Bitches ahoy! We begin the Top Model premiere, as we often do, with the thirty-three semifinalists. This year, they bypass the customary L.A. visit and instead fly to San Juan, where one Miss J. Alexander does his best Captain Stubing imitation and informs them that the semifinals will take place on a giant cruise ship. Okay, so maybe he was a little more Cruise Director Julie than Captain Stubing. You get the drift. After Tyra attempts to revive her singing career showgirl-style, the girls partake in an impromptu runway show on the lido deck, to the endless delight of the other passengers, minus the ones who really wanted a good view of the shuffleboard game. We have some real characters this year, many of whom actually have different afflictions than the contestants in seasons past. At the top of that list is Heather, a self-described insecure nerd girl with a Quasimodo hunch, who has Asperger's syndrome, a mild form of autism. There is also Marvita, a Grace Jones look-alike from Alaska who has had tons of childhood trauma that Tyra of course makes her talk about to the discomfort of everyone. Victoria goes to Yale, which is affliction enough. Janet is a bikini waxer. Which, ditto. Jennifer from Walpole (represent!) has a ferocious Massachusetts accent and is blind in one eye, Lisa spent years in foster care and is now a "bikini dancer," Ebony is a bitch with a heart of mush whose mom was a crack addict, and Spontaniouse is named Spontaniouse. Aside from Victoria getting a little pukey on the ship and some bitchiness involving Ebony, there really isn't much drama at all. What I wouldn't give for a little rum punch in someone's weave. The girls meet Season 8 winner Jaslene on a beach in Antigua, and have their first photo shoot (in swimwear, natch). Thirteen girls get cut, and actually have to stand at the port and watch the ship sail away without them, like so many dreams deferred. Tyra and the Jays deliberate further about who is model material, and we end up with our final thirteen: Mila, Bianca, Jenah, Chantal, Ambreal, Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony, Janet, Heather, Lisa. Marvita has been through so much shit in her life that she's all, "Whatevs, life isn't about getting what you want," and doesn't cry like the other punk-ass girls. Everyone else is, well, a punk-ass, and lots of tears are shed. week: Iceberg!
Modeling, says the voice of one Miss Tyra Banks, is not about being the most beautiful girl in the room. Well, judging by this show, that's a fact. "America's Top Model strives to find girls who have that je ne sais quoi -- the controversial, debatable beauty that defies description." Ha! What kind of spin doctor did they hire to come up with that one? We see photos of past winners, minus Adrianne of course. But, Tyra asks, what is beauty to you? Is it odd, edgy, bizarre (picture of bald Tyra) or safe, clean, predictable (picture of pretty Tyra)? "To me," Tyra says, "it's all beautiful." And we can kiss your fat ass. WE KNOW. Tyra continues, "My mission has always been to expand what America considers beautiful, question what makes a model, and open the world of fashion to young women everywhere." A modern Jeanne D'Arc, is Tyra. We see footage from cities around the country, with girls waiting in line to prove their mettle and challenge our conceptions of beauty, willingly or not.
And then, weirdness. We see Tyra Banks on the phone, and then we see various semi-finalists on "home video" receiving these "calls." The girls are clearly excited. "Tyra" tells one contestant to give her a "ha ha ha" and then a catalogue pose. She tells another girl to work the runway then come back to the phone. One contestant has a white tank top with a drawing of what looks like a cross between Lucinda Williams and an alien. I love Lucinda, but that thing is going to give me nightmares. Crying, screaming, happiness. Tyra, who, let's be honest, is clearly on the phone with nobody, says, "We are going to the Caribbean for casting." Lucky bitches. One girl says, "I love you, I love you, I love you," and another says, "I love you, Tyra." So maybe she actually did call them herself, but clearly her on the phone just now was a fakey set-up. I know, I know, because the rest of what we see on this show is totally authentic.
If I may, I would just like to interject a little bit of sad news here, before I start ragging on our new friends. Those of you who have read my recaps for several seasons might remember that a few times I've mentioned my cat, Miss Itty. To the great despair of me and everyone else who loves animals who are clearly the best, Miss Itty passed away last month. She always loved to curl up to me while I was watching the show and recapping, and I'm sure she had definite opinions on all of the contestants. So this season of recapping is dedicated to her. I know that somewhere up in heaven she's hoping that Ebony gets a really good bitch edit.
