Previously: Nicole is America's First Top Petite Model! All right! But there were many who came before her. This clip episode is a tale of how 14 became one. This takes me back to the glorious heyday of the Spice Girls. I need some clips like I never needed clips before (show me clips of shorties, baby). Tyra tries to convince us that short became chic during this cycle. In reality, I don't think Dolly Parton is over 5'0". Short has always been fabulous. There were surprises this cycle, including a surprise elimination, and lots of beautiful scenery. And, of course, stunning photo shoots. I actually love the clip show, because it reminds me of all the bitches who, as they left in weeks one through eight, also left my memory (e.g. Stank Bianca II!).
We begin at the beginning, when Top Model decided a stunt season was in order and opened the competition up to girls 5'7" and under. We see a bevy of young women in line to audition, but not the ones who had that riot in New York. Tyra says that one of these girls would have the opportunity to become the Kate Moss. I wouldn't go that far, though I think that if any of these bitches stands a shot, it's certainly Nicole. Though I also don't see her embracing the bullshittery of the fashion industry. I'm still pulling for her to take her money and go to art school. There was record turnout as the disenfranchised mini-model-wannabes from all over the country embraced their one and only semi-shot at success.
Thirty two lucky ladies were invited to the Los Angeles Biltmore to try out for Tyra's "Le Cycle 13." And then, post traumatic flashback! Tyra spoke in a "French accent" and talked about breaking and kicking the box. You always knew she was never really pro-ladyparts. Each of the finalists got measured against a big chart on the wall, like they were in kindergarten. Sundai actually looked like she could be a pre-schooler. Oh, and hey! Remember Crazy Amber? Oh, yeah. We saw each of the girls bring their A game as they auditioned for Tyra and the Jays, but what we did not see was Tyra take a walk down the runway with Stank Bianca II. Bianca goes to Howard University, and is in the Howard fashion shows. Bianca gets ready to do what they call the "queen walk," and Tyra wants to join in. It's just one more opportunity for Tyra to act a fool. We allow it because we know it makes her feel relatable. Bianca tells us that she has confidence, presence, and an aura about herself. An aura of stank, as we were soon to learn. The color of that aura is poison center sticker green.
Finally, Tyra chose fourteen unique girls to be finalists in this shorty season: Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Kara, Lisa, Nicole, Sundai, and Laura, who was bawling even then. And this is a bit of revisionist history, because of course Crazy Amber was chosen as a finalist but then turned out to be a performance artist or whatever who outsmarted the system, so on the first episode it was announced that Lisa would be appearing in her stead. Not all the sequins on your exceptionally shiny blazer can make me forget that, Tyra.
The final fourteen showed up in L.A. so that the process of torturing them for our enjoyment could begin. They were surprised with the news that the very first order of business would be their makeovers. Er, Ty-overs. Little did we know that Ty-over was the first step on the path to smize. (And speaking of... how can there be no mentioning of smizing in this entire clip show?) Stylist to the stars Sally Hershberger worked on some of the girls herself. Tyra tells us that Lisa got her hair chopped off, but in reality it looks exactly the same. This fits her position as instant bootee. Nicole hoped that her hair would be shaved, but there's no way anyone with a brain would get rid of that gorgeous mane of red hair. Tyra told us that Nicole would get a giant fro, which she did for a minute. But then, of course, she has the ability to wash and dry her own hair, so it looked relatively tame in the coming weeks. Nicole really did sound completely baked when she was first on the show, and told us in deadpan monotone that she liked her fierce do, and looked like a wild animal in heels.
And then, bonus! The makeovers were so transforming that Nicole was having trouble remembering some of the girls' names. She tells us that she's not so great with names in the first place, so made up some monikers that suited the girls a bit better. Lisa was "Smush," because of her lips. Laura was "Kentucky." That's like a Flavor of Love name, right there. Rae, ever stuck in the literal, was "Athletic Blonde Mother." Brittany was "Creepy Mermaid Girl." Why, you may ask? Nicole says, "Immediately, she just creeped me out. I love it." Rachel was "Nerdy Girl." She would of course soon come to be known as "Girl Who Got Booted Mid-Episode." Sundai interviews, "Nicole is... a weirdo." Nicole tells Jay that she loves her hair, and that it makes her look like Bozo the Clown. She interviews that sometimes she doesn't know why she thinks the things she thinks. It's just instinctive. I do enjoy Nicole, but can maybe see why she had to have lunch in a bathroom stall once in a while.
