Benny Nina makes a guest appearance to teach the girls how to pose in a giant mesh laundry bag. Hawt! Nikeysha has no clue as to what she's doing, but does realize temporarily that shutting her mouth is a good thing. This does not last long, however, as she tells designer Tarina Tarantino that she has to pee before engaging in the week's posing challenge. Sheena proves that God loves her as much as we do, and made her able to naturally spread her legs super-wide -- wide enough, in fact, to fit a big handbag. This is not enough, sadly, to win the posing challenge -- that honor goes to Elina. The girls all pile in the hot tub, which of course leads to some shenanigans. During a spirited game of Truth or Dare, Elina goes in for the big kiss with Clark. Clark kept her lips closed, but you know she enjoyed it. Isis gets a bit too close to Hannah's personal space, so Hannah gives her a little shove. This is not taken well by some of the girls, who also note that Hannah's white-girl-from-a-small-town routine is even more annoying, and perhaps offensive, than immediately apparent. Several of the women of color confront her and ask if she's racist. She does not take the question well. Just when McKey tries to convince us to feel a little bad for her, Hannah compares the ambush on her character to a gang rape. Yeah.
The week's photo shoot was meant to have the girls hanging on a ladder from a hot air balloons, but when the wind kicks up Jay regrettable decides to put safety first and saves Marjorie from being blown off to Oz. Instead, the ladder is hung from a crane. Wind still proves to be a factor as some of the girls struggle to pose while remembering their faces and their garments. Lauren Brie, Joslyn and Elina take to the air with the greatest of ease, while some others can't quite get a grip. And as for Sheena, she proves to have the strength of twenty men in her left buttock alone. Judging gets interesting as the panel tells Nikeysha that she needs to eat a damn cheeseburger, and Sheena denies and then admits to having some Dr. style silicone funbags hanging off of her chest. She makes it through to another week, with strict instructions to de-hooch. In the end it's Nikeysha and Isis, who may be thrown off by her hormone injections, in the bottom two. Isis gets her photo and Nikeysha starts going on about how she's going to go home and become an anesthesiologist. Tyra totally tells her to shut the hell up, which is a pretty fitting end to Nikeysha's very short journey.
Hi all! Before I begin, I must make a correction to last week's recap. Thanks to Alaskan native Hilary for writing to tell me that, in fact, there really ARE no billboards in Alaska! Apparently, state law prohibits them. I really just thought it was Hannah being dumb and all, "Aw, shucks, fellas! What's this newfangled electric light bulb you're all talking about?" So Hannah gets one point, which leaves the score so far at: Potes - 148; Hannah - 1.
Previously on ANTM: Bitches! Magicians! A fierce stand on political issues and getting out to vote! And, in a rare act of mercy toward her viewers, Tyra gave Sharaun the boot. The unlucky thirteen remain! Na na na na na na!
It is night, and the girls' eco-friendly bus is still fierce. The girls return home from judging to find Marjorie's photo displayed digitally, as promised. She feels good about it. And then we get down to business. Nikeysha tells the other girls that she talks too much because she feels the need to explain herself. Girl, the crazy on your face is apparent to everyone, so you really don't have to put so much effort into explanation. Nikeysha interviews that the judges got the wrong impression of her. Exactly how that impression is wrong, she does not say. Instead she points out how she kept talking over Tyra and Tyra wanted to get in a damn word. Which would, in fact, indicate that the judges had exactly the right impression of her. Nikeysha tells us that at the panel she's going to keep her mouth shut. If she really wants to follow through with that promise, I suggest she find some lip sutures quick.
Tyra Mail! In this week's delivery photo, Tyra is positively orgasmic that all the letters have fallen out of her mailbag. She also pounds the pavement through rain, snow, sleet and hail in five-inch ankle strap stilettos. No wonder the cost of stamps went up again. The Tyra Mail says: "Don't get it twisted. Will you bend over backwards to be on top? Love, Tyra." Sheena says that hell yes, she will. I feel like she gives that answer every time someone asks her to bend over. Cut to Isis who reminds us that she had the second best photo last week. Her biggest challenge, she says, is working with her face and making sure it's soft and pretty. Like sugar and spice and everything nice! I sure hope Isis doesn't underestimate the awesomeness of her face when it's finger-waving fierce.
