Last week: a shocking elimination saw Lauren Brie packing her bags. But, in case you've forgotten, there have been many other surprises this season as well! Hot air balloons, mid-episode eliminations, chicks with dicks. And if you can believe it, there's even more that we've not seen! So Tyra is about to show it to us. It's the annual clip show, bitches!
We begin at semi-finals, where 33 fame-seeking young lasses were taken to a top secret facility and met by Alpha Jay and Beta J. in their silver lamé track suits...of the future! Alpha and Beta stood by a giant glass rainbow pride pyramid, or else we finally saw the manifestation of their collective auras. And then, new clip! The girls go to the Facial Modulation Station, where they have to mimic the facial expressions Tyra is making in various photos. Expressions such as "flirty," "oops," and "joyful." I never before classified "oops" as an expression, but clearly that's my 21st century linguistic palette limiting me. Marjorie, as one might suspect, has trouble making "joyful" believable. The girls head to the Modification Movement Cubes. Each time a strobe light flashes, the girls must morph into a new pose and/or have a stroke. Sheena gets into the Cube and, as she explains, a bit of kung fu comes out, as well as a bit of Kama Sutra. That girl just feels more comfortable on her back with her legs up in the air. Ain't no thing. Miss J. has to clutch his pearls.
At the interviews in front of the judges, some girls focused on their entrance. Remember how Sharaun came in screaming and saying she was born to be America's Top Model? Me either! Those early losers vanish from my brain at the end of their last episode, just like they vanish from the group photo. Other girls shared tales of where they'd been. And - joy - we get to hear the whole story of Hannah being chased by a moose. When she was younger she had a paper route, to which she's doubtless returned since this modeling thing didn't exactly work out. It's a tough economy, yo. On her paper route, a moose stared her down. And then, I guess, chased her. Excitement! I think Hannah is a plant from Sarah Palin to show that moose (Mooses? Meese?) are children-eaters and actually deserve to be shot. Marjorie is, of course, a bundle of nerves from the beginning. However, her awkwardness was charming. She interviews that you get a rush when you're in front of such beautiful people. No, Marjorie, you're just breathing in a whiff of Tyra's new fragrance, "Kiss My Fat Ass," the scent for people who want others to want them...just as they are.
Then there's Isis, who possessed a strength and beauty that could not be categorized. Isis tells us that she was born in the wrong body - specifically, a body that had a penis. Isis charmed the panel, but the other girls were a harder sell. The girls grilled Isis about her sex/gender status, and some appear shocked. Sharaun tells us that she's not worried about Isis as competition, because a transvestite, as she calls her, is not a role model for America. Isis told the others that she would "take care of it" if called upon to do a nude scene, and also interviewed that she wasn't going to let the other bitches get her down. And if she did she could just call her godfather Tremaine. I can't believe Oprah hasn't tapped him to be her big spiritual advisor.
Tyra selected the final fourteen and we were off to L.A. They arrived in style, but - new clip! -- needed to find a key before they moved into their new house. We see the Jays arrive on a rooftop and point the girls in the direction of fourteen spangly clutches. One clutch contains the key to the house. The girl who chooses the clutch with the key inside will get her final choice of bed, even if the bed has already been chosen by someone else. And there are only thirteen beds for fourteen bitches. They love to do this, I think because thirteen is traditionally an unlucky number and the show wants to do as much as possible to ensure that the house is in some way cursed. There are broken mirrors all around and ladders above every door. There is a mad clutch for the clutches, and Nikeysha - 'member her? - gets the key. At the house there's a mad dash for beds. I knew it! We were originally shown none of this, but I knew these girls did not just get there and calmly draw straws. Hannah tells us that the house is gorgeous, and people in Alaska do not have spreads like this place. Does she mean bedspreads? I assume they have bedspreads made of moose pelt. As it happens, Samantha is the one who ends up without a bed. However, born with an inordinate amount of pluck, this does not deter her. She grabs what appears to be a large dog bed, along with some pillows and a blanket, and plops down in the middle of one of the girls' rooms. Oh, just sleep on the couch.
