The second 90-minute episode of the season treats us to surprises and delights galore! The photo shoot that was introduced last week continues, as the girls must choose one item of clothing -- ranging from leggings to a watch -- and otherwise be naked. This leads to some genius posing and some half-assed ass covering. No one totally freaks out, though Jessica does predict that her Jesus-loving grandma might not be so happy about the situation. We are introduced to new judge Andre Leon Talley, who uses a lot of French words that I can't understand. However, he also drops the phrase "telescopic view into the nether regions" in his critique, which fills me with joy. A surprising number of girls do well for the first shoot, and Jessica and Angelea have the top two photos. The judges mock Alasia's photo, which involves wearing a vest backwards and barely covering her asscrack with her forearm, but ALT loves it and says he would hang it in his salon. Because he's ALT, no one can argue with him, and Alasia is in the bottom two but safe. Poor Gabrielle goes home without much fanfare.
As hour two begins, we learn that Ren hates all the other girls and their loud ways and thinks she's far too intelligent to be on this show. Tough talk from someone who always looks like she just walked out of an American Apparel ad. As you may have heard, Naduah grew up in a cult. Maybe. As her accent comes and goes and she talks about her life and modeling history (which involves four international fashion week appearances in a year and turning down work with Playboy), the others girls suspect that she might be a pathological liar. This is either the result of growing up in a sex-crazed cult, or the reverse.
Ms. J. teaches the girls about timing and pace on the runway, as well as how to remove a jacket. They have to strut across a busy New York intersection while removing their coats, which results in some pretty hilarious man-on-the-street interviews. Ren complains that the challenge is silly. I complain that she might have watched one episode of this show before agreeing to be on it. The girls then have a runway challenge with designer Rachel Roy. They first have to make it down a giant flight of stairs, and then display perfect timing as they walk through a series of pendulums that swing across the runway. Simone is the first to get bumped by a pendulum, and is soon followed by Jessica. And then poor Alexandra falls down the stairs before she even gets to the runway. You'd think this would be the worst of it. You'd be wrong. She not only gets hit by a pendulum, but is totally knocked off the runway! Really, it's a reminder why we all love this show. Brenda wins the challenge, and gets to keep her outfit and appear on Rachel Roy's web site.
And then there's house drama! Ren tells Alasia to shut the eff up. There is much Alasian screaming in retaliation, and some throwing of cooking implements. Ren claims that said cooking implements were thrown at her, but Alasia rightfully points out that if she wanted to hit Ren with a wooden spoon, she would have. Ren confessionalizes, "I could be happy living my life, and instead I chose to be in this crazy fucking house." I think this is my favorite feud since someone wrote in someone else's brownies.
For the second photo shoot of the episode, the girls pose in Brooklyn, with Manhattan behind them. They're doing an ad for some sort of disappearing colored fragrance, and have to deal with wind and rain machines galore. Raina excels and has the best photo of the week, and Krista and Anslee round out the top three. Ren and Naduah land in the bottom two, with Nigel saying that Ren's photo looks like an ad for the H1N1 vaccine. Despite this and the fact that she totally doesn't want to be there, Ren is safe. Maybe Naduah retroactively failed the psych test?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think will win.
Previously: 32 "beautiful" "girls" came to L.A. and learned the hard way that Tyra is somewhat selective in adding friends to her imaginary MyFierce page. Twelve finalists moved to New York and met one more surprise, very grungy member of the competition. There were tearful makeovers and personality clashes, and the announcement of a titillating photo shoot!
Speaking of said shoot, we enter with Jay introducing the girls to their wardrobe stylist Joanna Konjevod. Joanna's job is relatively easy, because today the girls will be modeling single items of clothing from the designer Custo Barcelona. The way this will work is that each girl will select one item of clothing, and will otherwise be nude! That's the way to get the season off to a good start. Jessica reminds us that she was raised in a religious family, who will likely flip over this. I mean, if they got through her being knocked up at 16, I think they'll survive this one. Jay tells the girls that they must really sell the one item of clothing they'll be wearing, and entice the consumer. Also enticing the consumer: naked girl bodies.
As is Top Model custom, it's going to be a bit of a free for all in selecting which item of clothing each girl will be wearing. They basically run up to a mannequin and grab something. Some will be lucky or forceful enough to get a shirt or jacket, while others will get a sparkly top hat. Jay yells go, and the girls rush the mannequin. If there were some group for the ethical treatment of mannequins, they would surely protest what happens . The poor mannequin is knocked down, beaten, and battered, all so sparkly gold leggings can be grabbed. Speaking of the leggings, Gabrielle gets them. She tells us that she's not worried. You have to be confident, she says, and it shows if you're not. Yeah, but if you're confident even when you suck, that shows too and you just look extra ridiculous. The girls head backstage where they meet make up artist Vincent Oquendo and get their hair did by Ryan Taniguchi. Wait, what about Sutan? Sad face. Jonathan Mannion is the photographer for this shoot.
Alexandra is up first, modeling a necklace. It's a long necklace, so she kind of throws it around her back, looks over her shoulder, and covers her boobs with her arm. Jay says that Alexandra was really good on set when it came to the facial expressions, but wonders if that's enough. We'll have plenty of examples of how Alexandra fails with her body in just a bit! Angelea is , modeling a pair of shoes. She lifts a leg and bends it across her body, but Anslee notes that you can still see her hoo-ha from down below. Brenda gawks for a minute, because as much as she professes to hate Angelea in her interviews (going so far as to say her personality is horrid), there's something innately fascinating about Buffalo hoo-ha. Sadly for Brenda, Jay likes what Angelea's doing. Angela interviews that she knew the other girls were going to watch her and try to size her up. She knows how to put on a show, she says, and she did. Featuring 200% more hoo-ha!