The morning the girls head to some sort of abandoned building, where they find a lime-green-clad Benny Ninja (yay!) posing with one leg behind his head. He's against a backdrop of what appear to be hanging red silks. Samantha says that she's frigging so excited to be among the best of the best. I have to say that Samantha might be a stealth competitor for this season. She's hilarious, and, despite generally looking like she just came home from a field hockey game, she takes a good photo. Benny tells the girls that striking killer poses is the name of the game. Sometimes this requires you to think outside the box. But other times, it requires you to think INSIDE the box. As he says "inside," he turns around the coffee-table size box he's sitting on and who do you think is inside? A contortionist model, of course! How that woman got her four-inch-heel clad leg around her head in that small space I cannot tell you. Benny introduces Gumby-woman as Bree Robertson, a model/contortionist from Australia. She travels the world for her ability in extreme posing. Oh, this is going to be one of those episodes that makes me lament my stiff-ass joints. Benny asks the girls if any of them have natural flexibility, and everyone seems to know that Sheena can get her legs in 62 different positions in the span of a minute and a half. I'm not judging; I'm jealous. I would totally take Sheena's "Unleashing The Hooch Within" class at The Learning Connection. As Sheena demonstrates her ability to stretch her legs into an obtuse angle, Nikeysha notes that Sheena's always sexing it up and needs to tone it down a little.
Benny tells the ladies that they're going to be posing in the fabric tubes behind him. Benny and Bree demonstrate, and basically they look like those weird cocoon worms that hang in trees. As a child, I was always afraid that those things were going to fall on my head, so I'm having some serious PTSD flashbacks right now. Sheena does a good job working her giant tubular mesh laundry bag, while Benny says that Hannah put in effort but it wasn't what he was looking for. Nikeysha both loses her neck and looks like she's in labor, which can't be good. Bree points out that Nikeysha really doesn't know her body. Benny tells her that she looks like she has gas and she tries to chat him up. He is not charmed. Nikeysha tells us that she's going to go home and practice 1) posing; 2) shutting up. Elina and Samantha seem to be doing pretty well. Benny tells Isis not to forget her face, and notes that she's giving the same face in every shot. And it's not a cute face. Isis is also wearing full-on neon green, so maybe Benny is just mad that she bit his wardrobe? Isis says that the posing was a bit more complicated than she thought it would be, but she'll be okay. At the end of the session, Bree compliments Sheena on her performance, and Sheena says that it gave her an extra boost of confidence to be model sexy versus hooch sexy.
Back at home, there's more Tyra Mail! "Did you learn your lesson? If so, you've got this one in the bag. Love, Tyra." The reading of the Tyra Mail proves to us that unemployed Joslyn should probably not look for a career in the field of audio book narration. Let's hope this modeling thing works out. Lauren Brie's little Laughing Cow cheese brain deduces that their challenge will have something to do with posing. The first MENSA member to emerge from Cycle 11!
The girls all head outside for some nighttime shenanigans around the pool. They crowd into the hot tub for a game of truth or dare. Isn't this the part where some really lucky maintenance man or pizza guy walks in? Sheena agrees to do a dare, on the condition that there's no nudity. Elina wants Sheena to do a dance for the rest of the crew. As Sheena tells us that her hurdle in this competition is being more conscious of her sexual delivery, she does a dance which involves letting someone slap her ass. Yeah. She says Mr. Jay started her self-consciousness with his whole, "I'm gonna call you out as a hooch every time you pose like a hooch!" bit from the last photo shoot. Sheena doesn't see herself as a hooch. She did, however, pull the brand-new phrase "sexual delivery" out of the air, so I think the question is still open.
The shenanigans continue. Clark tells us that she was dared to kiss Elina. We get to see the whole thing in slow motion, including Hannah's vaguely uncomfortable look. Clark totally has closed lips, because that's how she rolls. Nonetheless, Elina says she saw fireworks. Maybe this all actually happened on the Fourth of July? Someone yells that Clark's going home a lesbian, and Hannah looks even more uncomfortable that her ally in conservatism might be on her way to a free toaster. She interviews that she has no idea why all the girls in her house are so sexual. She comes from a small town, she says, and this is all very extreme for her taste. Girl, we know all about Wasilla now. Small towns are always full of meth and teenage banging. Hannah adds that she generally wouldn't hang out with characters like Elina or Sheena or Isis, who is "a" transgender. We cut back to the pool, where Isis seems about to do a dare of some sort or other, and appears about to accidentally back into Hannah. Before she can do so, Hannah reaches out her hands and gives Isis a little shove. Cue a bass drum and an instant replay. This is going to be good.
