It's Cycle 10 of America's Top Model, bitches. Yes, I really said 10. Our little girl is a woman now! Our traditional group of 35 semifinalists makes their way to L.A. for a little screening and training by Tyra and the Jays. In a tribute to Britney Spears, or Catholicism, or Mo'Nique, or perverts, the girls have to dress in school uniforms as they are put through their paces. The big news is that Marvita is back, and has apparently had some therapy. Note that I didn't say the therapy took. But she's had it. The photo shoot and initial runway test show us that most of them are pretty busted, and particularly Brooklyn artist Lauren, who is this season's awkward girl ugly duckling. Other standouts include Polish Cornell graduate Katarzyna, Dominique (whom the other girls call a transvestite before I even get the opportunity), Model Barbie Kim, Anya with the weird accent, the girl from Wisconsin who tries so hard to be memorable, Claire who drinks her own breast milk, Muhammad Ali's niece Shayla, plus-sized Whitney (another plus-sized Whitney!), and Fatima from Somalia.
Fatima has some problems with the other girls, which start when she tells the African-American contingent that they're ghetto. And, like, not ghetto in a good way. Shayla wants to use some of her uncle's skills on Fatima, while self-proclaimed bitch Shalynda bristles when Fatima asks if she can actually call her "bitch." Good times. All is forgiven later on when Fatima pulls the old "I was a victim of genital mutilation" card. Everyone empathizes with and comforts an emotional Fatima. Except, that is, for Marvita, whose months have therapy have taught her that this is the appropriate time to ask if Fatima feels like less of a woman. There's an initial cut down to 20, in which Shayla is most memorably given the boot, and then the girls have to go through one more photo shoot involving a fur stole to determine the final 13. Can someone please verify that that thing's not fake so that PETA can start throwing eggs at Tyra? Marvita, awkward Heather, Fatima, and a bunch of other bitches make it through, and then Tyra drops a bomb that you won't believe: this year there will be 14 finalists! That means good news for Dominique, which in turn is good news for the fake tanning industry. Let us pray for an especially bitchilicious season as the girls return to where they really belong: New York City!
Bitches! It's Top Model Cycle 10. Our little show is, like, fifty-three in reality-TV years. There have been many memorable moments throughout the seasons, some of which involve one model calling another an alcoholic bitch and/or getting beer poured on her weave; some of which involve crying over a hideous new hairdo; some of which involve hypothermia and/or dehydration and/or the horror known as veneers; some of which involve tipsy tumbles on the runway; some of which involve plus-sized girls who will never actually stand a chance at winning; some of which involve exploiting the contestants' fear of heights; some of which involve snakes, cockroaches, and spiders; some of which, yes, it's true, involve the Jays. And then, of course, there's the winner, who's almost beside the point at this stage of the game.
In any case, the competition starts now! Thirty-five semi-finalists are on a school bus, reliving their days of paper fighting and harassing the poor toothless man who was probably paid, like, $3.15 an hour to haul their skinny asses around. And then! It's Marvita! You know. Marvita. She didn't make it on the show last year because she had some "anger issues." Girl, could you have imagined her and Bianca together? Marvita has been molested and raped, and generally has some issues in her past. It's super-sad. Nonetheless, she scares the shit out of me.
The girls are dropped off at a courtyard. They wait in front of an entrance, out of which walk...the Jays. All that buildup for these two hags? There is screaming and whooping, and one girls' eyes actually roll into the back of her head. It's like she saw Jesus, and He was orange. On this climactic note, we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls are still whooping about the Jays. Jennifer, age twenty-four, from Orlando -- also known as the One Who Has Been Saved -- tells us that Miss Jay is working it and that Mr. Jay is fine. I will give her that he's wearing his suit well. However, he looks like he's in Technicolor. Meanwhile, Miss Jay is wearing his best dowdy schoolmarm cardigan with a bow tie. Fierce. Mr. Jay tells the girls that school is now in session. Shaya, age eighteen -- from the improbably named Country Club Hills, Illinois -- says that she's happy about this because she studies fashion, she loves fashion, and she likes to create beauty. Because she's beautiful. Don't hate her because of it. Or do. What crap could I possibly give? Thirteen girls will make the final cut, say the Jays, and the others will be expelled. Maybe some really dastardly Children's Hour shit will start going down.