So, we're in San Juan, where the thirty-three semi finalists have arrived for the "adventure of a lifetime." They are on a bus, where tour guide Gregorio Cuevas tells them they have a big surprise in store, and then asks them to put on blindfolds. The safe word is "shenis." Jessica, 23, from Brooklyn, notes how funny it was to have thirty-three girls trying to walk in blindfolds and heels. I would like to do that and put them all in a room with no doors. And then, still blindfolded, the girls stand before one Miss J. Alexander, who is dressed like Captain Merrill Stubing of The Love Boat. I know that Miss J. is sitting at home and reading this with satisfaction, thinking that this is the gayest thing I've seen all week. However, at the moment, I'm on a plane home from Los Angeles, where I just saw Rufus Wainwright sing Judy Garland at the Hollywood Bowl. So, from my perspective, Miss J. looks like Rambo right about now.
Many of the blindfolded girls seem to recognize Miss J. by his voice. He tells them that a top model must be ready to travel anywhere, anytime, and then instructs them to take off their blindfolds and look at their home for the week. It's a big-ass cruise ship. Instantly I thought of that Dateline or Primetime Live report about how people go missing on cruise ships and are never found, and I got really, really excited. Marvita, 23, from Anchorage, tells us that she was excited when she saw that boat, because she's poor. Just wait until you get some one-on-one time with Kathie Lee, Marvita! Then you can never again say that you're poor in spirit. Heather, 21, from Valparaiso, Indiana, says that she's awestruck, and hopes that she doesn't look like a total idiot around Miss J. When in Rome, I say. Miss J. tells them that at the end of the trip, only 13 will be going into the Top Model house. And of course, despite that "you're all winners" crap that Tyra sometimes likes to spew, there is only one winner. Ebony, 20, from Chicago, says that she honestly doesn't feel like she has any competition. Some of the girls are cute, she admits, but she's fierce and cute too. And, also, has a stank attitude. But we'll get to that later.
The girls board the ship, which is enormous. Mila, 20, from Boston (woo!), says that being America's Top Model would be so fun, and she'd be really good at it. Mila would also be really good at being a jack-o-lantern, given her very round head. Miss J. points out that there's a rock-climbing wall, an ice skating rink, several swimming pools, and a mini golf course. Where's the bowling alley? Where's Isaac the bartender? I demand a refund! Miss J. reminds the girls that this isn't a party cruise; it's a competition. Chantal, 19, from Austin, says that she's not worried, because she has something no other girl has. She doesn't know what it is, but there's something. That inspires confidence.
The girls meet Patrick Dukes, the safety officer from the ship. This would be the perfect time to realize that someone is missing. And I mean, for all we know, they could have started out with thirty-five girls. In any case, it's time for a safety briefing! The safety briefing involves Miss J. modeling a life preserver. He tells them that sometimes being a model is all about working whatever you're wearing, and thus the girls are now going to have their first fashion show. Heather tells us that she's terrible at runway. She's also terrible at pronouncing runway, which she says as "wunray." Marvita tells us that she's been through a lot, and is basically homeless, so she's going to do whatever it takes to get into that house. Appearing on a reality show is a good way to get a bed and a hot meal, unless you go on Survivor. Big Brother would be an excellent option, too.
The girls walk down the "runway," which is a track of some sort, wearing their clothes plus a life preserver. There are sunbathers on both sides of the wunray, who are actually wishing that they'd gone missing right about now. There is a girl named Spontaniouse, pronounced "spontaneous," who walks with a big bubble butt stuck all out there. Miss J. does an imitation of her. She is 19, from Montgomery, Alabama, and says she can't help her big-ass Alabama butt. Neither can her sisters Impulsiffe and Spurofthemeaument and Thecondommebroke. Victoria, 20, tells us that she worked really hard in high school and got into the top history program at Yale University. But, she adds, she's never modeled before, and she has the fashion sense of a twelve-year-old boy. And, maybe, the face.
Ebony starts crowing about herself, but much of what she says is lost in some sort of weird technical error. I'm sure it's bitchy, though. We do catch the part about her not even having to try because it comes so natural. Heather walks, and she wasn't kidding. She tells us that she has a hump that comes from leaning over the computer. Oh, little Quasimodelo. She adds that she's a complete nerd. J. tells her that she looks like she should be digging up clams. Is that a double entendre? Is she the lesbian of the house? Heather tells us that for the longest time, she didn't believe she was beautiful. In fact, she thought that she was ugly. She says that it's really hard not being comfortable in your own skin. Much more comfortable is being in the skin of others, a la Buffalo Bill. Heather will certainly have the opportunity to objectively assess her looks, because she is going to be on screen ALL THE TIME this season. Take my word. J. rounds the girls up and says that a lot of them need some serious help, but there are also several who are naturally good. He bids them adieu.
