And lo, another season of America's Top Model has come to pass, much in the same vein of seasons past. Yes, it's formula finale time, as the three remaining contestants struggle their way through a Cover Girl commercial and ad that has something to do with fruit and spritzing and lip gloss. Chantal seems to have her lines down the best, while Jenah struggles and almost needs cue cards. Saleisha also has a hard time nailing her lines, and actually has to take a moment to cry without messing up her eye makeup. Just like Tyra told her to! Imagine that. The first elimination of the episode is super-awkward, as both of the other girls name Jenah as the model with the least potential, and the panel totally makes her cry and elicits some mama issues after she says that the fact that she isn't spewing rainbows doesn't mean that she's not a happy person. She gets eliminated, but wins the real prize of climbing that metaphorical wall and getting to know the self that's on the other side. Or something like that. Saleisha and Chantal are thus the final two, and have a Seventeen photo shoot before embarking on their final runway challenge. As for the final runway show, Top Model apparently took advantage of the cheap Chinese labor and hired 500 extras to, like, either sit around and pray to the sun or stand around on lead-painted stilts as the girls walk. Sadly, this meant that there was only enough money left over to hire three people to be in the audience. The clothes are truly gorgeous, though. Saleisha Tootie-stomps her way down the catwalk, while Chantal gets tripped up when one of the guys on stilts gets caught on her train and falls down boom. In the end, it is as we all grimly suspected, and Saleisha takes home the crown. We can only hope that she finds as much success as Naima in her burgeoning modeling career.
Previously on America's Top Model: Thirteen finalists took the competition to the level. The level being mediocrity, I suppose. And I mean, after nine seasons, did we expect any less? While some girls kicked ass, and Asperger's, many others just outright sucked from the beginning. Three girls have survived it all, and tonight one of them will be named America's Top Model. Tyra asks, "Will it be Chantal, the bubbly blonde from Austin, Texas?" Is that a rhetorical question? Chantal was supposedly good, then supposedly not as good, leading the judges to wonder if this Barbie blonde has what it takes to become extraordinary. Well, she has what it takes to fellate a lime popsicle, if nothing else. Or will it be Saleisha, Tyra asks, the California girl who came into the competition with confidence? Yes, the type of confidence you could only get at a camp for girls named after the part of your face that gets really shiny, or in a nationally aired Wendy's commercial. I'm just saying. Or will it be Jenah, the photogenic tomboy with the sarcastic streak and the horse teeth? Good photos, difficult attitude, etc. Can Jenah turn on the charm and prove she's there to win? This question is cut off very quickly, before Tyra starts cackling and says, Heat Miser-like, "I'm too much!"
We begin with Tyra Mail: "This competition is ripe for the picking! It's time to show me your flava! Love, Tyra." Ah, so the girls will be doing commercials for Cover Girl's new Flava Collection, designed by the one and only Flava Flav! It's the natural choice for people who want to look like burn victims. Chantal, however, believes that they'll be shilling for Cover Girl flavored lip glosses. Oh, fine. Saleisha interviews that getting to the final three is a big journey for her, and she's so proud of herself. Oh, I'm sure she is. She made it to the top with no advantage over the other girls whatsoever! You know, I think that Tyra actually gave Saleisha that hideous Tootie wig just to try to convince us that she really was being harder on Saleisha, because she's, like, her adopted daughter or whatever. It's a bob of lies, is what it is.
The girls all lounge together on a bed. Jenah tells Saleisha that if the two of them are in the bottom two, she thinks she'll go home. Meaning, Jenah will go home. Saleisha, totally knowing this is true, just kind of shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know. BOB OF LIES. Meanwhile, Chantal prattles on. Jenah interviews that going home is not an option, and she wants to win. She says she's held on and held on and held on this long, so it will really suck if she gets sent home at this point.
