It's makeover time! Tyra surprises the girls at their house with tales of her own career makeover (i.e., putting her assets on display in bathing suits and lingerie) and then, with the help of the Jays, embarks upon a skit having to do with princesses and princes and crones. Try to figure out who is who in that scenario. The whole thing is so stupid that you're just going to have to watch for yourselves. The upshot of it all is that the girls won't know what they're getting makeover-wise in advance, and the mirrors are covered as the makeovers are occurring so they don't fully know what they look like until the whole thing is done. While some just get longer/shorter/blonder/browner versions of what they already have, some get significant changes. McKey goes very short and black. Samantha gets an edgy, short, very blonde cut that gives her an entirely different look. Hannah gets bangs and goes shorter all over, and it becomes clear that her birth mother is Shelley Duvall in The Shining. That explains a lot. And, in a Top Model first, Elina gets a big, curly red weave. It's a sweet bit of irony that they made her look like Ronald McDonald, isn't it? She doesn't feel like herself, which for her might be kind of a good thing.
The girls take a late night trip to Wal-Mart for a makeup challenge which involves applying and improvising a commercial for TruBlend something or other. Hannah actually wins, because the Aryan White shade of TruBlend she chooses suited her perfectly. Back at the house, Elina tells the others that she hates her mom. Brittany does not approve of mom-hate, especially when said hated mom is putting a roof over your head and cooking your damn food. She thinks Elina is a psycho. Of course, Brittany is also the one who spends the episode being upset at how pretty she is, so take that as you will. The photo shoot for the week has the girls in swimwear. Elina gets over herself and does a great job, Hannah has crazy eyes, Isis gets nervous about tucking, and Brittany and Analeigh struggle. In the end it is Brittany who goes home to mull over her fatal flaw of being born so damn gorgeous.
Previously onANTM: Hannah was maybe a big, prejudiced, honky, racist cracker. Nikeysha was definitely annoying, and so was sent home. A dozen bitches remain!
Hollywood! The girls ride in their fierce eco-bus, and wonder about the judges' often nonsensical critiques. Frankly, I say it's best to push all those questions out of your mind and just smile with your eyes. It's the safest, most effective option, and you don't waste a lot of time and already scarce model brain cells. Brittany tells us that she's frustrated. She wants to be a high fashion model, but when she comes to panel her pictures are -- horrors -- just pretty. Yes, it's quite the cross to bear. Analeigh tells us that the panel seems to expect a lot from her, and she doesn't want to disappoint them. She needs to improve on her posing, and show more personality. Maybe at the panel she'll stun everyone by posing beautifully to the tune of "Through the Eyes of Love (Theme from Ice Castles)." Though maybe that would have been more appropriate for Cycle 3's Amanda.
The girls return home to find Tyra sitting on their couch, wearing a tiara and wielding a wand. She gives tiaras to all of the girls, along with party gift bags that say "princess" on them. I'm having second grade flashbacks right now! If only I had a Little Hug in front of me. Tyra has ordered some ANTM pizza, which is "Smokin' Hot and Extra Fierce." She reveals to the girls that she's there to tell them all about how she made over her career. You know the drill: Tyra used to be skinny. Fast-forward a few years, when Tyra was 15 pounds too porky and her agents told her mom that it was time for Tyra to diet. Tyra's mom, of course, said, "Screw that, let's order pizza, and then pimp you out to magazines that will put your boobs on full display." So she went from high-fashion to soft porn, a move which we are all supposed to applaud. Because the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue is very empowering to women.
In any event, Tyra really can't fill 46 minutes of show talking about herself (well, I mean technically she could, but even she seems to realize that it's maybe not the best idea), so she gets to the good stuff: the girls are getting makeovers! Huzzah! And then... I don't even know how to explain what happens . Tyra begins to tell Analeigh what look she's going to get, but then she's interrupted by Miss J., who is cleverly disguised as an old crone selling apples. I bet he uses that, "Apples! Apples!" line in all the leather bars. He tells Tyra that if she eats one of his apples, she'll be a top model forever. Girl, if you want to poison that bitch, you need to make yourself some arsenic-laced barbecue sauce. Tyra then takes a big ole' bit of apple and proceeds to drool it all down her front. That's no way to treat the boobs that are responsible for your career makeover. Tyra passes out in an exceptionally unrealistic fashion.