Soon after, the girls headed off to L.A.'s infamous Magic Castle, where they were treated to a show by Ed Alonzo, the Misfit of Magic. What we didn't see was Joslyn getting in on the act. Magician's assistant is certainly a good career choice for her. She's excited that Ed picked her, and assumes the other bitches will be mad. Ed borrows one of Joslyn's shoes and then makes it disappear, until it falls out of his jacket. Hilarious! Now smash a watermelon! The big surprise, however, was the appearance of Nigel, Paulina and the Jays. The girls got to spend some one on one time with them. Sharaun annoys everyone. Nigel thought that Isis was the only one who really knew her stuff because she spouted off some wisdom about never losing the light. Jay asks Hannah what she would do to make sure that the judges always remember her. She's like, "Duh, be memorable!" Jay brings up the moose, and Hannah says she doesn't want to be remembered as the moose girl. Given what would happen an episode or two later, Hannah WISHES she could have been remembered as the moose girl. It's so much more pleasant than "the racist one who got kicked off in a surprise mid-episode elimination."
The first photo shoot contained "politically important themes" relevant to this year's election. I do think the "Voting Is Sexy" campaign has hurt John McCain in the polls. Elina had no problem portraying her theme of "foreign policy" in a provocative manner. She interviews that she really wants to be an actress. Oh, great. Marjorie, an immigrant herself, portrays immigrants as sexy hunchbacks to great praise. Others, however, had some trouble. Sharaun doesn't know how to work homeland security and Nikeysha proves to us that no one's eager to clone her for a reason. Sharaun's overconfident swagger at the Magic Castle comes back to haunt her, along with her lackluster photo. She is the first booted.
We catch up with the girls on the ride home from the first panel, during a passionate and never before seen argument between Sheena and Elina. The focus is animal rights. Oh yeah, remember how Elina's thing was that she was a radical warrior for animals before her thing was that was a control freak who hates her mom? Anyway, Elina wonders why anyone would want to put a dead body in their mouth and exclaims that it's disgusting. Sheena argues that it's all part of the chain of life and that in fact when we die we become souls and animals feed on us. Yeah, like that time the moose almost killed Hannah and ate her. Elina interviews that she's dedicated her life to being an animal liberation activist. Or, a model slash actress. She's had some heated spats with Sheena because she's opinionated about her activism, and, as we all suspected, Sheena likes meat. Elina points out that Sheena would not eat her cat, but would eat a bird. Sheena notes that vegetables and plants are alive also. Elina says that's the stupidest thing she's ever heard. And the thing you need to know about Sheena is that some of her lines of thinking are specious, but she will wave her finger in your face and wear you down.
Sheena respects the fact that Elina wants to respect every single aspect of life, which, she says, means that Elina has to show Sheena the same amount of respect. Elina stares dead-eyed, as she is wont to do. Sheena interviews that she respects the fact that Elina is a vegetarian, but Elina does not need to come at her disrespectfully. It's true. Unless Sheena is constantly chomping on a chicken leg right in front of her, I think Elina needs to chill out. Back in the limo, Sheena tells the others that in the future humans are going to merge with technology and then we're going to become cyborgs. I guess we're going to become meat-eating cyborgs, because a disgusted Elina gets up and moves. She interviews that Sheena talks a lot and says a lot of nothing. But her junk is shaking around all the while so no one even notices.
Back at the house we see another heated exchange in the hot tub as some girls battled with their rhymes. Oh yeah, it's a rap-off, bitches! Nikeysha spouts some rhymes about the girl who gets eliminated before makeovers needing to deal with it. The irony! The real star of this show, however, is Sam with her mad beatboxing skills! Who knew? Nikeysha interviews that she and Sam aren't Jay-Z and Biggie, but they can lay it down when called upon to do so.
Then there's an out and out war between Isis and Brittany. It's all pillow fighting in rompers from the Victoria's Secret Pink Collection until someone takes things a little too far. Apparently Isis just likes to play and play, and sometimes Brittany wants to have some damn peace and quiet. Isis throws baby powder all over Brittany. If it had been anyone else, Brittany would have beat them down, but since Isis is like her older sister, Brittany refrains. Isis tells us that that she and Brittany have formed a real bond. They sit together on a chair, and Brittany says all she can smell is baby powder. Isis tells her that's better than what she smelled like before and Brittany cracks her on the head.
