In this episode, we get to say goodbye to not one but two models who are busted and broke-down, and not in the good way that Miss J. is always talking about. It’s runway week, and Miss J. meets the girls at the bowling alley for a runway teach. Hannah is crazy-looking, Samantha is bow-legged and Elina is a control freak. Isis, however, is confident about her runway walk and ready to work it in the week’s challenge. All of the girls, however, get a little more than they bargained for as they enter their challenge at a runway show for track-suited, top-hat-wearing designer Jeremy Scott. Not only will they be blindfolded walking down the runway, one girl will also be eliminated immediately after the challenge. The stakes are high, as evidenced by Seventeen’s Ann Shoket making her first appearance of the season. No one falls off the runway, sadly. McKey manages to rock a curtain rod, Isis maintains her confidence, and Joslyn looks foxy in a foxy dress. On the flip side, Hannah is a mess and Samantha lifts up her dress at the end of the runway despite Jeremy’s repeated warnings not to. Joslyn ends up winning the challenge, and her prize is an advertorial shoot in Seventeen. And it's Hannah who is forced to pick up her beans and keep on rolling as she gets the post-challenge boot. She leaves without much ado at all. The whole thing is weird.
The shoot for the week takes place at the girls’ house. They will be photographed from the eyes up in the pool, and it’s Nigel who will be taking the pictures. Some of the girls really manage to be expressive with their eyes, just like Tyra always talks about, while others use their bodies in innovative ways to enhance the shot. Clark successfully flirts with Nigel and Analeigh finally turns it out. Marjorie looks like a sea mammal, which may or may not be a good thing. Elina gets stuck, and Isis is preoccupied with her bits coming unstuck. [Despite her bits not even being in the picture! - Zach] Neither makes for a great photo. At panel, Jeremy Scott’s utter hatred and disdain for Samantha puts her in the bottom two along with the increasingly unimpressive Isis. It is Isis who is sent home. It’s very sad, but totally the right decision, and her gracious exit reminds us why it was so good to have her there in the first place.
Previously on ANTM: Makeovers! There was, as Rob Base predicted, joy and pain, sunshine and rain. You know who doesn't like rain? Elina, because her big curly McDonald fro will frizz to the sixth floor. Isis and Hannah had some hard times during a swimwear photo shoot due to package worries and crazy eyes, respectively. But it was Brittany who got the boot back to Vegas. Eh, at least she can see Cher at Caesar's as many times as she wants. Eleven bitches remain!
We begin with the girls entering their house at night. They see Elina's first place photo on the plasma screen, and she is happy. Analeigh shares with Marjorie and Hannah that she's afraid she's going to wind up in the bottom two again. It's a terrifying experience, she tells us, and even though she tried to hide her tears a few escaped. While this makes me feel a little bad for Analeigh, Hannah has no sympathy. She busts out with, "I feel like you guys are always wallowing. I am so over the pity party." Yeah, I mean God. It's not like they got practically gang raped or anything. Marjorie tells Hannah that she's being insensitive. And really, you are in this house either to bitch at people or listen to other people bitch. Just deal with it. Hannah confessionalizes that Analeigh and Marjorie get so wrapped up in the negatives that they can't remember the positives. She looks and sounds so much like a big annoying buck-toothed cartoon character right now, I can't even tell you. She continues by saying, "I don't understand pity parties. You pick up your beans and you keep on rolling." She even has her own catch phrase! About beans, beans the musical fruit, no less.
Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow your model dreams could end up in the gutter! Love, Tyra." Analeigh is apparently a genius, and deduces that they'll be doing runway walks in the bowling alley. This comes to pass the day, when the girls meet Miss J. at a bowling alley called Lucky Strike. Miss J. relives his pre-Tyra days by disinfecting shoes behind the counter. These shoes, however, are fierce bowling heels. Hannah is amazed, as they don't have stiletto bowling shoes in Alaska. Miss J. tells the girls that runway is about precision, because models walk on every surface possible. Today, of course, they'll be sliding and gliding in lane number four. Does this whole thing make you want to go to rock n' bowl or what? My local lanes have karaoke in the bowling bar on rock n' bowl night. You know you're moving to Cranston, Rhode Island, bitches.