After a long day of makeovers, the girls got to head to their glorious house. Too bad all the ceilings and doors weren't really small. The theme of the house was something akin to "colors and candy." But bonus! We never saw how a sweet treat turned into a competition. It entails Lisa and Kara seeing how many pieces of a certain candy (located ON THE FLOOR) that they can fit into their mouths. Kara wins with five pieces. Fascinating. Lisa confessionalizes that the candy is her favorite part of the house, and that she never wants to go home. Tough break for her. Erin comes along and can fit more candy than anyone in her mouth. Too bad she didn't keep it in there for the rest of the season. Kara confessionalizes that there should be no arguing in their house, because it's a fun house. And holy ptosis! I don't know if I noticed this before, but Kara has some kind of crazy floating eye. The right one is looking at the camera while the left one's on the door. I guess that could come in handy if the mob was after you or something.
After Erin and Rae received identical bleach blonde hair with bleached eyebrows at their makeovers, they bonded in bonus footage. Erin tells us that Rae is her best friend in the house, and is like a mother. Erin doesn't know how to deal with living by herself, but Rae's helping her out. But some of the other girls -- including crazy lazy eye Kara -- were not thrilled about their relationship. Lulu tells us that Rae and Erin are called Bobbsey Twin #1 and 2, because they have the same color hair and act foolish just the same. It's kind of annoying. In the confessional with Jennifer and Lulu, Kara says that Erin is the most immature girl in the house, and Rae acts like she shouldn't have a child sometimes. In the confessional together, Erin says that she and Rae are going to rotate between being the best, and announces that we're looking at the final two. No, and no.
For Cycle 13's first photo shoot, the girls modernized their baby photos to be high-fashion and fabulous. Some, like Nicole, were amazing right off the bat. Others, like Lisa, were not so hot. Tyra actually calls her "gag-worthy." Lisa says she's thinking of how she can be a clown but still be fashionable. She does have a particularly stupid childhood photo to modernize, and a particularly stupid wardrobe with which to do it. Jay tries to give her some advice, but per usual just confuses her. So Lisa was the first to get the boot, with the commentary that her photo was "amateur." Given that she'd probably never modeled a day in her life, I'd say that's a fair assessment.
After a commercial break, we get more bonus footage of how house mother Rae got Nicole to come out of her shell. Nicole tries to scramble an egg by first cracking it on a griddle, and then sort of stirring around the top. Really? Do these girls think that breakfast just magics itself to your plate? Watch your mom or dad or guardian once in a while! Rae is all about safety first, and tells Nicole to get her hair away from the flame of the stove. She demonstrates the correct egg scrambling process. Nicole appreciates it, but interviews that Rae is way too stern. She conjectures that motherhood has done that to her, and adds that Rae has changed so many diapers that it's messed with her mind. I would get behind that theory.
The girls took a trip to Wilhelmina Models, their potential new agency, and got a chance to meet president Sean Patterson. Nigel was there, too, and added to the pressure by saying that this was their one chance to impress their potential employer (and Nigel himself) in a series of one-on-two interviews. Jennifer was very nervous, but she characterizes it as an excited nervousness that works for her. Sean asks Bianca who they should eliminate in the near future, and Bianca recommends putting Brittany or Rachel on the block. Nigel loves that she has multiple choices. Sean asks Rachel why she wants to be a model, and isn't impressed with her prepared speech of generalities. Nigel tells us that you need to have charisma when meeting your potential boss, and Rachel lacked it in spades. Courtney, however, showed off her personality to great advantage. Most of the girls thought that this was a challenge that would have a winner, but nobody was prepared for the actuality of the situation. There was only a loser. Nigel and Sean determined that one girl doesn't have what it takes to be a Wilhelmina model, and announced that said girl would have to leave the competition immediately. And the poor loser was dull, doe-eyed Rachel. She said goodbye in quiet despair. Sundai was mad, since Rachel was her best friend in the house.
