We begin our episode with a little context: most of the girls think that Analeigh is not competition, Lauren Brie has no personality, and Elina’s control issues come from her Russian mother. Once this is summed up for us, it’s time for a teach-slash-challenge with Tyra! She hand-delivers the Tyra Mail, and is going to teach the girls all about signature poses. Everyone gets 20 shots -- they take ten, then get a critique from Tyra, then do another ten. Each girl has a Tyra-influenced signature aspect of her posing, which all starts rather innocuously with McKey’s signature neck and Sam’s signature hand usage. Before we know it, however, Sheena is a vaguely ethnic dancer and Elina is the top model of the world. But it’s Marjorie’s self-generated "Hunchback of Notre Dame" signature that most impresses Tyra, and she wins some major bling.
The photo shoot for the week features embarrassing moments at the Fiercee Awards. Yes, awards season is really in full swing now! Sam is a mixed bag as a starlet who can’t read her cue cards, Lauren Brie is mannequin-esque as she trips and falls en route to accepting an award, McKey believes she’s going to win but loses and looks pretty good all the while, Analeigh lets out her fiercely bitchy side as an interviewer with attitude, and Joslyn has to prettily deal with another starlet wearing the same gown. Elina is forced into a photo shoot-slash-therapy session when her role as an award-winner who can’t stop crying requires real tears. She learns to let go a little, and maybe will try some bacon or something now. And Marjorie, of course, is the Hunchback of Notre Dame in a turban who has to pee but can’t get out of her gown. How could she not have the best photo of the week? Boring Lauren Brie and mediocre Sheena wind up in the bottom two. In the end, the cheese stands alone as Sheena is granted a photo and Lauren Brie heads home.
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Previously on ANTM: Okay, this is hilarious. Tyra voices over, "Marjorie's lack of confidence hurt her in the challenge," despite the fact that Paulina totally made a big point out of the fact that Marjorie is not confidence-impaired, but rather European. Something tells me the rotating supermodel guest seat on the panel will have a new skinny ass in it season. Clark finally got the boot in a 60's mod giant natural disaster themed shoot. Yeah, you heard me right. Eight bitches remain!
We enter the Top Model kitchen, where Sam makes pancakes and McKey makes salad. Sam mentions that her dad is super strict, and that children of parents who are super strict turn out frickin' crazy. Maybe this explains the hiking of the dress on the runway? Elina jumps in to say that her mom has controlled her her whole life, which is the genesis of all her control issues. She says that she wants to control everything because for such a long time she couldn't control anything. She's got her own mind. She wants to make her own decisions. When it has to do with her life, she wants to be the one in control. Elina interviews that her mom is very conservative and controlling and Russian. Elina moved to the U.S. from the Ukraine when she was 8. She wasn't allowed to express her emotions, because you just don't do that in Europe. Do we need to, like, send Oprah on some sort of European tour to get these emotionally dead people to get in touch with their feelings? Does Dr. Phil need to do group therapy with the whole continent? Elina says that her mom never let her do anything, and that during her whole life she's only ever had one friend. Okay, in all fairness that might not be her mom's fault entirely.
Lauren Brie, meanwhile, interviews with absolutely no expression that last week the judges told her to let her personality shine through. She's very confused, and is worried that she might go home. Sheena tells us that Lauren Brie is a very smart girl, but not a very exciting girl. Basically, Lauren Brie is doomed. We cut to the girls sunning themselves on the lawn, and get a close up of Elina's stomach tattoo which reads, "A voice for those who can't speak." Her oppressive Russian mother sure didn't stop her from getting all inked up, did she? Elina asks the others if they think Analeigh will be a successful international model. Lauren Brie doesn't think so. Elina doesn't either because, she says, Analeigh doesn't look like a model. Analeigh comes out and asks the others if they see her as competition. They pretend not to have heard her, and so Marjorie rephrases the question in a clearer manner. Analeigh tells Marjorie not to make them answer. She knows what's what, yo. Elina tells Analeigh that she's a very pretty girl, but doesn't look like a model. I guess she's giving a voice for those who can't speak other than behind peoples' backs. Analeigh sucks on a lollipop contemplatively. She confessionalizes that McKey and Elina have amazing faces, Marjorie is a natural model, and Lauren Brie can't take a bad picture. And then there's Maude. Analeigh is frustrated because she can't find her niche.