Then there's McKey. A strong competitor with a unique look, she was misunderstood by some of the girls early in the competition. The girls all sit around and Brittany says that McKey bothers her. Sheena seems surprised. They confront McKey as she passes through the room. Someone says that McKey seems shy, while Sheena adds that they've seen different aspects of her personality but just can't put it all together. McKey says that she works out all the time and wears sweatpants to school every day. She thinks "girly" is the worst insult anyone could give her. Brittany doesn't understand why McKey would then want to be a model, and McKey retorts that models don't have to be girly. Brittany says that McKey is always labeling herself as weird or a tomboy or whatever, which is annoying. Brittany mimics McKey beating up on a pillow and asks what that's about. McKey interviews that she felt attacked, which she did not enjoy. She soon adopted a new motto - "the way to a top model's heart is through her stomach." Unless we're talking Elina, I'm guessing, since McKey is cooking a big slab of meat. McKey makes soup for everyone in the house. Lauren Brie thinks it's a slick strategy, as McKey is making everyone fat. Or poisoning them slash slipping them laxatives or hallucinogenic drugs, in which case she would be my hero. McKey says that she just likes to do nice things for people. Clark is convinced that she's sucking up and, while she'll eat McKey's food, she says the act is getting old and they can see straight through it.
The girls then get "carried away" at a photo shoot that had them dangling from a rope ladder that was at one point attached to a hot air balloon. Sadly, no one drifted off to Oz only to be ripped to shreds by winged monkeys. Lauren Brie was awesome, and dully interviews that Mr. Jay told her she nailed it within the first five frames. Nikeysha and Isis, meanwhile, were lackluster and lacked elegance, respectively. But Nikeysha's poor photos and big mouth did her in, and she was sent home.
After Nikeysha's elimination, the girls returned home to find freakin' Tyra (TM Samantha) in their living room. Tyra tells them of how she hit puberty in her 20s, and how her mother rewarded her with pizza, and how they decided that she would thus be known worldwide for her uncanny ability to parade around in her skivvies. And then bonus! We didn't see the conversation that Tyra had with the girls after she told her story. As she scarfs pizza, she takes questions from the girls. Hannah asks for a lesson in smiling with your eyes. Tyra demonstrates by saying, "This is not smiling with your eyes," not smiling with her eyes, and then saying, "And this is smiling with your eyes," smiling with her eyes. Got it? Brittany then asks how you, like, look pretty and sexy without looking...pretty. Tyra tells Brittany that she needs to learn how to do the ugly-pretty face. She demonstrates ugly-ugly, versus pretty-ugly. And then there's lots of ugly-ugly as evil witch Miss J. feeds Tyra a poison apple and gets to decide all the makeovers himself. We get a little Witch J. in the mirror at the bottom of the screen. He looks exactly like Grace Jones as he promises the girls he will give them rats' nests for hair and snakes for weaves. Try something we didn't see in Cycles 1-10, O Evil One. Good Fierce Witch Tyra with her white eyes bumps him out of the way and tells us that every young girl deserves to be pretty. Or ugly-pretty, as the mood strikes her. In any case, we all lived through this witch thing once, and it seems almost too cruel to subject us to it again. Maybe it's a collective PTSD flashback?
This round of makeovers apparently brought record tears! Who knew? We see Elina crying, of course, along with some tears from Sam and McKey and Brittany. But what no one knew was how Sheena struggled that day. Sheena gets highlights, and tells the stylist that she just hopes her hair doesn't fall off. You wouldn't think that was a self-fulfilling prophesy, but, as Tyra says, no one could have predicted the unusual reaction Sheena's hair had to the color. Sheena screams out in pain, and she interviews that she felt a burn. The stylists rinsed her hair and brushed it out, and then she saw a big ole' clump of her own hair in the sink. A whole chunk of her hair fell out in the back, enough to give Miss J. a look of alarm. And that bitch has seen it all. Stylist Kiyah Wright tells Sheena that they're not going to go quite as light. They're going to improvise. With hair extensions. Sheena loves it. She got through the whole thing without crying, despite the fact that her head was burned and she lost a big chunk of hair. Now that is top model material.
Elina had the most dramatic makeover of the day, and the most dramatic reaction to it. Once she got home, her hair took on a life of its own. In the confessional, Elina introduces us to the cat on her head named Sherry. Well, she loves animals, so it's only appropriate. Hannah interviews that Sherry is very difficult to take care of and very irritating to Elina because she's so heavy. Joslyn tells us that when she lays down it really does look like a cat's laying on her head. She should count herself lucky, because there's nothing more soothing than a pussy purring in your ear.