And then, it's night. The girls are eating dinner or hanging out or something, and talking about who the final thirteen should be. One girl says she wants to see Heather in the house, and if she'd just learn to sit up straight, she'd be good. Lisa, 20, from Jersey City, says that Heather has intense eyes and a great face, but she walks all hunched over. Heather tells the other girls that she needs some help, and is gangly and awkward. She has a great head of hair, though. Ebony says that she calls Heather "hunchback," and adds that she has insecurity problems. I'm sure her insecurity has nothing to do with people calling her nasty names. Ebony doesn't think that Heather's going to do well. Ebony is so wrong, I can't even tell you.
The girls head to a theater on the ship for breakfast. Sarah, 20, from Heath, Mass., says that she didn't realize how thin everyone would be until she got there. She says she'll represent whoever wants her to represent them, if they see a little of themselves in her. What does that even mean? Ah, it means that she might be a plus-sizer. She seems cool with that. Sarah is really pretty.
What is not so pretty is behind curtain number one. It is Tyra, in a red feathered headdress. It reminds me of the bad days, when she had that red weave. Shudder. She is flanked by four male dancers. She sings. Yes, she sings. She sings this song: "My models sail over the ocean, my models sail over the sea, they sail on the high seas of fashion, but who will my top model be?" Well, it's no "Shake Ya Body." Tyra acts like she's not trying to really sing and has big Betty Boop eyes. She does a bit of choreography that is reminiscent of nothing so much as Britney Spears on the VMAs, but with the corset that Brit shunned. Ty-Ty is showing a lot of legs. Jennifer, 24, from Walpole, Mass., (represent!), says that Tyra is so flawless, she looks exactly like she just jumped off of the cover. The cover of what, she does not say, and frankly, I don't even want to know that such a publication exists. Ambreal, 19, from Dallas, says something pretty much unintelligible. I caught a bit about her wanting to touch the hem of Tyra's dress, and thinking that Tyra is gorgeous. Blah blah blah.
Tyra explains that the girls are on the cruise because clients send models to the Caribbean in the winter, for swimsuit shoots and whatnot. Saleisha, 21, from L.A., says she wants to fulfill her dreams and goals, just like Tyra has. Yes, she's really quite a role model. Tyra tells the girls to be themselves in the interviews. She says that their personalities got them here, but won't get them to the level. Would it be looks that would get them to the level? Uh, no. It's the je ne sais quoi factor. The "umph." The thing you just can't put your finger on. Frankly, there are a lot of things on these girls that I wouldn't even want to put my finger on. Jenah, 18, from Farmington, Connecticut, says that she's stepping up her game. None of the girls there scare her, and she's ready to fight. Yeah, she might be kind of a pain in the ass, too. Tyra marches off as we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time for interviews on the high seas! Ambreal, 19, from Dallas, enters, and I believe she's wearing denim leg warmers. Ambreal goes to Howard University, where she's been involved in fashion shows. Okay, wait, I need to go back to the denim leg warmers. Ambreal is wearing a denim mini, and from the knees down, she's wearing the bottom of a pair of jeans. It looks...like something Melrose would have designed. Ambreal shows off her various Howard fashion show walks, including her ghetto walk and her crazy choreography walk. She asks Tyra to join her for the latter, and there's plenty of the crazy, if not so much of the choreography. Ambreal tells us that walking is one of her "best fortes." When she leaves to put on her swimsuit, Jay says she's a little too choreographed for his taste. Tyra replies that if she had taken some of the hoochie out of her ghetto walk, she would have been Naomi. Tyra says this as though it's a compliment, but you know they had to edit out the part that followed, where she said, "Damn, but I hate that horseface." Ambreal comes out and walks in her swimsuit WITH THE DENIM LEG WARMERS STILL ON!!!! She does a crazy walk as she goes out and yells, "Africa! Africa!" I have not seen one person in National Geographic or on that Oprah special wearing denim leg warmers, I'll tell you that much.