The girls head off on their bus and wonder what surprising, horrible fate awaits them. They enter a photo studio with all sorts of lovely clothes hanging, and see Tyra Mail. But there's no text. And that's because this is a Tyra Mail special delivery by Miss Tyra herself! And you know, I appreciate Tyra's right to eat ribs and be whatever size she pleases, but that bitch needs to stop with the coochie-grazing skirts. Tyra reads her mail aloud: "Neither rain nor sleet nor my achy, achy feet will keep you from your Tyra Mail this week. It's time you learn your signature style so you'll be a fierce top model [snap] child. I'll show you my tricks, but let's be frank...you'll be thanking Miss Tyra when you're making big bank. Love, Tyra." It's a dramatic reading on par with anything ever attempted by the late Sir Laurence Olivier. Tyra scurries out the door and the girls see another note waiting for them. It says, "Go get dressed and change into your black dresses and heels..." Those ellipses at the end read ominously, don't they? Like what follows is an unspoken, "Tyra's going to slather you in BBQ and make you her meal."
After the girls change into their identical black dresses they walk on set to see Tyra being shot by Jim de Yonker. She holds a leg up in the air and Sheena says, "So that's how she do it...that's how she gets all them shots." The final product is airbrushed to this side of Mars. Tyra welcomes the girls to her photo shoot, then asks them if they recall Top Model's emphasis on girls having a signature walk. Wait, I thought everyone bitch slapped Camille for the whole signature walk thing? It's the infamous Top Model consistency in advice! In any case, Tyra says that the signature walk is Miss J.'s territory. Her territory, you will be pleased to know, is the signature pose. Tyra tells us that Gisele is famous for looking like she has scoliosis. Not to be outdone, Tyra's signature is, of course, her eyes. Yeah, if Tyra is known for two things it's totally her eyes. The girls today will be doing a twenty-picture shoot. Tyra's going to let them go freestyle for the first ten photos, and then they'll get to look at the monitor and see what they've done. At that point, Tyra will also coach them and send them off to do their last ten frames with all sorts of newfound knowledge. Analeigh tells us that any young model would kill to have twenty frames and a critique with Tyra.
Analeigh is up first. Tyra asks what her signature is, and Analeigh says that it's Ice Castles. She's a skater, and so does a lot with her legs. I thought her signature was not living up to her potential. Even though she said she'd be quiet during the first ten frames, Tyra can't help herself and shouts out that some of Analeigh's poses are too literal. Lauren Brie interviews that she sees Analeigh as an average girl trying to force something. The more I hear Lauren Brie speak, the more I'm convinced that the big ole forehead conceals a whole lot of empty space. Tyra critiques Analeigh by saying that she lost her shoe and had tight lips. It's advice sure to turn Analeigh into the best model ever. Before Analeigh starts her final ten frames, Tyra asks what kind of skater she is. Turns out she's a rebel skater. I love when the girls have to pull out nonsensical shit in response to Tyra's stupid questions. Sadly for Analeigh she's still too literal and Tyra gives her a seven.
McKey is . Her signature is an over the shoulder pose. Tyra advises her to work the curve of the neck, then tells her to make like she just got punched. Suddenly, McKey's signature pose is "boxer." But, like, boxer with a swan-like neck. Tyra tells us that McKey did really well, once she straightened her out. Then we have Sam, whose hands are her signature pose. Hilariously the caption reads, "Signature pose: 'her hands.'" Elina interviews that Sam has a good face, but it's probably not strong enough to keep her in the competition. Tyra advises Sam not to think about the hands too much, other than as an extension of herself. An extension that's attached to her wrists, in fact. In her final shot Sam's hands look like giant lobster claws coming to avenge their people, so long boiled alive in a stock pot.