Meanwhile, Isis has some friends of her own and is talking to them. She says she finds that a lot of women are intimidated by her. McKey notes that this is probably because Isis does "girl" better than most girls and everybody laughs. McKey continues that she doesn't think about whether she believes what Isis is doing is right or wrong, because it's not her choice to make. She interviews that Isis is always going to have people talking about her, and just has to stay strong. Isis says that people can think what they want, but when she's on the runway they can't tell her nothing. She's here for the long run, she says, and someone - McKey, I guess - says, "You're one of us, Isis." I don't know that I'd take that particularly as a compliment, but Isis seems to enjoy it nonetheless. Commercials.
When we return, the girls are practicing runway all over the house in preparation for what they assume is a runway challenge. Analeigh tells us that at this point it's vital that she start making her way up. The girls head to what appears to be a bank building, where they meet Miss J. He confirms that they will indeed have a runway challenge, and that they'll be wearing the clothing of a very talented designer, who also happens to be one of Miss J.'s closest and dearest friends. Please don't tell us it's Tyra in disguise. But nay, it's Jeremy Scott, who rocks the house in a top hat and track suit. He tells the girls that they'll be walking in the vintage bank because his collection is inspired by opulence and wealth. Ah, so that explains the top hat. Except not really. In any case, the girls are also going to portray cat burglars. It's like The Great Muppet Caper! But will Hannah really be able to get the baseball diamond to Nicky Holiday successfully? I do look forward to the moment when Tyra comes crashing through the window on a motorcycle. A free night at the Happiness Hotel for everybody!
The girls get their hair, makeup and wardrobe done. McKey has to wear a red velvet toga with a curtain rod attached to it. Jeremy Scott asks her how she feels and she says, "Amazing." She looks like the Ghost of Christmas Present, which I guess could be considered amazing in some sense. Samantha practices her walk in the hallway and pulls her short dress up in a manner that she seems to consider sexy. Jeremy says to her, "You're raising your dress. Do not model like that." Except we don't see his lips move, so he may or may not have said it to her directly.
As the girls are getting ready, Miss J. calls them together to tell them that there's a twist to the challenge: they'll be blindfolded. Everyone is shocked and Hannah, who just learned to walk yesterday, can't believe the gosh-heck-darn that this is happening. Miss J. then announces that Jay Manuel and Ann Shoket, the editor-in-chief of Seventeen, will be the judges for the challenge. You know that the only reason that Seventeen still agrees to be part of this madness is because Ann Shoket loves to see herself on TV. Ann tells the girls that the challenge winner will get to shoot a Seventeen advertorial for Kira Plastinina, and will get to bring along two friends to boot. Sheena interviews that Kira Plastinina is a 15-year-old designer from Moscow. She sees Kira's success as evidence that you can do anything you want at any age if you have the right determination. Unless you are a 25 year old who wants to be America's Top Model. Sorry, old hags!
And then, the other stiletto drops. Jay tells the girls that it's time to get serious and ramp up the competition. Thus, the girls will have to walk tonight like it's their last runway show. Because, indeed, it will be one girl's last challenge. No photo shoot, no panel. That unlucky bitch is going home tonight. Super secret surprise mid-episode elimination! I mean, it's a little shady, but that's why we watch, right? Sam tells us that she's freaking out. The girls get outfitted in their blindfolds, and McKey tells us that you can, in fact, see a little bit with them on. Rats! I was hoping that someone would fall right in Ann Shoket's lap, or at least chip a tooth.
The show begins with a hunky male cat burglar descending from a balcony and opening the bank vault. There actually appears to be an audience for this show, which is both surprising and exciting. Elina emerges first and walks the plank/runway. She seems to do a pretty good job, and interviews that walking on the runway is one of the best natural highs you can get - even if you suck, you feel so cool. Analeigh is in a truly hideous French-maid-slash-pioneer-schoolmarm dress. Analeigh, despite the blindfold, was smiling with her friggin' eyes and had all the confidence in the world, she tells us. Then there's Samantha. She bowlegs down the runway. And then! In slow motion! We see her lift her dress up, exactly as Jeremy allegedly told her not to do. The Jays and Ann cover their faces in shame. Backstage, Jeremy says that he told Samantha fifteen times not to do that. In Samantha's defense, she's wearing black leggings, and that thing is a shirt.