Chantal is , and she's happy, because this is her chance to reach her dream. She says that people think she's the perfect little southern Barbie doll, but she has a lot of knowledge about fashion and designers. So she's more Skipper, then? Chantal tells the judges that she was built inside and out to be in this industry. Jay asks which designer she was built for, and Chantal answers that she loves Versace and Rachel Roy. The judges are impressed. Chantal says that people always say she's high fashion, and that this feels like destiny to her. When she leaves, Jay says that everything she did was very modelesque. Including her use of the word "heighth." She does have a great body. I'll be interested to see her with a good hair makeover -- something about her puffy blondeness is weird.
we have Sylvia, 23, a waitress from New Hyde Park, New York. She says she always gets asked how tall she is, and if she's a model. Sylvia is pretty, but seems either nervous or awkward. Tyra engages her in some "interpretive walking," which basically means making a damn fool of her. Sylvia has to walk like a butterfly, a robot, and a centipede. But, you know, high fashion. All the judges can do is laugh at her.
And then, in lopes Hunchback Heather. She says, "Hey pretty lady. And Tyra." The judges do a bit about this, and eventually, Heather says that they're all pretty. She seems like she's drunk. Tyra notes that Heather was diagnosed with something when she was thirteen, and asks what it was. Heather says she was diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's syndrome, which is described as a mild form of autism. A new affliction! How exciting. It also includes being very awkward in social situations, which explains the "hey pretty lady" thing. Heather says the real problem she had as a child was that she didn't have that many friends. Other kids had a problem understanding her, she says, because she was wired differently. She walks in her swimsuit, and Miss J. tells her to stand up straight. I thought the hunch was going to be a problem, but the Jays seem to think that it'll give her an edge in fashiony awkwardness. Jay Manuel, however, asks if you can be a top model and not do runway. Tyra thinks she's fine clunking down the runway just like she is, because every so often you get someone who can't walk but it works.
is Saleisha, who, Tyra notes, went to one of her T-Zone camps. Tyra says that because she knows Saleisha, she's going to be harder on her. Saleisha says that T-Zone is a self-esteem camp designed to bring girls out of their shells. Tyra asks what she got out of the camp, and Saleisha says that when she went to T-Zone at fourteen, her self-esteem was poor, but now she thinks she's the bomb. Jay asks if she wants to do high fashion, and Saleisha says she'd love to do Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated. She might be the biggest Tyra mini-me we've had yet!
We get a brief break from the interviews and see several girls mini-golfing. There's nothing wrong with a little putt-putt, even on a cruise ship. Janet, 22, from Bainbridge, Georgia, says that she's excited for the adventures ahead. She's going to get to know a bunch of amazing girls, she says, and probably dislike a lot of them. A realist in the bunch is always refreshing.
But back to the interviews. We now meet Victoria, 20, from New Haven. Tyra notes that she looks nervous, and Victoria says she never thought she'd be there because she's just "the nerd from Yale." Victoria says that it doesn't matter where you come from; at the end of the day, it's all about how hard you work. She gives a debate-team speech about the fact that she should win the competition because she's (one finger) smart and (two fingers) strong. She starts to say that the other girls are strong and smart, but Tyra interrupts and says, "You know you think some of these girls are dumb, come on." Awesome. I think that was the closest that Tyra's actually ever come to being Oprah. Victoria admits that it's true. Victoria says that this whole thing started as a joke, and she knows that for a lot of girls there, it's their dream. But, she says, she's into the competition and is competing. Victoria can't seem to look anyone directly in the eye. She makes me nervous. I can't wait for the other girls to start tormenting her.
, we meet Janet of the mini-golfing. She says that her small town just got a Wal-Mart and gives an exaggerated "Whoo!" Tyra notes that Janet does bikini waxing for a living and asks about the proper position that a client must get in. Janet gets on all fours and says, and I quote, "You gotta get the crack up, you gotta spread the cheeks, and just make sure it's available." Ha! I love Janet. She interviews, "I guess once you've seen one butt, you've seen them all, you know?" And now she gets to see Tyra's, as Tyra climbs on the judging table, butt in the air. Janet comes over and spreads the cheeks, then slaps Tyra on the butt. Miss J. is truly dismayed by all of this, as one might imagine. In gay man's purgatory, everyone is a bikini waxer. Once Janet leaves, Tyra says that any girl who gives her a simulated kitty cat wax is fine with her. This is why she loves Twiggy so much.