Lauren Brie's signature is "awkward." This basically means that she turns her feet in a lot. Lauren Brie interviews that it was difficult to come up with a signature pose because there's nothing really unique about her modeling yet. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that she looks bored, and in one shot she looks like an amputee. An amputee about to pleasure herself, I might add. In an interview, Sheena underscores the fact that Lauren Brie is bland. I don't know, "masturbating amputee" seems pretty unique and compelling to me. Before her final ten frames, Tyra tells Lauren Brie that her signature is "surfer dope chick." Tyra says that Lauren Brie's poses were pretty but empty. Tyra wants Lauren Brie to fill it with something. Maybe she could borrow some of what Tyra's full of. In the confessional Lauren cries because she's been pushed into the "personality, or lack thereof" slot. We head to commercials.
When we return, Sheena tells Tyra that her signature pose is diva-ness, minus the hooch. But the hooch shines from within. The girl just can't help it. Tyra gives her boobs a firm pat to prove that she has them too, and that if you hunch your back a bit they look smaller. Stripper music plays while Sheena is posing. Sam tells us that when she thinks of Sheena she thinks of boobs and butt flying around everywhere. If she's walking past you sometimes you have to duck to avoid getting a concussion. Tyra looks at Sheena's film and tells her that her signature is "cultural dance." Sheena apparently is usually thinking about cultural dances, so this is perfect. Do you think "cultural dances" include dances reminiscent of Culture Club, where you just kind of sway back and forth and snap? Will Sheena tumble 4 us? Tyra tells Sheena how to do an African dance because, as we have seen with the "cultural dance" moniker, Tyra knows a lot about culture.
Joslyn is . She tells Tyra that she likes to pose kind of wide. Tyra Banks is not having it. She tells Joslyn that she gets a little stiff when she poses, and adds that she's stronger in profile than she is head-on. Thus, Joslyn's signature pose becomes "profile." Tyra tells us that there are all sorts of things you can do to be sexy from the side, such as waving your hands in the air like you just don't care. Then we have Elina. Poor Elina doesn't even get to choose her own signature pose. Before she can say anything Tyra tells her that she wants to be the "top model of the world." If Tyra weren't so straight-laced I would theorize that she's on drugs. Maybe her problem is that she needs some drugs. I mean, even a shot of Robitussin, you know? Elina's first ten shots look too catalogue, so Tyra tells her to make some shapes and exaggerate them. Elina is - surprise! - too controlled, and Tyra says that she hasn't yet realized that the magic will happen when she lets go.
is Marjorie. She has a clear vision for her signature pose: the hunchback of Notre Dame. Stick an accent aigu on it and call it a day. It's brilliant. Tyra yells out things like, "A hump on the back!" and "Beautiful spirit but nobody knows!" and "Bong! Bong! Bong!" Marjorie's back is a bit too hunched, and she's losing her neck. In her final ten frames, however, her hump is fiercer and fiercer. It's like the Hunchback himself is working the runway for Zac Posen. Tyra loves it. She says that Marjorie played into her weaknesses - her awkwardness and nerves - and wrapped it with a hunchy bow and made it beautiful.
Tyra reveals to the girls that this was a challenge, and that the winner and a friend will win some diamonds. I love how Tyra doesn't even bother to learn the names of her sponsors anymore. She gets down to business and announces Marjorie to be the winner. Marjorie picks Analeigh to share her prize, and Lauren Brie snarks that the two of them are like "the little couple of the house." But not with any action or I'm assuming we would have seen it. Tyra bids the girls adieu, and Marjorie and Analeigh head to Rafinity to pick out some jewels. Ann Mangini, the owner of Rafinity -- who should be glad she grew up before the term "mangina" was invented -- welcomes Marjorie and Analeigh and says that they each get to pick out one piece of gold and diamond jewelry. But not the $200,000 piece. Analeigh picks a big diamond peace sign to replace the big nickel peace sign she got from Claire's. Marjorie, always true to type, picks a diamond square. Too bad there wasn't a little diamond frowny face.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. "You better bring it, or you're never going to work in this town again. Love, Tyra." If they're lucky they'll never work in L.A. again. Sam reminds us that she was called first last week, and says that Tyra expects a lot of her, and so she can't let Tyra down. I love how she thinks that Tyra gives a rat. The girls head to the Orpheum theater, where the marquee reads, "Night at the Fiercees." Sheena tells us that the theater is the most incredible place she's ever seen, and that whatever they're about to do is going to be off the hizzle. When she Snoop-speaks, it's as if she's doing a cultural dance...of words. The girls sit in the audience, and an announcer introduces Jay Manuel. The curtain on the stage opens to reveal Jay, wearing an ascot. He tells the girls that the theater will serve as the backdrop for today's photo shoot. Mike Rosenthal will be the photographer, and some of the girls will get to pose with hot male models. Jay reminds us all that Tyra created "The Fiercee Awards," which aired on her talk show. Of course she did. He adds that any awards show has unscripted moments - some of them you see, and some you don't. So each girl will have an embarrassing moment to act out. Haven't they been acting out their embarrassing moment for six weeks now?