We cut to Elina , who is telling Jay that she's afraid to look silly, both in photo shoots and more generally in life. Thus, she's chosen to be as annoying as humanly possible, which is much more appealing. She interviews that she's careful about how she's portrayed and the image she's creating for herself. Yeah, you really want to craft that mom-hating vegan image carefully. But we'll get to that in a little while. Elina says that she's hoping for long black or brown hair. Jay tells Elina that it will be interesting to see what happens when she does finally let go and stop being such a d-bag all the time. He thinks it will only help her work.
We cut over to Samantha, who gets a big old chunk of her hair cut off. The GFW tells us that Samantha looks like a mall chick with plastic earrings, and so the major cut is going to help her look more high fashion. Sam cries, and Sutan asks her if she's afraid that her boyfriend won't like it. He then gives her some excellent advice: "If he doesn't like it, you need a new boyfriend." In the end, Sam loves her cut. It really is a big improvement, and she says she feels like a model. Mousy Hannah is . To make her less mousy, she gets a chin-length cut and bangs. Now she looks like mousy Shelley Duvall. Awesome. Hannah appears to be quite excited about it, probably because it's an Aryan Nation-approved style.
Then there's Clark. The GFW says that Clark's southern California girl look isn't edgy enough, so she's going to go brown. Clark assures us that she might have brown hair now, but she's still blonde inside. Man, do I wish they would have given her the traumatic buzz cut of the season. The GFW gives Lauren Brie, who according to her also has creepy white eyes, platinum hair. It's not very exciting. Moving on to Sheena, the GFW says that there can only be one Kimora. So Sheena is getting some highlights. Again, it's not much of a change. Then there's Analeigh, who needs a bit more pop. She gets layers and goes blonder. Analeigh says that it's a challenge for her to be confident as a blonde. She's a bit reserved and thinks that the brown hair fit that personality trait more.
And then we go back to Elina. She hopes that her makeover is nothing drastic. Elina must prepare for her hopes to be dashed as Miss J. points out that Tyra has brought in the queen weavologist, Kiyah Wright, to have at her. Miss J. torments Elina further by saying that he's seen what she's going to get, and it is not only drastic but a first in Top Model history! Maybe she'll get a horse hair weave! Or something made from the tails of lab rats. The irony! The irony! As Elina begins to look slightly terrified, we cut to commercials.
When we return, the weavologist is going to town on Elina. Miss J. tells her that she should be skurrred. That's not good! I mean, it's good for us, but not so good for Elina. The GFW tells us that Elina reminds her of Angelina Jolie. However, there can only be one Angelina Jolie. Hooo, damn, so Elina is getting a mad curly red weave! She is not particularly happy about this, and so starts crying. She says that she doesn't feel like herself. It's not her, she says. Brittany tells us that Elina has an image that she refuses to let go of. If you're really a strong person, says Brittany, hair shouldn't change you. And whatever, we all have years when we look like Carrot Top. Jay spews some nonsensical crap about something still being under all the hair but Elina not wanting to let it go. She couldn't let it go if she wanted to, because it's trapped under the weave! She can pat it once in a while when it itches, but frankly it's stuck in there for the rest of the season. When the weave is finished, Elina says that she's not angry, but she doesn't feel like herself anymore. She doesn't yet realize this might be a good thing. The hair actually looks pretty cool, if perhaps a bit like she might be late for her dinner date with The Hamburglar. And you know by Episode 6 that shit is going to look stank.
Oh! And there are still others left! The GFW gets rid of McKey's red hair in favor of a short, black cut. Isis is , and gets a long, straight weave. Brittany, who suffers from catalogue syndrome, gets a weavy wave. Brittany thinks it's very sexy and high fashion. Oh, but then we get back to Brittany's internal pain over being so pretty. She asks Miss J. what he thinks of her, and he says that she's very pretty, and he could see her being married to a football player. Say what you will about Miss J., but that was spot-on. Brittany pouts, and Miss J. tells her that she'd have a reason to fucking cry if she were butt-ugly. As it stands, she should count her blessings and just go try to sell her ass to Victoria's Secret like Tyra did. Always the sympathetic mentor, Miss J. tells Brittany to get her makeup touched up, because she looks a mess. And with that, the makeovers are finished.