The girls head to a locker room, where they put on their uniforms. Yes, they have schoolgirl uniforms. Mo'Nique is all, "Tyra, you'd better step off of my shtick, because as many ribs as you eat, I can still crush your comparatively skinny ass." Amy, age twenty, from Bartlesville, Oklahoma, tells us that a lot of her friends think she's weird, but in a positive way. She looks at all the beautiful, interesting girls around her, and wonders what the heck she's doing there. I wonder where this mythical "there" is where beautiful and interesting girls are plentiful. Maybe she discovered a portal in one of the locker-room showers? Amy's face looks extra-crispy.
The girls take their initial round of photos. Katarzyna, age twenty-two, from Roslyn, New York -- but originally from somewhere much more Eastern European -- tells us that she went to Cornell. She thinks that this gives her an edge up on some of the other girls. Because, you know, brains and modeling go together like Mentos and Diet Coke. Marvita gets her picture taken and assures us that since last season, she's been working on herself and goes to therapy every Tuesday. The specificity in that statement leads me to believe that she's still a wackjob. We get a brief glimpse of Claire, who has half of a shaved head. And then there's Lauren, age twenty-two, from Brooklyn. She's a self-described punk and artist. She's been told that she should be a model, but always railed against it. Lauren wears a studded leather jacket that can only be described as rad. Though I'm generally suspicious of people who call themselves punks and/or artists, I'll give her a pass.
Allison, age eighteen, from Waunakee, Wisconsin, tells us with dead eyes that she's ready to annihilate the competition. She's a silent predator, she says. Except for the fact that she just told us she's going to kill everybody in their sleep. Try keeping it on the low, Vampira. We also meet Fatima, age twenty-one, from Boston. She was born in Somalia but grew up in the U.S. She says that she feels like an outcast sometimes, particularly in the African-American community. We have a brief encounter with Kim, who has a lot of pimples on her forehead and is apparently dumb as a jar of Noxzema.
The girls head into a classroom and sit. Their teacher, Miss J., enters and writes the name of their class on the chalkboard: Runway 101. Each girl will be evaluated on her walk according to a rubric that measures performance in categories ranging from "Fierce" to "Broke down." To make things more challenging, the girls will have to walk while wearing a very heavy leopard-print backpack. Lauren tells us that she is nervous because she has no experience on the runway. And how.
Miss J. gives the girls some tips, and they're off! First to walk is Shalynda, age twenty-three, from Washington, DC. This is her eighth time auditioning for Top Model She says that she has determination, and won't give up. I think turning that turning twenty-five and becoming ineligible to be a contestant on Top Model will be the best thing to ever happen to Shalynda. Claire, age twenty-four, from New York City, tells us that she's a mother and a wife, and that it's so hard to be away from her baby. So...don't leave your baby. I'm just saying. Marguerite, a nineteen-year-old blonde from Cincinnati, says that she's never done runway before and looks like a doofus. In all fairness, they all look like doofuses. Doofi? The doofusiest of all is poor Lauren. Frankly, I don't know how she even walks down the street. Miss J. says that she walks as if she doesn't have any circulation in her feet, and that if she's lucky enough to move forward, they'll have to create a miracle. That's encouraging! Anya, age eighteen, from Honolulu, tells us in some sort of weird accent/speech impediment that modeling is her life. She wakes up every morning thinking about it, and when she goes to sleep she has to take an hour just to breathe. The lack of oxygen during the other twenty-three hours of the day is starting to have demonstrable effects.