Eager to flaunt their new looks, the girls got the rare opportunity to take a break from the competition and enjoy a night out in Hollywood. Beer in the weave! Beer in the weave! The girls end up at Red Pearl restaurant where they eat a five course Chinese dinner. They claim that they are going to relax and appreciate one another. And, as Lauren Brie says, to dayyyence and have fun. And guess who can shake her ass like the finest video ho you've ever seen? Yes, it is Sheena! Brittany tells us that Sheena is just downright nasty. All she wants to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom. Is that a crime? Brittany and Isis mock her in the confessional and call her a loser. But Sheena, as most girls do, just wants to have fun. If Brittany wants to jump-start her career as a trophy wife, she'd do well to take some tips.
, the girls bared all in a sexy swimwear shoot with photographer Russell James and supermodel slash designer Susan Holmes. Elina worked it out, but Analeigh and Brittany struggled. Brittany, although very pretty, had not improved as a model throughout the competition, and her wasted potential got her sent home. Brittany cried and said that she deserved this career as much or more than the other anorexic coked up bitches vying for a spot on the runway.
After several weeks of living together, the girls discovered each others' quirks. In Hannah's case, her "quirks" manifested themselves in a little something she liked to call Alaska Pixie Dust. Isn't that what Kate Moss calls it, too? Hannah shakes a sugar container of Alaska Pixie Dust into an envelope she is mailing, as the other girls note that they saw some powder stuff on the side of her bed. They wonder, as one would wonder, "What is that crap?" Lauren notes that it's creepy, and wonders what kind of weirdo would bring that with them. Isis wonders if maybe Hannah writes in glue, then throws Pixie Dust on it. Sam interviews that she doesn't know what the hell Hannah's Alaska Pixie Dust is, but maybe she's just supporting her state...of ice. McKey, in a scary serial killer / monster voice, threatens to throw Alaska Pixie Dust on some of the other girls. They are terrified. It could be powdered acid, after all, or a gift from her late scientist uncle, Bruce Ivins. Hannah, meanwhile, explains to us that Alaska Pixie Dust is something that her mom made for her. It protects her from mean girls, and it protects her from getting her feelings hurt. Wow. I guess now we know which side Hannah got her "specialness" from. Hannah clarifies for us that Alaska Pixie Dust would definitely not work for everyone. You have to a) be from Alaska; b) have a cool slash somewhat insane mom; and c) there is no c. Basically, you have to be Hannah. That is a fate that's not even worth a whole tub of Pixie Dust, so I think Hannah has the corner on this market.
the girls had a runway show with designer Jeremy Scott that was full of surprises! They first learned that they would be blindfolded. And because it had been officially deemed time to get serious and ramp up the competition, one girl would be eliminated immediately after the challenge. No Pixie Dust would save her this time. Errr, spoiler. McKey walked in a dress with a curtain rod attached and lied that she felt amazing. Meanwhile, Jeremy Scott told Sam a hundred times not to raise her dress like a tramp at the end of the runway. It was all for naught, however, as she displayed her opaque-tight-clad bits for all the world to see. And Hannah just looked like a retard. She got the boot, in part so that Jeremy Scott could lambaste Sam over and over again at panel. Hannah exit-interviewed that she had walked her best walk, and if it was that bad, then she can never get worse. I think that's the Pixie Dust talking. Hannah's excited to see her mom and dad, who are proud of her even though she's going to be all wacky on the Dust when they see her . She learned it by watching them!
And then more bonus footage! Some of the girls decided to size up who was left in the competition. McKey and Marjorie agreed that they loved Isis, who they thought was very sweet. Elina, however, noted that she didn't think Isis looked like a model. In the confessional she elaborated: "I think she looks like a possessed hyena." Not only does Isis not look like a model, says Elina, she actually looks like a dragon. A dragon that Elina would not, for the record, eat grilled with a side of turnip greens. Isis is not tall enough and doesn't have the face for it, says Elina to the other girls. Again, she saves her more raw feelings for the confessional, saying that sometimes if you dump a bucket of makeup on Isis and cover half her face with her hair she might look like a model, as long as she stands still. I am trying to figure out if this rant is related to Elina's mommy issues, or if she's just a bitch. I'm leaning toward the latter. Marjorie interviews that there's an inherent arrogance about Elina. She adds that Elina really wants to be taken seriously, just like every other teenager on the planet. It really is easy to forget that everyone's, like, 18, isn't it?