The three girls meet Jay Manuel, who welcomes them to paradise. In his ass. Parad-ass. No, no, it's just regular old paradise. Brent Poer from Cover Girl is there, and everyone knows what this means -- another Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot. I love how they couldn't even get one other corporate sponsor this year to do a commercial for. Not even Campbell's soup or Special K! They all pulled out because they could smell the fix! In any case, the winner will see the print ad she shoots today go national. The product being shilled is Cover Girl Wetslicks Fruit Spritzers. Wouldn't a fruit spritzer ideally be a drink involving white wine and, like, orange crush? What does this have to do with lip goo? In any case, Wetslicks Fruit Spritzers come in twelve colors, and each girl is going to represent one of the colors. And, Brent neglects to mention, flavors. My Bonne Bell Lip Smacker could totally beat down this so-called spritzer without even taking the cap off of its tube.
In any case, who knows better about shimmery shiny shimmer shine than Jaslene? Yes, she is there to give the girls some...tips? Chantal says that seeing Jaslene gave her the extra kick she needed -- she wants to be in Jaslene's cute yellow strappy shoes really badly. Hey, if she wants to risk a raging case of plantar warts, go for it. Jaslene sprouts advice as the girls get made up, but I can't quite seem to pay attention to her words, number one because of the deaf voice, and two because of the giant yellow fan she's waving around. What self-respecting drag queen would go to China without her giant fan? Jaslene tells the girls that they'll find out so many things about themselves by being in the competition. Like, for instance, that they're lacking a second X chromosome.
The girls memorize the script. Jenah asks with what can only be described as a sarcastic air why lemon is Chantal's favorite flavor. And, see, wouldn't you totally make fun of the stupid Cover Girl script, too? Jenah grew on me a little this episode, I'm not going to lie. Chantal, with, like, negative amounts of sarcasm, replies, "Because a spritz of citrus keeps me feeling fresh!" Wait, is there a Massengill tie-in here? Christian asks if the spritzers are fruity, and Jenah makes him put some on. He looks mildly horrified. Jenah interviews that she's very nervous, as they're shooting a real ad right now. She adds that it's terrifying, but also the most exciting thing. Almost exciting as having a nationally televised therapy session! But we'll get to panel in a few minutes.
Chantal shoots her commercial first. She interviews that she doesn't feel totally prepared to go out there and kill it. She starts with the spritzy, sparkling dialogue, "If my fortune cookie could say one thing, what would it be?" Hmm, "Prepare for a great disappointment," perhaps? Or, "Get a new destiny." And on the back would be the Chinese word for "Tootie." Chantal stumbles a little, but makes it all better by crinkling her nose. Her favorite spritzer is lemon splash. Jay tells her to sound less like she's reading lines, and less like she's a dumb model. Good luck on that second part. She ends the commercial saying that Wetslicks Fruit Spritzers are "a delicious fortune of refreshing shine." What the hell does that even mean? Is it an anagram? Does it sound out, "Suck on this, Saleisha is your new God now," if you read it backwards? And what was her fortune? I hate cliffhangers! Jay and Brent tell Chantal that her take was awesome, and she interviews that she embodies the essence of a Cover Girl quite well -- she's friendly, loves life, and, most importantly, loves delicious fruity lip gloss. I'm with her on that last part, in any case.
Jenah is up , and it's so obvious that she's going to get the boot, as they didn't even bother to touch up her roots for the Cover Girl commercial. That is truly a travesty. She acts bubbly for Brent. At least she's trying. As soon as she says, "Take one," crickets chirp. Yes, she forgets everything. She rips through a bunch of takes, until she gets to eleven. Brent suggests that she go to cue cards, but Jenah protests. She thinks that cue cards signify that she can't learn lines, and she doesn't want to be "that girl." She asks for one more take, and appears to nail it. She takes a bite of a piece of fruit at the end, and it kind of falls out of her mouth and she giggles. Jay says she was the most likeable in that take. You can hear the silent, "For you," at the end. Jenah interviews that she did her part the best she could. I mean, given the roots and the fact that she's wearing a hot pink dress rivaled only by the copious amounts of blush on her cheeks, it was a valiant effort. Jay tells Jenah that he's afraid people will misread her insecurity for being bitchy, and interviews that she came off looking snotty and over the situation, which is something she should watch out for. I thought she seemed likeable enough in the commercial, but then again my favorite Fruit Spritzer flavor is Blueberry Bitchbalm, so maybe I'm not the best judge.