, the girls head to a football stadium that has a giant "Homecoming" banner and bonfire. Isn't it amazing that there aren't more bonfire accidents in the world? The Jays and a crew of cheerleaders stand in front of a pretty ratty float. But wait! These aren't just any cheerleaders. They're past contestants! Who, exactly, you may ask? Let's let Marvita tell us. "I knew that was Furonda. Okay, that's them two twins. That's Jael. Oh my God, that's that one girl." Poor Joanie, forever to be known as "that one girl" and to have footage of her filed-down teeth played endlessly on VH1 on a Saturday afternoon. Jay announces that Top Model is going home to New York City! Oh, thank God. Sadly, I don't think this means that The Tyra Banks Show has been canceled.
But before we take any cross-country flights, it's time to find out who the homecoming queen is! Lest you have any doubts, it is Tyra, looking like the cover of Live Through This. Which is actually exactly how I envision her looking when she's alone at home on a Saturday night. Whitney, age twenty, from Atlantic Beach, Florida, tells us that Tyra has "that commanding presence where you just can't take your eyes off of her." And if you try, you'll get a rib bone through the cornea. Tyra mugs, and the girls go crazy. She thanks them for voting for her, and then apologizes for sleeping with all of their boyfriends. Vampira Allison yells back, "I slept with yours." In case you were wondering, improv is not Tyra's strong suit. Allison is pleased that she did something to stand out. Tyra tells the girls that she'll see them at casting. I mean, she doesn't say it normally or anything, lest you were concerned that she's come to her senses and started acting vaguely human again. Commercials.
And then it's time for casting interviews! Anya walks in and squeals before telling the panel how passionate she is about modeling. Tyra asks whether her accent is a beach/surfer/Hawaii accent, and Anya says yes. What does that even mean? Anya says, "I'm leaving Hawaii behind, but God gave me a purpose in life and I'm gonna fulfill that purpose." Let's hope that her purpose involves speech therapy. Jay quite succinctly says that he sees a model, but that when she opens her mouth, he just wants to die.
up is Atalya, age eighteen, from Brooklyn. She tells us that her sister is a doctor and is really smart, so everyone always compares Atalya to her. (Unfavorably, we are left to assume.) Atalya hopes that the judges see her passion for the competition. All Miss J. sees is that Atalya, too, has some kind of funky speech impediment. The poor captioners.
Vampira Allison is up . She stomps in, puts her hand on her hip, and tells the judges that she's from the smallest hick town in Wisconsin, and that there's no way she's going back. Lady, count your blessings to have been raised on a diet of cheese. Tyra asks Allison why she's not going back, and Allison says that there are no opportunities there. I'll bet that was a fun town viewing party her supporters had. Allison, who has some seriously bony ribs, tells us that the modeling industry is very competitive, and that she has much more experience than the other girls. You tell 'em, Miss Teen Cheesehead 2005. Jay thinks that Allison is articulate and smart, but hasn't yet figured out everything. I think that's code for "She's a pill."
up is Shaya Marie Ali. Turns out that Mohammed Ali is Shaya's uncle, a fact that she's all too eager to exploit given the pronounced way in which she stated her surname. Shaya is studying fashion merchandising. And let's let Shaya tell us about Shaya. She says, "Shaya is goofy. Shaya is sexy. Shaya is everybody's fantasy." Shaya is deluded in that special way that only people who describe themselves using the third person can be.
And then we get some down-time interaction with our new crop of bitches. The girls are all dancing aimlessly, and Amy tells us that the more fun and positivity there is, the better it is for everyone. She likes to make people laugh. Her main method of doing this is wearing suspenders. I haven't been able to stop chuckling all episode! Thanks, Amy! Allison shows off her bony-ass stomach, and then says to Whitney, the token plus-sized girl, "Let's see some rib cages if you suck it in." The white bitches are the worst kind, man. Whitney quite expertly retorts, "I eat food, all the time! HA HA HA HA!" The best way to dominate these bitches is to remind them of how hungry they are. And then out of nowhere, class clown Amy, quite the sophisticated humorist, yells out, "You guys wanna check out my pubic hair?" Not unless Rumpelstiltskin turned it to gold, honey.