Marjorie is up first. She is wearing a turban. Do I need to tell you any more? She is nervous that her acting skills aren't top notch. When in doubt, accentuate the turban. Marjorie is posing as a star who has to pee but can't get out of her dress. Or, rather, a hunchback in a turban who has to pee but can't get out of her dress. As it happens, Marjorie is rather brilliant. Jay gives all the credit to Tyra, as he is contractually obligated to do. Samantha is . She is posing as a starlet who is trying to read cue cards, but a bright light is shining in her eyes. Sam tries on all sorts of strange vaguely European accents. She starts off rough, but eventually gives a couple of good shots. Elina is assigned the role of an overemotional actress who can't stop crying. She is of course terrified that she might have to show an emotion other than mother-hating. Jay notes that Elina has one fake tear rolling down her face, but today he wants real tears. If she starts I'm kind of afraid that she'll flood the theater. Elina interviews that she needs to lose control, and as such this might be her last shoot. Commercials.
Oh, and it's Whitney's My Life As A Cover Girl. An average day for Whitney involves...wait, trick question! Now that she's a cover girl, there are no average days. Blah blah Outlast blah.
When we return, Jay asks Elina to let go. He would hate for the judges to say that Elina is beautiful and takes great pictures but is consistently controlled. Well, they've been saying it from day one so deal. Therapist Jay tells Elina that everyone has insecurities, and at the base level it usually comes down to, "Are we good enough?" Wow, what a different take on the concept. Elina interviews that she hates showing insecurities, and hates crying in front of people. Elina begins posing, and Jay tells her that he wants to see her look like she thinks she's not good enough. He asks where she feels she's not good enough. As Mike shoots, Elina says that she doesn't trust herself. Jay asks, "In whose eyes are you afraid of disappointing? Yourself or someone else?" That's the kind of suspect command of the language that leads you to become the Republican nominee for vice president. J. / Jay in 2012! We cut to a teary Elina interviewing that she's tired of not letting it out. She knows this is something she has to get through to be successful. Jay tells Elina that she looks the best she has in the whole competition. She's learned to let go, which she says is the most important thing. I'm sure when she gets home her mom is going to beat her with some wire hangers for this display.
Lauren Brie is as the starlet who trips en route to getting her award. Make that tripping in a way that also looks like she's surfing. Lauren Brie tells us that things are getting more difficult as the concepts of the shoots are getting harder to grasp. Mike tells Lauren Brie that she looks forced and like she's posing, and he wants it to appear more natural. Jay tells us that Lauren Brie looked beautiful, but also like a mannequin falling down, minus an errant hand flying off. McKey is as the actress who thinks she's going to get the award but doesn't. She gets to pose with a hot male model, and seems to do okay. Sheena is up as a star whose dress is stepped on by a starlet, played by Marjorie. Sheena takes great enjoyment in squeezing Marjorie's padded boobs. Sheena knows that if she wore padding it would be over. Jay asks Sheena to bring her signature cultural dance to the shoot, but instead she just glares at Marjorie. Jay says that she reeled it in way too much, and it was neither pretty or believable.