Sheena is , and works it like you knew she would. Clark walks and Jay snarks, "Is the military in town?" I think Lauren Brie looks a little weird, but we hear no commentary about her so I guess she's fine. Marjorie has a really tight dress on, but still manages to broken-down-doll it. The Jays laugh at her, so I don't know if that's good or bad. Joslyn is conscious of not being too dramatic - she says her game plan was to walk straight, do some cute poses and go back. She actually does look pretty fierce. Hannah is a fucking nightmare. She walks like a robot with bombs for testicles. She blames it on nerves, and says she forgot everything she might have picked up on. Isis is , and tells us that runway is her thing and the crowd went crazy when she walked. She thinks she has this competition in the bag. McKey does as well as one can do while wearing a curtain rod. And with that, the show is complete!
And now for the moment of truth slash doom. Miss J. tells them that overall they did pretty damn good. Analeigh was fantastical and fabulous. Jay says that this was the first time he saw the girl from casting step out in front of him. And with Bride of Frankenstein pioneer schoolmarm hair, no less! Samantha's arms were going like a windmill, and then the dress rode up, and it was oh no's all around. The crowd loved Joslyn's energy, says Jay, and Ann Shoket calls Joslyn, who is wearing a dress with foxes on it, a foxy lady. That's the kind of linguistic innovation you'd expect from the editor-in-chief of Seventeen. Hannah looked a bit nervous. She admits that she kept feeling like she was falling off the runway, and Ann points out that she looked scared. It was bad. Ann announces the challenge winner. It's Joslyn! Oh, good for her. She really has grown on me. She lets out a "Thank you, Jesus!" and tells us that her adrenaline is pumping.
And now for the bad news. Well, let's wait and determine if we really feel that what's about to happen is bad or good, shall we? Jay is going to eliminate someone right now, bitches, for real for real. He and Miss J. talked it over. And they determined...that Hannah gets the boot! I mean, not that I'm secretly thrilling inside or anything. Hannah whines, "I'm really sad right now!" Oh, is that a pity party I hear? Methinks Hannah has some beans to collect. Hannah is worried that she disappointed her family, though she knows that they're so proud of her already. Well, they can't watch the show in Town Without Electricity, Alaska. She should just tell them that she won. She tells us that she's learned a lot about herself - primarily that she's racist - and a lot about other people - primarily that they all think she's racist. She tried her hardest, she says, and that's all you can do. And then she's gone. Seriously. No more fanfare than that. Don't you secretly think that Tyra just started watching some footage and put her two brain cells together to come up with a way to get this bitch out?
And there's not even a commercial after Hannah is eliminated! Burn. Instead we see Joslyn, Sheena and Isis head off to meet Kira Plastinina and do their advertorial shoot. Kira is adorable and, in case you didn't hear it the first time, fifteen years old, and makes me feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life. The shoot seems to go pretty well. Yay, Joslyn!
Back at home, there is yet more Tyra Mail: "This competition is deep. Some will rise above, and some will go under. Love, Tyra." Sheena deduces that this is a photo shoot, and it's going to be fierce. Marjorie and Analeigh talk. Marjorie says that Hannah really improved but was the obvious choice to go home. Analeigh can't even suspend her pity party for a moment in honor of her former comrade, and says that while she used to be excited about the photo shoots, now she's just nervous. She's the only one who's not doing well, she says. The girls with similarly bad critiques are now all gone. She knows she has to improve and bring back the girl the judges saw in casting. The first step is getting her confidence back. Marjorie tells Analeigh that she can't go home as we head to commercials.
