up, and says it's not culturally accepted to use your sex appeal to make money. She wants to break that barrier for other Pakistani girls. Like the suffragettes, that one.
Back in the holding room, the girls talk about the inevitable racial and ethnic balance required for the top twelve. Someone notes that Angelea and Gabrielle are in the same category. Gabrielle notes that they do have a similar look, since they are both biracial. But Angelea has a few extra years on her, which Gabrielle sees as a disadvantage. Angelea is not deterred, and says she's "that bitch." She doesn't see Gabrielle as competition.
Gabrielle goes before the panel and says that her mom is German and her dad's black. She's never had a stable father figure in her life, and so is mistrustful of black men. She doesn't date. Also, sometimes Gabrielle felt like an outcast because she's biracial and had to deal with insensitive remarks from dumb-ass strangers. Tyra stokes the feuding fires by telling Gabrielle that she's reminiscent of Angelea. Gabrielle admits that Angelea is her competition. She says that Angelea's pretty, but sometimes comes off as cocky. In an interview, she vows to whip Angelea's ass. She's scrawny, but I think she just might be able to do it. Commercials.
When we return, Alexandra enters the judging room and pronounces, "Ladies and gentleman, a round of applause!" Ah, hate. Alexandra is 21 from Kerrville, Texas, and revels in her large and in charge fanny. Yes, she's a plus-sizer. Alexandra calls herself a girly tomboy, and says that she fly-fishes, snowboards, wakeboards, and surfs. But she also does her nails! And has high heels! What? That's crazy. you'll be telling me that you have a unicorn ranch for sale. Alexandra says that she's never thought of herself as bigger than anyone else. And, at a size ten, she's actually not. But she has a lot of size zero friends, and she says that they complain more about their bodies than she does. Alexandra is annoying as all get-out, but her body is pretty slammin'.
Anslee, 23, from Dacula, Georgia is . Tyra first hears Anslee's hometown as "Dickula," and "jokes" that Ms. J. got excited. As if a penisloaf isn't enough, now we have to worry about a penis vampire? Anslee is recently married and has a two and a half year old to boot. She says she's a 23-year-old mom and she's still got it. Anslee makes like she's a monster in front of the camera. It's kind of true, and not in a good way. She tells us that if you can't strut your stuff and show people who you are, you're good for nothing.
Oh! And then it's 19-year old piercing victim Danielle. Jay asks how he'd do a cosmetic ad with her, and she responds by pushing her nose ring deeper into her nostrils. Stay classy! Danielle says that a lot of people look at her funny, but she's not going to stab them. Lies. Tyra tells Danielle that she's quite classically beautiful, but with holes and piercings and tattoos. Danielle says that she can do classic, edgy, or modern, because she's versatile. Frankly, I'm just glad she's there and can get a few nutritious meals. She is why school breakfast programs were invented!
Speaking of food, the girls have lunch and Jeanna also wants to have a lesbian love affair with Naduah! While the rest of the girls get to know each other, Danielle and Hallie sat off at a table by themselves. Now, that's a weird twosome. Hallie tells Danielle that "we Southern girls" are classy enough to know that it's not kosher to go sing and dance and shake their asses. Um, she's talking to a girl wearing a purple leopard print fleece with two points of metal sticking out of her lower lip. Hallie thinks that a ton of the other girls don't deserve to be there, and tries to engage Danielle in judgmental shit talking about the others. Poor Danielle. This is her first time out of the trailer park and as such she's really intimidated by this crowd of beauties who are constantly acting zany and ripping off their wigs. She's clearly latching on to anyone who offers a quasi-kind word. And Hallie just wants a toady. Still, I might watch the two of them in a road buddy movie.