Back at the house, there's Tyra Mail: "Sometimes even top models have to work the late shift. Love, Tyra." The girls figure out that they're going to be up all night long. Let the music play on (play on play on play on). They head to Wal-Mart, of course. McKey actually looks disgusted. Joslyn wants to go shopping. The girls head to the makeup section, where they find Sutan. He introduces them to Crissy Barker, CoverGirl representative and wife of Nigel Barker! Well done, N-dog. Crissy reminds us that last year there was a makeup challenge in Wal-Mart, and then reveals Whitney's winning CoverGirl display. It's all very exciting, what with the smelling like a bomb and shining like a beacon. This year's makeup challenge will have the girls picking out the right shade of TruBlend foundation, then recording an improvised 30-second commercial for the TruBlend Shade Selector. The Shade Selector is like a little sneeze guard that you put your hand under to see which shade of TruBlend is right for you. Which is great if you intend to put the makeup on your hand. The winner of the challenge will have her improvised video featured on the CoverGirl web site, her image on the makeup page of WalMart.com, and a Wal-Mart gift card worth $1000. You could buy a lot of ammo with that.
The girls rush off to apply their makeup. Elina is fine with the makeup challenge but, in case you were wondering, is still not fine with her "silly hair." And then it's time for the commercials! Hannah is goofy and bucktoothed and, some would say, endearing. Samantha gets points for using the phrase "transparent palette." We learn that Isis would use the "warm beige" shade. Analeigh is not an improvisational master, nor is Brittany. But no one is quite so well spoken as Marjorie, who nervously says, "Thank God...for Walgreen's." Awesome. Elina looks uncomfortable. Analeigh ends her commercial by saying, "Leave it to the professionals. Leave it to Cover Girl. Yo." Like she's suddenly from the hood, like Tonya Harding or something. McKey gets points for going the "Easy, Breezy" route.
The girls get their critiques. Marjorie had the Walgreen's snafu. Crissy says that watching Samantha was like watching a friend talk about a product. Because that's what friends do! Why talk about feelings and such when you can talk about cakey foundation that in truth is not going to match your skin tone no matter what you do? Brittany was pretty but kind of dumb-sounding. Hannah, says Sutan, was adorable and thorough. Analeigh's performance was a bit ghetto. I say props for her for going against type, though. In the end, there can only be one winner. And it's Hannah. She's thrilled, and the others reluctantly clap for her. Hannah thinks it's very cool that she can go online and Google herself. You know, once she gets electricity in her house.
When the girls get home, there is more Tyra Mail! "Which one of you is suited to be America's Top Model? Love, Tyra." The girls all suspect that they'll be doing some swimsuit modeling. No one mentions the Angry Inch yet, but you know they're all thinking about it.
We cut to Brittany in her room talking about how much she loves her mom and her family. She interviews how hard it is to be out of her parents' house and living with all the other girls. Suddenly Elina walks through the room with her big curly red weave and busts out with, "I've never loved my mom." That weave is soaked in truth serum! Elina interviews that her mom doesn't know how to be a mother, and that she has never been allowed to express either negative or positive emotions. This explains, she says, why she's been guarded or controlling or afraid of putting herself out there too much. And also why she's reality famewhoring. The conversation continues, but not before we get a shot of Marjorie and Hannah standing arm-in-arm to each other, with Hannah wearing running shorts and tube socks. It adds something to the context, but I can't pinpoint exactly what. Maybe that there are others in the house who should be hating their mothers more.
Hannah is , also posing by a rock. We learn for certain that Hannah has major crazy eyes. Russell asks her to tone down the psycho eyes, but she doesn't seem to understand. They put a huge hat on her, which isn't doing her any favors in the crazy department. Clark is and Susan compliments her for being very delicate and subtle. Rats. Jay talks to Brittany about the shoot. She says she's nervous that she's overthinking things. Jay tells her to just engage in the flow. Brittany is praying that this photo will show the judges that she's got more going on than just prettiness. Russell tries some motion shots with Brittany. He tells us that when she first came out, it was painful to watch. He wonders if she has a broad enough range of moves and looks, and notes that she didn't leave any impression in his mind as a model. Samantha appears to kill it.