And then it's Whitney's "My Life As a Cover Girl" ad. In case you were wondering, New York is a place to be seen, to be found, and to take in. Whitney is getting to know the city, which conveniently appears to have about three residents as she's biking through it. She says there's nothing better than being the big thing. How would she know?
The morning, Jay Manuel - fully decked out in porn gym shorts and a wife-beater - surprises the girls at their house with a wake-up call. Turns out they're having a photo shoot at their house! Elina thinks this is great news, because it's comforting to have the shoot on their own turf. I don't know. With all the bad vibes these bitches throw, I feel like a production assistant should be waving a smudge stick around on the hour. Jay calls the girls out to the pool, of which he is now the lifeguard, and asks how many times at panel Tyra asks them to smile with their eyes. If any of these girls knew the infinity symbol, they'd be making it right now. He tells the girls that they'll be shot from the nose up, in the water! Isis is nervous, because she's never really done the "pool thing" with a bikini on. However, she tells us that she's not going to let this water shoot make her lose her personality again. I say that you just let that thing flop around if it must and leave it to the retouchers to take care of.
Jay introduces the photographer for the shoot, whom he says cares more about their eyes than any other part of their body. And the photographer is Nigel, making Jay's last statement patently untrue. Analeigh tells us that Nigel is sexy in a wetsuit. Despite myself, I have to admit that he kind of is. Nigel tells the girls that there is nothing more important than their eyes, which are also the windows to their soul. They are sometimes blue and crying in the rain. Sometimes they're private and watching you. Sometimes they're of the tiger, rising up to the challenge of a rival. He tells them they can express any emotion with their eyes, but the one non-negotiable is that they have to bring it. Nigel then says, "Are you ready to get wet?" Yeah.
The girls go into hair and makeup. They're getting crazy fierce eye makeup, the better with which to provide a transparent view into their souls. McKey is first in the pool. She seems to be wearing only some nude undergarments, so I guess the idea is that they're supposed to look like they're naked under the water. McKey is nervous, as she only has two looks with her eyes: the squint, and the wide open. There's also the "twitching thing," but she wisely chooses not to use that option. To be fair to McKey, she seems to have dental floss hanging over one eye, which must be distracting. Upon her last frame, Jay just says, "Hmm." That's not good!
up is Joslyn. She looks really awkward, and Nigel has to ask her a couple of times if she's okay. Jay notes that it almost looks like she's drowning. Nigel confirms with Joslyn that she can't swim. He says he knew from the get-go that she couldn't swim. A model doesn't have to be able to do everything, he tells us, but it's worth making the photographer and crew aware when you can't do something. Joslyn sputters and coughs in agreement. is Clark, who does surprisingly well. At one point Nigel says to her seductively, "What are you thinking right now?" Clark says she's thinking that she's lying on a bed. Jeebus. Jay tells us that Clark made it come alive with her body language and her eyes. He adds that what she was doing was straight-up flirting with Nigel. You know Clark likes them bald and pervy, to remind her of grandpappy.
Marjorie is , and Jay tells her to use her body. She does her usual broken-down hunchback thing, and Jay loves it. He says that she almost looks like a sea mammal coming out of the water, and means it as a compliment. He tells her that she's genius. Marjorie stays strong for yet another week! She's really rocking it. Isis is , and reminds us that until she has her gender reassignment surgery, she has to take care of some extra things that the other girls don't have to worry about. For instance, she has three pairs of undergarments on, just in case the wang tape starts to peel off. Poor Isis. I do see how this might be distressing. She's very nervous, and it affects her shoot. Jay tells her that she's looking sleepy, then interviews that her nervousness can definitely translate to the photographer. To top it off, she has a droopy Cyclops eye. The hormone shots are not going to help that, unfortunately.
Analeigh is up . She tells us that this is an extremely important shoot for her, and she either has to kill it or go home. And she kills it! Jay exclaims, "Finally, the model comes to life!" She finally stepped up her game, he says, adding that sometimes it pays to be in the bottom two because you wake right up. Analeigh tells us, "I'm high on life right now, yo." Was she secretly raised by DJ Jazzy Jeff or something? Then we have Sheena, who says that she's ready to go to war. And she kills it too. Jay tells her that what she's doing is so pretty, and Nigel points out that Sheena is so good that he's silent. And she doesn't look like a hooch! Well, her body with the exception of one leg is all underwater, so that probably helps to tone the hooch down.