Saleisha is , and Brent tells her she looks gorgeous. She interviews that she feels confident and excited, and she's waited forever for this. She's waited forever to bumble her lines? And to torture us with her uber-annoying voice? If her fortune cookie could say one theeeng, what would it be? Who knows, but in any case, it would be accompanied by a kicky head nod. Oh wait, but we finally find out what the fortune cookie says! "You'll get a refreshing lip gloss that's virtually shine free." ...In bed? But wait...don't you want some shine from a product called Wetslicks? I'm so confused right now. Brent tells Saleisha that he needs to see her twinkle. That is a dirty old man statement if I ever heard one. Saleisha says she needs a second because she's going to cry. She goes and sits to Jay and Brent and puts her head in her hands as we head to commercial.
When we return, Saleisha is on take seventeen and asks if she can take a minute. Oh, take seventeen, eh? Where are her cue cards? She interviews that she's taking Tyra's advice to go off set if you need to cry. She doesn't mention the part about not ruining your makeup, though I'm sure that's taking up at least 15% of her hedgehog-sized brain. Jay tells Saleisha that he knows Saleisha is in there and can overcome it. And then, like, Saleisha can't even muster up an actual tear for her fake breakdown. She says that everything is getting to her, and the final three girls are there, and anyone can take it. She doesn't want to see anyone take her dreams out of her hands. Jay tells her he knows she can do it, and then, of course, she talks about her favorite flavor, tangerine splash, which is summery and sweet just like her, without once stumbling. Jim Deyonker shoots the corresponding Cover Girl ad, which involves posing innocently yet seductively with fruit slices. Jenah says she's a little worried about panel, but at this point, whatever happens, happens. From a different interview, as evidenced by her completely different makeup, she says she can't freak herself out. She has no qualms about freaking us out with her buck fangs, however.
And then, panel! Oooh, so fast, this first elimination. Tyra tells the girls that this is the second most important judging this cycle. Three will be narrowed down to two, and those two who are left standing will walk to the death in a Qi Gang haute couture fashion show. As soon as she said "walk to the death," I got kind of excited, but then I realized it was probably a metaphor and was desolate once again. Qi Gang himself is the guest judge. Tyra says that the panel wants to see how knowledgeable the girls are about their competition. Oh, knowledgeable, my ass. This is all about seeing whose back each girl will stab, and/or who is the undercover bitch of the house.
Saleisha is called up first, and Tyra asks who has the most potential to be America's Top Model. Saleisha is, of course, seasoned enough to say that she has the most potential, and that even though she had a rocky start to the competition, she became stronger. When asked who has the least potential, Saleisha says Jenah. Saleisha thinks that Jenah takes beautiful pictures, and lies that she loves her, but says that, in her personality and how she carries herself, Jenah can be very rude and disrespectful. Jenah looks like she wants to get rude and disrespectful on Saleisha's ass. Chantal is called, and is wearing giant overalls. She thinks she has the most potential, because she can fit twenty-seven couture dresses in one pantleg alone. And also, she was made for modeling and loves everything about this industry and would be the best role model. It is true that generically pretty girls with slightly below average intelligence desperately need someone to look up to. Chantal thinks that Jenah has the least potential, and says that she doesn't know if she'd want her little sister to look up to Jenah, because she has an "I think I'm better than people" attitude. Maybe she actually is better than people. Did Chantal ever think about that?
With that, it's Jenah's turn. Poor Jenah. I have not been a sympathizer thus far this season, but now that's all changed. Jenah thinks she has most potential to be America's Top Model, because even though she's different from most cover girls, she feels like girls will be able to look at her and see that they are just like her. And, I mean, first of all, if your daughter is looking to a) a model; b) a reality show contestant; or c) both as a role model, then you are really a terrible parent and should look into some classes or something. Not to get all judgey, but God. And if your daughter is actually looking up to Tyra Banks as a role model, my vote would be to let the foster care system have at it. Jenah doesn't think that she has to be super-bubbly and cute, because she is an extremely happy person, and doesn't think that her laid-back attitude can hurt her, because laid-back girls can still be cover girls. Jenah thinks that Chantal has the least potential, because out of everyone, she's the most amateur. But she was given the modeling gift straight from God! It was His plan for her to have blunt bangs and narrow hips.