Elina is up , and Jay tells her that he wants to see her embracing the hair. Elina seems prepared to do it. She tells Susan that even though she cried at first, she now loves the hair. Elina interviews that she doesn't recognize herself, but she's over it. Tyra brought her out of her comfort zone, she says, and she thinks it's really going to help. Russell notes that Elina is not your typical swimsuit model at first glance, but she's gorgeous. He thinks that her hair is working absolutely perfectly with her features and she's got a very cool look. I have to say the hair does look kind of awesome. Marjorie is to shoot, and appears to do a good job. Lauren Brie is and looks like a freaky porn star Barbie in her pink sequined swimsuit and platinum blonde hair.
And then there's Isis. She confesses to Jay that she's a little nervous, and reminds us that she was physically born a male and that there's a lot of pressure on her. Jay tells her that Russell and Susan don't know about her situation, and adds that he wants to make sure that her face reads confident. Isis poses in the suit, and happily there's no evidence of any extra bits. Russell tells us that he found Isis difficult to shoot. He's not convinced that Isis has the potential to be a model for pure physical structure reasons in the face. Is he saying that he thinks she has a man-jaw? I mean, technically I guess that's true. It's making me sad to see Isis get less and less fierce each week, though.
When the girls return home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone will be getting the boot. Analeigh says that she's nervous, and hopes the judges think she delivered an impressive photo. Brittany really doesn't want to be in the bottom two. Isis really wants Brittany to shut up and let her eat her Doritos in peace. Isis interviews that she is nervous. She did her best, and now can just pray that she has a good picture. With that, we head to commercials.
We enter panel with Tyra posing in a '40s style swimsuit and looking gorgeous. I guess swimsuits really are her genre. There are prizes, there are judges. Susan Holmes is the guest judge. We get a brief glimpse of a photo of Tyra and Susan circa 1992. Tyra is wearing hot pants and a beret, while Susan sports sequined multi-colored high-waisted shorts and what appear to be either oranges or Nerf balls as a top. I never really thought of the '90s as being all that strange a time, but guess I've been proven wrong. Tyra tells the girls that it's very important to master swimsuits, because they're such a big market. It's true that you can't turn around without seeing a girl with her bits hangout out, whether she's in Vogue or the Victoria's Secret catalogue.
Sheena is up first. Tyra likes her look, and says it makes her look "tropical." She's going to cast Sheena in her all-model remake of South Pacific as part of the "Broadway Scares" project. Nigel thinks that Sheena's photo is beautiful. He says that she surprises him, because she has such a strong personality and yet her photos are so serene. Sheena tells the panel that she was trying to smile with her eyes, and Tyra confirms that she was successful. is Analeigh. Paulina notes that her arms are like scary tree branches in her photo. Not good. Susan tells Analeigh that she needs to do more research -- i.e. read some magazines. Tyra thinks that if Analeigh were looking up in her shot, it would have been fantastic.
Clark is . Tyra says that she looks much more interesting with dark hair, and Paulina agrees that it was a good makeover. Clark's picture is okay. Paulina says she needs to be careful because she doesn't have a full, voluptuous mouth and shouldn't hold her lips tightly. She, too, has to do some research into mouth posing. is Hannah. Her photo gets an, "Oooh!" from Tyra. Nigel says it's very "European sexy," and not something you'd see in an American magazine. He means this as a compliment. Tyra says that Hannah gets stuck in her film and tends to give the same pose over and over. She tells her to give the photographer a few shots. I am so sad that we didn't get a crazy eyes photo!
We then have Lauren Brie. Tyra compliments her face in her photo, and Miss J. says that Lauren reminds him of Caridee. Hey, remember her? Tyra says that in her film, Lauren did some soft shots, and then there were the "Come get me, boys, I'm about to toot my booty up and push my chest out" poses. She gets props for having variety. Brittany is . Tyra says that 20 shots will go by in her film, and she is in fact so "natural" that she doesn't look like she's present at all. Brittany says that she was posing and "doing modeling," and the photographer told her to not think so much. Tyra explains that when a photographer says, "Look at me," it doesn't mean he wants you to be totally vacant and blank. Good to know, good to know.
McKey is . Tyra says that she has such a strong face, she can have any color hair. She compares her to Linda Evangelista, which is a big compliment. Miss J. loves the extension of McKey's body in her shot, and Paulina says that her face is beautiful and soft. Susan notes that McKey was the only model to really think out of the box. Then there's Isis. Nigel asks if she was uncomfortable doing this kind of shoot. Isis says she was at first, but then tried to just get into the poses. Isis has a lazy eye in her shot, and Tyra says that all of her film was sleepy. Paulina, however, notes that her pose is very becoming and she looks wonderful. Aww, Paulina.