Rachel's elimination was a sobering shock to the girls who remained in the competition. But what we did not know was that gift bags were sent to the girls to help lighten the mood. They contained hideous leggings and t-shirts and makeup, and the girls decided to have a fashion show featuring these new terrible items. But the girls had fun times, and that's all that matters. And then, more bonus footage! The atmosphere of friendship and fun did not survive long in the top model house. Brittany tells the other girls that at ages three and four, respectively, she wanted to be a witch and a vampire for Halloween. Bianca sees this information to its logical conclusion, and tells Brittany that she is possessed by demons. I don't know why I hadn't thought about that before! Bianca notes to the others (while Brittany is still there) that Brittany is a pagan, which is freaking satanic. Brittany says that she doesn't care, because she's not religious. Bianca asks, "So where you think you came from? Your mom?" What a twist on the classic "your mom" insult!
Jennifer tells us that she's always felt like she shouldn't stand around and watch other people get made fun of. At 23, she's older than most of the girls, and understands that they might not want to stand up to a stank bully like Bianca. So Jennifer confronts her about calling Brittany a demon-possessed Satanist, and ends with the kicker, "It doesn't sound like something God would want you to say." Fabulous. An angry Bianca say she doesn't have to explain herself to Jennifer, and asks if she's talking for Brittany. Bianca interviews that she has nothing against Jennifer, but doesn't understand why she has to stick her nose in situations that are none of her concern. The argument escalates, and Bianca shows her true lack of verbal prowess when she tells Jennifer to go pour herself some orange juice or milk. Jennifer tells us Bianca blows up at the smallest thing. She has some anger issues, and doesn't know how to talk it out. Maybe it's Bianca that is actually possessed by demons, and she's just trying to deflect attention? This whole bonus clip has made me realize that I don't use the old "you are possessed by demons" conversation starter nearly enough.
, the girls headed to the racetrack for a photo that featured them posing with a jockey, on a horse, in the buff. Or near-buff. Topless and in lacy underwear with a bevy of small hats. Courtney was dismayed when Jay insisted that she leave her broken-foot-boot on in her photo shoot. Jay was stunned by how bad her performance was. Courtney tells us that she totally shut down, which is not like her. She let her foot defeat her and gave up during her shoot, which is the sort of thing that the panel hates. She was sent home.
But who cares about Courtney when we can look at Laura and Nicole?!? Laura asks Nicole if she wants some bacon, and Tyra voices over that living in Los Angeles was a far cry from her home on a Kentucky farm. And wait... does Laura have a hickey on her neck? Amazing! But Laura brought a little of the farm to everyone through her cooking. She can make star shaped pancakes! I want some! And holy crap, I think Laura is making a full rack of ribs! Maybe I can hire her to be my personal chef. Laura interviews that all the other girls in the house eat crazy organic food, and she has to find new things to eat because she's not used to L.A. food. Rae eats a kiwi like an apple, and Laura exclaims in horror, "You eat the peel?!?" And, I mean... you eat the peel?!? It's so fuzzy! Whatever, I'm team Laura on this one. Rae convinces Laura to take a bite, and Laura recoils and says in trauma, "The fur touched my tongue." Laura interviews, "Right now a milkshake would make me really happy." So when Nigel thought Laura was just being a bimbo when she said she was thinking about milkshakes on her Cover Girl shoot, he didn't know the full, furry context of the situation.