Cut to a dining room where the girls are having dinner. Victoria gets really pukey and ill-looking. Sabrina, 18, from Cerritos, California, says that to her, if Victoria gets sick, that's just one opportunity for her to shine. Because America's Top Model must have a strong stomach? That makes no sense. With this early bout of bitchery, we head to commercials.
When we return, Victoria is totally fine. Was that seriously the best they could do drama-wise? Oh, wait, there's more. A girl named Ebony, whom we'll soon know a lot more about, says at breakfast, "Let's play a game and see who has an eating disorder." Marvita gets pissed and asks why anybody would even say that. Ebony says, "Because I wanted to." Ebony interviews some junk about the bitch being back, and about her intimidating people. Girl, please. Marvita asks when Ebony's last damn meal was, because she looks anorexic. Marvita tells us that she is not intimidated by Ebony. Ebony was just hating, and Marvita just wanted to slap her. She clarifies, "I didn't want to fight her; I just wanted to slap the hell out of her." That seems reasonable to me. Mila, 20, from Boston, says that everyone is in the same boat. She then gets a big kick out of the fact that they're literally in the same boat. Ooh, is she a bubblehead. She wonders why everyone can't just get along.
And then there's Jennifer, 24, from Walpole, Mass., who says she's a "bah-tendah." Yay, Walpole! My ex is from Walpole, so I know a whole lot about it. Tyra says she likes Jennifer's accent. She might not like it quite as much if, say, she lived in Rhode Island and had to hear it every damn day. But I digress. Jennifer tells us that when she was born, she hemorrhaged in her right eye, and so pretty much has no vision in it. It's no retinitis pigmentosa, but I guess it'll do. Jennifer says that she was teased all through high school, but now she wants to show everybody and say, "Look where I am now." I hate to tell Jennifer, but where she is now is the America's Top Model semi-finals.
we have Marvita, who walks into the room and just starts crying. She doesn't know why that is, she says, because she never cries. She just slaps a bitch if she's feeling sad. Tyra notes that Marvita's been through a lot in her life, and asks her to tell the whole CW-watching world about it. Marvita says that she was basically passed off from family member to family member, and so always had to adjust to new places and people. She also says that a lot of people did a lot of bad things to her. Tyra says, "Why don't you talk about that." Oy. Marvita kind of shakes her head, and then says that she was molested and raped. Tyra asks Marvita what gives her the strength to stand there before them, and Marvita gives God the credit. She tells us that being in this competition is a walk in the park for her, and she's just chilling. When Marvita leaves, Tyra says that she thinks the camera will love her bone structure. Jay wonders if she's just there to stomp out all the pain. Yeah, the pain that Tyra just inflicted on her. God.
, there is Mila. Tyra notes that she heard that Mila is the life of one big party. Smiley Mila says that she likes to celebrate everything, and that she's had a great life so far, so she has no reason not to celebrate. I think "as Marvita : Mila" must be the end of some an SAT analogy somewhere. Tyra asks Mila when the last time was that she cried or was vulnerable and felt hurt. Mila says that she thinks crying is a little bit of a waste of time. I bet Mila was who Victoria was thinking of when she admitted that the other girls were dumb. Mila tells us that she's a really positive person. No! She says that if you focus on the positive, the negative things just go away. So Marvita should just put on a happy face and poof! The rape won't seem so bad after all! Someone should do a study on the correlation between positive attitudes and extremely bulbous heads.
there is Christie, 20, from Lewisville, North Carolina. Christie has a decent resemblance to Adriana Lima, which Christie pronounces like "lima bean." Christie says that everyone's always told her that she looks like a model or should model, so she eventually figured that it was something she should look into. Christie also probably made Victoria's dumb list. Tyra asks Christie if she can dance, which brings us to a crazy losers dancing and singing montage! They even slip a little bit of Tyra and Miss J. dancing and singing in there, and then Tyra does some weird thing on the floor. She's all about being on all fours this season, isn't she?