Saleisha is first up for evaluation. Her commercial shilling Tangerine Splash impresses Nigel. Saleisha smiled in her eyes the whole way through, which meant she believed in herself and what she was saying. Weird, I thought she had robot-eyes. Tyra notes that Saleisha's enunciation is occasionally poor, and calls out her pronunciation of "theeeng." I'm glad she said that, because "theeeng" drove me out of my mind. Jay said that Saleisha sounded robotic, and it took her twenty takes to get the lines right. Nigel is a big fan of Saleisha's photo, and Miss J. adds that doing a commercial shot is easy for Saleisha. Qi Gang, via his translator, thinks that Saleisha is making believe that her piece of fruit is delicious. That sounded really dirty. Tyra critiques Saleisha on her one cheesy smile. Saleisha looks a little nervous for a split second.
Chantal is . Nigel tells her that her technique is bad, but she does have sincerity, which is a useful talent. ["I love the idea that sincerity is a talent. 'You're incredibly good at seeming sincere! It's a gift!'" -- Miss Alli] Twiggy thinks that Chantal has natural charm in abundance. Her photo is good, and she's managed to have both a fantastic-looking neck and a more natural smile than in her last Cover Girl shoot. Jay said that Chantal has a girl--door quality that makes her relatable, and also an innocence about her. She is believable as a Cover Girl. She also might have a really small head. I just noticed this! She has camouflaged it well over eleven episodes.
And then, we have Berry Splash Jenah. All I can see are roots in her commercial. But all Tyra can see is that she thinks Jenah was making fun of the commercial the whole time. Oh, that's not true. Once they pick a story for someone, they really hammer it into the ground, don't they? It's almost as bad as my shenis jokes. Nigel tells Jenah that she's been saying from the get-go that she's not a Cover Girl. She has? She doesn't have a sprightly personality, and has to believe in herself. What does one have to do with the other, Nige? Twiggy notes that it seemed to hurt Jenah to get the criticism. Jenah says she hates being misunderstood by her friends. Tyra asks what they're misunderstanding. Jenah gets the crazy crack in her voice. Hoo boy, are we in for it. She says she hates that just because she's not running around smiling all the time, that makes others think that she's mean or that she thinks she's better than people. She says she doesn't have to spew rainbows incessantly for girls to want to be like her. That statement made me love her a little, and I am certainly going to incorporate "I don't have to spew rainbows incessantly..." into my self-referential lexicon at my earliest convenience. It bothers Jenah that Chantal said she wouldn't want her little sister to look up to her. Oh, but Chantal is a dumb-ass. Don't let it get you down, sister!
Oh, and then it all really goes down. Tyra asks Jenah why she thinks she has such armor up. Jenah totally takes the bait, and says she's used to having to be really strong. Tyra asks why, and Jenah says because she had to be a mom. Oh, they really wore her down, didn't they? Tyra asks if Jenah had to raise her family, and Jenah says that she had to raise her sisters. How did they not drag this out of her in casting? Miss J. says, "So then you have some inner resentment towards Mama?" Aw, man, that is so not right. You know you're going to boot the girl anyway, just let her leave with some freaking dignity. Jenah starts crying and says she hates this. She doesn't want to cry in front of the judges, because she doesn't want them to think she's weak. Tyra says she'd rather see a girl crying in front of her because she's hurt or might have missed a lot of her childhood than saying, "Dedededede! Dedededede!" O...kay. Oh, and then this: "Which one is more of a human being that's more likeable and vulnerable? This one probably feels a lot more uncomfortable, but it's a lot more real. The other one is just, like, protection." Oh, and then this: "Remember we did that photo shoot? And you wanted to find yourself -- you wanted to climb to the other side of the wall to find out who Jenah is? [flashback] ...You just did." Yes, everyone, Jenah has won the real prize of self-awareness. And who better to dole out this fantastical winning than Tyra Banks, who possesses it in spades. Jenah's photo gets positive feedback from the panel, even though it's not that great. No rainbows spewed.