We of course saw Miss J.'s first runway lesson of the season, but what we did not see was the girls stomping with nine year old runway sensation Diva Davanna. Erin tells us that it's pretty weird for them all to have to walk behind Diva Davanna and have her show them all up, since she's so experienced and good at walking. I guess if there are piano prodigies there might as well be prodigies for useless things, too. Miss J.'s teaching paid off when the girls walked tall at a beautiful Kevin Hall fashion show. They then headed to a photo shoot that emphasized the importance of looking taller and longer as a petite model. They posed in a warehouse that had a series of rods and ropes and pulleys. Lulu was distracted by her competitors during the shoot, and particularly demon-possessed Brittany, who annoys Lulu to death. She should be glad that's not a literal statement. Lulu lacked focus and drive, and frustrated Jay to no end. He finally chokes her, and Lulu likes it. At panel, Lulu landed at the bottom of the pack and was sent home for apparent lack of interest. That's what you get when you speak ill of the demons!
When take a commercial break, and return to more bonus footage. The cast of Cycle 13 was not alone in their L.A. home. Erin points out a snail on their shower door, much to Nicole's delight. That snail is pretty cute. Nicole also attempts to catch what Bianca claims is "an arachnid as big as my head." Bianca wants to kill it with her giant shoe, but Nicole won't allow it. Bianca in turn yells that she's going to kill Nicole and her eight-legged friend. Nicole cups the spider in her bare hands and takes it outside, which Bianca says is just weird. And I might not go that far, but in fact spiders are our friends because they eat the other bugs! But this is not the end of the bug story. Erin tells us that some of the girls don't know how to be cleanly, and of course there was freaking candy all over the house to begin with. They have an ant problem. Now that is disgusting. Bianca screams as she sees ants crawling all through her purse. She hates bugs, even though God put them on the earth the same as us. Sundai inspects Bianca's purse and notes that there are ant-attracting Cheetos in there. We also didn't get to see Jennifer talking trash -- literally. She tells us that she's not a neat freak at home, but is becoming one thanks to the disgusting ways of her housemates. She takes out the trash four times in ten minutes, and cleans the whole bathroom and the kitchen, and no one offers to help. She tells the others that they shouldn't be afraid to take out the trash once in a while and gets total silence in response. It's wearing on her, but she's trying to stay cool. Jennifer wraps tape around her hand to clean her bedroom carpet, because apparently the girls don't have a vacuum. WTF?!? I bet those ants are on contract.
After the ant trauma, the girls had their first photo shoot with Tyra behind the lens, and had to pull off the all-important beauty shot. There were a lot of scarves. Bianca struggled to soften her features in front of the camera until Jay reminded her that she loves Jesus. Bianca tells us that she has a hard exterior but does indeed possess a softer side. She's trying to learn that it's okay to show more life in her eyes. Sadly, she failed to pull through as the demons repeatedly deadened her eyes. She was booted for being too hard.
And then more Nicole bonus! Along with modeling potential, Nicole has a great passion for art. She nurtured this talent during the competition by painting a portrait of Ashley. The final product, which Nicole holds in a confession, is somewhat hilarious. Ashley has one eye and an apparently bloody mouth. Which, frankly, is better than she deserves. Nicole confessionalizes that painting is always there for her. When she's really into a painting, she has the same feeling as when she's modeling. She could do it for hours. Nicole tells Ashley not to get eliminated before the painting is finished. Ah, so maybe a second eye is planned.
And then there was dancing! The JabbaWockeez dance troupe actually took off their masks and showed the girls a few moves as they competed in teams of three for a challenge. They help Rae, Kara and Nicole count out their beats and do overlapping cartwheels. All three teams worked well together (except for, if I recall, the one that featured both Erin and Nicole), but what we didn't see was Brittany's misstep during rehearsal. She does a barefoot slide on the rug, and something punctures the sole of her very dirty foot. It's a toothpick! That is disgusting! She should get a rabies shot, for sure. Laura tells us that Brittany is always getting hurt, and one day will wake up with no skin on her body. Like Michelle the wrestler who had flesh-eating bacteria! Oh, those were the glory days. After the JabbaWockeez and the three model teams had their individual performances, they got the chance to dance together. Jennifer was loving it, and none of the girls got a toothpick in the foot. Success.
