The thirteen finalists make their way to their new house in their new, environmentally green vehicle. Tyra has apparently decided that this season is all about modeling with a message, and the first message is that, like, bad stuff is happening to the earth that is making it more worser and stuff. To that end, look for Al Gore to be a guest panelist in Episode Five. The second message has to do with smoking. Smoking, in case you haven't heard, is really bad for you. The girls do a double shoot in which they look all pretty and smoky on one side, but their reflection in a mirror shows them suffering from many of the medical ills or side effects that result from smoking. This means that we see girls variously sporting a tracheotomy hole, a face tumor, and burns all over the face, among other afflictions. And, you know, I get the whole "debatable beauty" bit, but I would bet you $20,000 that you are certainly not going to see a tracheotomy hole in a Chanel ad. Mila thinks that her lack of hair from chemotherapy is a riot. It is, if you're an idiot. After the shoot, Bianca and Lisa get into a bit of a row, which reaches its peak when Bianca brings up the fact that America's Top Model might not give lap dances in a bikini. The two make shaky amends later, but Bianca admits to us that she only pretended to be cool so that her nasty behavior wouldn't come up at panel. Bee. Yotch. Saleisha wins points for having the best personal style in an Old Navy clothing challenge, and her prizes include an appearance in an Old Navy ad and a $1,000 shopping spree at the store. That will buy approximately 20,000 pairs of ill-fitting pants. Heather's social awkwardness comes into play as she feels like a bit of an outcast, and no wonder, as a lot of the girls talk about how weird she is behind her back. I have to say that seeing her sad made me really sad. She seems like a nice girl. She sticks it to the other bitches, though, when she's called first at panel! Woo! Ebony, meanwhile, is totally not a bitch! She tries to keep it cool so the other girls don't hate her, and ends up sort of screwing herself modeling-wise in the process. You know, because she's so closed off! She lands in the bottom two with Mila. Happily, the bubblehead is burst, and Mila is sent home. Meanwhile, Tyra announces that it's a non-smoking season! Ostensibly, this is because she's taking a stand for health, but I'm sure the fact that it's going to make some folks go from fun-bitch to bitch-bitch doesn't hurt either.
Previously on ANTM: Thirty-five semi-finalists set sail on a cruise ship with Tyra and the Jays, but they only told us about thirty-three, because the other two went missing. Hey, that's what happens when you go on a cruise. Allegedly. We met Yalie smarty-pants Victoria, nasty stanky-pants Ebony, and awkward Asperger's-pants Heather. Wow, the girl who gets kicked off this episode is so insignificant that they don't even show her in the previews!
We open the episode with Mila, who always, like, thought she could be a model and stuff, so here she is! A model for Double Bubble, maybe. In contrast, we have Lisa, who was in foster care and saw every kind of hurt. Yeah, yeah, we heard about that in the last episode. She knows she's going to give this competition all she has. I believe that. Janet wanted to get out of her small town of Bainbridge, Georgia. So move! I hate when the girls say that. Save up your pocket change and buy a bus ticket. God. Janet is here to compete and learn as much as she can about fashion. Heather gives us a rundown of Asperger's: it's a mild form of autism, and often, people who have it are very socially awkward. Heather's top priority is learning and having a good experience. Well, then, she might want to start poisoning some bitches.
The girls meet Jay in L.A.'s fashion district, where he tells them they'll truly get the competition started. Victoria says she's never been west of Chicago, so L.A. is a different world for her. She looks like she got there in a covered wagon. She adds that now, she has to bring on her super-nerdy skills in terms of fashion modeling. The first way she does this is by always saying "fashion modeling." I guess she has to make a distinction from the DNA modeling that she usually does. Jay tells the girls he has something special to show them, and to come with him. Kids at home, NEVER follow a strange orange man who says this to you.