Raina is up , modeling a ring. Simone, clever girl, managed to get her hands on the jacket. We breeze right by both of them, so I'm assuming they did fine. Tatianna models a scarf, which she runs from her neck down across her breasts and lands in her hoo-ha. So, it kind of covers everything, but yet I wonder how tasteful it is to open your legs wide when only a scarf dangles over your nether regions. Anslee models a clutch, and apparently prompts Jay to say, "Ooh, the cha-chas are just out." I thought that was the point of this whole shoot!
Gabrielle is , and doesn't know who she's using for inspiration today. She's modeling leggings, and Jay asks her for more glint in the eye because she has the same boring facial expression with every frame. Gabrielle brags about her ability to take constructive criticism, and tells us that overall she thinks she worked it. Jay tells her that she still looks really sleepy, and like she's not particularly present. He interviews that Gabrielle doesn't know how to model head-to-toe. It always kills me when they say this during the first couple of photo shoots of the season. Of course they don't know how to model! Or maybe we should all know how to model if we've previously learned about smizing?
Jessica is , modeling shorts. Despite the fact that her hoo-ha is covered up, she's nervous. She says that her grandma had weekly meetings with the pastor, and probably won't be so crazy about the idea of a nude photo shoot. I don't know. One of the things I like about grandmas, particularly when they get very old, is that they attain kind of a, "Fuck it, do whatever you want," attitude. Despite her nerves, Jessica appears to do pretty well. Brenda is , and is totally wearing a wig over her new short hair. It's still a short wig, though, so can't offer her much comfort. Brenda models a watch, and looks gorgeous. Jay notes that she does a good job selling the watch. is Naduah, with sunglasses. Jay says that he doesn't want to buy the sunglasses, which I think may have to do with the fact that they've been hanging off a naked lady.
Alasia is , modeling a vest. Jay doesn't like her feet and legs as she sits. She tries a different pose, which involves turning her body so that her back half is facing the camera, turning the vest around like she's an ill-advised Celine Dion at the 1999 Oscars, and covering up her buttcrack with a well-placed forearm. Jay deems this "creative." Jonathan asks where Alasia saw that pose and Jay answers for her by shouting, "The zoo!" Whatever, giraffes can't even get their front arms in that position. Alasia says, "I'm sorry, is that bad?" Apparently it's bad. Krista interviews that Alasia is a mess. Oooh, and then Alasia sits again and appears not to have learned the basic life lesson that if you're naked with other people you always hold in your stomach. Raina notes that she looks pregnant. Overall, Alasia was disappointing and looked lost.
is Ren, modeling a gold sparkly asymmetrical top hat that of course she loves. She chats with the folks backstage, and interviews that she tends to get along with the hair and makeup people. She's not going out of her way to make the other models like her. Or, I would add, to make us like her. She acts like this is a choice, which, I'm not so sure. Jay and Jonathan seem to like what she's doing. Angelea tells us that she didn't give Ren much thought, because she's so deficient in personality. However, she had a bomb-ass photo shoot, so might indeed be a threat. Krista is , and has a "dress." It's basically like a sash of fabric that she's not even wearing. How is that a dress? Jay tells her that he gets a good photo when he covers up her face. Nice. The overall consensus is that Krista's shoot pretty much sucked. Even she's unsure about it. And that's a wrap!
The girls get Tyra Mail, delivered with a skull and crossbones symbol. Wouldn't it be great if this actually meant that one food item in the kitchen has rat poison in it, but they don't know which one? I'd find that an engaging season-long subplot, and a very effective way to curb midnight munchies. Sadly, it just means that panel is imminent and someone's going home. Gabrielle tells us that she's not scared, because she brings it in front of the camera, and thinks she did well at the shoot. Naduah also isn't nervous, but notes to a few other girls that Jay was pretty harsh on Krista. Brenda agrees, and thinks that Krista will be the one going home. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time! Tyra introduces the judges. There is, of course, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker. And then there's guest judge and makeover facilitator Sally Hershberger. And then. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. Andre Leon Talley! He is, of course, the editor-at-large for Vogue, and Tyra says he's one of the most prolific, influential, and powerful people in the entire fashion world. And he has sat to Anna Wintour at many a fashion show and not melted or had a spontaneous nervous breakdown. ALT is the real deal. As we will soon discover, he's something of a rich man's Miss J. He makes no sense, but makes no sense in French. ALT for the win. He's wearing what appears to be a Supreme Court robe, which is only fitting.
There are prizes: a contract from Wilhelmina Models; a cover and six-page spread in Seventeen magazine (which means the dread Ann Shoket will likely make multiple appearances on the show once again); and a $100,000 Cover Girl contract. And the biggest prize of all, of course, is having the chance to be insulted by Andre Leon Talley week after week!
Ren is up first, looking "edgy" and unwashed, and like she hasn't slept in six years. The judges like her hat-wearing picture. Nigel and ALT both commend Ren on her eye contact. Tyra says that the challenge of this photo shoot was not to look too sexy, but bring fashion to the photo, and Ren did that. ALT likes the charm of how Ren holds her hands and feet in the photos, and thinks it gives her a naïve quality akin to a "woodland fantasy nymph." Sally Hershberger adds that she's a waif, and ALT says, "woodland nymph, yes." I guess you're not supposed to try to add anything after the great ALT has spoken, even if you agree with him.