And then in stomps Sabrina, 18, from Cerritos, California, who says she looks good in the face, in the hair, everything. Tyra asks her what her best feature is, and she says her hair, but she's stumped when asked what her worst feature is. She tells us that she really can't think of anything she has to work on. She has talent that is extraordinary, at least in her own mind.
is Jenah, 28, from Farmington, Connecticut. Tyra says that she heard that Jenah was known as a bee-yotch in high school. Jenah says that girls just don't like her and are terrified of her. Miss J. asks if it's because of her big bug eyes. Heh. She does occasionally look a little like Shelley Duvall in The Shining. Jenah says that she is beautiful and smart, and she knows stuff. To wit, she reads books, plays beer pong, and parties with guys. Marie Curie was known as quite the beer-ponger in her day, too. Jenah tells us that her mom was a model and is friends with some fashion photographers, and they all want to take pictures of her. Well, then let them do it and skip the reality show. After she leaves, Jay says that intelligence and saying "like" ten million times and hanging out with guys does not get you a degree.
is Sarah, 20, from Heath, Mass., the aforementioned borderline plus-sizer. She comes in with an accordion paper thingy hanging out of her nose, and tries to make a joke about it. Sarah tells us that it makes her crack up every time, but she doesn't know about Tyra Banks. Tyra tells Sarah that she sees a girl who is on the thinner side of plus size. An accordion paper in your nose really gives you the illusion of looking thinner, I guess. Sarah says that she thinks everyone should work with what they got, and if it's a lot, that's cool. Sarah tells us that she never thought being a model was possible for her, but now if there's a place for her, she's going to hold on to it. Jay loves her body and her face, but Tyra is concerned that she's a little small for plus.
Meanwhile, the girls ice skate! And hurl chunks of ice at each other! Fun times on a cruise ship. Chantal says that there are a lot of girls there who are really fun and can really bring it, and she's interested to see who her true competition is.
is Lisa, 20, from Jersey City. She comes in with a kid picture of herself to show how awkward and dorky she was. Not to be outdone, Tyra tells us all about how SHE was really awkward and dorky as a kid, and we see the same picture she shows every time she says that, with her sitting on a wall and her skinny-ass legs and big feet hanging over it. Lisa tells us that she was in foster care for six years, and has seen every kind of hurt. Tyra drags out of Lisa the fact that she's an exotic dancer, but not one who shows her boobies, because she wears a bikini. I bet she'd make a lot more money if she took the bikini off. Back with the other girls, Lisa talks about how nervous she was in her interview. One of the girls asks if she's really a stripper, and Lisa says she is, and then gives Saleisha a lap dance. Spontaniouse is not amused, and thinks it's nasty. Lisa kind of looks like Debbie Allen in Fame, if Debbie Allen in Fame were a bikini stripper.
is Bianca, 18, from Queens. She wants to stick it to all the people who called her a giraffe back in the day. Bianca has a theory about bitches, which is that there are two kinds: (1) the fun bitch, and (2) the bitchy bitch. She might have a point there. Jay asks who the bitchy bitch of the semi-finals is, and Bianca wastes no time in saying that it's Ebony. She says that Ebony acts all bougie, and told the other girls that she had a $500 weave. Ebony doesn't really have any kind of a $500 weave if you ask me, but Bianca nevertheless says that it's good. By contrast, Bianca has a $25 weave. Maybe some weave shops have a sliding scale?
Then we have Kimberly, 20, from Ocala, Florida, the horse capital of the world. She brings Tyra a little ceramic horse from her hometown, and Tyra actually looks disgusted. Kimberly says that she had a great upbringing, and that her parents are still together. Yeah, Kimberly doesn't have a chance in hell. Kimberly likes to scream and yell when she gets frustrated, and thinks her sense of humor will set her apart from the other girls. She loves to make people laugh. Tyra doesn't seem that crazy about her, but Jay loves her.
And then, Ebony, the bitch's bitch. She tells Tyra that she might as well stop looking, because America's Top Model is standing right in front of her. Tyra tells Ebony that a lot of the other girls already hate her stank ass. Ebony says that's because she's fierce, and they're jealous, and she adds that she's from the hood and you can't be nice all the time or you'll get walked over. Oh, you can see her bitchy exterior about to crack with just one bat of Tyra's false eyelashes. Ebony tells us that she's not there to make friends; she's there to be America's Top Model and take what's hers. Tyra then goes in for the kill and asks who's walked all over Ebony. Ebony says her first boyfriend treated her bad. Tyra grabs Ebony by the jugular and asks about her parents. Ebony says that her mom was a crack addict. Tyra asks how it felt to have a mom on drugs. Ebony says that her grandmother raised her and really saved her life. Ebony is the first of her sisters to graduate high school or go to college. So she thinks her grandma is an angel, and she also just passed away. Tyra becomes Typrah Winbanks for a moment and says that Ebony knows where her pain comes from and why she lashes out at other people. She adds that she's not judging her for this, and that everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. Ebony tells us that she has two personalities -- she can be nice, but then will turn into a bitch in no time. Jay says that there are some people who just have a black heart, but he doesn't think Ebony's one of them. Ebony talks to another girl in the stairwell and says that it made her feel bad when Tyra told her that nobody liked her. The other girl says that Ebony comes off really hard with people, and that when pretty girls have stanky attitudes, it irks her.