We then get to see the truly retarded and, uncoincidentally, Saleisha-heavy, Cover Girl Wetslicks Fruit Spritzer commercial. It is followed by Jaslene's final My Life as a Cover Girl. She can't wait to see what comes . I've never seen a person so excited about relative obscurity! Te quiero.
When we return, the panel deliberates. Saleisha is absolutely gorgeous and looks young and delicious, according to Twiggy. Nigel thinks she's gotten so much better. Tyra says that Saleisha is a Cover Girl, but doesn't have being a high-fashion girl down. Jenah may have let her nerves get the better of her, says Nigel, but she did a 180 and said she was sorry. Miss J. thinks that Jenah has some issues that are being brought to the surface. Tyra thinks she has more self-awareness after today, thanks to the intervention of one Typrah Winbanks, and adds that she takes the best pictures out of the final three. Chantal's shot is beautiful, and she has the whole package, according to Twiggy. Qi Gang thinks that Chantal is the most flexible. Huh? We'll blame it on translation. Nigel thinks that Chantal is indeed the most amateur -- she's beautiful, but really doesn't know what she's doing.
The models return. Tyra has two photos in her hands. The first name she's going to call is...Chantal. Chantal starts crying out of joy, and says she's been dreaming about this for a long time. Jenah looks miserable, as she should. She and Saleisha step forward. Saleisha tries to squeeze out a tear to add some authenticity to the situation, but can't quite do it. Tyra says that when Saleisha came into the competition, the other girls all commented about her modeling experience. But then girls like Jenah, with hardly any experience, stomped all over her. But there's something about Saleisha that was special -- she had potential, and her photos got stronger and stronger. She says Saleisha's name about fifteen times in as many seconds. And then there's Jenah, who had hardly any experience, but came into the competition and took photos that rivaled those of today's top models. Well, I don't know if I'd go that far. Oh, dear. And then today, Jenah climbed to the other side of the wall and connected to who Jenah is. Tyra feels like she knows Jenah now. An, apparently, she still doesn't like her all that much, because Saleisha gets the photo and goes on to the finals. Everyone is bawling like a baby. Tyra tells Jenah that she can have a kick-ass career. She probably could, in which case it's fortuitous for her that she didn't actually win.
Jenah says that she hopes she made a breakthrough at panel. She had her guard up and was on the defense and scared of coming off the wrong way. She wanted to win really badly, but felt very different when she was there, because of all the pressure. There was a lot of Jenah that didn't come out because she was scared, and because this is hard. We see some shots form her portfolio, which was really pretty good. Good luck, Jenah! I liked you a whole lot better in comparison with the other jerks in the final three.
Jenah leaves, and Saleisha and Chantal get to go see Ann Shoket, perennially useless editor-in-chief of Seventeen. The girls will have a photo shoot, and the winner's photos will be featured in a cover spread for the magazine. Saleisha interviews that she loves Chantal, and we flash back to the two of them making a pinky pact to be the last two standing during casting week. And looking at the two of them in bikinis -- whoo, Chantal really does have a pretty sick body. And Saleisha may really be borderline plus-sized. Bianca pegged it, oh so many weeks ago. Back in the present, Saleisha says that at the same time, Chantal is her competition. She wants to win the competition, and she has to win this competition. And then, oh! An obviously bawling Chantal interviews that she's come so far and knows that nothing is going to stop her and hold her back. This is where she belongs, and she's supposed to be there. This interview was clearly filmed after she lost. The editing clues get subtler and subtler!