Angelea is up , and ALT loves the makeover, and also loves her picture. He commends her on her method of boob coverage, and totally covets the shoes she's selling. Sally thinks Angelea's face and hair are super sexy. Both Tyra and Nigel say that if this were an ad in the magazine, they'd stop and figure out where they could get the shoes. You always knew Nigel liked furry pumps, didn't you? Alexandra is , wearing only a necklace. Nigel likes her, but thinks the way she's covering her boob doesn't work. We are learning important lessons today about how you should or should not cover your boob with your hand. File to "booty tooch." ALT is not moved by the photo, and says that it doesn't give him the "zhush!" that he needs to go to the other side. Which other side is he talking about, exactly? Of the two "other sides" I can imagine, death seems the more likely.
is Raina, modeling only a ring. The judges love it. ALT says that her hands are so graceful, and she could be a courtesan in a 19th century painting. Tyra explains to Raina that a courtesan is like a mistress, and Raina is pleased. ALT says that she gives off a vibe of someone who's luxurious and used to big rings, big jewelry, big men, big lovers, and big houses -- in other words, the good life. Overall: gorgeous. Anslee has hooker boots, which Tyra loves. Oh, ALT just informed us that they're called cavalier boots. I actually might learn something this season. Otherwise, however, Anslee is wardrobe challenged and has to strip off a few layers and all her jewelry. Nigel says that Anslee has a stunning face and a good body, so it's a shame she didn't work it. ALT goes one step further and says, "You almost have a telescopic view into the nether regions." Lest you think this is a bad thing he adds, "Most girls did not do that, and you've done it with style." Apparently there is a right way to put your ladybits on display! Who knew?
Simone is up and shows off her awesome/dreadful hair. Sally thinks that Simone looks stiff in her photo, but she can't get over her buttery skin and how sexy she looks. Tyra encourages Simone to smize and take things to the level. Then there's Gabrielle. There is total silence when her photo pops up. Nigel says that Gabrielle looks scared, and like she's covering herself. Well, technically that's exactly what she's doing. ALT thinks that the pose is awkward, and that Gabrielle should have been more relaxed. Gabrielle lost her neck to boot, and Tyra reminds her that the neck is key to being a model.
Jessica is up , and the judges aren't crazy about her puffy skirt. She strips down to a tank top and leggings, and they love it. The judges also love her photo. ALT says that Jessica is giving high fashion. Her hair is "totally sauvage," but still bold and fabulous. I am going to start saying "totally sauvage" in staff meetings. Tyra tells Jessica that she has a gift, because she's a chameleon. She can change it up, bend, tuck, and move, and it's natural. Those are the luckiest girls. Not so lucky is Krista, who, as predicted, has a terrible photo. Tyra says that Krista looks like a 1960's mannequin in an antiquated pose. She needed to sell her crazy hair and makeup. Tyra asks Krista what she thinks of her makeover, and Krista admits that she feels a little plain. However, she realizes that Tyra gave her said plain makeover because she has fab cheekbones.
is Naduah. ALT thinks her photo looks completely artificial, like she's studied a famous portrait of someone. There's no sense of the real her. Nigel thinks that her face looks incredible, but almost like it's chopped off from the rest of the body. Tyra tells Naduah that her confidence shines in her photos, and that she's impressed. Brenda is , with her watch photo. ALT thinks that her knee and leg look awkward. Nigel agrees, but says that the look in Brenda's eyes is powerful and alluring. Tyra notes that Brenda's hiding her neck, but it works. Cut to Gabrielle, ever neckless in the wrong way. Tyra points out that Brenda had a hard time with the makeover. Brenda's not a drama queen about it, but does say that she's always had long hair and it's like a security blanket. Sally says that Brenda had to do this makeover, and notes that she's seen many models struggle with plain old hair, but then become huge when they chop it. That seems good enough for Brenda at the moment.
Tatianna is , with her spread eagle legs covered by a scarf. Her face looks crazy good. Andre says that if this was a Dior foulard -- and at this moment he turns to Tyra and says in a lower voice, "Scarf." -- he'd buy it. Well, it's a Custo Barcelona scarf. And it's been draped over lady bits. He's not buying anything. Tatianna is smizing, which is good, but she was in this pose for three-quarters of her film, which isn't good. Last up is Alasia. Of course her "best shot" is the one where she's covering her ass crack with her arm. Neither Sally nor ALT has ever seen a photo like this before and Nigel pipes in, "There's a reason." The members of the panel totally laugh at Alasia to her face, which is not very nice. It's one thing when we do it at home, or in a recap. But have a little compassion, Nigel Barker! Nigel harshly asks, "Which fashion magazines have you been studying? Explain to me." Alasia starts crying, because she's afraid of being sent home.
And then ALT, like the fairy godmother to a woodland fantasy nymph that he is, tells Alasia that he absolutely loves the photograph. He applauds her for the boldness and imagination of the whole thing, and says it's a raw, beautiful photograph. Tyra and Nigel give some choice looks. But ALT is undeterred. He says that if this was shown in a gallery he'd buy it and hang it in his salon. Not his hair salon. His French SA-lon, like he's Gertrude Stein. ALT defines "salon" as a room where you go and you converse, and serve beautiful drinks, and talk about politics, religion, art, love, sex, beauty, wine, roses, and the fabulous girl with her fabulous derriere. As you can imagine, no one has anything to say to that, though I bet Nigel is totally going to go home and redecorate his den to make it more salon-esque.