The shoot had panel's very own Nigel Barker photographing the girls as they were submerged in the pool. Some girls struggled to find a pose, while Joslyn struggled not to drown. It's evident to Nigel that she can't swim, and he tells her to keep it together. Joslyn is bummed that she couldn't give the sparkle she shows on land. Isis, meanwhile, was worried that the three pairs of undergarments she was wearing to cover her dragon-bits would malfunction and reveal her candle on the water. Mr. Jay realizes this. Still, her performance was poor. Isis confessionalizes that she's been going to the shoots nervous and not really giving her all. Meanwhile, Clark dazzled Nigel with her gaze and her hot-to-trot flirting. Although Sam had a dynamic shoot, she landed in the bottom two because of the whole runway incident. You all remember how it went down with mullet-bags. But it was Isis who failed to live up to her potential and was sent home. Isis confessionalizes her thanks to the judges for seeing something in her, and seems proud that she was able to break a barrier in being on the show. She's ready to model, and prays that everything will fall into place for her.
Oooh! And then it's Top Models in Action! Do you remember Nicole, who won Cycle 5? She's modeled some. And she's the new face of Sketchers shoes!
As you may remember, America's Top Model cares about the environment, which is totally the only reason why some of the girls bathe together. Clark, Sam and Lauren Brie cavort in a tub of bubbles. They are all happy that they're learning and growing together and bonding. They blow bubbles and splash around in their girlish innocence, with the help of a little slow-mo action. And then one night an uninvited guest dropped in the Top Model house. It was a bee! Did you know that bees are blind? McKey doesn't want to kill the bee or, if it must be killed, she would like the murder to take place in a humane manner. Looks like Elina's been rubbing off on someone! But not Clark, who tries to asphyxiate the bee with a can of Aqua Net. McKey grabs the hairspray away from Clark, but the damage has already been done. The bee has fallen to the floor, gasping for his last breaths of air. McKey takes him outside and dabs water all around him as the other girls laugh at her. She confessionalizes that all serial killers start by killing small. She's just saying.
For that week's photo shoot, the girls portrayed giants depicting natural disasters of California. Just go with it. Sam and McKey do a good job, but Joslyn and Clark can't get their giant on. Clark refuses to come alive for Mr. Jay and, despite the judges' worry that Joslyn was backsliding, Clark gets booted back to her southern home. She exit-interviews that she was robbed, and could have taken it so much farther. But she was proud of herself and grateful for the opportunity. Oh! And then remember how the most interesting thing about Clark was that Elina had a crush on her? Well, Elina could not be consoled after Clark was eliminated. Elina confessionalizes that she can't believe beautiful, tall, thin Clark was sent home. Clark looks like a model, says Elina, while Joslyn looks like a hair show model at the Middle of Nowhere Mall. Elina exclaims that her girlfriend went home today, and that she does not want to think about this. I do not want to think about Elina's future therapy bills. Oy.
Meanwhile, there were OTHER strong attachments in the house. Some girls got close. VERY close. Lez be friends close? Let's find out! Marjorie and Analeigh apparently liked to play pattycake and take naked baths together and hug and kiss all the time, as nervous, sexually ambiguous teenagers do. Sam wants to remind them that it's a competition and they need to get a grip. Oh, let young love blossom! They are desert hearts!
Tyra tells us that the competition is very stressful, so most girls use their downtime for much needed rest and relaxation. Or canoodling with their new lesbian paramours. But not McKey! She punches things. Her boyfriend put together a training regimen for her that involves doing grapevines around the pool and crawling backwards on her hands. She's dedicated to maintaining her body, which is admirable if a little weirdly manifested.
Finally, the girls had their Fiercee Award photo shoot. Marjorie and Analeigh let their lesbian love inspire a new type of greatness, while Lauren Brie was stiff and uninspired. And also, she's dull as dirt. She was sent home. She cried that going home sucks, but she loves her dull self and doesn't want to change.
Seven girls remain! Marjorie, the awkward yet incredibly photogenic girl who hails from France. Sheena, the sassy and sexy girl from Harlem, New York. Elina, the stoic stunner from Seattle. Samantha, the spunky and fun-loving girl from Woodland Hills, California. Analeigh, the pretty and peace-loving girl from Sacramento. Joslyn, the sweetheart with the unmistakable voice from Lucky, Louisiana. And McKey, the statuesque beauty from Lake Forest, Illinois. And one of them will be America's Top Model!
Coming up: Commercials, bitches! And the Top Model house erupts. Sadly, this is probably not because it was built on a volcano. Cross your fingers, though.
Potes loves to read mail while high on Pixie Dust. You can reach her at potesypotes@gmail.com.
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