Speaking of Amy, she is to go before Tyra and the Jays. She considers herself a weirdo because whether she's completely alone or not, her thoughts just spew out. There's not much of a filter. Apparently, Amy thinks a lot about sharing her pubic hair with the world. It's a different sort of public service. A pubic service. Amy's face looks so dirty right now, I can't even tell you. Pretty! Amy tells us that she'd much rather be weird and crazy than boring. It pains me to tell Amy that weird/crazy and boring aren't mutually exclusive. It does not pain me to tell her to go wash her freaking face.
Plus-sized Whitney is , and she thinks the past plus-sized girls on the show are lame. She has a sureness in herself and wants people who don't like her to go suck an egg. No thanks. Too many calories. Whitney tells us that she represents the healthy American woman, which should be the ideal American woman. Jay thinks that she talks like a pageant contestant and is a bit old-school.
is Marguerite, who accosts the judges with what she calls her white-girl freestyle. It goes as such: "So I've gotta admit I've got a little crush/On someone we know and love oh so much/That's right, I'm crushin' on Mr. Jay Manuel/lucky for me, he'll never know how I feel/Cause with his help I'll look innocent/And make it look real." By the looks on their faces, you can tell the judges think that Marguerite is dumb.
Back in the waiting area, the girls talk trash about Dominique. Marguerite says that if she didn't know Dominique, she'd think that she might be a transvestite. Oh, Marguerite, if I had a nickel. Katarzyna more kindly notes that overtanning is probably responsible for Dominique's leathery skin. And speaking of Dominique, she's in front of Tyra and the Jays. She's got the drag queen walk down to an art, and also is wearing a serious push-up bra. She tells the panel that there are so many people at home who know her personally, and know what she's been through. A class-action lawsuit against L.A. Tan? No. In fact, Dominique was in a relationship with a physically and emotionally abusive man. She showed him that you can't put a price on "all of this." Tyra asks what "all of this" is, and Dominique says, "Pret-ty. Pret-ty." Dominique is a hot mess. She wants to use modeling as a platform to encourage and inspire other people, and possibly to save a life. It's admirable work she's doing, showing up on national TV looking all mannish and orange.
we meet Kristin, age eighteen, from Portage, Michigan, whose brother and boyfriend are both in the military. In fact, her boyfriend is in Iraq right now. He knows that she's at the Top Model semi-finals, and is proud. Ladies and gentlemen, as you watch America's Top Model, ruminate on the fact that this is the way of life our troops are working so hard to protect.
Back in the holding area, Marguerite asks the other girls to teach her something sexy that will distract from her stick-figure frame. Shaya jumps right in and shows Marguerite how to shake her booty. Fatima interviews that most of the girls are cool, but that she doesn't think they understand how stupid they act sometimes. She approaches Shaya and says, "You guys are way too ghetto." The sistahs in the group immediately rise to attention as the white girls kind of slowly back out of the room. Fatima continues by telling Shaya and the others that you can be black and smart and beautiful. But Shaya doesn't want to be any of those things; she's just going to be Shaya. Marvita -- feeling more empowered by the minute and enjoying the freedom of a Tuesday without therapy -- shakes Shaya's hand. Shaya tells us that "the girl from Africa" called her ghetto, and not in an "Aw, Shaya, you so ghetto" kind of way. It was more of an "Ugh, you so ghetto," kind of way. It's like how in the '80s I had to explain to my mom that "bad" sometimes means "good." Fatima thinks that the other girls are intimidated by her because she's so exotic-looking and is obviously going to win. Oh, she's one of those. Fatima says that she's an African woman who has manners, education, and class. Shaya's reply? "I'm from America, I'm not from *&@$ing Africa." And in this country, we're rude, dumb, and coarse. If Fatima doesn't like it, she can get right back on the boat.