The judges deliberate. Ren has a classic nude pose, and ALT likes the emotion in her eyes while Sally likes her waifish Kate Moss vibe. ALT thinks that the best thing about Simone is her skin, and she didn't sell her jacket properly. He adds, "It's all awkward and gauche." Not salon material, apparently. Tatianna's photo works, but possibly only because Tyra and ALT are obsessed with the Cavalli/Gucci/Dior/luxury brands-ish scarf. Again: Custo Barcelona. ALT thinks that Gabrielle's shot is boring, cliché, and catalogue-y from the wrong catalogue. Sally thought she was hidden, and Nigel sees no emotion. Jessica is "it," according to ALT. Sally loves her body, attitude, and sexy hair. Krista's picture is wretched, but ALT thinks she has potential when you see her in person. ALT is not impressed by Naduah, and thinks it's a copycat pose. Tyra loves it, though, possibly because it reminds her of kidfucker cults.
Alexandra's face is really '70s and retro, but Nigel thinks she's merely pretty. Brenda has a great face and luscious lips, according to Sally, and Nigel thinks that she's got strength in her eyes. Raina has extraordinary lyricism in her body, according to ALT, and Tyra adds that she has a secret in her eyes. ALT is impressed that she knew how to put the ring on and sell it. Nigel thinks that Alasia's photo is all wrong, and Sally adds that it's amateurish. However, ALT thinks it's bold, out of the box, imaginative, and he loves the awkwardness of her legs. Nigel makes a pun on the word "asset," and appears more doofusy than ever when positioned two seats down from ALT. Everyone loves Angelea's photo. Nigel and ALT have a disagreement about whether her hand is dainty or powerful. I think these two are going to hate each other but quick. ALT and Tyra like Anslee's picture a lot more than it seemed earlier. Mostly, they want the clutch purse. With that, the judges have reached a decision!
Thirteen beautiful young ladies, twelve photos. You know the drill. The girl who has the best photo of the week will be called first, and her photo will be displayed as digital art in the Top Model house. Additionally, the girl who has the best photo each week will also participate in the prize from the challenge, no matter how poorly she does in said challenge. And the girl with the best photo this week is Jessica! See, the Lord loves you in the buff. Angelea is called , followed by Ren, Brenda, Simone, Tatianna, Anslee, Raina, Naduah, Alexandra, and Krista. This leaves Gabrielle and Alasia in the bottom two. Two beautiful young ladies, one photo. And that photo represents the girl who's still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. Gabrielle is a lovely girl in person, but there was dead silence when her photo appeared on screen. That dead silence represents a reader turning the page in a magazine. That's a problem. Alasia's photo made the judges feel very uncomfortable. She might be one of those girls whom the camera hates. So who stays? Alasia. Because you don't fuck with ALT and his salon. Poor Gabrielle, though -- that's a surprise. And she looks so pretty with her new curly blonde hair.
Gabrielle packs her things and admits she's in major shock. She wanted to represent women all over, but also break a barrier for herself. But she didn't. She intends to go to school for fashion merchandising and model on the side. But no matter what, she's going to be somebody. Somebody who can't sell a pair of gold leggings. Which, when you think about it, is actually okay.
We don't even get a commercial break as we head into the second hour of the show! Alasia says that being in the bottom two was a real wake-up call. She's glad that the judges see that she has potential, and assures us that she can do this with a little teaching. The girls head home and make a ruckus over Jessica's winning photo. Ren pours herself a glass of red. She confessionalizes that all of the girls talking so loud is seriously giving her a brutal headache. Alasia, who constantly screams -- even with her mouth stuffed with marshmallows! -- has a special place in Ren's ire. Ren says that it's so hard to be there, because she thinks she's far too intelligent. Cut to Alasia screaming with the marshmallows some more. Okay, well, maybe she has a point. But still, what a shit slice. Also, from certain angles, she really looks like Beavis.
Tyra Mail! "y did the model cross the road? guess u will have 2 find out 2morrow. Luv, Tyra." The girls all figure that there's a runway teach ahead. Little do they know what's in store for their challenge. Mwah ha ha! Mwah ha ha ha! MWAH HA HA HA! Sorry for the boundless evil enthusiasm, but the addition of ALT and this episode has reminded me of all that's good about Top Model , and I just can't contain my excitement! Foreshadowing agrees, and has Alexandra say that she's always been involved in competitions, and she gets bothered if she does even the tiniest thing wrong. Again with the mwah ha ha!
Meanwhile, Naduah talks to some of her fellow models in their bedroom. Apparently, she has eight brothers and sisters. And THEN, she totally loses her accent as she says that she was born into a religious cult and it was a big deal for her when she left at seventeen. Hmm. Naduah regains her accent as she interviews that being in this competition means a lot, because growing up in a cult is very draining physically and emotionally. Well, I guess. It's not unpoisoned Kool-Aid parties all the time, after all. Naduah gets a little bit of the accent back as she tells the girls that she wouldn't change a thing, because it made her the control freak that she is today.