The other girls don't take to Hannah's shove lightly. Brittany interviews that putting hands on other girls on the house is not appreciated. Analeigh notes that the mood in the hot tub has turned a bit awkward. Isis gives sort of a resigned "Fuck her" look from under her bedraggled weave. Hannah interviews that she doesn't think she pushes people around, but she has her space. She thinks what's important is that Isis is learning her boundaries. I think what's important is that Hannah is about to get her ass beat. She knows this, and gets out of the pool. Nikeysha tells everyone to simmer down and Clark smirks gleefully. Isis notes that the claws aren't out yet, but the cat might be scratching at the door a little bit. I'm not sure that works as a metaphor, but you know what she's saying.
Inside, Sheena and Brittany have a couple of words with Hannah. Sheena says that originally her impression was that Hannah was sweet and friendly, however she deliberately pushed someone and it was rude. Hannah then says that she doesn't appreciate when people come and start dancing on her. Wait, who was dancing on her? It's not like Isis waltzed over and was about to start humping her like Akon. Well, no matter, because bigger things are about to happen. Hannah calls herself "the stereotypical white person." Girl, we crackers have a hard enough time without you telling the rest of the world that we're even lamer than they think. Brittany asks what a stereotypical white person is, and Hannah says that she doesn't really like rap music, and she's not loud. For example, she doesn't go into a room and scream, "HEY!" with her boom box behind her ear playing someone with the prefix "Li'l" in front of their name, and drinking a Colt 45. I mean, seriously. Sheena and Brittany are not amused. Brittany interviews that she does not appreciate the ignorance, and just because she's black she doesn't go around snapping her fingers all day and saying, "Heeeeyyyyy!" There is no certain way to act black, she says. One certain way to act white for sure, though, is to start crying when called out on the fact that you're being offensive, and this is exactly what Hannah does when Brittany and Sheena tell her that she needs to be more conscious and aware of what she's putting out there. Hannah interviews that she was frustrated because she was being honest with Brittany and Sheena, and they were trying to get a reaction out of her. She whitey-bucktooth-sobs to the two of them that she really wasn't trying to offend anyone. Brittany tells her, quite correctly, that she has to be careful of how she comes across. As teary Hannah looks evermore like an albino rat, we head to commercials.
When we return, the model house is still ablaze with talk of TranShoveGate. Brittany and Sheena share details of their talk with Hannah with Nikeysha and Joslyn, neither of whom are all that crazy about Hannah calling herself the whitest whitey in Caucasio, Alaska. Joslyn interviews that things in the house are beginning to change as people question whether Hannah is prejudiced. One thing everyone can agree on, however, is that Isis knows how to handle a situation and is very secure.
And speaking of Isis, she tells us that in order to keep up her transition she has to take hormonal injections. You would think that someone would have figured out a way to run an IV through one of Isis' giant hoop earrings. Isis thinks that Analeigh is pretty cool, so asks if she will keep her company and distract her as she gives herself the injection. Analeigh agrees, and even busts out her award-winning chicken impression. See! Not all white girls suck. Analeigh has redeemed my people with just one cluck. After the injection is through, Isis notes that she's getting nauseous. Analeigh, for her part, takes it as a huge compliment that Isis asked her to be there, and thanks Isis. Aw, I want to give both of them big hugs right now, in part because neither of them is a) Hannah; or b) droning on about Hannah.