Chantal and Saleisha meet the two Jays at Taimiao, right to the Forbidden City. The concept of the fashion show will be to take the old -- the Qing dynasty -- merged all the way to the future. There will be 500 extras in Qing dynasty costumes, and the two finalists will represent the "new." Okay, first of all, it is true what they say about cheap Chinese labor if this show is hiring 500 extras. Second, it's no "Ghost Brides." Jaslene is opening the show. This gives her more opportunity to tell the girls tales of how she went to the bathroom crying during her finale, and said, "Oh my God, God, this is it." Winning America's Top Model has the opposite effect of kissing the Blarney Stone.
The girls are made up, and the 500 extras take their places. Tyra comes backstage with some crazy-ass hair that makes her fivehead look like a bona fide sixhead. She tells Saleisha and Chantal that they'll be walking on the world's longest runway. Is that in the Guinness Book of World Records? Is it as long as that crazy lady's fingernails? I thought not. The girls will each have three changes. Tyra gives them a hug and takes her seat in the audience. Of four. Jay tries to pump up the two finalists, despite the fact that nobody except the judges will be watching them. As each girl vows to stomp her ass off, Chantal takes a deep breath and we head to commercials. ["I was so completely confused by this sequence, dude. How is this a fashion show? Isn't it just...like a simulated fashion show? It was one thing when the audience was fakey-fake brought in just for show, but it's an illusion that was worth creating, because this was just SO WEIRD." -- Miss Alli]
When we return, the girls prepare for the show. Chantal wants to walk away from it knowing that she did her best and not having any regrets. Saleisha is ready, and says this is her destiny, so she's going to go out there and do it. Jay gives the useless advice to "do you," and with a gong, we begin. One ornately dressed extra welcomes...well, I don't know who, since no one is actually there in the audience...us, I guess?...to the Royal Fashion Show. Miss J. walks down the runway, followed by Twiggy and Nigel. And then, the extra yells, "Tyra Banks is now arriving!" She is followed by several extras, one of whom holds a mushroom parasol above her head, despite the fact that it's totally cloudy. And finally, we have some folks in stilts walking down the runway, and then flanking it. Don't sleep on the stilties; they will be important later.
The judges deliberate. Chantal and Saleisha were two of the most commercial girls in the competition, says Miss J., but if they want to go high fashion, he'd go with Chantal. Twiggy says that body-wise, Chantal has the edge. Nigel argues that Chantal is not in control of her body, whereas Saleisha is in charge. Nigel thinks that Saleisha is very good and doesn't need much training. Miss J. says that Chantal is too much in control of her body, which leads to her being stiff. Nigel is not a fan. Tyra is surprised that either girl got this far. Oh, sure she is. She says she thought they'd be going home kind of early. However, they've done so well, and she's proud of them. Both of them want it so much, and Tyra is afraid that she's going to crush the girl who does not win. Not literally, though if she came down at the right angle I'm guessing she could. The judges have reached a decision.
The girls return. Tyra points them to the screen where the winner's face will appear. And it's Saleisha. I mean, it's all pretty anticlimactic, isn't it? Chantal is awfully disappointed. She says she's hurt and really believed she was going to win. But it wasn't meant to be, and this wasn't the way she's supposed to make it. She's going to continue to work hard to reach her dreams. Meanwhile, Saleisha's all happy. We get some cute kid pictures of her, and she says that when she was younger, she was weird and had low self-esteem and just wasn't happy with her life. But now, thanks to the magic of Tyra Banks, she's grown into a strong young woman and is very happy with herself. She fought for this hard, and was so determined. Now that she has it, she's never going to let it go. She yells, "I'm America's Top Model, baby! Auuuughhhahahahaha!" as her wig sticks to her sweaty forehead. Yay?
And with that, another season comes to a close. I know there's been a bit of controversy over Saleisha's win. Do I think it was fixed? Well, yeah. But I think it's always kind of fixed, just sometimes less obviously so. But Saleisha is a pretty girl, and I'm sure that after a glamorous year of signing autographs at Walgreen's, she'll set the world on fire just like Naima, Dani, CariDee, Nicole, and Sue. Wait, was there actually a winner named Nicole? It's really impossible to say at this point. In any case, I hope you all rock the holidays fiercely, and with a glamorous smoky eye! I'll see you in Cycle 10, bitches. Love, Potes.