Raina asks Naduah if she's done a naked photo shoot. Naduah says she has, with her husband, and that it was very sexy because he's black and she's white. Uhhh... hmm. Also, isn't she half Mexican? Naduah then goes on to commend her own tastefulness, and tell the others that Playboy asked her to work for them and she turned them down. Maybe they asked her to be a waitress at the Cancun version of the mansion or something? Naduah interviews that she has a lot of experience, and has done a lot of local work in Cancun. She goes on to say that for one fashion week, she had a long blonde wig. Raina confirms that Naduah has been in four international fashion weeks in the past year, and assumes that she must have some bank. Naduah says that no one pays well, which is why she's on the show.
Lest you think that enthusiastic Raina is buying all this, she interviews that sometimes Naduah's stories don't add up to her. We cut to Naduah talking about how poor she was, and how she was begging on the street. Raina asks why she would then turn down work from Playboy. Naduah then says that a lot of people owe her money now, from years and years of working. Brenda looks skeptical. She interviews that she doesn't doubt that Naduah grew up in a cult and suffered various trauma, but adds, "But with all the different stories... I don't know." Raina and Anslee discuss how Naduah's various stories don't add up. Raina wonders where Naduah's ring is, if she's married to Mr. Hot Black Model. She thinks it's sad, but Anslee thinks it's pathetic. Tough talk from someone who appears to have a twigs and berries tattoo on her wrist. Naduah interviews that she hasn't made close friends yet, probably because the other girls are intimidated by her experience and confidence. And/or think she's a shady pathological liar. Could go either way! With that, commercials.
When we return, the girls head to some sort of building filled with windows and empty space for a runway teach. Ms. J., of course, is the teacher. He has a metronome, and tells the girls that timing is everything. He then rolls up his sleeves to reveal a whole bunch of watches, which I guess indicates that he fell just as prey to the Swatch Watch phase as the rest of us. A top model must keep her timing and pace perfectly on the runway, he says. But first, they must learn how to take off a coat. Start with the bottom buttons, FYI. And then once you take it off, kind of whip it to the side. Timing! Pace! Jackets! J. tells Tatianna that she needs to smile and not act like her coat is dirty laundry. Alexandra walks and tells us that a benefit of being a competitive person is that she can take critiques well. To J., she listens as Ms. J. says that she shouldn't look down when she's walking. And that, my friends, is where it all began.
Anslee needs to keep her shoulders back, which is counter to the baby stroller pushing that she's used to. Naduah does a weird thing with her mouth. Miss J. says that Ren could have a great career, but she doesn't see it yet. He reminds us that this is the very same girl who had to have her armpits trimmed on makeover day. However, there's still some potential. Alasia's walk is roundly viewed as garbage. Miss J. says that her walk is like the old black woman who keeps her hands on her purse on the subway. He then does an impression of that woman, complete with sound effects that go, "Watchu talkin' bout, chiiile?" It's like a combination of Willis and Florence from The Jeffersons, and is quite funny. Ms. J.'s demotion is the best thing that could have happened to him, I think.
The second part of the lesson will entail the girls walking across a busy Manhattan street full of cars, people, and MADNESS! This is a good opportunity to work on pacing, with pesky people and cars getting in the way and/or running you over. The girls must also take off their jackets as they walk. It's like real life Frogger! I like it. Jessica is first to go, and really works it. Heads turn. A couple in a man-on-the-street interview say that they saw her from a block away, and that she looks lovely. I should add that it appears to be quite cold in New York, so bitches taking off their coats in the middle of the street seems extra unusual. Angelea is , and notes that you have to cross the street and cross back before the light changes. Ms. J. says that Angelea kept her pace, but she needs a little more bump in her grind.
And then there's Ren. She confessionalizes/snits, "It was kind of silly. We had to go into the 45 degree weather, and cross the damn New York busy street." I love how she thinks she has to explain that this show is "kind of silly." I want someone to pry her eyes open A Clockwork Orange style and make her watch Super Smize repeatedly until she goes fully mental. Naduah loves that people are looking her like she's crazy, because it "means attention." She's like a big, oversized kid from a sex-crazed cult, isn't she? A man on the street says that he noticed Naduah giving "weird face" and didn't know what it was all about. Another woman on the street opines that these girls need to put some clothes on, because it's too cold. Maybe in addition to the random poisoned food item in the house and the possibility of getting run over by a car, the producers are trying to give someone pneumonia! I like it. Back in the building, Ms. J. reiterates that timing is everything, and sends the girls on their way.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail! "2morrow u will really need 2 b in the swing of things. Luv, Tyra." Alasia starts screaming, and Ren confessionalizes that she'd like Alasia to shut the fuck up for one second. She adds, "Please," but I think we can all assume that this politeness will be short lived. The day, the girls head to Surrogate's Courthouse in lower Manhattan. Maybe this is where ALT gets his judicial robes? Ms. J. is there to greet them, and tells the girls that this is their first runway challenge. He introduces designer Rachel Roy, who has dressed some of the red carpet's hottest stars AND Michelle Obama. Rachel tells the girls that they'll be wearing her 2010 spring designs, and the girl who wins the challenge will get to keep her fabulous garment and be featured on rachelroy.com in an upcoming fall/winter collection.