Lauren Brie is and manages to get her legs up in some crazy places. She's like a synchronized swimmer! In his pervy way, Nigel compliments her on her nimbleness. Lauren Brie then does some cool stuff with her arms. She basically kills it once again. Elina is up , with what looks like lobster tentacles coming from her eyes. After several shots, Nigel asks her to surprise him with something different, because her shots are all looking the same. Elina says that she's stuck, and Jay gives her the innovative advice to think outside the box a bit. Cliché and unhelpful is totally his thing. Nigel interviews that Elina admitted she got stuck, which is okay, but still she gave them nothing. At the end of her shoot, Nigel tells her that she shouldn't have to be guided with what to do with her fingers and that sort of thing. If I had a nickel for every time he's said that to a 19-year-old.
Samantha is , with a leafy crown on her head. After a few shots, Jay asks her what thing she can do with her body that's really unique. She starts doing some more physical poses, and Jay likes how animalistic she is. He interviews that she brought something very new to the table. She made it work, which is especially impressive as she managed to be unique while also being the last girl to shoot. And with that, it's a wrap!
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail! A bitch is going home. Make that another bitch. I totally forgot that Hannah was ever even a part of this show! The girls all gleefully bid goodbye to Elina's plasma screen photo, and she looks kind of peeved about it. Elina shares with Sheena that she didn't do well in her photo shoot. She's upset about that, because she likes to be able to perform without help. She hates asking for help - surprise, surprise - and so it really got to her. Elina interviews that this was her worst photo shoot, and so she's very nervous. Sheena tells her that she still could have gotten a good shot, particularly given her lovely face and eyes. Elina does not seem convinced.
Meanwhile, Isis is on the phone with her godfather, Tremaine. She tells him that things are getting really, really hard, and she's not translating to pictures. Tremain tells Isis that she's the person who can set herself up for failure, and also the person who can make herself accomplishments. Linguistically that last part was a little awkward, but let's just go with the spirit of the sentiment. It's not what she is, he says, it's who she is. It's not what they think she is, it's who she knows she is inside. What I believe he's saying is that she should rise above the tranny slot that 19 Productions has carved out for her and be the fully awesome human being that she is inside. I imagine that being typecast as the transgender person, or the lesbian, or the ghetto girl, or the plus-size model, or the girl who is legally blind or won't stop crying about her weave can really get to you at some point. Isis seems to be heartened by his advice. She interviews that she's still nervous about going home this week, but she gave her all, so whatever's going to happen will happen. Tremaine tells Isis to make the judges understand why she's the goddess that she is. And unless she believes it, he says, they're not gonna see shit. I totally want Tremaine to be my life coach! With this, we head to commercials.
We enter panel with video footage of Tyra's version of the week's shoot. It involves her drinking water from a glass while fully clothed. But her eyes are saying, "I'm practically naked in a pool!" Tyra acknowledges the surprise elimination, which leaves ten girls in front of her now. It just goes to show, she says, that you think you know Top Model, but you have no idea. Girl, I have been recapping this shit for nine seasons. I have an idea. There are prizes, there are judges. Jeremy Scott is the guest judge for the week. Joy. He seems like a Class A d-bag. With a mullet and very tiny bangs. Maybe that's why he was wearing the top hat before.
Oh, but wait. Before we get to panel, we have to have a story from Grandma Tyra. Apparently the idea for this photo shoot came when Tyra and her friend Robin went to Mexico for vacation. They took all these "crazy fun pictures," because they love to model all the time, and then they took some more crazy fun shots with their lips and noses under the water. And Tyra looked at Robin and said, "Robin, I'm going to do this for a photo shoot for America's Top Model." I guess you never know at which retarded moment of your life inspiration will strike. And P.S., Tyra is still prettier than you.