, the girls were whisked off to Las Vegas for a very special shoot on the set of Cirque du Soleil's latest freakshow. If you'll recall, a giant snail was involved. Since this was a group shot, the girls had to work twice as hard to stand out from the crowd. Ashley was stoic in her shot, and not only looked short but was lost in the background. That was her inner stank shining through. The judges agreed that Ashley didn't know how to integrate her dance background with modeling, and that her poses weren't dynamic enough in her photo shoots. She was booted, and tells us that whenever she sees her "sweet Nicole" again, she wants her to finish the portrait. I thought Ashley hated Nicole?
Sometime around week six of the competition, Kara had had it with the other girls' polite socializing. She confessionalizes that some of the other girls sit around and drink twelve cups of tea a day. Well, tea is awesome. They also sit around and talk about nothing all day. What else do they have to do? One day, Kara decided to mix things up. She created a game called "BAHM" out of Sundai's predilection for saying the word "bomb." There is a gameboard, and a scoring system, and cards with directives to challenge anyone to a blindfolded makeup challenge. This is, in fact, something of a dangerous enterprise. There are also pillowcase potato sack races, and a challenge to create a fashion in five minutes using only trashbags and tape. It does, in fact, look pretty fun. Kara ruins it all, however, by lazy-eye confessionalizing, "If I don't step up this week and get sent home, everyone else is going to have a lame-ass time living in this house." But Nicole and Sundai managed to find their own fun a well, with the confessional and a can of whipped cream. It's not as porny as you think, and Sundai tells us that it's proof that Nicole is secretly crazy. Secretly?
The photo shoot had the models getting in touch with their inner warriors as they posed in three fierce positions -- two of which were in the air! -- to create one fierce, weapon-filled action sequence. Kara seemed lackadaisical both in the air and on the ground, and brought forth little of the creative, athletic posing that the shoot called for. At panel, the judges decided that she hadn't pushed herself hard enough, or taken advantage of her very strong crazy-eyed look. She got the boot.
We take a commercial break and return to new footage! After so many weeks of togetherness, Rae's preoccupation with dental hygiene could no longer be ignored. Nicole interviews that one of the first things she noticed about Rae is that she's a very vigorous tooth-brusher. Oh, man, let me tell you that that is a recipe for receding gums, which in turn is a recipe for one of the most draconian surgeries you will ever experience in the form of a gum graft. Not to be old and weird, but seriously people. Get an electric toothbrush, and be very gentle. Rae is really committed to her toothbrush, says Nicole, and they have a relationship every night. Porn music plays as Rae reclines in bed with her toothbrush in her mouth. Laura says that Rae would brush her teeth all day if they didn't have to do challenges and photo shoots. She does acknowledge that Rae's teeth are very white and clean. Rae says that she brushes her teeth all the time, and doesn't understand people who don't. She doesn't know what's so fascinating about it. In fact, nothing is so fascinating about it. You can't tell me there's not some girl-on-girl action that was cut so we could get bonus footage of Rae brushing her teeth all day.
Diversity is key, particularly for a petite model. So Tyra sent the girls to a meeting with Lara Spender of The Insider to learn about the art of the interview. Lara told the girls that the number one fundamental of being a correspondent is the ability to think on your feet. Continuing with the bug motif, comedian Ant took on different annoying personas as the girls mock-interviewed him. Brittany makes a mistake as she says she wants to see Ant's movie (which means she hasn't actually seen it yet), but Sundai charms with her weird newscaster voice. Jennifer also gets props for thinking on her feet, even though she only manages to elicit one-word answers.
, the girls had to write their own scripts for a 25-second Cover Girl spot. Rae came off as cold and remote in her commercial. If her teeth were yellow, she might have been a bit more relatable. Nigel tells her that if they can't see the real her in the commercial read, she can't successfully be a Cover Girl. But it was bratty Erin who got on set and froze, and mangled take after take after take. She was unable to retain her composure, and so starts to cry. Erin tells us that she cries when she gets frustrated, and she was frustrated in the commercial shoot. She says she's not used to shooting commercials, and it would have been nice to have gotten more of a heads up about it. I think all the girls got the same heads up, which was Tyra Mail telling them to write a script the night before the shoot.