The girls meet up with the Jays, which means that the first cut is coming. Twelve girls are going to have their friend requests rejected. Each girl has a touch panel with their photo and a button that says "status." Twenty of them will have their friendship status "pending," and the others will be declined. The girls have at it, and many of our favorites make it to the phase. Squealing and screaming abounds. Out of the melee we learn that Nida is the first victim of Tyra's selective friend policy. It's too bad -- she's so pretty! A bunch of others who didn't even get the formality of a televised interview in front of the judges are axed, and so is Danielle. She hyperventilates, and wants to have two seconds in front of Tyra to ask what she doesn't like. Well, it's possible that Tyra doesn't like how Danielle falls into a fetal position on the floor and has to have her cooch blurred. I don't know, just a guess.
The remaining twenty girls have one last chance to prove that they have what it takes to become America's Top Model. They're going to do a shoot called "What supermodel are you?" They'll have five minutes to get dressed, then do a little magic at the hair and makeup station. When they're done they'll do a small photo shoot, and Jay wants to be able to tell which supermodel each girl is representing. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Dumber than MyFierce. Dumber than smizing, even. Hallie is up first and is being Vlada Roslyakova. Oh yeah, dead ringer. WTF? Stand there dead-eyed and call yourself Linda Evangelista. Who the fuck can tell? Angelea is and is Agyness Deyn. According to Mr. Jay, she embodies Agyness's rough and tumble attitude. Poor Tatianna says that she's Megan Fox. Megan Fox is not a model, FYI. Miss Ga-vinch-ee herself is super judgmental about Tatianna's lapse in knowledge. Alasia is Naomi Campbell, and acknowledges that she has no idea what she's doing or what Naomi Campbell would do. She also knows nothing about anything. Isn't the obvious choice here to be Tyra Banks and say you're smizing? Alexandra is Cindy Crawford, and has drawn a Saturn-sized mole on her face. It's too bad, because her posing is good. Gabrielle is Freja Beha Erichsen. Like you care. But she's really impressed with herself. Krista is Giselle, Naduah is Kate Moss, and Raina is Adriana Lima, and then we are blessedly over with this exercise in stupidity.
With their "profiles" "complete," the girls chill as Tyra and the Jays make their final cut. Tyra says that there are 14 slots in the MyFierce network. Alasia's profile pic looks like a weak senior photo in school, and her crazy energy doesn't translate into her modeling. Ms. J. speculates that it went with the wig. Alexandra is a tool and painted a tumor-size mole on her face. Mr. Jay loves the planes of Angelea's face, but she registers too hard. Ms. J. says that she'll always have a stank attitude that she can't help. Anslee looks like she's smelling some stinky in her profile pic. But when she does nothing she looks beautiful. Brenda has a great body, but looks kind of '80s. She's not modern, but maybe could be helped by severe hair. Gabrielle impressed Mr. Jay most, because she has the most working knowledge of obscure models. Ms. J. adds that her walk was very natural. Hallie is lacking freshness. Jeanna has a nice nose and balance to her face, and Mr. Jay thinks she was good. Jessica is very pageant, and Tyra's not sure if she's a model or just a pretty girl. Simone has great proportions, is tall, and is willing to take direction. But Ms. J. still doesn't see model. Krista has some personality to her walk, and is both pleasant and dynamic. Tyra loves Naduah's profile picture and her walk. She also gives a good Kate Moss vibe. Raina's profile picture isn't modelesque, but there's some photo potential. Also, she has a waist like the sides of a rectangle. Tatianna is beautiful, but she doesn't embrace modeling or believe in it as a business. However, Ms. J. says that there's something there. With that, the judges have reached a decision.