The girls board their eco-bus and head to an empty theater. There they find Benny Ninja, spread-eagled on a divan wearing a tiny Antoine Merriweather hat and an oversized string of pearls. Sometimes he is just too butch for me. He tells the girls that today they'll be auditioning for pink-haired, multi-talented jewelry and handbag designer Tarina Tarantino. The girls have to use the posing skills they learned yesterday to inspire Tarina to create yet more tiny sequined top hats. The model who uses the accessories in the most creative way will win a handbag full of sparkling jewelry and accessories. A tiny sequined top hat for every day of the week! It makes a person's head shrink with glee just to think of it. Helping Tarina to judge are Melissa, Alfonso, and Paz, all of whom are members of her creative team.
Lauren Brie begins, wearing a tiny sequined top hat and posing with a teeny tiny handbag. Isis notes that she's feeling a little nauseous from her shot, so is just going to try to stay focused. She doesn't do anything particularly innovative, but looks pretty fierce nonetheless. We get a little montage of the girls trying to contort themselves on the divan and on the floor, and then Hannah rests her handbag on a chandelier. Then a rash of girls use their toes to hold the handbags, which can't be sanitary. Tarina looks on dubiously. Nikeysha tells us that she really wants, and really needs to win the challenge. To set the stage for her path to victory, as she walks out to pose she tells Tarina and her entourage, "If I pee up myself, this one's for you, 'cause I so need to use the bathroom." Provocative, syntactically flawless, AND classy! Hannah thinks that Nikeysha didn't even realize how unprofessionally she was coming off, and that it was an amateur mistake. Spoken like a true veteran who's never seen a billboard. Nikeysha's poses kind of suck, as you might imagine. Then we move onto Elina, who in fact looks awesome. Sheena is , and says that she knows exactly where she wants to place the accessories. It may or may not come as a surprise to you that she wants to place the accessories where she wants to place everything else: in her cooch. She throws her leg behind her head and puts the handbag right in front of her cooter pie. Apparently, this is some sort of feng shui. I guess it's possible that her cooch could be the southeast corner and thus bring good fortune in accessorizing. Benny Ninja confirms for us that designers don't want to see their products in places where they weren't meant to be. What? I carry my handbag in my vagina all the time. It really frees up your arms to carry groceries or pet kittens.
Benny and Tarina give the girls their critiques. He tells Isis that she's stuck in her head, and reminds her that every emotion that goes through your head while you're modeling shows up on your face. Perhaps that's why the most vacuous girls always seem to make the best models. Tarina doesn't know what was up with Hannah and the chandelier. Nikeysha is memorable, but in a way that doofuses are memorable. Sheena did not show the appropriate level of respect for her pink plastic handbag when she put it in her cooch. Designers don't want to see their pieces in your piece. The winner of the challenge was innovative, and gave some poses that Tarina could see being used in her campaign. And the winner is Elina! First a kiss with Clark and now a challenge victory! Elina is on fire! , she'll pose on a mountain of tempeh and become the new face of meat substitutes. How could a girl ask for more?
Back at the house, there is more Tyra Mail: "You wanna be on top? Then you'd better start climbing that ladder. Love, Tyra." There is no time for speculation about the meaning of this Tyra Mail, because everyone is still too busy talking about Hannah. Nikeysha says that she hates when people act like their own race. For example, Hannah's white, and acts white, and LIKES acting white. Jerk. Joslyn says that Hannah might be trying to be slick on the cool. As a white person, I actually really don't understand what that means. Maybe I'm part of the problem, too! Nikeysha interviews that a lot of the ethnic girls are feeling negative energy from Hannah, and think that maybe she's throwing out the race card. Hannah, for her part, complains to some of the other white girls that it's wrong for people to talk about others when they're not even there to defend themselves. It's like murdering their reputations slowly, she says. Mmm... Hannah... slow... murder. Meanwhile, Sheena seems to hit a chord when she says that Hannah is discriminating. The women of color -- minus Isis, it is notable to add -- decide that it's time to call a house meeting. Sheena interviews that if there's nothing wrong about you, and you have nothing to hide, you will not be afraid to address it. I think we all know where this is heading: dance off! Stereotypically, Hannah is in trouble.