.But there's more. The girls are going to have to walk amongst giant swinging pendulums. Dong! Genius. Timing really does matter here, and is the difference between literally being clocked and getting out alive. As Alasia says Tootie-like that she's in trouuuu-blllle, we head to commercials. And not just commercials, but the Cover Girl Top Model Lounge presented by Wal-Mart! Once again we have Bianca and Laura waxing poetic about pendulums flying. Bianca is certain that this is going to be bad, while Laura opines [via cue card] that this is one tough runway. While not as exciting as last week's sexy blanket, I'm pleased that this is apparently going to be a regular feature!
The girls get wardrobed and haired and make-upped, and one by one take their turn on the runway of doom. There's a little audience assembled, so as to enjoy the hijinx and humiliation. Alexandra tells us that she doesn't think all of the girls are ready for this, but she is. Foreshadowing wears a foulard! Simone is out first, and we learn that the girls also have to walk down a giant flight of stairs. The more this show becomes like Wipeout, the more I enjoy it. Simone makes it down the stairs, but says this is the least of her worries. She gets bumped by the first pendulum, but manages to recover and she emerges from her return trip unscathed. Brenda is wearing a long, skintight blue dress, and makes her face and body stronger since she has to walk slower. She does not get bumped by a single pendulum, and Ms. J. deems her very elegant.
Angelea is , and seems to do fine. Krista has a close encounter with the front pendulum, but doesn't actually get hit. Jessica gets grazed by a pendulum, and admits that she blew it. She takes off her coat with aplomb, though. Alasia, in a long shirtdress, is not scared of the pendulum. She acknowledges that her runway walk needs work, but she thinks that she did a good job of it. I think she could probably walk through swinging pendulums with a mouthful of marshmallows and still make it through with no bruises. Well done. Ren is , and tells us that you can't really have a strategy for walking down a runway adorned by giant swinging pendulums. You just have to try not to get hit. In some weird way, I think that's a metaphor for life. Ren walks like she has polio. Her pace is off, but she doesn't fall, which she considers a victory. Anslee walks and a pendulum narrowly misses the back of her head. It's really something, and makes J. crack up. Tatianna is fine, as is Raina. Naduah tells us that she wasn't nervous, because she's too excited to get nervous. She classifies her strut as sexy, classy, and powerful. Naduah thinks that Ms. J. was impressed by her walk, but his "WTF?" face says otherwise.
And then, it's money shot time. Alexandra emerges and, right off the bat, falls down a flight of stairs. I wouldn't be surprised if someone buttered them before she walked out, but still. I think she actually slides down the stairs on her knees, which, ouch. She tells us that she was instantly mortified, but her competitive spirit told her to suck it up and keep going. In retrospect she realizes that she should have taken a breath and pulled it together, but at the time all she could think was to be fierce and distract the audience. Oh, she distracts them all right. Alexandra walks, and has to stop for a second before the first pendulum swings by. Ms. J. notes that she looks mad. Alexandra poses at the end of the runway and makes her return trip.
And just when you think that fall was enough humiliation for one episode, a pendulum clocks her and knocks her right off the runway. I mean, money shot. And if you didn't rewind this at least 50 times on the DVR, you're a much better person than me. Ms. J. throws his hands up with simultaneous horror and glee. Runway gurus: they're just like us! We get to relive Alexandra's fall down the stairs an fall off the runway in sepia-toned slow motion, as God intended. She gets back up on the runway and the pendulums are suspended, to give her a fair chance. Backstage, a beat-up Alexandra gets her knee bandaged. Her fancy dress is totally ripped. She tells us that she's really competitive and lets things get to me, and she never predicted that she would get knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Which, fair.
Ms. J. and Rachel give the girls their critiques. Alexandra got knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Alasia needs to take longer and more elegant steps, but her face was insane in a good way. Rachel loves how Brenda wore the dress, and her elegance. Raina is getting better and better. Ren needs to loosen up, and J. tells her that her body isn't there yet and it completely throws her off. Naduah does the weird lip thing, and needs to relax her face so her effortless beauty comes through. And the winner of the challenge is... Brenda! She really did a great job, and now has a gorgeous dress and no place to wear it. Jessica, since she had the best photo in the last episode, also gets to keep her ensemble. She kind of got a raw deal with that one, though maybe aqua blue blazers fly in Arkansas.
Back at home, it's time for serious drama. Alasia is loud, and Ren tells her to shut the fuck up. Alasia then goes ten kinds of crazy on her ass and starts screaming in her face. Ren goes, "Blah blah blah." Alasia confessionalizes, "I ain't gonna let nobody speak to me like that for no reason." She is wearing a striped turtleneck and flowered headscarf, all of which add up to one big picture of crazy. She quite hilariously screams to an ostensibly calm Ren, "You need to calm the fuck down!" The other girls stand around awkwardly and have bad memories of their parents fighting. Alasia points out that Ren started shit with her, which is kind of true, but the craziness that Alasia's displaying right now is a little frightening, delightful as she is. She throws some kitchen implements around as she screams. In a contemplative confessional she says, "I hate having to snap on people." Indeed. Ren pulls a wooden spoon out of the sink and claims it was thrown at her. Alasia rightfully points out that if she actually wanted to hit Ren with that spoon, she would have. Ren confessionalizes, "I could be happy living my life, and instead I chose to be in this crazy fucking house." She's crying, and perhaps on the verge of mental collapse. Goody! If you are a willing participant in America's Top Model, I can only muster up so much sympathy. Even when Alasia shouts, "I know where you sleep, dog!" With the thrill of terror, we head to commercials.