Jay leads the girls outside, where they find their new vehicle -- a literally and figuratively green bus. It runs on 100% biodiesel fuel, and has the slogan "Green Is The New Black" painted on it. Honest to God, most of the girls can barely muster up any excitement for this. They probably think it runs on frogs. Jay tells them that this season, Tyra wanted to pay special attention to the environment. So I guess her weaves are going to be totally biodegradable? Mila says, and I have to quote this directly, "I'm pretty supportive of the environmental kick, and it really is important to...just to be aware of, like...what keeps our earth...good." Right now, Al Gore is kicking himself for not coming up with the catch phrase "Just be aware of what keeps our earth good." And Brad Pitt is kicking Angie on the couch and yelling, "She totally stole my idea!" Jay tells the girls that the Green Machine is going to take them back to their house, and tomorrow they'll have their first photo shoot. In saying "to-MORE-row," Jay totally exposes his Canadian roots.
Jenah loves the sweet-ass green bus. Kimberly says there is grass all along the seats and she thinks the seats are made of recycled tires. Or all of Janice Dickinson's old faces. Mila reads the Tyra Mail: "When a model is inexperienced, she is green. When a model is successful, she makes green. When a model is conscious, she goes green." As most models are famous for being functionally unconscious the majority of the time, I think the world is safe from their efforts at environmentalism.
The girls get to their house, which is awesome as usual. It might be the same house as another season -- I can't really tell anymore. Maybe every house just looks the same because of the Tyra wallpaper. It has a big runway where the girls can see themselves walking, which is pretty cool. Janet says that the green thing is all over the house. You can see this really well, because every light in the place is on. But let me give credit to Tyra for trying to reduce her carbon footprint to a size ten Jimmy Choo. In addition to the many pictures of Tyra, several of the beds seem to have a giant picture of Jaslene above them. To which I say, these girls get so little sleep as it is -- must we fill their precious moments of slumber with nightmares, too?
Ebony tells us that when she first came to the competition, no one seemed to like her. Well, that's because she was a stank ho. So she's trying to be more reserved and keep more to herself. Ebony is clearly not smart enough to see that what she needs is a quality Pigford redemption arc. Watch the marathons on VH1 and learn, my friend! They are there to teach you.
Jenah asks the other girls who wants to go skinny-dipping. Lisa says she'll be the first one in. She tells us she's never been anywhere near a house this nice, and would probably get the cops called on her. She's soaking it in, and it's amazing. She then totally slips from the ledge between the hot tub and pool and falls in with all of her clothes on. Hee. Several of the other girls are in there with their clothes on, too. More than giant pictures of Tyra, what they really need in this house is a good dictionary. Just because you're wearing skinny jeans, that doesn't mean you're skinny-dipping.
While everyone else is enjoying pool shenanigans, Heather is hunched over a notebook. She tells us she wasn't a normal child, and would be by herself a lot. It was very lonely, and brought up questions of what was wrong with her, and why people couldn't understand her. She hopes she can get along with the other girls. One place that Heather doesn't seem awkward at all is in her interviews -- she's very honest, clear, and direct.
Kimberly points out a sign in the bathroom asking the girls to limit their showers to ten minutes to save water. She runs a bath, and a bunch of other girls get in there with her. Not naked, though. What do you think this is, The Real World? Kimberly thinks her sense of humor will set her apart, as she loves to make other people laugh. If that's the case, she's getting a bad edit, because she seems like the Duchess of Dullsville so far. The other girls kindly allow Sarah in the tub, without observing that she's borderline too big to fit.
Saliesha does a mock elimination with Bianca and Lisa. She makes a pretty good Tyra, and even says "be-lon-GINGS" right. But Tyra's ridiculousness is not the point of this scene. The point is that Bianca and Lisa are the Krystal and Alexis, complete with bitch-slapping. Bianca tells us she doesn't think that Lisa has what it takes to be America's Top Model. She says America's Top Model is not going to be an exotic dancer. I might add that in her career trajectory, Adrienne Curry has come really close. The more peaceful girls are just chillin'. Chantal says that their view is so beautiful, it brought tears to her eyes, and she's very thankful and appreciative to be there. Awww.
The girls head to their shoot the day. Jay tells them the shoot is meant to create awareness on the horrible impacts of smoking. Because there's absolutely no awareness about this issue now. ANTM is such a trailblazer! up, ANTM takes a stand against landmines. Jay says smoking is still seen as a glamorous thing to do, which is why it affects the modeling industry. Each girl will do two shots. The first will be the girl looking glamorous and puffing away. The second, which will be presented as a reflection in the mirror, will show how bad smoking is for your body and your life. The composite photo, says Jay, will make the bold statement that smoking is ugly. ANTM vet Mike Rosenthal is the photographer.