Tyra wears small lampshades on her shoulders as the girls gather before her. She tells them that they've been looking for 14 girls to join the MyFierce network, but she and the Jays could only agree on 12. Oh, burn. Eight of these bitches aren't even fierce enough to fill a predetermined spot! Naduah is not one of them. She's called first as a finalist. Tyra calls Jessica, Simone, Raina, Tatianna, Alexandra, Krista, Brenda, Alasia (who falls to her knees and pounds the floor, natch), Anslee, and Gabrielle. There is one name left. And of course it's Angelea! She cain't go back to Buffalo a second time! Angelea cries in gratitude. Meanwhile, some of our other friends get the shaft. Hallie is stoic, but says that it sucks to make it so far and then get booted. She wishes that they had chosen thirteen girls, because she knows she would have been number thirteen. But they didn't, and you weren't. Go be condescending to poor people at home. Carol Kane says that life is full of disappointments. It happens all the time, and you have to move on and not dwell. Whimsy! I love it. Jeanna is also gone back to her herd of drag queens, where she truly belongs. The others are strangers, and we don't so much as get a pan across their faces.
But who cares about losers! There are twelve MyFierce friends to obsess over! They're going to head to New York where they'll meet a new mystery girl. Tyra hasn't even met her yet, and says that they're going to do a search to round out this group. There's some surprise among the ranks, but it's forgotten in the overjoyed chanting of "Top Model! Top Model!"
But wait! Things aren't over yet. It's a 90-minute premiere, after all. The girls head to New York City! Land of dreams! In their interview footage they all wear giant hats and head scarves, so you know the makeovers are imminent. The girls happen upon Johnny Depp standing in Times Square. I guess he's taken time from engaging in a torrid on-set affair with Angelina Jolie to make a cameo! Oh, but wait. It's just a wax figure. Sadly made of flesh and bone is effing Perez Hilton, who approaches the girls to kind of paltry fanfare. He's going to take the girls on his personal tour of Madame Tussauds'. The highlight, of course, is a waxwork of Miss Tyra Banks herself. You can't see it, but there's a plate with a little wax rib in her hand.
And then there's Tyra! The real Tyra, I mean. She appears on a balcony and says something to Perez about keeping her word. We get a clip from The Tyra Banks Show in which Tyra is having a sit-down with Perez and trying to guilt him into meeting the minimal requirements for being a decent human being. You can guess how that goes. He says that he'll stop drawing semen pouring out of the cooches of celebrity toddlers for two months if Tyra gives him a guest spot on Top Model. She ups it to six months, and they have a deal. A prince among men, that one. I think she's staying on that balcony just because she can't stand the smell of him.
Tyra tells Perez and the others that she has somebody very special to introduce to them. It's Ren, 22 from Dallas. Ren calls herself "a free spirit that can't be caged." In her interview segment she's wearing a bowler hat and looks like a cross between Winona Ryder, Pete Doherty, and Tiny Tim (of "God bless us every one" fame, not "tiptoeing through the tulips" fame). Ren is the result of the Top Model crew scouring the country for a thirteenth girl to round out the pack. I wish they'd scoured Ren while they were at it. She's so grimy. Tyra interprets this as "edgy, really cool, and fabulous." Krista is impressed with Ren, who has some serious tats on her arms.
But enough about Ren, it's Tyover time! They really get right to it these days. The girls head outside and get into a giant Hummer limo. Good to see the show kept up its "green" theme after it stopped being trendy. The limo drops the girls at the salon of celebrity stylist Sally Hershberger, herself a reality show veteran. The Jays are there to make sure that everything goes according to plan, which means that they're there to make sure that tears are shed. They'll rub hair color in someone's eyes if they have to.
Gabrielle says, "You can shave it, you can dye it. Make me look like Dennis Rodman. I made it this far, I can't complain about anything." That's the attitude, for real. I think Gabrielle has some staying power. Tyra, from the "Top Model offices," tells us that each season she lines up photos of the girls and decides the precise ways in which she'll torture them. And now she's ready to share that with us. Ren is up first. She says that she's different from the other girls, because it's been seven years since anyone has cut her hair other than herself. We noticed. It's also been seven years since anyone's washed her hair, I think. Just stick her in a bucket of Lysol and see what happens. Tyra wants an edgy, fringed kind of cool thing for Ren, and so she gets it. I think that's Sally Hershberger's signature haircut. Jay likes the hair... on her head. But there's another issue -- Ren's armpit hair. Ren interviews that she doesn't shave her armpits because of "health and women's rights." Hipsters of the world, rejoice: yours is as dumb as the rest of them. Alexandra wonders what the "downstairs" is going to look like. Meatloaf. According to Alexandra, Ren is edgy, tattooed, and earthy. She doesn't come off as a model, and Alexandra thinks that will hold her back. After the first ANTM armpit makeover in history, Ren has her photo taken. She says she's all about changing her look and any style is cool with her. But the real question is whether Stimpy will like it.