When the whole group is together, Nikeysha begins to talk about the conversation that Hannah had with Brittany and Sheena. Joslyn likes to murder someone's reputation quickly, and so asks, "Let me put it this way...are you prejudiced?" Hannah interviews that this was a shocker and a blow, and that if Sheena and Brittany had questions about her then they should have said something. She thinks the whole thing is pretty 3rd-grade. But it might not be as 3rd-grade as giving a suspicious laugh as you say that no, you're not prejudiced, then adding, "I'm sorry you feel that I'm racist and prejudiced, but now it's time for me to go to sleep. But thank you for critiquing me. That's cool." The women of color get über-frustrated, and Marjorie, on behalf of whiteys everywhere, says that Hannah just feels a little ambushed. Meanwhile, Hannah is crying and Analeigh comforts her by saying that the others just needed something to talk about. Hannah breaks down in the confessional and says that she can't believe that the others are referring to her as a racist, adding, "Wow. That's not very nice." Okay, she is actually the whitest person alive. So maybe she was just stating facts. Commercials.
And hey! Speaking of racists, it's Whitney's My Life As a Cover Girl! Whitney tells us that she wouldn't be where she is without where she came from. Okay, just forget the syntactical issues and let's go with it. Whitney's family is so important to her. Just like her best black friend is! Remember that? Whitney especially loves her mom, who told her that if you're beautiful on the inside, you will radiate beauty on the outside. That's a good bit of advice, but I don't see how it relates, since I still think Whitney's a bit of a wanker on the inside. Anyway, Whitney is happy to have made her family proud! P.S.: Buy Wetslicks!
When we return, Hannah is getting some token white sympathy on the Honky Porch. McKey says that she feels bad for Hannah, because Hannah walked into a trap. Hannah says that if their whole prerogative was to hurt her or made her cry, they got her. McKey interviews that Hannah is the most misunderstood girl in the house, and even if people think that she wants to run away, she's just going to keep being Hannah. As if to prove her point, Hannah keeps being Hannah and says, and I quote, "That's like, like gang rape. That's like gang violence. Like, seriously, it's inappropriate." Almost as inappropriate as comparing someone verbally confronting you to GANG RAPE. Any sympathy she built up with all those tears is totally gone now. Put that on a billboard that you can see in any state except for Alaska and smoke it.
The girls head off to a giant field somewhere, and emerge from their eco-bus to find a giant hot-air balloon containing Mr. Jay! He's going back home to live with his people in Munchkinland! I'm so happy he's finally been able to arrange the transportation. Jay tells the girls that this week they all learned about the unobvious pose, and adds that fashion sometimes takes you to unobvious places. Such as -- you guessed it -- a hot air balloon. The girls will not be inside of the hot air balloon. Rather, they'll be on a ladder hanging from its basket. I'm sure they'll have some sort of dumb safety thing underneath so no one plummets to her death. Darn.
The girls head into hair and makeup. Isis says that she has to make sure she has strong faces with strong poses. As opposed to all the other weeks, when she was trying to look like a fart-faced wet noodle. Jay introduces the girls to photographer Mike Ruiz, who did the superhero shoot in Cycle 5. Mike tells the girls that today they have to give a lot of drama. Girl, if you want to see drama, you go take pictures at a house meeting, okay? That would be the "gang rape" photo shoot. Nikeysha says that she really needs to do well, which I'm sure means that she'll be terrible. Meanwhile, Hannah sulks in the hair chair and thinks about how much she relates to Jodie Foster's character in The Accused.
Lauren Brie is the first to head to the ladder, and we hear some people give lip service to the fact that it's always safety first. This is relevant to the situation at hand, as there is apparently quite a bit of wind and the balloon is flying around like crazy. Lauren Brie admits to getting a little nervous. Luckily (for the girls, not for the viewing audience), Jay decides to recreate the scene by hanging the ladder from a crane. For the final photo, they'll put together a digital composite of the ladder hanging from the hot air balloon. In any case, Lauren Brie is awesome. Jay loves what she's doing, and says that it's a Dior ad. She really knows how to flip herself around that ladder!
Elina is up , and Jay tells her to bring variety. Elina is also so good that she makes Jay bust into orgasm noises -- TWICE! He thinks that she looks like a goddess in the sky, and also like Angelina Jolie. I have to agree that she looks pretty fierce. And then we take a Hannah break. She explains that last night she was accused of being racist, which was humiliating. Today, however, she's over it. If people feel like they need to keep talking about it, she says, it's their issue. And apparently, people do feel the need to keep talking about it as Brittany and her crew again state that Hannah needs to learn to treat people with respect. If she did, they wouldn't have to practically gang-rape her.