Ambreal is up first. She does her glamorous shot, then gets made up into "the ugly fatality that is gonna happen as the result of [her] smoking." And...woah! She now is bleeding from the mouth as a result of lung cancer. I mean, Jesus. My grandma died of lung cancer. Jenah, herself a smoker, is . And woah! She is now bald from chemotherapy. I thought they were just going to, like, look old and wrinkled and stuff. In the makeup room, Heather is staring at nothing for what seems to be a long time. Kimberly notes that Heather is a gorgeous girl, but she can't socialize very well, and something is off. Kimberly's famous way of making people laugh is probably by saying stuff like, "Hey, Heather. Are you hungry? Maybe you'd like an ASS BURGER for dinner! Ha ha ha." Jerk. In all fairness, Heather is acting kind of weird. She acknowledges this, and hopes that people will be a little more lenient if she has moments when she slips up.
It's Mila's turn to shoot her photo. She tells us that she tries to make everything fun. And you know what's fun? Losing half your hair from chemotherapy! That's why Walt Disney World is opening its new, extra-fun Chemo Village this fall. Whee! Mila has big long tufts of hair sticking up from her bald wig, and it cracks her up. She thinks she looks like Bozo the Clown. His head was really bulbous too, I guess. She laughs throughout her shoot, and Jay says it was kind of sad that Mila couldn't connect with the true emotion of sorrow and regret. And then...fuck! Janet is a burn victim. I mean, isn't this a little much? Or maybe all the burn victims of the world are just excited that they're finally being represented in the fashion industry. Yeesh. Jay says that Janet shouldn't be feeling sorry for herself; she should be mad that she did this to herself. Except a lot of burn victims, in fact, don't do that to themselves. Chantal looks good in her glamorous pose, and says she's ready to get the competition started. She doesn't know if anyone has dreamt about this more than she has. I'm guessing that in all of her dreams about modeling, she never thought that she'd have a tracheotomy hole. I mean, Jesus.
Meanwhile, Bianca hates Lisa. She thinks she's phony and tries too hard, and there's no need to be someone you're not. Saleisha and Heather pose together to show us the dangers of second-hand smoke. Quelle coincidence that the mildly autistic girl has to pose with someone else. Saleisha tells us it seemed like Heather was uncomfortable being close or touching her, which made her go off into her own world, because she has to worry about herself. We get a merciful break from the tracheotomy holes and the like as Heather and Saleisha just look kind of old and nasty for their second shoot. Whew. Backstage, Bianca asks how they did. Saleisha says that she was putting out, but Heather wasn't putting out enough. Heather says she tried as hard as she could, and she thinks she got at least one good shot.
Kimberly is glamorous and then has a sunken face. Sara is very pretty in her glamorous shot, then suffers from premature aging. Meanwhile, backstage shenanigans! Bianca says she needs her own room, and Lisa tells the makeup crew to watch out for her, because she's a diva. Bianca says she's ready to throw a cell phone. Lisa says she'd better be careful whom she throws it at, because it might get thrown back. Bianca replies, "I'll throw it at your ass." Lisa counters, "It'll come right back at your forehead." It's like dialogue straight out of a Noel Coward play, isn't it? Bianca tells us that she's wanted this since she was thirteen. It's not a game with her, and she'll step over Lisa if necessary. And, as a natural extension, cut her. Commercials.