We then have Joslyn as the starlet who discovers that another starlet, played by Lauren Brie, is wearing the same gown. She wants to work with her profile more, and Jay suggests that she gives a three-quarter profile. Her posing instantly becomes more fashion-y. is Analeigh, as the interviewer with attitude. She's a bit stressed out because she still hasn't figured out her signature pose. However, she's realized that she needs to stop doubting her abilities. If she brings it and commits, she says, she can do it. Analeigh starts off too sweet, but eventually gets to the point where Michael tells her that she does bitchy really well. Analeigh tells us that she's improving, and is encouraged by her good performance on the shoot. And that's a wrap!
Back at the house, there is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Sheena interviews that she's always nervous at panel. No matter how well you do, one shot can either make you or send you home. Sam works on a Rubik's Cube. Seriously. Analeigh confessionalizes that she's still not safe because she hasn't wowed the judges yet. Lauren Brie is also nervous, and notes that the competition is getting harder and harder. You never know what's going to happen, she says. Yeah, unless you're familiar with a little something called the "loser's edit." Sorry, L.B. Commercials.
We enter panel by seeing bits of Tyra's photo shoot. Her embarrassing moment is apparently feather dusting before she accepts her Fiercee. Yeah, I don't know either. And then, holy camole! Tyra is wearing some sort of hooded getup at panel. She looks like a human clitoris. Wearing fingerless gloves! Curiouser and curiouser. Tyra explains that to go along with the whole Fiercees theme she decided to be Little Black Riding Hood. The girls all sort of laugh nervously and hope they make it out of panel alive.
McKey is up first. Paulina thinks that her photo is beautiful, and Nigel adds that she doesn't look okay - she looks like she's falling apart. This is good in context, though, since she thought she was going to win the Fiercee but lost to someone who was apparently fiercer. Nigel adds that this is the most beautiful photo he's seen of McKey. Paulina is happy to see McKey coming out more and more, because she thinks McKey is so full of potential. Tyra, however, says that the photo would be more interesting if we saw a person fighting inside - like, say, a boxer - and trying to cover the emotion. Because everyone who loses at an award show - Tyra being among them apparently for her 12-time nominee status for an Insufferable Award - has a quivery smile.
Sheena is and Tyra compliments her on not looking like a whore. Sheena's photo gets mixed reviews. Nigel tells her not to look all the way to one side with her eyes, because she looks like a white-eyed alien slash possessed. Tyra explains that this is what's called a "cheat" in modeling. Paulina adds that Sheena's body in her photo is good but not mind blowing. She could have done a little more cultural dancing, in other words. Analeigh's reporter with an attitude is . Mike was impressed with what she did with the character, and Tyra notes that Analeigh is exasperated in her photo but still modeling and working the concave back. It's good news for Analeigh all around. Then we have Samantha. Miss J. is not too excited about Samantha being blinded by the light. Paulina thinks she looks like she's sad or might cry or might sneeze. She doesn't really get what the photo is trying to tell her. Nigel tells her, however, that it's a good shot and a good emotion and that she's doing well overall.
Joslyn is . Tyra says that this is the prettiest shot she's seen of Joslyn in the whole competition. Tyra mentions that they discovered Joslyn's strong profile during the week's challenge. Joslyn says that this makes her feel good, because she's always been insecure about her nose. She does have a little bit of a honker. Oh, and apparently she just heard my mean remark because she starts to cry. She's always considered her nose to be very big. Tyra tells Joslyn that every model has some part that's ugly. However, you have to learn to pose to make even the ugly parts work. Marjorie is up , and Tyra reminds us that she was the challenge winner for the week with her bad-ass hunchback self. The judges all ooh and aaah and wow when they see Marjorie's photo. Nigel tells her that she gets herself into the most extraordinary positions, and looks incredible. Mike says that he likes that even in such an extreme pose Marjorie managed to keep her mouth relaxed. Tyra of course takes all the credit for any fierce hunching that Marjorie did in her shoot. Overall, it's a great critique.