It turns out that this weep-fest was not an isolated incident. Never-before seen footage shows Erin crying in her feathery hat at the nude horse shoot; and Erin crying in the phone booth while telling someone (perhaps her mom who called me a douchebag!) that she's doing very well; and in multiple interviews. Erin confessionalizes that she doesn't really cry in her house, or at school, or in her real regular life. She tells the other girls that nobody other than her best friend has seen her cry, and that was after a breakup. Erin says that the other models are all privileged to bear witness to her waterworks. Sundai tells us that Erin is a little girl, and is always crying. She needs some more life experience before she can be a model. We then cut to a scene of Erin telling the other girls that she hates everything. She whips off her heels and says she doesn't want to walk, and isn't there to walk, and then storms out of the room as the other girls look on in amusement and annoyance.
At panel, BFFs Rae and Erin found themselves in the bottom two together. For all her sweetness and beauty, the panel felt that Rae was not exuding the warmth of a Cover Girl. She didn't have fun with her commercial shoot, and didn't stand out amongst her competitors. She got the boot.
When the final six girls returned home from panel, they discovered that their home had been condemned. Given all that bonus footage of the ants, this totally makes more sense. The girls were told by Tyra that they couldn't live there anymore, which was fine since they were going to the fashion capital of Hawaii. They settled into their Hawaiian home, but what we didn't see was some locals showing them scuba basics in their pool. Brittany, also known as Creepy Mermaid Girl, says that she's gone snorkling but never scuba diving. One of the scuba guys asks her to swim underwater to him and his big goggles. As she does her bandeau slips and she totally flashes him. That's what happens when you're possessed by demons.
And then the girls went surfing, and hoped to hang ten in high fashion for a photo shoot challenge. Jay told them to bring balance and poise to their photos. Erin and Nicole did a good Gidget impression, but Brittany had a hard time letting her mathematician side go and fell victim to the crime of overthinking. Brittany wants to let her younger side come out and show the immature idiot beneath her formulaic exterior. But at the panel, the judges agreed that Brittany couldn't find the balance between control and artistic expression. She was booted. And that whole blackface thing? Apparently it never happened.
After a commercial break, we catch up with Little Orphan Sundai in Hawaii. For Sundai, the best part of the multi-million dollar mansion that they lived in was not the pool and hot tub, nor the state of the art kitchen nor the fancy bathtub, nor the many majestic views. The best part for Sundai was... Roger the cat! Upon first glimpse Sundai repeatedly and excitedly yells, "Do we have a cat?!?" Erin, of course, says that if there's a cat she's going to scream. Roger is a black and white tuxedo cat with the cutest diamond shape spot on his nose. Sundai LOVES him. She squeezes him in the confessional and says this is pretty much the best thing ever. Sundai is my kind of crazy cat lady. The only thing that Sundai enjoyed more than Roger was Jennifer's deviled eggs. Oh, I love me some deviled eggs, too! Oh, wait, but not these deviled eggs. Jennifer yells out that there are bugs in the chili powder, and we see little red critters crawling all over the eggs. But Sundai doesn't care! She eats the eggs anyway, despite Erin's protestations that it's disgusting. Sundai says that if she dies tomorrow, no one will be eliminated at panel. Plus, extra protein! The hardscrabble life of an orphan makes you look the other way at these moments.
Supermodel Marisa Miller surprised the girls at their teach, and they were all totally starstruck. Marisa taught the girls how to be hot and not over the top as they posed in bikinis. Sundai said that it was like looking at a magazine, and doubted that any of the girls would be able to look as good as Marisa. And then, bonus drama! As time went on and the girls got fewer and crankier, they were ready to take the gloves off. There were accusations of bitchery, and liberal f-bombs. But what we never saw was Nicole's mean girl lesson, courtesy of Erin and Laura. Nicole asks the others to teach her to be more aggressive. Laura says, "Practice this. Shut the fuck up." Sweet little Laura! Nicole protests that she can't say the F word. Laura interviews that poor little Nicole is so innocent, and gives her a lesson in being stern and saying no. Erin interviews that Nicole is fun to mess around with, because she's rather socially inept. That little evil elf should talk. Erin tells Nicole to be sarcastic when she wants to be mean, and Nicole finally asks, "Do I have to be mean?" This is totally why she won.