When we return, Lisa is telling Victoria to practice her look for the shoot, but Victoria says she's going to wing it. Victoria tells us that the other girls think that she can use her book smarts to strategize in the competition, but really, she's just making it up as she goes along. Victoria gets to be a pregnant smoker, who then has a stillborn baby. I mean, seriously. Ebony is wearing a gold lamé dress, and Jay says she looks like she's sitting on a toilet. Jay notes that she seems tentative, as opposed to the confident bee-yotch who really stood out in a crowd. Ebony says that when she did that, the girls didn't like her. Jay's voice raises about two octaves as he queens, "Well who cares?" He has kind of a point, I guess. Ebony breathes oxygen from a tank in her second shoot, due to a collapsed lung. Jay tells us that Ebony was like a wooden puppet, and when you're on set, you need to just let it all go. Bianca is , and Jay thinks she's holding back. But she's better in her second shoot, because who could hold back when suffering from severe gingivitis? They're scraping the bottom of the tobacco barrel with that one. But it's good to see Bianca with teeth that represent her rancid personality. Lisa is , and she looks pretty good. She says she's going to be on the cover of Vogue one day, and she doesn't care what she has to do. I imagine "Kill Anna Wintour" might be on the list. And then, agh! Lisa has a giant open face tumor in her second shoot. Yes, I said FACE TUMOR. She really connects to it, too, according to Mr. Jay.
When Lisa returns backstage, Bianca screams, "Did you think you did better than me, Lisa?" Lisa doesn't exactly take the bait, but says that she thought she did a great job. Bianca, as will come as no surprise, doesn't think Lisa did, and either says that nobody else thought Lisa did well, or says nobody else did well either. A tip for Bianca: if you're going to be really bitchy, usually it helps to be exceptionally literate, too. Lisa says, "Ain't nobody claim you a winner." What does that even mean? Lisa interviews that Bianca is insecure and conceited. And, if I may add, kind of a pill. There is a confrontation, which all of the girls are privy to. Lisa begins to say something about how stank Bianca is, and Bianca says that Lisa is real lame. Lisa says she's not being disrespectful, but Bianca says she is. Heather tells us she was getting a headache. It is kind of a riot, when you look at the other girls, that Heather's supposed to be the one with social problems. Bianca says that she doesn't see Lisa as her competition, and then busts out with, "I'm not twenty, stripping in some club. You really think America's Top Model is going to be an exotic dancer? What a role model." Oooh, see, that was uncalled for. Lisa is stunned for a minute, and kind of squints her eyes before screaming, "YOU WANNA BRING IT TO THAT [BLEEP] LEVEL? YOU CAN BRING IT TO THAT [BLEEP] LEVEL." She's crying, and I think it's actually Ebony that wipes away the tears! Victoria says that she hates when girls fight, and it's all so high school. Something tells me that this dialogue would not be found within a hundred-mile radius of where Victoria went to high school.
Bianca asks Lisa if there's anything she wants to call her out on. Lisa says she has nothing to say to her. A very teary Lisa tells us that America isn't perfect, and everybody goes through ups and downs, and if you're determined to make something out of yourself, you do what you have to do. And, I mean, cut the girl some slack. I'm sure Tyra will soon drag out the fact that Bianca's mother was a stripper or something. Jay comes backstage and tells the girls to go home, pull themselves together, and figure out how they're going to get along with each other.
Back at the house, a few girls sit in the hot tub. Lisa tells Bianca that before they go into judging (or, as she calls it, judgment, which leads to my fear that when the pearly gates open, Tyra will be standing there, not holding a photo of me in her hands), she wants to put their problems behind them. Bianca apologizes for what she said, adding that it was uncool. However, Bianca then interviews that she's very strategic, and that she apologized to Lisa not because she meant it, but because she wouldn't want what she said to come up in panel. It takes a very specific kind of strategery to then confess this in an interview, which I'm sure Tyra will NEVER see.
And now, it's time for some other girls to be mean to someone else. Chantal, walking around in her underwear, asks where Heather is. Saleisha notes that she's outside, and we see Heather sitting on their balcony and holding a stuffed monkey. Awww. Chantal interviews that Heather is in over her head, and isn't ready for the competition. She says that Heather lacks social skills, and that is going to hurt her in the competition. Chantal isn't really being mean here; I think she's trying to be objective about Heather surviving in a house full of bitches. Later, Heather is explaining Asperger's to some of the girls and taking questions. Mila asks, "So do you, like, see the world differently than, like...me?" If that's the definition of Asperger's, then count me among the afflicted. Heather says that people with Asperger's think differently, and don't pick up on social norms. Mila interviews that Heather seems weird from far away, but she's really open-minded and gives everyone a shot.