When we return, Ren tells Anslee that she's had it with all of these stupid fights. She went from having absolutely no drama in her life -- being poor as hell, but still being happy -- to "this." Ren confessionalizes that, for her sanity, she's not sure how long she can possibly uphold this. Anslee seems to like Ren, and doesn't want her to compromise her mental stability. Ren agrees that it's not worth it. Anslee confessionalizes that she likes Ren, but if Ren doesn't want to be there, she doesn't need to be there. True enough.
Tyra Mail! "make ur mark b4 u disappear. Luv, Tyra." The girls head to an abandoned/condemned building in Brooklyn, and head to the roof. Jay Manuel meets them and explains that they'll have their first beauty shot today, with Manhattan in the background! The shot is for a cool new fragrance that sprays on with color, and then disappears. But that's not all! There's a wind machine, and a rain machine, and the girls will have to make it look like they're not affected at all by the manufactured elements. There is hair and makeup, and we learn that it's a cold day. Otherwise, why have water?
Alasia is first to shoot. She meets photographer Brian Edwards, who did Cycle 12's Ellis Island shoot. Alasia sprays on the colorful perfume, and the wind and rain starts. She takes a minute to catch her breath. The conditions look pretty miserable. Alasia does better than last week, but Jay says that she needs to stop analyzing, listen, and retain the information that she's given. Makeup artist Hope Choman paints a black/blue lip on Jessica, to make it look like she's been eating tar. Jessica does a good job using the sheer fabric that each girl is wearing. Alexandra is , and knows that she has to make it work after getting knocked off the runway by a giant pendulum. Alexandra does some weird vogue-ing hand movements, but after Jay yells at her for a while she gets much better. Angelea is , and Brian tells her that she looks like a cat getting thrown into water. I can attest that that's not a pretty sight. Jay loves Angelea's semi-profile poses.
Meanwhile, Naduah is "touching up" her makeup after the makeup artist has already treated her. Anslee tells us that Naduah thinks Naduah knows too much. You're here to learn, she adds, and not act like a pathologically lying know-it-all. Naduah says that sometimes the other girls get uncomfortable around her. She's okay with that, since she understands that her extreme confidence might be interpreted as arrogance. Or it could be that she practices weird poses in a bra and no underwear while everyone else is just chilling fully-clothed. Naduah heads on set and Jay tells her that, because he expected the most from her, he was disappointed in her performance from last week. He tells her to go back to the basics and not overthink it. Naduah starts posing amidst wind and rain, and Jay says that it's not pretty at all. She apparently gets overly complicated, when really she needs to be simple. She tries to fight the wind machine with her mouth and ends up looking like a blow-up doll. That for sure is the wrong kind of catalog.
Krista is . Jay loves her body, but could use more from her eyes. Simone's shoot also goes by quickly, as Jay tells her not to squint in the water. Tatianna is instructed not to look cold. Brenda has a really hard time, and is totally thrown by the water and wind. Jay tells her to keep her eyes open. Jay asks for soft and serene from Anslee, and she turns into a profile shot that makes him exclaim, "Gooooorgeous!" He says that pose would make Madonna blush. Raina is beautiful, gorgeous, and even gets a, "Lord!" She's Jay's favorite for the day, and he says she's the only girl who could nail looking straight at the camera.
And then there's Ren. She fidgets around, and tells us that she could feel her contacts moving around in her eyeballs and it hurt a lot. Also, she can't breathe. She sprays a shit ton of disappearing fragrance on herself, then tells us that she just wanted to get it over with because she was so uncomfortable. That sound byte could apply to just about anything Ren has done or will do on this show. With that, it's a wrap!
Back at the house, the girls discuss the imminent eliminations. Naduah isn't nervous about panel, and says that, for all her faults, she's got something great going and thinks she got at least one great shot. Ren tells the others that she couldn't breathe or see during her shoot. Is she wearing moccasins? Good Lord. A crying Ren confessionalizes that maybe the other girls want it more and are willing to give up their whole lives for this. She, however, is not willing to give up her sanity and her happiness. I give up my happiness every time I have to write another word about her. She should not be immune from the misery and hell that surrounds this show at all levels (except the ALT level, which is filled with rainbows and cotton candy!). Alasia hopes that her shoot was bomb-diggity, or at least better than last week. As she tells us that she's scared, she heads to commercials.
When we return, it's panel time! There are prizes, there are judges. Rachel Roy is the guest judge. ALT is now wearing a bronze judicial robe, because he likes to keep it consistent while also mixing it up. I appreciate that. Alasia is first up for critique. Tyra asks ALT what he thinks of Alasia's outfit, which incorporates shredded leggings, and he replies, "Dreckitude!" Tyra asks what that means. ALT says, "Dreck, which means a wreck. Dreckitude!" Is "wreckitude" a word? What is even happening? I think Tyra was inspired to invent the word "smize" after having a pitcher of margaritas with ALT. Alasia's best shot is actually okay. Tyra likes it, and says there's attitude in it. ALT continues to be an Alasia fan. He says that the photo is dramatic, and he could see it as a double-page spread in a very high-fashion magazine. He then adds, "Honey chile, for me, you created your own ragtime." Alasia clutches her chest like she has any clue what the fuck that means. It's not French, so you can't even translate it to make sense. Rachel says that she can't see much in Alasia's eyes, which is worrisome. She also points out that there's a long thread of drool coming off her chin. Just one more thing to talk about in the salon, I guess.