Back on the set, it's Analeigh's turn, and Jay instructs her to use the skater in her. However, Analeigh doesn't have an easy time figuring out how to work the ladder. Jay says that, for being the best poser, Analeigh's film is really bad. Since when is she the best poser? You learn all sorts of tidbits when you pay attention! Sheena hits the ladder . Let's allow Jay to sum it up for us: "If you can hold onto the rungs without your arms or legs... there's a problem." He interviews that butt cheeks typically aren't the best thing to grab onto a ladder with. Now he tells me. I had a heck of a time getting high enough to shingle my roof this summer. He tells Sheena again that it's just a leeeeetle hoochie. Sheena was going for effortless. Effortlessly hoochie.
Isis is up . Jay tells her to be mindful not to overthink, and also to be aware of her face. He interviews that Isis has the ability to give the strongest posing, but when she struggles, she forgets her face. She is not looking good. Nikeysha is up , and a big gust of wind blows her dress right the heck up, exposing her underwear. Jay has to look away for a minute. Nikeysha confessionalizes that it takes a lot of arm strength to hold onto the ladder and, as we might have noticed, she's kind of skinny. She could slice a cantaloupe with that collarbone. Jay gives Nikeysha a little talk, and it doesn't sound good. She hopes that there's a good shot in there, because she surely needs some redemption, praise the Lord, hallelujah.
Brittany is , and also appears to struggle. Jay finds her confusing, because she's so beautiful to look at, but she doesn't understand how to harness her power. Well, then teach her something! Argh. Joslyn, however, gets up on that ladder and turns it out something fierce. Jay says that she's giving Lauren Brie a run for her money. Clark is and Jay tells her to be careful about sitting on the ladder, because it makes her look like a stumpmeister. Hannah is up , and says that this shoot is hard for her because she doesn't know what to do. She needs to prove that she really can catch on, and isn't just a fish out of water 24-7. If she were a fish out of water, she'd be one of those weird ones with big teeth. Yikes.
Samantha is . Jay says that Samantha walked onto set looking like a top model, but during the whole shoot she wasn't aware of the garment. Well, why don't you tell her to be aware of the garment, Jay? Sometimes he is, in fact, anti-helpful. McKey is , and keeps hitting a good look but changing it before the photographer can get it. We finally have Marjorie, who does a fantastic job judging by the praise that Jay and the photographer yell out. That's a wrap, and without even one model plummeting to her death. Stupid show.
Back at the house, Hannah worries about her performance. She confessionalizes that she wants to be there, and wants to win. I want her to be there, too, at least long enough for the others to beat on her a little more. There is Tyra Mail. Someone is getting the boot. Sheena tells the other girls that they should start packing and tidying up. They do not seem to think it's funny. As if to prove what a gang-rapist she is, Sheena has a tank top with the word "wifebeater" on it. She confessionalizes that she has what it takes to do this, but one little slip is all you need to get the boot. It's all or nothing, and you need to go hard or go home. With this, we head to commercials.
We return to panel with Tyra almost getting carried away by balloons, Gonzo-style. That's a lot of balloons. There are prizes, there are judges. Tarina Tarantino is the guest judge for the week. And I'm not even going to go into Miss J.'s stupid necklace. If he got rid of a tooth each week a girl got eliminated, I'd be interested. Until then, he gets no press from me.
Analeigh is up first for evaluation. Nigel thinks her photo is beautiful, but it lacks real commitment. Paulina says that Analeigh's face shows that she's thinking about what she's doing rather than making us join the dream. Frankly, I'd rather keep my distance from whatever particular dream Paulina is talking about. Tarina Tarantino thinks Analeigh's pose is perfect. is Samantha. The way the dress is falling on her, says Nigel, makes her look heavier than she is. Tyra takes this opportunity to deliver a PSA entitled, "Shiny fabric is not your friend." It's true. Nonetheless, Tyra tells Samantha that she has some good moves. Hannah is . Nigel likes that her photo is different, unexpected, and has a lot of good angles. However, he and Miss J. agree that her face doesn't work.