Saleisha, Bianca, and Janet then have a whole conversation about how Heather leaves her orange peels lying around. Janet lets us know in no uncertain terms that she's not picking up Heather's orange peels. Way to take a stand! Picking up someone's orange peels is so much grosser than, like, ripping out the hair from their ass and stuff. Bianca says that it's like Heather is on a three-second delay, which is actually kind of astute. As they talk on the balcony, it looks like Heather, who is SWEEPING THE FLOOR, BITCHES, hears them. She interviews tearfully, "I'm not gonna let this autism bring me down. Ah...this is going to be, ah, the thing that makes me stronger." I sure wish Marvita was there to slap some bitches on Heather's behalf. Commercials.
And then, it's Jaslene's Life as a Cover Girl. She goes to L.A. for the Teen Choice Awards. It's really hard to understand anything she's saying, with the exception of, "Super long-lasting shimmery shine."
When we return, the girls are visited by a spiffy-looking Miss J. He notes that cycle after cycle, girls have some styling issues, and he tells them to have a few basic items such as simple dresses and simple skirts. He adds that nobody wants to know which color your G-string is. Amen, sister! Seriously, women out there: do a little bend/squat test with a rear-facing mirror before you leave the house. It's not that hard. Miss J. notes that they do want each girl to keep her personal style, unless, of course, that style sucks. The girls get to go to Old Navy to buy some simple items with which to impress the judges at panel. Lisa is really excited, I guess because she's poor. Miss J. tells us that a lot of girls don't succeed in the fashion world because they don't listen. He hopes that's not the case with the thirteen finalists.
When the girls get to Old Navy, they meet posing instructor Benny Ninja, who is wearing one of everything from the store's "Gay Flapper Soldier Is Burning" collection. He explains that they might recognize him from Cycle 8, when he taught the girls how to pose and move through the laser beam challenge. They flash back, and at this point, the friend I was watching the show with, who is not an avid ANTM watcher, said, "LASER BEAM CHALLENGE?" and started dying. Sometimes, because I am so immersed, I forget how truly ridiculous this show is. Benny says that the girls have ten minutes to pick an outfit that will impress the judges, and the winner will be chosen at panel. The girls rush, they shop, they trash the store. Which means it now looks exactly like any other Old Navy you've ever seen. Jenah notes that Heather is having some trouble. The rest of the girls are running around looking for what's trendy, but Heather, says Jenah, doesn't even know what "trendy" is. She has Asperger's, she's not the Girl In The Bubble. The girls have to rush back to Benny when their ten minutes are up, and Ebony isn't wearing any pants. Honestly, she looks like your garden-variety Hollywood starlet. Benny bids the girls hasta la vista and heads back to the world of real drag queens.
Tyra Mail! Someone's going home. Heather is nervous, but says she's remembering her mom's advice: if you lose, you only lose once, but if you win, you win really big. With that kind of parental advice, it's no wonder Heather has ADHD. What does that even mean?
The morning, Lisa tells Mila that she's proud of herself. Mila looks bored out of her gourd. She tells us that she thinks she's getting along with most of the girls and definitely wants to continue the competition and participate more in everything. Ebony, in her bed, says to several of the other girls that Heather is kind of weird. Kimberly replies that Heather has all kinds of disabilities, but this is a competition. Victoria tells us that the other girls talk about Heather behind her back and make fun of her for being awkward, but she doesn't do that kind of stuff. Which is good, but I want her to get to the point where she tells the other girls to shove their Perger in their ass, instead of just sitting there quietly. Kimberly says that Heather must think she's a bitch, because she kind of rolls her eyes when Heather talks to her and doesn't listen. The reason for this, she says, is that she doesn't want Heather to cling to her. Kimberly interviews, "People like that, they cling." And people like you, Kimberly, need blotting papers. That's tough talk from somebody who could fry an egg on her face. Kimberly thinks that girls will push Heather away even more as the competition goes forth, and also doesn't think she can make it past elimination. Heather talks to her mom on the phone. Her mom is really supportive, and tells Heather to stay encouraged and to be sweet to the other girls. She has obviously never seen a gaggle of bitches of such high caliber. Heather says she doesn't feel like she can trust them. Good call. She cries, and we head to commercials.