Anslee is . Her profile shot gets raves. Tyra says she'd buy some foundation from Anslee, even though she's the wrong color. Tyra is inspired by Anslee's "cheekboneness." I think we need a very special kind of interpreter for this show. Ren is , and says the shoot was tough with the contacts and the cold and the trouble breathing. Tyra says that Ren looks like she has a cold in her photo, and Nigel adds that it's the sort of picture that sells H1N1 vaccine. This remark inspires a smirk from Alasia. Tyra tells Ren to fight through the discomfort, and ALT adds that she should take out the contact lenses and go blind. Sound advice.
is Krista. Her photo is stunning, and she reminds ALT of Naomi Sims. He adds that it's a joyous thing to see. Nigel says that Krista adds fantasy by opening her eyes when naturally they should be squinting. She gets raves all around, which must be a nice change of pace after last week. Naduah's best shot has a drama to it, according to ALT, but it's stereotypical drama and not true magic. Like a screaming, spoon-throwing fight as opposed to writing in someone's brownies. ALT doesn't think there's any thought behind it. Tyra thinks that Naduah's photo looks like an ad, and that she needs to get past the exaggerated French-accented "advertisement." In other news, Tyra pours some water and instructs Naduah to wipe the clown makeup off her face. Naduah has drawn on eyebrows where Tyra bleached them, which was a really bad call and does not go unnoticed.
Tatianna is , and Rachel thinks her photo is absolutely gorgeous. ALT loves the fragility and vulnerability in her body, and commends the romantic photo. Brenda is . She won the challenge, but her photo would definitely hit the reject floor at Vogue, according to ALT. He adds a, "Slap!" for emphasis. In person Brenda looks fresh, edgy and strong, but when she's sidelit she looks old. Jessica is , and her photo is just okay. What saves her is her way with a scarf-like wardrobe. Rachel says that she doesn't get Jessica's youth, freshness or energy in her photo. Then there's Angelea. Her hair is in her face, and ALT says it's a mess. Nigel tells her that the photo would have been better and sexier if she'd opened her mouth a bit.
Alexandra is . Nigel thinks that her shot works as a photograph, but he doesn't get it as a photograph. However, Rachel thinks that her face is gorgeous. Tyra asks what happened at the fashion show, and we get to relive both the fall and the pendulum swing in sepia-toned glory yet again. Alexandra cries, because she doesn't want to go home. Rachel points out that, on the runway, Alexandra's anger and sadness was visible. She needs to keep that on the inside. Models fall all the time [There's a great youtube montage to prove it. -- Angel], and it's how you react afterwards that matters. Simone is , and Nigel likes her body language. ALT wants Simone to relax, and says that they haven't seen the real Simone yet. Last up is Raina. Her photo is gorgeous, stunning perfection. She looks like a wolf, and Tyra wants to howl. Raina is smizing, and generally proving that she has "it."
The judges deliberate. Ren is an unspeakable trainwreck according to ALT. Rachel thinks that the shot is cold and depressing. Krista's photo is classy, and she's one of Rachel's favorites. ALT thinks that Naduah is dreckitude. Her pictures are average, says Nigel, and Tyra adds that she's flat. Tatianna expresses a beautiful fragility and looks much younger than she is. ALT thinks she did a great job. Rachel is nervous about Brenda being a model on her website. Tyra assures her that Brenda actually can take a picture, even if this one wasn't very good. Jessica's photo is not exciting, and ALT says he wants to be etonne. That means astonished. Nigel likes Angelea's photo, and everyone is surprised that she's able to deliver a feminine shot two weeks in a row. Alexandra's photo is very "Modeling 101," but ALT thinks she can learn. Simone is a pretty girl who has always been told how pretty she is, and needs to learn how to work harder. Raina is the greatest. Anslee is only evoking a jutting chin, according to ALT, but he adds that "sometimes a great, jutting, WASPy chin is needed." That may be my favorite thing he's said yet. Alasia doesn't stand out in the photo or on the runway, according to Rachel. But Tyra likes her photo, and how she looks like she's about to open a can of whoop-ass. Girl, that can has been opened and is now in the recycling bin. As Nigel says, "The smell of whoop-ass," the judges have reached a decision.
Twelve beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has eleven photos in her hand. The first name to be called, and the best picture of the week, is Raina. Krista is called , followed by Anslee, Tatianna, Simone, Alexandra, Angelea, Alasia, Brenda, and Jessica. This leaves Ren and Naduah in the bottom two. That's a bit of a surprise, since I figured both of them would be around for a while. Naduah stands in the bottom two because the judges see something that's very different and out of the box, but her posing techniques are so classic that her edge is almost a waste. And then there's Ren, who's "edgy," "cool," and "interesting." Her photo looks like an ad for H1N1 vaccine. So who stays in the competition? Ren. I guess willingness to go head to head with Alasia is more interesting than pathological lying in the end.
Tyra tells Naduah that she's dressed in a beautiful and classic way, but it's not what sells in the industry. She can't water down her edgy shaved head with plain old pretty niceness. Naduah thanks Tyra for the opportunity, and bids the others goodbye. She cries as she packs and tells us that the judges didn't give her the opportunity that she deserved. She had experience, and general passion, and is surprised that they didn't see more in her. Naduah is insulted that some of the girls don't have a desire for modeling, yet are still in the competition. Naduah says that walking out of this experience she'll not only continue as she always has, but flourish. Pathological lies!