At the photo shoot, the girls reached new depths as they shot underwater with renowned photographer Russell James. Despite the scuba lessons, some of the girls panicked when they hit the open seas. Laura has a serious fear of drowning, and so freaked out a few times and had to be brought to the surface. She tells Sundai that it really helps if you burp. Sundai wonders how the heck you burp underwater. And speaking of Sundai, she came up with a multitude of excuses to explain why her shoot was such a wash. She has asthma, she swallowed water, her ears hurt. Russell was not impressed, and neither was the panel. Sundai defeated herself with her excuses, and she was sent home. She really wanted to take Roger with her.
After ten weeks in the competition, most of the final four longed for one thing: boys. But not Nicole! A drunken, sunburned Laura says that she doesn't know what Nicole daydreams about if not boys. As Laura says this, there is a photo behind her on the wall that is presumably of her with her boyfriend. He literally has a red neck. Make of that what you will. Nicole replies that she thinks of other things, like bugs and art. Hmm. Erin calls Nicole an anomaly. She interviews that everybody knows things about sex, but somehow Nicole is the only person in the world who doesn't. And then we get a special presentation. It opens up with Laura on the farm saying, "Hi America. Every girl hates to go to their yearly doctor for that special something." I've never characterized a pap smear as a "special something," but okay. Laura puts on a giant plastic glove and continues, "Just be glad you're not a cow." It turns out we're watching "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (but Were Afraid to Ask Laura)." Laura sticks her hand in a cow's vajayjay and announces, "She's pregnant!" Back in Hawaii, she tells Nicole that sex is like when you mountain bike. You're sweating, and motions and hormones rush through your body, and then you get to the top and yell, "Yes! Yes!" Nicole interviews that the other girls try to talk to her about sex, but it's not something that she's thinking about. Laura tells Nicole that deep down inside we're all animals and want to mate. Nicole asks if they can play hide and seek.
But wait, there's more! Nicole wasn't interested in the other girls' sex ed lessons, and even turned down a chance to make out with Laura. But she was still interested in arm wrestling! That's totally rechanneled sexual frustration. Nicole wants to arm wrestle Laura, and Laura explains that she can wrestle a 100 pound calf to the ground. She will not take the challenge. So Nicole begs Jennifer, who has apparently beaten every girl in the house at arm wrestling, to give her another go. The two head into battle. Nicole loses as Erin snots, "Nice facial expression, Nicole."
The final four arrived for their photo shoot, and learned that there would be a double elimination. The pressure was on for the remaining girls to channel their inner goddesses and remain in the competition. Erin started off flat before striking the right balance of powerful and pretty. But Jennifer's attempt to bring forth the goddess within failed to enlighten both Mr. Jay and the photographer. In the end, Jennifer's body of work was not enough to save her. She was booted. And although Erin delivered a great shot, the judges weren't convinced that she had top model character. She got the boot, too.
Before Laura and Nicole could stomp to the death in the final runway show, they had to survive a Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot. The photo shoot, with Nigel behind the lens, was easy and breezy. The commercial, however, was a hot mess. We see Nicole go through 22 takes, which appears to be about double that of Laura. The final runway show was inspired by the elements that formed the Hawaiian island: fire, wind and water. Nicole reminded us that she's the nerdy awkward girl. Laura reminded us that she's poor. Only one girl could win, and Tyra tells us that it was a particularly tough decision since both girls are beautiful inside and out. And yet, Nicole was the clear winner. Tyra says that Nicole is not just a fabulous petite model -- she has the goods to make it as a top model anywhere in the world. And with that, Tyra once again congratulates herself on the shorty season, and we're out. We now must look ahead and wonder what unviable models Cycle 14 will bring us.
Potes thanks you all for reading and wishes you a happy holiday season! You can email her at potesypotes@gmail.com.