Meanwhile, the ship stops in St. John, Antigua. Jay tells them that he's taking them all to the beach. Once there, they see a young, Hispanic Janice Dickinson frolicking in the water for photographers. Yes, it is Season 8 winner Jaslene! Jaslene tells the girls that she feels like the luckiest girl in the world, and has booked the cover of Latina Magazine. Yay?
It's time for the girls' first photo shoot. They wear bikinis with a sort of cover-up, and stand or splash in the water. Victoria is first and says that she's never done anything like this before. She's actually better looking than I gave her credit for at first. Chantal and a couple of the other girls say they aren't worried about Victoria. Ebony goes, and says she sucked at panel so has to bring it on the photo shoot. Bianca tells another girl that she really wants Ebony's wig to come off. There's more splashing and frolicking and photo-shooting. Bianca seems to do a good job of popping out of the water and looking fierce. There's someone named Jessica whom we have not heard from in the foregoing, nor will we hear from her henceforth. Marvita tells us that she really wants this, and it's her only way out. That's awfully sad, isn't it? Heather seems to really bring it, in a way that one might not expect. Someone says that Sabrina is bottom-heavy and borderline plus-sized. Harsh! And also untrue. She is kind of a douche, though. Isn't that enough? Chantal says that modeling is the reason she was put on this earth, and Saleisha says, "Let's be the last two standing."
The Jays call all the girls together and ask if they had fun. They all answer in the affirmative. Miss J. then tells them that for some of them, the fun is over. Double harsh! It's time for the first cut. Sabrina crows that she's not worried. Well, she should be. The girls have to run to a stand that has twenty boarding passes on it. If their boarding pass is there, they move on to the round. If not, they'll be left behind on the island. Those to move on are: Bianca, Spontaniouse, Jessica, Janet, Victoria, Ambreal, Jennifer, Lisa, Kimberly, Marvita, Mila, Sarah, Christie, Spontaniouse again, Jessica again, someone named Eleatrice, someone named Tara, Jenah, Heather, Ebony, Chantal, and Saleisha. For the other girls, there are tears. Sylvia has to go back to slinging hash. Sabrina seems particularly distressed about having to go back to her home, her school, and her job. She says that her confidence was so high, but she guesses you can never be so sure. It's called overconfidence, little buddy. Which you would learn about in school if you weren't so busy trying to be a has-been reality-show contestant of the future.
The twenty finalists sail off. Jennifer says that she's so excited, and she's going to do this. She says that the other girls should watch out, because she's he-ah, and she's not going anywhe-ah, and this is it. One of the spots is hers. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, Mila is playing, "Tyra Banks loves me, Tyra Banks loves me not" with a carnation. Tyra herself enters and tells the girls that she's going to go into deliberation with Mr. and Miss J., look at their photos, and cull out the bitches who won't make the final thirteen. She asks the girls to tell her why she needs to choose them to be in the competition. Lisa tells Tyra that a lot of girls can relate to her, and a lot of people can relate to her. And a lot of strippers can relate to her, which is why she's the favorite of all the Rock of Love girls. Lisa tells us that she wants to do something good, and feels like she's never done anything too special. Oh, you're twenty. Let's not throw in the towel yet. Heather says that she wants to show the girls who are in the shadows and at the bottom of the social totem pole that just because you're not noticed, it doesn't mean you're not special. Tyra eats that right up. Marvita says that she should be in the Top Model house because she's had a dream to do it. She tells us that she doesn't even want to think about the possibility of not getting in the house. Neither do I. Marvita scares me a little. Jennifer says that she has fire and passion, and wasn't meant to be a bartender for the rest of her life -- she was meant to be America's Top Model. It's like karma for the hemorrhaged eye, I guess. Jennifer tells us hopefully that modeling is something that she's supposed to do, and now maybe she will have the opportunity. Or, maybe not.