When we return, we are welcomed to panel by a glamorous black-and-white photo of Tyra smoking. However, upon closer inspection, the smoke forms a skull. What, no tracheotomy hole? To make things more dramatic, Tyra is wearing a belted garbage bag. She talks about the prizes: a contract with Elite, a six-page spread and cover of Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. Judges Nigel Barker, Miss J. Alexander, and Twiggy are back. The girls are evaluated on their Old Navy outfits as well as their photos.
Chantal is first and is wearing too many accessories. The judges like her bedroom eyes and high-fashion quality. Tyra says she was blown away by Chantal's photos, but she does have to watch the bedroom eyes a tad. Jenah's outfit doesn't get raves, because the pockets in her shorts make her look hippy. The judges seem to like her photos, and Jenna notes that she started quitting smoking the minute she got back to the house. Tyra asks how it felt to do the shot, and Jenah says the emotion in the picture is real. Yet another life saved by Tyra Banks. At this point, I've lost count. Ambreal gets points off for her big-ass earrings, even though I think they're cute. Tyra sees "model" in Ambreal's picture, but not when she looks at her in person. Everyone also enjoys the picture where Ambreal is coughing up blood, and Miss J. says, "She did a very good job looking ill." It should be noted that Miss J. and Ambreal have the exact same hairdo.
Victoria is , and Tyra says she can feel Victoria's nerves. Twiggy likes Victoria's outfit, and also her photo. She says you'd never know from the photo how shy and insecure Victoria is. Victoria responds that she may be soft-spoken, but she's not insecure. Nigel tells her that if she's going to say that, she has to do it with a smile, or people won't like her, and Twiggy adds that she needs to work on charm. I'm warming up to Victoria, but it's true. Everyone loves the picture of Victoria with the stillborn child. How many times do you get to say that in your life?
Lisa's outfit doesn't get raves, but her picture does. Twiggy says there's a sauciness about Lisa that she likes. And she hasn't even gotten a lap dance yet! Nigel says it's cheeky, sultry, and all the things you want to see in a photo. Not so sultry is Lisa's face tumor, but the judges seem to enjoy it anyway. The judges hate Mila's dress, just like they hate Mila. Miss J. thinks that Mila looks like she just farted in her photo, and Nigel notes that her eyes are kind of blank. Sometimes a good fart has that effect. Tyra says the photo is just of a pretty girl sitting there. Her chemotherapy photo is better, though Tyra notes that Jay said the shoot was more humorous to her than serious. Mila admits that she thought she looked ridiculous, and Nigel tells her that it's a very serious subject. Sarah is , and gets scolded on her choice of necklace. Her photo is great on both sides, and gets lots of praise. Bianca looks like a model, minus her red hair. Twiggy says that the camera loves Bianca and she's very beautiful, but Tyra would like to see more life in her eyes. Nigel adds that she's a little too posed, and Tyra tells her that she needs to pull or slump. They really enjoy her severe gingivitis shot, however. Tyra tells her to study magazines and look in the mirror.
Janet also gets told to take her necklace off. The Old Navy cheap-ass necklaces department must be freaking out right about now. Miss J. says that Janet looks like a young Angie Dickinson in her photo. Kitten with a whip! Oh, wait, that's Ann-Margret. Janet also is a convincing burn victim. Then we have Ebony, who gets kudos on her look, but not on her picture. The judges think she looks stiff in her glamorous picture, but quite natural with a collapsed lung. Tyra brings up the fact that Ebony is scared of being disliked by the other girls. Ebony says that her confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. And, sometimes, she can be stank. Nigel says that the key is to be yourself. Spoken by someone who obviously hasn't really met these girls.
Kimberly is . She looks okay, except for her weird oily hair. Her glamorous photo is good, but a little hoochified. Her tragic shot is great. Heather and Saleisha get judged together. Saleisha gets compliments on her look, but the judges have to tell Heather to step forward. Both girls get compliments on their glamorous photos, and Nigel says Heather has a very quiet beauty. Tyra notes that Heather is also shrinking in front of the panel, and tells her to look at Saleisha's confidence. Saleisha looks great in her secondhand smoke shot, and Heather looks crazy but affecting.