Tyra wants to make Gabrielle more angelic and very blonde, to look like a wood nymph. Or Venus Xtravaganza. Femme realness, personified. Gabrielle feels amazing and edgier. Then there's Krista, who has razor-sharp cheekbones. Tyra wants to slick her hair back into a removable ponytail. Krista gives a little of the stinkeye, then tells Mr. Jay that this style is something that she does when she doesn't feel like doing her hair. She HATES it. Repeat: she HATES it. But she doesn't want that to affect her in the competition, so she stifles. Well played. Alexandra has a fiercely real body, and is getting fiercely real hair to go with it. Soft highlights are real, apparently. Alexandra feels more refined and sophisticated. Oh, and there's sorority Simone. Tyra shaves the sides of her head and gives her kind of a flat Mohawk-ish thing on top. Simone takes it surprisingly well, saying that her old look was safe and boring, but now she can be more adventurous and edgy. From one angle the hair looks kind of great, and from another it's a disaster. Either way, it's going to be a bitch to grow out.
Brenda tells us that her fiancé loves long, gorgeous hair. Which she had. Past tense. Brenda is going to trust that Tyra knows what she's doing, which is always a dangerous thing. Tyra tells us that Brenda's current hair is too sexy, so she's going to get a Halle Berry do. Brenda is our first cryer. She says her whole world has been shaken. Angelea smirks as she gazes upon a tearful Brenda, and wonders if she's strong enough to handle the competition. She really should just be glad that she still has hair on the sides of her head. Commercials.
And hey! My Life as a Cover Girl seems to have been replaced with something called Top Model Lounge! It features Stank Bianca II and last season's Laura! Yay! They're going to dish about what just happened. Bianca says it's easy to chastise someone else for crying when you're getting a weave sewn into your head. Laura adds, "Your hair's your sexy blanket." !!!!! I think my hair is more of a sexy afghan. These two sympathize with Brenda. We can see more from Bianca and Laura at cwtv.com/covergirl. Sexy blanket!
When we return, Brenda tells us that she thought her hair was her best asset, so to have it taken away was very painful. She has to learn how to do her hair all over again. The hair looks a bit like vintage early-'80s Annie Lennox, which could be a good thing if Brenda isn't a limp noodle the whole time. Naduah is, of course, already bald. So she's going to have her brows bleached by expert brow lady Anastasia. Naduah looks more like a former cult member than ever! She gives us more cult info: from birth you're told how to "think as a person." Thinking as a person doesn't sound like such a bad thing. Unless it's a molesty person, in which case: bad. Being on this show is a dream come true for Naduah. When she's super excited she gets really weird, but I still love her. I hope she has a therapist.
Angelea is getting a big-ass weave made of Tyra's old hair, right down to the bangs. Angelea describes herself as "fantasticals," showing that pronouncing Givenchy isn't the only thing she's picked up from Tyra and the Jays. She also says that she's fierce, fine, fabulous, and ready to kick ass in the competition. She knows that bitches are going to be hating on her, and actually seems to be looking forward to it. Raina is getting chocolate brown hair, which makes her look exactly like Peter Gallagher in a wig. Tyra leaves the brows as is, obviously. Then there's Alasia, who pledges to Jay that she'll be ferocious. She's getting some body and curl and clip-ins. She loves her girly curlies, and feels bouncy and sophisticated. Anslee is another weepy one who's getting a shorter cut. She's sad to say goodbye to her hair, but in the end says that her new cut is more high fashion. It does suit her, I think.