Tyra and the Jays deliberate as the ship rocks and makes them queasy. Wouldn't it be awesome if water just started pouring in and everyone started screaming and then the cameras cut out? Oh, did I say "awesome"? I meant to say "tragic." The Jays both think that Jenah is high fashion, and Mr. Jay says she belongs in a Prada campaign. Tyra says that Saleisha is the kind of girl who needs America's Top Model. Without it, she'd be a mediocre model, but with a makeover and help, she could be...a mediocre model who was on a reality show! Miss J. thinks that Mila has everything it takes to be a top model, according to her. Mr. Jay says that his problem with Ambreal is that she's tall but looks short. I can't tell if Mr. J. likes Kimberly or not, but Miss J. says that she can be quite sexy. Mr. Jay likes how different Marvita is, but Miss J. thinks she's more ready-to-wear than high fashion. Mr. Jay likes Lisa's vulnerability. Tyra loves Victoria's look and her long face, but apparently Miss J. thinks she looks like Eeyore. Mr. Jay sees Italian high fashion from Chantal, and thinks she has a natural stance. Bianca will be all right once she loses the $25 weave, according to Mr. Jay.
Miss Jay asks what category Sara falls into, and Tyra says that she's supposed to be plus, but is on the smaller size. Mr. Jay says that he doesn't see a problem representing women who fall in a normal category. Tyra asks what that would be called, and Mr. Jay says it's "real-size modeling." Tyra says that she's real-sized too and high-fives Mr. Jay. Tyra reminds us that Heather has Asperger's and wants to represent the underdogs. Mr. Jay says that he doesn't see awkwardness or a lack of focus in Heather's photo -- she looks like a model. Tyra points out a great shot of Janet's, and Miss J. says he likes a girl who doesn't need a makeover. Plus he wants a free nut wax. The Jays make fun of Jennifer's accent, but neither of them can do a Boston accent for shit. Miss J. says that Ebony is the original mean girl, and they all agree that she needs a high fashion ass-whoopin'. See, I knew they put some girls on this show just to torture them.
With that, it is time to announce the final thirteen. The girls all stand on a glass plank on top of the pool, which seems quite unsafe. Tyra tells them that the thirteen finalists will be Cinderella stories, and adds, "They'll go from everyday girls in their hometowns to girls that everyone in America will know their name." Uh, [sic]. But of course, only one will be America's Top Model. Mila is called first, followed by Bianca. I keep wanting to call her Binaca. Each girl has to walk across a glass runway to Tyra, and it's really amazing that no one falls. is Jenah, followed by Chantal, Ambreal, Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, and Kimberly. Some girls, and particularly Lisa and Jennifer, are already crying. is Ebony, who says that Tyra scared her. Binaca rolls her eyes. There are ten girls, and three spots left. The first goes to Janet. She's really excited, and Tyra tells her that she needs a wax, because it's growing back. To be honest with you, I don't like to think about Tyra's pubes. Heather is called, and some of the other girls look surprised. And then, one spot left. Well, it's certainly not going to go to any of those losers we haven't seen at all. Sorry, random plus-size girl in a prom dress! Sorry, girl who looks like a boy! Because it's Lisa who gets picked, and thus saved from a life of giving lap dances in a bikini, at least temporarily. She says this is the happiest day of her life, and she's never had an opportunity like this.
Tyra voices over, "You guys are all special, and I don't want any of you to give up," as if she is actually talking to the seven rejects. She gives them all a hug. Marvita says that when Tyra didn't call her name she was like, "All right, that's cool." She says she didn't cry, when all the other girls were breaking down and acting like punk-asses. She adds, "You're not always going to get what you want." Unless you want to talk about traumatic child events on national TV, in which case Marvita is one step ahead of the curve. Jennifer is really sad, but says that she's not done banging down doors, and it's not over for her. I hate to tell her, but actually, it might be over. Go back to school and become a dental technician or something! All is not lost!
Tyra tells the thirteen finalists that they're all there because being America's Top Model is not just about being a pretty face, it's about being a role model. Yeah, Ebony is a regular Eleanor Roosevelt. They're all very excited. Ebony says she's going to be a star and everyone's going to recognize her. Heather didn't believe it was going to happen. In some way, can any of us believe that any of this is happening? Sometimes I think this show is just a dream I had.
week: The girls move into the house. Heather has some problems with the social interactions, and Binaca says some fighting words to Lisa, who will likely lap-dance her to death.