Samantha is last up. Tyra tells Samantha that she has a gift of her hands. There's no model working now or recently who does the things that she does with her hands. Jeremy loves the photo, and in fact thinks it's one of the best, however she did the worst in the runway show. She was touching her body and raising her dress, which made Jeremy seethe. He notes that perhaps with the blindfold on she thought there was a pole at the end of the runway. He only wishes that strippers would wear his ugly ass clothes. He really lays into Samantha, saying that she was representing him as a designer, and that it's not her show and she's not a rock star. Tyra is happy that Jeremy is being so passionate, because it makes the models understand that they are modeling for a designer, and the designer's reputation is on the line. This is a business first, she says. Samantha looks like she kind of wants to cry, but doesn't. Good for her.
And then it's time for Top Models in Action! Remember ? After spending two months overseas, Chantal now resides in L.A. and is signed with Nous model management. Apparently she has been working nonstop. For example, she just posed for a KMS national hair campaign. You know that this "Top Models in Action" spot seemed like a good idea until the producers realized that after Toccara and Shannon things get pretty bleak.
The judges deliberate. As Tyra says, it's time to decide who's going back to their hizzle for shizzle. No, she actually said that. She's black as the night is long, isn't she? Sheena has fierce, powerful eyes. Miss J. brings up the boxing thing for McKey, for no reason at all. Elina was stuck, and sucked. Miss J. and Paulina stick up for her decision to announce that she was stuck. Analeigh did a great job, and it's a good thing, because Paulina would have voted her off otherwise. Joslyn was a mess at first, but once Nigel taught her the magic secret of how to hold her breath underwater, she did a good job. Marjorie's photo is interesting and different, according to Nigel, but Paulina thinks she looks like the Headless Horseman drowning in a pool of his own blood. Tyra thinks that's fierce. Lauren Brie's photo is stunning. Isis tries so hard to blend in with everyone else, says Paulina, that she's becoming forgettable. Tyra agrees, saying that Isis is scared to stand out. In her position, says Paulina, she has to stand out or there's nothing there. Clark's eyes were the most powerful of the bunch, says Nigel. Tyra notes that Clark is very confident, and that there's maybe a little bit of cockiness in there as well. Samantha's modeling is good, according to Paulina. Jeremy notes that her walking is a combination of a truck driver and a stripper, and then she's pulling her dress up to boot at the end of the runway. He calls the whole incident shocking and inappropriate, and says that she needs to know the difference between a fashion show and a strip show. Did a stripper beat him up when he was a little kid or something?
The girls return and stand before Tyra. There are ten of them, but she only has nine photos in her hands. And the first one goes to...Clark. Oh, drat. I think the photo was so good because you can't see two-thirds of her face. Tyra then calls Analeigh, followed by Lauren Brie, Sheena, McKey, Marjorie, Joslyn, and Elina. This of course leaves Samantha and Isis in the bottom two. Last season on Top Model, Isis stood out in the background of a photo. But from week to week she continues to look sleepier and sleepier in her film. Is she coasting into nothingness because she's afraid to stand out? And then there's Samantha. Blah blah stripper dress cakes. Isis gets the boot. Really, there was no other option. Tyra asks Isis what happened, and notes that she was supposed to go so far. And you know how it pains Tyra to deviate from the plan. But the girl that they saw last season never really showed up. Tyra tells her that she can be a model if she wants to, and is already an inspiration for the GLBT community. Miss J. has to confirm for her that she got the G, the L, the B and the T right. All the girls hug Isis. She confessionalizes her thanks for getting the opportunity to come and shine. There were so many obstacles, she says, but this experience was wonderful. She thought she would go further in the competition, but promises us that she's going to use all the notes that she got in every photo shoot she has from here on out. She's developed a strong backbone and a strong sense of character, and now she's going to go out there and make her dreams come true. Give her any chance, she'll take it. Read her any rule, she'll break it. Good luck, Isis.
week: Everybody is sick of Marjorie! And then my DVR cut off, so I don't know what other exciting thing is going to happen!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why Isis being on ANTM makes vloggers Val & Beth think TV is the Answer!