we have Lauren Brie. Her tripping photo is not believable, says Nigel, and it looks like she's floating. Tyra tells Lauren Brie that she doesn't let go enough. There's some worry on her face in the shoot, but it doesn't read in the wide shot. She needs to ugly it up a little more. Paulina tells Lauren Brie that she should be doing better week by week and not sliding backwards. Finally we have Elina. Paulina tells Elina that the camera loves her, but there's nothing about her shot that says "overemotional." Tyra notes that in her film it looked like Elina was really crying at one point. Elina jumps in to get her emotional breakthrough points and says that she was crying a lot. However, it wasn't conveying with the camera. There were real tears, but controlled real tears. Elina chooses this moment to go for bonus crying at panel points, with yet more controlled real tears. Elina says that she let go in her shoot, and if that's not enough she doesn't know what to do. Nigel notes that she gives off a very steely vibe. That being said, the modeling industry is about displaying emotion. Unless you display too much emotion. You know, it all changes from week to week. Tyra invokes Halle Berry's Oscar speech, which was a hot emotional mess, yet fierce.
And then it's time for Top Models in Action! Remember Dani, who won the whole show in Cycle 6? She's now in New York City posing and working the runway. She has a couple of campaigns, and looks pretty great. Yay!
The judges deliberate. Paulina says that Sheena has gorgeous legs, but doesn't have the makings of a model. Nigel adds that Sheena has really gone downhill for him. Tyra, however, likes the fact that Sheena didn't look like such a hooch at panel. Paulina is happy to see McKey's potential coming out more and more. Mike says that the shot turned out great, but it was like pulling teeth. Paulina says that at the beginning she didn't think Analeigh had the makings of a model, but for the second week in a row she's being proven wrong. Nigel agrees that Analeigh is doing a great job, and says that her photo is far from amateur. Nigel really likes Samantha's picture, even though it's not really conveying what it's supposed to. Tyra wonders if Nigel really likes is the photography. Paulina agrees that Mike did a great job, but Sam was mediocre. Joslyn looks the most beautiful she's looked so far, says Nigel, and agrees that her profile is stunning. Miss J. talks about himself for a minute, for no reason at all. Marjorie was Mike's favorite for the day. Tyra j'adores how Marjorie is making un pee-pee. Elina has an exquisite face, but she did not do a good job in her photo. She needs to let go of the control without feeling like she's humiliating herself. Nigel is not sold by the picture, and Tyra says that human moments are the most beautiful of all. Lauren Brie has a strong face that photographs well. However, her photo this week sucks. Nigel wonders if doing so well early on was a detriment, and now she's just coasting. Mike says that Lauren Brie is pretty in person, but was as stiff as a mannequin. And with that, the judges have reached their decision.
The girls return. There are eight girls, and seven photos. And the first name that Tyra is going to call is...Marjorie. Marjorie is awkwardly thrilled. Marjorie's girlfriend Hannah is called , followed by McKey, Samantha, Elina, and Joslyn. This leaves Sheena and Lauren Brie in the bottom two. Tyra tells them that they're polar opposites. Lauren Brie is gorgeous, interesting, odd, alienesque and high fashion. She has the type of face that doesn't come along all that often in the fashion industry. But what she's lacking is personality. Sheena, on the other hand, has personality to spare. She shines and inspires people. She's pretty, but not necessarily modelesque, and maybe too sexy for some of the judges. And you all have been watching this show for a long time, and know that personality always trumps model looks. Sheena gets the photo. Tyra tells her to find the balance between going too crazy and being flat. Lauren Brie hugs Tyra, and Tyra asks her why she thinks she's going home. Lauren Brie says it's because the judges can't see her personality. Lauren Brie thinks this is unfortunate for the judges because she is, in fact, a great person and has tons of friends. Tyra explains that being in the public eye is about more than relating to your equally boring friends. Lauren Brie can't wait to get the fuck out of the room. In her exit interview she says that it sucks when someone takes a shot at your personality. She once again emphasizes that her friends at home know she's a great person with a fun, great personality. She's just not as outgoing as some of her fellow contestants. Lauren Brie admits that maybe the drive isn't there anymore. The competition is stressful, and she kind of gave up. For her own sake, I'm really glad she didn't admit that to Tyra.
Coming up: Commercials! And fights!
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