Tatianna and her dark gorgeous hair reminds Tyra of Angelina Jolie (with an inverse gum to tooth ratio in the front), and so she gets a long blonde weave. Tatianna says that she can rock any hair. Ehhh, still untested. Jessica is , and is getting chocolate brown hair to sexify herself. Basically, she has the same hair as Raina. She loves it. With the makeovers at an end, Jay tells the girls that this is only the start of their transition towards becoming a top model. That transition is going to continue as the girls move into their new loft! Yes, they get a fierce NYC loft. It's huge and tacky and gorgeous, and features a lot of bunk beds and a built-in runway. Alasia tells us that you could have a rave in the tub. That's how fabulous it is. There's a balcony with a great city view. No hot tub shenanigans this season, but I'm okay with that.
For once there are apparently enough beds for everyone in the house, so the insta-drama revolves around the closet. Anslee is silly enough to think that everyone should get an equal section of the closet. Angelea says, "Don't talk about what I get and I cain't get." Thankfully for us, the counseling didn't stick. Alexandra tells us that the altercation between Angelea and Anslee is the clashing of identical personalities. The fact that Anslee is secretly stank makes her a lot more interesting. Angelea tells Anslee that she's not her mama, and waves a finger. But Anslee tells us that Angelea does not scare or intimidate or bother her. Angelea can't take "corrective criticism," and Anslee predicts that she'll break down and fall apart. We can only hope, friend. Commercials.
When we return, there's more Angelea-related house drama. Brenda tells us that when Angelea so much as walks into a room she brings an air of negativity, which is the last thing anyone needs right now. Angelea eats a piece of pizza and kind of stares and smirks at Brenda. Brenda asks why Angelea's scowling at her, and says it's rude. Angelea confessionalizes a correction. It's not a stare. It's a "bitch please" look. Fair enough. Angelea demonstrates the bitch please look for us. It's like, bitch please. I just practiced the bitch please look for about four minutes, and think I finally have it down. Angelea says that this is the look she gives when she's not feeling someone. You know how your mom always told you that your face would freeze like that? Well, there's something to that theory.
Brenda talks to the other girls about what it's like to be on the other side of the bitch please look. Alasia confronts Angelea about it, because stank deserves stank in equal measure. Angelea points out in a finger-waving manner that Alasia wasn't even in the kitchen when it happened and so has no right to comment on it. Ren interviews that it's quite different to live with girls. Because we're all catty bitches at heart, don't you know, and not all of us have the political sensitivity to grow our armpit hair for women's rights. Angelea and Alasia continue to conversate, with Angelea saying that Alasia formed an opinion based on what someone else said. Alasia says that she avoids Angelea because she's stank and always wants to fight. Krista pipes in, "You're misunderstood." She joins the discussion, mostly because she wants to give it to Alasia. Krista has a neck and knows how to use it. She accuses Alasia of fakery. Fakery is as good a way as any of getting yourself cast on this show. Or, at least it's the best way to being a genuine nutter. Fighting, fighting, yelling, etc. Jessica confesionalizes that fighting is not cool. Alasia walks away, which Krista and Angelea give her shit for. In the confessional, Alasia says that the "bitch please" clique create problems and issues. And that's why we love them.
Tyra Mail! "top models get maximum exposure. u must learn how to cover urself. Luv, Tyra." Banned from the forums! Also, this is going to get old REALLY fast. As in, by the first solitary "u". The girls meet Mr. Jay at their first photo shoot and he introduces them to wardrobe stylist Joanne Konjevod and tells them that they'll be modeling designs from Custo Barcelona. But here's the thing. The girls will have the opportunity to pick one item of clothing. The rest of them is going to be nude! With that fantasticals news and a cut to shocked reactions, the episode ends.
week: the aforementioned nude photo shoot. And some more drama, I presume.
Potes took a break from knitting her sexy blanket to write this recap. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.