Marjorie with the darker hair is , and Tyra says she looks much younger and more like a model. She looks amazing in her photo, and not really like herself at all. Tyra says it looks like a high-end, edgy boutique hotel ad. Miss J. likes it but notes that she could be showing a little more swimsuit. Then we have Samantha, who of course looks totally different and a lot better. Her photo gets raves all around, and Paulina notes that she looks like she's really thinking something, which draws the viewer in. Tyra says that Samantha just comes off like a sweet girl in person, but in front of a camera she knows how to turn it on. That's a good thing.
Elina with her big red hair is . Nigel says that her photo is stunningly beautiful, and adds that she really has a beautiful face. Paulina says that for modeling, tattoos are generally a terribly bad idea. We see the big ink on Elina's arm. Elina notes that she was nervous about hiding them. Tyra, who I think is feeling a little salty about Paulina these days, says that the tattoos work for Elina's photo and so she's not going to retouch them. Tyra adds that Elina's is one of the most interesting makeovers they've done on Top Model. It makes her racially ambiguous. Every little girl can look at Elina's picture and see herself in it. And then wonder why she's suddenly feeling like she hates her mom. Tyra thinks that's beautiful.
Last but not least is Joslyn, who has a wide-legged stance in her photo. Miss J. thinks she's one step from the pose that all the girls do in the hood. He does the hood pose, and may have a point. Tyra notes that Joslyn has power in her photo. She's posing, but there's motion. Well done for a third week in a row! Joslyn is really the surprise of the season.
And hey! It's Cycle 9's Lisa! She's apparently been taking the fashion world by storm, posing for Carmen Marc Valvo and Tracy Reese. And she opened the William and Augusta show at New York fashion week! Is it wrong of me to admit that I don't even remember Lisa in the slightest? Did she maybe cry at her makeover? Oh no, wait! Lisa was the stripper who has seen every kind of hurt! Oh, good for her. I hope she's making some cash.
The judges deliberate. Sheena's picture is beautiful, but it's the second soft shot she's done, and Nigel would like to see a bit more power. Analeigh's face is dull. Paulina says she has a beautiful body and the skating background, and they all want her to have more potential than she probably actually has. Clark is not as photogenic as Susan wanted her to be. Nigel says she's night and day in front of them and in photos. Lauren Brie is the opposite of Clark -- she doesn't look great in person, but photographs amazingly well. Brittany is very "pretty," says Nigel, but is not a great model. Susan adds that she doesn't have the "wow" factor. Paulina is loving Samantha's hair, and says that her photo is gorgeous. Hannah needs to stop looking so put together. Isis looks gorgeous in her photo despite the wonky eye, but she was stuck in the same pose and her film all looks the same. Tyra loves practically everything about Marjorie's photo. McKey's looks incredible, says Nigel, and her makeover has done her an amazing amount of justice. Elina delivered despite her crazy-ass makeover. Paulina loves the way Joslyn's swimsuit looks. Miss J. does his hood pose and screams. And with that, panel comes to a conclusion.
The girls return. Tyra calls Elina's name first. See, you get rewarded for not bitching continuously about the makeover that you hate. Tyra then calls Lauren Brie, Samantha, McKey, Sheena, Joslyn, Marjorie, Clark, Isis, and Hannah. This of course leaves Brittany and Analeigh in the bottom two. Brittany is such a pretty girl, but for some reason it's not connecting in her photos. And then there's Analeigh, who should be ahead of the pack with her ice skating background. Because she has something extra, the judges expect more. So who stays? Analeigh. Tyra tells her to get it together and translate her beauty in her photos. Brittany approaches Tyra, who tells her to go home and buy all the European fashion magazines and study them. Brittany has "it," but it's not being reflected. As Brittany packs, she cries. She tells us emotionally that when she thinks too hard in a photo it doesn't look real, but when she doesn't think about it, it's vacant. She says that she's learning, and she's going to take everything she's learned and apply it. She concludes by saying that she's too bright of a star to fade away. And then we fade away.
week: High-stakes runway challenge! With blindfolds!
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