Oh, and then it's Saleisha's My Life as a Cover Girl. Her Tootie hair is gone, and she's furthered her career with a job at the Cover Girl factory. She can't believe this is her life. To her credit, she rocks a shower cap like no one since Laverne DeFazio.
When we return, it's time for the judges to meet Katarzyna. She is seriously smoking. She tells them that she was born in Poland. Katarzyna graduated from Cornell, and since then has been working with an executive search firm. She sat at her desk all day and wanted to break free from the chains and just be a model. Katarzyna has some high-waisted bikini bottoms. She tells us that although her job pays well, it's not what she was born to do. She might actually be able to take this thing -- she's really gorgeous.
In contrast, there's crazy Shalynda. As she walks in, she raps, "I'm here from the D-dot-C/And none of these girls ain't got nothing on me." Did she just use a triple negative? Tyra is in awe of the fact that Shalynda has applied for the show eight times. Her producers finally just broke down and were like, "Give the bitch some camera time and maybe she'll get out of our hair." Shalynda wears that pink paisley Victoria's Secret swimsuit that was all over their catalogues the year before last. What's my secret? I love to read the Victoria's Secret catalogue in the bathroom!
Meanwhile, the ghetto debate rages. Shalynda tells Fatima that everybody has ghettoness in them. She then interviews that she is the wrong person to mess with. Shalynda yells at Fatima that she knows she's a bitch and has been called everything in the book. She's accepted it. Fatima confirms twice that Shalynda is a bitch, and then says, and I quote, "Can I call you bitch?" As in, "Bitch, get out of my damn African face!" Or, "Bitch, bring me some croutons for my salad!" Or, "Bitch, is it true that this is the eighth damn time you've tried out for this show? Give it up already!" Or, "Bitch, my pot pie is cold!" Unsurprisingly, Shalynda does not take well to being called "bitch." She pretty much looks like she wants to bitch-slap Fatima, and has to be restrained. Eventually, she calms down and says, "Shut up, bitch, you're dead in my book." Way to paraphrase La Dick! Fatima kind of smiles through the whole thing.
We then get to meet Lauren, who tells the panel that this is the first week she's ever worn heels. Jay notes that there are thousands of girls who would love to be on the show, and asks why Lauren thinks she's there. She says that she represents the weirdo girls. Tyra tells her that a lot of the working top models of today are pretty freaky-looking, and Lauren says that she loves ugly-beautiful. Lauren walks in wearing a bikini, and hoo boy is it a sight. Lauren's hobbies including watching zombie movies and going to punk shows. She is, as she says, pretty laid-back. Tyra asks Lauren to strike a very strong, edgy pose. Lauren stands with her back to the panel. Okay, then. Miss J. bounces up and down in his chair, he is laughing so hard.
we have Stacy-Ann, age twenty-two, who is always happy and full of energy. Stacy-Ann married at seventeen, but not for nefarious reasons -- just because she was in love. Tyra and the Jays are having a hard time believing that. Stacy-Ann has always wanted to know what it's like to give a lap dance. Mr. Jay -- perhaps emboldened by the lusty white girl rap of earlier -- volunteers to be her demonstration model. Stacy-Ann's version of a lap dance involves singing a song that goes, "Doo doo doo doo." Yeah. This cues the crazy loser's montage we all know and love so well. Good times!
Aimee, age eighteen, from Spanaway, Washington is and has a close relationship with her mother, who had Aimee when she was eighteen. Her mother is also a big old Mormon, and wasn't too happy when Aimee renounced the faith. Girl, we have been there and done that on The Real World New Orleans. !
Oh, it's time for dumb Kim, age twenty, from Worcester, Massachusetts. Worcester, represent! In addition to being a poor man's Reese Witherspoon, Kim is a bank teller. Tyra asks her if she ever takes money. Kim pauses for a moment as the little hamsters powering her brain run as fast as they can. She answers, "Yeah. A lot of money." Mr. Jay asks the question again, and once Kim clarifies that Tyra was actually asking whether she steals money, she says no, and that it's a federal offense. Kim knows that people think she's a dumb blonde, but she says she's actually really down to earth and into psychology and hopes to go back to school one day. But why waste the best years of her life in a stuffy classroom when she could be walking the runways of Milan! Or the aisles of K-Mart!