We then have Nikeysha. Tyra begins by asking Nikeysha what her eating habits are, because she's very thin. Nikeysha doesn't answer the question, instead asking the panel if they think she's too thin. Paulina does indeed think she's too thin. Miss J. somewhat mysteriously says, "A full-on cheeseburger, fried chicken and a watermelon chaser. You are fantastical!" The other girls all make amused faces and hand gestures, and I must confess that I have no clue as to what's going on. Even Hannah seems to know what's happening, so I guess it's not a whitey thing. Is he telling her that she should eat that? Or she does eat that? Or is Miss J. joining the dream? We may never know for sure. Anyway, Nikeysha's picture isn't so hot. Paulina says that she looks like a paper bag with pipe cleaners coming out of it. Now that was Janice Dickinson-worthy. If she had a normal sized leg and arm, Nigel adds, the garment wouldn't look as big. They will in fact have to retouch her arms and legs to make them look bigger. Now that seems counterintuitive. Tyra adds that Nikeysha's face is stunning, which I think is a load of fantastical cheeseburger.
Lauren Brie is , and the orgasm-noises continue when the judges see her shot. Miss J. is living for her photo, and Paulina can't believe how perfectly her foot is positioned. Tarina says the pose is like a broken doll. Tyra agrees that the photo is to die for. It could be a Dior campaign, or a Louis Vuitton campaign. It is indeed a pretty fierce photo, even though she looks like she might have dislocated her arm. Lauren Brie takes it all in dull stride. I don't think she has all that much going on in her gouda brain. McKey is up . Nigel thinks that the long shot is great, but when he looks at her face it goes to a cartoon level. Paulina agrees that she looks like the love child of Poison Ivy and the Joker. Oh, it's not that bad. Tyra brings up Mr. Jay's critique that McKey lost her poses before the photographer could shoot a frame. This leads, as most things do, right back to Tyra. Just yesterday she was shooting with Steven Meisel, and he wanted her to hold poses for so long that she started to shake. Her mind goes somewhere else, she says, like the year 2020, when we all live in Tymerica and anxiously await our daily delivery of Tyra Mail, and kneel before the fat-ass altar and give it a kiss, in Her name.
Clark is , and Miss J. just calmly says, "...Something about your skin color..." Clark admits that she might have gone a little overboard on the bronzer. She is positively eggshell to Jay Manuel, though. Regrettably, Clark's picture is pretty good. Tyra says that a lot of her film has her looking like a local girl who will never leave L.A., but this photo shows a girl who could work in Europe. Rats. Even though she didn't do anything objectionable in this episode, I think we're still safe in wishing her ill.
Then we have Isis, who is quite frankly looking busted. Tyra tells her so. She has to look more like a model, and not just a normal girl. Isis needs to win a shopping spree or something. To stores where she doesn't usually shop. With a bonus weave-shopping spree. Nigel likes Isis' photo, and says she looks like she's falling but she's in power. Tyra thinks that there's confidence on her face, and it's sexy but fashion at the same time. Paulina totally disagrees. She doesn't like the arms one bit. Marjorie is , and her accompanying jaunty accordion music. Her photo gets a round of ooohs and ahhhs and ooh la las. Nigel says that there's confidence in her face. Tyra thinks it's great that Marjorie is a chameleon, and can look entirely different when you throw a wig on her. Tyra points out that Marjorie looks more and more nervous as she gets her good critique. Marjorie shakes her head no, nervously. Miss J. tells her to bring the Marjorie that's in the photo to judging. is Elina, also the challenge winner for the week. The judges think that her photo is stunning, and kind of like Angelina Jolie as a model.
up is Sheena. Miss J. tells her that she looks like Victoria's Secretions. Yes, everyone, Sheena still looks like a hooch. Tyra tells her that if she makes it to week, she needs to put her hair in a ponytail and cover up a little. Nigel thinks that her photo is unexpected. Tarina adds that it's goddess-like and beautiful. Then Paulina busts out with, "I'm sorry, are your breasts fake?" Sheena laughs nervously and says that no, they're just big. Paulina notes that it isn't so much the size as the placement. She has a point. Tyra tells Sheena to make it concave, and not stick them out. Sheena gives a "Yes, ma'am," and we move on. For now.