The winner of this week's style competition is Saleisha, who gets a $1,000 shopping spree with Old Navy. A thousand dollars will buy a lot of crap at Old Navy, so Saleisha could theoretically be outfitted for years, if everything she buys doesn't fall apart after the second wash. She also gets to be in an Old Navy ad. I can't wait to see how her tracheotomy hole looks in print! Commercials.
Lisa is the Cover Girl of the Week! Ha! Suck it, Bianca.
The judges deliberate. Chantal is so perfect, says Nigel, and he likes the imperfections. Tyra says he likes the "pretty ugly," and asks him what's pretty ugly on her. Oooh! Oooh! Please, ma'am, call on me! Janet doesn't look like a model to Twiggy, and is unmemorable. Ambreal is beautiful, but maybe not a model. Mila was dead and unimpressive. Tyra likes that she's curvy, but doesn't think that she was absorbing a thing that they told her. I don't think Mila absorbs much, with the exception of the time she bathed in radioactive iodine. Saleisha reminds Miss J. of Season Five's Nik, and he's not sold yet. Jenah may slip in the personality department according to Miss J. and Nigel. Kimberly has the men's-magazine thing, but could also work in fashion. Ebony, says Nigel, is probably the most beautiful girl there, but definitely has a dark side. He notes that he could see in her eyes when they were critiquing her that she couldn't handle it. I do wonder how she passed the psych test. Sarah has a beautiful face, according to Nigel, and Tyra thinks she looks like she knows what she's doing. Everyone loves Lisa. Nigel thinks Victoria's is one of the best pictures of the bunch, and the other judges can hardly believe it. Twiggy even asks if he's joking. So mean!
Miss J. loves Heather's face and says she doesn't realize it, but she's always naturally giving a good photo. Nigel says she photographs like a dream. Tyra says that she's making a whole lot of autistic kids go, "Wow." Nigel, completely off the cuff except I'm sure this is the fifth take of this dialogue, says, "Wait uh uh woah woah woah...she's autistic?" Tyra explains about Asperger's, and adds that certain genius qualities can come out in addition to the social awkwardness. I expect her also to note that Heather is a very good driver. Twiggy thinks Bianca has a beautiful face, but she knows nothing about modeling. Miss J. says that the first cut is always hard, and it seems like the girls haven't had a chance. Tyra says they've had a chance. Snap!
The girls return. Tyra notes that this week's shoot was very controversial. She says that during her career, 98% of models smoked or had previously smoked. I'd like to see where she gets her statistics, personally. She's just making shit up all the time these days. Anyway, America's Top Model is taking a stand. This is a no-smoking cycle. Cigarettes are banned! Tyra brings up all the little girls who are looking up to the contestants. And, frankly, if she were that worried about all those little girls, she would have ended the show six seasons ago. I think it's a little ridiculous to ban smoking entirely, but I am not the Great and Powerful Tyra Banks, so what do I know? She tells them to get their last puffs in tonight, because tomorrow, the ban goes into effect.
Okay, now that the preaching is over, it's time for a bitch to go home, where she can smoke all she wants. The first name Tyra's going to call is...Heather! YAY! She sort of slowly steps forward, and Tyra tells her the judges are blown away by her unconventional looks. Oh, yay, again. Heather is followed by Lisa. HA! Suck it again, Bianca. Then Chantal, Sarah, Jenah, Saleisha, Ambreal, Victoria, Janet, Kimberly, and Bianca. This of course leaves Ebony and Mila. Ebony already has tears streaming down her face. Mila's eyes look glinty, but that could just be because a thought has come into her head for the first time in years and the force of it is stinging her eyes. Ebony gets a photo, which hopefully she will use to wipe the snot that's streaming down from her nose. Mila is still glinty, and Tyra gives her some encouraging words. Mila says she didn't think she was going to be the first to go home, and in fact she was pretty sure she was going to win. She tells us again that if you concentrate on the positive, the negative things just go away. This must work, because I concentrated really hard and Mila got kicked off the show first! Thanks for the tip, Mila!
week: Bianca gets stanker and calls Saleisha borderline plus-size. Also, ghosts?