Then it's Fatima's turn in front of the panel. She gives Tyra a big hug and starts crying. Fatima explains that she's originally from Somalia, and Tyra says that she has a little of Iman's blood in her. Turns out everyone tells Fatima that she looks like Iman, at least according to Fatima. Oh, and then. Tyra asks Fatima to talk about the very controversial rite of passage that she went through. It turns out that Fatima was a victim of female circumcision, which means that her entire clitoris was removed and her labia were sewn together. And can we all just give a collective "OW." Seriously, I am typing with one hand because I need to hold on to my bits for a minute. Fatima wants to dedicate her life to making sure that no one goes through what she went through. She thinks that winning the competition will give her a voice, but that it will take a lot of people talking about this issue to make a difference. Jay loves her.
We go back to the holding room, in which the conversation takes a different tone. Fatima casually mentions that she can't see herself ever getting married because she can't have sex with men. She explains that she was circumcised, and Marvita totally gets the willies. Shaya and the others who hated Fatima ten minutes ago now feel pretty bad about it, and Shaya gives Fatima a big hug while she cries. Marguerite tells us that the whole group had a collective sense of compassion and wanted to comfort Fatima. And then there's Marvita. From the sidelines she busts out with "So do you feel less of a woman?" Ah, the therapy. It's amazing how quickly it starts working. The other girls quite correctly tell her to shut up. Marvita, in return, tells them to shut the fuck up. She kind of waves her hand near a sitting Allison, who slaps it away. Marvita's response? "Bitch, if you touch me, you gonna die." She's ready to take flight on Allison like nobody's business. It's like the whole anger management process is unfolding before our eyes.
And speaking of Marvita, it's her turn to go in front of the panel. Marvita tells us that when her pastor saw the show last season, she came to the conclusion that Marvita needed more Jesus. If by "Jesus," she means "Lithium," then yes. Marvita tells the judges about the whole incident with the slapping of the hand. The old Marvita would have popped Allison. The new Marvita merely threatened to pop Allison. Thanks, therapy! Marvita explains that if you get a stray dog off of the streets, the dog's going to be mean and crazy for a while, but with enough love, he will come around. And then one day when you're not looking, he'll bite your neighbor's kid in the face and you'll go to jail. Tyra wonders if Marvita's rehabilitation was as successful as Jaslene's.
And then there's Jenna, age twenty, from Boston, who had second thoughts about coming to the semi-finals. It all has to do with something called "tricking out her Impala." Jenna does some spoken-word poetry of her own that goes a little something like this: "Impala SS/Cause I be goin' kinda fast when I want to/Weavin' like a hairdo/Two-toned, red on the bottom, white on the top/Rims/Tint/System/Bumpin'/Fly./Flyyyyyy!" That was written in, like, Runes. Jay thinks that Jenna would be pretty if she kept her mouth shut.
We then meet Jennifer, age twenty-four, from Orlando, who is also representing the plus-sized ladies. She has stretch marks on her stomach, which she alternately is not so excited about/doesn't care about. Jay thinks that Jennifer is sweet and has a beautiful face.
Then there's Claire, age twenty-four, from New York, who would like to be a global warrior for the environment. She paid off her carbon footprint with the hair from the left side of her head. Claire tells the judges that it's hard to be away from her daughter, especially since she's still breastfeeding. Tyra asks if Claire is FedExing the milk, and Claire says that right now she's actually drinking it. Turns out it tastes kind of like light soy milk. I get why Claire is pumping, but what I don't quite understand is the drinking part. Just when Al Gore was starting to give global warriors for the environment a good name. The thirsty members of the panel each take a glass of milk from under the table and toast to Claire. Mmm. Breasty.