Brittany is . Nigel thinks that her photo is pretty, but average-pretty. Tyra adds that it looks like a high-end catalogue. And as we all know, you do not want to hear the word "catalogue" unless it is being shouted by Benny Ninja as part of a posing challenge. Last but not least is Joslyn. Her photo is fierce. Nigel thinks it's a great shot, and Tarina loves that it looks so effortless. Tyra notes that Joslyn has an aggressive style of modeling. It's good, but Tyra also doesn't want Joslyn to hear this praise and become all monster-like in future shoots.
And then! Just when you think it's all over, Sheena comes forth. She says that something isn't sitting well with her, and she can't leave without getting it off of her mind or -- more appropriately -- her chest. She wanted to be forthright about the breast situation. Nigel quizzically asks if they're not real, and Sheena says that of course they're not. She was young, she says, and it was a foolish decision. Tyra interrupts her to note that she knew all along that the boobs were fake. However, what she finds beautiful is that Sheena stepped forward to tell the truth. Nigel actually looks disgusted right now as he gives her a dismissive clap. I guess he likes his ladies natural.
Oh! And then we get "Top Models in Action!" Season one's Shannon is signed with Elite Model Management, and has been busy posing for publications like Teen Vogue. In 2007 she married a fellow model, and they were featured in some sort of wedding magazine. And hey! This means that Shannon can finally bang and be banged! Oh, good for her.
The judges deliberate. Analeigh is interesting, says Tarina, who is interested to see what she'll do . Samantha is showing potential, but needs a makeover. Hannah is very charming, says Nigel, who is apparently a terrible judge of charm. Her picture is good, but it's not fantastic. Nikeysha's face is lovely in her photo, but otherwise is not good. Tarina brings up what a weirdo Nikeysha was at the challenge. Nigel postulates that Nikeysha is so skinny because she exercises her mouth so much. Lauren Brie has one of the best pictures in Top Model history. Sheena was vulgar during the challenge, says Tarina, and Paulina cracks on how Sheena forgot that her breasts aren't real. However, she gets points for admitting the truth in the end. McKey has some potential, but Miss J. thinks they might have to box it out of her. Clark did better than expected, but needs to de-orange. Isis' photo was okay, but she's falling apart in person. Marjorie's picture is good. Elina's is fantastic, and Tyra thinks she looks like she's in Top Model advance prep school. Brittany has a lot of potential that she didn't use. Tyra says that Brittany hasn't yet proved that she can be high-fashion, but she has proved that she can make a million dollars a year doing catalogue. Joslyn's photo was great. And with that, the judges have reached a decision.
Thirteen beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has 12 photos in her hands. And they represent the 12 girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. The first name to be called has the best photo, and of course it's Lauren Brie. She'll get her photo displayed digitally in the house. Elina is called , followed by Joslyn, Marjorie, McKey, Samantha, Sheena, Hannah, Clark, Brittany, and Analeigh. This leaves Isis and Nikeysha in the bottom two. Oh no, not Isis! I still maintain that she was thrown off by her hormone shots. In any case, Nikeysha's film has been mediocre for two weeks. The issues that the judges have with her have to do with her interrupting all the time, which she tries to do again until Tyra shuts her down. She needs to learn to listen. And then there's Isis, who was at the top of the pack last week. When she walked in to the judging room, she did not look like a model at all. And when the judges see that, they wonder if her good pictures are just a fluke. However, it is Isis who gets the photo. She gives Nikeysha a hug before going to take her photo.
As Isis walks up to Tyra, Nikeysha says that she guesses she'll go home and be an anesthesiologist. You can guess how well Tyra likes that. Nikeysha starts going on about how she really wants to model, and Tyra tells her twice that there's truth in jest before telling her to shut the hell up and let Isis have her moment. Tyra then gives Nikeysha a hug. Nikeysha laments that she didn't get to show Miss J. her walk. Tyra tells her to hurry up and do it. Her walk is nothing special, and Tyra dismisses her, all the while thinking, "Don't let the door hit you in the mouth when you leave. Or perhaps do." In her exit interview, Nikeysha blubbers and blathers on so long that the credits roll and a clock starts ticking. Those poor editors.
week: makeovers, bitches!
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