With that, it's finally time to learn who makes it to the final round. Each girl gets a report card stating if they passed or failed. Passes include: Whitney, Jenna, Marvita, Katarzyna, Jennifer, Kristen, Stacy-Ann, Claire, Anya, Kim, Aimee, Fatima, Lauren, Amy, Atalya, Allison, and Dominique. And then there are those who failed. Sorry, Shaya! You must spread your beauty elsewhere. Sorry, Shalynda! Get a job. Sorry Marguerite! Stop it with the freestyle. Sorry, nameless faceless others!
The finalists have one more photo shoot, in which they have to style their own hair and makeup while wearing tube tops. Allison puts purple tear streaks down her face, which she knows is a big trend on the runways in Asia. Lauren never wears makeup, and so fashions herself a black eye. The girls also get a fur stole to wear, which Jay seems to think is in the tradition of senior portraits. Jay apparently graduated from Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan High School. The girls work their stoles as best they can. Anya tells us that she appreciates everything that has been given to her. She adds, "I mean, just the food alone. Like, the food that they're feeding us, I just love it so much." That girl is not right. Fatima is a self-proclaimed perfectionist and takes longer to get her photos the way she wants them. Dominique looks like she walked out of Clan Of The Cave Bear. Marvita wants to show her newfound confidence.
After the shoot, Tyra and the Jays look at the girls' photos and prepare to make the final cuts. Aimee looks like a model but has no idea how to model. She has the noun but not the verb. The panel doesn't know what Allison was going for with the eyes, but says that she did stand out. Amy is a little bit dated and older-looking. Anya has today's model look, but Jay is scared to see her do anything that involves talking. Atalya looks somewhat modelish in her high-school graduation shot. Miss J. finds Claire to be very special, but Jay is concerned that she'll realize that modeling is a soulless, vain kind of job. Dominique is a boring horsie, according to Jay. Miss J. thinks that Fatima has a beautiful face, but that her walk is broke down. Jenna is eminently mockable. Jennifer has a different face in each of her photos. Katarzyna is sex on legs, and Miss J. would love to break that down. Mr. Jay says -- out of absolutely nowhere, I'm sure -- that she reminds him of Paulina Porizkova. Sometimes Miss J. reminds me of Ric Ocasek. Kimberly is a little mushed in the face for Miss J.'s taste. Kristen has an interesting European vibe. Lauren might look hopeless, but Jay thinks she could get it together. Marvita has been through therapy. She has model potential, but she actually impressed Jay more last cycle. Jay loves Stacy-Ann's walk. Whitney sucks in her cheeks. And with that, the final thirteen girls have been chosen!
Tyra meets with the girls to deliver the news. I thought for a minute that she was wearing a cute dress, and then I noticed the leather puff sleeves. Tyra, why do you do it? The first girl to be called is Allison. This is not a show to let a good bitch go. Then there's Fatima, Katarzyna, Kim, Stacy-Ann, Amy AND Aimee (one of whom has to change her name), Claire, Whitney, Marvita, Lauren, and Atalya. The final spot goes to Anya. I hate to wish ill on anybody (except Tyra, of course), but if Anya lasts beyond the first couple of episodes, I don't know if I'll be able to take it. So, that's the final thirteen. But wait! Tyra announces that there was so much talent this season that she decided to give one more girl a shot. Yes, that's right, this year there will be FOURTEEN finalists! World, consider yourself rocked. And the final spot goes to...Dominique? Seriously? She weeps, and feels thankful, blessed, and humble. The humility won't last so long, I'm sure.
Tyra gives the girls who didn't make it a pep talk. Jennifer's heart is broken, but she says that stuff happens. Kristen thinks she wanted this a lot more than some of the girls who got in. But who cares about losers? The final fourteen are going to New York City! Yay! Anya says, "I'm gonna strive my hardest and my most willingness to be America's Top Model because I know I have what it takes." Is she from The Jungle Book or something? On that note...let the bitchery begin!
week: A runway show in Times Square! And the most shocking elimination ceremony ever!